Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Satan Strikes Back

Just as everybody was getting over that terrible cold-in-song-form that just wouldn't go away entitled "Friday", Rebecca Black has returned with a new single called Person of Interest. Person of Interest eh? The person who I'm interested in right now is whoever gave the greenlight for Ms. Black to get another single. Shockingly, this song sucks. How can Rebecca Black do this to herself? Didn't she learn her lesson that she might not have the greatest voice, even with the help of technology and digital enhancement these days? Didn't she go through enough problems and hatred with the aftermath of Friday? Wouldn't she think if she got a second chance, to make a good song before releasing it? Have America's education systems failed us where Rebecca Black has to sing (kind of ) such simplistic lines as "When I talk, you listen, I like that/ When you listen, you smile and I like that/ Why you lookin', lookin', at me just like that?/ I like that, I like that,". Rebecca Black might be the reason other countries in the world hate us. Its people like her, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton that make people wonder where they went so wrong in life in a world where these idiots are famous.

Time to break down the music video itself. Right off the bat, Rebecca Black is Godawful at skee ball. I mean granted I guess after all the bullying and teasing she went through, Rebecca Black probably hasn't been hitting up the local arcades and boardwalks as much as she used to. Next up is the Justin Bieber lookalike in the hollister shirt. Is he shorter than Rebecca? Also, dude, you aren't looking too badass by doing the 'dirt off your shoulder' move as evidenced at the 39 second mark. It's not 2003 anymore. Oh, and really Bieber, you get all those tickets and the best thing you get your girl is a half chocolate-half strawberry colored teddy bear? Sure, arcade prizes aren't great, but chocolate and strawberry? Everyone likes vanilla and chocolate the most out of the 3 Neopolitan ice cream flavors.

I'd also like to point out at the 1:52 point how typical girls are post-picture taking. The face that Rebecca Black makes is something us guys have seen numerous times over the years. You know what I'm talking about, take a picture, the girls look at it and immediately say how gross they look and need to take another three pictures of the same shot. Get over it. You don't look any different from 18 seconds ago. Also in regard to the photobooth part, the Bieber lookalike did do a nice job photobombing that booth at the 1:49 mark, even if he does look like a lesbian with that haircut.

I would also like to point out that Rebecca Black seems to be wasting the time of a police officer all throughout this video. If you get in trouble for prank calling 911, shouldn't you get in trouble talking to a cop about a missing person who really isn't missing, as evidenced at the end of the video where Becky Black and Biebz walk away together after the cop drew that lovely caricature of the two of them, even without knowing what the guy looked like. By the way, isn't it a bit over the top for police to use crime scene tape at an arcade over a 14 year old who got separated from a girl? Lord knows at 14 I was avoiding some girls who were looking for me at the Seekonk Grand Prix back in the day.

Now on to the go-kart portion of the video. Unlike in the "Friday" video, go-karts are an actual form of automobile legal for a 14 year old to drive, which is a nice change on her part. Also, girl at the 2:11 mark, I see you rocking out with your makeshift mini-golf putter-guitar. How long did these girls spend at the this arcade place? I got bored at these places after a few hours, and these kids are still playing mini golf well into the black of the night. Thanks for making me cringe due to the corniness you displayed with that. It's also nice that Gwen Stefani's Harajuku Girls came out of retirement to let Rebecca Black get on stage to let her rock out with them. That's a good career move. Love Angel Music Baby indeed. Needless to say, Rebecca Black has done it again and made the world a more gray and depressing place to live.

On a final note, I've decided to bring back the Catholic School Girls Rock Experiment, but this time I need non-Rhode Island school girls. Therefore, if you went to a Catholic All-Girls school and if you think you're interesting and funny, let me know via facebook, twitter, myspace (just kidding, sort of, yeah I am) or in the comment section below. Like last time, it'll be a survey for you to fill out and hopefully get creative with. Lastly, thank you to Maggie Nolin, Fairfield's Finest, for giving me the heads up about this gem of a song.

Try not to get Person of Interest stuck in your head.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Finding Out True Love is Blind: The Rise and Fall of HumpDash

This was indeed a sad week for love. The world now has even more of a reason to hate Kim Kardashian, which is pretty amazing in itself. Truth be told, I would've loved to blog about this topic, but I'm just way too busy this week to do so. Luckily for myself, and more importantly, you the reader, dear friend Danny Allen was on the case to write about this fiasco of a relationship. Enjoy it. There is no one else I would trust with this blog besides Danny. - Jimothy

The most ghoulish news of Halloween 2011 was the reports that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from above-average NBA Rebounder, Kris Humphries. Although their matrimony only lasted 72 days and their wedding allowed the couple to make $18 million. I, for one, was just as broken up as when Adam LaRoche was traded away after just six games at Fenway.

For those of you lucky enough to be living under a rock and don’t know the main players of HumpDash, allow me to provide you with some background:

Kris Humphries was a highly touted high school basketball player who enrolled at the University of Minnesota and dominated there for a year. He chose Minnesota when Kansas players begged their legendary coach to stop recruiting him because he came off as such a dickhead on his recruiting visit. Much like ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom at THE University of Rhode Island, Humphries’ teammates didn’t like him and the Minnesota program was also better off when he was gone. Also, he was the second best youth swimmer behind twice-convicted drunk driver and Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps. Humphries floundered in the NBA for a few years before becoming the tallest midget on this year’s New Jersey Nets team.

Kim Kardashian’s family made their money when her biological father was part of the legal dream team that helped OJ Simpson remain free so that he could find that real killer. Kardashian’s father has since passed away and her mother is now married to Olympic hero, Bruce Jenner. Kim rose to fame by appearing in a music video with the brother of R&B goddess, Brandy. The film was titled Kim Kardashian: Superstar; Ray J didn’t see the single on any of the Billboard charts though, most likely because it focused more on him having sex with Kim and only making inaudible groans.

Kim Kardashian was able to parlay her public debut in the music industry (get it?) into an artistically fulfilling reality TV career. Highlights of her career include Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Along the way, she has been linked to almost URI alum, Miles Austin and fantasy football enigma, Reggie Bush. Surprisingly, neither man was worth Kim’s undivided, doting attention as a loving, conservative housewife. Kim also was married to a music producer for a few years in her late teens or something.

Kim and Kris met when Kim’s handlers put out feelers to NBA teams in big media markets as a way to set up Kim on a blind date. Kim’s first choice, il Gallo, spurned her. In retaliation, the Knicks shipped Danilo Gallinari to Denver with the hopes that he toils away to obscurity in Colorado. After all other options were exhausted, Kris Humphries bit and a most magical romance ensued. Tabloids had pictures of the two lovebirds frolicking on an exotic beach with Kim in an elegant bikini and Kris in cargo shorts. Lust turned to like and like turned to love, as the couple was married on August 20, 2011.

Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are different, yes, but they are also alike. For instance, both rose to fame by sucking on camera surrounded by black guys, but they are different in that Kris Humphries’ sucking was more in the figurative sense. On the surface, they were perfect; each accepted the other’s faults. For Kim, it must have been difficult for her to watch her boyfriend get beat on the defensive end, only to watch him miss free throws and open jump shots on the other end of the court.

For Kris, it must have been difficult to watch Kim’s promising career be built on a foundation of legalized whoredom. It must have been difficult to watch her be linked to famous athletes. It must have been difficult for him to tolerate her reality shows and pretend that they were good. It must have been difficult to go out in public with Skechers on. It must have been difficult to answer if specific outfits made her butt look big.

But these difficulties are the spice of life! I thought that Kris and Kim had a special bond that would be able to overcome the shallow, materialistic, exploitive personas that the media portrays them (her) as having. I thought that the tweets of encouragement that everyone was sending would be read and taken to heart by Kim. I thought the NBA lockout would allow them to start a family and allow them to grow as people the way Scott and Kourtney have.

As the leaves turn and begin to fall and fall gives way to winter, I grow a little sad inside. The holidays are time for family and four seasons ago when Keeping Up With the Kardashians debuted on E!, they became apart of my family. So what if they’re the part of my family that I never want to talk about? Family is family and yesterday, my family got a little bit smaller. I hate to say it, but the future looks bleak. The sun doesn’t shine as bright and we found out that HumpDash went the way of Bennifer.

So this weekend, take some time to reflect about this tragic news and temper your expectations. Because if Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian weren’t meant to be, then how can any of us be happy? Sure they’ll go their separate ways - Kris will get overpaid by a mediocre NBA team and Kim will do whatever it is she does for money, but will they be happy? Signature perfume lines and getting good position on the low block can only go so far, because as ancient philosopher Sophocles once said, “One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Why Fainting Is Too Mainstream- An Essay

Today was an odd day for me. Tuesdays normally suck because I have four classes which shouldn't even be allowed for seniors, and I had a test in Meteorology that allowed me no sleep last night (who cares about weather anyways? If it rains it rains, who cares). Anyways, when I came home from class, I dropped my backpack off in my room and then the next thing I knew, I woke up on my floor with my head pounding, probably cause it bounced off my floor or something like that. Needless to say I was a bit spooked. I woke up and figured that either I had A. Hit rock bottom, 2. already flashed forward to most of my mornings on spring break this March or C. fainted. I guess I fainted. Anywho, what confused me is why? I have never fainted before, and besides feeling tired I was perfectly fine before it happened.

