Can You Wig It, Sucka?

Over the years, I've met a bunch of interesting people.  Sarah Pacitti is certainly one of those.  I first met her at a friend's graduation/birthday combo party (miss those days), and the first thing she said to me was "That's a lovely painting your Mom made for Andrew", before I had even gotten her name.  I was kinda creeped out by that, but at least I knew she was quirky and interesting.  Since then, I've learned that she is not bashful about asking for the pink colored starbursts if you have a bag of them on a bus trip to New York City, and she can do a pretty impressive Marcel The Shell impersonation.  She's easily one of the quirkiest and funniest people I know, and probably has the best chance of becoming famous out of anyone I currently know. 

Fast forward to today, I have a blog and she is making a series of videos on wearing one wig in twenty different ways.  She has entitled this series 1 Wig 20 Ways, which strangely makes sense.  This is the kind of stuff that should go viral.  You can keep your double rainbows, Charlie bit me's and cats playing keyboards, I'll take 1 Wig 20 Ways 24/7. I listened to Sarah's college radio show when she was in San Diego, and she gave this blog a shout out one time, so I was more than willing to return the favor and give her a shoutout regarding her wigs and her ways.  Therefore, check out her newest video, and then check out an in-depth interview with Sarah that I would like to call 1 Wig 20 Ways  20 Questions.  Enjoy it, and spread the word. 







1. Who is your favorite wigged person? 

My favorite wigged person would definitely have to be any old timey judge. I actually just asked Yahoo Answers why judges used to wear such elaborate wigs.  Duckyshe responded “to keep them warm,” while Terry T said “to make them look wise.” Who really knows, I guess we could spend hours splitting hairs over that one.

2. What was your inspiration for these wig videos?

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time making costumes for games I played with my sister, cousins and neighborhood friends. I usually focused more on putting together what I thought was a good character outfit rather than the game itself. It mattered a lot to me. In 5th grade, for a talent show, I wrote a sketch based on the hot show from our youth, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and I cast my friend Jackie as Regis. But I wanted it to look authentic, you know? Or at least as authentic as an elementary school girl playing the part of Regis Philbin can get. So I got a wig. I later used that same wig for my Judge Judy Halloween costume. I guess I’ve always been into wig culture.

The Face of the Justice.

3.Does it creep you out how many wig-related videos exist on youtube?  some of them seem pretty serious. 

It certainly does. As soon as I posted “1 Wig 20 Ways,” I started going through many wig-related videos. Since then,I gotta say, I’ve learned a lot about wigs. I used to just think you put a wig on the same way you put on a hat. Isn’t it just a hat covered in hair? How wrong I was. Wig fitting is a true art.

4. Any tips for anyone reading this on how they can successfully pull off wearing a wig? 

Make sure none of your own hair shows. You lose the wig magic that way. Maybe watch one of the hundreds of serious wig-fitting videos that are out there. Live as though it is your hair.

5.Can you easily tell if someone is wearing a wig in public?

Hard to say. Perhaps if someone is scratching his or head a great deal. They could just have an itchy head or be thinking extra hard, though. I like to assume everyone is always wearing a wig.

6.Are you worried you may become the next big youtube sensation, like Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black?

I’m not wigging out over it, no.

7.Is there any way for us to tell if the fame starts going to your head when these videos go viral? 

If my wig looks a lot bigger, then you’ll know I’ve gotten a big head.

8.Are you hoping to one day get sponsored by a wig company, similar to Team Pup n Suds in the hit Disney channel movie 'Brink'?

That would be great, but I fear for the future of wig companies ever since Tyra Banks slapped 10 different ones with a fat lawsuit back in October! I know Jim, I was shocked, too.

9. Why only 20 ways?

I thought 10 was just not enough and 30 seemed outrageous, so I went with 20. I only know how to count by tens, so…

10. Ever see the movie 'Psycho'?  They used a wig in that.

My personal favorite wig.

Yes! That wig alone was scarier than the rest of the movie. A lot of really great flicks have wigs in them, though. Mrs. Doubtfire, Pulp Fiction, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.The list goes on and on.

11. Will hipsters start wearing wigs, or are you squashing this opportunity for them by making them 'mainstream' with your videos?

I think I am only encouraging hipsters to find even more creative ways to use wigs without having to wear them on their heads.  For instance, they can start wearing them as ascots or scarves, using them as decorative pillows, or even just putting them on top of household appliances to give them more character. If anything, I like to think I’m just challenging them to become even more innovative.

12. Is there one type of wig that you absolutely need to get your hands on and make a video with?  You know, like a Holy Grail of wigs.  

