Thursday, May 22, 2014

Macaulay Culkin, Failure and Sledgehammers: Pop Culture Smorgasbord V

I realize that I haven't done much writing due to the Pop Culture Madness tournament which took about two months too long, which may or may not have been part of my plan.  With the exception of a top 10 list of the best songs by the Pixies, which you should totally check out, and the final matchup between Kel Mitchell and eventual champion Bill Murray, I haven't been using my creative genius to rag on items in pop culture.  That being said, I've been keeping a list of topics I would like to address, so let's get started.

  • First off, when are hipsters going to start wearing brands like Ecko, Fubu, and South Pole?  I'm thinking in about two years we can expect this to happen.  
Not so mainstream anymore!
  • So Donald Sterling quickly became the most famous owner of an NBA team recently.  Sweet Jesus did he make a mess of his life.  This whole situation about being secretly recorded by a mistress who claims to not be a mistress has everyone somewhat confused.  This V. Stiviano is possibly the most mysterious part of the whole situation.  Apparently she has more aliases than a typical 1930's Chicago Mobster and was trying to get her meal ticket with this recording.  Seriously, she has gone by Vanessa Maria Perez, Monica Gallegos, Maria Vanessa Perez, Maria Valdez, Mariamonica Perez Gallegos, Puff Daddy, V-String, Lefty, Lil' V With the Gimpy Leg, and Fun Dip.  I'm just confused by why she settled on just V.  Unless she's starring in a movie with Natalie Portman with a shaved head and wearing a mask, it's not really a good name to use out in public.  What she did was good in a way because we found out Donald Sterling is a racist, but unfortunately she'll be on some awful reality game show in the near future, and try stretching out her 15 minutes of fame as long as possible.  Only in America, man.  
  • As I mentioned in a prior blog, the iPhone commercial with the Pixies song 'Gigantic' is pretty awesome.  Makes me want to finally get the upgrade on my iPhone that I've had for about 18 months.  I can only wonder if Apple knew just exactly what 'Gigantic' is rumored to be about.
  • So Solange Knowles seems to be Public Enemy number 1 in the eyes of the general public after slapping around Jay Z in an elevator and upsetting Beyonce.  What is sad is that some people who really need to go outside more will probably care more about Solange being a terrible person than various dictators and Donald Sterling.  This whole Beyonce craze is kind of absurd right now anyways.  SURFBORT.  

  • One ad campaign that has not been doing so well comes to us from Dominoe's.  I'll tell ya, somewhere out there is an ad man who was trying to get himself fired by coming up with the "Failure IS an option" campaign, only for it to be picked up and actually used in commercials.  I realize that some things in life you have to try and try again after failing, such as riding a unicycle, or shotgunning 5 Keystone Lights in 60 seconds, but I never want failure to be involved in my food, and for it to be deemed okay by the people serving it.  What happens when I return my shitty tasting pizza?  "Hey, these Cinnastix kinda suck."  "Oh, well I can promise you that we really tried.  You know, sometimes failure CAN be an option.  Enjoy this coupon next time you come in."  NO.  This is just typical Dominoe's covering their asses for sucking.  Do they want me to not be mad the next time they make my Cheesey Bread taste like a stale piece of Doublemint Gum?  Failure is an option.  God.  I'd love to see a student try using that one on their parents.  Suck it Dominoe's. 
  • The Wu Tang Clan did something pretty interesting recently.  They made an album that is truly one of a kind.  Seriously.  There is only one copy on this album on vinyl.  And that's all there ever will be.  Basically, they worked their asses off to make a 31 song double album entitled Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, and it will be toured throughout the country at museums where you can listen to it on headphones, to stop any chance of the album being leaked to the public.  After this museum tour, it is being sold for (reportedly) $5 million.  This now leads into the question of "If you could have one band/singer make an album JUST for you, who would it be?"   Personally, I'd have trouble deciding between the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Brand New….or Rebecca Black, just to piss people off.  Pretty awesome thought concept by the Wu Tang Clan to pull a stunt that has never been done before, which is rare in this day and age.  

  • That reminds me that the Boston Calling music festival starts tomorrow (Friday).  Really looking forward to seeing Brand New, Modest Mouse, Death Cab For Cutie, and the opportunity to throw some rocks at Jack Johnson.  I discussed this via text with dear friend and fellow blogger Matt "Hey How Are Ya?" Rizzini, but what exactly are the odds that Brand New plays 'Logan to Government Center'?  the Government Center T stop is closed for 2 years, but they're so close by, so they have to play it, right?  Then again, they are not ones who really play to what the crowd wants, so maybe they'll just be oblivious and not play it at all.  I'm optimistic and am going to say the odds of them playing it are 51-49.  Gotta keep the faith, you guys.  
  • Remember the 'Make 7-Up Yours' commercials?  Now that was one hell of an ad campaign.  

