Saturday, March 29, 2014

Pop Culture Madness! Round 2

Welcome to Round 2 of the 1st annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Bracket.  Round 1 saw some real grudge matches, a few upsets, and some utter domination.  Round 2 is upon us, and this time we have 7 new judges making their important selections for who they think should move on.  I'd like to thank all the judges, Andrew "Woody" Chace, Christine "The Gimp" Smith, Kristen "The Brooklyn Ginger" Borowiec, Sean "Band Camp" Mottola, Sarah "The Governess" Pacitti, Matt "Thunder" Rizzini, and my weirdo friend who wished to only be referenced in this blog as "Sixpack".  Your effort and thoughts were much appreciated and truly astounding.  I value my friendship with each of you.  On to the match ups! 

1. Fez vs. OJ Simpson's Bloody Glove:
  • Kristen-"Fez made out with Mila Kunis so he wins life.  And this round."
  • Andrew-"The instituted a beliefe in people everywhere that 'Hey, if somebody else can get away with murder, so can I.'"
  • Sarah-"Fez because Wilmer Valderrama dated Lindsay Lohan for a while, and I bet that's gotta be tough."
  • Christine-"Fez.  I've always hated blood."
  • Matt-" A few years ago I didn't care much for That 70's Show but now it's the show I watch while I eat breakfast before work every day.  I've had no choice but to become fond of Fez and the other characters.  OJ's glove doesn't get me going in the morning like Fez does."
  • Sean-"Yo Momma was the dumbest show on TV.  Fez is dead."
  • Winner: Fez 4-3 
Excited For the Sweet 16

2. Neville Longbottom vs. Bald Britney Spears:
Skrillex Haircut Gone Wrong.
  • Kristen-"While bald Britney was certainly an entertaining part of my adolescence, I have to go with Neville Longbottom simply because I am a woman and have you seen him lately?!  Puberty worked wonders on this guy."
  • Sean-"After taking Buzzfeed's 'Which Nerdy Sidekick are you?' quiz, I got Neville.  He represents loyalty and bravery which I respect."
  • Christine-"I might be one of the only people that is NOT a fan of Harry Potter - bald Britney it is.  Plus 'Lucky' will forever be a classic."
  • Sixpack-"Britney.  I occasionally jammed out to her album 'Oops!...I did it again' back in the day."
  • Andrew-"Going against her 2007 hit 'Gimme More', Britney made a BALD choice in shaving her head.  Considering I will be in a similar position one day, she's an inspiration.  And plus, Neville was a dweeb."
  • Matt-"Longbottom wins because all the girls love him now after his transformation from chubby little kid into a hunk, but I feel like in a few years this win will be vacated when a scandal breaks out that it was actually two different actors playing the role."
  • Sarah-"Bald Britney Spears because everyone deserves a fresh start (every hair follicle, too).  Plus, wigs."
  • Winner: Bald Britney Spears, in what can only be deemed an upset, 4-3.  10 Points for Slytherin!

3. Edward Snowden vs. Daniel Bryan's YES!!!! Chant:
Join the YES! Movement.
  • Sean-"Snowden is a bender.  Daniel Bryan would dropkick him into yesterday.  Next."
  • Christine-"Snowden.  Fascinates me that he just hung out in the Russian airports for a while, plus wrestling really doesn't do it for me."
  • Sarah-"Edward Snowden because if he ever wanted to invite ladies back to his place in the winter he could call it the Snow Den.  And other stuff, too."
  • Andrew-"Snowden was a technological martyr.  Daniel Bryan was done more with two fingers than any man ever has.  I vote YES! on D. Bryan."
  • Matt-"I'm convinced it was hundreds of YES!! YES!! YES!! chants that my drunken friends and I yelled at MSG that propelled the Friars to win the Big East Championship.  Without a doubt YES wins this one.  YES!! YESS!! YESS!!"
  • Sixpack-"It takes a lot to make Jim's almost impossible.  This chant changed his life."
  • Kristen-"Edward Snowden.  Simply because this pick will piss Jim off."
  • Winner: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 4-3.  This was too close for comfort. 

4. Skeeter Valentine vs. Paris Hilton's DJ Career:
  • Matt-"This one is personal for me.  Nobody loves DJs more than me and I've been seething ever since Paris Hilton got a residency at a club in Ibiza (the EDM capital of the world.)  who would ever pay money to see her DJ when some of the best in the world are right around the corner?  Ugh I'm done with this, Skeeter wins and he wins big."
  • Sean-"Every kid in the 90's wished they had a best friend like Skeeter.  *HONK HONK*"
  • Sarah-"Skeeter Valentine because one time I asked my mom her favorite cartoon character and she said 'Skeeter Valentine'."
  • Sixpack-"Skeeter- I'm a huge Doug fan.  Skeeter's the raddest dude around."
  • Andrew-"Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz used Skeeter's name to introduce the world a new form of birth control in 'Get Low'....I rest my case."
  • Christine-"Skeeter.  Paris Hilton's attempts at being a DJ don't count as a career."
  • Kristen-"Skeeter knew neon was cool before you did."
  • Winner: Skeeter Valentine in a damn landslide, 7-0.  All is right with the world.  

