- If you follow me on twitter (@JimKirwan26 (shameless plug)) then you may be aware and perhaps a bit surprised that I sometimes tweet about The Bachelor. Here's the thing, most Monday nights I usually watch my longtime guilty pleasure of WWE Monday Night Raw. This has been going on for years, although it did take some hiatuses when I discovered the goodness of Jack Bauer on 24 and when I went to college. I no longer give a hoot about keeping it secret. I watch it and it is entertaining. A few weeks ago, one of my best friends in the whole entire world, Miss Angela Ju, informed me that she would be changing her weekly visits to my apartment, which I share with her boyfriend/idiot Matt. My goal was to change Ang into a hardcore wrestling fan, but I was perplexed when she told me that The Bachelor was on Monday nights at 8, which is when Raw starts. Being the true gentleman than I am, I told her it would be no problem at all to switch back and forth between the two shows, which she agreed to because she is an amazing woman. Little did I know how awesome the Bachelor is. Finally, Modern Family has a show that can give them competition for best comedy at the Emmy's or Golden Globes or whatever gives out awards for TV shows. The Bachelor is amazing. Full of contradictions, has some psychotic women all fighting for one man, who happens to be an idiot who somehow was born in New York but English is still his second language because he lives in Venezuela or something but he calls soccer soccer and not football which I mean isn't that what he should call it if English is his second language even if he was born here in The United Sta...shit. What am I talking about. Anyways, Juan Pablo is one of the most interesting characters on TV. Sometimes while flipping between Bachelor and Raw, it appears that Juan Pablo could be a great villain on both shows. I'm probably going to get more into The Bachelor later on in this.
- So I guess NSA is up to some no good or something with hacking phone calls or something. I guess this is bad news for people who are sharing secret family recipes or trying to keep an affair going. For me, it's not that bad. I hate talking on the phone. If the NSA wants to hack my phones than they can go for it, considering my last few phone calls have been with my Mom regarding how to properly cook a fish on a stovetop and trying to tell my Uber cab drivers where I am when they can't find me.
- The plot for How I Met Your Mother would be a hell of a lot shorter had they just been like a normal couple and match up on Tinder.
- Many people seem to be amazed by how Jennifer Aniston seems to get hotter as she gets older. I would like to point out that Julie Bowen (Claire Dunphy on Modern Family) is right up there with her. Seriously, think about it. She played the girl from Happy Gilmore, and that came out in '96. Look at her now:
- Back to the Bachelor, ever since she snuck off and visited Juan Pablo in his secret room, Claire has become my favorite to win this whole thing. She is out of her tree crazy and is the type who is needs to get married now. Since Juan Pablo is kind of a moron, he will fall into a trap, and she is going to become a worse Step Mother than what Cinderella had to deal with before the pumpkins and glass slippers and all that jazz. Also, she looks like Jan from The Office.
- Speaking of the Office, looking back on it now, it definitely was a wise call on Steve Carell's part to ditch the show that made him famous before it ended so that he could make inspirational films like The Incredible Burt Wonderstone and The Way Way Back.
- I have a new person at the top of my list of who I want to punch in the face: The guy in the KFC commercials for pot pies. How many times does he have to mention 'pot pies' and why does he say it so....I don't know....clearly? I don't even know what it is that irks me but hearing him talk about pot pies for 30 seconds just makes me so angry. I could be having an awesome day and be happy as a clam and then I see that doofus say "POT PIES? I didn't know KFC had POT PIES" and I just want to rip up a pillow or smash some lightbulbs against a wall. I'm normally not an angry person but this guy just gets to me. I can't be the only one feeling this way, right?
- Back to the Bachelor: no way Nikki is actually 26. She's pretty and all, sure, but she looks way younger than 26. If I saw Nikki at a bar or something then I would be asking myself how in the hell is her fake id THAT good. You could've told me she is 18 and I still wouldn't talk to her at a bar for fear of hitting on a minor. Also, I probably wouldn't talk to her at a bar because I hate a lot of people. And I have no confidence in myself. Sad :-/
- Rumor has it that Justin Beiber has gotten himself to a wee bit of trouble recently. What an assclown. Sometimes I really do hate the world. First he gets in hot water because a prostitute takes a video of him sleeping. A PROSTITUTE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU HAVE MILLIONS OF GIRLS WHO ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY GO CRAZY AT THE SOUND OF YOUR NAME, AND YOU WANT TO GO AND PAY FOR SEX?! REALLY? AREN'T PROSTITUTES FOR, LIKE, DESPERATE MEN, SEXUAL DEVIANTS AND HUGH GRANT? Man. Next, you get in trouble for throwing eggs at your neighbors house. I can somewhat understand him wanting to maybe be a 'kid' and do 'kid' things, but for the love of everything sacred, you caused 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS WORTH OF DAMAGE TO THE HOUSE?! Were you throwing long lost dinosaur eggs you found on the black market? How the hell can you cause $20,000 worth of damage from eggs? In a way thats impressive, but for someone who grew up a pretty normal childhood and did stupid shit like this back in my day, I don't think my friends and I could cause $20,000 worth of damage from egging a house if we tried. Lastly, you have your friends block of a main road in Miami so you can drag race some shitty rapper, while drunk and on pills. Unfortunately, as my dear friend and occasional contributor to this blog Danny Allen said, Bieber will probably get in more trouble for the egging than the DUI, because we're in America. Ugh.
