Friday, February 26, 2010

A Spring (Break) In My Step

Spring Break is nice and all, but so far it has been a bore to yours truly. I’ve been home in East Providence for about 5 hours and already I want to go back to Providence College as badly as Kevin McAllister’s mom wanted to go back home to Chicago in Home Alone (1 and 2). Thus far, the most exciting thing that’s happened so far is thinking that I’ll be able to shower and not have to flaunt my body wearing nothing but a towel down a hallway of chock full o’ men. So far, I’ve watched 10 minutes of 16 & Pregnant, which is one of the more depressing shows on television these days, and now I’m watching the Vermont Catamounts play puck with the Boston University Terriers, like I care. What is a Catamount anyway? Sounds like the offspring of a catapult and a Mountie (picture Dudley Do Right), but I’m being told that it is a type of cat. I don’t get it. Anyways, I’ll tell you how to have a great Spring Break.

Location- Location is key. I can’t say that East Providence, Rhode Island is my key destination for spring break, but where else am I gonna go? Vermont? In order to have a successful vacation, go somewhere either A) exotic such as Miami, Aruba, South Boston, any casino, or San Diego, B) fun such as Los Angeles, Chicago, London, or Harlem, or C) different, such as anywhere in Texas, Scotland, Moscow, or Haddonfield, Illinois. You want to do something fun on Spring Break. Create memories that you remember only through pictures that you review the following morning and try your hardest to remember. Befriend natives, try not to piss off locals and take part in local festivities if any are around.

Gameplan – In order to have a great Spring Break, you have to do something fun. When visiting someplace, I like to convince my dad to get tickets to whatever sports team is in town at the same time that I am. I’ve seen Barry Bonds play in San Francisco, Curt Schilling pitch in Anaheim, Nomar Garciaparra pinch hit in Dodgertown, and the Red Sox lose to the White Sox in Chicago, all of which were wonderful times. If sports is not your cup of tea, or if the team in the place you’re going sucks, you can always scare people. One of my friends/sworn enemies told me that he and his friends once made a noose from a rope they had, and drove around Cape Cod with it. At each red light the person in the passenger seat would take the noose and turn to the driver to the car’s right, hold the noose and point to the driver while staring daggers at the perplexed driver. Is this morally wrong? Yes. Is it funny? Yes. Is being funny more important that morals? Always. Try doing this to locals and see what happens. If this still isn’t your cup of tea, then go ride a mechanical bull or something.

Memories- You need something to have as a keepsake of your trip. In my book, the odder the better. If I were in middle school, I would never wear a shirt that says “Somebody in Delaware Loves Me!”, but that was because was a middle schooler and cared about what I wore, because everyone knows that if you don’t dress right in middle school you are to suffer more than if you killed a Nun. Now that I’m in college and really couldn’t care less about what I wear, a shirt like this would be wonderful. I’d support any small town that was my host for a few nights over spring break, besides Tilton, New Hampshire. That place sucked. Keepsakes are wonderful because most people won’t have the same thing. What are the odds that I’ll run into someone wearing the same “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” t-shirt that I got in El Paso back in ’99? My friend Frank the Tank has a tshirt from Dirty Ernie’s Rib Pit (I can't believe I found a picture of this on google images), I’m not sure where it is, but you can bet that I want to go there someday. It’s called novelty my friends. Novelty.

Relaxation- As Frankie Goes To Hollywood would say, Relax. As a college student, I have a hard life. Having a week off is like a gift from God. Although I won’t be doing too much myself, I won’t call this Spring Break a success unless I wake up after 12:30 every single day this week. You, the reader, should do the same. Relax over your Spring Break. If I were at a spa this week, I’d take advantage of a masseuse and lounge poolside wearing just a bathrobe and sunglasses, but unfortunately this is not the case. You only live twice, so if you get time to stop and smell the roses, do so. Work hard, play hard. Live by it.

