Sunday, November 28, 2010


You know what I’m thankful for? Quidditch. Yes. The magical sport of Quidditch, popularized by Harry Potter which is played upon brooms. This may seem odd to most of you, but when you think about it, it makes sense.

See, at Providence College, almost everybody plays Intramural Sports to win the illustrious championship t-shirts. It seems lame, but everyone strives to get a t-shirt before they graduate. Over the years, there have been wars, drama, suspense, blood, guts, and glory in the pursuit of these championship shirts. It really is a big deal on campus. I can only imagine the amount of kids who are really good at sports but came up short on winning a t-shirt. So far in my college career, I have participated in flag football, dodgeball, kickball, lacrosse, and hockey. The gist of my intramural career is this: we have great regular season records, then the playoffs come around and we choke harder than President Bush on a pretzel. It’s not even like I make it to the semi-finals. I’m talking about getting bounced in the first or second round. This year just for kickball, we made it to the second round and were winning by about 4 runs in the bottom of the last inning, and blew that game and lost with two outs to go. It actually started to hit me that me and my friends were gonna graduate without getting those damn t-shirts. I was running out of time and it was actually bothering me when all of a sudden, about two weeks ago, there was a sign up sheet in our dining hall for Quidditch. Obviously, my roommate Matt asked me to play, kind of joking yet kind of not. I will admit I was skeptic for a solid half-second, I mean Providence College is a Catholic institution, so don’t they frown upon witchcraft and wizardry? After truly pondering playing, it hit me that not many people would sign up for this, so this might give me my best odds at winning a t-shirt, so I said yes.

Over the next week, I was really thinking about it. Some people called it lame and rolled their eyes at us for playing a magical sport, but I knew that deep down, as long as I won a t-shirt, I didn’t care. On the other hand, I also realized that if we played Quidditch and didn’t win anything, I would be extremely embarrassed, pissed, and would contemplate transferring to Rutgers. It somewhat bothered me that people would be watching me and my friends running around with broomsticks between our legs to simulate “flying” broomsticks. However embarrassing it may be, I knew that if I won a t-shirt it would be worth it. It is sorta difficult to explain, but real life Quidditch is played with seven people on each team. One goalie “keeper”, one seeker who goes after the golden snitch which is worth 150 points and ends the game when caught, three “chasers” which throw a volleyball into three hula hoops that were hanging down from partially raised curtain, and finally two “beaters” who throw dodgeballs at the opponents chasers, in order to gain possession of the volleyball. Goals scored by chasers are worth 10 points apiece, so due to the golden snitch (which was a kid running around sporadically with a flag football belt on) being worth 150 points, the game eventually comes down to catching the golden snitch to win. The most difficult part was holding onto a broom between your legs and handle catching balls. The other hard part was telling my parents I’m gay. Just kidding.

Anyways, only four teams showed up for the tournament, which gave us great odds to win this thing. My team was called The-Team-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in honor of Lord Voldemort. Our seeker was Ryan “?” Urkiel, our keeper was Matt “Slappy” Rizzini, our two beaters were Sean “Vincent” Mottola, who actually referred to himself as “The Master Beater” and Mike “Wind” Shields. Our chasers consisted of myself, Steve “Chief No Lungs” Sheridan, “Six-Pack” Chris Rizzini, and Mitch “The Techie” Intrieri. The other three teams consisted of 7 kinda nerdy freshmen girls, 7 girls from the field hockey team, and the last team was made up of 5 guys and two girls. I’ll be honest, just about everyone thought it would come down to my team against the team with five guys and two girls, but after the shocking upset of the freshmen girls team somehow beating the team with five guys, we started to feel good going into our semi-final game against the PC field hockey team.

I gotta say, those girls were aggressive. They all knew how to throw elbows and charge at people. Some of them were scary to be honest. As gentlemen, we weren’t going to tackle these girls and be extremely aggressive, since they were girls. It just didn’t feel right to try to rip a volleyball out of a girls hands, but after they started throwing elbows at us, we took no prisoners. I think Matt Rizzini broke his hand slapping a ball at some chick’s face. Long story short, Urk caught the snitch and we won something like 210-30. We were now one game away from the illustrious t-shirts. I hadn’t been so nervous to play a magical sport in years. I felt like Harry Potter in the 2nd book when he…..okay no I didn’t. Honestly I just wanted to win a damn tshirt. We weren’t 100% sure of the win, but we were like 97% sure we were gonna win. We just didn’t want to end up like the other team who lost to these freshmen girls (I actually think some of those guys were still in shock they lost). We went into that game and decided to pour it on them, feel no remorse for these girls and just win. The way I looked at it was I had three semesters left to win a t-shirt. These girls had 7. Right from the get-go, me, Chris and Mitch worked well together as chasers. Yeah maybe I did some cherry picking to get some easy goals, but it kept working. The score was about 80-0 when I saw that weirdo kid who was pretending to be a golden snitch run around the gym, and when Urk caught him, it felt like I had actually won the lottery. Knowing that I had won that t-shirt made me feel like I could relate to the San Francisco Giants, Chicago Blackhawks, Lakers, and the Saints this past year. We were jumping and screaming and crying like we had won the NCAA basketball tournament.

After the fact, some ‘friends’ of mine have complained about us winning a t-shirt for Quidditch. A lot of people say that it shouldn’t count because it’s a magical sport and not real. Well let me tell you all, it is real, cause we played it. We played, and we won. It makes sense that the people complaining about us winning a t-shirt for Quidditch are all people who have yet to win a championship t-shirt themselves. All they try to say in defense is that their 3-on-3 basketball team is 3-0 so far. For me, I couldn’t care less that we won in Quidditch. I find it funny. That being said, if we had lost to that freshmen girls team in the finals, I would have killed myself from the shame of being runner up with nothing to show for while playing Quidditch. It is also pretty cool that I am the all-time leading scorer for chasers in Providence College history AND a member of the first ever PC Quidditch champions. It’ll be something to tell my grandkids and possibly put on my resume. I guess the moral of the story is to always believe. It doesn’t matter if the sport is magical or not, just believe in yourself. So thank you, Harry Potter, for helping us all believe that we too can become champions at Quidditch if your school is lame enough to offer it!

Forever yours,

Jimothy (Providence College Quidditch Champion)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Quest to Find a Date to JRW

I am searching for a date to the Providence College Junior Ring Weekend ceremony. Basically it's a prom for college aged kids. Honestly, I don't know who to ask because I'm too lazy to really think about it and I'm horrible at making decisions. I have no doubt it'll be a good time, and as many people have told me, I do look damn good in a tuxedo, and I can hold my own on the dance floor as numerous good looking women know. So pretty much, I have about a month to find a date to this shindig. To get myself and other PC Juniors pumped for the occassion, I'm going to give you all my top 10 list of dream dates for this upcoming JRW.

10. Hayley Williams- I'm getting the only ginger on the list out of the way early. She got my respect through Paramore and is my favorite female rock singer since Gwen Stefani, and those are big shoes to fill. She's currently number one on my ginger power rankings since Lindsay Lohan is now a druggie, blonde and hasn't done anything since Mean Girls. Honorable ginger mentions to Emma Stone and the lovely Erin Murtagh

9. Danny Allen- He can dance if he wants to. Or he can leave his friend behind.

8. Maci from Teen Mom- She might have to been back sorta early to put Bentley to bed, but she's okay in my book. Honestly, she gets a lot of points for her accent. It would probably be good for her to not go to a prom-type event while pregnant so she would look decent in a dress.

7. Elin Woods- She's gotta be pretty lonely right about now. Also, she can buy my ticket for me with all the money she's getting from Tiger.

6. Emma Watson- There are some conditions here. 1. she would have to grow back her hair instead of the current pixie haircut she has. She looks like a Keebler Elf with that haircut. 2. She has to wear her Gryffindor robes. Although my shot of getting her to go with me is still not very likely, my best shot is probably with her due to the fact she's currently in Providence. I just have to work my magic to get her to go with me (pun definitly intended).

5. Hilary Duff- To my somewhat embarassment, when I had my long hair, a few people actually said I looked like Gordo. Since Gordo and Lizzie Maguire are meant to be together, it only makes sense that she would go with me.

4. Stacey's Mom- She's DEFINITLY got it goin' on.

3. Scarlett Johansson- She is the total package. She gives a good name to Danish women and I'm jealous of Matt Gaynor for going abroad this spring to Denmark. That kid will be swimming in women just like Scarlett. Danish fathers should lock up their daughters cause Beowulf is coming. Anyways, she's gotta wear a red bombshell dress. That'll be nice.

2. Topanga Lawrence- A bit of a weirdo, and Cory Matthews may have a problem with me taking her, but I think overall she'd be a fine date. She was a staple of my childhood television watching and is one of those characters that guys of my age group will never forget. It would also be an added bonus of Mr. Feeney showed up at the dance.

1. Mila Kunis- I wake up every morning and ask God why Mila Kunis is engaged to Macauley Culkin. Life just isn't fair. I love Mila Kunis due to playing Jackie on That 70's Show, then was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Words cannot describe my true feelings for her. If I ever saw her in person I'd faint like I was a chick during the early 70's who just saw The Beatles at Shea Stadium. Many people would call me insane, but I'd rather spend one day with her than a week with Kim Kardashian. Bam. If anyone has her phone number, please give it to me so I can ask her to JRW. That'd be dope.

Honorable Mentions- The St. Paulie Girl, Blake Lively, Debbie Thornberry, Sable, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Summer Sanders, Rose McGowan, Adriana Lima, Smurfette.

Shoutouts- Thank you to Kelsey DeJesus for suggesting Danny Allen as a date. I was going to say Johnny Depp at first, but she led me in the right direction. Also, thanks to Matt "Buckin' Bronco" Gaynor, Sean "Killer" Mottola and Ryan "Tiny Dancer" Urkiel.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

What The Hell? Part III

Once again, somebody posted a series of questions for me to answer on the blog. Honestly, I have no idea who it is, like not even a clue. I gotta say that I'm not as creeped out at the fact that I'm receiving the questions since I've kinda gotten used to it, but some of these questions are just odd. I will give whoever you are credit for making them interesting questions and some of them are pretty funny, however some of them are just weird. Oh well, who am I kidding this gives me a good reason to blog, so here goes nothing! All the questions are straight as they appear from the comment section of the It's Kool 2B in Skool blog I made last week.

