Thursday, June 26, 2014

LIVE BLOG: 2014 NBA Draft

The NBA Draft is upon us.  Normally, I don't really care (see previous blogpost), but this year is completely different.  First of all, as a Celtics fan, I have a lot riding on this for the future of the team.  More importantly, dear friend and now official Breakfast at Jimothy's NBA Insider 'Dapper' Dan Allen is in attendance at the actual draft in New York City.  I need to take full on advantage of this, so every few minutes or so I will get word from Dapper Dan on what's going on at the event.  Check back every few minutes or so to get the inside scoop.  Now let's get to the action!

The Way There (5:58 pm)
Dapper Dan- First insight: met my cousin in NYC. Got a cab.  Cab was pulled over.  Meter kept running.
JK- No way.  Great start.  Let me knows the situation when it comes time to pay
DD- Already paid.  $1 tip.

Countdown to the Draft
JK-Are you surrounded by any interesting characters?
DD-Every jersey ever.  Like bonnaroo.
JK-Can I get some highlights?
DD-Carter-Williams everywhere.  Montage of the last rookie class.  Tim Hardaway Jr. got a rousing applause.
DD- Isaiah Thomas got HUGE bios.
DD-I'm drinking.
JK- Fantastic.  Before it starts who is going number 1 and who do the Celtics take at #6?
DD- Wiggins one.  (Aaron) Gordon or Joel Embiid for Boston.
DD- But TRAdes

DD-more broads than you'd expect here.
JK- That's interesting.
DD-CLEVELAND SUCKS rains down from the rafters!
JK-It really does!!!
DD- Cleveland will blow this pick btw
JK-I think odds are better that it will be a bust.  Typical Cleveland.  That place stinks.  I hope Clevelands pick walks out on stage and does the Johnny football money gesture.

Andrew Wiggins goes #1 to Cleveland
DD-Wiggins is Canadian.
DD-Crowd supported him.
JK-What kind of America is this!?

Jabari Parker goes #2 to Milwaukee
DD-My seats are so cheap that Philly is everywhere
JK- That's never a good sign.  How about Parker going to the wasteland that is Milwaukee?

Joel Embiid goes #3 to Philly
JK-That look on Embiid's face during his name getting called really sums up anyone getting news that they have to go to Philly.
DD- Parker wanted that.  Hour from his hometown.
DD- I'm hoping Embiid wasn't live
JK- Maybe he just doesn't like cheesesteak

Aaron Gordon goes #4 to Orlando
JK- Shit.  That's a letdown
DD-AND 1 style reaction up here
JK- LIke when Hot Sauce crossed up some sucka at Rucker Park?
DD- Yes.  Shocking.
JK- Utah Jazz are up next.  Will they select a Mormon?

Dante Exum goes #5 to Utah
JK-Australian.  Next best thing.
DD- Wut.

Marcus Smart goes #6 to Boston
DD- I'm so mad if rondo is gone
JK-Holy smokes.  How do you like that pick?  I was thinking (Julius) Randle
DD- Anti randle.
DD-I hope he can play with Rubio in Minnesota!
JK- Do you think smart's glasses are real or hipster fake?
DD- Fake.

Julius Randle goes #7 to Los Angeles Lakers
JK- Woof. Rodeo drive has a new client.
DD- He sucks.
DD- Foot surgery.
DD-Lol dummy.
DD-I'm hating everyone until pick seventeen (next Celtic's pick)
DD- Fingers crossed for Dario Saric
JK- Can they redraft Brian Scalabrine?  Is it possible?
DD- Everyone sucks

Nik Stauskas goes #8 to Sacramento
JK- Is Nik Stauskas the 2nd coming of Jimmer in Sacramento?  And I don't trust someone who spells Nick without the 'c'

Noah Vonleh goes #9 to Charlotte 

Elfrid Payton goes #10 to Philly 

Doug McDermott goes #11 to Denver

At this point, Dapper Dan has either had too many Coors Lights or his phone died or he is just too enthused in the draft to text me.  Some thoughts to consider:  What the hell kind of a name is Elfrid?  I don't watch it, but if you were to ask me "Is Elfrid an NBA prospect's first name or a character on Game of Thrones?"  I totally would've said Game of Thrones without hesitating.  I do like his hair, by the way.  As for Dougie McBuckets going to Denver, all I have to say is that thanks to my beloved Providence Friars, he'll be going there without a Big East title.  Take that, sucka.

Philly?  Grrrrrrrreaaaaat.

Doug McDermott has been traded to Chicago 
That was fast.

Dario Saric goes #12 to Orlando
Obviously the Croatian guy has a purple bow-tie.  This guy looks like a real doofus.  I know Dapper Dan wanted him for the Celtic's but he doesn't do it for me.  On a side note, does anyone else think that Commissioner Silver looks like a cartoon character?  He has very mouselike qualities about him.  Maybe the ears?  He almost reminds me of a human pencil for some reason.  Minnesota is up next.

