Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Jukebox Heroes

Before we start, I do have some news. For my 20th birthday on July 4th, my parents got me one of my favorite presents of all time, the domain for my very own Breakfast at Jimothy's website. This means that in the near future, I'll have my very own website instead of this blog run through blogspot. This also means that I'm a big deal and have accomplished something important in my life. It's pretty exciting for me, but I will have to set aside some time to set up the website and all that fun stuff. It'll be a good time and I'll hopefully be able to sell tshirts through the site and maybe get a few other people to join me with writing their thoughts on pop culture and other random things. Okay, now for the real part of the blog.

I've been to many concerts over the past five years or so. After seeing Weezer this past week with Chuck Wescott, my goodtime pal and favorite person going into Junior year of high school Eric Towne gave me the idea of blogging about concerts, so I'm taking it one step farther and I'm going to describe the 6 types of people that we all see at concerts. I've been to many concerts in many places, and I've seen the majority of these types of people around. Let's begin.

The Bad Ass Mosh Pitters- These are the kids who hate their parents and have nothing better to do than release their anger and frustrations by shoving and hitting kids in a giant circle surrounded by crowds of people who are just trying to avoid them. These kids are just out of their minds. You can often find them at concerts for bands like My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, Rise Against, Brand New, Senses Fail, just to name a few. A basic rule of thumb is the more screaming and angst the band has, the more hardcore the moshpits will be. It's never a good thing when you see a group of 6 kids wearing bandanas over their mouth and nose like they belong in a wild west movie push through a crowd and make a bee line to the nearest moshpit. You just know that these kids are looking for some brave nerds to bash, smash and trash. These kids are pretty annoying at concerts, and although its sort of a rush to go in a moshpit for about 5 seconds, most of it is nonsense.

The Stoners- Yesh, the druggies that always seem like they're on their own planet. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this started (like the downfall of most things) in the 1960's. Stoners can be fun at times to watch at concerts, because most of them just sorta sway back and forth and dance by themselves. My first true experience seeing Stoners at a concert was at the Red Hot Chili Peppers show at the Boston Garden. We were in the cheap seats (even though in this case the cheap seats were $70) and myself and Chris Rizzini were seated next to two guys who can only be described as looking like Gothic Jay and Silent Bob. These guys had to be on Mushrooms or LSD or something. The Mars Volta were the opening band and these two guys were ready to drop a few tabs and go on a magical voyage with purple cats and unicorns, since all they did was dance by moving their hips in a circle while standing up by themselves to the Mars Volta jamming out. They didn't even stay for the Chili Peppers, which is hard to believe but true. Stoners can be found at any Grateful Dead, Dave Matthews, Snoop Dogg, 311, Sublime or Spice Girls concert. Most stoners will look like your average sketchy drug dealer, they really aren't that hard to spot out.

Concert Couples- There is a time and a place for concerts being dates. For instance, when I saw Taking Back Sunday a few weeks ago, I could never imagine myself being there with my girlfriend (don't worry, I'm still single ladies, this is just hypothetical). There's just too much pushing and shoving and random grabbing going on cause everyone is up by the stage. On the other hand, I would take a date to Weezer, like I did with Chuck, only it would've been alright to take a female instead of Chuck (you were a fine date anyways Chuck), because Weezer is more of a happy band and there are not as many angry people there, it's more of a fun time. If you see Bad Ass Mosh Pitters there, you probably shouldn't bring your girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I respect girls who go to Taking Back Sunday, Brand New and Rise Against concerts, if a girl can hold her own at one of those shows they she'll score some brownie points, but these type of shows are just not first date material. I can just see myself in a year bringing some girl on our first date to see Against Me! and watching my date lose a shoe in a mosh pit, get elbowed in the face, and then lose her for good when she goes crowd surfing. Concert couples can be dangerous due to the situation, so be careful for anyone you see holding hands.

