Friday, February 26, 2010

A Spring (Break) In My Step

Spring Break is nice and all, but so far it has been a bore to yours truly. I’ve been home in East Providence for about 5 hours and already I want to go back to Providence College as badly as Kevin McAllister’s mom wanted to go back home to Chicago in Home Alone (1 and 2). Thus far, the most exciting thing that’s happened so far is thinking that I’ll be able to shower and not have to flaunt my body wearing nothing but a towel down a hallway of chock full o’ men. So far, I’ve watched 10 minutes of 16 & Pregnant, which is one of the more depressing shows on television these days, and now I’m watching the Vermont Catamounts play puck with the Boston University Terriers, like I care. What is a Catamount anyway? Sounds like the offspring of a catapult and a Mountie (picture Dudley Do Right), but I’m being told that it is a type of cat. I don’t get it. Anyways, I’ll tell you how to have a great Spring Break.

Location- Location is key. I can’t say that East Providence, Rhode Island is my key destination for spring break, but where else am I gonna go? Vermont? In order to have a successful vacation, go somewhere either A) exotic such as Miami, Aruba, South Boston, any casino, or San Diego, B) fun such as Los Angeles, Chicago, London, or Harlem, or C) different, such as anywhere in Texas, Scotland, Moscow, or Haddonfield, Illinois. You want to do something fun on Spring Break. Create memories that you remember only through pictures that you review the following morning and try your hardest to remember. Befriend natives, try not to piss off locals and take part in local festivities if any are around.

Gameplan – In order to have a great Spring Break, you have to do something fun. When visiting someplace, I like to convince my dad to get tickets to whatever sports team is in town at the same time that I am. I’ve seen Barry Bonds play in San Francisco, Curt Schilling pitch in Anaheim, Nomar Garciaparra pinch hit in Dodgertown, and the Red Sox lose to the White Sox in Chicago, all of which were wonderful times. If sports is not your cup of tea, or if the team in the place you’re going sucks, you can always scare people. One of my friends/sworn enemies told me that he and his friends once made a noose from a rope they had, and drove around Cape Cod with it. At each red light the person in the passenger seat would take the noose and turn to the driver to the car’s right, hold the noose and point to the driver while staring daggers at the perplexed driver. Is this morally wrong? Yes. Is it funny? Yes. Is being funny more important that morals? Always. Try doing this to locals and see what happens. If this still isn’t your cup of tea, then go ride a mechanical bull or something.

Memories- You need something to have as a keepsake of your trip. In my book, the odder the better. If I were in middle school, I would never wear a shirt that says “Somebody in Delaware Loves Me!”, but that was because was a middle schooler and cared about what I wore, because everyone knows that if you don’t dress right in middle school you are to suffer more than if you killed a Nun. Now that I’m in college and really couldn’t care less about what I wear, a shirt like this would be wonderful. I’d support any small town that was my host for a few nights over spring break, besides Tilton, New Hampshire. That place sucked. Keepsakes are wonderful because most people won’t have the same thing. What are the odds that I’ll run into someone wearing the same “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” t-shirt that I got in El Paso back in ’99? My friend Frank the Tank has a tshirt from Dirty Ernie’s Rib Pit (I can't believe I found a picture of this on google images), I’m not sure where it is, but you can bet that I want to go there someday. It’s called novelty my friends. Novelty.

Relaxation- As Frankie Goes To Hollywood would say, Relax. As a college student, I have a hard life. Having a week off is like a gift from God. Although I won’t be doing too much myself, I won’t call this Spring Break a success unless I wake up after 12:30 every single day this week. You, the reader, should do the same. Relax over your Spring Break. If I were at a spa this week, I’d take advantage of a masseuse and lounge poolside wearing just a bathrobe and sunglasses, but unfortunately this is not the case. You only live twice, so if you get time to stop and smell the roses, do so. Work hard, play hard. Live by it.

Now, I’m begging you all to take this advice and have yourself a wonderful Spring Break. As for me, I plan on getting a haircut, reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, bonding with my Siberian Husky Juneau, learning how Warren Buffett got so rich, teach myself to speak Russian, meditate, look at paintings for my future home, make a snow angel, catch up with episodes of The Office, figure out if there is a true answer to “paper or plastic?” and watch episodes of Charlie Brown to figure out why Snoopy is feuding with The Red Baron. As you can see, it will be a productive week for yours truly, so do me a favor and have a great break. I realize Providence College has an early break so most of you haven’t had your Spring Break yet, but when you do, do something exciting.

In regards to this Spring Break, I’m not doing anything. However, my dear friend Bethany Sales is going to Daytona Beach this week, which just so happens to be the same week as Bike Week. Beth has signed on to be my first official correspondent for the blog, and will be reporting her findings of bike week, which I can only imagine will be interesting. I’m also glad Beth signed on to be my correspondent, because she is witty, beautiful, funny, knows how to wear a pair of boots, and is a fellow resident of Rumford, East Providence, Rhode Island, USA. Can’t go wrong here folks.

Finally, I’d like to give a very special shoutout to my dear friend Chris Rizzini, who is turning 21 tomorrow. Happy birthday big guy, now I can use you to buy me booze. This kid is one of the few people who makes me laugh without doing so on purpose, which I’m not sure is a good thing for him, but it helps me out in the long run.

Also, feel free to leave comments on the blogposts. I like feedback as long as they are not personal attacks or somebody making awful jokes about my mother, she’s a nice lady. So go ahead, wish Chris a happy birthday, tell me I suck, or help me and Danny out by giving us ideas for what our book cover should consist of. If somebody gives us a good idea for the book cover, we will give you a mention in our book and I’ll give you a free copy of the book whenever it comes out. Just keep in mind that we want to mock pulp culture in some way.
Welp, see ya later.


  1. kudos to you. this post actually made me laugh..unlike the one about that Danny character...he's lame. you're making a comeback.
    Thoroughly entertained on a Friday night in a place far, far away from you

  2. its a great thing i make you laugh jim..or else you would be depressed and would resort to cocaine! But thanks for the shoutout BRO!

  3. Dear far, far, away...
    Danny is not lame. Unless by lame you mean fucking awesome or sarcastic to a fault. Then, you could say he was lame.

    Moderately entertained on a Saturday afternoon in a place kinda near you

  4. kevin's mom didnt want to be home in home alone 2: lost in new york.
    she was scouring new york city looking for her son.


  6. cat·a·mount   [kat-uh-mount]
    a wild animal of the cat family, esp. the cougar or the lynx.
    2.A large powerful wild cat (Felis concolor) of mountainous regions of the Western Hemisphere, having an unmarked tawny body.

  7. Jim,
    East Providence is not that different from Providence. Everything available to you in Providence is available to you in East Providence (if not a short ride away).