Like most things that happen in my life, I decided to tweet about it, and I got a few responses to it. Jennifer Wood graciously called me a pussy, Danny Allen commented "@JimKirwan26 I was pretty surprised that the Raiders traded those picks for Palmer too, but come on!", Chris Rizzini tweeted something about meeting some guy named Jim Kerwin (still not sure what that had to do with fainting, but thanks Chris), and the lovely Kaitlin 'the greatest catholic school girl ever' Parella tweeted 'what happened!? did you see a ghost? Was your corset too tight?..did you get proposed to!?' which sparked a great idea to me: find out what the hell made me faint. Before I begin, I would love to thank Kelli Kinkella and Sarah 'McMuffin' McParty for showing me concern and the utmost love with their texts and phone calls to ensure my safety. Now onto why I fainted:

  • My corset was, indeed, too tight.

  • I saw one of the mice that have started to invade the bottom shelf of our pantry /-:

  • Someone said Pee Wee Herman's magic word of the day.

  • A scorned former sweetheart of mine finally got her voodoo doll of me to work.

  • All those years of doing heroin, crack and snorting glue finally are starting to catch up to me

  • The heavy workload of senior year is making me crack

  • I didn't get enough sleep last night.

  • I got knocked out by a robber just like McLovin' in Superbad when he's buying alcohol with his fake ID

  • Someone on the opposing kickball team put something in my drink and tried to sabotage team Neighbz tonight (jokes on you losers, still couldn't get that W away from us)

  • Too much stress of the Bruins losing games. I'm just not used to it yet.

  • The fact that I haven't left New England in a very, very long time is slowly driving me insane

  • The scent of my new deordorant is too overwhelming (what exactly does Fiji smell like, Old Spice?)

  • I've spent so much time trying to find Waldo and Carmen San Diego to no avail that it's finally starting to catch up to me.

  • The Men in Black erased my memory with that clicker thing they always use

  • I thought of Justin Bieber

  • My brain gave up trying to figure out girls and what they want, and what they really mean when they say things and why they're evil

  • This whole Occupy Wall street has gotten too mainstream and has started Occupying My Brain because it's so pointless

  • All the blood rushed to one side of my head because my house is tilted so much to one side.

  • Someone outside my window said something about Coldplay and Kings of Leon being the two best bands of all time.

  • I miss my Mom /-:

  • God was telling me that I should keep my hair short instead of bringing back the flow.

  • I heard someone say 'Kardashian'

  • I forgot how to stand up straight.

  • Slipped on a strategically placed banana peel

  • It hit me how terrible of a movie A Walk To Remember is (spoiler alert: she dies.)

  • Still in a state of shock that they haven't made a sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off yet.

  • I just want to be held by someone /-:

  • It was Inception

  • Colonel Mustard, in Jim's room, with the lead pipe.

Anyways, I don't recommend fainting. It's really overrated and kind of sucks. Once again, big shoutout to Katie Parella for the blog topic. Finally, gotta give some shoutouts to my kickball team The Neighbz: Kelli 'The Cinema' Kinkella, Sarah 'Gimme-The-Booze' McParty, Meg 'Captain Clutch' Murphy, Ali 'MVP' Brussard, Rebecca "Keno" Mazur, Emmy 'The Speed Demon' Finneran, Lauren 'The Windmill' Mills, Matt 'Startin' Trouble' Dennison, Matt 'Big Head' Rizzini, Matt 'I Can't Believe There Are 3 Matts On This Team' Gaynor, ....and Sean Mottola.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Leather, Rinse, Repeat

I've had terrible experiences with jackets in my lifetime. Back in my freshmen year of high school, my Mom bought me this glaring white Nike ski jacket that could blind a man if he looked at it the wrong way. I wasn't too opposed to it until I got on the bus and some ghetto chick wearing a BabyPhat hoodie who probably didn't make it to college started calling me Vanilla Ice. Of course, I never wore it again. Then I my senior year of high school, I got this very same exact Levis corduroy jacket: which was really warm and cozy, but got me made fun of again when I made it to college because of a certain gay cowboy movie starring Heath Ledger entitled 'Brokeback Mountain'. So soon enough, all my new freshmen year college friends (and unfortunately my current senior year roommates) all started calling me Brokeback Mountain each time I wore this to brace the cold weather. Eventually I grew tired of this and decided to follow the trend two years ago by purchasing a Pea Coat, which again was very warm and looked nice and all that jazz, but tragedy struck again. For some reason, I still don't know why, Ryan Urkiel said that everytime I wore that coat, he said I looked like the 4th Jonas Brother. Great. Just what I wanted to hear, Jim Jonas. Purity rings. Disney channel music. No thanks. I endured two winters of that jacket and the Jonas brothers until I realized it was time to get a new jacket. Fast forward to a month ago, I'm shopping in Urban Outfitters (insert hipster-inspired joke here), and lay my eyes on this leather jacket. I don't know why, but I just had to have it. It was like a quarter-life crisis where I felt the need to buy this thing, granted it was on sale. Anywho, I can already tell I'll be getting jokes about The Fonz, so I've decided to beat people to the punch and post my top 10 list of best leather jacket wearers:

10. Indiana Jones- Yes he might be more famous for wearing a satchel, but Indy managed to kick ass, find random stuff, be afraid of snakes and raid tombs all while wearing a leather jacket. I don't know what makes him more badass, the leather jacket, or the fact that he's named after a really boring state.

9. James Dean- Yeah he might of died really young from speeding and only made 3 movies in his life, but the man looked damn good in a leather jacket. I guess if you're going to be a rebel without a cause, step one is to look like you can pull of a leather jacket.

8. Michael Jackson- Okay, this isn't really helping my case too much here, but who didn't love the music video for Thriller?

7. Julian Casablancas/The Strokes- The masterminds who gave us 'Last Nite', 'Reptilia', 'Someday', '12:51' and 'Whatever Happend?' have always been one of those band who has looked the part of rockstars who don't really care about anything, and leather jackets have been part of their look for quite sometime. Singer Julian Casablancas has pretty much substituted his skin for a leather jacket 24/7 these days.

6. Bradley Cooper- I mean just look at him. If I could trade places with any celebrity in the world right now, it would definitely be Bradley Cooper. Just look at him!

5. P. Diddy/Diddy/Puff Daddy/Puffy/Sean Combs- I'd like to say I have a lot in common with Puff Daddy, but I actually don't. However, I can now say that we both own leather jackets. By the way, when is the last time Diddy made a good song? Yeah, I don't know either.

4. Danny Zuko- Danny Zuko is kind of an enigma. Can you really call him a badass? It's debatable. He looked the part, but c'mon, singing everywhere you go about falling in love with Olivia Newton-John? I mean everyone knows about those summer nights, and grease lightning sounds like a great name for an early 80's heavey metal band, but I'm going to call a bluff on Danny Zuko's toughness. Jacketwise he kind of kicks ass, but I have to deduct points for the whole singing thing, so Mr. Zuko has to drop to #4.

3. Roger Klotz- That's right. The Bluffsburg bully from Doug with the orange hair and green skin. What was up with Dough anyways? How did the kid with the green skin get to make fun of everyone when he was clearly an outcast? Oh wait. That's right. Roger Klotz had a secret weapon: a leather jacket.

2. The Ramones- It was tough putting these guys at number 2 instead of 1, but they just have to settle here. There was no band quite like them. All their songs sounded the same and were always about 2 minutes and a few seconds long. They were a bunch of degenerates from New York with fake names, but more importantly leather jackets. I'd pay good money to see Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee and Tommy prance around CBGB's wearing leather jackets, but that'll be kind of hard considering three of them are already dead.

1. The Fonz- Really, has anyone ever been more associated with a leather jacket than the Fonz? The guy made Happy Days watchable. He had the hair, the looks, the ability to work a jukebox but just pounding on it, but most importantly, he had a sharp looking jacket. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that when I wear this jacket out and about, I'll be getting a lot of Fonzie 'AAAAAAYYYYYYY!'s thrown my way. The Fonz revolutionized jacket wearing for men.

Needless to say, I feel a lot better wearing my snazzy new leather jacket out in public now that I've already embraced all the abuse I may get for wearing one.

