Thursday, July 1, 2010

Who Where How Long When Why?

It seems that the world has been waiting for LeBron James to make up his mind for months. This summer is the biggest summer for free agents for basketball and even hockey. People who don't even normally care about sports, from the girls in Mrs. Smiths 2nd grade English class to my Mother knows that this summer is a big deal in the world of sports. Everyone who is breathing pretty much knows that players such as LeBron, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and now Paul Pierce are looking to go on the move, but no one knows exactly where. I've decided to answer these questions, along with other people who are free agents who you might not have realized.

LeBron James- All we ever hear is about how much of a freak of nature LeBron is. We hear things like he would be playing in the NFL if he weren't in the NBA and that he's solid at every single sport. I'm going to call out King James and tell him to try hockey. It just so happens that the Columbus Blue Jackets need more scoring, and considering that LeBron plays both defense and can put up a lot of points is something the Blue Jackets need. Also, LeBron can stay close to Cleveland, and the great state of Ohio won't have to worry about losing him.

Ilya Kovalchuk- He might not be a big name to most of you because 1. He plays hockey and B. He's Russian and not a James Bond villain, but he is a big deal in the free agent market of the NHL. Basically the man just scores goals and then lets the rest of his team play defense. He'll want as much money as possible and when no one gives him a contract to become the richest Russian ever, he'll go back to the Motherland and sign with the Moscow Dynamo for 12 Rubels.

Mick Jagger- Yes, the frontman for the Rolling Stones. I mean sure he's British but this dude has been wanting to be American for years. Actually, he's done so many drugs that it wouldn't surprise me if he now thinks that he was born in Detroit or something. There is no doubt that he will sign with the United States of America in the near future. After seeing him in the luxury box with "Wild" Bill Clinton for the USA/Ghana world cup game, it pretty much sealed the deal. If anyone can convince you to become American, it's gotta be Bill Clinton. Welcome to America Mick, now hang up your Union Jack flag and buy the ol' stars and stripes flag and get ready for a wild July 4th on Sunday.

Steve Carell- This past week, Steve Carell basically said that the upcoming season of The Office will be his last one as Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch Manager Michael Scott. I have a strong feeling that he'll sign with 30 Rock to play Tina Fey's long lost brother. Also, don't be shocked if he signs on for the next Pirates of the Carribean movie. Anything he does after The Office will be okay for him, because we all know that he can't do any worse than Evan Almighty.

Chris Bosh- He'll just follow LeBron wherever he goes. This of course means that he will be signing with the Columbus Blue Jackets a day after LeBron does. The city of Toronto will be furious with the fact that not only did the Raptors lose their only notable basketball player, but he signs with one of the worst hockey franchises ever and not with the beloved Maple Leafs. Interesting note: by signing James and Bosh, the Columbus Blue Jackets will be the first team to have more than one African Amercian player on one hockey team.

The Taco Bell Dog- In a shocking turn of events, the Taco Bell Dog that we all came to adore in the 90's will sign a 10 year contract with Burger King. The Taco Bell Dog has been looking for a job for a few years now after holding out for a richer contract, but times are desperate and he will sign with Burger King and try to lose his Mexican accent. Mucho Caliente, Amigos!

Amanda Bynes- After shocking the world by retiring from acting at the ripe old age of 24, Amanda Bynes will realize in about 15 months that she can't do anything else and come back in What A Girl Wants 2. Since she's been acting since she was in the womb, she has no other skills and she's too old to go back to high school. This retirement will make all of Michael Jordan and Roger Clemens' retirements look a lot longer than what they were.

Justin Bieber- Once puberty hits, this kid is screwed. Justin Bieber will soon sign a huge contract with the female sex. That's right, he'll officially become a girl. He really won't have much else going for him after puberty, and soon enough, girls will lose interest in him. Factor in the fact that all males on earth hate the little twirp will make him want to turn into a woman, which are the only people on earth who appreciate him currently. He'll also have some contract offers from secret societies for child actors who just got weird once they became grownups, such as Macaulay Caulkin, Jesse McCartney, Gary Colem....whoops, and the kid from Stewart Little.

