May 1st was an interesting day for America. I will forever remember being down the hall with Sam New, Nicole Eslinger, Erin Dooly, Kathleen Benacci and Lauren Hartigan when my main girl (and Barrington's finest) Jenna Borkoski came in and said to change the channel to the news because bin Laden is dead. It was strange hearing the news because it was almost as shocking as 9/11, I'll always remember being in the 6th grade in Mrs. Burns class. They waited to tell the 6th graders until the end of the day, but we all knew something weird was going on by the way the teachers were acting and the fact that all the 7th and 8th graders were watching TV. Of course, the Providence College campus celebrated the fact that this bastard was finally killed, and although it does't make up for the lost lives of 9/11, it's somewhat reassuring that some justice was served. It was nice seeing PC start up the U-S-A! chants and people carrying flags all over the place running around. Some people are upset that people are rejoicing over death, and I can see that to some extent, but the fact that it's bin Laden should override that. Would these people say the same about Hitler's death? Doubt it. So anyways, I started to wonder who exactly it was who killed bin Laden, so why not make up a Top 10 list of possible candidates!
10. Dick Cheney- Look, it may be a long shot here, but perhaps ol' Dicky boy was overseas hunting for rabbits, or whatever it was he was shooting at when he accidently shot that other guy in the face, and happened to kill Osama. Can't anyone else see Cheney, heart condition and all, hunting for quail in the desert, stumble upon some compound in the suburbs, see a squirrel and miss so badly that he shot a man who just so happened to be Osama? I mean the fact that he accidently shot another man is a weird enough story, so why couldn't it happen in this scenario?
9. Waldo- Pure jealousy is the motive here. For the past decade or so, everyone has been trying to find Osama. People simply gave up looking for our buddy Waldo because they focused so much time in caves looking for that prick with that scraggely facial hair. You gotta believe that Waldo either beat the piss out of him with that walking stick he constantly is carrying, or strangled him with the strap for his pair of binoculars. Sure there are reports that bin Laden was killed after being shot in his left eye, but maybe Waldo just made it seem that way. He could've done the deed, then shoot him in his eye after he was already dead to make it seem like he wasn't involved. I can expect sales in the Where's Waldo? book franchise to consistantly grow in the near future now that he is the #1 man on the run.
8. Charlie Sheen- What better way to put use to that machete he was swinging on the top of hotels than to take out bin Laden. He is full of tiger's blood which as we all know turns normal men into warlocks, so he probably got a rush and went over to Pakistan by himself on a mission. It may also be a desperate attempt to win back his role on Two-and-a-Half Men. I'd give it to him if this was infact what happened.
7. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Cast- They really have fallen out of the spotlight, so they had to make a comeback somehow. I can see them showing up to the compound all fruity and fabulous and just freaking out bin Laden's crew. Their mission was simple enough: to change Osama's wardrobe and hairstyle. All they wanted to do was give him a new black turban instead of the white turban that was so last season and throw some sequins embroidery on his dull and tame army jacket. They couldn't take no for an answer and finally got so mad at stubborn Osama that they killed him. Plain and simple.
6. Dos Equis Most Interesing Man- He's the coolest guy ever. He constantly does things that most men cannot do, so can we really overlook the possibility that he killed Osama? He probably shot him with a crossbow through his left eye, then cracked open a bottle of Dos Equis by using the empty eye socket as a bottle opener. It would also be perfect for the next commercial "He single-handedly killed Osama bin Laden, He can count to infinity...backwards, The sun watches him set". Perfect marketing campaign for the next commercial.
5. Rebecca Black- Ms. Black just couldn't let her spotlight run out on her just yet. She felt so bad about disgracing America with 'Friday' that she figured she had to make up for it in order to feel good about herself. She infiltrated the compound by playing 'Friday' on repeat on a boombox, forcing anyone in her path to run in fear, leading her directly to Osama where she took out a shotgun and blew his brains out. End of story. We know what she does on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and now we know that Monday through Wednesday she takes out terrorists one by one. Can't blame her for gettin down on Fridays anymore. (shoutout to Kevin Tavares for the suggestion).
4. Hulk Hogan- The Hulkster loves America. His theme song back in the glory days of the WWF was entitled "Real American". After being tired with Vince McMahon's antics, what better way to start a comeback than by taking out America's sworn enemy. He's fought the likes of The Rock, The Undertaker, Sgt. Slaughter, Randy Savage, The Ultimate Warrior and even Mr. T, so Osama was obviously the next person on his list. He's had a rough year since his wife left him for a 15 year old, his son killed a man while drag racing, and his daughter slowly turned into a man, so it's about time Hulk regained some respect for himself. I just wish this was saved for Wrestlemania.
3. Jason Bourne- It's a strong possibility that Jason here could've done the job, but there is one small problem: he's not being played by Matt Damon in the next movie. This is holding Jason from being the #2 or even the #1 spot on this list. Jason Bourne is very badass and he has the military background to pull it off, although I think it's fair to say that he spends more time in Europe kicking the shit out of people, so maybe he isn't used to the desert conditions.
2. Michael Myers- You can't stop Mikey Myers. Just can't. Like bin Laden for so many years, Michael always got away from the authorities, even when everyone thought he was dead for good. I can picture Michael Myers just walking to the compound, taking bullet after bullet to the chest and just keep on truckin' like we've all seen in the 62+ movies in that series. It's about time he killed someone meaningful instead of Jamie Lynn Curtis.
1. Jack Bauer- This has to be the most logical explanation. Why else would Fox cancel 24 after 8 seasons of being one of the top rated television shows in history? Jack was on a mission so important that it could not risk being filmed. Jack Bauer is the only person I know to have such a superior background and the guts to do this. Jack loves Amercia and would do anything to make this world a better place. I mean killing Osama does seem like a tricky task to pull off, but honestly I've seen Jack get himself out of tougher situations and pull off the impossible. For all we know Osama had Kim Bauer captive or was plotting a nuclear attack on America. I know that if I were in charge of the country, Jack Bauer would certainly be the first person I'd want leading the manhunt.