5. Amanda Bynes' Twitter Meltdown vs. George Clooney in Space:
  • Christine-"Clooney hands down.  Such a silver fox.  Although I did love the Amanda show..."
  • Sixpack-"Amanda Bynes.  She's crazy...I'm afraid of her."
  • Sarah-"Amanda Bynes because of the Amanda Show."
  • Andrew-"Clooney is better looking afloat than he is on ground.  Also, he was a ghost.  So that's pretty cool."
  • Matt-"I stopped following Amanda awhile ago so I just checked up on her to find out she has deleted all her outrageous tweets.  I was ready to give her a victory in here but I can't give it to someone who is hiding from her past.  Plus Gravity was a pretty sweet movie."
  • Winner: Clooney in Space 4-3.  Amanda just can't catch a break these days.  

6. Kel Mitchell vs. Gingers:
  • Andrew-"If 'orange soda' was actually called 'red soda', this would be a tossup.  But everyone thinks that Kel is dead.  And he's not.  So he wins."
  • Sarah-"Kel Mitchell is my lady.  Did you know I am ahead of her in a NCAA bracket right now?  XO lady thanks for all the good times.  Can't wait to see you soon!  HAGS, KIT."
  • Sean-"Orange soda vs. Orange hair.  Tough choice.  Seeing as Kel Mitchell's career went extinct before the ginger population, I have to give it to the gingers.  Grit and pure determination, plain and simple."
  • Matt-"It's a well known fact that Kel Mitchell loves people with orange hair simply because he also loves orange soda.  That being said, Kel might feel bad when he destroys the soulless gingers and advances into the next round."
  • Sixpack-"I love burgers."
  • Christine-"Kel.  Kenan would've been so lost without him."
  • Kristen-"If gingers don't win this round I'm boycotting this blog for the rest of my life.  Gingers, despite not having souls, are some of the most lovable creatures on earth.  Gingers FTW."
  • Winner: Kel Mitchell 5-2.  Looks like Kristen will now be boycotting my blog.  
Welcome to the Sweet 16, Home of the Sweet 16, Can I ....

7. Blue Ivy Carter vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin:
  • Sixpack-"Austin 3:16.  Sorry Jay-Z but he'll chug a beer and kick your ass any day of the week."
  • Christine-"Blue Ivy.  As much as the name drives me crazy, again, I've already shared my thoughts on wrestling....Also Bonnie and Clyde is still one of my favorites."
  • Andrew-"Steve Austin made chugging beers look easy, and wearing knee braces look fucking awesome.  'What do you want for Christmas, Johnny?' 'Knee braces, and a hell yeah!"
  • Sean-"Stone Cold had a great run, but I leave you with the words of our beloved Frankie MacDonald: Blue Ivy is SOO POWERFUL!!"
  • Sarah-"Baby Blue because she is gonna wake up one morning and realize that she has a lot of pressure on her to be the best person in the world, so that's gotta be rough.  She needs all the help, love and support she can get."
  • Matt-"Blah blah blah blah I get it, Blue Ivy has the coolest parents in the world blah blah...but wanna know who doesn't give a shit about Blue Ivy and her parents?  STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, THAT'S WHO! Austin 3:16 advances to the next round chugging beers and kickin' ass along the way."
  • Winner:  Blue Ivy Carter 4-3.  After his loss, Stone Cold Steve Austin was asked his thoughts on the outcome, to which he replied: 

8. Ryan Gosling vs. Tandem Bicycles: 
  • Christine-"Gosling.  3 words: Crazy.  Stupid.  Love."
  • Andrew-"Gosling is overrated.  I mean, who hasn't hung from poles of a ferris wheel begging a girl for a date?"
  • Matt-"Tough one here.  I really love it when Gosling refuses to eat his cereal, but I'm gonna have to go with tandem bikes because The Ranch put serious consideration into getting one for our senior year and there would have been no stopping us from owning the campus if we did."

