Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Bachelorwhat?

Monday night was the season finale of The Bachelorette.  I had never watched a single episode of this because it isn't exactly my cup of tea.  That being said, I'm always one for becoming a more cultured person during this crazy little journey called life, so I gave it a shot Monday night.  Like my mother, a journalist, I had my handy dandy notebook ready and my hands ready at will to jot down as many notes as I could while watching this.  I'm gonna start this blog off with said notes and added comments, and then proceed to share my own thoughts on how I could make this show so much better if I were lucky enough to be named The Bachelor.

Just as a slight background for anyone knew to this, Desiree was very, very upset because on the prior episode, the would-be winner Brooks told her that he wanted to leave because he didn't love her (gasp).  Visibly upset, Desiree had the unique problem of having two more contestants left who were vying for her love, who she clearly didn't like as much as this dude Brooks who left her high and dry.  This leads us to Drew and Chris to have the chance to become the future ex-husband of Desiree.  Now that we are all caught up in this love triangle that no one should be jealous of, on to the rapid-fire notes!

  • First thing is first, this rambunctious crowd of desperate housewives that make up the audience of this finale are frightening.  I bet 100% of these women are huge fans of Fifty Shades of Grey.  It looked like a giant PTA meeting with the intensity of a Jerry Springer-meets-Oprah crowd.  It was a good night for babysitters in whatever area this thing was filmed in.  
  • Lots of violins.  Seriously, what is with the violin music?  Setting the mood?  These people are on a television show in Antigua, how much sadness can there really be besides one guy getting dumped, and by dumped I mean probably saved from a huge fucking mistake.  I haven't heard violins playing this much on a television screen since the end of Titanic right before the ship goes down.
  • At the beginning of this episode, I realize that these two remaining guys are basically fighting for second place, which is crazy because right now second place means marrying this girl.  
  • Seems like a good show for Kleenex to spend some marketing dollars on.
  • At first, I was thinking Desiree was the poor man's Rachel Bilson, but I'm now leaning towards the poor man's Katie Holmes.  
Seriously, Katie Holmes or Rachel Bilson?

  • The audience questions was awesomely awkward.  Kinda scared me to see some of these women take a stranger's narrowing down of 20 bachelors so seriously. The questions were so serious and these women were like the female version of ESPN analysts giving their predictions on NFL games.  Somewhat unsettling.
  • Hearing these women say if they were "Team Chris" or "Team Drew" makes me long for the simpler times of "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob"
  • Drew looks like a modern day Patrick Bateman.  I can't stop thinking he's going to pull out an axe and kill this girl.  Kinda concerning. 
Has a bit of Cooper Anderson in him doesn't he?
  • "I really need to talk to you" is probably the best line that can be said on a show like this.  This is a phrase that is never a good sign in real life or reality TV.  Poor Drew.  This doesn't seem good for him.  Get the axe ready!
  • Kinda felt bad for this Drew guy but c'mon did he really think he was going to win her heart by showing up to this final date in those purple shorts?  He brought this upon himself. 
  • I really can't think of a worse send off than being picked up by a creepy gray rape van off of the beach you just got your heart broken on.  This show is ruthless!
  • Onto the final date with Chris: Real awesome cameo from that skipping fish in the ocean.  Not so awesome was Chris and Desiree asking what it was.  It was a fish.  
  • Chris just gave Desiree a journal.  A journal with prewritten poetry and quotes.  Sweet mother of pearl.  What a classless human being.  Poetry is dead, and there is already writing in her journal.  First of all, bro, girls write in diaries.  Journals are for Doug Funnie.  If he had any idea on how to woo a girl, he would have started a blog.  
"Hey, wanna get married for a couple hundred days?"
  • This Brooks fella still seems to have a hold on poor, confused Desiree.  This guy must be quite the catch! I really can't blame him for testing other waters.  It's amazing to think right now that with only Chris remaining on the show (unbeknownst to him of course) that there is still some actual doubt that he might not get chosen.  I am now starting to hate Desiree.
  • Chris is meeting Desiree's family which won't be awkward or anything.  Instant reaction: holy shit Desiree's brother definitely has a few felonies under his belt.  That guy is frightening.  I don't know how I'd feel meeting a girl's brother if he was like this guy.  I'd be intimidated by his tattoos all while trying not to laugh at his wardrobe from Hollister.  Nothing is ever easy these days.  
  • "Do you feel 100% confident she will choose you?" asks Desiree's brother.  Since he is the only guy left, I will say that I kinda like his chances, but hey you never know!
  • Really on the edge of my seat for the ending.  Looks like it'll come down to Chris or becoming a Nun.  All the Nuns watching must be praying Desiree doesn't pick Chris.  
  • Chris looks like a big Dave Matthews fan.  Hope she turns him down for the Nunnery.  
  • Dammit, she picked Chris.  Big letdown here.  I'll give them a year and a half of marriage, tops.   
What a show, right guys?  Just breathtaking stuff.  I will admit it was somewhat entertaining but I found myself laughing out loud much more than I thought I would.  This show was just so cheesy that it was kinda good.  This was an absolute train wreck.  This got me thinking: if I were The Bachelor and got to choose between 20 women, how could I make the show more awesome?  I feel like this show needs a twist.  I want to be the hero to poor guys who have to watch this show with their controlling wives/girlfriends.  How can I do this?  I have a few ideas:

