Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Italian Shore Pros and Cons

Big news was announced last week when the world found out that the fourth season of Jersey Shore will be taking place in Italy. Italy hasn't been hit this hard by anything since WWII. This is a very interesting strategy by MTV to pull this stunt and taint Europe. Like most things in life, this move has its pros and cons. So what better place to learn about them than this blog? Let’s begin.

Italy Instead of Jersey

Pro: The cast will not be chased around by common, everyday boring sleazebags who grace the Jersey Shore each summer and now try to get on TV. The first season of Jersey Shore was and will probably always be the best one because at the time of filming, they were nobodies and actually seemed normal in a weird way. Now that they will be in Italy, less people will know who they are, so they can go about their partying ways and fist pumping without scumbags riding their coattails and causing problems with Sammi Sweetheart just to get some face time on MTV for 16 seconds.
Con: The state of New Jersey will see their tourism absolutely dwindle. The only thing besides Jersey Shore that New Jersey can kinda be proud of is the New Jersey Devils, and even they suck this year. With Jersey Shore being in Italy, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to visit Jersey. Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen must’ve been pissed when they found out NJ lost The Situation and Pauly D, since they were able to take the Jersey spotlight off of them for a year or so. Also a con: Angelina is still in the US.

Cultures Clashing

Pro: It would be sort of nice to see Italy be corrupted by these Guidos. Can Italy really be proud of its people who immigrated to the states, and see these idiots become the next generation? America likes to one-up other countries, so it is more than likely that Italy will be disgusted with what they are being sent. Sending Ronnie and Sam’s fights overseas is pretty much a big, huge, Cee-Lo Greene sized “fuck you” to Italy. I really don’t know much about European style and whatnot, mostly cause I couldn’t careless, but if stuff like fist pumping and GTL isn’t big over there, it soon will be. Anything to knock Italy down a few pegs by increasing stupid terminology and idiotic dance moves. Mussolini will be spinning in his grave once The Situation takes his first few steps on Italian soil.

Con: I feel like America in a way is getting the short end of the stick here. We’re sending Americans overseas to pollute their culture, so couldn’t they do the same and bring good pasta? I think we should have made a trade with Italy. Might as well get something in return for Pauly D’s dj skillz, JWOWW’s breasts, and Vinny just being Vinny , right? I’m sure we could have made a deal for something cool that America could have used. They should just give us AC Milan or something. I feel like we can do better. After all, we are America dammit.

The Possibilities

Pro: I’m sure everyone is concerned about JWOWW and whatever her crazy, pansy, juicehead gorilla guido boyfriend is named, but think about this: It’s not considered cheating if it’s not in the same area code! No matter what, JWOWW is in the clear if she wants to hook up with someone. She’s been relatively quiet on the hookup-front ever since the Great Pauly D Incident of 2009 occurred. She needs to get out there. We all know she hates her boyfriend but can’t leave them for some reason the world will never figure out, but now that she’s overseas, she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, and she can’t get in trouble for it, which means they won’t have to argue over the phone constantly and MTV can’t show them on the phone bitching and moaning for 15 minutes every episode. Also, MVP has a whole new gaggle of girls to conquer in Europe who don’t know that they are complete douchebags who are parading around town just trying to get laid. They’re clueless over there and won’t know any better.

Con: Just a guess here, but I feel that MTV is going to exploit and show Snooki struggling with speaking and reading Italian way too much on air. This will be brutal for all the viewers. We already know she’s semi-retarded, so we already know she won’t be able to speak any Italian other than the words ‘lasagna’ and ‘alfredo’. This will be extremely frustrating for viewers and could lose ratings. Also, Europe is kinda sketchy with some things, as we see in movies like Taken or Hostel, so it might get weird. I’m nervous for the sake of some creeps stealing Snooki and making her a sex slave, or giving Ronnie some knockoff supplements that will result in his untimely death. Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad now that I think about it.

The Future of Jersey Shore

Pro: It seems that MTV is realizing that the show might be starting to get stale, so moving them to Italy is a good move in my eyes to give it a fresh look. This show has given this cast the longest 15 minutes of fame ever. This 15 minutes of fame ranks up there with the likes of Monica Lewinsky, Ashlee Simpson, William Hyung, Macauly Culkin, and Antoine Dodson. I say let it continue. If this Italian voyage means season 5 of Jersey Shore, which I’m assuming would bring it back to Seaside Heights, then it will be a success. Jersey Shore might be one of the most puzzling shows ever on television, since everyone considers it dumb and can’t figure out why these cast members have gotten so famous and rich for doing what they do (nothing), yet we all still watch it. Somehow, it is entertaining to see how stupid people live. Oh well, I’ll take it over that Teen Mom bullshit anyday.