I was Jerry Seinfeld for Halloween this year. I wore white sneakers, jeans and a light blue button-up. I thought it was perfect. The perfect generic outfit. In my mind, it was the best costume.  Then came time to find a wig. It was difficult. I ended up buying a mullet and cutting it into what I thought would do the job. It did not. Someone asked me if I was a “brunette Ellen DeGeneres.” Even when I played the theme song to Seinfeld as a hint, someone asked me, “Are you someone from Seinfeld?” It was a flop. I would love a Jerry Seinfeld wig.I think a Jerry Seinfeld wig is essentially just a generic man's hair style from the 90's? Even though it seems generic, it's impossible to find. That would be the Holy Grail.

13. What the hell is going on with the Boston Celtics this year?  Not looking good. 

Not good at all, Jim. Wonder how things would look for them if they were to ever get Andrew Wiggins.  (Editors Note: Well played, Sarah.  Well played.)

Can't spell Wiggins without wig

14. Where do you hope these videos lead you to?  Riches?  Fame?  A sugar daddy?

I like doing videos because it helps me workshop different characters. I invent them and then find the ones that I think work. So far, I’ve written a sketch about “Guy that uses holiday parties as a soap box.” I named him Kenneth.  Eventually, I want to be a bigwig (of wigs.)

15. Do you think it is sexist that you have not used any toupee's yet? 

No, here’s why. Funny enough, I often complain that my own bangs look a whole lot like a toupee when they are blown in the wind. They spike right up and I constantly have to push them down before I enter buildings. Since it’s been pretty windy lately, that happens all too frequently. As far as sexist goes, I play a lot of male characters, so I think I’m safe. Plus, toupees involve glue, and that seems too messy.

16. What wig would work best for me?  Be honest. 

I think you have a lot of potential options, but you have to let the wig find you. Try a blonde mullet, and a jet black bowl cut to start.

17. Do your friends and family worry that you'll give them a wig for every birthday and/or Christmas? 

Why…do you think… do you think they actually don’t like the gifts I’ve given them the last few years? Do you think that 1985 Cyndi Lauper inspired wig for my mom was too much?

Wigs, they wanna have fun.

18. How sure can we be that your hair is actually real? 

Just think of it as the wig I was born in.

19.Have you talked to Kristen Wiig about doing a collaboration video?

I see what you did there. I would get too starstruck, though.

20.Finish the sentence: “A world without wigs is...

...a head without hair, probably a little colder.”

Saturday: It Comes After Friday

Joe Dimaggio once said "They can boo as loud as they can cheer", which can be a suitable quote for many situations regarding fame.  One situation resulting in fame where it didn't quite make as much sense was when Rebecca Black disgraced us all with the release of her track 'Friday'.  The boo's outweighed the cheers by a lot, and with good reason.  Her song was catchy in the 'why-is-this-in-my-head-oh-my-god-get-it-out' way, which is never good. On top of that, the video for the song just added insult to injury. Nickelback could make a video making fun of the whole concept of music videos, and it still wouldn't get as much hate as 'Friday' did. Recently, one of my dearest friends (also Cranston, RI's finest)  Erin Murtagh brought to my attention that a sequel has been made to 'Friday', surprisingly entitled 'Saturday'.  When I first blogged about 'Friday' two years ago, my mom once told me to "stop picking on the poor girl".  I then played the song to her and she said "never mind, go for it".  'Saturday' may be even worse.  Rebecca Black is bringing this upon herself, stretching her 15 minutes of fame into 20 minutes.  No one should feel bad anymore, because she went through the grief and embarrassment of Friday, and still decided to make 'Saturday'.  There will be no feeling sorry for you, Rebecca.  