Now, I’m begging you all to take this advice and have yourself a wonderful Spring Break. As for me, I plan on getting a haircut, reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, bonding with my Siberian Husky Juneau, learning how Warren Buffett got so rich, teach myself to speak Russian, meditate, look at paintings for my future home, make a snow angel, catch up with episodes of The Office, figure out if there is a true answer to “paper or plastic?” and watch episodes of Charlie Brown to figure out why Snoopy is feuding with The Red Baron. As you can see, it will be a productive week for yours truly, so do me a favor and have a great break. I realize Providence College has an early break so most of you haven’t had your Spring Break yet, but when you do, do something exciting.

In regards to this Spring Break, I’m not doing anything. However, my dear friend Bethany Sales is going to Daytona Beach this week, which just so happens to be the same week as Bike Week. Beth has signed on to be my first official correspondent for the blog, and will be reporting her findings of bike week, which I can only imagine will be interesting. I’m also glad Beth signed on to be my correspondent, because she is witty, beautiful, funny, knows how to wear a pair of boots, and is a fellow resident of Rumford, East Providence, Rhode Island, USA. Can’t go wrong here folks.

Finally, I’d like to give a very special shoutout to my dear friend Chris Rizzini, who is turning 21 tomorrow. Happy birthday big guy, now I can use you to buy me booze. This kid is one of the few people who makes me laugh without doing so on purpose, which I’m not sure is a good thing for him, but it helps me out in the long run.

Also, feel free to leave comments on the blogposts. I like feedback as long as they are not personal attacks or somebody making awful jokes about my mother, she’s a nice lady. So go ahead, wish Chris a happy birthday, tell me I suck, or help me and Danny out by giving us ideas for what our book cover should consist of. If somebody gives us a good idea for the book cover, we will give you a mention in our book and I’ll give you a free copy of the book whenever it comes out. Just keep in mind that we want to mock pulp culture in some way.
Welp, see ya later.

Friday, February 19, 2010

An Interview With Danny Allen

Danny Allen is a fine young man. He may seem like a depressed lad who I often mention on my blog, but this is not always the case. To prove to all of you that he's alright, I decided to interview him through AIM. Enjoy. Keep in mind that the best word to describe Danny is stoic.

Jim- Danny, how are ya?
Danny- I'm the usual. Melancholy.
Jim-Ah yes, aren't we all. Let's start things off with word association, you ready?
Danny- Yes.
Danny-Upside Down.
Jim- Breakfast at Jimothy's
Danny- Delicious.
Jim- Your childhood
Danny- Lacking.
Jim- My future
Danny- bleak with cracks of promise.
Jim-i'll take that, enough word association, how do you feel having the spotlight on you for one of my blogposts
Danny- i think itll give me a chance to right some wrongs
Danny- let the people know where i have breakfast
Jim-right some wrongs? how so?
Danny-truth be told, i smile more than im given credit for
Jim-shut up
Danny- swear to god
Jim- okay, I believe you but my tommy gun don't
Danny- i mean i wouldnt classify myself as a big time smiler
Danny-but im known to dabble
Jim- i can see that, moving on now, who were your idols while growing up?
Danny- real or imaginary?
Jim- both.
Danny-i liked nomar until he left
Danny-bledsoe too
Danny-my childhood was a highway of heartbreak
Jim-is that why you're so depressed so often?
Danny-i think so
Danny-so much heartbreak at such a young age
Jim-sounds like you had a childhood similar to 50 cent or lil wayne, only you never were shot
Danny-nor will there ever be a movie about it
Jim-that might be a good thing. if you were to have a movie made about you, who would play you
Danny-good question
Danny-id like to take the dry sense of humor of paul rudd
Danny-the toughness of keifer sutherland
Danny- and the looks of matt damon
Jim-i'm not sure why, but that makes sense.
Jim-would it have any similarities to any Quentin Tarantino films
Danny- i like his sick sense of humor
Danny- but my feet arent pretty enough for the close up
Jim- he does love feet, that's for damn sure. so at the party last friday night, you seemed in a chipper mood. has life been good to you recently? I mean after all, you told Sean Mottola that you originally thought he sucked, and now you think he sucks less
Danny- i realized that sean and i have a lot more in common than i thought
Danny-he can be kind of a prick and i can relate to that

