Friday, November 27, 2009

The Christmas Shoes

It's officially the holiday season, which normally means that many people will be either A. extremely happy or 2. extremely depressed. I've felt both of these during the past few Christmases, but that's besides the point. Speaking of extremely depressing, let's take a look at one of the worst songs ever written. The Christmas Shoes is without a doubt the most depressing, nonsensical and awful songs ever written. I can't tell if it's a good thing its a Christmas song or not. Being a Christmas song, it's only played for 2 months out of the year, which is more than enough in my opinion, on the other hand, it's a Christmas song yet it's so depressing it would make Jack Bauer cry. I'm going to absolutely tear this song to pieces, so if you're easily offended or think that it's a cute song, be prepared to keep reading, because you'll be offended and/or realize that it is a stupid song.

Now to be fair, I will admit that I'm not a fan of Christmas music. I never really was, and I don't really have a reason for it. Now I know for a fact that my great roommate Matt Rizzini thorougly enjoys Xmas music and will be playing as much as possible in the dorm to 1. indulge himself and B. to piss me off. Last year I managed and just tried to ignore the music, but when the Christmas Shoes came on, I would have to leave the room. Now onto the Christmas Shoes, for those of you who don't really know what I'm talking about, it's pretty much a song about a little boy who goes out and buys his dying mother a pair of shoes that she liked around Christmas time. There are so many things wrong with this song that I can feel myself getting sick just thinking about it. I'll do a numbered list of reasons why I hate it and what's wrong with it, so let's start with:

1. Nonsense--It just doesn't make sense. This kid is about to lose his mother, and instead of working on finding a cure for her illness, he's worrying about shoes. Who cares about the damn shoes, you're about to live the rest of your sad life without a mother. There are so many arguments for this song being complete nonsense that I can't even list them all. I'd be worrying about going to my mother's funeral instead of going to Payless shoes to find a good deal.

2. Mishandling of Money--This kid's mother wasn't even in a hospital because the family is too poor to afford to pay the hospital bills. So what does the kid do? Piss money out the window by trying to buy some shoes for his mother. That's nice, pay money that you barely have so your Mommy can kick the bucket with. At least she won't hurt her feet when she kicks the bucket now that she has her nice new shoes that she'll probably spend the last 5 hours of her life wearing. Great job kid. Now you're gonna be 30 dollars shorter when paying the funeral expenses. I'm sure your Dad will be thrilled.

3. Lack of Judgement on the Mother's Behalf--Okay, put yourself in her shoes (pun intended). Imagine you're dying. What would come to your mind? If you weren't the selfish type, you would think of what would happen to your poor son. College funds, growing up without a woman in his life, not being there for his wedding, not being able to send him off to middle school, not being able to ground him, not being able to watch him grow up. Yeah, those would be the thoughts of most people. Now let's go to the mother in the story. She's worrying about shoes. To her, having a pair of shoes is more important than all the other things I mentioned a few sentences ago. What kind of a mother is this lady? Making her son go out in the cold (probably without a jacket; how could they afford a jacket for the son if the mother couldn't afford shoes?), risking catching a cold, just so she could get some shoes. Great job Mom, you're worse than Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. Stop being selfish on your deathbed and think of someone else for a change.

4. Question of Style--How stylish can an 8 year old boy be? This mother is risking being made fun of in Heaven with shoes her little brat kid is going to pick out. If I were 8 and had to pick out shoes for my Mom, I would have just played it safe and gotten my mom some Chuck T's, probably in red. Now that I'm 19, I realize that although getting Chuck T's is always a safe bet, I don't know how happy my Mom would be with Chuck T's. She probably would've wanted some heels or some comfy moccasins or something. What is this poor kid going to pick out? Choices for him are even more limited than ever considering he probably has about 13 dollars to spend. Remember that episode of Doug where he can only afford one of the Chuck "Sky" Davis' shoes instead of the full pair? This may happen to the poor little bugger that is trying to find a pair for his Mom. Plus, does this kid know his Mom's shoesize? I don't know my Mom's even today, nevermind when I was 8, so how would he know?

5. Misjudgement of the Father--Where is the father's mind anyways, and who does he think he is? He doesn't have the common sense to tell his kid to not worry about getting the mother shoes she won't need? In a poor economy, this family should be saving up as much money as possible, not just pissing it out the window. You're gonna convince me that this father really didn't have a problem with buying shoes that won't be used? If I bought shoes that would never get used, my Dad would be pissed. This father (if you can even call him that) just doesn't use common sense. Waste not want not my dear sir, waste not want not.

6. The Why Factor--This story isn't true, which means someone made it up. Tell me, what kind of a Grinch would have the audacity to actually dream up a song like this and then push the envelope even further by marketing this song as a CHRISTMAS SONG. Christmas is supposed to be joyous, fun, family-oriented and the "most wonderful time of the year". Now, some idiot concocted this great song to spoil all the good feelings associated with Christmas. It's like being a concert and someone turned off the electricity, thus sending everyone home being disappointed. It's like watching a football game and having it end with a tie. It's like being in class and your teacher is 20 minutes late, so the class is having a goodtime by simpling just talking to friends, and then she shows up and tells everyone to sit down and shut up. It's like when you first found out that this guy died. It just ruins everything. This song just ruins Christmas. Good job Mr. Grinch. You spoil the Christmas cheer everytime your song that you wrote in order to make some money (presumably to buy shoes for himself).

In conclusion, I hope you have come to realize just how pitiful this song is. If you hate me for writing this, I really don't care, because deep down, both you and I know that I'm right. Merry Christmas ya filthy animal.

Welp, see ya later.


  1. Jim, read "The Christmas Shoes" (a novel written by Donna VanLiere). This story explains most the questions you ask here.

  2. ya asshole, read it you fucking grouch.

  3. girls do not want moccasins or heals. unless they're lesbians.