Saturday, March 22, 2014

Pop Culture Madness! Round 1

Back in high school, my buddy Anthony Leonardo created March Madness brackets involving random people and things.  We'd sit around in class or lunch or whatever and debate which competitor should move on to the next round and why.  The reasons could be for anything at all.  I remember one instance where The Milkman won a whole tournament based on the argument that he slept with (insert competitor here)'s wife.  It's a fun way to pass time, and I found myself making my own brackets just out of sheer boredom.  This year I have decided to do this in terms of Pop Culture, and asked 5 panelists to weigh in and pick winners for each matchup.  I will need more panelists to chime in on rounds 2-7, so anyone who wants in, just shoot me a text and I'll send you the bracket.  I'd like to thank "Ravishing" Ryan Urkiel, Jake "Lefty" Pirri, Jenna "The Polish Princess" Borkoski, Dancin' Dan Allen, and my sworn twitter enemy Victoria "Hot Lava" Parella.  Below, you will see each matchup, the votes and some responses from the panelists on why they picked their winner.  These matchups were picked randomly from a hat, and there is no real seeding.  Hope you all enjoy, and start placing your bets.

1. The Cop That Arrested Justin Bieber vs. Fez from That 70's Show-

  • Danny-"The fact that Obama hasn't taken this opportunity to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday and name it after Officer Steven Cosner tells you all you need to know about his administration."
  • Jenna-"Fez.  The last I heard the cop may have fabricated evidence of the Biebs actually drag racing."
  • Tori-"Fez.  He's been closer to Ashton <3 .="" li="">
  • Jake-"I hate both of these so much, but without that cop, we don't have the priceless Bieber interrogation tape, so I have to pick him.  Fuck Fez."
  • Winner: Fez 3-2

2. Skrillex's Haircut vs. OJ Simpson's Glove-

  • Danny-"OJ's stupid glove defense launched the Kardashian Empire."
  • Jake-"OJ's glove is the exact reason why we know OJ is innocent.  Biggest frame job ever, man is a saint."
  • Jenna-"Skrillex's hair.  At least it gets to travel the world, OJ's glove is probably in police storage somewhere."
  • Winner: OJ Simpson's Glove 3-2

3. Neville Longbottom vs. John Stamos-

  • Urk- "Stamos has some sweet flow, I'll give him that, but it doesn't come close to Neville Longbottom kicking the shit out of Nagini in Book 7."
  • Jenna-"Stamos.  The man keeps on getting better with age.  Plus I'm sure he's got yogurt sales on the rise too."
  • Tori-"Neville Longbottom because I love a good underdog success story."
  • Jake-"'There are all kinds of courage,' said Dumbledore, smiling.  'It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.  I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."
  • Winner: Neville Longbottom 3-2

4. The Other 4 Guys From *NSYNC vs. Bald Britney Spears-

  • Danny-"Britney. 'It's always darkest before the dawn.'"
  • Tori-"Bald Britney preferably holding the umbrella mid paparazzi attack if I had to choose but ideally I'd pick bald Britney as a 5th obsolete member of *NSYNC."
  • Jenna-"The 90's gUrL in me is torn, but I like *NSYNC as a total package more than Britney right before she went under conservation ship, even if JT is missing."
  • Winner: Bald Britney Spears 3-2

5. Edward Snowden vs. North West-

  • Urk- "I'm going with Snowden, South-East is a cooler direction anyway."
  • Jenna-"Snowden.  I mean, he had his own panel at SXSW.  What has North West done this year other than having a name of a defunct airline?"
  • Jake-"North West, in spite of her mother deserving to burn in hell for eternity.  I just couldn't give less of a shit about Snowden."
  • Winner: Edward Snowden 3-2

6. Daniel Bryan's YES!!!! Chant vs. Parallel Parking-

  • Urk-"I think Jim Kirwan placing Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant against Parallel Parking is part of some sick, evil, conniving plan to make sure it wins this tournament.  Touche Jim, you sick fuck. I'm sure Marge and Bins will love this."
  • EDITOR-"No comment."
  • Danny-"YES! YES! YES!"
  • Jake-"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! I'm taking Daniel Bryan strictly because breaking out the yes chant provides instant camaraderie and is obnoxious (in a good way).  However parallel parking is how we distinguish men from women, unless there's some other way I don't know about."
  • Tori-"Tough choice, but the YES Chant costs less for my insurance."
  • Jenna-"YES!!! YES YES YES!"
  • Winner: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 5-0

7. Skeeter Valentine vs. an Actual Arcade on Fire-

  • Jake-"Skeeter, only Nickelodeon could get away with being so racist as to making someone who is supposed to be black a shade of blue/purple.
  • Jenna-"Skeeter, such a quintessential wingman."
  • Urk-"What's cool about arcades being on fire?  Nothing.  What's cool about Skeeter Valentine?  He's green."
  • Tori-"Skeeter Valentine.  No explanation needed."
  • Winner: Skeeter Valentine 4-1

