Friday, November 27, 2009

The Christmas Shoes

It's officially the holiday season, which normally means that many people will be either A. extremely happy or 2. extremely depressed. I've felt both of these during the past few Christmases, but that's besides the point. Speaking of extremely depressing, let's take a look at one of the worst songs ever written. The Christmas Shoes is without a doubt the most depressing, nonsensical and awful songs ever written. I can't tell if it's a good thing its a Christmas song or not. Being a Christmas song, it's only played for 2 months out of the year, which is more than enough in my opinion, on the other hand, it's a Christmas song yet it's so depressing it would make Jack Bauer cry. I'm going to absolutely tear this song to pieces, so if you're easily offended or think that it's a cute song, be prepared to keep reading, because you'll be offended and/or realize that it is a stupid song.

Now to be fair, I will admit that I'm not a fan of Christmas music. I never really was, and I don't really have a reason for it. Now I know for a fact that my great roommate Matt Rizzini thorougly enjoys Xmas music and will be playing as much as possible in the dorm to 1. indulge himself and B. to piss me off. Last year I managed and just tried to ignore the music, but when the Christmas Shoes came on, I would have to leave the room. Now onto the Christmas Shoes, for those of you who don't really know what I'm talking about, it's pretty much a song about a little boy who goes out and buys his dying mother a pair of shoes that she liked around Christmas time. There are so many things wrong with this song that I can feel myself getting sick just thinking about it. I'll do a numbered list of reasons why I hate it and what's wrong with it, so let's start with:

1. Nonsense--It just doesn't make sense. This kid is about to lose his mother, and instead of working on finding a cure for her illness, he's worrying about shoes. Who cares about the damn shoes, you're about to live the rest of your sad life without a mother. There are so many arguments for this song being complete nonsense that I can't even list them all. I'd be worrying about going to my mother's funeral instead of going to Payless shoes to find a good deal.

2. Mishandling of Money--This kid's mother wasn't even in a hospital because the family is too poor to afford to pay the hospital bills. So what does the kid do? Piss money out the window by trying to buy some shoes for his mother. That's nice, pay money that you barely have so your Mommy can kick the bucket with. At least she won't hurt her feet when she kicks the bucket now that she has her nice new shoes that she'll probably spend the last 5 hours of her life wearing. Great job kid. Now you're gonna be 30 dollars shorter when paying the funeral expenses. I'm sure your Dad will be thrilled.

3. Lack of Judgement on the Mother's Behalf--Okay, put yourself in her shoes (pun intended). Imagine you're dying. What would come to your mind? If you weren't the selfish type, you would think of what would happen to your poor son. College funds, growing up without a woman in his life, not being there for his wedding, not being able to send him off to middle school, not being able to ground him, not being able to watch him grow up. Yeah, those would be the thoughts of most people. Now let's go to the mother in the story. She's worrying about shoes. To her, having a pair of shoes is more important than all the other things I mentioned a few sentences ago. What kind of a mother is this lady? Making her son go out in the cold (probably without a jacket; how could they afford a jacket for the son if the mother couldn't afford shoes?), risking catching a cold, just so she could get some shoes. Great job Mom, you're worse than Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. Stop being selfish on your deathbed and think of someone else for a change.

4. Question of Style--How stylish can an 8 year old boy be? This mother is risking being made fun of in Heaven with shoes her little brat kid is going to pick out. If I were 8 and had to pick out shoes for my Mom, I would have just played it safe and gotten my mom some Chuck T's, probably in red. Now that I'm 19, I realize that although getting Chuck T's is always a safe bet, I don't know how happy my Mom would be with Chuck T's. She probably would've wanted some heels or some comfy moccasins or something. What is this poor kid going to pick out? Choices for him are even more limited than ever considering he probably has about 13 dollars to spend. Remember that episode of Doug where he can only afford one of the Chuck "Sky" Davis' shoes instead of the full pair? This may happen to the poor little bugger that is trying to find a pair for his Mom. Plus, does this kid know his Mom's shoesize? I don't know my Mom's even today, nevermind when I was 8, so how would he know?

5. Misjudgement of the Father--Where is the father's mind anyways, and who does he think he is? He doesn't have the common sense to tell his kid to not worry about getting the mother shoes she won't need? In a poor economy, this family should be saving up as much money as possible, not just pissing it out the window. You're gonna convince me that this father really didn't have a problem with buying shoes that won't be used? If I bought shoes that would never get used, my Dad would be pissed. This father (if you can even call him that) just doesn't use common sense. Waste not want not my dear sir, waste not want not.