  • Gotta spice things up right off the bat.  There is power in numbers.  Therefore I'm going to have someone steal some girls money or prized possessions while all 20 girls are in the house and try to frame as many people as possible to cause utter chaos.  Obviously whatever was stolen would be "found" and returned, but the seed would be planted into the heads of these poor girls vying for my attention.  Let the games begin.  
  • Next up is to blow up someone's car.  Think about it: why was Transformers an entertaining movie?  It wasn't the chemistry between Shia Labeouf or Megan Fox, it was the explosions.  Explosions make awesome TV.  I'm thinking we get some sweet American made car, cash a check for product placement, blow it to smithereens and just watch the ratings go up week by week.  Why would we blow up the car?  I don't know but we can probably frame someone for it.  Really add to the drama.  
  • I guess we need to start getting into actual contests to try to woo me.  Let's go with an emo karaoke challenge.  Emo songs are awesome to sing along to.  Anyone who has really let themselves get into some song like Seventy Times 7 or Cute Without the E (Cut From the Team) can attest to this.  Therefore, what better way to make things awkward than to have a number of ladies start singing miserable, depressing tunes to win my approval?  I'm kinda seeing this take place at a really shitty dive bar in whatever town this show would take place in on a Tuesday night so we are guaranteed some locals present.  
  • Who makes the best macaroni and cheese contest.  This contest would be taken very seriously.  If there is one way to my heart, it is via macaroni and cheese.  No breadcrumbs.  Never was a fan of breadcrumbs.  Is this a simple contest?  I guess so, yeah, but let's face it, the importance here is at an all-time high.
  • Maybe I want some keepsakes from this show.  I like art, so I'm thinking a portrait or sculpture contest.  Who doesn't want a statue of themselves?  I have a had a plan that if I ever become filthy rich I would offer my alma mater Providence College millions of dollars in return for a statue of me on the quad.  It's the ultimate power move.  Since that won't ever happen, I have to turn my thoughts to more realistic possibilities: me going on The Bachelor and hosting a contest where girls make a statue of me.  Winner of this contest gets to learn my middle name and take my dog Oso on a walk with me.  Really looking forward to this contest. 
  • I'm thinking a mix tape contest would be great.  Each girl makes a cd with 10 songs on it.  Automatic elimination if a Dave Matthews, Beatles, or country song makes it on to the mix tape. This will really weed out the competition.  
  • Drinking contest: I don't want to condone heavy drinking, but in this situation I will be in the entertainment business, and this would be pure gold.  Who can shotgun the most Keystone Lights in an hour, the winner gets to go on a date with me to moderately priced Hibachi restaurant.
  • My buddy Tyler always gives me crap and claims that I'm a terrible friend to him, which I'm not. At one point I even wrote a blog for him on Valentine's Day trying to get some ladies to go after him, and he was so ungrateful.  I'm sick of being called a bad friend.  Therefore, I propose a "Who can punch Tyler the hardest" contest.  Everyone likes a girl who can hold her own.  Grit and strength go a long way here people.  Basically, everyone wins: viewers, me, the girls, everyone who Tyler has double-crossed over the past 23 years.  Nothing can go wrong here.  
  • Finally, at some point I'm going to fake my own death during the show.  Turn this quest for love into a quest for finding my supposed murderer.  This would be an interesting challenge as I can see who grieves my loss the most. True sadness over a fake murder can really show a man that they care, and it could give them or lose them major points in the quest for my love.  Of course, in the shocking finale, I'd show up at my own funeral Huckleberry Finn/Tom Sawyer style and surprise everyone with a sweet catchphrase and make my decision of who I choose, if anyone.  
This has the chance to really boost ratings for The Bachelor.  I hear some guy named Juan Pablo was just chosen to be next season's bachelor, so let me officially toss my hat into the ring for following Bachelor show contest thingy.  I can promise you chaos, explosions, and probably not true love because let's be real, you're not gonna seriously fall in love with someone on a TV contest.  

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