The Slightly Intoxicated Parents Reliving Their Glory Days- This is a classic type of concert goer. In fact, I actually saw a good number of these people this past weekend at this festival where there were tribute bands of KISS, Aerosmith, Jimi Hendrix and others of my parents generation's fan favorites. These are the people who just get drunk and dance very similar to the Stoners. Since dancing wasn't invented in the 60's and 70's, these people don't know how to dance properly, so at concerts they just stand up, bend one knee at a time and wave their arms. It looks more like a voodoo ritual than dancing, but it's what they do. The majority of these people are at concerts in open areas where you can bring lawn chairs. They can be see at concerts by bands like the Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendr.......dammit all of these people are dead, so actually it's at concerts by COVER bands of the Doors, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and barely alive bands such as Aerosmith, The Rolling Stones, and if Led Zeppelin ever got back together for good and toured. These people just like to forget the fact that they've gotten fat, married and have had children and just want to party like it's 1977, so they have a few Daddy Sodas, try to text their children to go play in dirt and get ready for some fake Steven Tyler to serenade them for the night. One last note, the dance moves performed by these people can only be compared to one of those Whacky Inflatable Arms Guys you see on the side of the road at grand opening of car dealerships and places similar. For further guidance for what I'm trying to explain, just click this link here.

The Barricade Huggers- These are the lucky sons of bitches who wait in line 16 hours before the doors open for whatever the concert they're attending is scheduled. These people are dedicated since they have to stand up holding a barrier getting squished through all the crappier opening bands, and they are an arms length away from the normally large bouncers who have the duty of keeping the crowd surfers from landing on concrete. These people normally like to tell whoever singer the have a crush on that they love them and want to have his children and think they can be heard and that the person they're shouting at cares. These people can be inconsiderate at times, by doing things like kicking backwards to the person behind them's shins, throwing elbows, and like this one rather stout girl at the Taking Back Sunday show, hip check about 5 people at once and send them flying (I've been a victim of all of these things). They like feeling special that they are against the barricade, and try their hardest to catch guitar picks, drum sticks, set lists and other items from the band. Oh and they also hate the next type of concert goers A LOT.

The Mover Uppers- This is my specialty. I am the king of mover uppers at concerts. So many people have doubted me and time and time again I shut them up. These are the people who have floor seats but are in the middle of the crowd, but midway through the set they are in the 2nd row of people, only behind the Barricade Huggers. There is a long standing feud between the Mover Uppers and the Barricade Huggers. We Mover Uppers are masters of squeezing inbetween people to get closer to the stage. I've had to jump over people tying shoes, tap people on the shoulder to get them to look the other way so I can go around them, and dash through moshpits to clear about 7 rows of people just to get closer. How good of a Mover Upper am I? To date, I've caught a guitar pick from Taking Back Sunday, Brand New, 2 from Third Eye Blind, Simple Plan, Motion City Soundtrack, and one setlist from Taking Back Sunday. Also one half empty bottle of water from Anberlin, which was needed pretty badly to be honest. We are assholes, us Mover Uppers, because we are relentless and stop at nothing besides the barricade, but thats only because the big buff bouncers are in our way from the stage. At this past Taking Back Sunday show, I caught a setlist, and my dear friends Wade Zawatsky and Kyle Towne caught the lead singer after he did a front flip off stage. Being a mover upper has it's perks, but it can be dangerous at times.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up for concert goers. I hope that everyone who reads this can relate to these types of people and have learned to love, hate or become one of them. I also want to apologize for not blogging in a while. Honestly I just haven't had any good topics to blog about. This will soon change.

Proud to be serving you breakfast through words, and prouder to be a Friar,

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Who Where How Long When Why?