6. The Why Factor--This story isn't true, which means someone made it up. Tell me, what kind of a Grinch would have the audacity to actually dream up a song like this and then push the envelope even further by marketing this song as a CHRISTMAS SONG. Christmas is supposed to be joyous, fun, family-oriented and the "most wonderful time of the year". Now, some idiot concocted this great song to spoil all the good feelings associated with Christmas. It's like being a concert and someone turned off the electricity, thus sending everyone home being disappointed. It's like watching a football game and having it end with a tie. It's like being in class and your teacher is 20 minutes late, so the class is having a goodtime by simpling just talking to friends, and then she shows up and tells everyone to sit down and shut up. It's like when you first found out that this guy died. It just ruins everything. This song just ruins Christmas. Good job Mr. Grinch. You spoil the Christmas cheer everytime your song that you wrote in order to make some money (presumably to buy shoes for himself).

In conclusion, I hope you have come to realize just how pitiful this song is. If you hate me for writing this, I really don't care, because deep down, both you and I know that I'm right. Merry Christmas ya filthy animal.

Welp, see ya later.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Planes, Trains and Elevators

I have a new outlook on life, and I'll tell you why. One of my biggest inspirations to actually create a blog is Club Trillion. In a nutshell, it's written by this guy Mark Titus on the Ohio State U basketball team and rides the bench, but tells stories about being a college basketball player. I'm saying this because this post is very similar to the one he wrote about when he was stuck in an elevator. Thanks to Meg O'Neil for the topic choice, it makes perfect sense to blog about a topic and I'm somewhat jealous that you thought of it before I did.

Where do I begin? I guess to give the full layout we'll start with the cast of characters involved. It was yours truly, Matt "The Rat" Rizzini, Sean Mottola, Ryan Urkiel and Quentin Staudt. This magical thing happened this past Tuesday night, and the evening started out nice enough. Myself, Rat, Urk and Sean decided to go to the mall so Sean could by Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 so he could finally fit in with some type of crowd. Matt offered to drive us there since his brother has their car on campus at PC. All was going well, but we had to walk over to the Suites to get the keys from Chris Rizzini. Upon the walk we ran into Quentin, asked him to join us, and simply just said "yeah, sure" and tossed away his ciggarette. The night was still going well even as we picked up the keys from Chris's suitemate Rickey Mansfield. Upon him wishing us a safe trip and begging us to buy him some lube from Spencer's, we decided to take the elevator. It all went downhill from there.

Now I know that when you were a little kid, you did exactly what we were about to do. As soon as the elevator goes down, you would jump up, and for about .00007495 seconds, it felt like you were floating, or even better, wearing moon boots. Since myself and Ryan are basically still little kids when it comes to elevators, we both gave each other a glance and jumped as it went down. Like every time I've done it in my life, nothing happened. Unfortunately, something happened soon after this, and it became the longest 6 floor elevator ride of my life. After seeing how cool me and Urk was by jumping, Matt the Rat obviously had to do the same thing, but of course, before he did, he wanted to be the center of attention and get all of us to jump at the same time. He egged us on and did a three count. I'm not talking about a normal 1-2-3 count, I'm saying that The Rat used his finger for each number, increasing the fingers for each number, so more of like a OOONNNNEEEEEE (point one finger).......TTTWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO (point two fingers)...........THHHHRRRRREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!(point three fingers). Normally, I never questioned not doing anything on the count of three. If someone counts to three the way Rat did while I was on a diving board, I would naturally jump on the count of three. I guess I thought I was on a diving board when I heard number three. Actually, I guess all five of us thought we were on a diving board when we heard three. Sure enough, all five of us decided to jump on the count of three. That's when all hell broke lose. This stupid elevator named Otis2 bounced down and then slightly bounced back up. Then it just stopped. Yep. We actually broke an elevator. We all had one those faces on us like a. We just got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar, b. just witnessed one of our friends ex-girlfriends come back to our floor to say hi, while said person is hooking up with another girl, 3. like our reactions when we heard that Michael Jackson died, and d. like we were waiting for the last number we needed to complete a bingo card.

