Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Pop Culture Smorgasbord: Ken I Get a Frickin' Bone Here?

What a time to be alive, you guys! Society here in the good ol U S of A has officially hit Twilight Zone levels of weird, between the presidential race (at this point it is more of a limp to the finish line than an actual race), jewel heists flooding headlines, clowns showing up in wooded areas...sweet Jesus, even fans of the Chicago Cubs are positive for once in their lives: this is weird. I figured I was overdue for a Pop-Culture Smorgasbord, which I guess is me ripping off SNL's Weekend Update, only with less pressure and less hilarity, so let's talk current events!

  • We need to start off with a big fat lie that the American people have been told for about a month now. It is insulting that such a lie can be spread on television and radio airwaves to misinform the general public. Some of us are not idiots, and have the capabilities to be skeptical and challenge facts, such as the statement that Kevin James' new sitcom 'Kevin Can Wait' is the #1 rated new comedy in America. Even if the numbers back up this statement, I just refuse to believe it. Kevin James isn't funny. He's an oafish (surprised I didn't get the spellcheck squiggly line under oafish) looking fella who seems to portray (badly) the average american man in their 40's. I'm just not buying it. I question whether or not Mr. James knows what comedic timing is. The funniest thing associated with him is that Leah Remini (good looking gal!) was cast to be his wife on King of Queen's and we were supposed to find that believable.  
    God, this is so awkward.
    All I know is that I heard a promo for Kevin Can Wait where Kevin was asked why his bedroom smelled like meatloaf, and he responded with "that's because of my new candle, it's meatloaf scented". This is America's #1 new comedy, yet Arrested Development was cancelled after just 2 and half seasons. Get your shit together, America.
  • Speaking of King of Queen's, I had no idea what it was about until a couple months ago. It then dawned on me that the show referred to Queen's as in the neighborhood in New York, and not that Kevin James was a ladies man, aka the King of Queen's, which I'm guessing was a thought that my 9 year old self had when the show first came out, and it never left my mind. That was a true Eureka moment for me. Also, if you haven't watched the Austin Powers movies since you were in your early teen's, give them another shot. A lot more will make sense. Realizing that the name Random Task was a parody of the classic James Bond villain Odd Job was another Eureka moment that made me want to pound my head through a wall for not figuring it out sooner.
    Inside look at yours truly upon realizing the Random Task joke.
  • Rihanna really annoys me. This whole Bad Girl RiRi personality is hard to believe from the person who gave us the song 'Umbrella' ella...ella...ellla....ellllllaaaaa. Hope that got stuck in your head. I'll give her credit for 'Disturbia' being a pretty catchy number, but besides that I just see her stringing along poor Drake, basically the Robert Smith of Hip Hop and I just feel bad for him. She ought to be more nice to a guy who was once needed a wheelchair to get around.
A true miracle.
  • Lindsay Lohan cut off part of her finger. While the story was puzzling and involved an anchor, I like to pretend that she got in trouble with the Yakuza, lost the finger and then got it back for surgery by promising to give them their money back, which will inevitably come from her plan to make Mean Girls 2. I know there was technically that TV sequel of Mean Girls, but I'm talking bringing back the whole crew, Tina Fey included. Lindsay can pay off the Yakuza, and the world can get more of what they need in 2016: Glen Coco references. 

