Friday, July 8, 2011


I'll be honest I haven't had any good topics to write about for the past month, which explains the lack of blogging recently. A lot has happened since the last post, the Bruins won the Stanley Cup and I turned 21. It feels like more has happened but I guess not. Anywho, I tried thinking of a clever way to explain the feelings of turning 21, but then it hit me to just do a timeline of all the important events that have occurred in my life from July 4th, 1990 through July 4th, 2011. Let's begin.

July 4th 1990- A young James M. Kirwan is born in Providence, Rhode Island. Fireworks are set off in his honor. No child this important has been born since Daniel Radcliffe. Joy ensues.

September, 1990- The first McDonald's opens up in Moscow. Russians have coincidentally been getting pudgier ever since.

1991- Did anything exciting happen at all in 1991? The Red Hot Chili Peppers release 'Blood Sugar Sex Magik'.

October 22nd, 1992- My sister is born. I grin and bear it, although I'm pissed I'm no longer the only child.

May 5th, 1993- I debut my jeans and band t-shirt outfit. I haven't changed since.

April 5th, 1994- Kurt Cobain kills himself and Grunge music in one click of a gun. It is ruled a homicide-suicide. People are stunned even though he tried killing himself once before and wrote a song entitled 'I Hate Myself and Want To Die'.

May 12th, 1994- Weezer releases The Blue Album. This makes anyone reading this feel very old. Sweaters and Buddy Holly start making a comeback.

October 3rd, 1995- O.J. Simpson is found not guilty. I grow weary of white Broncos. Also, a young Casey Anthony realizes that is indeed possible to get away with murder.

September, 1996- I meet Tyler Blatchley and Chuck Wescott. The world is never the same. Also, myself and Taylor Cotter ride the bus together, creating a wonderful, brilliant friendship.

November 15th, 1996- Space Jam is released in theaters. Every child born in the late 80's and early 90's childhoods are complete.

January 17th, 1997- I beat Kevin down Cherry Hill.

December 22nd, 1998- I'm mistakingly left home alone while my family goes on vacation to Paris. I had to fend for myself and protect my house from two robbers named Harry and Marv. I end up getting them arrested after setting up numerous traps around the house. I also ruined my brother Buzz's room. He was not pleased upon his return home.

December 3rd, 1999- My 4th grade teacher tells me I have no future in writing. Shame on her.

January 1st, 2000- Everyone is let down that nothing happens at midnight. The Y2K bug is a fraud.

September 2001- I start 6th grade at Martin Middle School. Horrible fashion and terrible hair dye occurs. Much of this time has been blocked out from memory and for good reason.

December 1st, 2002- I realize Santa isn't real. Depression starts.

March 2003- I come to my senses and start growing my hair out. Girls approve, middle school guys make fun at first but then all follow suit over the next few months. The lady who cut my hair is somewhat disappointed.

May 2004- I attend the Bay View 8th grade semi-formal dance with Kelly Mitchell. There has not been a more handsome couple to attend ever since. All my middle school friends are jealous.

October 10th, 2004- I meet Matt Rizzini at Chelsea Medeiros' birthday party. Life has been downhill ever since.

October 27th, 2004- Boston Red Sox finally win the world series. Life is complete for many New Englanders.

November 30th, 2005- Some lonely guy gets the first ever face transplant in France. There is nothing else exciting to take place in 2005.

May 9th, 2006- The Red Hot Chili Peppers release Stadium Arcadium. My high school ipod is never the same.

February 17th, 2007- Britney Spears shaves her head. We all laugh. Shockingly, the bald head for women trend does not take off.

October 22nd, 2008- Dan Allen gets poked with an umbrella at cross country practice after saying 'track workout!?'. Jokes are no longer allowed at practice.

August 29th, 2008- I move into McDermott, 2nd floor on my first day at Providence College. I meet friends I still have now, including Sean Mottola.

August 30th, 2008- I realize Sean Mottola is a creep.

June 25th, 2009- Michael Jackson dies. Unlike Michael, jokes about him live on forever.

September, 2009- After getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I tell my mother during the car ride home that Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield is "the greatest fucking song of all fucking time" when it comes on the radio, while in a dazed state of mind.

November 27th, 2009- The Tiger Woods incident happens. The world finds out just how much a bro he really is.

November 27th, 2009- We also find out to not mess with Elin Woods when she is holding a 9 iron. She doesn't miss.

May 24th, 2010- The final episode of 24 airs on TV. Ryan Urkiel, Steve Sheridan, Frank Gassert and myself are never the same. Tears and hugs ensue.

July 8th, 2010- LeBron James tells the world he is taking his talents and past NBA Championships to South Beach on national TV. From that day on, the word douchebag has been getting used more and more to describe people, mainly LeBron.

June 11th, 2011- Catherine Zuffoletti adds me on facebook. The future starts looking bright for me.

June 15th, 2011- The Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup. My life is completed. Marriage and children are the only things left in life I have to look forward to.

June 23rd, 2011- The Celtics select Providence College's own Marshon Brooks to be their draft pick. Myself and Matt Gaynor open our third floor window and start writing suicide notes to our friends and family.

June 23rd, 2011- The Celtics trade Marshon Brooks to the New Jersey Nets. Myself and Gaynor rejoice in happiness and close the window.

July 3rd, 2011- Liz Wroblewski ice's me.

July 4th, 2011- I turn 21. I finally find out what beer tastes like. This day also marks the first time I have ever broken a Spongebob Squarepants pinata.