Wednesday, February 3, 2010

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

I've hated Valentine's day for years. Something about it just makes me want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffic. I think the hatred started back in the 4th grade, when for some reason unbeknownst to me, my whole class decided to not bring in those flimsy Valentine cards to give to every student, regardless of how much you hated half the class you were giving Valentines to. Of course, I didn't receive the memo that you stop bringing in Valentines to the whole class when you're a 4th grader at Myron J. Francis Elementary school. There I was, lil Jimmy Kirwan (pretty much my current self just a foot shorter and with a buzzcut) walking into Mrs. Thacker's class with a brown paper bag filled with Pokemon Valentine's day cards (yes there was one of Ash Ketchum saying "I Choose You to Be My Valentine!"), addressed to every person in my class. I'm talking everyone. Weird Lucy. The kid we called Monkey Boy. The 5 girls I convinced myself I was in love with at the same time. Snuffy, Al, Leo, Lil Mo with the Gimpy Leg, Cheeks, Bony Bab, Cliff. I could go on forever baby! Everyone. Unfortunately, it was like I got stood up on a date, but instead it was being stood up by 20someodd classmates of mine, and the feeling sucked. I think Mrs. Thacker felt bad for me and asked the class why everyone else didn't bring Valentines. I can't remember the responses that were said, I was too busy grabbing tissues to dab my eyes with at this point. Ever since then, Valentine's Day just always sucked. I get more excited for Flag Day than V-Day. Is that pathetic? No.

Some people claim that St. Patrick's Day and Mother's Day and Father's Day are all "Hallmark Holidays" so they can sell a bunch of cards, cause holidays are always recession proof and the more the merrier. Valentine's Day is the ultimate Hallmark Holiday. At least we celebrate something on the holidays previously mentioned, but what do we really celebrate for Valentine's Day? Love? Okay that'll be nice when I'm married and all but who cares when you're my age? I had a girlfriend for two Valentine's Day back in high school and it sucked both times. The first one we had just started dating and we went to Chili's with two other couples, I may be mistaken but I believe it was with Matt Rizzini and his lovely/beautiful girlfriend Emily McManus, and Kyle Towne with someone. My girlfriend at the time complained about getting sick at Chili's on Valentine's Day for the next year or so, as if it was my fault that she ordered whatever she got and it made her sick, which it probably didn't. Let's just say that our first Valentine's Day was a headache, and I believed I let out a sigh of relief when I made it back home safely. Our second Valentine's Day (and last) was during senior year. By this time we had been going out for over a year, so of course this woman demanded that I buy her something expensive. Holidays sucked because this girl would beg me for months in advance to get her a necklace or some stupid bracelet. I swore I'd never tell anyone this, but since I haven't spoken to her in more than a year, I guess it's safe to share this story with the world. She wanted a bracelet with a bunch of small hearts on it from Hell...I mean Tiffany & Co. This may be off, but I want to say it was about $110. I was a high school senior with no job, where the hell was I going to get 110 one dollar bills to buy something that wasn't for myself? My options were to 1. visit my Grandpa Kenny a lot of times over the next month or B) cheat the system. I went with B.

I had to do some serious research and take some serious risks to pull this off. I went to Macy's, still a respectable department store, and got the exact same bracelet for 30 bucks. I'm talking the exact same. Same little hearts. Same tinted silver. Same everything. There was no possible way she could have told the difference. I think I was equally as happy when I found this bracelet as I was two days ago when Frank "The Tank" Gassert made a truce with me during Call of Duty 2 Modern Warfare and helped me get back-to-back tactical Nukes. The only problem was the box. She might get suspicious if she got a Tiffany bracelet from a Macy's box, but this was simple. My Mom had a few items of jewerly from Tiffany, so I simply asked her if I could have a box that a bracelet came in. She agreed, I think she may have known what I was doing, but it didn't seem that she minded. My plan was a go. I beat the system for a Valentine's gift. Threw that bracelet into a Tiffany box, got some card that didn't mean anything to me and got some chocolates and called it a day. She was pleased and wore the bracelet a lot, and I got away with it (until now I guess, but I don't care what she thinks of me anyways).

This story still doesn't help with how depressing Valentine's Day is. I'm still not the biggest fan, but it sure can be lonely if you do not have a significant other, or if it doesn't fall on a Friday/Saturday and you can pray that you find a beautiful girl to dance with at a party like I did last year. One other thing that I don't find fair is that it's always the guy taking the girl out on Valentine's Day. Screw that. I'll tell you what, any girl who wants to take me out for a Valentine's Day date will have her wish. First come first serve. I'd be a jerk to have you pay for me, so I'll go halfsies on the check at dinner and I'll get you roses or chocolates if you do the same for me. Why should you be depressed and do nothing on Valentine's Day? If you're one of these girls, take a chance and take me out on a date. Let the competition begin.

After winning the poll by a whopping 2 votes. I'm bringing back the depressing lyric of the day.
Enjoy Pearl Jam's cover of "Last Kiss"

We were out on a date in my daddy's car/We hadn't driven very far/There in the road, up straight ahead/A car was stalled, the engine was dead/I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right/I'll never forget the sound that night/The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass/The painful scream that I heard last.
Oh, where oh where can my baby be?/The Lord took her away from me/She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good/So I can see my baby when I leave this world.


  1. maybe you would like Valentine's Day if you weren't so god damn ugly. go kill yourself

  2. I think the first Anonymous guy is a total whiny man bitch who needs to watch his whiny man bitch tongue when he speaks to Jimothy.

  3. I still think he should just kill himself