Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Satan Strikes Back

Just as everybody was getting over that terrible cold-in-song-form that just wouldn't go away entitled "Friday", Rebecca Black has returned with a new single called Person of Interest. Person of Interest eh? The person who I'm interested in right now is whoever gave the greenlight for Ms. Black to get another single. Shockingly, this song sucks. How can Rebecca Black do this to herself? Didn't she learn her lesson that she might not have the greatest voice, even with the help of technology and digital enhancement these days? Didn't she go through enough problems and hatred with the aftermath of Friday? Wouldn't she think if she got a second chance, to make a good song before releasing it? Have America's education systems failed us where Rebecca Black has to sing (kind of ) such simplistic lines as "When I talk, you listen, I like that/ When you listen, you smile and I like that/ Why you lookin', lookin', at me just like that?/ I like that, I like that,". Rebecca Black might be the reason other countries in the world hate us. Its people like her, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton that make people wonder where they went so wrong in life in a world where these idiots are famous.

Time to break down the music video itself. Right off the bat, Rebecca Black is Godawful at skee ball. I mean granted I guess after all the bullying and teasing she went through, Rebecca Black probably hasn't been hitting up the local arcades and boardwalks as much as she used to. Next up is the Justin Bieber lookalike in the hollister shirt. Is he shorter than Rebecca? Also, dude, you aren't looking too badass by doing the 'dirt off your shoulder' move as evidenced at the 39 second mark. It's not 2003 anymore. Oh, and really Bieber, you get all those tickets and the best thing you get your girl is a half chocolate-half strawberry colored teddy bear? Sure, arcade prizes aren't great, but chocolate and strawberry? Everyone likes vanilla and chocolate the most out of the 3 Neopolitan ice cream flavors.

I'd also like to point out at the 1:52 point how typical girls are post-picture taking. The face that Rebecca Black makes is something us guys have seen numerous times over the years. You know what I'm talking about, take a picture, the girls look at it and immediately say how gross they look and need to take another three pictures of the same shot. Get over it. You don't look any different from 18 seconds ago. Also in regard to the photobooth part, the Bieber lookalike did do a nice job photobombing that booth at the 1:49 mark, even if he does look like a lesbian with that haircut.

I would also like to point out that Rebecca Black seems to be wasting the time of a police officer all throughout this video. If you get in trouble for prank calling 911, shouldn't you get in trouble talking to a cop about a missing person who really isn't missing, as evidenced at the end of the video where Becky Black and Biebz walk away together after the cop drew that lovely caricature of the two of them, even without knowing what the guy looked like. By the way, isn't it a bit over the top for police to use crime scene tape at an arcade over a 14 year old who got separated from a girl? Lord knows at 14 I was avoiding some girls who were looking for me at the Seekonk Grand Prix back in the day.

Now on to the go-kart portion of the video. Unlike in the "Friday" video, go-karts are an actual form of automobile legal for a 14 year old to drive, which is a nice change on her part. Also, girl at the 2:11 mark, I see you rocking out with your makeshift mini-golf putter-guitar. How long did these girls spend at the this arcade place? I got bored at these places after a few hours, and these kids are still playing mini golf well into the black of the night. Thanks for making me cringe due to the corniness you displayed with that. It's also nice that Gwen Stefani's Harajuku Girls came out of retirement to let Rebecca Black get on stage to let her rock out with them. That's a good career move. Love Angel Music Baby indeed. Needless to say, Rebecca Black has done it again and made the world a more gray and depressing place to live.

On a final note, I've decided to bring back the Catholic School Girls Rock Experiment, but this time I need non-Rhode Island school girls. Therefore, if you went to a Catholic All-Girls school and if you think you're interesting and funny, let me know via facebook, twitter, myspace (just kidding, sort of, yeah I am) or in the comment section below. Like last time, it'll be a survey for you to fill out and hopefully get creative with. Lastly, thank you to Maggie Nolin, Fairfield's Finest, for giving me the heads up about this gem of a song.