Anonymous said...
some inspiration.......

1. Why Jim and not James?
I didn't want people to get me confused with James and the Giant Peach, so when I was about 3 months old I decided to go by Jim.

2. What are you looking for in a wife (besides being an excellent sandwich maker)?
She's gotta be a woman, have a wonderful personality, is okay with attending Bruins games with me, can make me laugh, and lastly, is a good beer pong partner.

3. What's the best class you've taken in college and why?
My best class at Providence College was probably Growth in Christian Life because it taught me to never take another Theology class ever again. Seriously though, it was probably Educational Psychology. It was fun.

4. What's your favorite TBS lyric?
There's too many. Taking Back Sunday has had a lot of great lyrics. I was always a fan of "This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue/and two eyes through the scope down the barrel of a gun" from Timberwolves at New Jersey, or in You're So Last Summer "And you could slit my throat/and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize/for bleeding on your shirt". They're so depressing and angry it's awesome. I could go on and on, cause I've got the mic and you've got the moshpit.

5. Do you prefer to greet acquaintances with the stop-and-chat, the awkward wave/head nod, or the ignore-and-check-your-phone method?
It varies. If I'm not in a rush and I see someone I hang out with every once in a while, I'll do the stop-and-chat. If I'm in a rush with soemone I hang out with, or if I see a person that I know but not all that well, I'll do the awkward wave/head nod. I try to stay away from the ignore-and-check-your-phone method, however I have done it a few times to a few girls I'm trying to hide from/are scared of.

******6. Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?????
I'm not sure what oral sex is.

7. If you were Noah, and could only bring one pair of animals on the ark, which kind would you bring?
This is a great question actually. I'd have to go with a pair of Koala Bears. They're awesome. Penguins are my second choice.

8. Mean, median, or mode?
The answer is mode. Always mode.

9. What's your Dunkin Donuts order?
Large caramel coffee, extra extra. If I'm hungry I'll get a Turkey Cheddar Bacon flatbread sandwhich to go with the coffee.

10. Justify your existence in 30 words or less.
Well, obviously we got a rapist here, in Lincoln Park. He's climbing in your windows, snatching your people up, tryna rape em', so ya'll need to hide ya wife, hide ya

12. Favorite spot in RI?
Thayer Street. What else is there to do in Rhode Island? Yeah the mall is fun but if I were going to answer "the mall" I'd seem lame. So I'll go with Thayer Street.

13. Favorite place in the world?
This is pretty tough. Boston is pretty awesome but Chicago is right up there too. If you had a gun to my head and asked me, I'd probably have to go with my family roots and say Boston. Much love to Chi-town though. Go Blackhawks

14. Do you use gmail?
No actually, but if you give me your gmail I'll make one and we can have more conversations about weird questions.

15. Say you were visiting a small, not-on-the-map, 500-population town in South Dakota, all alone. While walking down the unlit (there are no streetlights) street at midnight, in search of a place to stay, a rumpled hooligan mugs you. He steals your wallet, phone, shoes, and pants. The rumpled hooligan was from Kenya, so you couldn't catch him, and since people in South Dakota are anti-social and probably afraid of black people, no one came out to help you. How do you get home?
That's easy, I'd make the town in South Dakota my home. Since theres so few people there, I'd befriend all the anti-social locals and eventually become mayor. I'd bring streetlights to the town, make the police force bigger by higher more people after raising taxes to pay for it and make the neighborhood more safe so that other people can't get mugged by rumpled hooligans from Kenya.

16. When was the last time you used a phone with a cord?
July 2nd, 2010. I answer the phone at my house in my kitchen and my grandmother wanted to ask my mom if she had to bring any meatballs to my birthday party cookout on the 4th.

17. Was Windows 7 your idea?
No, but sliced bread, this blog, remote controls, and Twitter were some of my ideas.

18. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?
You can't put me on the spot like that. No matter what I say people are going to get pissed off and think of me as a bad person. I'm not a politician. I'll keep that answer to myself, but since you skipped question #11, I'll answer a question of my choice: If you could chill with any 3 movie characters who would they be? Well, I'd like to hangout with Ferris Bueller, James Bond, and V from V For Vendetta.

Word Association
Gryffindor: Snape
Apple: Granny Smith
Quarter: Abe Lincoln
Purple: Barney
Diamond: Dustin Pedroia
Blood: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Gum: Cork

the person who left this comment is not who you think it is. nope, it's not that person either. sorry, wrong again! just stop trying, it's useless. As indicated, #6 is the most essential question for understanding that who is Jim Kirwan. Ponder. Contemplate. Answer.

I have to say, I found the majority of this pretty funny, however I have absolutely no idea what the hell #6 is about. Like none. I'm so puzzled by it and how it is the most essential question for understanding who I am. I mean I can see if it was Macaroni and Cheese, cause that's a no brainer but no cheese is just weird. However, you could make the point that Macaroni and Cheese isn't possible without cheese....damn. As for my answer, I went the sarcastic route, which actually in a way sums me up pretty well considering I'm sarcastic the majority of the time. Whatever, I have one question for you person who gave me all these questions, and I want you to respond to this in the comment section of this blogpost: What happened to question #11?

Anyways, keep on the questions. And c'mon just reveal who you are. I mean here I am responding to your loving questions but you won't even give me a clue at who you are. Just give me some hints or clues.

Monday, September 13, 2010

It's Kool 2B in Skool

Summer is as dead as Tupac right now. Everyone is busting out their hoodies and are back in high school homerooms or in college dorms. For a solid 12 years, I dreaded the end of Autumn and the start of school. For me it meant less time to play with LEGO's, Barbies and WWF action figures and more time learning about that bastard Grover Cleaveland and how to tell time. Looking back upon it now, my 8 year old self would kill himself (myself?) if he found out that when I made it to college, I'd be excited to start school. Now I know that for some of my younger readers in grades K through 12 are balking at the fact that I said I'm glad to be back in the hood of Providence College (yeah the hood, our basketball players beat up students!), the fact remains that I am indeed pumped to be back. Now there are numerous reasons, but let's first discuss the main reason. I like to refer to it as the SWSS. The Syllabus Week Sh!tshow.

What is the Syllabus Week Sh!tshow you ask? It is the first full week of classes to start off a semester. Basically it gives the whole campus a reason to become three sheets to the wind and show up in class the next day feeling Allan, Phil and Stu in The Hangover. All you do that first week is listen to the professor talk about the syllabus and you learn about the lives of your professors. Since no one cares about their professors lives, it gives the students who had a few too many daddy soda's and brewdog's to stare out into space practice sleeping with their eyes open. Sure, occasionally you might have to stand up and say who you are, where you're from and why you're taking the class. This can be fun for creative people, because all you have to do is lie about everything besides your name. Even still, you could lie about your preferred name if you really wanted to. Honestly, how would the professor find out? Now that I think about it, next semester I'm going to try to use a different first name for each class, with a different location and a completely random reason for taking the class. Maybe in my Chemistry class I'll be Ronnie Kirwan, from Kalamazoo, Michigan and I'm taking Chemistry because I'm trying to prove that Dinosaurs never existed. Perhaps in my Social Psychology class I'll be Tuukka Kirwan, from Boise, Idaho and I'm taking Social Psychology in order to learn how to make the next social networking site like Facebook or Twitter. The possibilities are endless. College classes are nice because professors don't care about you. It's not like high school where you're stuck with the same teacher for a full school year and see him/her at least 3 times a week minimum. In college your professor remembers your name after a semester you should feel blessed. The SWSS is the one week during the semester where you have extremely little reading if any, tons of time to kill, and most importantly, checking out your new surroundings. Let's dig deeper gang.

I am starting my Junior year here in beautiful Providence, and I have moved to the complete other side of campus, which is about a football field away from where I lived last year. This being said, I now have a cozy apartment with four of my best friends, complete with a view of a somewhat busy street and a few trees. I have a stove now, which is a big upgrade, our own shower and bathroom, and now the school has trusted us Juniors to live with members of the opposite sex on the same floor! Of course, we can't even look at girls past 2 a.m. cause the bible says so or something like that, but it's a step up! I feel like a king in this new apartment, even if it does cost way too much money and is slightly overcrowded. I can now show off all the cooking skills I don't have to all the gorgeous coed's that will not be in our apartment (I'll blame Gaynor and Sean for that).

It's also lovely being reunited with people that in late April/early May I'd 'plan' on visiting over the summer but never talked to. The classic "Hey! How was your summer!" conversation happens so many times I can recite it verbatum. Picture yourself at a local PC watering hole, and you see someone you kinda sorta hang out with, probably have a few pictures together on Facebook, maybe have a class together and someone that you'll usually give the classic awkward smile and wave to when your walking around campus. The conversation will go like this, Hot Girl "Jim! Hey!" Me, "Hey." Hot Girl, "Sooo, how was your summer!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!??!!?" Me, "Eh it was okay. How about you." Hot Girl, "Umm yeah same I worked a lot. It flew by huh!" Me, "yeah" Hot Girl "wanna make out?" Me, "sure.". Yep. That's the classic welcome back conversation that I always get. It gets real old real quick.

Another reason why it's great to be back is because it's still warm enough for girls to wear clothing that guys like. When it gets below 50 degrees, it seems that every girl on this campus wears the classic outfit of a Northface Jacket, black leggings, and Uggs. I have no idea what they have on under the Northface. I've never seen a girl take hers off if it's under 50 degrees. Its like trying to figure out what is behind the screen in your TV, just what it looks like under what your watching. It creeps me out. Anyways, its nice right now to watch a football game and then go outside and see girls tanning on the quad still. Bros would call it "Brotastic".

I am also real excited for the work waiting for me in my classes this semester. I think it's really neat that I get to get back into the grind and enrich my mind with information that will never leave me. Doing work is good for the soul and, by golly, we should all be grateful for the opportunity to write papers on stuff we'll forget when the semester is over.