So basically the five of us were stuck in an elevator. For the first five minutes or so, we all were questioning what to do. Sean immediately sat down and started freaking out saying "Oh my god, why did we do that? We're such idiots. You guys are so stupid. I knew I shouldn't have done that." I don't know if Sean was trying to blame us for it, but he jumped just as much as we did. We contemplated pressing the button with the firefighter's hat on it, you know, the button that if you were on a field trip and you pressed it you'd be suspended for lunch or something. After arguing about pressing the button or just staying stuck in the elevator until the cows come home, we realized it would probably be safe to press the button, so Matt just poked it like it was silly putty. A voice came on the intercom which sounded like God. That is, if I had to think of God's voice, it would definately sound like it was in an elevator. After asking us if we were okay 14 times, the voice of God told us that help would be on the way. The only thing we could think of was the heat in the elevator. Quentin suggested we just get naked because we would stay cool, and we would really give our rescuers a surprise. We basically all sat down and to pass time, we told Sean that if it came down to it, we would naturally eat him first because he was the tallest, and always drinks those crappy protein shakes that don't work. This somewhat freaked him out, but he settled down when I thought of the bright idea to play a game. I simply asked the question, "If you were stuck on an elevator forever and you could bring 5 things with you, what would they be?", and of course Sean went first. After telling us he wanted a gun to shoot himself, porn, and a change of clothes, the voice of God came back on (thank you God, no one wants to know what else he could have wanted) and told us that the fire department was on the way. This was when we realized we could be in trouble. We then heard a knock on the elevator thinking it was our savior, but it turned out to be Rickey. Turns out we were only about two feet away from making it to the 2nd floor. Again he reminded us to not forget his lube and then for some reason vanished. Ryan and Matt texted their girlfriends telling them they were stuck in an elevator. I thought about calling my Mom to pretend I was in serious trouble but then thought against it. We discussed some classic movies that changed our lives, which consisted of Dennis the Menace, Home Alone and Happy Gilmore, and then a different voice asked us if we were okay, how many there was of us, and if we were all male (yes). Finally, we saw some light as a nice Providence firefighter took a crowbar and opened up the elevator and we jumped down about 9 inches to safety.

I felt like I had just got out of prison. It was definitely the longest 35 minutes of my life. It was so nice to see the 2nd floor lobby of Suites Hall and the rescue party. I was hoping there would be a crowd who were waiting our safe arrival and praying for us, but it was only a couple of RA's, some firefighters, a security guard and Chris Rizzini. The old security guard who I can only say looked like a more well built Bob Barker joked that we were throwing around Ryan in the elevator, only he referred to him as "this little guy", to which we jokingly said yes. After saying that the elevator just stopped (which it did...right?), we thanked our saviors and went to the mall. I had never had a better tasting Johnny Rocket's cheddar bacon double before in my life. After this ordeal, I have a whole new outlook on life. I can see how Travis Barker claims that he had a new outlook on life after surviving a plane crash. It was basically the same thing for me. All of a sudden, the sky looks bluer to me, I find myself smiling more, and New Jersey doesn't seem like such a bad state anymore.

One final note, some people have been asking me if I regret jumping. I don't. I also tried to get a video on my phone of the whole ordeal, but I failed miserably.

Oh, and since I know many people who are jealous about this, I would like to rub it in their faces some more that I saw Brand New in Boston on Wednesday night, and it was sick. If you ever get a chance to see them. Do it.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Decade Under the Influence...of Fun!

Once again, Andrew "Danger" Chace has come through in the clutch, and delivered an absolutely perfect idea for a blog topic. I thought about saving this one until New Years, but to be honest, I can't wait that long to post it. After making my facebook fan page, I simply asked for people to give me topics to post about, and Andrew the Mandrew came up with the best response, so without further adieu, I give to you the 10 best things about the past 10 years. Technically, this will be from 2000-2009, and I realize I'm leaving out this month and next month, but I really don't care.

10. Movies of the Decade - My generation will forever be screwed up by the movies that came out over the last 10 years. I guess this can be said about most generations, but let's face it, my generation will be the most screwed up. When we're older, we will get revenge the same way The Bride did in Kill Bill. If the government keeps acting up, we will become like V in V for Vendetta and make the government fear it's own people. For those of us who are out of shape, big, and have curly hair, you will think you can get a hot blonde chick like Katherine Heigl knocked up. When we're parents, we'll be hoping that if our children's teacher breaks her leg, Jack Black will be their substitute teacher and turn our kids into rock stars. For those of us who will become professional assassins, we will have been tricked into thinking that we can "curve the bullet" like in Wanted. I can guarantee that some people will think that Gotham City is real. Nerds all across the universe who were teenagers during this decade will tell their kids that they were just as awesome as McLovin was. What a scary thought. I think the only thing worse would be if Transformers ruin the world. Either that or 2012 will kill all of us. Oh yeah, and even though as awesome as it would be, no one will have a night like the guys of The Hangover.

