Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Finally, The Rock Has Come Back...

In a shocking twist, The Rock warmed the hearts of millions on Valentine's day by making his unanticipated but very welcome return to the WWE. I was having a truly miserable day today, four classes, an exam, a quiz on z-tests and a social psych paper due, all after getting my heart broken on Monday by some ginger. Then I found out that the Rock was coming back to layeth the smacketh downeth on some candy asses, and everything just got better for me. Anyways, The Rock is back, maybe finally giving up on his movie career. As we all know, he was really famous back in the glory days of the WWF in the late 90's early 00's. If The Rock can come back to fame, I'm sure other stars who have fallen off the face of the planet can do it too. Therefore, I present my list of stars who should make a comeback:

Kel Mitchell- The other half of Keenan and Kel, who starred in shows during my childhood like All That and The Keenan and Kel Show (welcome to the Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger, Can I take your order?) We may never see such an Orange Soda enthusiast ever again. Anyways, Keenan is making it big on Saturday Night Live, but where is Kel? There was a rumor he was dead and then he was rapping in some Sprite commercial or some nonsense. I think he's gotta join SNL in the near future.

The Lawrence Brothers- Ahh yes, Joey, Matt and Andrew. From the great show Brotherly Love. After doing some strenous research via IMDB, it is apparent that combined, these three have starred in nothing important whatsoever since Matthew Lawrence was in Boy Meets World in 2000. These three were heartthrobs back in the day, so what happened? Andrew Lawrence, the youngest and dorkiest in my opinion is now 23, which is weird. Don't get me wrong, they got some jobs here and there, but they've been in nothing good at all for years. They should form a band or something. (big ups to Alyssa Rizzini)

MTV- Yeah I know it's still a channel, but considering all it does is show repeats of Teen Mom, Jersey Shore and Skins, it really isn't all that great. There are some rumors that they sometimes show music videos in the morning, but I don't buy it. It was called Music Television for a reason. If I wanted trashy tv I'd go watch Jerry Spring or something. Go play some damn music videos, and bring back Carson Daly while you're at it.

Rocket Power- Who decided to pull the plug on this show? Otto, Reggie, Twister and Squid was awesome back in the day. I really don't understand why this didn't last. Everyone has benefitted from one of Tito's age-old Hawaiian sayings. These kids could shred. One thing that always confused me was trying to figure out where they went snowboarding. I always figured it took place in California, like at the Santa Monica piers, but then the next episode they were shredding some serious powder and playing pond hockey.
Ferris Bueller- I wonder what the day after his day off was like.
The Guy From Star Trek but More Importantly Reading Rainbow- Just curious, how did he get that gig? Anyways, it was always mind blowing in the 2nd grade when he would pull out his trusty sunglasses thing while teaching us kids about adjectives in stories. By the way, I just found out the guys name is LeVar Burton. LeVar. While we're at it, I think the name LeVar should make a comeback. You know what I would like to see? LeVar Burton go on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I'm sure he'd have no problem with grades k-3, but after that he might have some problems. (shoutout to the beautiful Caroline Morgan for this suggestion)

Dennis Rodman- Another late 90's star Peter Forsberg made a triumphant return to play for the Avalanche a whopping two games before retiring again this past week, so why can't Rodman try that with the Bulls? Yeah he might have been on Celebrity Rehab for all his problems, but that doesn't mean he can't ball anymore. Like 90% of kids growing up in the 90's, I loved the Chicago Bulls, and Rodman always intrigued me back constantly dying his hair a new color each day. I suggest that Dennis sign a week long contract with the Bulls next time someone gets hurt and just relive his glory days. (shoutout to Timbo Bergeron for this solid suggestion).

*Nsync- I just don't understand how Justin Timberlake was the only one to make it big with a solo career. Actually on second thought, I can. Nevermind, they don't have to come back. (thank you Liz Wro for this wonderful suggestion, love you)

Michael Jackson- Is it just me or has he been sort of quiet lately?

OJ Simpson- I feel like he should be causing trouble somewhere. He's been sort of quiet also. I think he should've gotten an endorsement deal from Ford to help sell white Broncos. Afterall, I don't think anyone else has been made a mediocre car so famous. (thanks to Martha's Vineyards finest Ryan Brennan)

Eminem's Blonde hair- Maybe it's just me, but I sort of felt jipped by watching the Grammy's and seeing him perform sans blonde hair. He just looked like a miserable, pissed off white rapper from Detroit on stage as opposed to his glory days of being a miserable, pissed off white rapper from Detroit with blonde hair. Honestly Em, will the real slim shady please stand up?

Nirvana- They haven't been on tour in a while.

Wilmer Valderrama- He was kind of on top of the world at one point. He was the funny foreigner on That 70's Show, was dating Lindsay Lohan before she got all anorexic and became a felon, and even worse, a blonde. Then he had that Yo Mama show which was sometimes funny. I feel like he could be a good candidate for one of those shitty celebrity reality tv shows or actually going back to being a funny foreigner on a sitcom instead of trying to be taken seriously.

Tom Green- This man mortified my mother when I was younger, and with good reason. He really was a freak. He's sort of like the Jackass guys, famous for just being weird, immature and stupid and then getting some movie roles as the weird, immature and stupid friend, like in Road Trip. It's about time the Tom Green Show made a comeback and start a semi feud with Eminem again.

Carmen Sandiego- I'm gonna find you bitch.

The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson- How interesting would it be to see these two solving petty theft crimes at local malls while trying to score some coke and throw up their lunch all while wearing trashbags and random assortments of thread? That would be a hell of a show. Bring back Bob Saget and John Stamos and it would be a real party. Besides, I'm sure the twins could use a few jobs right?

Smash Mouth- seems like that summer where All Star was so damn popular wasn't that long ago, but let's put it this way. That song was on Now! 3. We are now on Now! 37. I actually feel old. I don't think Smash Mouth was all that bad until they started doing covers for certain Disney movies about a giant green ogre and an annoying donkey sidekick. After that they just stopped being cool. By the way, this track listing for Now! 3 is impressive, Limp Bizkit, Fastball, Fatboy Slim, R. Kelly, Enrique Iglesias and Lenny Kravitz were had a big year in 1999.

Steroids in Baseball- Chicks dig the long ball.

Lady Gaga's Shoulders and Face- I never really minded Lady Gaga since she's gotten famous. I can appreciate her wanting to be different and having her own style and whatnot, but I'm not gonna lie, ever since this 'Born This Way' image she has, she has been freaking me out. For some reason she's decided to have shoulder horns and these horns in her face. I'm really not sure what the point is. Every time I see her now it just freaks me out and I get nightmares about my shoulders looking like they belong as part of a picket fence. Bring back your normal shoulders and face Gaga, you weren't born this way.
There are endless possibilities for people who should be making comebacks, this is only a mere taste. Sorry if there were any good ones that you guys suggested to me that didn't make the cut, I still appreciate it nonetheless. Also I owe Diana Baumgardt for helping me out on some twitter contests. Anywho, keep on keepin on people.
Forever yours,


  1. Kirwan, you're a genius. Do me on top of a rainbow.

  2. Do me on top of a rainbow...with Jom

  3. Jim Kirwan sucks a mean dick

  4. I agree Jim is the biggest piece of shit he thinks hes awesome but hes not!

  5. Jim, you call yourself the man, I'm pretty sure that the man is a junior now, just saying.