Con: More likely than not, we will all be watching this season of Italian Jersey Shore, meaning season 5 will take place. This means there will be two more seasons for stupid quotes and topics like GTL and cabs being here will become famous. Dammit MTV. You win again.
Shoutouts: It’s been a while since I’ve given shoutouts on the blog. One goes to Emily Geron since she asked me for one at lunch last week. For the hotly debated twitter contest, the lovely Kim Thomas came out on top after correctly guessing that my Mom almost named me Dennis. Runner ups for this contest were Jennifer Wood (Dangerfield and Delonte), Sierra Sant’Anna (Desmond), Eric Towne (Darnell) and Chris Rizzini (Dimitrus). As for the heated facebook contest for a shoutout, the winner was Nicole Russo, because she is, in fact, a Brah. These twitter and facebook contests were sorta fun, so there will be more in the future.

Eternally yours,

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Breaking News.

Chad Ochocinco is changing his name back to Chad Johnson. You heard it here first from myself and Ryan Urk.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Purple Reign

Greetings from Providence friends. There's a lot of talk about some giant snowstorm on Wednesday and it's like -10 right now, so pretty much it's going to turn into that movie The Day After Tomorrow here, so this may be the last blogpost of all time. Moving on, if you all remember back to a few months ago, I along with my teammates became the first ever Providence College Quidditch champions. Obviously I was excited and was incredibly pumped to receive my championship t-shirt, which may be the most prized possession here at PC besides the legacy left behind by Ryan Gomes like 5 years ago. Anyways, we received the t-shirts today, and as I came from my Psych Lab today I was somewhat disappointed to find that they were a nice shade of purple. I just wasn't as thrilled as I thought I would be to receive my shirt, and it is definitely because the shirt is purple. Don't get me wrong, the memories of winning will never leave my mind, and my numbers as the greatest chaser in school history can speak for themselves, but I feel slighted. This leads to the question that I am posing: is purple alright?

After discussing this with my fellow teammates, "Flyin'" Ryan Urkiel said that he played Quidditch for the sake of the sport, which I had to call him out on. The majority of us did it just to win an easy t-shirt, since there was no way we were going to be see by about a hundred people running around with broomsticks between our legs playing a magical sport just for the fun of it. I don't mean to bash the sport and all, I just sorta wish they gave us a cooler color. A nice red or robin's egg blue would've been sufficient, but instead I have to look like Barney the Dinosaur in this thing. My roommate and beater Sean "Blondie" Mottola is alright with the purple, because he's a cool snowboarder, wears clothing by companies like NEFF and is the only person I know to shop at Zumiez at the Providence Place Mall, but the rest of us are just not as comfortable with the color.

Purple is just odd. When I think purple, I think of grapes, Prince, and Grimace, all of which kinda suck. It just isn't flattering on me. I look good in many things, like red tshirts, jeans, and tuxedos, but I never was one to embrace purple. I always found it to be more of a girly color, a goth color, or just way too obnoxious to look at. I'm pretty positive that when I was in middle school, no guy would ever wear purple because if he did he would either get the snot kicked out of him or he would be made fun of until tears were dropping on the ground from said preteen's tearducts. I always liked to not get picked on, so my wardrobe has never featured much purple, so having this tshirt is just kind of freaking me out. It's almost like receiving a crappy Christmas gift. You know you have to thank the person who gave it to you and pretend you're excited to receive it, but deep down you're swearing to yourself and asking what you can possibly do with this gift.

The main point here I'm trying to make is that it foils my plan. These shirts are intended to help guys pick up chicks because having one means you kicked ass at some sport. Since all the tshirts are the same besides color, you can get away with saying you won for a different sport than you really did win if you wanted to. In the back of my mind, I was planning to lie and say I was a dodgeball champion the moment I signed up to play. This of course was with the thought that I would get a primary color tshirt. Even plain white, gray or green would have worked. I would rather have yellow or orange than purple. It's a travesty to have this purple shirt in my eyes, because it foils my plan. Obviously the purple t-shirt is associated with the magical sport. I should've known we'd end up getting screwed with the shirt color. This only proves that Quidditch still doesn't get the respect it deserves. How can I pick up any girls with my championship tshirt if it's purple, then have to come clean and admit I won it for Quidditch? It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging about it, but more people haven't read this blog than people who have, so I guess I still had a shot if it were not for my tshirt being purple.