I am also a liar.

Today is still technically Monday, which means I've been here for a full week. It's bittersweet because now it means that the SWSS has come to an end. No more parties on Monday nights and fooling around Tuesday night. I now have to do work during the week and spend the weekends living like a sailor, with college parties and Miller Lites as my high seas, along with my crew of other drunken friends. This year I'm hoping to have more stories about friends to tell my grandchildren, make a couple of new friends who can get me a job in the future if I ever need it, be the best looking person wearing a Tuxedo at our Junior Ring Weekend event, and become a master chef in the art of Macaroni and Cheese due to our newly aquired stove in our apartment. In other words, I'm glad to be back. Do I occasionally miss East Providence? Sure some people. This was a good summer. I had a lot of good times with old friends and with some new friends (Cranston Girlz- you four know who you are), but nevertheless, I'm glad to be back in Friartown. Yeah baby.

As for shoutouts, congratulations to Jed "Bow and Arrows" Smith who won my wittiest status contest on facebook, you were a lock with the smash and bash tactics and then attempting to make Danny Allen blush. Also, a shoutout is in order for Sean "Sugah" Mottola for judging it and being a wonderful roommate so far, and thank you to Matt "The Body/Beowulf/The Great Dane/Gaynor The Terrible/The Delegate from Denmark" Gaynor for suggesting to write about the greatness of coming back to school. Also, I'm not quite positive about this, but if memory serves me correct, I believe the first time I heard of the term Syllabus Week Sh!tshow, it was from my dear friend and fellow Friar/East Bay resident Jenna Borkoski. So thank you Jenna for giving me a new vocab word.

Go Friars, God Bless America, and Stay Classy San Diego.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

I've been having writer's block for a solid month now, so take that as my excuse for not blogging in almost a month. It's tough to be brilliant. Anyways, if things to according to plan, this current blog will be the last one before the official Breakfast at Jimothy's website starts off. Now to the blog. I have always prided myself on being somewhat nostalgic. I get it from my mother. When I was younger I'd always watch old movies with her that she loved. Some of these movies were even 30 years before her time, but I loved the majority of them, even though they were in black and white. I never really thought it was weird but I could understand how perplexed some of my friends were when I'd recognize Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn or Spencer Tracy references which are obviously outdated. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sort of old fashioned. I have a record player and have started a pretty awesome vinyl collection. I believe that polaroid instant cameras should come back so we can once again shake it like a polaroid picture (Outkast reference right there), and I believe in Dinner parties. Dinner parties will be something of interest to me probably when I hit 30 since they seem so sophisticated. This got me thinking of who I would invite to my dinner party if I could invite anyone. Now I'm talking a legit dinner party, like people have to dress up formally and use small salad forks, not like a college party that all people my age are used to involving beer pong, Keystone Light, forgotten moments and poor decisions that lead to walks of shame.

Now the only relevant part is who would be invited. The food is a moot point for now because that's not what is important, but since I know that people will be disappointed if I don't say whats on the menu, I'll just say the main course will be Kraft Scooby-Doo Macaroni and Cheese, a nice salad to start, maybe some nachos or stuffed mushrooms for an appetizer and chocolate soufle for dessert. Now that that's out of the way, let's first go with who's cooking and who's serving dinner for the guests and yours truly.
Cook- Giada De Laurentiis. She's gorgeous and can obviously cook since she has her own show on the Food Network. My heart was crushed when I found out she was married. I don't think I've fully recovered but someday I'll get over it.

Rachel Ray- Yeah I'll have two cooks. This is going to be a huge Dinner Bash. The purpose of having good ol' Rach there is just so that the guests and I can participate in the Rachel Ray drinking game. This consists of taking a drink every time Rachel Ray says something corny, cheesy or just way too perky. This is to insure that the guests can consume a more than healthy amount of booze to get a little bit loosey goosey considering the fact that 92% of everything Rachel Ray says is corny, cheesy or way too perky. I guess Rachel can cook too.

Serving- Geoffrey from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. In my opinion, he could be one of the greatest supporting actors of any sitcom ever. He was the essence of cool. Name a more fun butler. You can't, shame on you for even trying. G did his job and had enough gusto to make a witty remark to the people he's serving, and that will come to good use at this dinner.

The other server for this shindig will be Michael Caine due to his wonderful portrayal of Alfred the butler in The Dark Knight. I'm sure he'd have a few interesting old man stories to go along with looking so damn dapper.

The Strokes- The coolest band of all time. Honestly they'd be the only band I'd even consider having at a dinner party. They have a wonderful sense of style, seem somewhat laid back, and their bassist might be the coolest/scariest looking mofo out there. Imagine having to sit across from this guy all night? He looks like the guy from No Country For Old Men with a broken jaw. I feel like any member of The Strokes would be down for a nice dinner party, especially you Julian Casablancas, let's get a smile out of you for once.

Danny Allen- Dan is my sidekick on this blog, he has to come, has to be depressed and has to make at least one person feel uncomfortable due to his sarcasm. Without him, there is no dinner party.

Betty White- I thought she was long dead until she hosted Saturday Night Live, and I gotta give it to her, her episode was the funniest SNL I have seen in years, and I watch it semi-regularly. She is always welcome for Macaroni and Cheese at my place. Maybe she can even tell me some stories from the Civil War and what Major League Baseball was like before Babe Ruth played.

Justin Bieber- Just so I can kick the shit out of him.

Wilmer Valderrama- He can come as long as he dresses and talks like Fez from That 70's Show. Just hearing him say Mashed Potatoes would make the night special.
Carrot Top- Yeah, Carrot Top. The guy always shows up when you least expect him to, like in the photographs shown during the end credits of the Hangover or those horrible 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials. Plus, we need at least one ginger there for Danny Allen to make fun of.
The Olson Twins- The purpose of inviting them will just be to save some food for the others in case we run low on supplies. Also, we could use the trashbags they wear as clothing to dispose of the garbage.
Carmen San Diego- Just so that for once we'll finally know where she is.
Thing 2- Probably not too realistic, but maybe we could find out exactly what Thing 2 actually is. And no, Thing 1 is not invited. I was never a fan of odd numbers.
Lil Wayne- Yes, Weezy. Why you ask? So that when he brings his drugs and guns to the party I'll have cops on hand to arrest him, thus giving him another court date for weapons and drug charges so that he'll be kept locked up. I actually didn't mind him until the phrase "No Ceilings" became popular. Now I have heard it so many times out of Chris Rizzini's mouth I A) want to kill myself and 2) want Weezy locked up as long as possible so no more of these stupid expressions are created. By the way, he still has another court date in Arizona for weapons and drug charges soon, so he might not even be able to make my dinner party.

Sean Mottola- I have to invite my soon to be roommate. I've gotten to know Sean over the past two years, and I just know that he'll make an ass out of himself or be so nervous surrounded by all these famous people that he would have a nervous breakdown. I'd take either of those two choices to happen, because they'd both be hilarious to witness.

The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George fame- He deserves a night off from Curious George. Now that I think about it, I'm curious if anyone knows his real name. Wikipedia says that he only has a name in the movie that came out in 2006 and it is Ted Shackleford. Yeah, okay.

Mean Girls Era Lindsay Lohan- Pre-drugs, pre-eating disorder, pre-blonde, pre-dating Samantha Ronson, pre-DUI(s), pre-jail and post-Parent Trap. That Lindsay Lohan can come.
Zach Galifianakis- I'm not gonna lie, Dinner For Schmucks was a pretty awful movie. It was sorta funny but it just sucked. However, Zach is always welcome to my dinner party or any party of mine after his performance in The Hangover. I'd sure Betty White would be frightened of him, but I'm sure it would be a good time with him there.

Ellen Degeneres- I appreciate her for her somewhat serious demeanor and her ability to dance just because she wants to. More people should dance in public for no apparent reason. Ellen, I salute you.
Brett Favre- Two reasons. First, I've always wanted to meet someone whose middle name is Lorenzo. Secondly, so I could poison his food so that he cannot retire and come back again. It would be sort of annoying because he might change his mind about RSVPing about 30 times before on deciding to just come anyways.
Will Smith- I can't really think of a good reason not to invite him, so why not.
Anyone From The Expendables Cast- Just imagine the great conversations the other guests can have with the likes of Sly Stalone, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren. There would be more dead braincells per person than calories in all the food combined.
The Kid Who Played Goldberg- On second thought, I'll extend the invitation to all of the Mighty Ducks kids. With the exception of Kenan Thompson and the kid that played Charlie Conway, none of them really amounted to much. They probably all are in dire need of food and money, so I'll give them some food.
Steve From Blue's Clues- There was rumors that he died but I think it was made up. He has to wear the green sweater he always wore and he has to get my mail for me upon entrance while singing that Mail Time song.
Russell Brand- So he can bring Katy Perry.
Katy Perry- So she can bring Russell Brand.
Jonah Hill- Every dinner party needs a jolly fat guy with the mouth of a sailor with an afro and the star of SuperBad.
Scarlett Johansson- She can be my date.
Antoine Dodson- Yes, that Antoine Dodson. The overnight sensation. Never has anyone gotten on a local news show and made a story about attempted rape funny. If he can make an attempted rape funny, imagine what he could do at dinner! If you don't know what I'm talking about, just watch this video here.
Kid Rock- After seeing him in concert with Bon Jovi, he gets the invite for having so much American Pride. I mean I'm born on July 4th and his abundance of American pride almost made me feel Russian for a second. American Pride is always welcome in my house and at my table.
Kevin Bacon- Cause everyone is 6 degrees away from him.
The Person Who Asks Me All Those Questions- Yes, you know who you are whoever you are. When I have this dinner party you better show up. You're only getting invited because I still have no idea who you are and it creeps me out.
I do have to give Tom "Tomboy" Airozo credit for the Olson Twins suggestion. Also, shoutouts are in order for Rachel Palmisciano, Erin Murtagh and Kelsey DeJesus, or as they are now known as "The Trio". If this is indeed the final blog on blogspot, it has been fun. Pretty soon will be launched and hopefully there will be more posts, more fun, more randomness and maybe more people posting stuff. I'll be posting links to the site and updates through this blog though, so check back in the near future.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Jukebox Heroes

Before we start, I do have some news. For my 20th birthday on July 4th, my parents got me one of my favorite presents of all time, the domain for my very own Breakfast at Jimothy's website. This means that in the near future, I'll have my very own website instead of this blog run through blogspot. This also means that I'm a big deal and have accomplished something important in my life. It's pretty exciting for me, but I will have to set aside some time to set up the website and all that fun stuff. It'll be a good time and I'll hopefully be able to sell tshirts through the site and maybe get a few other people to join me with writing their thoughts on pop culture and other random things. Okay, now for the real part of the blog.