  • It's been good times recently for fans of emo bands who broke up 15+ years ago.  Mineral decided to get back together, but more importantly, American Football decided to bring back their not-very-cheery music from the dead.  I recently read an interview with the singer of American Football where he admitted he was pretty confused by the fame they've gotten over the years, considering they only played around 12 basement shows in the midwest and actually broke up before their only full length album came out.  That's like Heath Ledger dying before the Dark Knight came out.  Okay maybe that isn't the best analogy to use, but you know what I mean.  What matters is that a bunch of unhappy kids briefly grinned for a split second upon hearing the news of Mineral and American Football reuniting for some shows during this year.  
  • Avril Lavigne had a pretty awful music video come out for a single entitled 'Hello Kitty' where she basically took every Asian stereotype and rolled it into a video that even MTV wouldn't have played back in the mid 80's.  I know it was basically career suicide for her when she married the douche from Nickelback, but this is just stupidity.  The Queen of England on LSD could watch a full season of Pokemon on mute and understand it more than any sober person watching this Avril Lavigne music video.  

  • I would now like to call to attention to the only thing that bothers me about Mad Men.  I love the show, I think it is a masterpiece that can basically do no wrong.  This being said, I have on issue with it.  That is when they show flashback of Don Draper (Jon Hamm if you've never seen it). My problem with these flashbacks is that they use a kid to play young Don, who could not look any more unlike Jon Hamm.  For the love of everything sacred did casting mess this one up!  Look at that nose!  You expect us to believe that this dweeb grew up, shrunk his nose and became arguably one of the most handsome men to ever walk the planet?  This show once had a scene where a guy lost his foot in the office when it was run over by a drunk secretary on a John Deere lawnmower and I didn't question it, but this is just too much!  
  • Oh yeah, back to Donald Sterling, the singer from one of my favorite bands, Wavves, created this pic stitch of Donald Sterling and his doppleganger, and it's pretty damn good.  
Well done, Wavves.
  • Only Justin Bieber would move on from Brazilian prostitutes to underage high school girls.  
  • One thing that brought me great joy recently was the picture of Macaulay Culkin wearing a tshirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a tshirt of Macaulay Culkin.  My initial reaction?  How the hell do I not have a tshirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a tshirt of Macaulay Culkin?  The picture of Culkin wearing the shirt is pretty funny.  Probably his finest work since Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. 

  • Couple of weeks ago a very bored and witty Massachusetts Department of Transportation worker (who is clearly not in the proper profession) decided to make signs all over Massachusetts roads read "Use Yah Blinkah!!!".  This was pretty funny stuff.  What wasn't funny was that it probably got instagrammed or tweeted while driving a million times, which probably led to a bunch of accidents and maybe even some deaths.  This is why we can't have nice things.  

  • I was very disappointed recently when the Boston Bruins blew it in the playoffs and lost to those pathetic douchebags that make up the Montreal Canadiens.  What was somewhat good was the fact that Bruins forward Milan Lucic went into the traditional and 'sacred' handshake line where he promptly told Canadiens forward Dale Weiss "I'm going to fucking kill you next year" with an overly firm handshake.  Is this sportsmanlike?  Ehhhhh. Is it awesome?  Yes.  I'd bet money that this is not the first time over the past 90 years that someone has said something along these lines in the handshake line, but it is the first time some cry baby has actually gone public and talk about it.  The thing is, Lucic may have just been angry and didn't really mean it when he said, but now there is a very good chance that he could actually kill Dale Weiss on the ice next year, which is something to watch for next season.  
  • Did you guys know that is exactly the same as it was back in 1996?  That's kind of awesome.  
  • It occurred to me today that after 20 years I guess we can say that Kurt Cobain was in fact lying when he sang on 'Come As You Are' that he didn't have a gun.
  • Wrestling time:  HHH has been one of the greatest wrestlers ever.  Why is his weapon of choice a sledgehammer?  That's a bit much in opinion.  Most people go for a steel chair or a table, but HHH goes for the sledgehammer.  That's a bit unfair.  That's like giving Barry Bonds a metal bat while he was in the peak of his steroid use and they moved the fences in by 40 feet at the Giants ballpark.
I could be a 10 time champion if I used a sledgehammer too, man.
  • Finally, I guess a hologram of Michael Jackson played at the Billboard awards or something, which gives out awards to music for people who are too stupid to branch out and listen to actual good music.  What a joke.  The man is dead.  Give it up.  The only benefit of hologram Michael Jackson is that it is much safer for anyone under the age of 13 and we can probably expect an awesome South Park episode about this in the near future.  Also, I hope that no one makes a hologram of me after I meet my demise in 71 years.  But if someone does, I'd encourage them to put great detail into my hair, because let's face it, that's my real moneymaker.  

No comments:

Post a Comment