Anywho, I'm freezing here. It was something like -46 here today in Providence. I'm willing to give a shoutout in the next blog to anyone who leaves a comment that can warm me up. I highly doubt it's possible at this point in the game, but give it your best shot.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Bfast @ Jimothy's 2010 Man of the Year Award

Greetings friends. I realize I haven't blogged in a while, mostly cause I haven't felt up to it, and I've been having creative differences with my staff. Anyways, after talking to my closest asset to the blog Danny Allen, I have decided to update the blog more often, just with shorter posts. We'll see how that works out. Anyways, onto the 1st annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Man of the Year award.

This award has strict criteria that is analyzed for a long period of time, so that the recipient is truly deserving of the award. Therefore, this year's winner is the one, the only, Bruce "Thank You O.J. Simpson for Giving My New Family Money After Killing Your Wife" Jenner. Bruce Jenner (hopefully most of you know this) is the happy go-lucky, awful hair wearing husband of Kris Kardashian, and the step father to Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian. Also, it has just been discovered that he has some Olympic gold medals or something like that. The reason for Bruce Jenner getting the nod for this award is simply that he is living the life of most men: marrying into a rich family and never having to do anything ever again.

Let's look into the average day for Mr. Jenner. He wakes up, has breakfast, plays with his model toy airplanes, has lunch, probably takes a nap, he might work out, has dinner and then goes to bed, all while being filmed. On Keeping Up With the Kardashians, all he does is average stuff. You know, he might help change a lightbulb at one of those stupid Dash stores, and he has great one liners all throughout the show. Sure, it might suck that he has to constantly be around Miss Piggy, I mean Kourtney Kardashian, but now he even gets to hang out with Lamar Odom. This guarantees him Lakers tickets whenever he wants, and he gets to hang out with a URI alum (sort of, I guess). Sure, it might also suck that all his money goes to his wife Kris, since she's a controlling freak and made of pure evil, but at least he doesn't have to worry about paying any bills. No matter what Bruce does he doesn't have to worry about anything. Myself and my roommates this past year might have watched Keeping Up With the Kardashians more than any other show on television (Man Vs. Food and Californication being the only shows remotely close to it), and most people may be confused as to why, but if you ask Myself, Gaynor, Urk, Sean or Matt, I'm pretty confident the reason any of us would give to support our watching the show is Bruce Jenner. Men should take notes and strive to have the life that Bruce Jenner does. If I can make my golden years consisting of one-liners, having bad hair days seven days a week, and becoming rich by getting filmed doing nothing, I'd be pretty happy.

Bruce also has to be appreciated for putting his foot down and sticking up for himself against Kris Kardashian. That woman would have tea with Satan if she felt she could lock up a business deal for Kim if she could. Bruce repeatedly stood up for himself if he didn't want to do something, but he knew his limits. When Kris demanded his presence in New York for the 4th of July to party with Miles Austin and Lamar Odom on a Cruise, he said he would rather be patriotic in his own way, which consisted of getting his ears pierced and a haircut with his stepson Rob, not to mention going to the club with him. Bruce also repeatedly told Kris that he didn't want to go out like a teenager to clubs and would rather be in bed by 9 o'clock on a Saturday night, just because he wants to. Although it sounds lame, you have to respect the man for finding ways to get his own way. So Bruce, I salute you for that. Okay, now I'm out of examples of Bruce sticking up for himself, but having those two examples against Kris Kardashian is good enough for any man.

Now this award isn't just because Bruce is living the good life, but also because he is a leader and a mentor. There are rumors that he also moonlights as a motivational speaker (I'd be one too if I were living his life) but he also mentors that douchebag Scott Disick. Scott is like Bruce in the sense that he wants to marry rich into the Kardashian family, but he is just the drunk clubrat baby daddy that no one likes. As much as Bruce seems to hate him, he bites the bullet for the sake of mankind and attempts to mentor him by taking him go-kart riding and doing stuff that only rich people can do together. It may not be working just yet, but one episode saw Scott thank Bruce by giving him a custom made suit, so it wasn't totally a waste. It takes a bold man to help mentor one of America's biggest pricks, and even if it wasn't successful, at least he got a new suit out of it.
It is safe to say that in 2010, Bruce Jenner gave hope to men who have gotten plastic surgery. He has given hope to men with awful, horrible hair. He inspired millions to live his life. He made toy airplanes cool. He once posed for PlayGirl Magazine. He gives hope to all men to marry rich and live comfortably, even if your wife controls all your funds.