  • Kristen-"The Dirty Dancing scene in Crazy Stupid Love.  End of argument.  Gosling."
  • Sixpack-"Tandem bicycles.  I hate those Ryan Gosling memes."
  • Sarah-"Tandem bicycles.  2 is better than one.  If you said Ryan Gosling x2 I would say that as an answer, but you didn't."
  • Sean-"As the founder and current president of 'Team Gosling' my vote is obvious.  I would have loved to see a Tatum vs. Gosling matchup here."
  • Winner: In the biggest upset of the tournament, TANDEM BICYCLES 4-3.  My God. 
Nice Afternoon Ride to the SWEET 16!

9. North Korean Dennis Rodman vs Judge Judy:
Probably telling Rodman to ZIP IT

  • Kristen-"Who gives two poops about Judge Judy????  Gotta go with anyone crazy enough to actually enter North Korea."
  • Christine-"Strongly dislike both so this is a tough one.  I guess Judge Judy is the lesser of two evils."
  • Sarah-"Judge Judy.  I dressed up as her for Halloween and I also started this new bit when people email me annoying things I send a GIF of Judge Judy dramatically rolling her eyes as a response.  So, her."
  • Sean-"It takes guts to go to a communist country and sing happy birthday to an insane Draconian leader, but Judge Judy has been dishing out justice to the masses since '96.  Queen bitch with the gavel takes this one."
  • Sixpack-"North Korean Dennis Rodman.  He's always getting into something whacky.  Let him live!"
  • Andrew-"I'm surprised Kim Jong-Un has yet to dye his hair like a rainbow.  DR has 5 rings, several known and even more unknown STD's, and was once a wrestler in WCW."
  • Winner: Judge Judy, in a contest where no one should win, 4-3. 

10. Will Ferrell vs. Space Jam:
  • Kristen-"I hate you for this match up.  Space Jam????  I don't know the correct answer here."
  • Sixpack-"I love Will but I probably watched Space Jam 1,000 times as a kid.  I used to think I was drinking Michael's secret stuff when I played sports."
  • Matt-"Wow, this is intense.  This one deserves to be a Final 4 matchup.  It's a shame that Space Jam has to go down so early but Ferrell wins because of his depth.  He can go right down his bench filled with All-Americans (movies) who would be starting for any other team in the nation."
  • Christine-"As embarassing as this is, I've never seen Space Jam, but I HATE Will Ferrell so Space Jam it is.  Whats not to like about MJ mixed with Looney Tunes?"
  • Sarah-"Kids of the 90's reference Space Jam all the time like it is so specific to them.  It was all of ours.  We all saw it.  It is not just yours.  No one thinks Will Ferrell is just for them.  Will Ferrell is for everyone and that is understood.  Will Ferrell."
  • Sean-"I really like this matchup.  If Space Jam is on TV I'm watching it no matter what.  Will Ferrell movies just don't have that aura about them.  Plus, Space Jam the video game was rad as fugg.  Space Jam FTW."
  • Winner: Space Jam 5-2, in a real grudge match.  They're both winners, in a way. 
Talkin' Strategy for the Sweet 16

11. Lord Voldemort vs. Leo DiCaprio's Non-existant Oscar:

  • Sean-"If I remember correctly, the prophesy reads '...either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives...'  Only Potter can defeat Voldemort.  Sorry Leo, you'll win one day."
  • Andrew-"Oh, you mean in Titanic 2?  Leo wins."
  • Sarah-"Lord Vold, um, Lor, eh, Lord Voldem...HIM."
  • Sixpack-"I don't care if he hasn't won an oscar...every girl sheds a tear when they see him sink to the bottom of the ocean in Titanic.  Now that's something to be proud of!"
  • Kristen-"They're both losers.  Voldemort was blown up into little tiny pieces though and Leo's nonexistent Oscar still has a chance to become an existant one.  Maybe after Leo bangs a few more chicks though.  Oscar.  Easy."
  • Christine-"Leo always comes first.  Breaks my heart that Leo has never won an Oscar."
  • Winner: Leo's Non-existant Oscar, 5-2.  At least he's winning something!

12. Jason Bourne vs. Sharknado:
  • Andrew-"I don't nkow what Sharknado is.  So Bourne wins."
  • Sean-"Jason 'Born to Kill' Bourne is unstoppable.  A tactical killer who will find a way to destroy you at all costs.  He will find a way to defeat the Sharknado."
  • Kristen-"The Sharknado guy pronounces his name (Ian) "EYE-an"...what a douche.  Jason Bourne would stop a Sharknado before it even happened.  Bourne."
  • Sarah-"Sharknados seem SO REAL.  I am answering Sharknado out of fear, and fear alone."
  • Matt-"Have you see the Bourne movies?  The dude is the best assassin in the world.  I see no way he loses to a few sharks flying around in a tornado.  Like that would ever happen."
  • Winner: Jason Bourne, obviously, 6-1

