Set Phasers to Sun

They say if you love something, set it free. If it was meant to be, it will come back in the time of a global pandemic that has caused some stir crazy boredom. Hello all, to quote the terrible "band" Staind, it's been a whiiiiiile.

I would like to first and foremost apologize to the universe. I recently got a girlfriend (Hi J) and this clearly threw the universe off kilter and now we are dealing with this goddamn Coronavirus and we're all stuck at home wondering why everyone is stocking up on toilet paper. So, my bad on that one, you guys. Anywho, I'm running out things to do. I've gotten very good at darts at the expense of my poor father, who may be writing me out of his will for all this losing he's been dealing with. I'm also getting very good at FIFA on my iPad, at the expense of random Europeans I will never meet. I'm not too concerned about their wills. I am now at a point of wanting to rant and rave, and will do that by making random lists and stating random thoughts out of nowhere! Play the hits, you know?

Top 5 Most Tragic Moments in Popular Music Songs

5. Nicki Minaj- Starships: 

Now look, I don't hate this song. It is catchy as all hell, and it brings me back to drinking solo cups of shitty beer in college. Talk about simpler times in about every which way imaginable. Anyways, Starships is a perfectly fine pop/rap song, however there is one part which stands out to me of just...why is it even in there? This of course is:

Bump in my hoopty-hoopty-hoop I own that

And I ain't paying my rent this month I owe that

But fuck who you want, and fuck who you like

Dance all ya life there's no end in sight

Twinkle, twinkle little star

Ah yes. I mean I could start with whatever bump in my hoopty-hoopty-hoop I own that, but the real issue is the random Twinkle, twinkle little star moment Ms. Minaj throws us. For someone who loves to remind us how much of a self-proclaimed ~*Bad Bitch*~ she is, throwing a nursery line haphazardly in the middle of her biggest hit is a bit of a head-scratcher. How absolutely random. It doesn't even rhyme with anything! It is cringe worthy and it makes me kinda glad Cardi B has taken the spotlight from her. Maybe it would've worked better if she went with Humpty Dumpty instead.

4. Guns n' Roses- Civil War: Oh Axl. Why did you have to do this to yourself? For those who may not know Civil War, you have this 7 minute and 33 second song that has a long, slow build, with lots of pianos and a surprising heartfelt message that turns into a very good rock song towards the end. It's almost like GnR's own Stairway to Heaven. The thing is, it's a great song...until the very end where Axl just had to go and ruin it. At the 7:13 mark, as the song is starting to fade out with some distorted guitar, some claps of thunder and a bit of whistling, Axl Rose had to go and utter the line "what's so civil about war, anyway?" What a douche.

You know damn well that Axl, the egomaniac that he is, probably thought this was the most philosophical question since Plato, and he was probably SO proud of it. I guess when you spell your name as an anagram of oral sex (isn't that mind-blowing?) you would probably think that last line was good.

3. America- Horse With No Name: Dammit Yusef. All I've heard about is how he was supposed to be a prolific songwriter who got all Islamic or something and gave up a promising career. I'm calling shenanigans on all that hype. But Jim, why are you giving Cat such a hard time? Oh I don't know, maybe look to his biggest hit, Horse With No Name and it would appear that he is the Songwriter With No Ideas. Okay so I'm going to be honest I just looked up the lyrics to the song and I am shocked to learn that this was not a Cat Stevens song and actually some band called America. Huh. Well this paragraph took a turn. Anyways, Cat Stevens is off the hook for this one and let me target America (well...not that way). The lyrics in question are:

On the first part of the journey 

I was looking at all the life

There were plants and birds and rocks and things

There was sand and hills and rings

? What the shit? Plants and birds and rocks and THINGS? You really couldn't have thought up anything else than things? How did this song even get popular? First he couldn't even come up with a name for the damn horse and then he can't use anything to use instead of things that rhymes with rings? Also what kind of rings is he even referring to with sand and hills? I had a whole lot more of  rant going on here but I'm still in shock it took me 29 years to learn this was not by Cat Stevens. Oh well. Can't win em all.

2. Kid Rock- Cowboy: It is hard to believe that we can look back at Kid Rock and his awful rock rapper nu-metal cowboy persona and call that his more likable era. Now a days he's just....a real life Joe Dirt.

simpler times.