Zach LaVine goes #13 to Minnesota
As someone who can't grow a decent looking beard, even I have to say that this kid can't grow facial hair.  Geez.  Looks about 12 if it weren't for the fact he's 6'8 or whatever.  I already don't like him because he wears high socks while playing basketball.  That's not good.  Might as well toss on some short shorts and go full on early 70's style.
I also like these Footlocker/Adidas commercials with Dante Exum.  Strange listening to an Australian accent when the conversation is about sneakers.  He's kinda funny.  Also, somewhat worried about Dapper Dan.  Maybe he got thrown out for having too much fun?  Kinda concerning.  

TJ Warren goes #14 to Phoenix
I will not even pretend that I know anything about TJ Warren.  I was kinda banking on Dapper Dan to be the wealth of knowledge as my correspondent.  Maybe he has gone rogue and is attempting to go backstage for interviews?  I give this Warren fella credit, that is a pretty boss looking black and pink pinstripe shirt he has on.  Very impressive.

Adreian Payne goes #15 to Atlanta

We now have Krazy Kyle Towne reporting as my new NBA Draft correspondent.  Please welcome him with open arms.

KT- Kyle here, reporting live from the Sully Cave
JK- Kyle, thank you for joining the B@J NBA Draft reporting team.  What's the atmosphere like in the Sully Cave?
KT-Pretty low-key right now.  We were pretty upset after having Embiid, Gordon and Exum all taken from our grasp.  But things are looking up.  We are really holding out hope for GARY
Come to the Celtics!!!

JK- Is Gary the snail the most famous Gary of all time in your opinion?
KT-The Dante Exum commercials are spawt-on, but are really putting salt in the wound for us Celtics fans.  We were one pick away.  No Gary Busey is number one.  Then he probably falls somewhere between Gary Coleman and Gary Payton.
JK- Riveting stuff right there.  Chicago is up next, who do you have them taking right now?
KT- Well I believe this pick is going to Denver if I'm not mistaken, in the Doug McDermott trade.  If it is Chicago, they'll take Tyler Ennis.  If it's Denver, I'm saying Gary Harris, and more heartbreak for Sully and me.
JK-Geez.  I can't trust anything on tv anymore.

Jusuf Nurkic goes #16 to Chicago/Denver
JK- What the hell did he just say?
KT- That guys is gonna love the legal edibles in Denver.
JK- Eat 'em if ya got 'em, am I right?
KT- Won't be shocked if the C's moved down to pick up a second round pick.  But the real hope is for GARY HARRIS.
JK-Can we trust someone named Gary who was born in the 90's?

James Young goes #17 to Boston
KT-Celtics WILL regret that pick
JK-That is such a let down.  Think it'll be part of a trade?
KT- We can only hope.  That guy has the worst hair I think I've ever seen.
KT-We must now brace ourselves for the apundance of bad jokes heading our way with prospects named Smart and Young.
JK-Ugh.  This isn't good.
KT-Jeez, they just had to put the draft on #tbt

Out of nowhere, Dapper Danny Allen has come back with some text messages
DD-He's (Elfrid) supposed to be good.  I hate everyone and everything here.
DD-This euro is awesome!  Should've gone ten slots later!
DD-Beginning to heckle.
DD-Lot of Melo going elsewhere jokes.
JK- Thoughts on Young?
DD-Solid pick.  Stauskas but later.

Tyler Ennis goes #18 to Phoenix
JK-Tyler Ennis just looks good in orange

Gary Harris goes #19 to Chicago/Denver
KT-Right team, wrong pick.  Knew he'd end up in Denver somehow.
JK-Hey so would you rather fight 1 horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses?
KT-I have chosen 100 duck sized horses and I will stick with that decision despite how many good arguments are made for the other side.
JK-Interesting.  It's good that you refuse to change your mind.
KT-Yeah, the more I argue about it the deeper entrenched I get in my original opinion.
JK-So Toronto is up next.  Toronto is up in Canada.
KT-They sure are, and boy could we care less.

KT-I would really like them to take Shabazz Napier, purely because I don't want him to land in Miami. Like that kid, and I wouldn't wish LeBron on my worst enemy.  But that means I wouldn't wish LeBron on LeBron…..LeBronception?
JK-Geez Louise that is a scary thought

Bruno Caboclo goes #20 to Toronto
JK-Bruno?  What the fuck
KT-Bill Simmons couldn't have said it better.  "What just happened?"
JK-"He doesn't really know how to play yet" isn't something you want to hear about a kid that just got drafted at #20
KT-Idiotic.  Toronto has World Cup fever.
KT-Shabazz to OKC would be awesome
JK-Yeah they probably would love to fuck over LeBron and the Heat.  This would be great.