13. Buffalo Chicken vs. Sir Elton John:
Wait, is he the actual Rocket Man?
  • Sarah-"Both are bold, spicy and I would want them both at any social gathering.  Buffalo chicken, though."
  • Sixpack-"Buffalo chicken.  This goes back to Wings and Things in good ol' Riverside.  Nothing against Elton John."
  • Sean-"I love Elton's style, music, and legacy.  Buffalo chicken goes great with most things, especially ranch dressing.  Really difficult choice here.  I have to say Sir Elton in OT.  Buffalo wings would have changed the matchup entirely."
  • Christine-"Buff Chick obviously.  Golden Crust would be lost without it."
  • Andrew-"I fully expect to turn gay for a few moments during his Bonnaroo performance in June.  And luckily none of my friends will be there to remind me of it."
  • Kristen-"Elton John puts on a killer concert but buffalo chicken puts on a killer concert in my mouth whenever I damn want.  Buff chick."
  • Matt-"With all due respect to the great Elton John, buffalo chicken has saved my life more times than I can ever remember and I am forever grateful."
  • Winner: Buffalo Chicken 5-2.  Hold me closer, tiny buffalo. 

14. The Royal Baby vs. Beyonce's Surfbort:
Nice dress, Nerd.

  • Christine-"The Royal Baby.  Even though he and Kate ruined my chances of ever marrying Prince William."
  • Andrew-"The baby will be loaded and popular regardless of choice.  Beyonce earned hers.  I vote, the booty."
  • Sarah-"Beyonce's surfboard is Jay-Z.  I like Jay-Z because I know more about him because he is an adult that has done things and not a small baby that has not done that much stuff yet.  So, Beyonce's Surfboard."
  • Matt-"I'm not even gonna get into Beyonce's Surfbort.  The Royal Baby wins on formality."
  • Sean-"A double diaper dandy!  Serfbort is just too good.  One word changing a generation."
  • Kristen-"What?  Royal baby.  Guy was a legend the second the sperm hit the egg.  Only other person who can say that is Blue Ivy.  That should be your next round matchup.  Make the judges squirm."
  • Sixpack-"Surfbort.  I don't really know what this is but I'll take it.  The royal wedding/baby was just too much for me."
  • Winner: Beyonce's Surfbort 4-3

15. President Calvin Coolidge vs. The Song From Titanic:
  • Matt-"Silent Cal is a good guy.  Reasons for why he wins?  Apparently he enjoyed eating pancakes and he's a New Englander.  Just like me."
  • Christine-"Celine Dion is phenomenal, as is this song, as is Leo in Titanic."
  • Sean-"I'm giving the 'cool edge' to Coolidge.  Get it!?"
  • Kristen-"Two extremely important parts of American history....and this song is more memorable. Celine."
  • Andrew-"Calvin gave the assist to Hoover, setting up the Great Depresseion.  So yeah, the greatest middle school dance song of all time wins."
  • Sixpack-"My Heart Will Go On.  Tell me you haven't hit the high notes in this song before!"
  • Sarah-"I spent a weekend learning 'My Heart Will Go On' on a keyboard in my basement when I was younger.  SENTIMENTAL STUFF."
  • Winner: Song from Titanic goes on, 5-2. Sorry Cal. So much for my pick for a Cinderella story. 
Cal was disappointed, but was happy with his parting gift of an Indian Headdress. 

16. Bill Murray vs. Superbad:
  • Sixpack-"A classic guy vs a classic movie.  Bill is great, we all know...but Superbad is a gem.  Every line is perfect.  Let em' party!"
  • Sarah-"Bill Murray was supposedly in a bar the same time I was once.  But, he left before I saw him.  He is sneaky and beautiful.  I spent the rest of my time asking the bouncer if he 'really left.'.  Him."
  • Andrew-"Bill Murray may look old as balls, but he will go down as one of the greatest comedians of all time.  Sorry Jules."
  • Sean-"Bill Murray.  Rushmore."
  • Christine-"Superbad.  Fogell really entertained me."
  • Matt-"Similar to Ferrell vs. Space Jam.  Murray has the depth needed for a deep tournament run but sometimes the bench guys just don't show up to play.  Ever since Superbad has come out, there probably hasn't been a week that has gone by that my friends or myself haven't quoted it.  It's a timeless classic.  Even though Murray received a slight push with his PBR pants he wore the other day, Superbad wins."
  • Winner: Bill Murray 4-3 
No one can lose in PBR pants. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Pop Culture Madness! Round 1