9. The Implemention of East Providence Lacrosse (2006) - Matt "Rat" Rizzini one day came up to me in the poorly constructed and awfully painted halls of East Providence High one day and told me he wanted to start a lacrosse team. I had nothing better to do, so I decided to help by giving him the name of my math teacher who played lacrosse at Syracuse. Bam. Team started. I couldn't even spell lacrosse, let alone know how to play, but Matt showed me the light, and soon I was on my way to one of the finest careers ever seen in the history of EPHS lacrosse. I had never had so much fun at a sport. It can be said that this sport was probably the sport I was the best at, considering I sucked at hockey and I ran only one year of cross country, so this could be why I had so much fun playing, but that's besides the point. East Providence Lacrosse introduced me to numerous fellows, most good and a few bad, but playing a sport for fun in a high school environment, hearing my name sometimes called over the loudspeaker for scoring a goal in a 14-0 win over Tiverton High (obviously the most important of those 14), and picking up chicks with my athletics (alright maybe it's not true, I was kinda whipped on a psychotic you-know-what back in my high school days)were what made my high school experience that much better. I will never forget when Scott Damiano 'rode the pony' with his lax stick after scoring a meaningless goal in the 4th quarter of a blowout against South Kingstown, nor will I forget the brawl that broke out where we kicked the $#!% out of Bitchuate High. I still don't consider myself a 'lax bro', but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for 2006.

8. Los Angeles (2007) - Los Angeles. The wild west. This was a vacation for my cousins wedding, and it was one of the most relaxing weekends in my life. I knew it would be a great trip when we first arrived at our hotel, and we came across what looked like a prostitute transvestite who I can swear on my life looked like Shaq. I mean I highly doubt that Shaq would be wearing red heels, a blonde wig and a cheetah print dress, while keeping his goatee on his face, but she/he/it really did look like Shaq. I chilled on Laguna beach, cried at a wedding, finally made it to Dodger Stadium to see my boy Nomar pinchit and fly out to leftfield (thanks for the tickets Dad) and learned what smog was. Los Angeles is just different from Providence in a few ways, and it was a nice change to see how A-listers live, and where they live. Alright, I'll be honest, this trip was awesome mainly because of the females I saw on the beaches, and that prostitute. God bless L.A.

7. Discovering Jack Bauer and 24 - I started watching 24 only because it came on after the NFC Championship game in 2005, and I've been hooked since. There is no doubt that Jack Bauer is the greatest American Hero of alltime, and I will challenge anyone on this subject. Jack Bauer has had the worst day ever. 8 times. No man has ever kicked so much ass, spent time captured, found ways to get out of being captive, taken down evil political figures, and save America in one day than Jack. Each season I know that Jack will survive and save the day, but still, for some reason I keep on questioning whether or not he will do it. I can tell you right now, if Jack Bauer were real, we wouldn't be in a recession. The economy would be great. Everyone would have jobs. The Bruins would win the Stanley Cup. This guy would still be alive. Danny Allen would crack a smile. Long sleeve plaid shirts will never go out of style. Imagine the possibilities.

6. Meeting Joe Rippolone (2008) - Joe Rippolone is one of the most influential kids I have ever met in my life. No man will ever go as far as Joe in any aspect of life. This man, as most of you know, is one of the sharpest dressed, mature, and interesting men I have ever met. I always considered myself a snappy dresser until I met Joe. I've known him for a year and a couple of months, and I have enough stories from him to tell my grandkids until they're 9 without repeating. No kid has ever had the cajones to meet two strippers and bring them back to PC as a freshmen. No kid has gone out to buy a security camera to install in the hallway, just so he can tell who is at the door so he can pretend he's sleeping or if he really want to make the 3 step trip to the door and answer it. Joe has ties to the Ford Family, represents Detroit with all his heart, and is a diehard Lions fan. I will be able to come back to Providence College for class reunions, and if I run into someone I don't know, I'll already have an upperhand in the conversation because I was a friend of Joey Ripp. Joe is virtually a 35 year old executive making six figures trapped in a nicely dressed body. College is a wonderful place.