Mitch McGary goes #21 to Oklahoma City
KT-Think Like A Man Too is the #1 movie in America.  Let's let that sink in.
JK-You know, maybe Canada isn't so bad after all.
JK-So Mitch McGary fails a drug test, goes to the draft instead of serving a suspension, and now gets drafted and rich.  Only in America.
KT-Gotta love it.  Also gotta love a guy named Bogdan Bogdanovic.

Dapper Dan strikes again!
DD- Lots of mutual sympathy among Celtics fans.
DD-Put that on your fucking blog:

JK-Holy shit.  Imagine that.  A Len Bias Celtics jersey.  A Celtics jersey of a player who died the day after we drafted him.  That's pretty damn impressive.

Jordan Adams goes #22 to Memphis
JK-Dan just sent me a pic of a Len Bias jersey at the draft
KT-Jeez.  Just poured out a full beer.

Rodney Hood goes #23 to Utah
JK-How'd the crowd at the Sully Cave respond to Rodney Hood getting drafted to the Mormons in Utah?
KT- We are so jealous of those idiots.
JK- And with good reason.
KT-Give me Exum and Hood over Smart/Young any day.  Making out like bandits.  But hey, they are the fluffiest organization in sports.  They are just…there…and always will be.  They will never amount to anything.
JK-Are Exum and Hood the next Stockton/Malone?  Should Exum wear short shorts?

Shabazz Napier goes #24 to Charlotte 
KT-Kemba and Shabazz!
JK-Reunited and it feels so good!  Get on the Hornets bandwagon!

Shabazz Napier rumored to be traded Miami
JK-Oh shit.
KT- Sweet shit.  It was destiny.
JK-So much for the Uconn reunion.  Shabazz is gonna develop a serious coke problem in Miami now.

Clint Capela goes #25 to Houston
JK- Oh.  Clint.
KT- Sup Clint.
KT-I hate seeing LeBron happy.
JK-See that's why I love sports and pop culture.  Neither of us are ever going to meet LeBron James, but we both want him to be miserable.
KT- Just another reason to love this country.
KT- And on that note, bring on those waffle eating idiots!  USA! USA! USA!
JK- Yeah man!  Fuck Belgium!  They're good for nothing!

PJ Hairston goes #26 to Miami.
JK-So Doug McDermott goes to Denver?
KT-Nope.  They were just confirming the trade from earlier.  Dougie McNugbutts will be joining Anthony Randolph on a one way flight to Chicago, Ill.
JK-Oh.  I thought its as a 2nd trade.
KT-Nuggets get Gary Harris (the guy they probably would've taken at 11), Jusuf Nurkic, and 2015 2nd rounder from Chi city.  Great trade for Denver.  Good work.
JK-And great work from my correspondent at the Sully Cave on explaining that trade!

Bogdan Bogdanovic goes #27 to Phoenix
KT-Goran Dragic's new besty
JK- When will you be ordering that jersey?  Hopefully in the retro 90's edition
KT-Yeah I want a Barkley-era Bogdanovic

JK-'Your Love' by the Outfield and 'She Drives Me Crazy' by Fine Young Cannibals just came on shuffle back to back. What a night.
KT- Sully just brought up a great point about the Williams sisters.  Where does one play tennis in Compton?
JK- Wow.  No clue.  Can we confirm it's THE Compton in California?

CJ Wilcox goes #28 to the Los Angeles Clippers
KT-So Venus is from Compton, CA…and Serena is from Saginaw, MI.  Lynwood, CA to be specific.
JK-How the hell is that possible?  One sister grew up in Compton and one in Saginaw?  Did they meet at summer camp like in the Parent Trap?
KT- That's the only explanation that makes any sense.

Dapper Dan breaks his silence:
DD- One of the last B@J updates is that everyone has a fucking shirt but no one has anything to say.
JK-What do you mean?
DD- Literally you see a person in an obscure player and ask about the reparative pick and they can't opine.
JK-So it's like a bunch of fake hipsters who don't know what they're wearing but they do it to not be mainstream?

Josh Huestis goes #29 to Oklahoma City
JK-Oh.  A Stanford man got drafted.  Geez.  He would be from Montana.
KT- Snore pick right there.
KT- In my mock draft I had San Antonio stealing CleAnthony Early.  Dare to believe.
JK-That might be my favorite name in the draft.  I hope they get him.
KT- For the record, my boss's mock draft had Spencer Dinwiddie being selected here.  Another fantastic name.
JK-Whoaaa.  That does win.

Kyle Anderson goes #30 to San Antonio 
JK-Really?  They couldn't have picked a more boring name.
KT-Only idiots are named Kyle.
JK-Oh yeah. That's right.  Hey so anyways, Kyle, thank you for filling in for Dapper Dan Allen for this.
KT- On the bright side, I now have a starting five of Kyle's in the NBA.  And hey now problem, always down to chat about the NBA.

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