  • While a Mean Girls 2 sequel would be a positive, Hollywood needs to do something about the abundance of remakes and unwarranted sequels coming out. I love Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, but do we really need him and Jack Black teaming up to remake 'Jumanji'? It feels like Hollywood thinks it may be cheaper to remake these movies than to convert the VHS tapes to Blu Ray. Between 'The Mummy' (oh man, remember Brendan Fraser? what the hell happened to him?) and 'The Goonies' being remade and the possibilities of Mrs. Doubtfire 2 and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure 3, Hollywood is either out of ideas, or just refusing to give new writers and ideas a shot. This is hitting historic heights of suck-itude. *Le Sigh* At least that long awaited Hey Arnold! movie sequel will finally happen and we can find out what the shit happened to Arnold's parents. 
  • While remakes and sequels suck, I will allow the idea of spin-offs. Every once in a while a solid spin-off can take place, you know like 'Saved By the Bell', 'The Colbert Report' and the 22 different forms of CSI. What we need is a spin off from Mad Men, since that is a show that is very deserving of one due to the plethora of amazing characters it gave the world. I'm thinking we get a show revolving around Sally Draper being the rebellious teenager she undoubtedly grows into during the 70's, and hopefully she makes a pitstop in Point Place, WI and hangs out with Foreman, Hyde and Fez for at least one episode.
    she would fit into the 'circle' so well! 
    I'd love a scene where Don Draper goes face to face with Kelso over asking Sally to the prom or something. This is pure gold potential.
  • I never discuss politics. Never have and never will. I keep it private because 1. I don't like conflict and 2. I like to keep people guessing. This being said, I cannot keep my silence anymore. Trump is a mess. All I can compare Trump to is Old Man Potter in "It's A Wonderful Life", the rich, crazy tycoon who wants to take over the world, just because he can. America is currently Bedford Falls, and America will turn into the bizzaro-world that is Potterville if he wins the election, or if good ol' George Bailey isn't saved by Clarence the Angel. Either way, God dammit. 
  • One final political prediction: Ken Bone will set the record for the most presidential write-in votes in US history. Strike while the iron is hot, Kenny Bone!
    Wow. The internet is great.
  • I like Lady GaGa and think she'll be a great choice for the Super Bowl halftime show. I also love the fact that she's doing a dive bar tour (sponsored, of course, by Bud Light). It would be pretty amazing to see one of the most unique artists out there play sketchy bars where grumpy old men hang by out of order jukeboxes. What's not cool is that I looked up the setlist of the first Lady GaGa dive bar show and it was a grand total of 4 whole songs. 4, all of which are new. I'd love a stripped down acoustic version of 'Just Dance', not some song that no one but GaGa herself knows the words to. Great idea, just kinda executed poorly. 
  • Instagram is my favorite social media platform. Snapchat is weird, Twitter can get tiring, and Facebook is now just people I don't talk to sharing videos that I will never, ever watch. I'm going to give you all a heads up and tell you to follow San Francisco Giants pitcher Johnny Cueto on the 'Gram. The man loves photoshop, posting multiple selfies in a 5 minute span, and horses. Here's just one sample that should get you hooked.
Solid gold.

  • Speaking of baseball, playoffs are here, which harkens back to the glory days where Duane Cook would tell the world that "THERE IS ONLY ONE OCTOBER!", which was nice to finally figure out with his help. I am tired of the Chicago Cubs fanbase. The Cubs haven't won a title since 1908, and every year when they lose and the season ends, their fans embrace the lovable loser attitude, which is just so Mid-West of them. Now, that they are having a nice playoff run, these lovable loser fans are sticking out their chests and talkin' trash like they already won it all. I like to watch the world burn, especially when it comes to overly optimistic people, so I cannot wait until something goes terribly wrong and the Cubs blow it, putting all these showboat Cubs fans back in their place of utter misery. The only good thing about the Cubs winning it all would be that Bill Murray can die happy, which he deserves. 

  • The Kim Kardashian Paris Jewel Heist is fascinating to me. Seems like a lot of holes in the whole story. Between the bodyguard not being there at the right time, the fact that there were no cameras on her for the first time in 14 years, the wide ranging estimates of the jewelry being stolen, all of it seems a bit fishy to me. The good news is that this upcoming season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians is gonna be a real thrilling Whodunnit? with twists and turns around every corner! I bet it was Kris Jenner, in the billiards room, with a candlestick. It only makes sense that the woman who capitalized on her daughter's sex tape would set up and inside job jewel heist. This is totally a joke though, guys, don't want to get sued by those pesky Kardashian gals, cause that's apparently already happening. 
Welp, and here we are. Times are tough these days, and this is just a snippet of reasons why. Between lovable losers, Trump, and Linsday Lohan probably dealing with the Yakuza, it feels like the world has been turned upside down. Hey, there's a song that kinda hits on that topic, so I'll leave you with that.

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