Rebecca Black

Alright. This video may be painful, but it has to be dissected. This is Rebecca Black. The face of our generation. Please take a moment to watch this video. It's the worst 3:47 in the history of the world. It's so awful it's almost laughable. At one point in my life, myself, Kyle Towne, Tyler Blatchley and Tom Airozo formed a band called Jimmy K and the Eastside Boys. We would write shitty songs just to pass time. All three of the songs we wrote are at least 20x better than this, and this girl has a record deal. Like the host of Chez Louis restaurant tells Ferris Bueller, Cameron and Sloane, "I weep for the future". Let's get into everything wrong with the video first.

Opening Calender- Oh boy, looks like a busy week for Rebecca. Sunday is for studying in the Black household so she can be prepared for her big test monday on "how to make the whole world hate you through youtube". Looks like she got an A. Tuesday looks to be filled with more homework. I think she's bullshitting us by saying that Wednesday she has music practice. Yeah right. She has an essay due on Thursday, probably the homework she was doing on Tuesday, but that's just a rumor I heard. Now it's Friday. Let the 13 year old school girl shenanigans begin.

Morning Activities- My first thought is she's a fembot. Remember the opening scene in Austin Powers 2 when it turns out that Vanessa is a fembot? You know, her mouth starts moving to the wrong words and she does whatever the remote does before malfunctioning? I'm waiting for her to blow up. Also, she hasn't blinked. At all. "Gotta have my bowl. Gotta have cereal." At least she has her priorities in check. One question: what about your spoon? Did Bruno Mars write this?

The Car Fiasco- Okay, so let me get this straight. She claims "Gotta get down to the bus-stop. Gotta catch my bus" then proceeds to see her friends driving a car. First of all, these kids aren't wearing seatbelts. Secondly, even if you added up all 5 of these kids ages together, they would barely be able to legally drive. Next is possibly my favorite part of the video. Deciding in which seat to sit in. Well it appears she missed out on calling shotgun. So that rules out that. Also, Tiny Tim is driving, so it looks like she's screwed in the front row. She's gonna be stuck in the back, and since there is already two people in the back and she's the last one in, she automatically gets the middle seat. The fact that she still has to contemplate this, saying she has to make her mind up and repeat it numerous times in her single means that she A. is the most indecisive person in the world. I bet choosing which type of cereal she had this morning was just as difficult. B. is semi-retarded, since she needs to think about which seat to choose when there is one seat remaining, and C. a horrible, horrible person to think that this song will give her a future. Moving on, I am a huge fan of the girl in shotgun's awkward arm waving to the music. At this point, I'm wishing they hit a pothole or a speed bump and they all get sent flying out of the car and don't make it to the damn weekend.

Enthusiasm- The "yeah!'s" are some of the lamest in regards to hearing the words party, fun and weekend that I've ever heard. Again, this song reminds me of Austin Powers when Will Ferrel's character has to answer anything that is said three times. All I heard is "FRYYYDAY, FRYYYDAY FRYYYDAY", "FUN FUN FUN" "WE WE WE SO EXCITED". It's atrocious.

Learning- One thing this song has successfully done for me: teach me the weekend. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I still get my days confused. It blows my mind that this 13 year old wiz actually learned the days of the week before this 20 year old college kid could. Without you, Rebecca Black, I would've had no idea that if today is Friday, that means that yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes after that. I really wish you could've included Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday though, because I'm still having trouble figuring out where those days fall in the week. I'm starting to wonder if she's Canadien or soemthing.

The Mysterious Rapper- Who is this guy? It's gotta be Michael Strahan's brother or something right? Take away the gap tooth and it looks like him. Other possibilities: Flo Rida, the return of Chingy, Ice Cube, The Game, or Cuba Gooding Jr on a lot of steroids. Any street-cred that was previously earned should be returned to the hood after this appearance. Game over, please insert more credits.

The Party- Isn't this girl in middle school? How can she get friends to drive on a highway to a party? What are they going to do? Play Jenga all night and sip on root beer while wearing their favorite outfits from stores like Limited Too, Icing, and American Eagle? And are all these kids gathering to see this girl perform this song? I'm about to have a coniption just thinking about it.

Final Thoughts- FRYYYYDay. FRYYYYDay. Fun Fun Fun Fun. I don't want the weekend to come anymore. Let me get this straight, isn't autotune supposed to make songs better? All it did was make her sound like a robot. And you mean to tell me that this girl has a record deal? Really? Where the hell did I go so wrong in life to be less famous than this girl? Now I realize that she's only getting famous because of how awful this song and video is, but still. I'd rather be famous for being the son of the Unibomber than being famous for this song. I'm going to make a promise to you all, I will write a song about FRYYYday (whatever that is) that will be better and post it to youtube. If she can do it, anyone can. This is a sad, sad world. Thank you, Rebecca Black, for poisoning the world. You have given us 3 minutes and 47 seconds that we can never get back, and quite frankly would be better of doing anything. I would rather play in traffic for 3 minutes and 47 seconds than listen to this. You have successfully made me hate Justin Bieber a little less. You are the devil.

Sincerely,
Jimothy