Wednesday, October 28, 2009

....To Pick You Up On Our Very First Date

Since I've created this blog, as you can imagine, I've been bombarded with e-mails from people who need help when it comes to girls. I don't get why they would come to me for help, but for all the lonely men who need some help with the opposite sex, I will provide you with stories about tips to help you gain your love.

Believe it or not, I was a loser until the 8th grade. Teachers didn't even know my name and people walked by me as if I blended in with the beige walls at Martin Middle School. I got rejected more times than Charlie Brown missed kicking that damn football. I was the last kid picked for all the pickup games during gym class. I was the kid who would get cut in the lunchline and then cut again in the snackbar line. I missed 4 days of the school in the 7th grade and still received a certificate for perfect attendance, because my homeroom teacher just didn't notice I wasn't there. I would then get made fun of for having perfect attendance. Basically I was like a less cool middle school version of McLovin. Then it all changed. I grew out my hair.

My hair is my favorite feature of myself, if that makes any sense. I have what most people call "the flow". One of my friends and fellow East Providence lacrosse teammates called it a "McFlowski". Growing out my hair was one of the greatest decisions I could have ever made. It was like somebody decided to put a fork and a spoon together to make the spork. It's just one of those decisions to never be challenged nor questioned. The summer before 8th grade I decided to simply not get a haircut, and the results paid off. The girls started to notice. Soon enough, I went from being the invisible man to The Fonz after the first week of 8th grade. Girls were coming up to me, running their fingers through my gorgeous locks, and that was when I just knew that I was onto something here. I still had my doubts however. I was nervous for my first school dance, but I gained some confience when I actually was asked to dance by a few young ladies whose names I have forgotten. With all the momentum in the world, it was all about to come to a great realization when a friend of mine asked me a question one day in May of 2004.

I grew up with Madeline Laliberte, and mostly knew her from the local pool club. She went to the all-girls school in East Providence called Bay View. For guys in East Providence from ages 11-13, Bay View was like a whole different planet. No one had ever been to Bay View, nevermind talked to girls there, it was even weird to talk about it. Guys would always talk about just skipping school and going to Bay View for the day, without even contemplating the fact that it would be pretty easy to get caught considering no boys were allowed, but dreams were still running rampant. Anyways, Maddie and I were at the Kimberly Ann Rock field in Rumford when Maddie asked if I wanted to go to a semi-formal dance with a friend of hers "who looked like Barbie". She told me that this girl saw a picture of me somewhere and said I was "cute", which had a HUGE meaning back in middle school. If you were cute, you had it made. After asking my Mom, I told her yes via AIM. Her friend was Meg Smith. Meg Smith will forever stand out in my mind as my first date.

I guess you could say that this was a blind-date, but I think blind-dance-date would be more appropriate. After a few weeks of chatting through AIM with my screename epzslimjim, it was official, I was going to go to a Bay View dance. All my new friends were so incredibly jealous. In the week leading up to the dance, I was a legend around Martin Middle School. I was like the Ferris Bueller of the school. I was so anxious. Granted I had never seen this girl, and only had the image of a Barbie doll to work with, but this was still exciting to me. Finally, Friday night came around, and it was showtime.

After learning that a corsage is a flower, I went and put on the nicest shirt I had, since it was semi-formal. I'm pretty sure if I owned that same shirt now and wore it, people would make fun of me, but at the time it was decent. I then anxiously waited for Meg to have her Mom pick me up. There I was, looking spiffy in my green button up shirt and khakis holding a corsage when the doorbell rang. I can honestly say that I was very nervous. I didn't know what was going to walk through my front door, but when my Mom opened it, my jaw dropped. Meg was by far the most beautiful 13 year old I had ever laid eyes on. All the girls in my middle school were somewhat hip/hop wannabes who looked up to three people: J.Lo, Britney Spears and Lil' Kim. Not to say they were horrible people or anything, but there wasn't anyone like Meg at my school. She was classy and tall and blonde and just stunningly beautiful. When I first saw her I could only think of doing this. I felt like I had won the lottery. After posing for some pictures in which I look very awkward, we were on the way. Oh, and for the record, I would most certainly post the picture on the blog if I had one, and if I do come across one, I'll post it.

The dance was a great time. They served food, I met a lot of Meg's friends who I don't remember, and I had made it into the Mecca of East Providence. I danced with the most beautiful girl I had seen in person, and at one point, some weirdo came by as we were slow dancing, took my hand and slapped Meg's rear end with it. Thankfully, Meg told me this girl was a weirdo and wasn't blaming me for it. I had the time of my life on my first date, and as her Mom drove us to the Newport Creamery for ice cream, I realized that this was the best first date anyone could possibly have.

I'm bringing up this first date mainly because Meg asked me to blog about it, but more importantly to help you, the reader. It goes to show that when it comes to dating girls, you have to start out somewhere, and this start is with your first date. Now I know this may not be the best example, because my first date was simply amazing and the best night ever. I'm not saying that you have to have a night nearly as good as mine, but just having a first date will help. The only other advice I have for you guys is to grow out the flow. Let your hair rage, make it look good, then let the ladies come to you. To be honest, growing out your hair is the only real advice I have for you, now that I think of it. I mean, I guess it's alright to be nice, chew with your mouth closed and show the lovely lady a great time, but the main point is to have a nice flow.

As for myself and Meg, we've remained friends throughout high school and here at Providence College. Each time I see her at a party or something I always bring up the greatest night of my life. So thank you Meg. Thank you for making my first date the greatest one in the history of mankind. You deserve this shoutout. As for relationships go, I've had some good ones, and one awful one which wasted almost 2 years of my life, but hey, you win some you lose some. So gentlemen who asked me for advice, all I can say is grow hair, be courteous, and aim to have a first date half as great as mine.

One other thing just to say, is next week I will FINALLY post Tom Silva's blog. This is filled with controversy and ungodly things. The conversations in this blog are just inhumane. I may regret actually posting it, but just place the blame on him. It will be one of the most corrupt, awful and sickening things you will ever read.

Welp, See ya later.

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