Monday, April 11, 2011

Catholic School Girls Rock, Part I

Since the dawn of time, well actually more like July 4th, 1990 when I was graced this good world with my presence, I've always been puzzled by a certain population. They run in packs, attack young males, at times can be conniving, and at times can be very awesome. They rule the universe in plaid skirts, cardigans and without makeup during school hours. They are: Catholic School Girls. In this 3-part blogumentary, I get into the heads of three Catholic school girls from St. Mary's Academy at Bay View, located in my hometown of East Providence, RI. Since I went to a public school and since I was not a fan of Barbies and *Nsync growing up, I obviously couldn't attend this sacred place. Like most public school boys, we were always curious as to what goes on in those halls, heads, and lockerrooms. I can still remember the jealousy back in the 8th grade when I told my friends I got invited to attend a semi-formal at Bay View (hey Kelly Mitchell, still the best date of my life!), it was like I was a God for about 4 days. Moving on, I've developed a survey that was administered to three dear friends of mine, and they all obliged to spill the deets and help me figure out just what all the fuss is about being a Catholic school girl. First up is the lovely, gorgeous, and blonde KP, now a Junior at the famed Depaul University in Chicago. She likes long walks on the beach, watching the sunset and candlelit dinners with bros. So now, without further adieu, the first part of why Catholic School Girls Rock. Catholic School Girl Experience: We’ll start easy and have some word associations. Tell me the first word that comes to mind when you see the following:

  • Plaid Skirts- love

  • Abercrombie- cologne

  • Nuns - bitches

  • James Franco – YES

  • Softball – Kelly Mitchell

  • The Notebook-make-out

  • Is it true that you will automatically start pouring tears whenever Konstantine by Something Corporate starts playing?-Without a doubt!

  • What was the strangest name of any Sister that worked at Bay View?-Sister Viola. . She wore a wig and when she scratched it it would move side to side on her head. Sister Viola was also immortal, she still is the librarian and was the librarian for generations and generations of Bay Viewers, all of whom would probably answer that they had some type of encounter with her in which they ended up in detention. She was rumored to have a love affair with the biology teacher who kept photos of her on his classroom walls and would ask her on movie/ dinner dates in front of large groups of students. She also had a twin who would crawl around the school but nobody knew her name she was just always called “sr. viola’s twin.”

  • Are laxbros all they are cracked up to be?-YES… AND MORE

  • Do you feel that as a catholic school girl, you are holier than thou?-“We play then we pray”

  • When dancing with a young man, do you always make sure to ‘leave enough room for the holy spirit’?-As a catholic school girl you should NEVER leave room for the holy spirit. The only time it is okay to do so is if a)you are dancing with someone you don’t want to be dancing with and your friends forget don’t help you because they think it is funny, or if b)one of the Hendricken priests starts lurking around. In this case, however, a Catholic school girl can still decide not to leave room for the holy spirit because only the boy will get in trouble anyway.

  • Tell me about the best cat fight you ever witnessed during school.-Best, (and only) was two cheerleaders our senior year. Screaming, hair pulling, chair throwing. Eventually broken up by the theater director. It was so hood!

  • On average, how many times did you hear the word bitch on any given school day?-O0mmmG lykee so0o many times.

  • Is it true that girls enrolled at catholic all-girls schools do not care about make-up and appearance during the school day? Do you buy this rumor? Cause I don’t.-This is not a rumor, this is absolute fact. I went to Catholic school from grade 2 until grade 12 and could probably count the number of days I wore makeup to school on one hand. The only time a girl would ever wear makeup to school is on rare occasions or if the makeup was left over from the night before. Most girls wore their hair in the infamous “side bun” which is when you sort of just stack your hair on top of your head in a mess of tangles and it sort of slumps to the side by noon. This could usually be accessorized by a J.Crew headband or a colorful ribbon bow. Other options include braiding your hair to the side, French braids, and pony tails all which could conceal unwashed hair as showering is optional when you are a catholic school girl. The more like you look like you just rolled out of bed the cooler you look. For example, we often rolled into school sporting the above hairstyles, wrapped up in a Hendricken sweatshirt with a cut neck, too short/too small skirt, and ripped tights and/or slouching knee socks. The only acceptable footwear is Wallabees Minnetonka Moccassins, or Sperry Topsiders or perhaps a cute pair of ballet flats in the spring along with a stack of Angela Moore bracelets and an out-of-uniform pastel cardigan. All Catholic school girls own a pair of pearl earrings. Every morning a catholic school girls arrives with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee (even in winter) and is carrying enough bags to take on a small vacation (a North Face backpack, some sort of athletic bag with equipment, L.L.Bean monogrammed tote bag, Vera Bradley lunch box, Longchamp purse…)