• :05 "This is my jam, where's the peanut butter?".  It took less than 5 seconds for me to hate this song for life. This is like a terrible inside joke that 8th grade girls have between themselves before getting to high school and hating each other.  Good to see she is still a lyrical genius. 
• :07 "2 pm, getting' out of my bed"- okay, I can agree with the lifestyle of waking up on a Saturday at 2 pm.  We finally agree on something. 
• Looks like quite the rager they had last night.  'Friday' came out about 2 years ago, when she was like 13 right?  So she's around 15 now?  Maybe?  Basically she has gone from underage driving in the 'Friday' video to underage drinking in 'Saturday'.  What will come first, Rebecca, college or rehab?
• 0:18 Definitely writing 'Fun Fun Fun' on my passed out friends with a sharpie the next time it happens.  Can't get much lower than waking up with a lyric from 'Friday' written in permanent marker on your face.  That sort of thing can sober a man up real quick.  
• 0:27 Who is she to steal another man's cereal?  That kid from now on can say "Rebecca Black hijacked my Frosted Flakes in the video for 'Saturday'. Also, what is the kid on the cell phone cooking back there?  Looks like he melted chocolate to see what would happen or something. 
• :54  Yay!  Interpretive hand dancing!!!
• 1:08-1:13 "Just gotta find my…pants".  This kid could have a starring comedy role on a Disney channel show with a comedic wit like that. 
• Thinking about it now, if this song doesn't kill EDM, I don't think anything will. 
• 1:14 Wait, a guest vocalist on her track, but it's not the creepy black guy from 'Friday'?  Mind=blown.  Seems like a kid who just became edgy and upgraded form Hollister to PacSun.  This kid is the combination of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button mixed with the frontman from Cobra Starship.  
• "Want you here right next to me"  Really.  Really?  Of all the people in the world to help your own music career blossom, you want Rebecca Black to be the person next to you?  Calling bullshit on that one.
• 1:19 if you pause it just right, what the hell is with all the signs for toe rings?  Are toe rings coming back in style?  I hope not.  Then again, a toe ring comeback would be killed off very quickly after being shown in a Rebecca Black video. 
• 1:30 "Hey, we need some pyro in this video, what does our budget look like?" "Well, we can afford, like, a mini smoke bomb from the ice cream truck down the street, and a couple of sparklers that I have in my kitchen drawer from last July 4th." "Sounds good." 
• 1:37 "Cause this is our song, we can do no wrong" this lyric may also be true, because after 'Friday', there is nothing else possible you can do more wrong.  This is close though.  
• 1:45  Sunglasses at night?  Come on.  Already been done.  80's legend Cory Hart would sue for getting ripped off, but he doesn't want to be associated with this song. 

"Hey that totally ripped off my song...actually nvm don't care."

• Apparently my invite was lost in the mail and/or cyberspace for this sweet rager.
• 2:11  Good to see Barney the Dinosaur's sidekick Baby Bop (spelling?) make a comeback.  Poor girl is probably wishing for a 2nd ice age after seeing this video go viral.  

Back from the dead!

• 2:16 Who plays poker in the middle of a raging house party?  
• 2:20  There he is.  The token black hipster friend who can dance. 
• 2:33 So, everyone is dressed normally for the party, but Santa with blue hair and a Hawaiian tourist show up?  The plot for this video needs some work. 
• 2:42 MILEY CYRUS LOOKALIKE HOLY SHIT!!!!!  POP DIVA SHOWDOWN!!!!! Seriously though, can Rebecca Black and Miley Cyrus fight to death and just get it over with/contribute to society?
• 3:02 Hey, I think I know that guy: 

Thought he looked familiar. 

• 3:14 Nice 'Risky Business' costume.  This is probably the most popular college Halloween costume that groups of freshmen girls wear, without ever seeing the actual movie.  Were these kids even born when 'Risky Business' came out?  Wait, was I even born when 'Risky Business' came out? 
• 3:43 So you're telling me that a cop arrests a kid and still allows himself and the alleged perpetrator to be dragged into a party?  What's with the perp saying Rebecca's name?  Is he a stalker?  Maybe a hired hit man attempting to take her out?  Is he a Kanye West impersonator?  That last question was actually serious.  
• 3:49 "Hey how do we end this video?"  "Let's have the cop call the kid 'Junior'" "Okay."

Well now.  That sucked.  

A Terrible Trifecta

The internet is a wonderful thing 99% of the time.  This being said, that 1% of not-so wonderful material can get pretty brutal.  Much of this 1% comes from youtube music videos.  Some are hits, and some are misses.  For every ‘Call Me Maybe’ there is a ‘Friday’.  It seems  not so long ago that the world was exposed to Rebecca Black’s smash hit (?) ‘Friday’, bringing shame to the world of music, and gaining that talentless brat popularity for essentially sucking.  Why was ‘Friday’ so bad?  It was the lyrics.  And the video.  The video sucked.  So much nonsense was involved that it could puzzle even the brightest of minds.  At one point, I think we all said that nothing could top Ms. Black and her poor excuse for what she calls music.  We were wrong.  Two videos surfaced this week which are just as bad as ‘Friday’.  What we have on our hands here is a Bermuda Triangle of awful youtube music stars.  All young, middle school aged girls, all with a random appearance of a rapper out of nowhere, and all with lyrics that make Taylor Swift look like a creative genius.  Before showing these and dissecting them, special thanks to Fairfield’s Finest Maggie Nolin, and Annik ‘Nacho Mama’s ‘ Spencer for showing these to me.  Upon thinking about it, I’m not sure if I should be thanking you two or blaming you two for pain, but we’ll just go with thanks for now.  After reading this, please vote on the poll on the right side of the screen for which video is indeed the worst, so we can settle this score once and for all. 