Back in high school, my buddy Anthony Leonardo created March Madness brackets involving random people and things.  We'd sit around in class or lunch or whatever and debate which competitor should move on to the next round and why.  The reasons could be for anything at all.  I remember one instance where The Milkman won a whole tournament based on the argument that he slept with (insert competitor here)'s wife.  It's a fun way to pass time, and I found myself making my own brackets just out of sheer boredom.  This year I have decided to do this in terms of Pop Culture, and asked 5 panelists to weigh in and pick winners for each matchup.  I will need more panelists to chime in on rounds 2-7, so anyone who wants in, just shoot me a text and I'll send you the bracket.  I'd like to thank "Ravishing" Ryan Urkiel, Jake "Lefty" Pirri, Jenna "The Polish Princess" Borkoski, Dancin' Dan Allen, and my sworn twitter enemy Victoria "Hot Lava" Parella.  Below, you will see each matchup, the votes and some responses from the panelists on why they picked their winner.  These matchups were picked randomly from a hat, and there is no real seeding.  Hope you all enjoy, and start placing your bets.

1. The Cop That Arrested Justin Bieber vs. Fez from That 70's Show-

  • Danny-"The fact that Obama hasn't taken this opportunity to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday and name it after Officer Steven Cosner tells you all you need to know about his administration."
  • Jenna-"Fez.  The last I heard the cop may have fabricated evidence of the Biebs actually drag racing."
  • Tori-"Fez.  He's been closer to Ashton <3 .="" li="">
  • Jake-"I hate both of these so much, but without that cop, we don't have the priceless Bieber interrogation tape, so I have to pick him.  Fuck Fez."
  • Winner: Fez 3-2

2. Skrillex's Haircut vs. OJ Simpson's Glove-

  • Danny-"OJ's stupid glove defense launched the Kardashian Empire."
  • Jake-"OJ's glove is the exact reason why we know OJ is innocent.  Biggest frame job ever, man is a saint."
  • Jenna-"Skrillex's hair.  At least it gets to travel the world, OJ's glove is probably in police storage somewhere."
  • Winner: OJ Simpson's Glove 3-2

3. Neville Longbottom vs. John Stamos-

  • Urk- "Stamos has some sweet flow, I'll give him that, but it doesn't come close to Neville Longbottom kicking the shit out of Nagini in Book 7."
  • Jenna-"Stamos.  The man keeps on getting better with age.  Plus I'm sure he's got yogurt sales on the rise too."
  • Tori-"Neville Longbottom because I love a good underdog success story."
  • Jake-"'There are all kinds of courage,' said Dumbledore, smiling.  'It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.  I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."
  • Winner: Neville Longbottom 3-2

4. The Other 4 Guys From *NSYNC vs. Bald Britney Spears-

  • Danny-"Britney. 'It's always darkest before the dawn.'"
  • Tori-"Bald Britney preferably holding the umbrella mid paparazzi attack if I had to choose but ideally I'd pick bald Britney as a 5th obsolete member of *NSYNC."
  • Jenna-"The 90's gUrL in me is torn, but I like *NSYNC as a total package more than Britney right before she went under conservation ship, even if JT is missing."
  • Winner: Bald Britney Spears 3-2

5. Edward Snowden vs. North West-

  • Urk- "I'm going with Snowden, South-East is a cooler direction anyway."
  • Jenna-"Snowden.  I mean, he had his own panel at SXSW.  What has North West done this year other than having a name of a defunct airline?"
  • Jake-"North West, in spite of her mother deserving to burn in hell for eternity.  I just couldn't give less of a shit about Snowden."
  • Winner: Edward Snowden 3-2

6. Daniel Bryan's YES!!!! Chant vs. Parallel Parking-

  • Urk-"I think Jim Kirwan placing Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant against Parallel Parking is part of some sick, evil, conniving plan to make sure it wins this tournament.  Touche Jim, you sick fuck. I'm sure Marge and Bins will love this."
  • EDITOR-"No comment."
  • Danny-"YES! YES! YES!"
  • Jake-"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! I'm taking Daniel Bryan strictly because breaking out the yes chant provides instant camaraderie and is obnoxious (in a good way).  However parallel parking is how we distinguish men from women, unless there's some other way I don't know about."
  • Tori-"Tough choice, but the YES Chant costs less for my insurance."
  • Jenna-"YES!!! YES YES YES!"
  • Winner: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 5-0

7. Skeeter Valentine vs. an Actual Arcade on Fire-

  • Jake-"Skeeter, only Nickelodeon could get away with being so racist as to making someone who is supposed to be black a shade of blue/purple.
  • Jenna-"Skeeter, such a quintessential wingman."
  • Urk-"What's cool about arcades being on fire?  Nothing.  What's cool about Skeeter Valentine?  He's green."
  • Tori-"Skeeter Valentine.  No explanation needed."
  • Winner: Skeeter Valentine 4-1