 But for now, let's go back in time to 1998 to examine Cowboy, one of his first breakthrough hits. Just one read through makes you want to hope to God that no one does it at a karaoke bar you're at. After namedropping Heidi Fleiss and rapping about chillin with prostitutes and telling the sheriff he's going to paint his town red and paint his wife white (followed by a very unsettling UHH!) we get to the worst part: inserting his own radio edit on an unedited song.

Cuss like a sailor, drink like a mick

My only words of wisdom are just (radio edit)

I'm flicking my Bic up and down that coast

And keep on trucking 'til I fall in the ocean

After all his American Badassery in the lyrics leading up to it, what the hell could have been said for him to insert a radio edit? Was he actually saying something nice and he couldn't have that on the record? I can't imagine anything being worse than calling himself a G and referring to a girl as a 'slimmy' but whatever it is had to be edited despite the other swears already in there. It's just laughable to hear it now. Can't wait until he runs out of Lynyrd Skynyrd songs to rip off.

1. Blessid Union of Souls- Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me): "Bro I'm telling you, these dudes and Eagle Eye Cherry are gonna be the faces of Rock n Roll for years to come!" said Chad, sipping his Zima next to the payphone in 1998. First of all, much respect to these guys for getting all artsy and spelling it 'Blessid'. Artistic geniuses. Don't get me wrong, this song is quite catchy. One of those feel good hits of the summer that could even get Ron Swanson to bop his head a little bit. You know how when songs mention what year it is and it's never a good idea because once it's no longer that year you become incredibly *so last year* and then clubs won't play you anymore? I would like to say a clear example in this song is when he mentions his collection of DVD's (42 seconds in) and this super cool film projector sound plays. Now that is a sound byte that probably seemed amazing 22 years ago and was super inventive but...it's just so cringe worthy now.

Of course, this sent me down the wormhole and I was in for a treat as the lyrics are even so much worse and does very little to help this song age like a fine wine. Let's take a looky-loo, as there is a lot to mock!

She likes me for me

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford

With the charm of Robert Redford

Oozing out my ears

Okay even back when this came out, wasn't Robert Redford like 109 years old? Is he anybody else's go-to when you think of charming celebs? What, did he think Paul Newman would be too hard to rhyme or something? Also, who the shit is Tyson Beckford? I am not even going to google him because I kinda like knowing these guys name-dropped a dude in a wildly popular song and I've gone 20 years without knowing who the hell he is. Let's continue.

She likes me for me

Not because I hang with Leonardo

Or that guy who played in "Fargo"

I think his name is Steve

Outstanding. I highly doubt Blessid Union of Souls was hanging out with Leonardo. I think they would have a better shot of hanging out with Leonardo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than hanging out with Leo Dicaprio in real life. Me thinks this dude is liar! And also, I love that they give out a shoutout in their biggest hit song to a guy who played in Fargo, and they're not even sure if his name is Steve. Way to pay attention. Maybe they actually thought Blessed is actually spelled Blessid...

She likes me for me

Not because I sing like Pavarotti

Or because I am such a hottie

I like her for her

Not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford

She has got so much to offer

Holy shit.

I mean, wow. First, he compares his voice to the long standing Opera maestro Pavarotti, which is total disrespect to him. The only thing worse than comparing himself to him talent-wise? Realizing 5 seconds later that he only name dropped him so that it would easily rhyme when he calls himself "such a hottie". That sensation you're feeling? Those are called Douche Chills. It's alright, you'll get through it, but just be warned, we ain't done yet, cause we have to discuss that he is comparing his lover to Cindy Crawford. She's phat like Cindy Crawford. Okay, so she's obviously in great shape as CC is a timeless beauty. Calling her 'phat', yes with the ph, is so impressively terrible. Sure, he found a way to call her cool in proper 1998 style and it's kind of a double entendre in a way, but Jesus Christ that's bad. Thank God they were a one hit wonder.

• Are we completely certain Will Smith wasn't rapping about Miami, Ohio?