Always yours,


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Breaking Down Titanic

There are very few blockbuster movies that came out in 1997. I mean sure, Men in Black and Jurrasic Park 2 came out, and were kinda of popular, but there is one film that stands out, and that is Titanic. I can still remember being 7 and going to the grocery store with my mom and looking at all the Tiger Beat and J-17 magazines that worshipped Leo DiCaprio and asking myself why. I've seen the movie countless times on television and after seeing it again this afternoon, it hit me that I should just blog about it. In my opinion, it's long overdue, so here is the first ever movie breakdown on Breakfast at Jimothy's.

  • First off, the ending was kind of predictable.

  • Can we really trust Rose's story? According to IMDB, she is 101 years young in 1996 when the story takes place. There is no possible way all those details somehow made it 84 years since it sank and kept their vividness.

  • Jack Dawson really had awesome hair all throughout the movie

  • Cal Hockley seemed to have some abusive traits in him. There is no doubt in my mind that if he and Rose were to wed, Rose would have been beaten. It is also kind of creepy that Cal was 30 and engaged to a 17 year old. Isn't that illegal in most places?

  • The Captain of the Ship had one of the greatest beards in the history of cinema.

  • Rose DeWitt Bukater Character Flaw #1. She cheats on her fiance.

  • Spicer Lovejoy might have the greatest name ever created. It sounds like a stripper name with a tint of elegance in it, but it was given to a man.

  • The Heart of the Ocean necklace is quite the bling. It looks like something that Lil Jon's grandmother would've killed for back in the day.

  • Celine Dion's rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' might be the most famous song to ever come from a movie soundtrack ever. It also makes me tear it up every time I hear it. No it doesn't. Alright yeah it does.

  • Rose DeWitt Bukater Character Flaw #2. By giving the false name of Rose Dawson to that seaman on the Carpathia, Rose could have done some time in the clink for false identification. I'm starting to wonder if Rose has some other issues that need to be taken care of. She's already a cheater and now a felon in most states, not to mention possible identity theft if there was in fact another person aboard the Titanic named Rose Dawson who died. This girl is just a troublemaker.

  • Jack yelling 'I'm the King of the World!' very well might be the most cringe-worthy, cheesy movie line ever. Even my 7 year old self would have rather listened to Hanson's MMMBop on repeat for a full day than hear that line.

  • The fat guy on the ship that interviews Old Rose looks like he is the black sheep in his family.

  • I feel that Molly Brown (Kathy Bates' character) could outdrink anyone on that ship. I bet she was a riot in the saloons back in the early 1900's.

  • Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' is playing on repeat as I write this blog.

  • The fact that Cal Hockley would kill himself after surviving the Titanic just means that he didn't value the gift of life.

  • Kate Winslet really did a great job playing Rose even though she is a ginger.

  • Rose DeWitt Bukater Character Flaw #3. She broke into and fornicated in somebody elses car.

  • Rose's Mom is a total bitch.

  • Gotta feel bad for that one guy who jumps off the ship as it is pretty much vertical and falls into one of the ships blades.

  • It seems to me that if the ship missed that Iceberg, then it would not have sank.

  • Rose DeWitt Bukater Character Flaw #4. She broke her promise and let go of Jack.

  • According to IMDB, Matthew McConaughey was offered the role of Jack, which would have been great if Jack was a total stoner in 1912.

  • What is Old Rose doing walking barefoot on that ship when she tosses the Heart of the Ocean into the ocean? At her age and fragile state, she should be wearing shoes everywhere she goes, especially on the wet floor of a boat. Either that or she should have gotten Life Alert so she could've buzzed someone and yell the class "I've fallen and I can't get up" line.

  • Rose DeWitt Bukater Character Flaw #5. Rose is a bit of a slut for a 17 year old. I don't know about you, but I don't know too many 17 year olds having casual flings with men they met on a ship and posing nude for a sketch. I bet she was the inspiration for Nelly Furtado's hit single 'Promiscuous Girl'.

  • That whole murder suicide that goes down as the ship is sinking was pretty intense

  • Does anybody know if Rose dies at the end of the movie where she gets reunited with Jack or is that just a dream?

  • Jack Dawson shows us that gambling is bad and will eventually kill you somehow.

  • How the hell did they not see that Iceberg? That thing was huge.

  • Rose DeWitt Bukater Character Flaw #6. So after all these years of hanging onto the Heart of the Ocean necklace, the one thing that Brock Lovett was looking for in the wreck of the Titanic, was in your possession, and you decide to throw it overboard to join a shipwreck? What is wrong with you? You got your story out there, show some respect to your captain and give him the only thing he cares about. That stupid necklace. I don't care what symbolism you showed by tossing it into the ocean like it was a guitar pick, that thing could've paid your granddaughter and great grandkids college tuition and then some. You're an idiot Old Rose.

  • I wanted to make a joke to end with about a possible sequel to Titanic, but it turns out that there was one made last year that goes by the clever name of 'Titanic II'. I really can't make this stuff up. The trailer for it is right here.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Legend of Josh Wildenhain

Today, East Providence lost one of the funniest, kindest and overall best residents today. Our dear friend Josh Wildenhain passed away today. It goes to show how you never can predict what happens in life. I know I haven't blogged in a while, but if there is one person who deserves a full blog post from me, it is Josh. This is going to be one of the toughest things I'll ever write, and I'll be sobbing like a baby, but this is for you Josh.

I know I didn't know Josh as long as all the Riverside kids, but I met Josh freshmen year in geometry class with Mrs. Hall. I would go up to the other side of the room to sharpen my pencil about 4 times a period because I had no idea what the hell was going on, and Josh sat right by the pencil sharpener. Probably two weeks into 9th grade he finally asked me why I sharpened my pencil and I told him flat out because I was a dumbass and didn't care about triangles, Josh laughed at me and told me he was glad that he wasn't the only one. From that point on me and Josh became quick friends. We hit it off well, because as everyone who is reading this right now knows, he was the funniest kid to ever walk those decaying halls with about 40 different kind of tiles at EPHS. There are so many memories of Josh, from the time he dressed up like Joe Townie for the volleyball championship senior year and was prancing around like a possessed crackhead. It was an honor to join you in dressing up as the guys from Reservoir Dogs for the Senior Cruise with Matt Rizz, Kyle, Sully. Everything was better with you around. Josh was always quick with a joke, but the thing I loved about him the most is that he always looked at the brighter side of things. No matter how bad it was, whether it was his sickness he had to deal with, and never complained about, all his life, or whether we both got a 50 on a geometry exam, Josh would always have a joke or something to get a smile out of whoever he was with.

We all are going to miss Josh. Whether it was seeing him jamming out in his car before school started in the EPHS parking lot to Third Eye Blind, Billy Joel or witnessing him kick the shit out of singing Sabotage by the Beastie Boys (I believe he got an encore at my 16th birthday party when he graced us with that), Josh was the best. He was never sad. He rolled with the punches. There was one time I'll never forget in freshmen year Spanish class when I sat behind him in Mrs. Gervais' class and started singing 'Crazy' by Britney Spears because he had just told me how he hated it. Josh got so aggravated he took his Spanish (hardcover) text book, turned around, told me to shut the fuck up and cracked me over the head with it. It hurt like a bitch, but he actually made me laugh, even if I was concussed for the next two weeks because of it. Josh was one of those kids that everyone in high school liked to have around. You'd always see him walking around with his hands in his jeans pockets and wearing his black and white adidas windbreaker and you'd just want to go up to him and hear whatever he had to say at that moment, because whatever it was, it'd be something awesome.

One of my proudest moments was almost making Josh cry from laughter our Senior year when we had to do public speaking in Mr. Philips english class. I wasn't prepared and planned on winging something, so I turned to Josh and asked him what I should do it on. Josh told me to pretend I was found in a Russian McDonald's by my parents, and that I was planning on going back after graduation to find my birth parents. I had no other topic so I said screw it, and somehow convinced poor Mr. Philips that I was indeed found in the bathroom of a Russian McDonald's, and added that I planned on enrolling to the University of Moscow. The only thing that kept me from cracking up in the middle of my speech was looking at Josh who had fallen onto the floor from laughing so hard. It was due. That kid made me laugh so many times I had to return the favor somehow. I can still see him now with tears in his eyes, cursing me under his breath while everyone else in the room was confused and kept looking at Mr. Philips to see if he bought it.