8. Hot Air Balloons vs. Paris Hilton's DJ Career-

  • Danny-"My hypothetical dream date."
  • Tori-"Paris Hilton Djing a hot air balloon ride.  But if I have to pick, Paris Hilton because I'm terrified of heights."
  • Jenna-"Out of all respect to all DJs, I have to pick Hot Air Balloons."
  • Jake-"Choosing to ignore the 'DJ career' and going with Hilton, because A) she remains one of my all time Hollywood 'wild cards' and B) we've all already seen what she can do with a penis.
  • Winner: Paris Hilton's Dj Career 3-2

9. Amanda Bynes' Twitter Meltdown vs. the new Filet-o-Fish song-

  • Urk-"I'm picking Amanda Bynes because she kept me intrigued enough to read about 20 minutes worth of her tweets."
  • Tori-"Amanda Bynes all the way.  'I want Drake to murder my vagina.' Enough said."
  • Danny-"It's Lent.  Let me know how hell is, heathens."
  • Jenna-"Bynes, for having the balls to start so many passive aggressive fights via twitter."
  • Winner: Amanda Bynes on Twitter 4-1

10. Jaden Smith's Acting vs. George Clooney in Space-

  • Urk-"Jaden smith, I have a bone to pick with you.  If you ever, ever think you can be better than the great Ralph Macchio then we are going to have major problems."
  • Jenna-"Clooney.  Tina Fey said it better than I could ever say it, "It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."  At least he's consistent."
  • Tori-"Jaden Smith because a lack of gravity in space wouldn't allow Clooney to whip his hair back and forth."
  • Winner: Clooney in Space 3-2
11. The Chick from the Wendy's Commercials vs. Kel Mitchell-

  • Danny-"Real Wendy was too ugly for TV :-/"
  • Urk-"Kel created the secret sauce for the Good Burger and helped uncover the mystery of the Mondo Burger.  What have you done stupid girl from the Wendy's commercials?  You'll never live up to this great man:
  • Jake-"Another brutal one, both deserve the second round, but I'm taking Kel becasue as sneaky hot the redhead is, she's super fucking annoying."
  • Tori-"Kelly Mitchell hands down because she's adorable and a fellow BVB."
  • Jenna-"Whooo loves orange soda??  Kel loves orange soda."
  • Winner: Kel Mitchell 5-0

12. Juan Pablo vs. Gingers-

  • Urk-"I really hope God provides endless amounts of hair dye and booze for eternity in heaven.  however, I just need Juan Pablo to stick around until the next round so I can dissect him a little more.  More to follow next round.  It will be a dandy."
  • Tori-"Gingers because even they're less douchy than Juan Pablo these days.  Also, Prince Harry <3 .="" li="">
  • Danny-"This is assuming Jameson is being mixed with the ginger."
  • Jenna-"Based on the high ratio of gingers in my life, I've got to pick the gingers."
  • Winner: Gingers, in an upset, 4-1

13. Tim Tebow's Virginity vs. Blue Ivy Carter-

  • Danny-"Left-handed and no luck with women? It's like looking in the mirror."
  • Tori-"Blue Ivy Carter.  Her parents are legends, she's probably like leading the Illuminati and can't even talk yet and Tim Tebow's virginity is a fraud (I suspect T Swift)."
  • Jake-"Taking Blue Ivy because of Jay-Z and in spite of Beyonce being the most overrated person ever."
  • Jenna-"Blue Ivy.  Something tells me she'll lose her virginity waaaayyy before Tebow ever will."
  • Winner: Blue Ivy Carter 4-1

14. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Guy Fieri-
American Hero.
  • Danny-"This is a 1-16 matchup and the 16 seed has frosted tips."
  • Urk-"The Stone Cold Stunner."
  • Jake-"Guy here, the man is priceless between being a 100% douche and sexually harassing women off camera during every episode of Diners, Drive Ins and Dives."
  • Jenna-"On name recognition alone, I'm taking Guy."
  • Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin 3-2 (this one was way closer than it should've been.)