I've been to many concerts over the past five years or so. After seeing Weezer this past week with Chuck Wescott, my goodtime pal and favorite person going into Junior year of high school Eric Towne gave me the idea of blogging about concerts, so I'm taking it one step farther and I'm going to describe the 6 types of people that we all see at concerts. I've been to many concerts in many places, and I've seen the majority of these types of people around. Let's begin.

The Bad Ass Mosh Pitters- These are the kids who hate their parents and have nothing better to do than release their anger and frustrations by shoving and hitting kids in a giant circle surrounded by crowds of people who are just trying to avoid them. These kids are just out of their minds. You can often find them at concerts for bands like My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, Rise Against, Brand New, Senses Fail, just to name a few. A basic rule of thumb is the more screaming and angst the band has, the more hardcore the moshpits will be. It's never a good thing when you see a group of 6 kids wearing bandanas over their mouth and nose like they belong in a wild west movie push through a crowd and make a bee line to the nearest moshpit. You just know that these kids are looking for some brave nerds to bash, smash and trash. These kids are pretty annoying at concerts, and although its sort of a rush to go in a moshpit for about 5 seconds, most of it is nonsense.

The Stoners- Yesh, the druggies that always seem like they're on their own planet. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this started (like the downfall of most things) in the 1960's. Stoners can be fun at times to watch at concerts, because most of them just sorta sway back and forth and dance by themselves. My first true experience seeing Stoners at a concert was at the Red Hot Chili Peppers show at the Boston Garden. We were in the cheap seats (even though in this case the cheap seats were $70) and myself and Chris Rizzini were seated next to two guys who can only be described as looking like Gothic Jay and Silent Bob. These guys had to be on Mushrooms or LSD or something. The Mars Volta were the opening band and these two guys were ready to drop a few tabs and go on a magical voyage with purple cats and unicorns, since all they did was dance by moving their hips in a circle while standing up by themselves to the Mars Volta jamming out. They didn't even stay for the Chili Peppers, which is hard to believe but true. Stoners can be found at any Grateful Dead, Dave Matthews, Snoop Dogg, 311, Sublime or Spice Girls concert. Most stoners will look like your average sketchy drug dealer, they really aren't that hard to spot out.

Concert Couples- There is a time and a place for concerts being dates. For instance, when I saw Taking Back Sunday a few weeks ago, I could never imagine myself being there with my girlfriend (don't worry, I'm still single ladies, this is just hypothetical). There's just too much pushing and shoving and random grabbing going on cause everyone is up by the stage. On the other hand, I would take a date to Weezer, like I did with Chuck, only it would've been alright to take a female instead of Chuck (you were a fine date anyways Chuck), because Weezer is more of a happy band and there are not as many angry people there, it's more of a fun time. If you see Bad Ass Mosh Pitters there, you probably shouldn't bring your girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I respect girls who go to Taking Back Sunday, Brand New and Rise Against concerts, if a girl can hold her own at one of those shows they she'll score some brownie points, but these type of shows are just not first date material. I can just see myself in a year bringing some girl on our first date to see Against Me! and watching my date lose a shoe in a mosh pit, get elbowed in the face, and then lose her for good when she goes crowd surfing. Concert couples can be dangerous due to the situation, so be careful for anyone you see holding hands.

The Slightly Intoxicated Parents Reliving Their Glory Days- This is a classic type of concert goer. In fact, I actually saw a good number of these people this past weekend at this festival where there were tribute bands of KISS, Aerosmith, Jimi Hendrix and others of my parents generation's fan favorites. These are the people who just get drunk and dance very similar to the Stoners. Since dancing wasn't invented in the 60's and 70's, these people don't know how to dance properly, so at concerts they just stand up, bend one knee at a time and wave their arms. It looks more like a voodoo ritual than dancing, but it's what they do. The majority of these people are at concerts in open areas where you can bring lawn chairs. They can be see at concerts by bands like the Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendr.......dammit all of these people are dead, so actually it's at concerts by COVER bands of the Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and barely alive bands such as Aerosmith, The Rolling Stones, and if Led Zeppelin ever got back together for good and toured. These people just like to forget the fact that they've gotten fat, married and have had children and just want to party like it's 1977, so they have a few Daddy Sodas, try to text their children to go play in dirt and get ready for some fake Steven Tyler to serenade them for the night. One last note, the dance moves performed by these people can only be compared to one of those Whacky Inflatable Arms Guys you see on the side of the road at grand opening of car dealerships and places similar. For further guidance for what I'm trying to explain, just click this link here.

The Barricade Huggers- These are the lucky sons of bitches who wait in line 16 hours before the doors open for whatever the concert they're attending is scheduled. These people are dedicated since they have to stand up holding a barrier getting squished through all the crappier opening bands, and they are an arms length away from the normally large bouncers who have the duty of keeping the crowd surfers from landing on concrete. These people normally like to tell whoever singer the have a crush on that they love them and want to have his children and think they can be heard and that the person they're shouting at cares. These people can be inconsiderate at times, by doing things like kicking backwards to the person behind them's shins, throwing elbows, and like this one rather stout girl at the Taking Back Sunday show, hip check about 5 people at once and send them flying (I've been a victim of all of these things). They like feeling special that they are against the barricade, and try their hardest to catch guitar picks, drum sticks, set lists and other items from the band. Oh and they also hate the next type of concert goers A LOT.

The Mover Uppers- This is my specialty. I am the king of mover uppers at concerts. So many people have doubted me and time and time again I shut them up. These are the people who have floor seats but are in the middle of the crowd, but midway through the set they are in the 2nd row of people, only behind the Barricade Huggers. There is a long standing feud between the Mover Uppers and the Barricade Huggers. We Mover Uppers are masters of squeezing inbetween people to get closer to the stage. I've had to jump over people tying shoes, tap people on the shoulder to get them to look the other way so I can go around them, and dash through moshpits to clear about 7 rows of people just to get closer. How good of a Mover Upper am I? To date, I've caught a guitar pick from Taking Back Sunday, Brand New, 2 from Third Eye Blind, Simple Plan, Motion City Soundtrack, and one setlist from Taking Back Sunday. Also one half empty bottle of water from Anberlin, which was needed pretty badly to be honest. We are assholes, us Mover Uppers, because we are relentless and stop at nothing besides the barricade, but thats only because the big buff bouncers are in our way from the stage. At this past Taking Back Sunday show, I caught a setlist, and my dear friends Wade Zawatsky and Kyle Towne caught the lead singer after he did a front flip off stage. Being a mover upper has it's perks, but it can be dangerous at times.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up for concert goers. I hope that everyone who reads this can relate to these types of people and have learned to love, hate or become one of them. I also want to apologize for not blogging in a while. Honestly I just haven't had any good topics to blog about. This will soon change.

Proud to be serving you breakfast through words, and prouder to be a Friar,

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Who Where How Long When Why?

It seems that the world has been waiting for LeBron James to make up his mind for months. This summer is the biggest summer for free agents for basketball and even hockey. People who don't even normally care about sports, from the girls in Mrs. Smiths 2nd grade English class to my Mother knows that this summer is a big deal in the world of sports. Everyone who is breathing pretty much knows that players such as LeBron, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and now Paul Pierce are looking to go on the move, but no one knows exactly where. I've decided to answer these questions, along with other people who are free agents who you might not have realized.

LeBron James- All we ever hear is about how much of a freak of nature LeBron is. We hear things like he would be playing in the NFL if he weren't in the NBA and that he's solid at every single sport. I'm going to call out King James and tell him to try hockey. It just so happens that the Columbus Blue Jackets need more scoring, and considering that LeBron plays both defense and can put up a lot of points is something the Blue Jackets need. Also, LeBron can stay close to Cleveland, and the great state of Ohio won't have to worry about losing him.

Ilya Kovalchuk- He might not be a big name to most of you because 1. He plays hockey and B. He's Russian and not a James Bond villain, but he is a big deal in the free agent market of the NHL. Basically the man just scores goals and then lets the rest of his team play defense. He'll want as much money as possible and when no one gives him a contract to become the richest Russian ever, he'll go back to the Motherland and sign with the Moscow Dynamo for 12 Rubels.

Mick Jagger- Yes, the frontman for the Rolling Stones. I mean sure he's British but this dude has been wanting to be American for years. Actually, he's done so many drugs that it wouldn't surprise me if he now thinks that he was born in Detroit or something. There is no doubt that he will sign with the United States of America in the near future. After seeing him in the luxury box with "Wild" Bill Clinton for the USA/Ghana world cup game, it pretty much sealed the deal. If anyone can convince you to become American, it's gotta be Bill Clinton. Welcome to America Mick, now hang up your Union Jack flag and buy the ol' stars and stripes flag and get ready for a wild July 4th on Sunday.

Steve Carell- This past week, Steve Carell basically said that the upcoming season of The Office will be his last one as Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch Manager Michael Scott. I have a strong feeling that he'll sign with 30 Rock to play Tina Fey's long lost brother. Also, don't be shocked if he signs on for the next Pirates of the Carribean movie. Anything he does after The Office will be okay for him, because we all know that he can't do any worse than Evan Almighty.

Chris Bosh- He'll just follow LeBron wherever he goes. This of course means that he will be signing with the Columbus Blue Jackets a day after LeBron does. The city of Toronto will be furious with the fact that not only did the Raptors lose their only notable basketball player, but he signs with one of the worst hockey franchises ever and not with the beloved Maple Leafs. Interesting note: by signing James and Bosh, the Columbus Blue Jackets will be the first team to have more than one African Amercian player on one hockey team.