8. Hot Air Balloons vs. Paris Hilton's DJ Career-

  • Danny-"My hypothetical dream date."
  • Tori-"Paris Hilton Djing a hot air balloon ride.  But if I have to pick, Paris Hilton because I'm terrified of heights."
  • Jenna-"Out of all respect to all DJs, I have to pick Hot Air Balloons."
  • Jake-"Choosing to ignore the 'DJ career' and going with Hilton, because A) she remains one of my all time Hollywood 'wild cards' and B) we've all already seen what she can do with a penis.
  • Winner: Paris Hilton's Dj Career 3-2

9. Amanda Bynes' Twitter Meltdown vs. the new Filet-o-Fish song-

  • Urk-"I'm picking Amanda Bynes because she kept me intrigued enough to read about 20 minutes worth of her tweets."
  • Tori-"Amanda Bynes all the way.  'I want Drake to murder my vagina.' Enough said."
  • Danny-"It's Lent.  Let me know how hell is, heathens."
  • Jenna-"Bynes, for having the balls to start so many passive aggressive fights via twitter."
  • Winner: Amanda Bynes on Twitter 4-1

10. Jaden Smith's Acting vs. George Clooney in Space-

  • Urk-"Jaden smith, I have a bone to pick with you.  If you ever, ever think you can be better than the great Ralph Macchio then we are going to have major problems."
  • Jenna-"Clooney.  Tina Fey said it better than I could ever say it, "It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."  At least he's consistent."
  • Tori-"Jaden Smith because a lack of gravity in space wouldn't allow Clooney to whip his hair back and forth."
  • Winner: Clooney in Space 3-2
11. The Chick from the Wendy's Commercials vs. Kel Mitchell-

  • Danny-"Real Wendy was too ugly for TV :-/"
  • Urk-"Kel created the secret sauce for the Good Burger and helped uncover the mystery of the Mondo Burger.  What have you done stupid girl from the Wendy's commercials?  You'll never live up to this great man:
  • Jake-"Another brutal one, both deserve the second round, but I'm taking Kel becasue as sneaky hot the redhead is, she's super fucking annoying."
  • Tori-"Kelly Mitchell hands down because she's adorable and a fellow BVB."
  • Jenna-"Whooo loves orange soda??  Kel loves orange soda."
  • Winner: Kel Mitchell 5-0

12. Juan Pablo vs. Gingers-

  • Urk-"I really hope God provides endless amounts of hair dye and booze for eternity in heaven.  however, I just need Juan Pablo to stick around until the next round so I can dissect him a little more.  More to follow next round.  It will be a dandy."
  • Tori-"Gingers because even they're less douchy than Juan Pablo these days.  Also, Prince Harry <3 .="" li="">
  • Danny-"This is assuming Jameson is being mixed with the ginger."
  • Jenna-"Based on the high ratio of gingers in my life, I've got to pick the gingers."
  • Winner: Gingers, in an upset, 4-1

13. Tim Tebow's Virginity vs. Blue Ivy Carter-

  • Danny-"Left-handed and no luck with women? It's like looking in the mirror."
  • Tori-"Blue Ivy Carter.  Her parents are legends, she's probably like leading the Illuminati and can't even talk yet and Tim Tebow's virginity is a fraud (I suspect T Swift)."
  • Jake-"Taking Blue Ivy because of Jay-Z and in spite of Beyonce being the most overrated person ever."
  • Jenna-"Blue Ivy.  Something tells me she'll lose her virginity waaaayyy before Tebow ever will."
  • Winner: Blue Ivy Carter 4-1

14. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Guy Fieri-
American Hero.
  • Danny-"This is a 1-16 matchup and the 16 seed has frosted tips."
  • Urk-"The Stone Cold Stunner."
  • Jake-"Guy here, the man is priceless between being a 100% douche and sexually harassing women off camera during every episode of Diners, Drive Ins and Dives."
  • Jenna-"On name recognition alone, I'm taking Guy."
  • Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin 3-2 (this one was way closer than it should've been.)