Danny-i also got to control the music a little more, so i liked that too
Jim-yeah that's a powerful feeling, it's like the parade scene in ferris bueller's day off
Danny-think about this: theres so much in life that we cant control. weather, homework, other people. the fact that for a half hour at a party i can play music that i like without anyone cutting me off, its nice
Danny-little things like that are enough to make one's day
Jim-you bring up a valid point. should we discuss the book?
Danny-lets do it
Jim-okay, so what was your initial reaction when I asked you to join me
Danny-well if i remember right you asked if i had interest in helping you with a project you were working on. i said sure, what's it about. and then you went 12 hours without texting me back
Danny-then i found out about it and was ecsatic
Danny-mainly because i think my opinions are fucking awesome
Danny-so now others can read them
Danny-and agree that my opinions are fucking awesome
Jim-sorry for the delay, some drunk kid just came into my room and gave me matt and matt free dunkAroos
Danny-no apology necessary
Jim-isn't PC nice?
Danny- i was hoping you were going to use pc in word association so i could say safety school

Danny-ill be back in a sec
Danny-i have returned
Jim-the drunk pc kid just strip searched ryan urk claiming he was a terrorist and is now shooting us with a vaccum
Danny-u-s-a! u-s-a!
Jim- i couldn't have said it any better myself. back to the book
Jim-what are you expectations, and what would you tell someone you just met to get them to read the book
Danny-i would tell people that the book is like the modern day old testament
Danny- or it will be
Jim- I think that's fitting. Have you thought of a title yet? cause i haven't
Danny- i have not
Danny- a good blogger would accept suggestions in the comments section of this post
Jim- i was thinking of that, but so many people leave such vile messages that i'm scared of what i'll get. now that i think about it. i'll do that, it's a great idea daniel.
Danny- itd be non binding
Danny- maybe wed get sometihng to build off
Jim- i'll take it. how about the tshirts. we gotta make sweet blog tshirts
Danny-yes we do
Danny- whens the next time you work for Michael (my dad)
Danny-he could be our distributor
Jim- i'll get a contract, we just need to think of a good tshirt idea that mocks pop culture
Danny- we had the pulp fiction idea'
Jim-yeah, i wouldn't mind doing the clash london calling album
Danny- i was just thinking that
Danny- seriously
Jim- and imagine our book cover?
Danny- we need a title
Danny- or a working title
Danny- jim and dan write a bad romance
Jim-did you get that from lady gaga?
Danny- that title sucks

Jim-one last question
Jim-you're stuck in an elevator, who do you hope is in there with you
Danny-how many choices to i get
Jim-whatever you feel necessary
Danny-make that a spin off for the cover
Jim-i like that alot
Jim-me and you
Jim-then two hot girls
Danny-im thinking you need a celebrity who would either crack jokes or be pissed about it
Danny-and be funny either way
Danny-then you need your famous eye candy
Danny-and you friend to be the witness
Danny-youd be my friend/witness
Jim-i need names danny
Jim-anyone you have in particular
Danny-i put mary lynn rajskub in
Danny-or rainn wilson
Danny-for the funny guys
Danny-and eye candy i would do lindsey vonn
Danny-because shes a hero and kinda hot
Jim-okay i'll take that
Danny-anything else?
Jim-no, thank you for partaking in the interview
Danny- thanks for the opportunity

Monday, February 15, 2010


With the Olympics underway, Daniel Allen once again gave me a great topic to blog about. Being American and what it means to me. This will be an essay of my feelings of being American and then I'll give some outlooks on the Olympics. And here we go....2...1,2,3,4.

My birthday is July 4th. I share my birthday with America alongside great Americans like George Steinbrenner, Calvin Coolidge, Neil Simon, one of Prez Obama's daughters, Tom Cruise....oh wait I guess he was born on the 4th of July in the movie. Anyways, having July 4th as a birthday is wonderful for numerous reasons. I get fireworks every year for my birthday. There are constantly parties, so why not celebrate my birthday AND Independence day at the same time? It's better to drink to two things as opposed to just one right? Each time I tell someone when my birthday is the reaction is the same. It goes like this : Hot Girl- So when's your birthday? Me- July 4th. Hot Girl- Wait! Like the 4th of July!? Me- Yes. Hot Girl- That's soo cool! Do you get fireworks and stuff!? Me-Yes. Hot Girl- Will you go out with me? Me- No.

