Things I'd Rather Watch Than Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl Halftime Show

This past week it was announced that Bruno Mars will be playing the Super Bowl halftime show.  Bruno Mars may be talented and whatnot, but this choice just doesn't do it for me.  For one, he isn't showboaty enough for my liking.  With an awesome name like Bruno Mars, I feel like you should have a bit of flair and panashe.  He's kind of boring to me.  It also bugs me that he has the same fondness for weird hats a la John Mayer.  Bruno Mars is talented and has a few catchy songs but he has me longing for the days of Lenny Kravtiz and the dude from Hootie and the Blowfish as the bro-chill black guys who white people like.  Overall, not pleased with the decision, so here are a few things I'd rather watch during halftime of the Super Bowl in lieu of Mr. Mars.

Iron Chef: Macaroni and Cheese edition

Daft Punk playing Battleship

A contest to see who could smile first: Victoria Beckham, Jesse Lacey, Daniel Craig and Christian Bale.

30 minutes worth of the AT&T commercials with that dude and the kindergartners talking about life. Man, kids really do say the darndest things. 

Amanda Bynes doing whatever she wanted to for 30 minutes.

ESPN have a 30 minute segment where they do NOT mention: Tim Tebow, Robert Griffin III, Mark Sanchez, Lebron James or Dwight Howard.  This will be called "Mission Impossible". 

Kenan and Kel reunite for a Good Burger skit

A conversation between Ben Stein and Pee Wee Herman about whatever they wanted.  Maybe about dogs? 

Kate Upton playing ping pong.

2 episodes of Hey Arnold! I mean, let's be honest that would be the greatest Super Bowl halftime show ever.  Just set up a giant projector screen and show the Stoop Kid episode and the one where Stinky becomes the spokesman for Yahoo Soda.

Lil Wayne trying to play guitar again like that one time on SNL

Sarah Jessica Parker riding a horse (Horseception?)

The Smashing Pumpkins actually smashing a pile of pumpkins.

Nickelback and Creed fight to the death.

Hanson

The team of Regis Philbin & Robert Pattinson competing in the final round course of Legends of the Hidden Temple.  They would be the Blue Barracudas.  

Stone Cold Steve Austin highlights.

All 32 mascots playing a big game of flip-cup to determine something stupid like home field advantage in the Pro Bowl.

A random 30 minutes of A Knight's Tale (miss you Heath :-/)

A tribute to Amy Winehouse performed by Miley Cyrus.

Al Roker building his own pizza.

Giada De Laurentiis.  I really like Giada De Laurentiis.

Bill Clinton playing his saxophone

Vin Diesel reading at a poetry slam

Jeopardy! skit with Will Ferrel.  I don't care if it is a new one or an old one.  I'll take what I can get at this point. 

Sockem' Bopper Showdown between Lindsay Lohan against the other 3 chicks from Mean Girls.

Remember that hologram 2Pac performance at Coachella last year?  Can we get someone good like Johnny Cash or Jimi Hendrix?  I'll settle for Whitney Houston if I have to.  

Kim Kardashian Celebrity Roast- Uncensored and without Kim being there.

Cee Lo Green on a treadmill

Dolphins playing with monkeys 

Khloe Kardashian have a staring contest with a cow

Kristen Stewart eating a cheeseburger.

A debate about global warming between Mike Tyson and Dennis Rodman

Justin Bieber get bullied and stuffed into a locker by Kiefer Sutherland and/or Clint Eastwood

30 minutes of watching Taylor Swift locked in a room trying to write a song NOT about an ex-boyfriend.  Her head might explode.