15. Ryan Goseling vs. Gangnam Style-

  • Jake-"GOSELING. No one has ever been a bigger baller than that man in Crazy, Stupid, Love."
  • Danny-"Psy hates America.  Ipso facto, he sucks."
  • Tori-"Is this even a question?  RYAN GOSELING."
  • Jenna-"Ryan Goseling."
  • Winner: Ryan Goseling 5-0

16. Tandem Bicycles vs. Hipsters-
Good, clean fun.
  • Jenna-"Which came first, the tandem bicycle or the hipster?  Tandem bikes."
  • Danny-"I didn't move to the LES for tandem bikes."
  • Tori-"Tandem bicycles hands down.  They're energy efficient, great for building cooperation skills while saving the environment, and also way less annoying and probably smell better."
  • Jake-"Tandem bikes by default.  Hipsters blow."
  • Winner: Tandem Bicycles 4-1

17. Vladimir Putin vs. North Korean Dennis Rodman-

  • Urk-"Now some of you may think Rodman is a complete moron, and you're absolutely right.  However, him going to North Korea allowed all Americans to see the crazy/amazing basketball rules of the North Korean basketball league: slam dunks are worth 3 points, field goals in the final three minutes of the game are worth 8 points, 3 pointers are wroth 4 if the ball doesn't touch the rim, and a point is deducted for missed free throws."
  • Tori-"Vladimir Putin.  He's Russian so he's very in these days post Olympics.  Also his face is similar to an ostrich.  Dennis Rodman is irrelevant enough in a country of free press."
  • Jake-"Rodman.  I'll take the Worm over that commie bastard any day."
  • Jenna-"Lose-lose either way, but I think Dennis Rodman is the way to go.  He's been far more pacifist than Putin."
  • Winner: Dennis Rodman 3-2

18. Judge Judy vs. The South Bend Shovel Slayer (Old Man from Home Alone)-

  • Jenna-"Somewhat os a career inspiration: Judge Judy."
  • Jake-"South Bend Shovel Slayer.  He's a hero."
  • Tori-"Judge Judy, she calls it like it is.  She's like the whiter, older, frumpier Beyonce of the law world.  Also I don't remember Home Alone."
  • Winner: Judge Judy, in an upset, 3-2

19. Will Ferrel vs. Sippin' on Gin n Juice-

  • Jake-"Ferrell.  Simply too many great Will Ferrell characters to overcome for a classic jam."
  • Jenna-"I love my gin so I'm taking the upset here.  Sippin' on Gin n Juice."

  • Tori-"Sippin on gin n juice.  Snoop is my homie."
  • Winner: Will Ferrell 3-2

20. Space Jam vs. Racist Paula Deen-

  • Danny-"Space Jam brought PEDs into pop culture.  Paula just wanted blacks to serve whites in 'Southern-style' events."
  • Jake-"Space Jam is unstoppable.  Recently watched it and still provides the same entertainment level as when I was a kid.  Case closed."
  • Tori-"Racist Paula Deen.  She just wants everyone to be fat and happy.  I maintain that she throws out 'N****' as a term of endearment..."

  • Winner: Space Jam 3-2

21. Lord Voldemort vs. Carly Rae Jepsen-

  • Urk-"Got to give credit to a guy who is willing to split his soul into 7 pieces in order to live forever.  Too bad an eleven year old kid fucked it all up for him.  Oh well, I still have more respect for him than Carly Rae."
  • Jenna-"Ms. Jepsen is known for what was probably the second most popular anthem of our senior year of college."
  • Danny-"Bit of an anti-Canada theme in this bracket, if you ask me."
  • Tori-"He Who Must Not Be Named.  Carly Rae Jepsen sucks almost as hard as Jim Kirwan does.  Fuck Carly Rae Jepsen.  And James Kirwan."  
  • Jake-"Originally picked LV here, but Call Me Maybe wins the nostalgia of senior year.  Plus Steve Sheridan's dance to this is one of my favorites."
  • Winner: Voldemort 3-2 :-( 

22. Charmander vs. Leo DiCaprio's Oscar-

  • Urk-"I was always a Jigglypuff fan.  I think a certain person hopefully reading this blow will find this extremely funny."
  • Tori-" Anything with the word Leo in it automatically wins.  Next year is the year."
  • Danny-"It's crazy how DiCaprio hasn't won an Oscar and doesn't advance to the second round.  Life isn't fair."  EDITOR'S NOTE: Sorry, Dan.
  • Jenna-"Leo.  Still haven't gotten over his Oscar loss.  #hewasrobbed."
  • Winner: Leo DiCaprio's Non-existant Oscar 3-2

23. Jason Bourne vs. Canada-
Is this a tandem bicycle?
  • Danny-"I look like Jason Bourne.  Think about it."
  • Jenna-"JB.  We've got the same initials, plus people are still pretty pissed over Canada's Olympic performances."
  • Tori-"I dont know who Jason Bourne is, sooooooo Canada."
  • Jake-"Bourne.  Anytime you can beat Canada, you have an obligation to as an American."
  • Winner: Jason Bourne 3-2, also way closer than it should've been. 