Dwayne Wade- He's staying in Miami.

Ryan Gomes- Yes, the greatest basketball player from Providence College was waived by the Trail Blazers in some bullshit deal so they can make room to sign James, Bosh or Wade which we already know won't happen. Ryan Gomes will decide to go to the one team that loved him the most: Providence College. That's right, Ryan Gomes is going to sign a 5 year contract with Providence College to save the basketball team he once had to save already back in 2001.

Simon Cowell- Sure, he left American Idol and it was a big deal, but it will be a bigger deal when he joins Joe Rogan and Jeff Probst to host and judge American Fear Factor Survivor. AFFS is going to be the first singing show where 12 contestants have to eat disgusting things and do gross things while writing their own songs on a deserted island.

The State of Delaware- C'mon. Delaware is just about everyone's least favorite state and is by far the most forgotten. At least Rhode Island can say we're the smallest state in the nation. Delaware has to settle for 2nd smallest, and no one likes that. It's like how Wrigley Field is America's 2nd oldest ballpark behind Fenway Park. Delaware has to consider the fact that no one cares about them, and they are going to sign a 3 year contract to just become a part of Maryland. Yes, it'll be a shame that the 1st state will be merging with another state that it borders with, but at least people won't have to remember Delaware when playing the 'Name all 50 States" Game on Sporcle.

Snooki- Enjoy it now, Princess of Poughkeepsie, the 2nd season of Jersey Shore comes out later this month, and after that you're right back to being a nobody. Let's face it, DJ Pauly D is the only one with a bright future after the show ends because he's a DJ and at least he can perform at clubs and make music. What is Snooki going to do? She'll only be able to do so many paid apperances at clubs before she turns into a complete nobody, so she'll turn to a place she'll truly fit in: a carnival. Look for Snooki to join a carnival to be the woman in the Dunk Tank. The contract will be a 3 year deal worth about 5 spray tans a week and a couple of new Ed Hardy dresses per year.

Paul Pierce- My favorite Celtic of all time (only because Larry Bird retired when I was like two) just said he's going to become a free agent, most likely to get a new contract. He's gonna stay in Boston. Everyone else in the league considers him a cry baby and fakes injuries and are just simply annoyed by him. Therefore he'll just get a bigger contract from the Celtics and everyone will be happy.

Terrell Owens- It's not that surprising that no team wants him considering the fact that he's a jackass, so he'll sign with any team that wants him. He'll sign a 1 year contract with the Washington Redskins sometime in July. He'll also be on Dancing With the Stars two seasons from now.

Kel Mitchell- Not to be confused with the lovely Kelly Mitchell, I'm talking about Kel from Keenan and Kel. Apparently he became a rapper and was in a Sprite commercial recently, but he needs to make a comeback. His boy Keenan is on Saturday Night Live (barely), but Kel hasn't done all that much since All That and the Keenan and Kel Show. I mean it only makes sense that Kel signs a contract with either Orange Crush or Fanta to promote Orange Soda. It would be so easy, all he would have to do is say the only line that people remember him by anyways "Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda, I do I do I dooo-ooo-ooooo!" (thanks to Tom Airozo for suggesting Kel, here's your shoutout Tomboy)

Allen Iverson- Everyone misses A.I. The man was the face of Philadelphia for years. He made it always sunny in Philadelphia. It's a shame that The Answer had to retire under strange circumstances. He still has game and will sign a 1 year deal with the Phillies to be a pinch runner.

Captain Planet- The lamest superhero of all time will never get his own movie, but there is one thing he could do: clean up this oil spill caused by BP. In his first challenge since like the 80's, he will sign a contract with the United Nations to take on his most fearsome and realistic foe, BP and clean up the mess they made. Remember, the Power is Yours!...actually it's his if he's going to clean that spill up.

Needless to say the free agent market this year is pretty crazy. It'll be an interesting summer with plenty of twists and turns. I just hope the Captain Planet deal goes through.

1 comment:

  1. The taco bell dog died last year =( it was a tragic day