So basically having a July 4th birthday makes me a greater American than most people, the only downside is that I'll probably never be able to have a surprise birthday party considering parties will already be going on, but I can live with that.

Being American is nice. I like living in America. Rhode Island is kind of boring, but when you think about, there could be worse places to live in the world, like Antarctica, Delaware, Greenland, or China (they have smog there). Being American also means that I can complain about living in a free country because nothing is ever good enough for me. Do I want to live in London at some point in life? Yeah why not. Rome? Sure. Russia? I guess.

One nice thing about being American is that I'm living in the same country with the most famous people in the world. I think. Look at all the famous people in America: Blink-182, Tom Hanks, O.J. Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Kevin Bacon, Jack Bauer, Scooby-Doo, Tila Tequila, DJ Pauly D, the list goes on and on. I'm surrounded by fame in this country. I can't name you 3 famous movies stars, musicians or Paris Hilton-type people in any other country. I just listed 9 semi famous people. Don't get me started on the Kim Kardashian's and Drew Brees' of the world.

Another reason I love America is because of the sports. If I were anywhere else, I'd be stuck with soccer. Soccer is alright, I play FIFA 08 sometimes when I'm bored, and I'll admit I watch the World Cup, but I couldn't live with it 24/7. When you're five years old in America you have the opportunity to become extremely rich playing Football, Baseball, Basketball and Hockey. I know that the odds of this are slim to none and about 99% of these 5 year olds will fail and live sad, pathetic lives regretting the fact that they aren't 6'7 and 200 lbs. I've now come to the conclusion that growing up with so much sports in America is somewhat depressing for children because so many dreams are shattered. Dammit.

Another reason I love being American is because of language. After watching Inglourious Basterds, it came to my knowledge that many people speak more than one language. The Jew Hunter spoke Austrian, Italian, French, German and English. I took Spanish from 7th grade until Junior year of high school and I remember probably 3% of the words I learned during that time. Mi bicicleta es con mi lapiz. I think I just said My bike is with my pencil, but I could be wrong. I'm not sure if it's sad that American's only speak English (for the most part), but it sort of seems like we suck.

These are the main points of why I'm proud to be an American, but right now I'll list a bunch of reasons for loving America. Hogwarts is actually located in Wyoming. The Statue of Liberty has no pupils. Emo originated in America. Our favorite winter Olympian is Shaun White who now goes by the Great Ginger Hope. We stole Alexander Ovechkin from Russia. We feel bad for Lil' Wayne who's going to jail for weapons charges. There are 4 syllables in America. Snoopy is American, as is Snoop Dogg. Jack Bauer saves America instead of every other country in the world.

As for the Olympics, team USA might win a bronze in Hockey is they're lucky. Shaun White will win the gold in every event he's in. Alright I'm done.

Welp, see ya later.

The depressing song lyric of the day is Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box.
She has me like a pisces when I am weak/I've been locked inside your Heart Shaped box, for weeks/I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap/I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black/Hey! Wait!/I've got a new complaint/Forever in debt to your priceless advice/Hey! Wait!/I've got a new complaint/Forever in debt to your priceless advice

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

I've hated Valentine's day for years. Something about it just makes me want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffic. I think the hatred started back in the 4th grade, when for some reason unbeknownst to me, my whole class decided to not bring in those flimsy Valentine cards to give to every student, regardless of how much you hated half the class you were giving Valentines to. Of course, I didn't receive the memo that you stop bringing in Valentines to the whole class when you're a 4th grader at Myron J. Francis Elementary school. There I was, lil Jimmy Kirwan (pretty much my current self just a foot shorter and with a buzzcut) walking into Mrs. Thacker's class with a brown paper bag filled with Pokemon Valentine's day cards (yes there was one of Ash Ketchum saying "I Choose You to Be My Valentine!"), addressed to every person in my class. I'm talking everyone. Weird Lucy. The kid we called Monkey Boy. The 5 girls I convinced myself I was in love with at the same time. Snuffy, Al, Leo, Lil Mo with the Gimpy Leg, Cheeks, Bony Bab, Cliff. I could go on forever baby! Everyone. Unfortunately, it was like I got stood up on a date, but instead it was being stood up by 20someodd classmates of mine, and the feeling sucked. I think Mrs. Thacker felt bad for me and asked the class why everyone else didn't bring Valentines. I can't remember the responses that were said, I was too busy grabbing tissues to dab my eyes with at this point. Ever since then, Valentine's Day just always sucked. I get more excited for Flag Day than V-Day. Is that pathetic? No.