I look back at it now and can still see Josh and that smile of his. It's like senior year when myself and Kristen Conners would always get our asses handed to us by Josh and Kyle Towne in Trivial Pursuit (yeah it was a really hard US History II class) happened just last week. Josh knew everything. That kid could tell you absolutely anything about movies, and apparently Bill Clinton (it was 90's edition Trivial Pursuit). Another memorable moment for Josh was whenever he had to present to the class. I think just about everyone who ever had class with him actually got excited for his presentation, because he was so dam quirky and animated. There was the infamous Abe Lincoln assassination presentation where he acted out a pretty good John Wilkes Booth, incorporating jumping on a desk and holding a finger-made gun to mock jumping off the movie theatre balcony and screaming 'SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS!' just after he blew old Honest Abe's brains out. There there was the St. Valentines Day Massacre where he asked me to bring in two fedoras into history class so me and Kyle Towne could be some Chicago mobsters that he kills. Josh got so into it, that he slammed my face into the whiteboard and I swear almost broke my nose. He said sorry but I knew he meant to do it because it was worth my pain to get a rise out the class, which he definitely did. Now that I think about it, Josh kicked the crap out of me, but somehow still managed to get a smile out of me.

One of the best days was when I found out Josh was joining me and Matt Rizzini at Providence College. Josh wasn't sure of where he was going to go and for a solid month after we both got in I was begging him to join. He kept on toying with me saying that he wasn't sure, then one day he just casually told me he was going to join us at PC. When I asked him if it was because of myself and Matty being there he sort of grinned, looked at me and said "No, it's only because you aren't required to take a foreign language there." Always a joker.

Josh, you are going to be dearly missed. You were the one who gave me the idea to start this blog in the first place, and I still don't forgive you for deleting yours. Yours was so incredibly funny and it should've kept on going. I'm going to miss throwing balled up napkins at your face at Slavin while eating those awful Mozzarella Sticks. We're all going to miss that insanely loud sneeze you had and would give teachers heart attacks the first time you sneezed in class. Seriously, your sneeze was like a shotgun going off. Even that beard. Josh you could grow a fine beard my friend. There is no doubt in my mind that the 'Wildebeast' nickname you got came mostly from that beard. Josh, you defined the term "you're the man". No one is ever going to forget you. I've flooded my keyboard right now with tears. You were one of the most amazing friends I've ever had. There were times where I'd bitch and moan because I have a stuttering problem, and then I'd see you and you never complained about not being completely healthy all your life. Providence College won't be the same without you. The 2008 graduating class of East Providence High won't be the same without you. The world won't be the same without you. Everyone loves you Josh. I love you buddy. Life won't be the same without having you there. You were an inspiration to everyone you ever met. I know right now if you read this you'd be calling me a pussy for getting all sappy on you, but that's a damn shame. You left us far too soon and it's not fair.

So everyone who knew Josh, keep your heads up. Feel free to leave your favorite Josh story in the comment section. This is a tough time for everyone knew him, but let's all stick together and think of all the great memories Josh left us with. Go grab a Narragansett and go to your itunes or ipod and throw on Billy Joel's Piano Man for Josh and just think of him. Life is too short to worry about the stock market or the price of gas. We all need to look at the positives of life, because that is exactly what Josh did. He lived life the right way.

Friday, July 8, 2011


I'll be honest I haven't had any good topics to write about for the past month, which explains the lack of blogging recently. A lot has happened since the last post, the Bruins won the Stanley Cup and I turned 21. It feels like more has happened but I guess not. Anywho, I tried thinking of a clever way to explain the feelings of turning 21, but then it hit me to just do a timeline of all the important events that have occurred in my life from July 4th, 1990 through July 4th, 2011. Let's begin.

July 4th 1990- A young James M. Kirwan is born in Providence, Rhode Island. Fireworks are set off in his honor. No child this important has been born since Daniel Radcliffe. Joy ensues.

September, 1990- The first McDonald's opens up in Moscow. Russians have coincidentally been getting pudgier ever since.

1991- Did anything exciting happen at all in 1991? The Red Hot Chili Peppers release 'Blood Sugar Sex Magik'.

October 22nd, 1992- My sister is born. I grin and bear it, although I'm pissed I'm no longer the only child.

May 5th, 1993- I debut my jeans and band t-shirt outfit. I haven't changed since.

April 5th, 1994- Kurt Cobain kills himself and Grunge music in one click of a gun. It is ruled a homicide-suicide. People are stunned even though he tried killing himself once before and wrote a song entitled 'I Hate Myself and Want To Die'.

May 12th, 1994- Weezer releases The Blue Album. This makes anyone reading this feel very old. Sweaters and Buddy Holly start making a comeback.

October 3rd, 1995- O.J. Simpson is found not guilty. I grow weary of white Broncos. Also, a young Casey Anthony realizes that is indeed possible to get away with murder.

September, 1996- I meet Tyler Blatchley and Chuck Wescott. The world is never the same. Also, myself and Taylor Cotter ride the bus together, creating a wonderful, brilliant friendship.

November 15th, 1996- Space Jam is released in theaters. Every child born in the late 80's and early 90's childhoods are complete.

January 17th, 1997- I beat Kevin down Cherry Hill.

December 22nd, 1998- I'm mistakingly left home alone while my family goes on vacation to Paris. I had to fend for myself and protect my house from two robbers named Harry and Marv. I end up getting them arrested after setting up numerous traps around the house. I also ruined my brother Buzz's room. He was not pleased upon his return home.

December 3rd, 1999- My 4th grade teacher tells me I have no future in writing. Shame on her.

January 1st, 2000- Everyone is let down that nothing happens at midnight. The Y2K bug is a fraud.

September 2001- I start 6th grade at Martin Middle School. Horrible fashion and terrible hair dye occurs. Much of this time has been blocked out from memory and for good reason.

December 1st, 2002- I realize Santa isn't real. Depression starts.

March 2003- I come to my senses and start growing my hair out. Girls approve, middle school guys make fun at first but then all follow suit over the next few months. The lady who cut my hair is somewhat disappointed.

May 2004- I attend the Bay View 8th grade semi-formal dance with Kelly Mitchell. There has not been a more handsome couple to attend ever since. All my middle school friends are jealous.

October 10th, 2004- I meet Matt Rizzini at Chelsea Medeiros' birthday party. Life has been downhill ever since.

October 27th, 2004- Boston Red Sox finally win the world series. Life is complete for many New Englanders.

November 30th, 2005- Some lonely guy gets the first ever face transplant in France. There is nothing else exciting to take place in 2005.

May 9th, 2006- The Red Hot Chili Peppers release Stadium Arcadium. My high school ipod is never the same.

February 17th, 2007- Britney Spears shaves her head. We all laugh. Shockingly, the bald head for women trend does not take off.

October 22nd, 2008- Dan Allen gets poked with an umbrella at cross country practice after saying 'track workout!?'. Jokes are no longer allowed at practice.

August 29th, 2008- I move into McDermott, 2nd floor on my first day at Providence College. I meet friends I still have now, including Sean Mottola.

August 30th, 2008- I realize Sean Mottola is a creep.

June 25th, 2009- Michael Jackson dies. Unlike Michael, jokes about him live on forever.

September, 2009- After getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I tell my mother during the car ride home that Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield is "the greatest fucking song of all fucking time" when it comes on the radio, while in a dazed state of mind.

November 27th, 2009- The Tiger Woods incident happens. The world finds out just how much a bro he really is.

November 27th, 2009- We also find out to not mess with Elin Woods when she is holding a 9 iron. She doesn't miss.

May 24th, 2010- The final episode of 24 airs on TV. Ryan Urkiel, Steve Sheridan, Frank Gassert and myself are never the same. Tears and hugs ensue.

July 8th, 2010- LeBron James tells the world he is taking his talents and past NBA Championships to South Beach on national TV. From that day on, the word douchebag has been getting used more and more to describe people, mainly LeBron.

June 11th, 2011- Catherine Zuffoletti adds me on facebook. The future starts looking bright for me.

June 15th, 2011- The Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup. My life is completed. Marriage and children are the only things left in life I have to look forward to.

June 23rd, 2011- The Celtics select Providence College's own Marshon Brooks to be their draft pick. Myself and Matt Gaynor open our third floor window and start writing suicide notes to our friends and family.

June 23rd, 2011- The Celtics trade Marshon Brooks to the New Jersey Nets. Myself and Gaynor rejoice in happiness and close the window.

July 3rd, 2011- Liz Wroblewski ice's me.

July 4th, 2011- I turn 21. I finally find out what beer tastes like. This day also marks the first time I have ever broken a Spongebob Squarepants pinata.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Final Countdown

I've always tried to stay away from sports and keep this blog focused more on pop-culture and random things in life, so if you are not a sports fan and/or a New Englander, you may want to skip this one. There are few times in my life where I get to do this, so I'm going to do this blogpost on the Boston Bruins.

The Bruins are hands down my favorite sports team of all time. I've followed them as long as I can remember and have always been a diehard. I was there for the Bourque years, the Samsonov/Thornton years, the Adam Oates years, Jason Allison, Anson Carter, and the terrible Glenn Murray years. I've seen them have horrible seasons, and honestly it has been somewhat stressful cheering for them. Most seasons have ended in disappointment or plain heartbreak. There has never been an inbetween in all the years I've followed them. Now that Game 7 is tonight, it hit me that either it will be the greatest night of my life or the most depressing, devastating and horrific night of my life.