24. Flo from Progressive vs. Sharknado-

  • Urk-"Flo's a bitch."
  • Tori-"Flo from Progressive, she's one sassy bitch."
  • Jenna-"While Sharknado may be a fad from 2013, Flo's been around for years.  She's got the pop culture corner covered."
  • Jake-"I hope a fucking Sharknado kills Flo, she is the worst thing on TV, and cringeworthy every time."
  • Winner: Sharknado 3-2

25. Nickelback's Greatest Hits CD vs. Buffalo Chicken-

  • Jake-"Buffalo Chicken, even though I could belt out Photograph (shamefully)."
  • Jenna-"Buff chick."
  • Tori-"Is this a joke?  Buffalo chicken.  Fuck you Nickelback."
  • Winner: Buffalo Chicken, in a landslide, 5-0

26. Kate Upton's Lovely Pair of Eyes vs. Elton John-

  • Danny-"I've never actually seen what Kate Upton's eyes look like."
  • Jake-"Upton is the most overrated girl of all time, and Elton is a music God.  Elton times a million."
  • Tori-"Elton John.  He's like a candle in the wind.  And Kate Upton is overrated. 
  • Winner: Elton John 5-0

27. The Royal Baby vs. Monica Lewinsky-

  • Urk-"Without Monica Lewinsky we probably wouldn't have the @PimpBillClinton twitter handle and that would be a far great travesty than the Royal Family never having an heir."
  • Jenna-"Prince George Alexander Louis.  Monica totally wanted her own version of the royal baby, but all she got was a stained dress and a high dry cleaning bill."
  • Tori-"The Royal Baby.  That dude only had to breathe and like exist to cause world side commotion and be awesome."
  • Winner: The Royal Baby, in a slight upset, 3-2

28. Beyonce's Surfbort vs. My Little Pony-

  • Danny-"This should have been a play-in game."
  • Jake-"Surfbort, if only because it's fun to scream obnoxiously while drunk or hungover."
  • Jenna-"Even when Beyonce does wrong, she can still do no wrong."
  • Winner: Beyonce's Surfbort 5-0

29. A Warm Can of Keystone vs. President Calvin Coolidge-

  • Urk-"Calvin Coolidge is a great American.  Real men drink Natty lights."
  • Jake-"Keystone.  I can't get drunk off Coolidge."
  • Tori-"Gonna go with good ol' silent Cal.  He lays kinda low as far as presidents go, and I think it's his time to shine.  Also warm Keystone brings back bad freshman year frat party memories."
  • Jenna-"I'm sorry but this one is a no brainer.  I'm keeping cool with my favorite president (who shares a birthday with my dear pal Jimothy) on this one."
  • Danny-"Keystone is more American than a former President.  Also, warm beer allows its true flavor to really open up.  That's why everyone drinks Coors Lights as cold as possible."
  • Winner: President Calvin Coolidge, a true underdog, 3-2

30. The Song from Titanic vs. Lamar Odom's Crackpipe-

  • Danny-"1999 Atlantic Ten Champion Lamar Odom's Crackpipe*****."
  • Tori-"The Titanic Song.  Classic.  (Moment of silence for Khlamar)."
  • Urk-"You married the ugly Kardashian.  You had to know this was coming to you bro."
  • Jake-"Odom's crackpipe, because ironically he's the first person to benefit from smoking crack, as it released him from the Yeti.  Wait, Khloe Kardashian isn't a Yeti?"
  • Jenna-"Titanic.  If LamLam keeps using his crack pipe, his heart will not be going on much longer.  Also, if you have all the money in the world, why choose crack over cocaine?"
  • Winner: The song from Titanic 3-2.  This surprised me. 

31. Bill Murray vs. Taco Bell's Breakfast Menu-

  • Urk-"Only one man can fight off ghosts and play basketball with Michael Jordan in one lifetime."
  • Tori-"Gonna go with Bill Murray because I'm like the one person in this world who hates Taco Bell."
  • Danny-"Taco Bell for breakfast is a slippery, slippery slope."
  • Jake-"Murray.  The man's latest contribution to the world is letting us know to drink champagne over ice, as the ice melts it will slowly hydrate you to avoid the dreaded champagne hangover.  We'd be fucked without Bill."
  • Winner: Bill Murray 5-0, as it should be. 

32. Bryan Cranston vs. Super Bad-

  • Danny-"I wasn't impressed by Breaking Bad but I laughed the whole way through Super Bad.  Does that make me a child?  Maybe.  Luckily for me, the funny thing about opinions is that I'm never wrong."
  • Tori-"Super Bad.  I love me some McLovin.  Also I don't know who Bryan Cranston is..."
  • Jake-"Super Bad.  I quoted it this morning and will continue to quote it for life.  I don't give a shit about Walter White."
  • Jenna-"Mr. Walter White and Hal all day baby."
  • Winner: Super Bad 4-1