Some people claim that St. Patrick's Day and Mother's Day and Father's Day are all "Hallmark Holidays" so they can sell a bunch of cards, cause holidays are always recession proof and the more the merrier. Valentine's Day is the ultimate Hallmark Holiday. At least we celebrate something on the holidays previously mentioned, but what do we really celebrate for Valentine's Day? Love? Okay that'll be nice when I'm married and all but who cares when you're my age? I had a girlfriend for two Valentine's Day back in high school and it sucked both times. The first one we had just started dating and we went to Chili's with two other couples, I may be mistaken but I believe it was with Matt Rizzini and his lovely/beautiful girlfriend Emily McManus, and Kyle Towne with someone. My girlfriend at the time complained about getting sick at Chili's on Valentine's Day for the next year or so, as if it was my fault that she ordered whatever she got and it made her sick, which it probably didn't. Let's just say that our first Valentine's Day was a headache, and I believed I let out a sigh of relief when I made it back home safely. Our second Valentine's Day (and last) was during senior year. By this time we had been going out for over a year, so of course this woman demanded that I buy her something expensive. Holidays sucked because this girl would beg me for months in advance to get her a necklace or some stupid bracelet. I swore I'd never tell anyone this, but since I haven't spoken to her in more than a year, I guess it's safe to share this story with the world. She wanted a bracelet with a bunch of small hearts on it from Hell...I mean Tiffany & Co. This may be off, but I want to say it was about $110. I was a high school senior with no job, where the hell was I going to get 110 one dollar bills to buy something that wasn't for myself? My options were to 1. visit my Grandpa Kenny a lot of times over the next month or B) cheat the system. I went with B.

I had to do some serious research and take some serious risks to pull this off. I went to Macy's, still a respectable department store, and got the exact same bracelet for 30 bucks. I'm talking the exact same. Same little hearts. Same tinted silver. Same everything. There was no possible way she could have told the difference. I think I was equally as happy when I found this bracelet as I was two days ago when Frank "The Tank" Gassert made a truce with me during Call of Duty 2 Modern Warfare and helped me get back-to-back tactical Nukes. The only problem was the box. She might get suspicious if she got a Tiffany bracelet from a Macy's box, but this was simple. My Mom had a few items of jewerly from Tiffany, so I simply asked her if I could have a box that a bracelet came in. She agreed, I think she may have known what I was doing, but it didn't seem that she minded. My plan was a go. I beat the system for a Valentine's gift. Threw that bracelet into a Tiffany box, got some card that didn't mean anything to me and got some chocolates and called it a day. She was pleased and wore the bracelet a lot, and I got away with it (until now I guess, but I don't care what she thinks of me anyways).

This story still doesn't help with how depressing Valentine's Day is. I'm still not the biggest fan, but it sure can be lonely if you do not have a significant other, or if it doesn't fall on a Friday/Saturday and you can pray that you find a beautiful girl to dance with at a party like I did last year. One other thing that I don't find fair is that it's always the guy taking the girl out on Valentine's Day. Screw that. I'll tell you what, any girl who wants to take me out for a Valentine's Day date will have her wish. First come first serve. I'd be a jerk to have you pay for me, so I'll go halfsies on the check at dinner and I'll get you roses or chocolates if you do the same for me. Why should you be depressed and do nothing on Valentine's Day? If you're one of these girls, take a chance and take me out on a date. Let the competition begin.

After winning the poll by a whopping 2 votes. I'm bringing back the depressing lyric of the day.
Enjoy Pearl Jam's cover of "Last Kiss"

We were out on a date in my daddy's car/We hadn't driven very far/There in the road, up straight ahead/A car was stalled, the engine was dead/I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right/I'll never forget the sound that night/The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass/The painful scream that I heard last.
Oh, where oh where can my baby be?/The Lord took her away from me/She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good/So I can see my baby when I leave this world.