Friday, July 24, 2015

Trainwrecks and Trump

I saw Amy Schumer’s ‘Trainwreck’ this past weekend and I was pleasantly surprised.  I had little hope going into it and it ended up being one of the funniest movies I’ve seen, even with LeBron James in it.  You know what’s not funny?  The slew of basic betches who felt the urge to tweet “OMG Trainwreck is totally my life story!”.  No it’s not.  Out of the people I saw tweet that, I know that none of them could drink that way and have such questionable morals, and they would never encounter a situation that had the word ‘pineapple’ be a safe word.  Stop it, just stop it.  Stick to your brunches.
Speaking of trainwrecks, Donald Trump announced he is running for president.  Now, let me be clear, I hate politics and I never want to discuss that stuff here on my blog, but I do have an idea for the entertainment factor of the Trump party: make Vince McMahon his Vice President.  Oh my God, could you imagine the circus with that?  I think McMahon and Trump are 1 and 2 on making and then leaving the Forbes Billionaire list.  How fun could this be?  Would they stand any chance at winning?  Hell no, but just imagine the rallies!  Don’t call it crazy, they are good friends.  Trump is a wrestling fan and was even featured in a big storyline back at Wrestlemania 23 in 2007 where they each chose a wrestler to have a match and the loser would get his manager a shaved head.  Vinny Mac may be upset over getting his head shaved, but I’m sure a VP candidacy would make up for any hard feelings.  Could you imagine the promos that would take place?  The People would be eating out Vince and Donald’s hands, getting all riled up, even if they had no idea what was going on.  Trump McMahon 2016 needs to happen.  Of course, I only support this if Stone Cold Steve Austin is named Secretary of Defense and Undertaker is named Chief of Staff.
Quick note while we’re on wrestling, I found out recently that The Undertaker has a daughter.  All I can think of is how frightening it would be to ask a girl to prom, go over her house to meet her dad and it turns out to be The Undertaker.  What the hell would you do?  Is there a scary dad you could meet in that situation?  I’m thinking no, but I’m willing to hear any ideas in the comment section.
When I was knee high to a grasshopper, let’s say around ‘96, my Dad gave me a free sample of a product his company once sold.  Basically it was a cardboard briefcase, filled with probably 150 or 200 comic books.  It was a totally random mix of comic books with all sorts of superheros and stories, popular and not so popular, you name it.  From this batch I remember coming across a couple of Antman comics.  I remember being 6 and thinking to myself “Antman? That’s stupid.” And tossed it aside to read one of my Batman black and white editions for the 4859th time.  You could color me surprised when 19 years later poor Paul Rudd got suckered into playing Antman for the big screen.  I am shocked and appalled that this has turned into an actual movie.  Aquaman should’ve been made first, and I can’t believe I’m saying that.  Antman could be the best movie of the year, but I would never go see it just based on principle, and I actually like Paul Rudd.  I’m sorry but a superhero based on something you can easily burn with a magnifying glass and the goddamn sun just doesn’t work for me.
Sharknado 3 is came out this week, because I mean why the hell not?  I haven’t seen any of the existing Sharknado movies, because I feel that watching paint dry would be more beneficial, but I do appreciate the balls of whoever is in charge to take this shitshow and make it into a joke that will never end.  Everyone knows this is rubbish and shouldn’t be taken seriously, and the fact that someone has found a way to make money off of this is impressive in my own opinion.  The cast for Sharknado 3 features Tara Reid (still), Frankie Muniz, David Hasselhoff, former Hugh Heffner captives Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson, WWE hall of famer Y2J Chris Jericho, Dallas Mavericks owner (and enemy of DeAndre Jordan) Mark Cuban, Jerry Springer (because, well, why not?),  Chris Kirkpatrick (guessing Justin Timberlake doesn’t need any backup dancers at this time), and Brad Keselowski because we need a NASCAR driver to help boost viewership and total audience IQ.  Honestly, I still think Trump running for President is a bigger mess.