The Taco Bell Dog- In a shocking turn of events, the Taco Bell Dog that we all came to adore in the 90's will sign a 10 year contract with Burger King. The Taco Bell Dog has been looking for a job for a few years now after holding out for a richer contract, but times are desperate and he will sign with Burger King and try to lose his Mexican accent. Mucho Caliente, Amigos!

Amanda Bynes- After shocking the world by retiring from acting at the ripe old age of 24, Amanda Bynes will realize in about 15 months that she can't do anything else and come back in What A Girl Wants 2. Since she's been acting since she was in the womb, she has no other skills and she's too old to go back to high school. This retirement will make all of Michael Jordan and Roger Clemens' retirements look a lot longer than what they were.

Justin Bieber- Once puberty hits, this kid is screwed. Justin Bieber will soon sign a huge contract with the female sex. That's right, he'll officially become a girl. He really won't have much else going for him after puberty, and soon enough, girls will lose interest in him. Factor in the fact that all males on earth hate the little twirp will make him want to turn into a woman, which are the only people on earth who appreciate him currently. He'll also have some contract offers from secret societies for child actors who just got weird once they became grownups, such as Macaulay Caulkin, Jesse McCartney, Gary Colem....whoops, and the kid from Stewart Little.

Dwayne Wade- He's staying in Miami.

Ryan Gomes- Yes, the greatest basketball player from Providence College was waived by the Trail Blazers in some bullshit deal so they can make room to sign James, Bosh or Wade which we already know won't happen. Ryan Gomes will decide to go to the one team that loved him the most: Providence College. That's right, Ryan Gomes is going to sign a 5 year contract with Providence College to save the basketball team he once had to save already back in 2001.

Simon Cowell- Sure, he left American Idol and it was a big deal, but it will be a bigger deal when he joins Joe Rogan and Jeff Probst to host and judge American Fear Factor Survivor. AFFS is going to be the first singing show where 12 contestants have to eat disgusting things and do gross things while writing their own songs on a deserted island.

The State of Delaware- C'mon. Delaware is just about everyone's least favorite state and is by far the most forgotten. At least Rhode Island can say we're the smallest state in the nation. Delaware has to settle for 2nd smallest, and no one likes that. It's like how Wrigley Field is America's 2nd oldest ballpark behind Fenway Park. Delaware has to consider the fact that no one cares about them, and they are going to sign a 3 year contract to just become a part of Maryland. Yes, it'll be a shame that the 1st state will be merging with another state that it borders with, but at least people won't have to remember Delaware when playing the 'Name all 50 States" Game on Sporcle.

Snooki- Enjoy it now, Princess of Poughkeepsie, the 2nd season of Jersey Shore comes out later this month, and after that you're right back to being a nobody. Let's face it, DJ Pauly D is the only one with a bright future after the show ends because he's a DJ and at least he can perform at clubs and make music. What is Snooki going to do? She'll only be able to do so many paid apperances at clubs before she turns into a complete nobody, so she'll turn to a place she'll truly fit in: a carnival. Look for Snooki to join a carnival to be the woman in the Dunk Tank. The contract will be a 3 year deal worth about 5 spray tans a week and a couple of new Ed Hardy dresses per year.

Paul Pierce- My favorite Celtic of all time (only because Larry Bird retired when I was like two) just said he's going to become a free agent, most likely to get a new contract. He's gonna stay in Boston. Everyone else in the league considers him a cry baby and fakes injuries and are just simply annoyed by him. Therefore he'll just get a bigger contract from the Celtics and everyone will be happy.

Terrell Owens- It's not that surprising that no team wants him considering the fact that he's a jackass, so he'll sign with any team that wants him. He'll sign a 1 year contract with the Washington Redskins sometime in July. He'll also be on Dancing With the Stars two seasons from now.

Kel Mitchell- Not to be confused with the lovely Kelly Mitchell, I'm talking about Kel from Keenan and Kel. Apparently he became a rapper and was in a Sprite commercial recently, but he needs to make a comeback. His boy Keenan is on Saturday Night Live (barely), but Kel hasn't done all that much since All That and the Keenan and Kel Show. I mean it only makes sense that Kel signs a contract with either Orange Crush or Fanta to promote Orange Soda. It would be so easy, all he would have to do is say the only line that people remember him by anyways "Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda, I do I do I dooo-ooo-ooooo!" (thanks to Tom Airozo for suggesting Kel, here's your shoutout Tomboy)

Allen Iverson- Everyone misses A.I. The man was the face of Philadelphia for years. He made it always sunny in Philadelphia. It's a shame that The Answer had to retire under strange circumstances. He still has game and will sign a 1 year deal with the Phillies to be a pinch runner.

Captain Planet- The lamest superhero of all time will never get his own movie, but there is one thing he could do: clean up this oil spill caused by BP. In his first challenge since like the 80's, he will sign a contract with the United Nations to take on his most fearsome and realistic foe, BP and clean up the mess they made. Remember, the Power is Yours!...actually it's his if he's going to clean that spill up.

Needless to say the free agent market this year is pretty crazy. It'll be an interesting summer with plenty of twists and turns. I just hope the Captain Planet deal goes through.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Thanks to Toy Story 3, I've been starting to feel old. This may sound odd to some, but knowing that Andy is now grown up and going off to college, I officially feel like childhood has come to a deadend. I'm not sure if it's kinda sad that I still consider being in college part of my childhood, but it's not as sad as Algeria giving up a goal in the 91st minute to a dude named Landon, thus crushing the country's hopes and dreams. Anyways, with Andy going off to college and AMANDA BYNES RETIRING FROM ACTING, I pondered just how much I've lived through. I'm turning 20 on July 4th, and it's a weird age. I'm still not legal to drink and be an official adult to some, yet I'm done with being a teenager. Turning 20 is like a tease from God. It's like he's saying I'm grown up but still can't get drunk and do stupid things with my friends legally at house parties. I guess I have grown up a bit from the last time we saw Buzz Lightyear, Woody and Mr. Potatohead, but my life has turned out differently from what I thought it would be when I was 9 (when Toy Story 2 came out). So let's play a game. We'll call it "Flashback to 1999 and see if I was right", or as some call it, Ft99asiIwr. Let's begin:

Career Wise: This could be the most disappointing and far off thing from predictions when I was 9. When I was 9, I wanted to play point guard for the Chicago Bulls. I didn't want anything else. No firefighting, no baking, no astronauting, I just wanted to play alongside Michael Jordan and shoot 3's like it was my job. This dream was actually shattered quickly, considering MJ retired soon afterwards, the Bulls haven't done anything since, I stopped playing basketball in the 6th grade, I've converted fully to a Celtics fan, and honestly I don't even watch the NBA until playoffs. Now that I'm a psychology major, it's funny to me that I didn't know what a psychologist was when I was nine, and if I did I probably would've thought it would be the most boring career ever. Then I would have gone outside and taken shots on my Fisher Price basketball hoop that I was still using although I was way too old for it.

School Wise: When I was nine, I was Mr. Boston College for years. This was due to my Uncle Chris taking me to BC football games all the time when I was young, and I figured that since it was in Boston and had a football team, I would just get in there. Providence College was like a joke to me back when I was 9. Why would I ever stay in Rhode Island for college? Are you kidding me? I'm getting the hell out of here and taking the long road to Massachusetts! Only I probably would've said heck instead of hell, but you get the picture. My dream of BC came to a halt when I was a Freshman in high school and realized that I sucked at any math that rhymed with tree-ometry, twig-ometry, or pre-braculus. This actually worked out though, since PC is my home and is always ready to party. I would take Boston College's basketball team for next year, but whatever. Also, a big difference from 4th grade and college is the teachers! I had a woman who cared about us and gave the class a "big gold star!" if you did something good. Now in college it's a big deal if your professor looks at you during class. Oh and we don't have recess at college. Actually I take that back, about 95% of college can be considered recess, only you add booze and developed girls into the picture.

Music Wise: In the fourth grade, I liked just mainstream stuff I suppose. The occasional MMMBop song was okay, Britney Spears was telling us she wanted it one more time, baby, and we all were livin' la vida loca with Ricky Martin who was straight (or so we thought) back then. I'll admit, my Dad made me a cassette tape for my walkman when I was really young with stuff like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, The Offspring and other bands that 7-9 year olds shouldn't be listening to, and I felt like the bee's knees for having it. (Note, it struck me about 2 years ago with this cassette tape that it's odd that my Dad let me listen to the song Jeremy by Pearl Jam at such a young age, the song's about suicide in a classroom! Good thing it took me so long to understand the lyrics). Now here I am, almost able to collect social security at the ripe age of 20, and I'm listening to bands like Taking Back Sunday, The Clash, Motion City Soundtrack, Brand New, and Weezer. If you were to ask me at age 9 my thoughts on Lady Gaga, MGMT, Eminem and Smash Mouth, I would've told you that Lady Gaga was probably the next host of Blue's Clues, MGMT was just you mixing up you're alphabet, Eminems would be great to eat right now straight from the (w)rapper and I'd probably tell you that Smash Mouth will be big for years and years to come. Oh boy how music has progressed from 1999. Oh, and looking back upon it now, I consider myself lucky that from ages 9-12ish Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock didn't influence my life as much as I listened to their cd's back then. How did my parents allow me to listen to all those swear words. Almost makes me wonder what Fred Durst is doing right now.

Apperance Wise: I'll be honest, besides growing a foot and having semi-long curly hair, I haven't changed at all. I have almost as much facial hair now as I did back in 1999, and I'll be the first to tell you that I haven't changed at all. I will say that my wardrobe has improved thank the good lord almighty. I look back at pictures of myself now from 4th grade and I want to puke. Remember the scene in Happy Gilmore where Happy sees the man in front of him dressed like a "normal" golfer and says "If I saw myself wearing clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass"? That's how I feel about me and my mom's clothing styles for myself back then. Instead of wearing those pants that zipped off into shorts, I only wear jeans now. Also, seeing myself with a buzzcut and the occasional hairflip thing in the front is good for a laugh. It's also good that I've progressed from WWF t-shirts to band and sports tshirts. I'm starting to wonder if style in general took a hiatus in the 90's. At least the 80's had a noticeable sense of style that we can laugh at.