• I have now seen the light and despite the twenty year of bringing my fellow New Englanders and I joy, Tom Brady is a douchebag. It doesn't even pain me to say it, if I'm being honest. I was okay and even understood him leaving the Pats for Tampa Bay...but now that he filed trademarks for "Tompa Bay" and "Tampa Brady"? What an ass. Is this what it was like for all you other non-Patriot fans all these years? Was he always this annoying? They aren't even clever. Maybe I'll move down to Tampa and file "Jimpa Bay". It's just as stupid as his, so why not? Oh and by the way, Gronk: you sucked at acting, you sucked with WWE, you were the most obvious contestant on the Masked Singer (so I've been told) and that whole thing where you kept teasing you were coming out of retirement to get Patriot fans hopes up all last year was a dick move. You suck ass too. Nice job ruining your legacy and reputation in the one part of the country you were actually liked, Dumbass.

No more high fives for you Thomas.

• Do you think Bozo the Clown is proud of the legacy he has left behind? He was such an iconic clown that you can call someone a Bozo and you know exactly what it means. The problem is that you really only call someone a Bozo if they're being dumb, so can it be that great if you're legacy is being mocked? I have a degree in Psychology by the way.

• I love the James Bond franchise. Always have, always will. The first big cancellation before everything in the world got cancelled was the next Bond movie No Time to Die which was moved from April to November, and that was when my anger started developing for this stupid virus. The James Bond Franchise is similar to Blink 182, in my opinion. Despite all the serious nature of them, there are always moments that will make you groan and laugh at due to absurd and totally corny moments. With Blink, you can have a super depressing and sad song like 'Adam's Song' appear on an album entitled Enema of the State. With Bond, you can have him save the world from terrorists, evil geniuses, nuclear bombs, and the like, all with some of the most corny one liners and oddly named characters in an other wise serious film. It's almost like it was a game that got turned into a tradition of "Hey I wonder if this will get by the censors" and they've continued to push it to this very day. This next list was inspired by yours truly watching a Pierce Brosnan (great Bond with unfortunate screenplays to work with) era movie with a character that I swear was given her name solely so the final line/joke of the movie could be told, and this was just one of many, so let's look at em!

Top 6 Most Absurd Bond Girl Names Ever:

6. Dr. Christmas Jones (The World is Not Enough): So this is the one that started the idea for this list. First off, Dr. Christmas Jones is a nuclear physicist played by Denise Richards. Yes. Denise Richards. Nuclear physicist. As if that isn't funny enough, you know she was named Christmas for one reason, and one reason only: the final line of the movie. Spoiler alert, Bond saves the world and the final scene cuts to them having a ~shag~ and Bond, that silver tongued devil, says "I was wrong about you." Dr. Jones then says "Yeah? How so?" and that's when Bond says "I thought Christmas only comes once a year." The end.

the video game depiction didn't do her justice

5. Xenia Onatopp (GoldenEye): For the first time in history, the name Xenia is upstaged by a last name. Maybe the censor just assumed it was Russian orthodox or something?

sultry!

4. Dr. Molly Warmflash (The World Is Not Enough, yes again): Gadzooks! I would love to be the person who suggested this as a character name and watch it go through the whole process of being made into a movie without it being changed. I hope he or she won a bet with someone that the name would make it into the movie, because it is impressively bad.

3. Plenty O'Toole (Diamonds Are Forever): A nice common Irish name just has to go and get ruined by the only 'first name' that could make it dirty. I think this name would be even too lame for a cheesy porno to use, but it's perfectly fine for a Bond film. Go figure. Successful franchise!

2. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker): In Moonraker, Bond has to find who stole a space shuttle, which leads him to outer space where he has to stop a plot to end the world's population and the start of a new master race on the moon. All of that fails in comparison to the absurdly named astronaut/CIA agent/Scientist Holly Goodhead. Her father must've hated middle school with a name like that.

1. Pussy Galore (Gold Finger): The exact opposite of my college experience! Dear God. I think of all the stupid pun names to come out of Hollywood, this takes the cake. Seriously, not just in Bond films, ALL films. This movie came out in 1964 and I bet you can't think of a more absurd name. Of course, there is an iconic (I guess) line where she meets James Bond and tells him that her name is Pussy Galore where a confused Bond says "I must be dreaming". I'd call it a sexual innuendo but its not even an innuendo because it's just so so blatant. There is no beating around the bush on this one. Oh God, that one wasn't on purpose I swear. I'm gonna keep it in the blog though.

that google image search did not go so well.