It seems that the world has been waiting for LeBron James to make up his mind for months. This summer is the biggest summer for free agents for basketball and even hockey. People who don't even normally care about sports, from the girls in Mrs. Smiths 2nd grade English class to my Mother knows that this summer is a big deal in the world of sports. Everyone who is breathing pretty much knows that players such as LeBron, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and now Paul Pierce are looking to go on the move, but no one knows exactly where. I've decided to answer these questions, along with other people who are free agents who you might not have realized.

LeBron James- All we ever hear is about how much of a freak of nature LeBron is. We hear things like he would be playing in the NFL if he weren't in the NBA and that he's solid at every single sport. I'm going to call out King James and tell him to try hockey. It just so happens that the Columbus Blue Jackets need more scoring, and considering that LeBron plays both defense and can put up a lot of points is something the Blue Jackets need. Also, LeBron can stay close to Cleveland, and the great state of Ohio won't have to worry about losing him.

Ilya Kovalchuk- He might not be a big name to most of you because 1. He plays hockey and B. He's Russian and not a James Bond villain, but he is a big deal in the free agent market of the NHL. Basically the man just scores goals and then lets the rest of his team play defense. He'll want as much money as possible and when no one gives him a contract to become the richest Russian ever, he'll go back to the Motherland and sign with the Moscow Dynamo for 12 Rubels.

Mick Jagger- Yes, the frontman for the Rolling Stones. I mean sure he's British but this dude has been wanting to be American for years. Actually, he's done so many drugs that it wouldn't surprise me if he now thinks that he was born in Detroit or something. There is no doubt that he will sign with the United States of America in the near future. After seeing him in the luxury box with "Wild" Bill Clinton for the USA/Ghana world cup game, it pretty much sealed the deal. If anyone can convince you to become American, it's gotta be Bill Clinton. Welcome to America Mick, now hang up your Union Jack flag and buy the ol' stars and stripes flag and get ready for a wild July 4th on Sunday.

Steve Carell- This past week, Steve Carell basically said that the upcoming season of The Office will be his last one as Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch Manager Michael Scott. I have a strong feeling that he'll sign with 30 Rock to play Tina Fey's long lost brother. Also, don't be shocked if he signs on for the next Pirates of the Carribean movie. Anything he does after The Office will be okay for him, because we all know that he can't do any worse than Evan Almighty.

Chris Bosh- He'll just follow LeBron wherever he goes. This of course means that he will be signing with the Columbus Blue Jackets a day after LeBron does. The city of Toronto will be furious with the fact that not only did the Raptors lose their only notable basketball player, but he signs with one of the worst hockey franchises ever and not with the beloved Maple Leafs. Interesting note: by signing James and Bosh, the Columbus Blue Jackets will be the first team to have more than one African Amercian player on one hockey team.

The Taco Bell Dog- In a shocking turn of events, the Taco Bell Dog that we all came to adore in the 90's will sign a 10 year contract with Burger King. The Taco Bell Dog has been looking for a job for a few years now after holding out for a richer contract, but times are desperate and he will sign with Burger King and try to lose his Mexican accent. Mucho Caliente, Amigos!

Amanda Bynes- After shocking the world by retiring from acting at the ripe old age of 24, Amanda Bynes will realize in about 15 months that she can't do anything else and come back in What A Girl Wants 2. Since she's been acting since she was in the womb, she has no other skills and she's too old to go back to high school. This retirement will make all of Michael Jordan and Roger Clemens' retirements look a lot longer than what they were.

Justin Bieber- Once puberty hits, this kid is screwed. Justin Bieber will soon sign a huge contract with the female sex. That's right, he'll officially become a girl. He really won't have much else going for him after puberty, and soon enough, girls will lose interest in him. Factor in the fact that all males on earth hate the little twirp will make him want to turn into a woman, which are the only people on earth who appreciate him currently. He'll also have some contract offers from secret societies for child actors who just got weird once they became grownups, such as Macaulay Caulkin, Jesse McCartney, Gary Colem....whoops, and the kid from Stewart Little.

Dwayne Wade- He's staying in Miami.