5. Facebook - This one was somewhat hard to swallow (that's what she said), but facebook is one of the best inventions of this decade. We all benefit from it. Before facebook, I would never have to turn down invitations to groups and events, now I do. Each time I deny or ignore something/anything, I feel better about myself because I am superior to this person/thing. Facebook statuses also helped me spread this blog around like it was swine flu at a college campus. Honestly though, facebook has some benefits. It makes it easier to stay in contact with friends from home, blah blah blah, okay yeah facebook is kind of lame, but we are all guilty of looking forward to notifications, especially on our respective birthdays. It's always fun to get tagged in pictures, and even more fun to look at the loser who sat in front of you during graduation's status informing us that she is in love with a kid you know will turn out to be a convicted felon.

4. Getting in to Providence College (2008)- College will most likely be the greatest 4 years of my life. I've come to terms with this early on, and it's probably for the better that I face this somewhat sad fact. When I got the big white envelope in my mailbox from Friar Town, I knew right off the bat that this was where I was going. Sure, I considered URI, Bryant and Syracuse, but Providence College was always my #1 spot. Since coming here, I have made numerous friends, few enemies, met some of the hottest girls I will ever lay eyes upon, have witnessed some of the most unbelievable things imagineable, and have made memories to last a lifetime. The best part is, my college career isn't even halfway over. Take my dear friend and fellow Bruin fan Mike Marella. I spent a solid 8 months of my life convincing him that he stole my Reese's peanut butter cup, when both of us knew that this was not the case whatsoever. This past September, as I walked into Civ, Mike told me he had a present. I was thinking it would be a highlighter or a pumpkin or something, but no. Mike gave me a king sized package of Reese's. Where else over the course of my life can I accuse someone of stealing, and then get free Reese's? Retirement? Doubt it. While being a working stiff for the majority of my life? Highly unlikely. College is just a magical place, where dreams come true, legends are born, and blogs are created.

3. June 27th, 2009 - This could be my the favorite day of the whole decade. Myself, Andrew Chace, and the magnificent Rizzini Brothers (yeah there's a second brother, Chris, but we don't talk about him too much) went on a day trip to Boston that will not be forgotten for a long time. Started off as a long drive to Boston which consisted of playing I Spy (here's your shoutout Steve Sheridan of Don Bosco Prep, the greatest I Spy player ever), the GPS dying, and the backseat driverside window (my side) not being able to go down. This soon became even better when we finally reached Beantown and got a bite to eat at Eagle's Deli. This place, without a doubt, has the greatest burgers ever, and is even the home of one of the greatest eating challenges ever, as seen here. After shopping on Newbury St. and telling a homeless person that I don't want to fill out a survey so I could just go on my way to Dunkin' Donuts, we ended up behind the famous Green Monster. What is behind the Green Monster you ask? The House of Blues. Why were you at the House of Blues, Jim? Taking Back Sunday. Taking Back Sunday is my favorite band of all time, and they may be one of the greatest live bands ever. This show was amazing, from meeting up with fellow PC Friar Meg Mahoney (thanks for letting us cut half the line, here's a shoutout for that), to the encore, everything was amazing about this show. Sure, Andrew Chace got temporarily thrown out of the show for kicking the bejesus out of some drunk punk (rhyme?) in self-defense, but he ended up smooth talking his way back in. TBS opened up with You Know How I Do and played every song I could've asked for. Oh yeah, then I caught a guitar pick. Then when we got back home we crashed a party which at one point had a minivan drive through it's backyard. Now that's what you call a night to remember.

2. Sports in 2004/2005 - Ah yes, what a great time to be alive. I call this year, the year of bling. 2004 will always stand out as one of the most sucessful years ever in New England sports. The Red Sox had won a World Series, the Patriots won another Super Bowl with a lack of wide receivers, and then even I got lucky. Not only did I win a PYHA hockey championship as the captain of the Red Team, a week later I became a true legend of East Providence when I was the waterboy of the Division III hockey state champion East Providence Townies. We went undefeated, 24-0. The ironic thing is, I played in just as many games as we lost. Zero. You may be asking me, "Wow, Jim that kind of sucks, how can you possibly say this was a great thing for you?". Good question, and for every good question, a great answer should be returned. My good answer is this: I have a championship ring, medal AND letterman jacket for filling waterbottles and only going to two practices a week. It all comes down to the championship rings, and I have one. I don't know too many other Division III Rhode Island hockey players who got rings in February of 2005. Oh wait, no one else had any because us Townies had them. Oh I'm sorry, was I ranting? I must have got carried away while looking at my reflection in my shiny championship ring.