It’ll be hard to name a better TV shitshow than Sharknado 3, but if anything stands a chance, it has to be the upcoming Boston 2024 Olympic Debate that is taking place this Thursday.  Can you imagine?  For those who don’t know, the US of A decided to make Boston their bid to try and host the 2024 Olympic games.  It’s not set in stone that they would win it but just the fact that this is a possibility is surreal.  I mean really, traffic on a typical Wednesday in Boston makes most people want to rip their hair out, just imagine what will happen with years of traffic that will come with building all sorts of shit that will be used for 2 weeks in the summer of 2024. Boston just got done with the Big Dig which lasted about 9 years too long (not an exaggeration, for once) that tied up all sorts of things so a tunnel could be built under a god damn harbor or river or whatever.  Basically, having beach volleyball at Wollaston Beach in Quincy doesn’t make up for all the money that would be spent into this and the traffic and everything else.  Now, back to this debate, which might be the best TV ever.  It will be a showdown between one of the co-chairs of the movement for the anti-Boston2024 movement and whoever the jackass is who stands to get rich from Boston 2024 and doesn’t care that it’ll tie up millions in traffic every day for years and years.  All I can picture in my mind is pro 2024 being dressed in a nice suit and very well spoken, going up against a soccer mom from southie who has no time for this shit, but will gladly speak her mind and have no filter.  “what do ya mean we’ll have volleyball at wolly beach? Are ya fuckin’ tapped? Where am I gonna pahk my cah?  Whaz this I see bout e-equest-equestriwhatever buildin’ that’ll be built in fuckin’ Franklin Pahk?  Ya outta ya damn mind!”  Oh the chaos.  The chaos.
I am excited for this Saturday.  My girlfriend got me some Dodgers vs. Mets tickets for my birthday and I just can’t wait to see some dominance for once.  I was raised a Red Sox fan, still am a fan, but I have always had a soft spot for the Dodgers because of my Grandpa Kenny.  Sox may be 1 and the Dodgers are 1B but at this point in life I’m all for the Dodgers since the Red Sox are putting up another embarrassing performance this year.  If you need any more reason to hop aboard the Dodgers bandwagon in addition to their  53-41 record, just take a look at these pictures of Cool Guy Zack Greinke:
Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift got into a Twitter spat recently over nominations for the VMA’s and the only question I have is “wait, people actually care about getting nominated for the VMA’s?”  I mean for real, why is Nicki so pissed.  MTV obviously doesn’t care about music nor does it seem to know anything about music.  MTV died when TRL ended, and let’s be honest, TRL kinda sucked.  Couldn’t even watch the entire Sum 41 music video when it was ranked 4th that week.  In my opinion, we should settle this in a fair manner, and lock up Nicki and Swifty in a room and throw the key into the fucking Sharknado infested waters because those two suck and the world would be better without their music.
I officially moved from Quincy to Providence last week, so that’s cool.  Good to be back in my home state in the most fun part of said state.  Not much else to say besides if I hear Dropkick Murphy’s ‘Shipping Up To Boston’ one more time I’ll throw my coffee table out a window, and that later this week I hope to write a letter similar to the one LeBron James wrote when he returned to Cleveland.  That could be fun I guess.  God I need to blog more often.
I have 0 faith in hollywood anymore.  Everything is sequels and remakes and it makes me want to listen to Taylor Swift.  Here I was, excited about the Man From U.N.C.L.E., when two things happened: 1. I realized it was rated PG-13. 2. About an hour later my Mom and Dad both told me how it was actually a remake that I had never heard of.  Despair.  Sadness.  Depression.  I like spy movies, especially set in the mid 1900’s (sounded fancy that way).  But yeah I dig movies set post WWII, I love reading books in that era and I figured this movie would be right up my alley.  Pumped I was, thinking I had something fresh and new until my parents told me the truth and it was made before.  Is Hollywood in such bad creative shape that they can’t think of new shit?  You knew things were bad when they recently remade RoboCop.   You knew things were getting even worse when they decided to make new installations to the Terminator and Rocky series.  Now, I just don’t know what to think.  We didn’t need Ted 2, we didn’t need Indiana Jones with grandpa Indy and Shia LeBeouf, and we sure as hell don’t need another Jurassic Park.  Sequel to Magic Mike is up for debate.  It’s a great plot.
Whatever happened to Emeril?  I don’t understand why he isn’t on Food Network 24/7.  That guy had all the charisma and talent in the world. Bam.
Just read an article claiming that an Earth sized planet was discovered 1,400 light years away that orbits a star and could potentially be habitable.  Kinda creepy thinking that there may be another world with humans or whatever.  I bet the commissioner of that planet’s football league wouldn’t have suspended Tom Brady 4 games for maybe knowing that balls were being deflated.  This planet is appealing already.