  • You’re trapped in an elevator for a month. You can have any five items you wish with you. What are they- A cell phone to text mad cute boys, an AP [insert subject here] textbook to compulsively study, a supply of the cafeteria chocolate chip cookies, a Nicholas Sparks novel, and my lonchamp bag with all its contents.

  • Is Tina Fey an idol of yours?-No, but Taylor Swift is.

  • If things are getting steamy with a significant other, and the said male wants you to dress up as a catholic school girl, do you oblige him or smack the shit out of him?-Smack the shit out of him and act like a bitch for the next several hours.

  • Is there truth to the rumor that any male teacher at an all girls school is automatically deemed hot? Even if he isn’t all what he’s cracked up to be?-Eh, not true. There was one “regulation hottie” male teacher at Bay View, other than that no.

  • If offered a Bloody Mary for a choice of beverage, do you automatically accept?-mmmmm

  • Please state your favorite Pope-Pope Innocent the 3rd

  • When you were in middle school, did the store Hot Topic used to frighten you, or did you embrace it as a sense of rebellion?-Hot Topic STILL frightens me…

  • Have you ever dreamed about being a model for Polo or Hollister?-Well, when I worked at Hollister briefly my actual position was titled “model” even though I was not a model. All I did was stand there in a hollistery outfit (tank top, denim skirt, etc..) and stay things like “hey whats up!? You should try our Laguna skinny jeans!” while listening to pop emo bands and it got really boring. During this time I wish that instead I was a real model lounging in beach type settings with hotty beach babe surfer boys. So I guess, yes.

  • Are you any good at Croquet?-Croquet, cricket, archery, racquetball, polo, horseback riding, sailing….

  • If you could associate any rap song to your life, what would it be?-Teach me how to dougie

  • Did you have trouble picking out clothes for the first day of school in your freshman year of college after years of having it already picked out for you?-Yes, I had never needed to wake up early enough to leave time to shower, apply makeup, and / or choose an outfit. It took some time to integrate these things into my morning ritual, I often still struggle with it.

  • Say I’m on a date with a former catholic school girl. How can I win her heart on the first date?-Be Edward Cullen

  • Who is your dream husband, (dead or alive)?-TOM BRADY <3 <3 such a sexy bro.

  • How many pairs of Uggs, leggings, and northfaces do you own, respectively? Also, do you feel that this is a type of non-spoken dress code that all girl once they hit college adhere to?-Ummmm, I have 4 pairs of uggs all in the staple colors (black, chocolate, camel,) and some short pink uggs that I just wear around as slippers. As for Northfaces depends what type, I have a 2 different types of fleeces, a running sweatshirt, and a rain jacket / shell. Innumerable leggings. I wouldn’t say all girls adhere to this in college , (some bitches are rolling into class in boots with heels and skirts and whatnot…ew.) but I would say most ex-Catholic school girls adhere to variations of this as an unspoken dress code. Its just the way we were raised and we usually look really cute.

  • Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost?-HOLY SHIT!

  • Paper or plastic?-Tote bag

  • The Strokes or The White Stripes?-Dave Matthews Band

  • Should I keep my hair long or short?-KEEP THE FLO

  • *nsync or backstreet boys?-BSB always
  • Bros or hoes?-BROS, PLEASE :]

  • Finish the sentence: Jesus is… -sexy
My mind is boggled already. So many things I didn't know. Backstreet over *nsync? I would've lost money on that one. Also, Hot Topic is apparantly the Satan of mall stores to Catholic School girls, which can be somewhat expected. Not a fan of the Dave Matthews Band response since I hate him, but I should've seen this coming. As of now the best part to keep in mind gentlemen, is to be like Edward Cullen. This is a brief sample, but already the wheels are turning. I'd love to thank the lovely KP for participating. She's been a firm supporter in my blog, and it didn't take long to think of her when I narrowed down my list of three participants for this. Stay tuned later this week as more light shall be shed on this national phenomenon.

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