This is going to sound absurd, but of all the New England sports titles that have been won in my lifetime (2 world series, 1 NBA title, and 3 NFL titles), I would easily trade all but the 2004 World Series title for one Bruins Stanley Cup. Don't get me wrong, I am a big Sox fan, I like the Patriots too, Celtics I have no problem admitting I'm fairweather until the playoffs, but for me personally, nothing comes close to my B's. There is something about this current team that gives me hope. Having a guy like Brad Marchand make one of the Sedin Sisters look like a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot in game 6 has been unheard of in my lifetime of following the Bruins. Our powerplay is God-awful, but we don't need no stinkin' powerplay. Everyone doubts us. For years we were always a good team, but never a great team. We tend to always make the playoffs but can't get past the second round, and it's been rough. Boston is a city who wants to be a hockey town but after years of disappointment, I can't blame people for losing track. I think it would be safe to say that most sports fans in Boston do know main role players each year for the B's, but this year it is different. Everyone is into it. People are into hockey. I've witnessed it at the three playoff games I've got to this season. Crowds unlike any other. Normally I go to a regular season game and there will be fans mispronouncing names and not having a clue who the hell is on the other team and what to do, but that has all changed in the past month or so. Tim Thomas will soon be being told that his jersey should be hanging from the rafters next season. These Bruins are now household names in Boston. My grandmother is telling me how the Bruins needed to forecheck and be more physical out of the gates after game 2 of the Stanley Cup final. My own mother is actually watching hockey. Hockey fever has struck Boston and if the Bruins can pull out this victory, it can certainly stay for a long time.

I love this team because they are a bunch of characters. I know it is stupid and I hate it myself, but in terms of teammates, they are like the 2004 Red Sox. They all seem to love playing with each other, and they sure as hell will stick up for one another. There have been tons of scuffles and such in this series with these Vancouver fairies, and we are pretty much kicking their asses. Guys like Andrew Ference and Dennis Seidenberg are willing to tackle people who even look at Tim Thomas funny. Hell, even Tim Thomas is kicking the shit out of the Sedin twins. That leads me to another point, prior to this series I had a lot of respect for Luongo, Kesler and the Sedin twins, but all that has gone down the drain. I've never seen players flop as much as the Sedins, and they are CAPTAINS. Everytime they get touched they double over in pain, which is kind of funny since it hasn't gotten them one call all series. Alex Burrows has pretty much tainted his career for biting Patrice Bergeron's finger which isn't even mature enough for a playground fight. Seeing Lucic and even Old Man Recchi taunt Burrows by sticking their fingers in his face and begging him to bite it was hilarious. I realize that most of America was not rooting for the Bruins at the start of this series since it is Boston. Everyone hates us because we have great teams, but now that people are starting to realize what a group of pussies Vancouver has, it seems that more and more people are pulling for us to keep the Cup in America, where it belongs! Actually it probably does belong in Canada, but does anyone/anything actually want to be in Canada? The Green Men are just a couple of weirdos who are fond of spandex and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia who have nothing better to do in life than to taunt opposing players who are in the penalty box. Luongo opens his mouth about Tim Thomas' playing style and gives up 3 easy goals on 8 shots. It seems that karma is actually on our side for once. Now if only it can carry over to game 7.

Honestly, words cannot describe how badly I want the Bruins to win. Besides my family, the Bruins have been the most constant thing in my life. I only have a few friends left from early childhood, I've moved houses, grown up and all that fun stuff, but the Bruins have always been there for me. I was there for the dark ages and the terrible, boring years, but I have never lost faith in these guys. We have to bring the cup back to Beantown. This team is underrated, underappreciated, and is somewhat old school. I'm sure the Big Bad Bruins of the 70's are proud of this team and their lack of fear to drop the gloves, be pests and score goals in the dirty areas of the ice. I am nervous and excited for this game. I noticed when I attended game 4 at the Boston Garden that it was an atmosphere unlike any other. People are hoping for a cup. People will be ready to riot if we win. It's almost like a city bottled up just waiting to explode and celebrate. Win or lose, the Bruins have had a hell of a year that no one saw coming. We have a bright future, a city that is ready to embrace hockey again, and a chance to keep the cup away from these scumbags in Vancouver who look more like soccer players than hockey players at this point.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Since MTV is Basically Dead

I can't remember the last time MTV played actual music videos, and since I'm extremely bored on my third day of summer break, I'll give you my favorite choices. Not based on the song, but just the video.

Weezer- Buddy Holly
Easily one of my favorite videos of all time. The Happy Days part is cool and seeing the Fonz dance to Weezer is tremendous.

Taking Back Sunday- Cute Without the 'E' (Cut From The Team)
This video is a spoof of the popular movie Fight Club. I must say, well done. Also, John Nolan kind of looks like Edward Norton in this.

The Black Keys- Tighten Up
Like father like son I suppose.

Brand New- Sic Transit Gloria
The beat will get stuck in your head, and it's pretty cool with all the mirror movements.

Beastie Boys- Sabotage
It's pretty badass with the whole undercover cop thing.

Beastie Boys- Fight For Your Right
Could there be any better music video in the 80's? Don't think so. By the way, anyone know what the hell Spanish Fly is?

Gorillaz- Feel Good Inc.
Huge shoutout to the lovely Melissa Maggio for this one. I had completely forgotten how awesome this video was until she brought it up. Cartoon bands are fun.

The Offspring- Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)
The anthem for all white people who think they are hoodrats. Word up.

OK Go- Here It Goes Again
Huge shoutout to Emily McManus for this. OK Go might be the kings of creative music videos. Everyeone needs to also check out the video for This Too Shall Pass. This is the first time treadmills have ever looked fun.

Red Hot Chili Peppers- Californication
Best videogame music video of all time.

Blink-182- First Date
That hair. Those mustaches. Woof.

Armi and Danny- Love You Tender
This is by far, without a doubt the worst music video ever known to man. It's so awful that it's actually funny. Words cannot describe it, you just need to watch it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


May 1st was an interesting day for America. I will forever remember being down the hall with Sam New, Nicole Eslinger, Erin Dooly, Kathleen Benacci and Lauren Hartigan when my main girl (and Barrington's finest) Jenna Borkoski came in and said to change the channel to the news because bin Laden is dead. It was strange hearing the news because it was almost as shocking as 9/11, I'll always remember being in the 6th grade in Mrs. Burns class. They waited to tell the 6th graders until the end of the day, but we all knew something weird was going on by the way the teachers were acting and the fact that all the 7th and 8th graders were watching TV. Of course, the Providence College campus celebrated the fact that this bastard was finally killed, and although it does't make up for the lost lives of 9/11, it's somewhat reassuring that some justice was served. It was nice seeing PC start up the U-S-A! chants and people carrying flags all over the place running around. Some people are upset that people are rejoicing over death, and I can see that to some extent, but the fact that it's bin Laden should override that. Would these people say the same about Hitler's death? Doubt it. So anyways, I started to wonder who exactly it was who killed bin Laden, so why not make up a Top 10 list of possible candidates!

10. Dick Cheney- Look, it may be a long shot here, but perhaps ol' Dicky boy was overseas hunting for rabbits, or whatever it was he was shooting at when he accidently shot that other guy in the face, and happened to kill Osama. Can't anyone else see Cheney, heart condition and all, hunting for quail in the desert, stumble upon some compound in the suburbs, see a squirrel and miss so badly that he shot a man who just so happened to be Osama? I mean the fact that he accidently shot another man is a weird enough story, so why couldn't it happen in this scenario?

9. Waldo- Pure jealousy is the motive here. For the past decade or so, everyone has been trying to find Osama. People simply gave up looking for our buddy Waldo because they focused so much time in caves looking for that prick with that scraggely facial hair. You gotta believe that Waldo either beat the piss out of him with that walking stick he constantly is carrying, or strangled him with the strap for his pair of binoculars. Sure there are reports that bin Laden was killed after being shot in his left eye, but maybe Waldo just made it seem that way. He could've done the deed, then shoot him in his eye after he was already dead to make it seem like he wasn't involved. I can expect sales in the Where's Waldo? book franchise to consistantly grow in the near future now that he is the #1 man on the run.

8. Charlie Sheen- What better way to put use to that machete he was swinging on the top of hotels than to take out bin Laden. He is full of tiger's blood which as we all know turns normal men into warlocks, so he probably got a rush and went over to Pakistan by himself on a mission. It may also be a desperate attempt to win back his role on Two-and-a-Half Men. I'd give it to him if this was infact what happened.

7. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Cast- They really have fallen out of the spotlight, so they had to make a comeback somehow. I can see them showing up to the compound all fruity and fabulous and just freaking out bin Laden's crew. Their mission was simple enough: to change Osama's wardrobe and hairstyle. All they wanted to do was give him a new black turban instead of the white turban that was so last season and throw some sequins embroidery on his dull and tame army jacket. They couldn't take no for an answer and finally got so mad at stubborn Osama that they killed him. Plain and simple.

6. Dos Equis Most Interesing Man- He's the coolest guy ever. He constantly does things that most men cannot do, so can we really overlook the possibility that he killed Osama? He probably shot him with a crossbow through his left eye, then cracked open a bottle of Dos Equis by using the empty eye socket as a bottle opener. It would also be perfect for the next commercial "He single-handedly killed Osama bin Laden, He can count to infinity...backwards, The sun watches him set". Perfect marketing campaign for the next commercial.

5. Rebecca Black- Ms. Black just couldn't let her spotlight run out on her just yet. She felt so bad about disgracing America with 'Friday' that she figured she had to make up for it in order to feel good about herself. She infiltrated the compound by playing 'Friday' on repeat on a boombox, forcing anyone in her path to run in fear, leading her directly to Osama where she took out a shotgun and blew his brains out. End of story. We know what she does on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and now we know that Monday through Wednesday she takes out terrorists one by one. Can't blame her for gettin down on Fridays anymore. (shoutout to Kevin Tavares for the suggestion).

4. Hulk Hogan- The Hulkster loves America. His theme song back in the glory days of the WWF was entitled "Real American". After being tired with Vince McMahon's antics, what better way to start a comeback than by taking out America's sworn enemy. He's fought the likes of The Rock, The Undertaker, Sgt. Slaughter, Randy Savage, The Ultimate Warrior and even Mr. T, so Osama was obviously the next person on his list. He's had a rough year since his wife left him for a 15 year old, his son killed a man while drag racing, and his daughter slowly turned into a man, so it's about time Hulk regained some respect for himself. I just wish this was saved for Wrestlemania.

3. Jason Bourne- It's a strong possibility that Jason here could've done the job, but there is one small problem: he's not being played by Matt Damon in the next movie. This is holding Jason from being the #2 or even the #1 spot on this list. Jason Bourne is very badass and he has the military background to pull it off, although I think it's fair to say that he spends more time in Europe kicking the shit out of people, so maybe he isn't used to the desert conditions.

2. Michael Myers- You can't stop Mikey Myers. Just can't. Like bin Laden for so many years, Michael always got away from the authorities, even when everyone thought he was dead for good. I can picture Michael Myers just walking to the compound, taking bullet after bullet to the chest and just keep on truckin' like we've all seen in the 62+ movies in that series. It's about time he killed someone meaningful instead of Jamie Lynn Curtis.

1. Jack Bauer- This has to be the most logical explanation. Why else would Fox cancel 24 after 8 seasons of being one of the top rated television shows in history? Jack was on a mission so important that it could not risk being filmed. Jack Bauer is the only person I know to have such a superior background and the guts to do this. Jack loves Amercia and would do anything to make this world a better place. I mean killing Osama does seem like a tricky task to pull off, but honestly I've seen Jack get himself out of tougher situations and pull off the impossible. For all we know Osama had Kim Bauer captive or was plotting a nuclear attack on America. I know that if I were in charge of the country, Jack Bauer would certainly be the first person I'd want leading the manhunt.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Ch-Ch-Check-Check-Check-Ch-Check It Out

I've always been a big fan of the Beastie Boys. There just aren't as many trios of white rap-rockers from Brooklyn these days. Anywho, I think the world should check out their new music video. Pretty much, Elijah Wood, Danny "Kenny Fucking Powers" McBride and Seth Rogen play Adrock, Mike D and MCA in this music video, which is supposed to take place following the infamous "Fight For Your Right" party music video. There are many, many cameos from celebrities in this bad boy, including Will Ferrel, John C. Reily, Kristen Dunst, Rainn Wilson, Karen from the Office, Sam the bartender from Cheers, Steve Buscemi, some Saturday Night Live people, Jack Black and more. Supposedly, there is a full 30 minute long video focusing on what happened after the party which should be awesome as well. So do yourself a favor and check this out, cause it'll be worth it.

I'll be taking a break from blogging for the next few weeks due to finals and whatnot, but whatever I'll be back soon. As always, keep the faith. Go Bruins.


Friday, April 22, 2011

...And Now A Message from Daniel Allen

I am notoriously late for everything. I am a chronic procrastinator. I am not punctual. I am without a concept of time. It is a problem. And it is all my mother’s fault. That may sound harsh, but sometimes the truth is not easy.

It all began on June 10, 1990, a presumably warm day; a day that will go down in trivia lore as my due date. For some medical reason that I don’t care to know, I remained in utero. Slowly, the calendar turned to 11 and then 12. 12 became 13 and before you knew it, the Summer Solstice, June 21, rolled around. At this point, my mother became sick of me (a recurring theme throughout my childhood) and was induced. Wrap your mind around that – I was born 11 days late. Nearly two full weeks of me just hanging out, mooching off of my pregnant mother, I finally had the medically-induced decency to be born. As I was soon to find out, this would not be the first time that I’d be a little late for something.

My childhood was hodgepodge of me ruining things for my family. It started out small – a couple of times walking into mass during the opening hymn or getting to tee-ball after all the positions had been picked. Now in the grand scheme of things, if this is the only havoc that your kid causes, you’d be ok with that. But young Daniel? He was just getting started.

Tee-ball was kind of a gateway drug with me. Sure it’s no big deal to be the eighth kid in the outfield hoard, but things got steadily worse when I’d eat Oreo’s before dentist’s appointments. I can count on both hands the number of times I made my family late to the dentist because I was frantically scrubbing black shit out of molars I was just going to lose in a few months anyway.

I escaped elementary school unscathed from a tardy perspective. This may or may not be because I live close enough to the school that I can see it from my pillow when I go to sleep. Middle school provided me with some issues as I was introduced to the questionable academic practice that is Early Morning Band. Its origins are murky, but Al-Qaeda has tried to take responsibility. Although the Geneva convention is still looking into it, EMB is band rehearsals that come before school; instead of waking up and catching the bus at 7:40, I had to leave the house an hour early and deal with people who were way to be excited to be making music before the sun was up. Due to the legal implications, I can’t reveal what my mother told me would happen to me if I ever missed a rehearsal, but they’d make a make a sailor blush.

High school was a major breakthrough for me when it came to getting out of being late for things. I have an uncle who lives in the same town as me. His daily commute takes him right past my high school right around the time that I would be arriving, so every holiday, without fail, he would tell me that if I ever missed the bus, he would give me a ride. So one day, I was walking to the main road where my bus stop was, at the same time I always did and lo and behold, the bus drives by. Early. Sonovabitch. So I walk back to my house (pre-cell phone) and call my uncle. When he picked me up he has some deserved snide remarks for me. So what did I tell him? I told him the bus came early. I told my uncle, who was doing me a huge favor, that I was not late, but the bus was early. Internally, I didn’t think it was a big deal as that was what happened.

As high school progressed, they instituted a policy that if a student entered their first period class even a second late they would be sent down to the cafeteria for the duration of the 87 minute period and receive a zero for any class work that day. You, the reader, would probably think this would spell doom for me. Think again. I did many things to be on time for my classes including, but not limited to hanging outside the doorway of my math class so I could orchestrate a screen and slither into my seat, unnoticed.

My biggest regrets in high school, in terms of tardiness, dealt with every prom I ever went to. I went to kind of a lot of proms in high school. Probably too many, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m giving myself a pass for being late to my first one because I couldn’t figure out the stupid clasps on the tuxedo pants. But the next eight that I went to, I should not have been late. If I had a dollar for all the dirty looks that mothers have given me as I try to tuck my shirt in on the way to the door, I could pay off my loans right now. Fortunately, I always just made a remark about no one rolls out of bed looking this good. Needless to say, when I trick a girl into marrying me, I will undoubtedly be late to the chapel. Tuxes and punctuality are not for me, so I was not too upset to see that part of my life be put on hold. As high school concluded, I grew tired of getting out of such meaningless things. I was ready for the big time. I was ready for college.

My college career got off to a rough start. Let me tell you that having mono is no way to endear yourself to your new hallmates. In my quest to maximize my shut eye, I would sleep until the last possible second and then stumble to class in a (prescription) codeine-riddled state. I would come into every class with bedhead and mumble some excuse to the professor as I took the closest seat. But something funny happened: my professors didn’t care. They literally showed no concern as to where I was or why I was interrupting their thrilling lecture on some polarity of water molecules in the atmosphere or some bullshit that I have to pay for to make me a ‘more complete student.’ So as my academic career winds down a mere one more year, I would like to impart some wisdom on the younger readers on how to get out of being late.