Girl Wise: I'll be honest, when I was 9 I acted like I had a new girlfriend each week. I'd tell somebody that I had a crush on Little Suzie Jefferson one day, then the next day it was Honest Harriet Smith. As you can imagine, it didn't work out for me going from one girl to the next back then. I wouldn't really call myself a heart breaker, mainly because those girls always had a crush on somebody else. I felt like 4th grade love stories should've had it's own soap opera after The Young & The Restless. Now that I'm in college, I've come to realize that nothing has changed and I'm still falling in love with girls I walk by on Thayer street or at the mall and never see again, and as always, they never had crushes back on me (or they just didn't see me and notice how dashingly handsome I am, which is probably the case). It also doesn't help that I'm using the same pickup lines since the 4th grade, such as "Is your name Summer? Cause you're hot", or "Do you know CPR? Cause you take my breath away", or my personal favorite "You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet". I'm now starting to realize why I don't have luck with girls these days.

Friend Wise: Possibly the most tragic part of the blog. I only hang out with about 3 people from the 4th grade. Chuck Wescott and Tyler Blatchley. Me and Chuck have improved greatly from 4th grade, however Tyler worries me because he really hasn't changed that much from the 4th grade. Seriously though, it is kinda weird looking back upon it how close I was to some kids back then and get so far apart from them.

Finally, what 9 year old Jimothy would say to 19 almost 10 year old Jimothy: I wouldn't know what a blog was, nor what Breakfast at Tiffany's was. I also didn't have the ability to make a play on words. The only thing dealing with breakfast when I was 9 was poptarts, which is better than me not eating breakfast at all these days. I would be pleased with myself that Macaroni and Cheese is still being consumed by myself 3 nights a week. I would be thrilled with the thought of having my own car, since I never was one for riding bikes. I'd be disappointed that the Bruins still haven't won a Stanley Cup, but even more disappointed that I'm not filthy rich yet. I'm sure 9 year old Jimothy would have figured that by the age of 20 I was moved out of my house and knew everything about everything, because 20 seems so far away when you're 9. I do plan on seeing Toy Story 3, because it'll bring out the inner child in me. 1999 was okay, but I think Prince was going a little overboard by telling us to Party Like It was 1999. Now that I'm an old man and can go to parties that aren't being supervised by adults, it seems sorta lame to party like it was 1999. Anyways, I guess it's true when they say that time flies when you're having fun, and that's exactly what has happened in my life, and I don't regret that at all.

I'd like to give a shoutout to Kyle, Eric and Brian Towne, along with Alyssa and Danielle Rizzini or being such faithful diners. It makes me proud to have people asking me when the next blog is coming out. For the facebook status shoutouts, I shall grant shoutouts to Meg "MerMerMer" O'Neill, Rob "Coverboy for the SAT studyguide" Moreira, Ryan "BROrmerod" Ormerod, Frank "The Tank" Gassert and Scott "Prancin' Dancin'" Damiano.

Proud to be a citizen of a country that be Algeria in soccer, but even prouder to be serving you Breakfast,

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous

As some of you may or may not know, this past weekend (Thursday to Monday) myself, Andrew Chace, and the flying Rizzini Brothers were in Chicago. This trip was by far the most adventurous journey of my life. By pure luck, I was in town for the Chicago Blackhawks Stanley Cup Championship parade right downtown, so I had my one chance to pull a Ferris Bueller and perform Twist and Shout on a parade float, but needless to say it was harder than it looked in the movie. I probably couldn't have had a better chance to do it considering championship parades don't happen very often in Chicago (see: Cubs, 1908) since Michael Jordan left town (I know the White Sox won in '05 but we all know that was a fluke). I certainly had the courage to hijack a float without security noticing, but I left my microphone and boombox at home, thus I couldn't perform the song, so I'm sorry for letting you all down, BUT I will share a story that will be one I plan on telling my grandkids. For the record, this story really did happen and you can ask Matt, Chris or Andrew and they will tell you it all happened, because it was the greatest thing the 4 of us have ever done in all our lives, which is pretty pathetic but I'll take it. Here we go.

Saturday night we went to Mike Ditka's restaurant downtown in the midst of sky scrapers and beautiful midwestern girls, and we decided to dress up to look like big shots. We all had on dress shirts, ties, dress shoes and pants and were looking rather dapper. We wanted to feel important so Andrew called ahead and made reservations when we didn't need them whatsoever. Anyways, we get to the restaurant and had a lovely dinner blah blah blah. Fast forward through the walking around and waiting for busses and we wind up at the Navy Pier. The Navy Pier is basically a really really nice boardwalk complete with some banquet hall, numerous restaurants and shops, a ferris wheel and a bunch of rides, and it is right on Lake Michigan. If you were to take the boardwalk from Rocket Power, this would be it. We originally went to the Navy Pier to watch the Saturday night fireworks and just walk around. We got there in time and saw fireworks, and we knew it was going to be a good night when we turned a corner and saw a Salt n' Peppa cover band singing "Push It" and then witnessed a "booty shaking contest" conducted by one of the whitest rapper/dj's ever seen. I'd be willing to use the term Wanksta if that's what the kids still call Crackas these days, but whatever. After watching a few more covers of certain songs by Sir Mixx-a-Lot about rear-ends, we decided to walk to the end of the pier. This is where it gets interesting.

As we get to the end of the pier, we see this banquet hall through glass and notice immediately that there are security guards at ever door and the people inside are wearing tuxedos. This can only mean one thing: money. Since we're poor college kids with bleak futures, we obviously were intrigued, but we kept on walking a little farther. As we passed by one door however, this woman who can only be put in the Cougar category spotted us, waved and said "Hey You Guys!". Unsure if she thought we stole money from her or if she knew us, we turned around and walked towards her and her companion who was this blonde girl about our age. We started talking and this woman (let's call her Cougar Carol) told us that the event was "a bunch of rich guys raising money for something". She lated elaborated a bit and told us that it was a "black tie event fundraiser for Northwestern Medical", which we lated found out was called Prentice Palooza, which doesn't sound that rich for some reason. Anyways, the purpose of Cougar Carol hunting the four of us good looking guys was that she was drunk and looking for a man for her friend Courtney, who was her boss' daughter(?). She asked us how old we were and when Andrew said 21, she just immediately assumed we all were considering the other 3 of us didn't say a word about our age (which is odd considering Chris really is 21 and Andrew is only 20...). After telling Cougar Carol that we're all from East Providence, and me having to inform her that Providence College is in Providence, Rhode Island, she said out of nowhere "wanna come in?". What the hell kind of a question is that? Did she really think that we wouldn't take her up on that? Was she expecting us to say something along the lines of "oh no Ma'am, that's mighty nice of you, but we shouldn't attend an event we didn't pay $1,000 to get into". We said yes quicker than you can say the word flamingo, and then Cougar Carol took Courtney aside to discuss things for a minute. The four of us got into a group huddle and realized that we had a chance to do something only seen in Wedding Crashers. We all decided that if this woman comes back and says we can come in, we are doing it and we are going to stay until we get thrown out. After a minute, Cougar Carol came back and reluctantly told us that she didn't think it was a good idea. If there is any type of person I hate more than anything, it's a person who tells us we can crash a black tie event and then tell us it's not a good idea. No shit it's not a good idea, we're college kids who shouldn't be partying with Illinois' finest millionaires. We weren't taking no for an answer. We sorta made Cougar Carol feel bad by saying "ahhh c'mon", and it sorta worked, because as they were walking back in, Cougar Carol said "Okay fine, follow me and sneak in quick". This was like telling Amy Winehouse to snort some coke. We sort of hesitated a split second and then took a deep breath and just walked in. I think the security guard said something to Andrew along the lines of "are you with this party?" to which Andrew replied "uh yeah" and we all just walked in.

We quickly realized that we were with the snooty people of Chicago. This fundraiser was the most lavish and stunning event I have and may ever go to. There were dancers on podiums, a live band (Lynn Jordan and the Shivers), and a lot of drunk rich people. I saw your classic escorts, golddiggers, 20-something blonde bombshells dancing with 80-something year old millionairse on their deathbed, the whole sha-bang. I felt starstruck at this place. We realized that we were dressed up nice, but not nice enough since everyone was wearing a tux, so we decided to split up into groups of 2 (myself and Matt, Andrew and Chris) and walked around the place pretending that either we were someones son/nephew or we were waiters at the place. Matthew and I were about to go join the wealthy on the ballroom dance floor, but just as we got up there a slow song started playing, dashing our hopes of finding some gorgeous 20 year old millionaire to sweep off her feet. Instead of dancing, we spotted a professional photographer (the kind you see at your cousin's wedding taking pictures of everyone there), so of course we took a picture together. It must have been pretty funny when they developed it seeing all these socialites and then two jackasses from Rhode Island grinning like we broke into a black tie event (oh wait, we did). Very soon afterwards, Andrew came up to us, wrapped his arms around our shoulders and lovingly said "guys! it's been a great time, but we're getting thrown out". This was about 15 minutes after arriving. Some security guard asked Chris if we were on a list, and after saying that we were guests of Courtney, the guard finally realized that we were not infact millionaires giving money to Northwestern Medical, so we unfortunately had to leave. Those were the greatest 15 minutes of my life. We took it all in stride and weren't bummed about it, because those were 15 minutes more than we all thought we were going to spend inside that place.

After getting kicked out, we did the next thing anyone would do after getting thrown out, go on the ferris wheel. Honestly, this weekend was amazing and Chicago is by far my favorite city of all time. I have a few more stories I'd like to share but this one is good enough for this blog, hopefully I'll share more this upcoming week. If you ever get the chance to visit Chicago, you should do it, it's an unbelievable city and deserves your love. As for shoutouts, Lynzee Gillis, my beloved cousin, here's your long awaited shoutout, so you can stop making me feel like a horrible cousin for forgetting it. Also, Sean Mottola for somehow getting half of his body into the new blog picture. Lastly, Matt, Chris and Andrew for a wonderful time. Best weekend ever.