Try not to get Person of Interest stuck in your head.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Finding Out True Love is Blind: The Rise and Fall of HumpDash

This was indeed a sad week for love. The world now has even more of a reason to hate Kim Kardashian, which is pretty amazing in itself. Truth be told, I would've loved to blog about this topic, but I'm just way too busy this week to do so. Luckily for myself, and more importantly, you the reader, dear friend Danny Allen was on the case to write about this fiasco of a relationship. Enjoy it. There is no one else I would trust with this blog besides Danny. - Jimothy

The most ghoulish news of Halloween 2011 was the reports that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from above-average NBA Rebounder, Kris Humphries. Although their matrimony only lasted 72 days and their wedding allowed the couple to make $18 million. I, for one, was just as broken up as when Adam LaRoche was traded away after just six games at Fenway.

For those of you lucky enough to be living under a rock and don’t know the main players of HumpDash, allow me to provide you with some background:

Kris Humphries was a highly touted high school basketball player who enrolled at the University of Minnesota and dominated there for a year. He chose Minnesota when Kansas players begged their legendary coach to stop recruiting him because he came off as such a dickhead on his recruiting visit. Much like ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom at THE University of Rhode Island, Humphries’ teammates didn’t like him and the Minnesota program was also better off when he was gone. Also, he was the second best youth swimmer behind twice-convicted drunk driver and Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps. Humphries floundered in the NBA for a few years before becoming the tallest midget on this year’s New Jersey Nets team.

Kim Kardashian’s family made their money when her biological father was part of the legal dream team that helped OJ Simpson remain free so that he could find that real killer. Kardashian’s father has since passed away and her mother is now married to Olympic hero, Bruce Jenner. Kim rose to fame by appearing in a music video with the brother of R&B goddess, Brandy. The film was titled Kim Kardashian: Superstar; Ray J didn’t see the single on any of the Billboard charts though, most likely because it focused more on him having sex with Kim and only making inaudible groans.

Kim Kardashian was able to parlay her public debut in the music industry (get it?) into an artistically fulfilling reality TV career. Highlights of her career include Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Along the way, she has been linked to almost URI alum, Miles Austin and fantasy football enigma, Reggie Bush. Surprisingly, neither man was worth Kim’s undivided, doting attention as a loving, conservative housewife. Kim also was married to a music producer for a few years in her late teens or something.

Kim and Kris met when Kim’s handlers put out feelers to NBA teams in big media markets as a way to set up Kim on a blind date. Kim’s first choice, il Gallo, spurned her. In retaliation, the Knicks shipped Danilo Gallinari to Denver with the hopes that he toils away to obscurity in Colorado. After all other options were exhausted, Kris Humphries bit and a most magical romance ensued. Tabloids had pictures of the two lovebirds frolicking on an exotic beach with Kim in an elegant bikini and Kris in cargo shorts. Lust turned to like and like turned to love, as the couple was married on August 20, 2011.

Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are different, yes, but they are also alike. For instance, both rose to fame by sucking on camera surrounded by black guys, but they are different in that Kris Humphries’ sucking was more in the figurative sense. On the surface, they were perfect; each accepted the other’s faults. For Kim, it must have been difficult for her to watch her boyfriend get beat on the defensive end, only to watch him miss free throws and open jump shots on the other end of the court.

For Kris, it must have been difficult to watch Kim’s promising career be built on a foundation of legalized whoredom. It must have been difficult to watch her be linked to famous athletes. It must have been difficult for him to tolerate her reality shows and pretend that they were good. It must have been difficult to go out in public with Skechers on. It must have been difficult to answer if specific outfits made her butt look big.

But these difficulties are the spice of life! I thought that Kris and Kim had a special bond that would be able to overcome the shallow, materialistic, exploitive personas that the media portrays them (her) as having. I thought that the tweets of encouragement that everyone was sending would be read and taken to heart by Kim. I thought the NBA lockout would allow them to start a family and allow them to grow as people the way Scott and Kourtney have.

As the leaves turn and begin to fall and fall gives way to winter, I grow a little sad inside. The holidays are time for family and four seasons ago when Keeping Up With the Kardashians debuted on E!, they became apart of my family. So what if they’re the part of my family that I never want to talk about? Family is family and yesterday, my family got a little bit smaller. I hate to say it, but the future looks bleak. The sun doesn’t shine as bright and we found out that HumpDash went the way of Bennifer.

So this weekend, take some time to reflect about this tragic news and temper your expectations. Because if Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian weren’t meant to be, then how can any of us be happy? Sure they’ll go their separate ways - Kris will get overpaid by a mediocre NBA team and Kim will do whatever it is she does for money, but will they be happy? Signature perfume lines and getting good position on the low block can only go so far, because as ancient philosopher Sophocles once said, “One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.”