15. Ryan Goseling vs. Gangnam Style-

  • Jake-"GOSELING. No one has ever been a bigger baller than that man in Crazy, Stupid, Love."
  • Danny-"Psy hates America.  Ipso facto, he sucks."
  • Tori-"Is this even a question?  RYAN GOSELING."
  • Jenna-"Ryan Goseling."
  • Winner: Ryan Goseling 5-0

16. Tandem Bicycles vs. Hipsters-
Good, clean fun.
  • Jenna-"Which came first, the tandem bicycle or the hipster?  Tandem bikes."
  • Danny-"I didn't move to the LES for tandem bikes."
  • Tori-"Tandem bicycles hands down.  They're energy efficient, great for building cooperation skills while saving the environment, and also way less annoying and probably smell better."
  • Jake-"Tandem bikes by default.  Hipsters blow."
  • Winner: Tandem Bicycles 4-1

17. Vladimir Putin vs. North Korean Dennis Rodman-

  • Urk-"Now some of you may think Rodman is a complete moron, and you're absolutely right.  However, him going to North Korea allowed all Americans to see the crazy/amazing basketball rules of the North Korean basketball league: slam dunks are worth 3 points, field goals in the final three minutes of the game are worth 8 points, 3 pointers are wroth 4 if the ball doesn't touch the rim, and a point is deducted for missed free throws."
  • Tori-"Vladimir Putin.  He's Russian so he's very in these days post Olympics.  Also his face is similar to an ostrich.  Dennis Rodman is irrelevant enough in a country of free press."
  • Jake-"Rodman.  I'll take the Worm over that commie bastard any day."
  • Jenna-"Lose-lose either way, but I think Dennis Rodman is the way to go.  He's been far more pacifist than Putin."
  • Winner: Dennis Rodman 3-2

18. Judge Judy vs. The South Bend Shovel Slayer (Old Man from Home Alone)-

  • Jenna-"Somewhat os a career inspiration: Judge Judy."
  • Jake-"South Bend Shovel Slayer.  He's a hero."
  • Tori-"Judge Judy, she calls it like it is.  She's like the whiter, older, frumpier Beyonce of the law world.  Also I don't remember Home Alone."
  • Winner: Judge Judy, in an upset, 3-2

19. Will Ferrel vs. Sippin' on Gin n Juice-

  • Jake-"Ferrell.  Simply too many great Will Ferrell characters to overcome for a classic jam."
  • Jenna-"I love my gin so I'm taking the upset here.  Sippin' on Gin n Juice."

  • Tori-"Sippin on gin n juice.  Snoop is my homie."
  • Winner: Will Ferrell 3-2

20. Space Jam vs. Racist Paula Deen-

  • Danny-"Space Jam brought PEDs into pop culture.  Paula just wanted blacks to serve whites in 'Southern-style' events."
  • Jake-"Space Jam is unstoppable.  Recently watched it and still provides the same entertainment level as when I was a kid.  Case closed."
  • Tori-"Racist Paula Deen.  She just wants everyone to be fat and happy.  I maintain that she throws out 'N****' as a term of endearment..."

  • Winner: Space Jam 3-2

21. Lord Voldemort vs. Carly Rae Jepsen-

  • Urk-"Got to give credit to a guy who is willing to split his soul into 7 pieces in order to live forever.  Too bad an eleven year old kid fucked it all up for him.  Oh well, I still have more respect for him than Carly Rae."
  • Jenna-"Ms. Jepsen is known for what was probably the second most popular anthem of our senior year of college."
  • Danny-"Bit of an anti-Canada theme in this bracket, if you ask me."
  • Tori-"He Who Must Not Be Named.  Carly Rae Jepsen sucks almost as hard as Jim Kirwan does.  Fuck Carly Rae Jepsen.  And James Kirwan."  
  • Jake-"Originally picked LV here, but Call Me Maybe wins the nostalgia of senior year.  Plus Steve Sheridan's dance to this is one of my favorites."
  • Winner: Voldemort 3-2 :-( 

22. Charmander vs. Leo DiCaprio's Oscar-

  • Urk-"I was always a Jigglypuff fan.  I think a certain person hopefully reading this blow will find this extremely funny."
  • Tori-" Anything with the word Leo in it automatically wins.  Next year is the year."
  • Danny-"It's crazy how DiCaprio hasn't won an Oscar and doesn't advance to the second round.  Life isn't fair."  EDITOR'S NOTE: Sorry, Dan.
  • Jenna-"Leo.  Still haven't gotten over his Oscar loss.  #hewasrobbed."
  • Winner: Leo DiCaprio's Non-existant Oscar 3-2

23. Jason Bourne vs. Canada-
Is this a tandem bicycle?
  • Danny-"I look like Jason Bourne.  Think about it."
  • Jenna-"JB.  We've got the same initials, plus people are still pretty pissed over Canada's Olympic performances."
  • Tori-"I dont know who Jason Bourne is, sooooooo Canada."
  • Jake-"Bourne.  Anytime you can beat Canada, you have an obligation to as an American."
  • Winner: Jason Bourne 3-2, also way closer than it should've been. 