- I don't know why it took me so long to realize the irony that McDonald's is one of the largest sponsors of Team USA in the Olympic's. Someone should make a parody commercial with Gracie Gold saying "McDonald's: Proud sponsor of Team USA athletes, although none of us can eat this stuff unless our flights get delayed and it's the only place open at the airport at 3 a.m. in Sacramento"
- Another annoying Olympic sponsor is Subway. It has become a haven for retired Olympic Athletes. Michael Phelps, Apolo Ohno, Nastia Liukin, it's no wonder why Lindsay Vonn got injured and couldn't compete at the Olympics this year. She had already inked her deal with Subway and could no longer compete. I think Subway commercials are the new Sports Illustrated cover curse. Bring back Jared. That guys is a real hero.
- Robin Thicke and whoever the hell Paula Patton is recently separated. No word on if whether it was over his controversial performance with Miley Cyrus. I guess their marriage just wasn't twerking out. Dammit.
- Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty fame got in some trouble for making some strong comments regarding gay people, which is really shocking coming from an old redneck from down South who is overly religious and only wears camouflage 7 days a week. Was that really a good topic to ask him during an interview? Talk about baiting someone to get some choice words for a story.
- The Super Bowl took place, and the Seattle Seahawks won by about a thousand points. At halftime, Peyton Manning probably thought to himself "Shoot, if I wasn't in the Super Bowl I could've made so many awesome commercials with Papa John for the Super Bowl."
- The Super Bowl also showed that neither Manning brother could win a game at Giants Stadium this past year. God, I hate Eli Manning.
- How is Hugh Hefner still alive?
- I've recently rediscovered Sherlock Holmes books and it hit me the other day that all of Sherlock's problems regarding his drug use and grumpy demeanor might be justified. I mean, if my parents named me Sherlock and my brother Mycroft, I would probably resort to opium and being rather unpleasant to most people who are dumber than I am.
- 'True Detectives' has been starting to sweep the nation craving for the next hit after Breaking Bad went off the air. Just the other night my roommate Matt said "wow, this is all from a true story". I was in disbelief and told him that there was no way it could be based on a true story. Then I realized it was called 'True Detectives' and I just kinda went silent while Matt smirked at me.
- What exactly is Juan Pablo's job? He took whatshername to the Miami Marlins ballpark, claiming it to be his 'office'. All I know is that he once played soccer, so I'm pretty confused by this. Is he a groundskeeper? Does he sell beers? Bobblehead guy? Is he a bullpen cop? Does he sweep off home plate during games? Does he play all the music from 'Jock Jams' over the PA system? This man puzzles me. He definitely should be on WWE as a top villain.
- 99.9999% of the time, remakes in Hollywood never work out. With the rare exception of MAYBE 'Ocean's 11', it is normally not a good idea. This being said, who in blue hell decided to remake 'Robocop'? That movie sucked when it first came out! It is not a good movie! If you gave me the choice of The Notebook or Robocop, I would have to take a moment to consider! How does a remake of a shitty movie actually pass through studios, without anyone saying 'you know, maybe this isn't a good idea and we shouldn't invest millions of dollars in this'? Is Hollywood really that low on fresh new ideas and concepts that the powers that be have to repackage Robocop? Other countries across the world hate us because McDonald's sponsors our Olympic teams and we remake goddamn Robocop. Embarrassing.
- Just give the Oscar for best actor to Leo DiCaprio already. I don't care if he deserves it or not this year, just let it happen. He's too good of an actor to not have an Oscar yet. He got robbed by not winning one with Titanic or the Departed or just about any other movie he has been in besides that awful Romeo + Juliette remake (See! If Leo can't help a Shakespeare story be remade into a film, why the hell would you give Robocop another shot!?). Don't let Leo be on those lists of "famous actors who never won an Oscar", this man deserves one.
- I saw Neutral Milk Hotel play back to back nights at a theatre in Boston about a month ago. That is officially the most hipster thing I have ever written on this blog.
- I really don't like Kings of Leon. I don't know why. They are like the KFC Pot Pie Guy of bands. I don't get why I don't like them, but I do. Every time I hear them on the radio at work I find myself sighing to myself and wanting to take a cigarette break even though I don't smoke. They just seem a bit boring to me. If I won a contest that got me an opportunity to meet the band, I think I would just not go. What would we talk about? I feel like if you brought those guys to a party they would be the ones just hanging out on a couch doing a whole lot of nothing. Not my kind of party people, thank you very much.
- I normally hate it when jokes get overused on various forms of social media, but I will say that whoever came up with the 'Loser Keeps Bieber' meme in preparation for the USA/Canada hockey game is a genius. That was well done, sir or ma'am. Of course, now that the USA has to keep Bieber, let's milk those egg throwing charges for all their worth and lock that bastard up! AMERICA!
- I think it is time for Austin Powers to make a comeback. Those movies are pure comedic gems, and if you can't admit that, then that would make you a liar, or someone who just hates fun. Mike Myers hasn't made a good movie in a long time, so he should just buckle down, make a script, DON'T RUSH IT, and provide us with a new parody of 007. Hell, let Myers play every single character in the damn thing if he wants to, just make it happen.
- The fine state of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations is all in a tizzy over the brilliant merger of Narragansett Beer and Del's for a summer shandy. The only way this could get any more Rhode Island-y is if they name the beer "The Bubbler".
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Pop Culture Smorgasbord IV
A lot has happened in the few months in between one of my favorite re-occuring blogposts: the Pop Culture Smorgasbord, so let's just dive on in to it, shall we?