Ryan Gomes- Yes, the greatest basketball player from Providence College was waived by the Trail Blazers in some bullshit deal so they can make room to sign James, Bosh or Wade which we already know won't happen. Ryan Gomes will decide to go to the one team that loved him the most: Providence College. That's right, Ryan Gomes is going to sign a 5 year contract with Providence College to save the basketball team he once had to save already back in 2001.

Simon Cowell- Sure, he left American Idol and it was a big deal, but it will be a bigger deal when he joins Joe Rogan and Jeff Probst to host and judge American Fear Factor Survivor. AFFS is going to be the first singing show where 12 contestants have to eat disgusting things and do gross things while writing their own songs on a deserted island.

The State of Delaware- C'mon. Delaware is just about everyone's least favorite state and is by far the most forgotten. At least Rhode Island can say we're the smallest state in the nation. Delaware has to settle for 2nd smallest, and no one likes that. It's like how Wrigley Field is America's 2nd oldest ballpark behind Fenway Park. Delaware has to consider the fact that no one cares about them, and they are going to sign a 3 year contract to just become a part of Maryland. Yes, it'll be a shame that the 1st state will be merging with another state that it borders with, but at least people won't have to remember Delaware when playing the 'Name all 50 States" Game on Sporcle.

Snooki- Enjoy it now, Princess of Poughkeepsie, the 2nd season of Jersey Shore comes out later this month, and after that you're right back to being a nobody. Let's face it, DJ Pauly D is the only one with a bright future after the show ends because he's a DJ and at least he can perform at clubs and make music. What is Snooki going to do? She'll only be able to do so many paid apperances at clubs before she turns into a complete nobody, so she'll turn to a place she'll truly fit in: a carnival. Look for Snooki to join a carnival to be the woman in the Dunk Tank. The contract will be a 3 year deal worth about 5 spray tans a week and a couple of new Ed Hardy dresses per year.

Paul Pierce- My favorite Celtic of all time (only because Larry Bird retired when I was like two) just said he's going to become a free agent, most likely to get a new contract. He's gonna stay in Boston. Everyone else in the league considers him a cry baby and fakes injuries and are just simply annoyed by him. Therefore he'll just get a bigger contract from the Celtics and everyone will be happy.

Terrell Owens- It's not that surprising that no team wants him considering the fact that he's a jackass, so he'll sign with any team that wants him. He'll sign a 1 year contract with the Washington Redskins sometime in July. He'll also be on Dancing With the Stars two seasons from now.

Kel Mitchell- Not to be confused with the lovely Kelly Mitchell, I'm talking about Kel from Keenan and Kel. Apparently he became a rapper and was in a Sprite commercial recently, but he needs to make a comeback. His boy Keenan is on Saturday Night Live (barely), but Kel hasn't done all that much since All That and the Keenan and Kel Show. I mean it only makes sense that Kel signs a contract with either Orange Crush or Fanta to promote Orange Soda. It would be so easy, all he would have to do is say the only line that people remember him by anyways "Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda, I do I do I dooo-ooo-ooooo!" (thanks to Tom Airozo for suggesting Kel, here's your shoutout Tomboy)

Allen Iverson- Everyone misses A.I. The man was the face of Philadelphia for years. He made it always sunny in Philadelphia. It's a shame that The Answer had to retire under strange circumstances. He still has game and will sign a 1 year deal with the Phillies to be a pinch runner.

Captain Planet- The lamest superhero of all time will never get his own movie, but there is one thing he could do: clean up this oil spill caused by BP. In his first challenge since like the 80's, he will sign a contract with the United Nations to take on his most fearsome and realistic foe, BP and clean up the mess they made. Remember, the Power is Yours!...actually it's his if he's going to clean that spill up.

Needless to say the free agent market this year is pretty crazy. It'll be an interesting summer with plenty of twists and turns. I just hope the Captain Planet deal goes through.