Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's the Most Stressful Time of the Year

March. What an interesting month. The depressing months of winter are starting to wane, we catch a few glimpses of Spring, fantasy baseball drafts start, the Ides of March is celebrated (?), St. Pat and Joe are celebrated, it's an alright time of the year, until March Madness hits. Every year, the NCAA basketball tournament causes more stress than Finals week, Midterms week and Shark week combined. This year has been the quite possibly the worst year for brackets ever in the history of brackets. It's been so bad that I've spent the past week and a half watching all the Harry Potter movies with Sean Mottola and Ryan Urkiel. It seems that only some autistic kid has a perfect bracket so far (according this this article), which is impressive, but you gotta imagine that it's mostly luck. This March has been incredibly depressing, and you can blame it on St. Mary's, Murray St., Northern Iowa, Cornell, Old Dominion, and Ohio University. These schools have made me a very sad young man, and I hope all these schools comedown with horrible luck in the next few months for the stress they've endured me. I didn't even bet any money on brackets this year, but my current bracket is so embarassing, awful, miserable, disappointing, ugly and bamboozled that it hurts my pride to even take a gander at it. So since this is the case, let me give you pointers when picking a bracket.

When Picking the First Round: Always take Gonzaga, Michigan St. and whoever the four #1 seeds are. These could be your only safe bets. Why Gonzaga and Michigan State in particular? They always win in the first round. That's why. No if's and's or but's about it. I started picking Gonzaga in the first round when I was like 7 simply because I liked the name of the school, and I've done it ever since. And you know what? It's paid off each year. I couldn't tell you what state Gonzaga is in, if it's Gonzaga University, Gonzaga College or The University of Gonzaga College, and I only recently found out that their mascot is the Bulldog. Michigan State just always wins in the first round, so pick them too. Oh, and as many upsets as there may have been in the history of March Madness, a 16 seed will never beat a number 1, and I'll bet anyone on that. As for the rest of the first round, just pick whatever you want.

When Picking the Second Round: Always. Always. And I mean always go with the odd number seeds if it's a matchup between an odd and an even seed. Don't question it. I have finally learned that this is the case. Think that #1 seed Duke had trouble with #8 California? Nope. Not at all. You know why? Odds always prevail over evens in the 2nd round, and that is just a pure fact. Now I know what you'll be asking next, what about the matchups that have 2 odd numbered seeds playing and the matchups with 2 even number seeds playing. This is simple. Guess. Don't think, just go with the first team that comes to mind. It's like choosing vanilla or chocolate, you may choose differently at different times, but if you had to choose one at that exact moment what would you pick? Apply this to one of these matchups, say between #5 Butler and #13 Murray State. Which do you favor at this point? Butler sounds like butter, which you like with your popcorn, so why not choose Butler? Good choice my friend, because Butler went on to win that matchup, and you won because of your gut.

When Picking the Third Round: Always pick the team with the more fierce mascot, no exceptions. Let's quickly go over this from the remaining teams in the bracket: Spartans will poach the Panthers, a Buckeye will beat any Volunteer any day of the week, a group of Orangemen will train the Bulldogs, Xavier will beat the Wildcats of Kansas State because they have two mascots according to Wikipedia (a Muskateer and a Blue Blob), The Baylor Bears will claw at the Gaels of St. Mary's, a Blue Devil will never lose to a Boilermaker, sort of like how a Moutaineer will never lose to a husky, and finally, in the toughest matchup of the Sweet Sixteen, the Cornell Big Red Bear will defeat the Kentucky Wildcat. Call me crazy, but it'll happen.

When Picking the Rest of Your Bracket: As of now because of my advice, we have Michigan State versus Ohio State, Xavier versus Syracuse, Baylor versus Duke and West Virginia verse Cornell. We're talking the Elite 8 here people, so we're getting down to brass tacks. If you're still reading by this point, you are lucky because you are about to become you're bracket champion (if you started choosing after the 2nd round). In the Elite 8, choose the team who's letter comes last in the matchup. Ohio State will beat Michigan State, Xavier will beat Syracuse, Duke will beat Baylor and West Virginia will beat Cornell. You're welcome. The final four is now pretty difficult. Keep in mind that it is being held in Indy, so obviously Ohio State will defeat Xavier by 12 points. The harder matchup is Duke against West Virginia. Hmmm. I am actually perplexed by this matchup, but I've made my decision. West Virginia. Why? I have no idea.

This now leads to the National Championship between Ohio State and West Virginia. Both teams are good, but only one can be best. On Ohio State, you have Evan "The Villain" Turner and Mark "The Shark" Titus, easily the best 1-2 punch in all of College Basketball, and on West Virginia you have some dude named Lazar Hayward and Coach Bob "Huggy Bear" Huggins. Would you have the guts to go against a man who goes by Huggy Bear and the only person on earth named Lazar? I would. Ohio State will win by 5 points in a close game that may or may not be televised. You're welcome, I hope to get a share of your winnings due to my intellect and great prediction making. Hope your March just got a little less stressful.

First off, I would like to say that the fallout from the Bro blog was devastating, and now more and more people are thinking of Bro names for famous people. Just the other day my group of friends came up with Edgar Allen Bro, Broah's Ark, Chan Bro Park, Han Brolo, Broda, C3PBro, and President WoodBro Wilson. Secondly, I would like to send a huge shoutout to the lovely Jenna Borkoski, or BROkoski if you want, for giving me the idea to blog about March Madness. It might be crazy that I've had consecutive shoutouts to Barrington girls, but at least Jenna actually earned it with a good blog topic. Lastly, I'm still taking ideas for the T-shirt, because Danny and I want to get them out soon, if anyone is interested just leave a comment (with your name if you want a free shirt) on my facebook or in the comment section below.

Forever yours,


  1. how about... jim, bro fuck yourself you fucking idiot i hope you die a firey death

    you should know

  2. lazar hayward plays for marquette....

  3. the retards bracket is in the version you can edit as you go, the news reporters that believed him should be put on trial and stoned to death. DO YOUR RESEARCH OR I'M NEVER GOING TO EAT BREAKFAST AT THIS RESTAURANT!