24. Flo from Progressive vs. Sharknado-

  • Urk-"Flo's a bitch."
  • Tori-"Flo from Progressive, she's one sassy bitch."
  • Jenna-"While Sharknado may be a fad from 2013, Flo's been around for years.  She's got the pop culture corner covered."
  • Jake-"I hope a fucking Sharknado kills Flo, she is the worst thing on TV, and cringeworthy every time."
  • Winner: Sharknado 3-2

25. Nickelback's Greatest Hits CD vs. Buffalo Chicken-

  • Jake-"Buffalo Chicken, even though I could belt out Photograph (shamefully)."
  • Jenna-"Buff chick."
  • Tori-"Is this a joke?  Buffalo chicken.  Fuck you Nickelback."
  • Winner: Buffalo Chicken, in a landslide, 5-0

26. Kate Upton's Lovely Pair of Eyes vs. Elton John-

  • Danny-"I've never actually seen what Kate Upton's eyes look like."
  • Jake-"Upton is the most overrated girl of all time, and Elton is a music God.  Elton times a million."
  • Tori-"Elton John.  He's like a candle in the wind.  And Kate Upton is overrated. 
  • Winner: Elton John 5-0

27. The Royal Baby vs. Monica Lewinsky-

  • Urk-"Without Monica Lewinsky we probably wouldn't have the @PimpBillClinton twitter handle and that would be a far great travesty than the Royal Family never having an heir."
  • Jenna-"Prince George Alexander Louis.  Monica totally wanted her own version of the royal baby, but all she got was a stained dress and a high dry cleaning bill."
  • Tori-"The Royal Baby.  That dude only had to breathe and like exist to cause world side commotion and be awesome."
  • Winner: The Royal Baby, in a slight upset, 3-2

28. Beyonce's Surfbort vs. My Little Pony-

  • Danny-"This should have been a play-in game."
  • Jake-"Surfbort, if only because it's fun to scream obnoxiously while drunk or hungover."
  • Jenna-"Even when Beyonce does wrong, she can still do no wrong."
  • Winner: Beyonce's Surfbort 5-0

29. A Warm Can of Keystone vs. President Calvin Coolidge-

  • Urk-"Calvin Coolidge is a great American.  Real men drink Natty lights."
  • Jake-"Keystone.  I can't get drunk off Coolidge."
  • Tori-"Gonna go with good ol' silent Cal.  He lays kinda low as far as presidents go, and I think it's his time to shine.  Also warm Keystone brings back bad freshman year frat party memories."
  • Jenna-"I'm sorry but this one is a no brainer.  I'm keeping cool with my favorite president (who shares a birthday with my dear pal Jimothy) on this one."
  • Danny-"Keystone is more American than a former President.  Also, warm beer allows its true flavor to really open up.  That's why everyone drinks Coors Lights as cold as possible."
  • Winner: President Calvin Coolidge, a true underdog, 3-2

30. The Song from Titanic vs. Lamar Odom's Crackpipe-

  • Danny-"1999 Atlantic Ten Champion Lamar Odom's Crackpipe*****."
  • Tori-"The Titanic Song.  Classic.  (Moment of silence for Khlamar)."
  • Urk-"You married the ugly Kardashian.  You had to know this was coming to you bro."
  • Jake-"Odom's crackpipe, because ironically he's the first person to benefit from smoking crack, as it released him from the Yeti.  Wait, Khloe Kardashian isn't a Yeti?"
  • Jenna-"Titanic.  If LamLam keeps using his crack pipe, his heart will not be going on much longer.  Also, if you have all the money in the world, why choose crack over cocaine?"
  • Winner: The song from Titanic 3-2.  This surprised me. 

31. Bill Murray vs. Taco Bell's Breakfast Menu-

  • Urk-"Only one man can fight off ghosts and play basketball with Michael Jordan in one lifetime."
  • Tori-"Gonna go with Bill Murray because I'm like the one person in this world who hates Taco Bell."
  • Danny-"Taco Bell for breakfast is a slippery, slippery slope."
  • Jake-"Murray.  The man's latest contribution to the world is letting us know to drink champagne over ice, as the ice melts it will slowly hydrate you to avoid the dreaded champagne hangover.  We'd be fucked without Bill."
  • Winner: Bill Murray 5-0, as it should be. 

32. Bryan Cranston vs. Super Bad-

  • Danny-"I wasn't impressed by Breaking Bad but I laughed the whole way through Super Bad.  Does that make me a child?  Maybe.  Luckily for me, the funny thing about opinions is that I'm never wrong."
  • Tori-"Super Bad.  I love me some McLovin.  Also I don't know who Bryan Cranston is..."
  • Jake-"Super Bad.  I quoted it this morning and will continue to quote it for life.  I don't give a shit about Walter White."
  • Jenna-"Mr. Walter White and Hal all day baby."
  • Winner: Super Bad 4-1


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. My comment was too raunchy.. the world wasn't ready