Monday, January 9, 2012

Livin' In a Hipsta Paradise

With the new year here, expectations, hopes and questions are going though everybody's minds. For one group of people, more problems and questions may be arising in 2012. What type of people do you ask? Hipsters.

Hipsters are the most mysterious group of people out there. All they care about is not being mainstream and going against the kool kids and what most people enjoy, indulging in lesser known musicians, movies, ideas and style. An ideal day for a true hipster would consist of deciding which flannel to wear, hopping on their bike to go get some thin crust pizza, throw some Neutral Milk Hotel on vinyl and watch b-movies all night. Hipsters cannot be pleased. If anything they like becomes popular, they decide they don't like it anymore due to it becoming mainstream. It's a revolving door of sadness and fads. 2012 will be no different for hipsters. I present to you: 2012- The Year of Hipster Problems.

  • 2011 was tough for hipsters with the Arcade Fire shocking the world and winning a Grammy for Album of the Year over Biebz, Eminem, I forget who else but probably Lady Gaga and Rihanna. 2012 will be a trying year, because now that Arcade Fire have gone mainstream by winning an award and getting popular (mostly by people asking 'who the hell is Arcade Fire?') it means that they have to be replaced as top band in the indie/hipster community.

  • Hipster Athlete Tim Lincecum will have a down year and ruin sports for all hipsters.

  • Even hipsters will realize that Tyler, The Creator is one of the most pathetic scumbags on this planet, and they will lose faith in their token hip-hop hipster. The whole Fresh Prince ripoff look wasn't working out too well for him anyways.

  • Hipsters took another blow at the end of 2011 with hipster queen Zooey Deschanel becoming more and more popular with her tv shows. First she stars in New Girl but she also writes Whitney which is rumored to actually be funny. Anywho, then Zooey ends up divorcing the frontman from Death Cab For Cutie, meaning that she's single and going to be a hot commodity, making her more and more famous, thus more and more mainstream. Hipsters frown upon this. Their queen is going mainstream, which means that they need a new hipster queen. Possible choices include Lindsay Lohan, Drew Barrymore, or Amy PoelherSlow.

  • Speaking of Death Cab For Cutie, since they now have new material to write about cause of Zooey Deschanel (divorce, broken hearts), they might be able to put out an extremely successful emo-indie album, thus also going to mainstream for their hipster fans.

  • Slowly but surely, the hipsters against ipods movement will fade out. I myself am a fan of vinyl records. I think it truly sounds better on vinyl, but that doesn't help me out when I'm away from my bedroom and want to hear music. Hipsters will have to accept the fact that iPods are awesome and are meant to be their friend.

  • That being said, buying vinyl will become to mainstream and cassette tapes will become all the rage to hipsters in 2012, thus starting another complex, expensive means of listening to music

  • Hipsters will dump facebook by April to start going back to MySpace. They will then slowly realize just how creepy MySpace was/is and will quietly reactivate their facebooks by June.

  • Urban Outfitters will file for bankruptcy since too many people go there to just look at their overly expensive clothing, and not actually buy anything. Hipsters will act as if they won't care but they secretly adore UO and will focus solely on thrift stores to enhance their wardrobe.

  • Hipster Heartthrob Lana Del Rey performs on Saturday Night Live this Saturday and will soon be questioned by everyone about the size of her massive, gotta-be-fake lips and bore everyone. This will make hipster music a laughingstock and be a major blow to indie musicians.

  • Best Coast will completely sell out and actually make it big with their new album. Too mainstream and too bitchy. Nay for the hipsters. They lose again.

  • Hipsters will officially become too frustrated with being hipster as it keeps getting mocked, scrutinized and, ironically, mainstream. Hipsters will collectively give up and the hipster movement will be extinct by 12/21/12, along with the rest of the human race if those damn Mayans are right.

1 comment:

  1. Oh gosh james…you hipsters these days are so silly… we know circle jerks haven't gone out of style for you hipstars yet