1. It is never ever your own fault if you are anything less than twenty minutes late to anything. Fact: unless I really fuck up, I never, ever take full responsibility for my tardiness. I blame anything and everything as to why I’m late.

2. Play dumb. Not really a fan of this one because I’m not dumb, but it works for some people (read: girls and foreigners). Pretend to confuse the time or something, I don’t really know. I pee standing up and speak without an accent.

3. When you blame someone else for you being late, make sure it isn’t someone who would take offense to it. For instance, if my family knew how much I’ve thrown them under the bus, they would probably laugh and just call me a dumbass., so I continue to blame them.

4. Make broad comments that allow for some wiggle room, but can’t really be verified. Late to work? Blame traffic in the other direction and rubberneckers. Maybe a cop pulled someone over and caused traffic to bottleneck?

5. Tailor your excuse to the amount you care about the event you’re missing. Late to a movie with friends? Make a shitty joke and go on your way. Late to a movie with a hot date? Be apologetic with out taking responsibility. Blame everything and everyone. Maybe even let her (or him?) take control of the music in the car, but be careful with this tactic as girls (or same-sex partners) typically like shitty music.

6. Confuse the interrogator. This is one of my personal favorites. It works especially well with mothers and bosses. When I go into work late, I immediately ask my boss a few rapid-fire questions ranging from how his day went to how business has been that day. If you can segue between personal and professional questions, you’re golden because the boss will be unable to stay mad when you’re showing a genuine interest in improving job performance.

7. Be polite. Jay-Z claims that his balls and his word are all he has. I can’t confirm that, but I would like to add that I also have manners. So balls, my word, annnnnd my manners are what I have. Manners going a long way in defusing any potential conflict. This is super important because when you’re late to something it is your fault (you just can’t admit it).

8. The last line of defense. This is when you’re busted and you know it and you can’t do anything about it. This was summed up very well by Dave Chappelle in a skit he did about littering. The premise was that the richer you were, the more inconspicuous you had to be about littering. The skit culminated with a poor crack-head taking trash, pausing, and shooting a jump shot at an invisible trashcan – he was so poor that he couldn’t care less about littering. The last line of defense is to make some outrageously, snide, snarky, sarcastic remark and hope to your deity of choice that the other person also has a sick sense of humor and finds some comedy in your outrageously, snide, snarky, sarcastic remark.

9. Blame the printer. Everyone hates printers. Anyone who doesn’t hate printers has never finished anything at the last minute and needed the printer to just print a few goddamn pages.

So that’s it, folks, almost 1700 words about being late and not one period joke. Who says I’m immature still?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What the World Thinks of Montreal

I think Andrew Ference is speaking on behalf of everyone else in the world not from Montreal. Go Bruins. Go America.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Catholic School Girls Rock, Part III

It has been easily confirmed that this study on Catholic school girls has been the greatest idea I've ever had. The support , compliments and phone numbers I've been getting is simply overwhelming. So many former Catholic school girls have come out of the woodwork and ask me if they can be interviewed next. So what I've decided to do is perhaps do a few more interviews randomly throughout the next month or so, and perhaps do a different region of Catholic school girls, to see if they differ any from the three gorgeous Rhode Island Catholic school girls who participated in this study. Right now I'm thinking of the New York/New Jersey/Long Island region, since PC is oozing with these types of girls. Anyways, it should be interesting nonetheless. Now, part 3 is with the lovely Taylor Cotter. I've known Taylor Cotter since the first grade, and she's easily one of the classiest and intriguing girls I've ever known. A perk to having her fill out this survey is that she's a brunette, so we can mix it up from those blondies in the previous interviews. So without further adieu, break out your white polo, knee highs and plaid skirts and enjoy the final part (for now) of the Catholic School Girl Experience.

Catholic School Girl Experience: We’ll start easy and have some word associations. Tell me the first word that comes to mind when you see the following: Jim - I answered these with more than one word. There are just too many flowing memories to stop.

  • Plaid Skirts - Love love love! Though, ask any Bay View girl and the plaid skirt was a last resort when all your navy blue skirts were dirty. Body temperature went up about 5-10 degrees and rolling wool tight under a polo shirt caused for awkward marks around the waist. However, these are so classic and I just wish they were able to be purchased in stores.

  • Abercrombie - If you wore Abercrombie before age 14 at Bay View, you were awesome. If you wore it after age 14, you might as well not even show your face. However, most girls picked the Hendricken boy who looked most like an Abercrombie model, even if it was just a polo shirt and cargo shorts.

  • Nuns - Katie's answer seems to forget that some of the most amazing moments in high school came from the nuns. One word? Hilarious.

  • James Franco - When we went to Bay View, I'm pretty sure James Franco had only been in Spiderman. However, I think that badass, weird, artsy and incoherent types like Franco are pretty much what all BVA girls dream of.

  • Softball - "Is she a lesbian?" "No, she just plays softball."

  • The Notebook - I am the biggest outlier from all students at Bay View Academy (and all women): I have never seen The Notebook.

  • Is it true that you will automatically start pouring tears whenever Konstantine by Something Corporate starts playing? - Yes, yes it is.

  • What was the strangest name of any Sister that worked at Bay View? - Sister Perpetua - she was our religion teacher in seventh grade. She was the perfect nun - always mad at us for not using proper cursive and teaching us songs about Jesus. She taught us that you can't pray for dogs and that it's quite easy to convince a teacher that you need "time to reflect" instead of taking a test.

  • Are laxbros all they are cracked up to be? - When Jim Kirwan, laxbro #1 re-entered my life, as well as his wonderful bros Andrew Chace, Matt Rizzini and Chris Rizzini, my opinion of the laxbro culture skyrocketed. Katie and I used to sneak over to East Providence High School to watch lacrosse games and oogle. Hanging out with the laxbros, especially because of their high opinion of the Catholic School Girl, was incredibly enjoyable and provided for much lunchroom conversation in our junior and senior years.

  • Do you feel that as a catholic school girl, you are holier than thou? - Always - it's not just anyone who can run off all the books of the New Testament (in song).

  • When dancing with a young man, do you always make sure to ‘leave enough room for the holy spirit’? - Protip: leaving room for the holy spirit is an excuse that Catholic girls use when they don't want to be too close to creepers. As Katie said, the proper Catholic school girl NEVER leaves room for the holy spirit, and incurs all consequences.

  • Tell me about the best cat fight you ever witnessed during school. - I don't remember the fight Katie is talking about (this may be a different version of the same story) but the one I remember was two randos getting into a lunchroom fight our junior year. I don't remember anything about what happened, but I saw the whole thing. Coincidentally, I had a detention (for wearing backless shoes) that same week, and I had to sit with them for an entire hour.

  • On average, how many times did you hear the word bitch on any given school day? - A lot, when you go to school with a lot of bitches.

  • Is it true that girls enrolled at catholic all-girls schools do not care about make-up and appearance during the school day? Do you buy this rumor? Cause I don’t. - I agree with Katie - this is no rumor. I tried to wear makeup a few times a week, but this was often applied in the car at a red light when Camille Zaydon held onto the steering wheel from the passenger seat. Hair piled on top of my head, wrinkled polo (another thing I once got detention for), mismatched kneesocks and half-rolled skirt was my uniform of choice. When you are required to wear the same mediocre outfit every day, sometimes (always) you just can't pull yourself to make it look good day after day. I took a slightly more "alternative" route to the Bay View uniform than Katie did - I opted for a hoodie and Vans over Sperrys and cardigan, but the sentiment was always the same - why can't I just wear my own clothes? Like I said, I was once given detention by the Vice Principal for looking "too sloppy" - so rumors are true, Jim Kirwan, the rumors are true.

  • You’re trapped in an elevator for a month. You can have any five items you wish with you. What are they? - Cell phone, DD iced coffee, sweatshirt (doubles as pillow), 1 of 8 class binders to study, nail polish

  • Is Tina Fey an idol of yours? - Tina Fey has been my number one idol since I was 14, giving hope to awkward girls with brown hair everywhere.

  • If things are getting steamy with a significant other, and the said male wants you to dress up as a catholic school girl, do you oblige him or smack the shit out of him? - Smack the shit out of him and wonder why anyone sees any sex appeal in a messy bun and boxer shorts.

  • Is there truth to the rumor that any male teacher at an all girls school is automatically deemed hot? Even if he isn’t all what he’s cracked up to be? - This is false. One out of ten male teachers is considered hot, the other 9 are often considered predatory, creepy, awkard and intrusive. Any girl who has a conversation that goes further than handing in homework with one of these teachers is normally freaked out and their mom calls our guidance counselor, Miss Poppy.