Proud to be a Blackhawks fan, even prouder to be serving you Breakfast,

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You're So Last Summer

I've been struggling with a good blog topic all week. So in the spirit of summer and lack of questions from the anonymous person who asks me weird questions, I've just decided to do my top 10 list of things to do in the summer.

10. Mourn the Loss of 24- Tonight marked the end of an era. Jack Bauer has been saving the world from terrorists for years. He lost his wife, his relationship with his daughter for an extended period of time, all his friends, a social life, sobriety, and his soul over the course of the 8 seasons he's been kicking ass and killing people. I've learned from Jack Bauer that you can kill a Russian delegate with a fire poker and feel no remorse if you want revenge so badly. Jack taught me how important freedom is and how other countries shouldn't be jealous of the USA, they should instead try to become similar to us. Jack Bauer is a true patriot. He helped saved America both in real life and on TV. For instance, since 24 first aired, there hasn't been a terrorist attack on US soil. Jack Bauer is a hero, and the end of 24 is a damn shame. This summer I'll be rewatching old seasons of 24 and start collecting Jack Bauer action figures just to have something to hold on to.

9. Convince Matt Rizzini to Take Me to the Red Sox/Dodgers Game- Honestly, this is a true test of friendship and I'm calling you out. You know the Dodgers are my NL team and have been for a while.

8. Get Breakfast at Jimothy's Tshirts Made- I realize I've been talking about this for a while now since the goal was to make tshirts when the blog hit 5,000 visitors. We're almost at 7,000 now and still no tshirt. I need a good logo idea for the tshirts. Honestly, if you have any good ideas, just leave a comment on this page. I am very serious about getting tshirts made and selling them, so if you have any ideas for a design just tell me. If your idea sucks then I'll probably just laugh in your face or make fun of you with an anti-shoutout. I'll even give a free tshirt to the person who gives me the best design.

7. Finish the Greatest Movie Ever- Last summer, my friends and I decided to make our own movie. We had been watching a ton of b-level movies from the 70's last summer, so we figured that these movies were so bad, why not make our own? It's not like we could do any worse. Right now, the script is near completion, and in case you were wondering everyone dies. Seriously, nothing says summer like filming a movie with friends where everyone dies somehow. It'll be a romantic comedy slasher film. I'd like to think of it as a lovechild birthed from I Know What You Did Last Summer, Pulp Fiction, and Love and Basketball. Needless to say, there will be blood, 80's love songs, and witty dialogue.

6. Defeat BrickBreaker- I'll be honest, I only wanted a Blackberry so that I can play BrickBreaker. I couldn't care less about it being a smartphone and BBMing and all that other crap. Only Brickbreaker. My goal is to beat the world record, which according to google is 5,678,910. My current high score is around 24,000. I just realize I have no shot at this whatsoever.

5. Convince a Total Stranger to Take Me Out on a Date- I mean why not? It'll be a challenge to get a girl I've never met before to take me out on a date, but why not give it a shot? If I'm successful it doesn't really matter how successful the date is, the bottom line is that I'll be getting dinner for free. If you have any girls you'd like to nominate for me to get them to take me out on a date (I think that makes sense), feel free to tell them about the contest. The first girl to take me out on a date will get a shoutout and a free tshirt later down the road. If we really hit it off and I marry the girl, then I will give whoever referred me to her the rights to name our first child, and more importantly, a shoutout. This will be an interesting contest which will most likely get me nowhere the more I think about it.

4. Start a Dog Search Team- Let me tell you about my dog Juneau. He's partiallyblind, diabetic and has a low thyroid problem. He's afraid of his own shadow and hasn't barked in about 3 years. He is one of the strangest and unsociable dogs ever. This past weekend, Jueanu escaped my house and ran like the dickens. Myself, Kyle "Get'Em" Towne and Ryan "Yeah" Sullivan caught the little buggar after chasing him through a field, numerous backyards and through a swamp. It may have taken us from 12:30-1:45 in the morning, but it was one of our most impressive feats. It's not easy catching a quick Siberian Husky in the dark while trespassing on peoples property with one flashlight and a few cell phones. This summer we will open our own business for people who lose their dogs. We shall call ourselves 'Team Pup N' Suds'. I thought of it myself and it has a nice ring to it. You lose them, we find them. We're like human lost and found boxes, only the lost are the dogs...and we make them found.

3. Summer Concerts- Ah yes. So many memories for so many people occur at summer concerts. I know since most of you who read this are my age, that you are probably saying "Oh man, can't wait to see you at Dave on Friday right Jim!?" False. I hate Dave Matthews. I'll be attending Taking Back Sunday in June and have a good time instead of seeing Dave Matthews look stoned and act cheery on Friday. Also, 311 and The Offspring are touring this summer, and The Offspring is just one of those bands that have been around forever and everybody likes. 311 is the only rap/rock group who I still have respect for these days (only because Limp Bizkit hasn't done anything since I was in the 6th grade). Basically, when we're older we can look back on our summer concerts. Our parents had Blue Oyster Cult, The Rolling Stones and David Bowie. We will have Lady GaGa, Lil Wayne and Paramore. Dammit our generation is screwed up.

2. Go to Chicago and Make Ferris Bueller Proud- Myself and the two Rizzini brothers are visiting Andrew "Danger" Chace in the city of wind. Since the greatest 80's movie of all time took place in Chicago, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be trying to reenact every scene. I can promise you that the 4 of us will at least take one picture of ourselves posing at the Chicago Institute of Art similar to this picture. My main focus when we see the Cubs play the White Sox is to catch a foul ball by any means necessary, and if by some miracle there is a parade in Chicago, no matter how big or small it is, I swear to you all that I will try my hardest to get on a float and reenact the twist and shout scene. I will also attempt to get into a French restaurant under a reservation for Abe Frohman "Sausage King of Chicago". God, I'm excited already. Bring on Chitown. And go Blackhawks.

1. Find A Way To Leave My Mark on Providence College- I have one very good idea in mind for me to become a legend at Providence College. You can't miss the easy way out by donating money to get a building named after you, like Feinstein, Phillips, St. Thomas Aquinas and McDermott all did, but I have a more meaningful way to always have a piece of me at PC--End Parietals. For you people who do not know, we at Providence College are not allowed to have members of the opposite sex in our rooms past a certain time (midnight Sun-Thurs and 2 am Fri-Sat). If we get caught we get written up and have to pay the school more money for no reason then we already should. Basically what I'm going to start doing this summer is raise money. I'm going to raise $5 million to donate to the school at some point in my life. The catch is, Providence College has to end parietals and they have to erect a statue of me, or else they won't get a cent. Now it is common knowledge that PC loves money more than anything, so they will be chomping at the bit for a $5 million donation. Do you really think they would keep parietals around if I told them to end it and hand over a hefty check? Doubtful. Then, because I would be the cause of death for parietals, the students should be so thankful that they build a monument to me. I'll save them the trouble and just ask the school to make a statue of me, preferably with my right eyebrow raised and looking thoughtful, with a plaque below me saying "James M. Kirwan- The Man Who Killed Parietals". I haven't figured out how I'm going to get $5 million, but this summer I'll find a way. Dear Providence College, You're Welcome.

Shoutouts shoutouts shoutouts. First of all to Haley Cook and Megan Quigley for convincing me at 1:30 this morning that this will be the greatest summer of all time. I couldn't agree more. Secondly, to Wade "Donald Trumpet" Zawatsky and Christen Cadigan for being my two favorite gingers ever. Lastly, please feel free to submit ideas for the tshirt. I'm serious about this and anything would be appreciated. Just leave a comment below.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What The Hell? Part II

Alright so if you remember back in January, some weirdo asked me a series of questions that sort of spooked me out. Because I can never turn down a fan(?), I answered the questions as best as I could. I'll admit I thought this was a one time thing. I was wrong. This person left this comment last night on the blog about Civ. Everything he/she said and asks will be in italics, and I will again answer these questions to the best of my ability.

Hello Jimothy, it is I again. I will be the first to tell you that you responded very well to my questions in the comment I posted back in January. I've decided it's been long enough so I'm giving you some more questions to tackle. I'm still going to remain anonymous just because it probably bothers you not knowing who it is. Shall we begin?

What color is your room painted?
Red, the same color as blood.

Have you ever called the number 867-5309 and ask for Jenny?
I have called it, unfortunately instead of Jenny I got GEM Plumbing. When I asked for Jenny they told me I wasn't funny and hung up.

If you could go back into any decade and have any job what would it be?
Good question, I'd go back to the 1960's and become an International Man of Mystery.

What are your thoughts on the fact that the PC basketball team likes to beat up their fans?
They were just taking out their frustrations on a guy because they realized they sucked and had no future in basketball. I'm not sure what would be more painful, getting my ass kicked by two basketball players or watching another season like they had last year.

If I’m looking for hot girls, where should I go on vacation this summer?
I've heard women in Chicago and Fairbanks, Alaska are lovely this time of year. St. Paul, Minnesota is another hot spot in the summer time. Just stay away from Orlando.

What are your thoughts on giving me a chance to write one blogpost for you?
Well, considering this is the second blog where I'm giving you all the attention by answering your questions, I'd say slim to none unless you want to count these as your one blogpost.

Would you rather be a penguin or a panda bear?
Penguin so I can play with Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar. I would also have an opportunity to bitch slap Sidney Crosby. I've always dreamed of being on a powerplay with Jordan Staal also.

Has anyone ever stolen your bike?
No, unfortunately, no one has ever stolen my bike.

Why don’t you have a Twitter?
I do have a Twitter. JimKirwan26. Why don't you do your research?

In your opinion, is there any hope that Pokemon will ever get back to being popular?
No. They ruined it when they started making new Pokemon. I do miss my grandfather calling Pokemon "PokeMAN" when it was popular though.