1. Breakfast at Jimothy's (2009) - This blog is the only thing I truly love in life. The love I have for this blog surpasses any love I had in middle school. I know your thinking of that old commercial for Kix "Well if you love it so much, why don't you marry it!", but that's alright with me. I take care of this blog and I enjoy writing us and hope that you, the reader, has some fun reading it. This blog is like my life calling. Do I want to move on in life? I guess so. Lord knows what the future will bring. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll form a band. Maybe I'll create my own movie. Lord knows what the future will bring. The point is that I wanted to do this for two years, but never thought it would work out. Now I'm doing this and thinking of the next 10 years. I'll be 29 in ten years. What a scary thought. All I know is that it's been a fun decade, and capping it off by creating something that's fun is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Without this blog I'd be staring at my ceiling or annoying someone on my floor. Where would random pictures of Michael Jackson come from? Not from Perez Hilton. Where else can you get an insight into my life? Hopefully nowhere else. Where else can a kid in Providence, Rhode Island talk about the most pointless things in the world? Nowhere. Oh well, enough about showing my true feelings for this blog.

Until next time, welp, see ya later. P.S. Ryan Urk, here's your shoutout. Love you buddy. Tell Brit I said hey.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Midnight Stroll Through the Daisies

Tonight, I will be attending Smackdown! at the Dunkin' Donuts Center. I'm posting this blog for Tom Silva who wrote this back in late August. He told me to hold off on posting it until he perfected it. Last weekend when he visited me at PC, he reviewed this post and didn't make any changes to it at all, so he gave me the okay to post it. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. Be sure to click all the links because they are all corrupt. Anyways, enjoy. Tom, you're welcome for me actually letting you post this blog. Keep in mind, I DID NOT write this post, so I don't blame me if you are offended. Until next time, welp, see ya later.

In today's world there are topics which have caused arguements among all types of people. They have caused tears, anger, and if we're lucky, bloodshed. Hello. My name is Thomas and today we will discuss these controversial topics whether you like it or not, Jim.

There have been many advances in modern science. Now you can call me a doubting Thomas but I'm just not buying all this scientific mumbo jumbo. In biology they teach us about our brains, hearts, etc., but what proof do we have of these so called "organs." Have you ever seen your heart? I have not seen mine. Becuase it simply does not exist. As far as I'm concerned the only organs that exist are my hair, my eyes, and my penis. I know what you're thinking. X-rays. X-rays are all Hollywood. X-rays are more fake than Jim's toupée . You're not fooling anyone Jim.

This paragraph was going to be dedicated to child pornography but I'm not even going to deny how terrible it is. How terrible it is that its illegal. So instead I guess I'll just talk about one of the biggest frauds in American history. No not this guy. I'm talking about none other than Amelia Earhart. Most people believe that she disappeared. Well folks, its a lie. I was shocked to learn this myself. The truth is that Amelia Earhart was a spy for FDR. She was spying on the Japanese during WW2. After her mission was complete she created an entire new identity as Irene Bolham. Irene Bolham denied the accusations that she was infact the sneaky pilot-ess during her lifetime but I see through her lies. You decide for yourself.

All my life my parents have said, "Tom why don't you get a fucking life you worthless piece of shit." I decided to take their advice and dedicated my life to finding what every man is looking for. A twenty cent hooker? No. Better. Bigfoot. Yeah, three one word sentences in a row. What up Ms. Kelly (everyone knows shes my old Enlgish teacher). There are very few things that I believe in. But I am very adamite about Bigfoot. No one to date has found the legendary beast. I think the reasoning is because they're just looking in the wrong places. Bigfoot wants us to think he's in the woods. That's because he's on the mother fucking moon or some shit. You think Buzz Aldrin is looking for Bigfoot when he goes up there? Hell no he's looking for some moon sluts. Bigfoot is on the Earth's moon getting it on with all the moon whores, ya heard?

Today's song quote will be from Queen. Freddy Mercury once stated quite ellegantly in Bohemian Rhapsody:

I see a little silhouetto of a man,Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-Galileo,galileo,Galileo galileo/Galileo figaro-magnifico-But Im just a poor boy and nobody loves me-Hes just a poor boy from a poor family-Spare him his life from this monstrosity-Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go/Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me goWill not let you go-let me go/Will not let you go let me go/No,no,no,no,no,no,no-Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me

Please do not blame Jim for anything stated above. It was me. All me.