Tostitos: Spice Up My Life!

 I like to consider myself a man of refined taste. I like the finer things in life and one of the finest things that I have enjoyed over the years is salsa con queso. When it comes to salsa con queso, Tostitos is the king. A true titan of the queso industry. Tostitos salsa con queso is something that has always been there for me. In need of an uplifting snack after the work day? Tostitos queso. Need some sustenance after stumbling home drunk from the bar after too many Narragansett tall boys? Tostitos queso. Just overall bored by life’s mundane moments? Tostitos queso. 

awesomeness in a jar

Tostitos salsa con queso has brought an absurd amount of joy into my life at literally any hour of the day. It’s mix of cheese with chilies and whatever else is in there is utterly divine. This being said, however, I must admit that here in the year of our lord Twenty Hundred and Twenty Three, I have one small gripe with my beloved Tostitos: I need more heat. Gimme more heat.

Why be mild when you can get wild, baby! This is the flaming hot generation. I challenge Tostitos to step up and give the good people of the world what they deserve: spicy salsa con queso! In case you didn’t know, their salsa con queso dip is only available in 'medium'. I am not one to mess with perfection, but I do think we can try to advance perfection by also have the spicier alternative available at grocery stores near you. I mean think about it, flaming hot this, flaming hot that. Flaming hot tires, flaming hot air fresheners, flaming hot towels, you name it, flaming hot has taken over and has become a way of life for most people. Shoutout to Cheeto’s for starting this movement, I guess. 

I mean if even Funyuns can get flaming hot...

Tostitos already has their spicy habanero salsa, quite tasty may I add, so why not up the ante on the queso as well? What could go wrong? Your so sales go so far through the roof that you may need to pay for a new one? This is a no-brainer. You already have the chip and dip industry in a chokehold. Now is the time to give the industry a stone cold stunner and finish the job. I believe that this is one of the few things that everyone in this country can actually agree on. 

Meg thy stallion knows flaming hot is the trend

As a very proud queso connoisseur (…quesonoisseur? May need to workshop this one) it is time to begin a new movement. I hope this blog not only finds Tostitos well, but it gives someone with a lot of brains the idea to pitch to the big board meeting next week or whatever. We deserve more spice in our life! My honest wish is that by the Super Bowl 2024, I will be able to heat up a nice big bowl of Tostitos Spicy Salsa Con Queso, rip open a bag of Tostitos scoops and have myself one hell of a day. It won’t even matter who’s playing or how much money I’ll have lost on various bets. As long as spicy salsa con queso is around, I’ll feel like a winner. 

Make it happen, people! Let the movement begin! 

Bow-Wow. Chicka Chickaahhhh.

So today youtube presented us with a magnificent gift: a trailer for a super bowl commercial involving Ferris Bueller. In case you haven’t heard of youtube or just don’t feel like clicking the link above, essentially it shows an aged Matthew Broderick in a robe, pushing open his curtains and saying “how can I handle work on a day like today” complete with a musical “bow wow, chicka chickahhhh”. Along with this glorious scene is the date ‘2.5.12’ which just so happens to be the date of the super bowl. The big question everyone is asking and hoping for, is if a sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off will actually happen.

If you were to show me a person who doesn’t like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I’ll show you a person who is a liar. Truth be told, everyone is a fan of Ferris Bueller. He’s a hero to normal kids. Popular, savvy, fond of cheetah prints, dates a girl named Sloane, it’s impossible to not like him. Everyone wishes they could pull off half of what Ferris did on his day off during their high school years. There is a good reason why this short, 10 second clip already has 3.2 million views in a span of two days- it could give us the sequel to the greatest movie of all time. The thing that scares me? It’s a commercial of a trailer for a trailer to a movie. Ya dig? This was just a youtube clip. Who knows what will happen on Super Bowl Sunday. You can argue that some form of a commercial will take place, but what will it consist of? Basically, there are a few options. 1. We will get an official trailer commercial for Ferris Bueller 2. B. Some crappy company like Honda or Nabisco will use Ferris Bueller in a commercial to promote something, and the ad campaign will work gloriously due to everyone thinking the commercial was for a movie. 3. It will be Matthew Broderick doing a commercial for something and just giving the world a giant case of blue balls.

To be honest, I never have faith in things. These days I’ve learned that if something is too good to be true, it isn’t. This is why I am skeptical about Ferris Bueller 2. I mean what could happen? Ferris takes a day off from work? Is he married to Sloane Peterson? Has Cameron suffered a nervous breakdown yet? Is Ferris still considered a righteous dude? What about his sister who was also in Flashdance? Will Charlie Sheen make another brief cameo in a police station? There are just so many questions and so many possibilities that it is hard to tell what would happen in a sequel. You can almost make an argument that Ferris Bueller shouldn’t have a sequel because the first one was just so perfect. Let’s face it, it would take a lot to get people to overlook the ‘twist and shout’ parade scene, or the prank phone call scene where Cameron pretends he is George Peterson (Rooney, pardon my French, but you’re an ASS-hole!). Some movies just shouldn’t have sequels. Think of Jaws 2. Remember Scream 2? Legally Blonde 2 was just awful. I mean some movies should just stop when the credits started rolling. It’s a tricky situation with a movie like this. Even making things harder is that John Hughes isn’t on this planet anymore, so a new director would have to take over. Skepticism is the key here.

This being said, it would really, really suck if this is just a marketing ploy for some company. Super Bowl commercials ain’t cheap, so for someone to trick everyone into thinking that a commercial for Ferris Bueller 2 is actually a car commercial would take a lot of balls. There would be a lot of bad publicity and/or backlash for a stunt like this, which makes you think that perhaps there actually is going to be a second movie.

As I sit here half-drunk typing this, I can’t help but notice the giant poster right above my laptop just staring at me in the face. Ferris Bueller reminding me that leisure rules, and the ‘one man’s struggle to take it easy’ line that is at my eye level right now sort of leaves me feeling unsure about this. Obviously I’d love to see a sequel of Ferris Bueller, but it has to be good. I, like most of you I’m sure, will be very pissed off if this teaser is a commercial for something pointless like a car. It’ll be interesting to see what happens on Super Bowl Sunday, but I’ll have my fingers crossed that it’s a sequel. Even if it sucks, we will always have the awesomeness of the first one to fall back on.