1. Kevin Youkilis- What’s the best way to get revenge on your old team, after becoming public enemy number 1 and accused of being the clubhouse ‘snitch’ by Josh Beckett when the story about the abundance of fried chicken and beer being consumed by our starting pitchers became public knowledge. Youk had this planned the whole time. Will Middlebrooks is gonna start over me? Well I’m gonna take that stupid, pathetic excuse for a mascot and do away with him. The Red Sox screwed over Youk, and this was his way of exacting revenge.
2. Curt Schilling- What better way to earn some cash to start paying back the state of Rhode Island for his crappy video game company going bankrupt than holding Wally the Green Monster for ransom at gunpoint? It’s a brilliant plan. Sneak into Fenway, start talking to Wally, then get some of his 38 Studios cronies to grab him and throw him in the back of a truck. I’m sure Schilling could have made this plan after watching a mixture of scenes from Taken, The Town and the hit tv show 24 in order to plot and pull it off flawlessly. Upon his capture, Schilling would hold him at gunpoint in a room somewhere in Boston, sending Mayor Menino a livefeed of his prisoner, and demand millions of dollars to make up for all the money he screwed the taxpayers of Rhode Island out of. Brilliant plan.
3. Bobby Valentine- My thought here is that he has been looking for ways to get himself fired instead of quitting, and this was a surefire way to get fired, only it backfired. He probably did it in this disguise as well:
4. Dave Roberts- I mean after all, he was pretty damn good at stealing bases. Am I right, Yankees fans? Dave Roberts, much like Cat Woman, made a name for himself by stealing things. Bored by stealing just bases and retirement, he decided to spice up his life by stealing a mascot, and who better than stupid Wally?
5. El Pres from Barstool Sports- Finally fed up with this team and giving himself the ability to get a huge scoop on the rest of the web and Boston media outlets, Dave Portnoy decided to take matters into his own hands and steal Wally. Keep reading bitches.
6. John Lackey- Just because I hate him more than anything on the planet. Nothing good has happened since we signed him. He has no soul. He would steal a mascot that only kids kinda like. What a dick.
7. Nomar Garciaparra- Always a cranky bastard. He always hated fun, and the media circus in Boston. He’s been away from Beantown for a few years now, so what better way to toy with the Boston media than to steal something as ridiculous and comical as Wally? He probably had Mia Hamm driving the getaway car.
8. Theo Epstein- Remember a few years ago when Theo was leaving the Sox to go save the world or something and he decided to evade the press by leaving Fenway in a Gorilla costume? My guess is that he’s done such a shitty job with the Chicago Cubs that he was planning on doing a similar thing leaving Wrigley Field, but his creative juice just isn’t flowing as well as it did a few years ago. Instead of a normal, nonbaseball-related costume, Theo went with the mascot of his former team, thinking it would be a good way to deflect attention from himself. Boy was he wrong. Hope he get’s someone good for Ryan Dempster or else he’s screwed.
9. Matt Damon- He was so pissed off that he wasn’t cast in The Town that he just had to take matters into his own hands. He channeled his inner Jason Bourne and singlehandedly made it into Fenway and captured Wally, with plans to throw him into the Charles River.
10. Wally Himself- It wasn’t so much a kidnapping as a cry for help. He walked out of Fenway on his own terms because even he, a cartoonish green monster with orange eyebrows and hailing from the wall in left field, can’t take this current Boston Red Sox team and how pathetic they are. Good job boys, you’ve been so lackluster and piss-poor that even Wally the Fucking Green Monster can’t watch you guys anymore. You all should be ashamed.
There you have it. One of these scenarios had to happen. My money is on John Lackey that asshole. Hopefully this Grand Theft Wally will turn things around for the Sox, but let’s face it, we suck this year.