Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Valentine For A Friend

This Valentine's Day, I'm not going to bother searching for a Valentine. It's stupid and pointless and it just gives single females an excuse to complain about not having a boyfriend that they can complain about. This year I plan on watching the Bruins/Rangers game and heating up a nice plate of Stouffer's Macaroni and Cheese. Maybe I'll even have a salad too. Anyways, this year I've decided to take the approach and help out a friend in need. Meet Tyler. Tyler has been a friend/enemy of mine since the 2nd grade. Our hatred/friendship for each other when that bastard told my 2nd grade teacher that I tried to kill his worm (for some stupid science project) by dropping one of those tiny green army men on it. For that terrible, horrendous crime I had to write 'I will not cause harm to my classmate's worm' twentyfive times. Since then we've had our share of laughs, name calling, beers, and wrestling matches. He's like the obnoxious, socially awkward yet lovable (loveable or lovable? I don't know either.) brother I never had/wanted that unfortunately lived down the street from me. Anyways, in an act of kindness, I'm going to help Tyler out and help him find a Valentine.

Tyler has a lot to offer. He's friendly sometimes, loves to snuggle, and is a big fan of Star Wars. He's a real sentimetic type who often thinks back to simpler times where Dragon Ball Z, Pokemon, and Hey Arnold! mattered. He considers himself a Pittsburgh Penguins fan for no apparent reason! He drives a red Jeep! This man loves Pearl Jam! He once nursed a young bird with a broken wing back to health. He has more nicknames than Shaq. He was the starting point guard for the East Providence High basketball team, did competitive cheerleading, and played lacrosse. C'mon ladies, who doesn't love a three-sport man? In addition, he is also friends with Matt Rizzini (as pictured below), who is short and adorable in his own right. You're in good company when you're with Tyler, that's for sure. He can grow more facial hair in 3 hours than I can in a week! He is a man who can only be described as a Wildcard.

If I could compare Tyler to anyone famous right now, it would have to be Tom Brady and David Beckham. I know that you may be thinking 'But Jim, Brady and Beckham aren't just sports superstars, they're models too!', to which I can proudly reply, 'Well so is Tyler!'. Tyler, at the tender age of 6 (I think) graced a Star Wars toy box! Some of my friends mock this, and claim that Tyler peaked at this point, but I think he is just getting started. Everyone loves a good comeback story. Josh Hamilton was a crackhead who became a baseball MVP. Eli Manning beat autism to win 2 Super Bowls. Derek Zoolander was going downhill before he finally unleashed Blue Steel. Tyler is a comeback story in the making. He's like Guns 'N Roses. Started out with one of the best albums of all time, didn't do anything for about 20 years, then got elected to the rock n roll hall of fame. That really wasn't a great example. Anyways, Tyler is a feel good, comeback story to fame and glory just waiting to happen. Just wait, he'll be on billboards promoting Captain Morgan in no time.

Ladies, you really can't pass up an opportunity on Tyler. He has a heart of gold, a smile that can melt butter, a jew-fro that could make Screech jealous, jolly red cheeks, a knowledge of fine wines, a past as a male model, and a true talent for saying sentences that don't make sense. If you are feeling like Valentine's Day blows and are feeling depressed, take a chance and grab a bite to eat with Tyler. Not only is he a good guy, but he's a tremendous companion. What do I recommend this Valentine's Day you ask? Not chocolates. Not teddy bears. Certainly not flowers. A night out at the movies? Actually that doesn't sound so bad since Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday this year and everyone knows that Tuesdays are cheap movie day. So yeah, I recommend a trip to the movie theatre, but I recommend you take it with Tyler Blatchley. For more info, leave a comment. I'm just trying to help a brother out.