Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Finding Out True Love is Blind: The Rise and Fall of HumpDash

This was indeed a sad week for love. The world now has even more of a reason to hate Kim Kardashian, which is pretty amazing in itself. Truth be told, I would've loved to blog about this topic, but I'm just way too busy this week to do so. Luckily for myself, and more importantly, you the reader, dear friend Danny Allen was on the case to write about this fiasco of a relationship. Enjoy it. There is no one else I would trust with this blog besides Danny. - Jimothy

The most ghoulish news of Halloween 2011 was the reports that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from above-average NBA Rebounder, Kris Humphries. Although their matrimony only lasted 72 days and their wedding allowed the couple to make $18 million. I, for one, was just as broken up as when Adam LaRoche was traded away after just six games at Fenway.

For those of you lucky enough to be living under a rock and don’t know the main players of HumpDash, allow me to provide you with some background:

Kris Humphries was a highly touted high school basketball player who enrolled at the University of Minnesota and dominated there for a year. He chose Minnesota when Kansas players begged their legendary coach to stop recruiting him because he came off as such a dickhead on his recruiting visit. Much like ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom at THE University of Rhode Island, Humphries’ teammates didn’t like him and the Minnesota program was also better off when he was gone. Also, he was the second best youth swimmer behind twice-convicted drunk driver and Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps. Humphries floundered in the NBA for a few years before becoming the tallest midget on this year’s New Jersey Nets team.

Kim Kardashian’s family made their money when her biological father was part of the legal dream team that helped OJ Simpson remain free so that he could find that real killer. Kardashian’s father has since passed away and her mother is now married to Olympic hero, Bruce Jenner. Kim rose to fame by appearing in a music video with the brother of R&B goddess, Brandy. The film was titled Kim Kardashian: Superstar; Ray J didn’t see the single on any of the Billboard charts though, most likely because it focused more on him having sex with Kim and only making inaudible groans.

Kim Kardashian was able to parlay her public debut in the music industry (get it?) into an artistically fulfilling reality TV career. Highlights of her career include Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Along the way, she has been linked to almost URI alum, Miles Austin and fantasy football enigma, Reggie Bush. Surprisingly, neither man was worth Kim’s undivided, doting attention as a loving, conservative housewife. Kim also was married to a music producer for a few years in her late teens or something.

Kim and Kris met when Kim’s handlers put out feelers to NBA teams in big media markets as a way to set up Kim on a blind date. Kim’s first choice, il Gallo, spurned her. In retaliation, the Knicks shipped Danilo Gallinari to Denver with the hopes that he toils away to obscurity in Colorado. After all other options were exhausted, Kris Humphries bit and a most magical romance ensued. Tabloids had pictures of the two lovebirds frolicking on an exotic beach with Kim in an elegant bikini and Kris in cargo shorts. Lust turned to like and like turned to love, as the couple was married on August 20, 2011.

Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are different, yes, but they are also alike. For instance, both rose to fame by sucking on camera surrounded by black guys, but they are different in that Kris Humphries’ sucking was more in the figurative sense. On the surface, they were perfect; each accepted the other’s faults. For Kim, it must have been difficult for her to watch her boyfriend get beat on the defensive end, only to watch him miss free throws and open jump shots on the other end of the court.

For Kris, it must have been difficult to watch Kim’s promising career be built on a foundation of legalized whoredom. It must have been difficult to watch her be linked to famous athletes. It must have been difficult for him to tolerate her reality shows and pretend that they were good. It must have been difficult to go out in public with Skechers on. It must have been difficult to answer if specific outfits made her butt look big.

But these difficulties are the spice of life! I thought that Kris and Kim had a special bond that would be able to overcome the shallow, materialistic, exploitive personas that the media portrays them (her) as having. I thought that the tweets of encouragement that everyone was sending would be read and taken to heart by Kim. I thought the NBA lockout would allow them to start a family and allow them to grow as people the way Scott and Kourtney have.

As the leaves turn and begin to fall and fall gives way to winter, I grow a little sad inside. The holidays are time for family and four seasons ago when Keeping Up With the Kardashians debuted on E!, they became apart of my family. So what if they’re the part of my family that I never want to talk about? Family is family and yesterday, my family got a little bit smaller. I hate to say it, but the future looks bleak. The sun doesn’t shine as bright and we found out that HumpDash went the way of Bennifer.

So this weekend, take some time to reflect about this tragic news and temper your expectations. Because if Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian weren’t meant to be, then how can any of us be happy? Sure they’ll go their separate ways - Kris will get overpaid by a mediocre NBA team and Kim will do whatever it is she does for money, but will they be happy? Signature perfume lines and getting good position on the low block can only go so far, because as ancient philosopher Sophocles once said, “One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.”

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