Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

I've been having writer's block for a solid month now, so take that as my excuse for not blogging in almost a month. It's tough to be brilliant. Anyways, if things to according to plan, this current blog will be the last one before the official Breakfast at Jimothy's website starts off. Now to the blog. I have always prided myself on being somewhat nostalgic. I get it from my mother. When I was younger I'd always watch old movies with her that she loved. Some of these movies were even 30 years before her time, but I loved the majority of them, even though they were in black and white. I never really thought it was weird but I could understand how perplexed some of my friends were when I'd recognize Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn or Spencer Tracy references which are obviously outdated. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sort of old fashioned. I have a record player and have started a pretty awesome vinyl collection. I believe that polaroid instant cameras should come back so we can once again shake it like a polaroid picture (Outkast reference right there), and I believe in Dinner parties. Dinner parties will be something of interest to me probably when I hit 30 since they seem so sophisticated. This got me thinking of who I would invite to my dinner party if I could invite anyone. Now I'm talking a legit dinner party, like people have to dress up formally and use small salad forks, not like a college party that all people my age are used to involving beer pong, Keystone Light, forgotten moments and poor decisions that lead to walks of shame.

Now the only relevant part is who would be invited. The food is a moot point for now because that's not what is important, but since I know that people will be disappointed if I don't say whats on the menu, I'll just say the main course will be Kraft Scooby-Doo Macaroni and Cheese, a nice salad to start, maybe some nachos or stuffed mushrooms for an appetizer and chocolate soufle for dessert. Now that that's out of the way, let's first go with who's cooking and who's serving dinner for the guests and yours truly.
Cook- Giada De Laurentiis. She's gorgeous and can obviously cook since she has her own show on the Food Network. My heart was crushed when I found out she was married. I don't think I've fully recovered but someday I'll get over it.

Rachel Ray- Yeah I'll have two cooks. This is going to be a huge Dinner Bash. The purpose of having good ol' Rach there is just so that the guests and I can participate in the Rachel Ray drinking game. This consists of taking a drink every time Rachel Ray says something corny, cheesy or just way too perky. This is to insure that the guests can consume a more than healthy amount of booze to get a little bit loosey goosey considering the fact that 92% of everything Rachel Ray says is corny, cheesy or way too perky. I guess Rachel can cook too.

Serving- Geoffrey from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. In my opinion, he could be one of the greatest supporting actors of any sitcom ever. He was the essence of cool. Name a more fun butler. You can't, shame on you for even trying. G did his job and had enough gusto to make a witty remark to the people he's serving, and that will come to good use at this dinner.

The other server for this shindig will be Michael Caine due to his wonderful portrayal of Alfred the butler in The Dark Knight. I'm sure he'd have a few interesting old man stories to go along with looking so damn dapper.

The Strokes- The coolest band of all time. Honestly they'd be the only band I'd even consider having at a dinner party. They have a wonderful sense of style, seem somewhat laid back, and their bassist might be the coolest/scariest looking mofo out there. Imagine having to sit across from this guy all night? He looks like the guy from No Country For Old Men with a broken jaw. I feel like any member of The Strokes would be down for a nice dinner party, especially you Julian Casablancas, let's get a smile out of you for once.

Danny Allen- Dan is my sidekick on this blog, he has to come, has to be depressed and has to make at least one person feel uncomfortable due to his sarcasm. Without him, there is no dinner party.

Betty White- I thought she was long dead until she hosted Saturday Night Live, and I gotta give it to her, her episode was the funniest SNL I have seen in years, and I watch it semi-regularly. She is always welcome for Macaroni and Cheese at my place. Maybe she can even tell me some stories from the Civil War and what Major League Baseball was like before Babe Ruth played.

Justin Bieber- Just so I can kick the shit out of him.