  • If offered a Bloody Mary for a choice of beverage, do you automatically accept? - Not automatically, but I'm always glad to have the option

  • Please state your favorite Pope. - John Paul the First

  • When you were in middle school, did the store Hot Topic used to frighten you, or did you embrace it as a sense of rebellion?- A little bit of both, so I just ordered from the online store.

  • Have you ever dreamed about being a model for Polo or Hollister? - Every day of my life.

  • Are you any good at Croquet?- I wish!

  • If you could associate any rap song to your life, what would it be? - Nicki Minaj - Moment 4 Life

  • Did you have trouble picking out clothes for the first day of school in your freshman year of college after years of having it already picked out for you? - I have trouble picking out my clothes every single day. Somehow, a pile of white polos was a lot easier to sort through than a pile of business casual.

  • Say I’m on a date with a former catholic school girl. How can I win her heart on the first date? - Take her to an Italian restaurant on Federal Hill, don't comment on her chipped nailpolish, ask her about her AP scores and don't make her say how many dates she went on in high school.

  • Who is your dream husband, (dead or alive)? - Andrew McMahon

  • How many pairs of Uggs, leggings, and northfaces do you own, respectively? Also, do you feel that this is a type of non-spoken dress code that all girl once they hit college adhere to? - I have three pairs of Uggs, four North Faces and probably about 15 pairs of leggings. Unfortunately, this is the uniform of college. On days where I wish I could just pull on a polo and BVA sweater, I often find myself wearing the Ugg/North Face/leggings. I try as often as I can to find cute and creative ways to dress, but as all Bay View girls know, sometimes there's just no one worth impressing.

  • Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost? - Holy Spirit!

  • Paper or plastic? - Always plastic.

  • The Strokes or The White Stripes? - Strokes

  • Should I keep my hair long or short? - Short! You look so handsome and classy. I like it very much.

  • *nsync or backstreet boys? - Oh man...*nsync, but just for JT.

  • Bros or hoes? - Hoes, first and forever

  • Finish the sentence: Jesus is… my bff.

It brings a tear to my eye that this third chapter is complete. I have to commend Taylor on actually answering the Strokes or White Stripes question with an actual choice, it's nice that she can follow instructions. That being said, it is very apparant that when asked to give the first word that comes to mind for a word association, it is impossible for Catholic school girls to give just one word. It's also nice that Pope John Paul I got some love, that Innocent III dude was starting to hog the spotlight. Also, I need to meet this Sister Perpetua if she's still kicking. I might have to ask for "time to reflect" in order to hold off taking a test in my American Religious Experience class in the near future. One final thing, I find it awesome that Taylor hasn't seen the Notebook. I think it's every guys dream to find a girl who is not obsessed with that movie, so Taylor you might be having some suitors coming your way trying to woo you. I'd like to thank Meg, Kaitie and Taylor once again for taking this survey. I was skeptical at first about doing this survey, but it turned out to be awesome. I feel like I have earned a small spot in the hearts of all Catholic school girls, which is fine by me.

Much love people, much love.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Catholic School Girls Rock, Part II

I'm not going to lie, after Catholic School Girls Rock, Part I hit the web on Monday night, I feel like my life is forever changed. The immense gratitude from Catholic School girls has been overwhelming. I've been told it's breathtaking, all completely true, and some of the finest literature that has ever been posted on anything. I feel like any day now I'll be getting a call from some administrator at Bay View to tell me either A.) They want to put a statue of me on campus or B.) They want to sue me for slander. Either way it's a win win kind of. Anyways, next up is Providence College's very own Meg Reidy. Meg is easily one of my favorite PC girls, mainly because she actually talks to me unlike most girls on this campus. In addition, she is a tremendous volleyball player and everything she touches turns into gold. I'll spare you all the small talk, and let's cut to the chase. Once again, here is part 2 of 3 on figuring out who these Catholic school girls really think they are. Meg, your life may never be the same after people start reading this.

We’ll start easy and have some word associations. Tell me the first word that comes to mind when you see the following:

  • Plaid Skirts- easiest outfit decision ever

  • Abercrombie – double popped polo

  • Nuns – sr. edwardine

  • James Franco – do me

  • Softball - bomb

  • The Notebook – sappy, but every girl’s favorite ** sorry I didn’t listen to “first word” and I put multiple words. catholic school girls do what they want

  • Is it true that you will automatically start pouring tears whenever Konstantine by Something Corporate starts playing?-Absolutely not.

  • What was the strangest name of any Sister that worked at Bay View?-Sister Perpetua

  • Are laxbros all they are cracked up to be?-Yes. Hot but douchebags

  • Do you feel that as a catholic school girl, you are holier than thou?- Ehh not so much. Pray hard, party harder.

  • When dancing with a young man, do you always make sure to ‘leave enough room for the holy spirit’?- Have you ever been to a hendricken mixer? You would have your answer if you have.

  • Tell me about the best cat fight you ever witnessed during school.- Girl stormed out after fighting in the cafeteria and the door swung back and broke her nose.

  • On average, how many times did you hear the word bitch on any given school day?- 20

  • Is it true that girls enrolled at catholic all-girls schools do not care about make-up and appearance during the school day? Do you buy this rumor? Cause I don’t.- If we’re going to be anywhere in the vicinity of boys, that’s all we care about. If not it’s a high bun and makeup only if its from the day before.

  • You’re trapped in an elevator for a month. You can have any five items you wish with you. What are they- Q-tips, my blackberry, pizza, the kid who wears a backwards hat that lives a floor below me, iced coffee

  • Is Tina Fey an idol of yours?- Not particularly, but she is funny.

  • If things are getting steamy with a significant other, and the said male wants you to dress up as a catholic school girl, do you oblige him or smack the shit out of him?- I guess it could be fun to relive my 7 years at bay view…

  • Is there truth to the rumor that any male teacher at an all girls school is automatically deemed hot? Even if he isn’t all what he’s cracked up to be?- No, we still appreciate good looks. Its not like we’re locked up with all girls and driven to the point of liking just ANY male.

  • If offered a Bloody Mary for a choice of beverage, do you automatically accept?- I’d rather have a beer.

  • Please state your favorite Pope- Pope innocent the 3rd

  • When you were in middle school, did the store Hot Topic used to frighten you, or did you embrace it as a sense of rebellion?- Far too preppy to even step foot near the spiked jewelry.

  • Have you ever dreamed about being a model for Polo or Hollister?- Not really, just want their clothes

  • Are you any good at Croquet?- Can anyone be good at croquet?

  • If you could associate any rap song to your life, what would it be?- Hottest in da hood.

  • Did you have trouble picking out clothes for the first day of school in your freshman year of college after years of having it already picked out for you?- Put way too much effort into it, so yes.

  • Say I’m on a date with a former catholic school girl. How can I win her heart on the first date?- Wear a backwards hat,a polo t-shirt and sperrys and we’re yours.

  • Who is your dream husband, (dead or alive)?- The backwards hat kid I wanted in the elevator with me.

  • How many pairs of Uggs, leggings, and northfaces do you own, respectively? Also, do you feel that this is a type of non-spoken dress code that all girl once they hit college adhere to?- 5, probably 10, 6…Oops =) they’re all essential to comfort and that’s why we wear them

  • Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost?- Spirit fo sho.

  • Paper or plastic?- paper

  • The Strokes or The White Stripes?- Neither.

  • Should I keep my hair long or short?- SHORT. SHORT. SHORT.

  • *nsync or backstreet boys?- Both.

  • Bros or hoes?- Both.

  • Finish the sentence: Jesus is… - God.

Well well well. Children, what have we learned here? First of all, it is becoming apparant that Catholic school girls cannot follow directions when it comes to word associations and answer these in one word. Talk about rebels without cause! Secondly, I have to give props to my girl Sister Perpetua. What a name. Some kids would try to live a rough and rebellious life just in spite to their parents naming them something awful, but not Sister P. Sister P obviously found faith in the good Lord almighty to not make fun of a name like that. I mean and I thought James was a bad first name. Next up, who the hell is this kid with the backwards hat that Meg here met in the elevator? He's gotta be a stud. If anyone finds him on campus, I'll give a free shoutout to that person. If someone finds the kid and sets him up on a date with Meg, I'll give you a free blogpost where you can write whatever you want. Let's help a sister out. I also like the fact that Pope Innocent III is getting the love he truly deserves, although I find it hard to believe that both Kaitie and Meg both came up with this answer on their own. One final thing about Meg's answers: I would've paid a shit-ton of money to see that girl get into a fight, leave the cafeteria and break her nose from a door slamming in her face. That deserves to be on youtube.

Anyways, special thank to Meg for partaking in this soon-to-takeover-the-world study. Part three will be up Saturday, so hang in tight. Also, be sure to spread the word to your little catholic school girl friends and whatnot. This blog cracked 19,000 visitors (somehow), and I want to get to 25,000 before the year is over, so help me out.

So long, and goodnight.