Are all of the obscene comments on the majority of your blogposts from the same person? And do you know who it is?
Yeah, I'm gonna say 97% of them are by Tom "Jean Jacket JOM" Silva. Mainly because he's told me that's he done most of them, and he really doesn't have anything better to do at UMASS Dartmouth.

What’s your real name?
James Louis Michael Kirwan III, but you can call me Junior.

I need a good book to read, any ideas?
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell was pretty entertaining. I also recently read "Go Dog Go" by Dr. Suess and "Your Dog Plays Hockey Charlie Brown?" by Charles M. Schultz. They are all pretty similar books, so I'd give any of those a shot. To kill time, I'd go with Where's Waldo?

If all cartoon character animals were to have a brawl, who would win?
What is wrong with you? I don't even want to answer this question, but I'll just go with the Carpet from Aladdin. I don't care if it's not an animal, it would win.

What time is it?
4:22, do you know where your children are?

Will there be a sequel to Titanic?
Yeah I read something that Jack Dawson actually didn't freeze to death and drown. I guess he's going to track down Rose in current time and reunite with her. They're also going to plot revenge against the iceberg and hire an assassin to melt it.

Last time I asked you to give me a good nickname and you came up with “Lefty”, that doesn’t work because I’m right handed, so can I have a new nickname?

Who is the most famous person to read your blog?
My grandmother read the blog. She got really upset that I told the world how awful the Christmas Shoes song is. She was so mad she called me a sack of sh!t on Mother's day! Other than my grandmother, I'd say Carson Daly or Megan Fox.

If you could vote for any 4 presidents, who would they be?
Woodrow "Big Woody" Wilson, David Palmer, Bill Clinton and Rutherford B. Hayes.

Why don’t you have a girlfriend?
Because I have a blog called Breakfast at Jimothy's.

If you could have any band play at your wedding, who would it be?
I'm the charming romantic type, so I'd go with Nirvana. If they're busy, I'll settle for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Hawthorne Heights, Eddie Money or Justin Timberlake.

Would you rather take another year of western civ or listen to the Christmas Shoes song on repeat for a full week, nonstop?
Neither, I'd rather slice my throat. Next question.

If you had to be a member of a mob or a tribe, what would it be?
I'd rather be a member of a posse or a conglomerate to be honest.

Has your blog ever gotten you anything for free?
Yes, compliments and admiration. Along with people telling me that they love the blog and find it funny. Besides that, nothing.

You’re in college, what is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
I'm a big fan of Kool-Aid.

What would you sell to see the Bruins win a Stanley Cup?
The naming rights to my first child, one of my livers, and a shoutout in the blog.

I hate you.
The feelings are so incredibly mutual you don't even know. By the way, that's not a question.

How many proms have you gone to?

What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one purchase?
I once bought myself a large buffalo chicken pizza from Golden Crust for like 14 bucks. I think that's it.

Are you a good dancer?
Actually yes. I'm not that bad of a dancer to be honest.

Will you be the godfather of my first child?

Should I stay away from Times Square due to recent bomb scares?
No you'll be fine. Just stay away from Madison Square Garden the day Lebron James signs with a team not called the Knicks.

What will you do if I reveal myself to you in person?
I ask myself the same question every day. I have no idea.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, I'll have a nice day. As for shoutouts go, thank you to Meg Fox and Jamie Sharot for being wonderful wingwomen for me, I owe you big time. Also, to Christina D'Angelo, Gilly Imse, Samantha and Olivia Lovegreen for convincing me to go out with them and stay an extra night Saturday night. If I forgot anyone I promised a shoutout to, I'm sorry, I'll get you next time just remind me. I'm still at a loss for words at the questions I just answered.

Forever yours,

Monday, April 26, 2010

DWC- Development of Who Cares?

I like Providence College. I really do. I love the majority of people I've met here, I love the amazing stories that I'll be able to tell my children about when they are over 18, and I love the fact that I live 10 minutes away from here so I still don't have to do my own laundry. One thing that I do not love about Providence College however, is the Development of Western Civilization class that all freshmen and sophomores are required to take. It's basically four semesters of trying not to shoot yourself out of pure boredom learning about stuff that will never be of use ever. Right about now you're probably asking yourself why I would blog about such a horribly boring thing, but you need to understand this: this is my last week of civ for the rest of my life. I'm taking civ head on through this blog just to piss off these shitheads like Karl Marx, the dude who wrote Gilgamesh, Victor Frankenstein, all members of the Third Reich, Dante and his lame Inferno, and that retard Beowulf. Screw that. I don't care about any of you.

I have spent 5 days a week for 4 semesters learning about stuff that will have zero impact in my life. I'm a psych major working on a business studies certificate, so when the hell am I ever going to need to remember if the French Revolution started on a Tuesday or a Thursday? Sure it might come in handy if I'm on Jeopardy! but that show sort of sucks. I mean there is still a very good chance that I won't do anything with Psychology nor business, but even then, I don't care about European Socialism. To quote Ferris Bueller "I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car." Instead of taking interesting courses that might come in handy, like Ballroom Dancing or Ebonics 101, I've wasted weeks of my life learning about the Theology of St. Thomas Aquinas. You know what's awesome about Aquinas? Nothing. I like Aquinas only because his name just so happens to be the name of the building I live in, and trust me, when I'm here in Aquinas hall, ol' Tommy Boy is never on my mind. I can honestly say that I haven't been excited about one thing in civ. Each time I walk into Moore Hall a bit of my soul is drained out of me and I start to feel weak and sometimes I even start to sweat. Remember in Harry Potter when the Death Eaters come and just like suck your soul and ruin your day? That's what civ does to me Monday through Friday at 1:30. Anyways, I'm going to make a rundown on civ and analyze each of the four components that we PC Friars learn through this great program.

Theology- Now I can understand learning about Christianity at a Catholic school, and I don't have a problem with that. It might be a little awkward if I were not Catholic but even still, I could put up with taking one theology class if it was mandatory. Learning about theology in civ however is painful, and then having to take two more theology classes is just a wee bit miserable and makes me contemplate suicide. I've had to learn about such wonderful things like how Leo XIII thinks, what Karl Barth thinks about God, who Simone Wiel is and why Hannah Arendt is an idiot. Never heard of these people? I wish I didn't either. Theology in civ is worse than watching paint dry or watching soap operas on Telemundo. In fact, I could probably understand soap operas on Telemundo more than listening to a lecture on Kiekergaard and how he hated Satan or whatever it was he had to say about anything. The point is, I don't care. Just watch, I'll be going to hell now for trashing Theology as a whole.

Philosophy- Here we go. Philosophy. Can't wait to impress girls at local establishments by reciting the thoughts of Immanuel Kant. That'll show 'em. Thanks civ. Seriously, all my life I've been told to think for yourself, be your own person, blah blah blah, so why the hell should I worry about what Marx thought about society or if John Locke agreed with Hobbes on anything. I prefer to have my own thoughts on the world, like pondering the fact if we are all going to die in 2012 like the Mayans say, or pondering what I'm going to have for dinner and who I should go with. My life philosophy is just more fun then these boring dead guys we're learning about. I actually do like my civ philosophy professor this semester, but unless I become a philosopher, I'm never going to need this stuff. It's not like I'll be tested on Friedrich Nietzche when I want to buy a Miller Lite 10 years from now or will have to discuss Levinas when I go to renew my license. The point is, I don't care.

Literature- What a waste of time. The books we read in civ are horrible. I appreciate Night by Elie Wiesel as a moving story, but it's just too depressing. Civ is depressing enough as it is, but having civ lectures on a depressing book about the holocaust just is asking for students to turn emo and contemplate the value of life. Reading Gilgamesh (supposedly like the first real story ever written down) was pathetic. That book was the first thing ever assigned to me in civ freshmen year, and I thought it was a joke. I don't care if it was written by a caveman, the plot sucked, the ending sucked and there were multiple uses of poor grammar. Instead of reading The Life and Times of Michael K, how about we just read The Life and Times of Ke$ha instead? It would make class so much better if we learned when she first brushed her teeth with a bottle of jack instead of learning about when Michael K first planted a goddamn pumpkin. If it were up to me, Tucker Max's I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell would be mandatory, just to show the world how not to act as humans. At least it would spice things up a bit. Even learning about Go, Dog, Go by Dr. Suess would have more of a connection to the devlopment of civilization then All Quiet on the Western Front. I almost feel that civ is just toying with us and it's like the ultimate test of how much we can withstand for boredom. Maybe after handling these boring civ books, we can handle anything in the real world.

History- History is history. No matter what, it will never change. When we learned about WWII a few months ago, I was so tempted to just ask if what happened in Inglourious Basterds was accurate, just to see if my professors had a social life and actually got a smirk out of them and they knew what I was talking about. My guess is they wouldn't. I like history, but of course in civ we learn about key things that lasted for years in the span on 50 minutes and then expected to know every little detail. So basically, civ ruins the only portion of civ I have the slightest interest in. Yep, makes sense to me too. History can be interesting, but once again, how will it benefit me in the future? I'm not going to meet my wife at a historical society convention thing am I? I hope not.

In a nutshell, civ has hampered my college experience. I will forever say how wonderful my time at Providence College was, but a black cloud will always be above that statement. Civ to Providence College is what steroids is to Barry Bonds. It just tarnishes anything. For those of you who do not attend Providence College, I apologize if you do not understand how bad it is, but honestly it just is. This blog has necessary and since it's the final week of civ, it needs to be said. Civ is miserable, it ruins the minds of young strapping youths in Providence, and it needs to be stopped. It's almost as bad as heroin. Maybe not, but you know what I mean.

As for shoutouts, happy belated birthday to the lovely Melissa Maggio, a very nice girl who I have the utmost respect for being a friend of Liz Wroblewski, which I know is not an easy thing to do. Liz, that is your shoutout. Also, a shoutout to Sara Squeglia for coming up with today's topic, it was perfect. Finally, one more shoutout to the loveliest girl I know from Fairfield, Maggie Nolin, who is one of the few girls I've met who is actually interesting and can actually make me laugh.

Forever yours,
Jim Kirwan