• Isn't it weird that Fun Size and Party Size are two very different things? Like a fun sized snickers bar is very lacking and hardly satisfies anyone's hunger, yet a party sized bag of, say, Smartfood is just an absurd amount for one person. Yet, parties are fun and go hand in hand with each other...so shouldn't they be more similar than opposite? Once again, I have a degree in psychology.

• One of the tragic losses from COVID-19 in pop culture was Adam Schlesinger, one of the founding members of Fountains of Wayne. I felt nostalgic about that one as in the 8th grade my friend Jordan would always bring a boombox on the back of our school bus (complete with 16 D batteries) and he had a mix cd that featured Stacy's Mom and Mexican Wine by them on it (along with 3 of Chingy's biggest hits). I went down the Wikipedia wormhole and learned a slew of info, including that Fountains of Wayne was named after a lawn ornament store in New Jersey, that name replaced their former band name of Three Men Who When Standing Side By Side Have a Wingspan of Over Twelve Feet (yes seriously). This of course led to the Stacy's Mom music video, which in turn made me look up who was it who played the Mom (just out of curiosity! Hi Julie) and learned that it was played by Rachel Hunter who, incredibly, was married to Rod Stewart (she is 24 years younger than him) and also dated Wes Scantlin of Puddle of Mudd, which means she successfully dated the north and south pole of rock stars. Impressive when you think about it. Isn't love funny? Maybe she's the one Wes wrote "She Hates Me" about. Probably a long list of contenders on that one. 

• Speaking of, if you need a good laugh, watch this cover Puddle of Mudd did of Nirvana's 'About a Girl' at a radio station about 2 months ago. It is such an incredible train wreck that you will actually laugh out loud knowing that they are a professional band.

• Can you guys believe Gwyenth Paltrow made a candle ($75) that is scented like her hoo-ha? I feel like this would have been a bigger story but everything has been so batshit crazy this year that it just kind of fits into the scheme of things. I am fascinated by this entire process. I can't even imagine the amount of walking on egg shells that had to take place during meetings discussing things with Gwyenth about what do we name it or how do we describe the scent. I am fascinated by this story and may need a tell-all book at some point. By the way, naming it 'This Smells Like My Vagina' was probably the safest name they could have rolled with.

• I do not talk politics on this blog because nothing good can come of it. That being said? I would like to congratulate anyone who voted for a guy who suggested that it is worth looking into injecting Lysol to cure COVID-19, or maybe use the Sun's UV rays to enter the body to destroy this 'invisible enemy'. Nice going on that one. When you're soaking up all those UV rays from the Sun and all that Vitamin D for Dumbass, remember who suggested it and how he got into office. Set your phasers to Sun! It really is like an unfunny Michael Scott is in charge of running the US. Sad!

• Not gonna lie, I'm kind of tired of people calling Tom Hanks "America's Dad". He already has 3 very different sons and sure he's a good actor and all but...why him? Dude's best friend was a volleyball at one point. Kinda weird. I'll give you three better options for America's Dad right here, right now:

3 Better Contenders for America's Dad Not Named Tom Hanks:

1. Red Foreman- Tough, firm, willing to stick his foot up your ass. Red is a real man's man and that cannot be argued. Also I respect his love of flannel shirts. Game respects game!

2. Phil Banks- Now I know he is more commonly viewed as Uncle Phil and maybe he should be "America's Uncle" but c'mon the man was a loving father who willingly took in Will from West Philadelphia to give him a charmed life in Bel-Air. If that doesn't get you bonus points for being an overall good guy (plus a successful career as a lawyer, means he's driven and has brains) then I don't know what can.

3. Dr. Evil- We need him more now than ever.

• I can't believe Kim Jong-Un had to go and get all brain dead right before his buddy Dennis Rodman's episode of the Last Dance was to appear on ESPN tonight. Timing is everything, Rocketman. Oh, well. That's what ya get.

friends til the end! this is the end.

Finally, I would just like to say that this has been refreshing blogging again. Of course I say this after I had most of the blog completely done before everything but the opening paragraph was deleted because Blogspot sucks and it took me about 2 weeks and a million anger beers to get over it, but still! Hope everyone stays safe out there, and I'll have more material for a new blog in a week or two. Getting into the swing of things again, ya know?

Live. Laugh. Loathe.