Wilmer Valderrama- He can come as long as he dresses and talks like Fez from That 70's Show. Just hearing him say Mashed Potatoes would make the night special.
Carrot Top- Yeah, Carrot Top. The guy always shows up when you least expect him to, like in the photographs shown during the end credits of the Hangover or those horrible 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials. Plus, we need at least one ginger there for Danny Allen to make fun of.
The Olson Twins- The purpose of inviting them will just be to save some food for the others in case we run low on supplies. Also, we could use the trashbags they wear as clothing to dispose of the garbage.
Carmen San Diego- Just so that for once we'll finally know where she is.
Thing 2- Probably not too realistic, but maybe we could find out exactly what Thing 2 actually is. And no, Thing 1 is not invited. I was never a fan of odd numbers.
Lil Wayne- Yes, Weezy. Why you ask? So that when he brings his drugs and guns to the party I'll have cops on hand to arrest him, thus giving him another court date for weapons and drug charges so that he'll be kept locked up. I actually didn't mind him until the phrase "No Ceilings" became popular. Now I have heard it so many times out of Chris Rizzini's mouth I A) want to kill myself and 2) want Weezy locked up as long as possible so no more of these stupid expressions are created. By the way, he still has another court date in Arizona for weapons and drug charges soon, so he might not even be able to make my dinner party.

Sean Mottola- I have to invite my soon to be roommate. I've gotten to know Sean over the past two years, and I just know that he'll make an ass out of himself or be so nervous surrounded by all these famous people that he would have a nervous breakdown. I'd take either of those two choices to happen, because they'd both be hilarious to witness.

The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George fame- He deserves a night off from Curious George. Now that I think about it, I'm curious if anyone knows his real name. Wikipedia says that he only has a name in the movie that came out in 2006 and it is Ted Shackleford. Yeah, okay.

Mean Girls Era Lindsay Lohan- Pre-drugs, pre-eating disorder, pre-blonde, pre-dating Samantha Ronson, pre-DUI(s), pre-jail and post-Parent Trap. That Lindsay Lohan can come.
Zach Galifianakis- I'm not gonna lie, Dinner For Schmucks was a pretty awful movie. It was sorta funny but it just sucked. However, Zach is always welcome to my dinner party or any party of mine after his performance in The Hangover. I'd sure Betty White would be frightened of him, but I'm sure it would be a good time with him there.

Ellen Degeneres- I appreciate her for her somewhat serious demeanor and her ability to dance just because she wants to. More people should dance in public for no apparent reason. Ellen, I salute you.
Brett Favre- Two reasons. First, I've always wanted to meet someone whose middle name is Lorenzo. Secondly, so I could poison his food so that he cannot retire and come back again. It would be sort of annoying because he might change his mind about RSVPing about 30 times before on deciding to just come anyways.
Will Smith- I can't really think of a good reason not to invite him, so why not.
Anyone From The Expendables Cast- Just imagine the great conversations the other guests can have with the likes of Sly Stalone, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren. There would be more dead braincells per person than calories in all the food combined.
The Kid Who Played Goldberg- On second thought, I'll extend the invitation to all of the Mighty Ducks kids. With the exception of Kenan Thompson and the kid that played Charlie Conway, none of them really amounted to much. They probably all are in dire need of food and money, so I'll give them some food.
Steve From Blue's Clues- There was rumors that he died but I think it was made up. He has to wear the green sweater he always wore and he has to get my mail for me upon entrance while singing that Mail Time song.
Russell Brand- So he can bring Katy Perry.
Katy Perry- So she can bring Russell Brand.
Jonah Hill- Every dinner party needs a jolly fat guy with the mouth of a sailor with an afro and the star of SuperBad.
Scarlett Johansson- She can be my date.
Antoine Dodson- Yes, that Antoine Dodson. The overnight sensation. Never has anyone gotten on a local news show and made a story about attempted rape funny. If he can make an attempted rape funny, imagine what he could do at dinner! If you don't know what I'm talking about, just watch this video here.
Kid Rock- After seeing him in concert with Bon Jovi, he gets the invite for having so much American Pride. I mean I'm born on July 4th and his abundance of American pride almost made me feel Russian for a second. American Pride is always welcome in my house and at my table.
Kevin Bacon- Cause everyone is 6 degrees away from him.
The Person Who Asks Me All Those Questions- Yes, you know who you are whoever you are. When I have this dinner party you better show up. You're only getting invited because I still have no idea who you are and it creeps me out.
I do have to give Tom "Tomboy" Airozo credit for the Olson Twins suggestion. Also, shoutouts are in order for Rachel Palmisciano, Erin Murtagh and Kelsey DeJesus, or as they are now known as "The Trio". If this is indeed the final blog on blogspot, it has been fun. Pretty soon will be launched and hopefully there will be more posts, more fun, more randomness and maybe more people posting stuff. I'll be posting links to the site and updates through this blog though, so check back in the near future.