First up: Nicole Westbrook – It’s Thanksgiving

 

Right off the bat, way too many whoa oh oh’s for my liking. 

What? No parental supervision for these parties?  Everybody get your drugs ready.

My birthday is July 4^th, and it’s pretty sweet.  Never have I wished my birthday was on a different day until hearing it referenced in this video. 

Once again, the ‘Ay!’ in between naming various foods are just useless.  Doesn’t do anything to help.

How creepy is it at 1:46 when the dude from the ‘Friday’ video pops out of nowhere?  Gotta say that this song makes a lot more sense when he does show up out of nowhere. 

That death stare at 2:17 that Nicole Westbrook gives that poor bastard who brought cranberry sauce instead of mashed potatoes is surreal.  Very reminiscent of the look my mother gave me when I broke the news that I was going to PC instead of URI.    

I’m actually a big fan of this turkey costume.  You just don’t see enough of those anymore.  Gives the video an easy-going vibe. 

The freestyle portion of the song really ties it all together in my personal opinion. 

The turkey drumstick being utilized as a microphone gets Nicole Westbrook a whopping 0 style points. 

I’m all for the token black dude showing up at a party and stuff, but does the token black dude in this video have to not only show up, but hang out with kids who are 30 years younger than him? I can understand if he were the babysitter or something, but this is just creepy. 

I love how this video starts off as a song about giving thanks, quickly turns into a lesson on what month holidays fall into, and finishing up into Nicole Westbrook basically reading off of a menu.

What about St. Patrick’s day? Valentine’s Day? Armistice Day?  Flag Day? 

“Can’t be Hateful Gotta Be Grateful, gotta be grateful can’t be hateful” is officially the worst line in the history of song and dance. 

Every Woman’s studies class will have a field day dissecting this for years to come.  I mean talk about gender stereotyping.  We have a young girl cooking in the kitchen while the menfolk just show up with cranberry sauce instead of the mashed potatoes like he was told.  Men aren’t good for anything, am I right!?

It may be a music video staple to have smoking hot scantily clad babes making the singer look like the man (except you, Ricky Martin!  You sly dog), but having a 12 year old girl on a bed is just kinda weird.

Finally, as some of you probably noticed, that black dude in this video is indeed the same guy from Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ video.  He’s really 2-2 in his songwriting thus far.  It takes great skill and talent to create the worst video in the world, and then make an even worse one about a year later.  How is that even possible?  Right now I’m trying to compare this feat to something else that has happened in history, but I really can’t.  I give up. 

Video #2. Jenna Rose- My Jeans ft. Baby Triggy

 

Immediate thought prior to watching the video- Baby Triggy?  I mean Lil Bow Wow and Lil Romeo were bad enough names for those youngins who thought they could spit fire, but Baby Triggy?  Ugh.  It sounds like a terrible nickname that a mathematics teacher would give for Trigonometry in order for it to sound appealing. 

You know you’re in trouble when the three celebrities who wear the same jeans as you are Hannah Montana, Ashley Tisdale and Kiki Palmer.  Who the hell is Kiki palmer? This being said, why is Jenna Rose excited about this?  Ashley Tisdale hasn’t done anything since she graduated that High School Musical place, Hannah Montana is a fictional character, and google isn’t helping me find out who Kiki Palmer is.  She get’s no credit for name dropping here.

I actually do like the Heelys shout out at 1:19, even if I thought they went out of business many years ago. 

Serious question, is she singing, rapping, or just reading really fast?   I really can’t tell.

I love the ‘Art’ artwork on her bedroom closet door. Example at 0:30

Pause the video at about  0:37 and ½ (as she’s saying ‘Palmer’).  Now look at the picture below.

 

Do we really have to go through the driving-a-car-way-too-young thing again?

The real crime here?  Jenna Rose’s plaid fedora.

Call me crazy, but I’m not seeing too many jeans here in this video so far. 

Has Jenna Rose ever thought that maybe she’s wearing jeans like other people, as opposed to all these people wearing jeans like her?  I mean I wear jeans every day but I don’t think about her when I throw them on every morning.

Ah.  Nothing says successful rapper like a white bucket hat that would make Gilligan proud. 

That ‘Hahaha Jack My Swag’ line at 2:24 is straight fire. 

The fact that Baby Triggy had to drop the line “What? Trig bought a new blackberry, What?” three times really sums up the lyrical genius of this song.   

Referencing the Black Eyed Peas in any song is never a good thing, no matter how much of an established star you are.

The jeans that Ms. Rose settles on aren’t very easy on the eyes.  Rhinestones?  Where did she buy those?  Claire’s?  What is she? 13?  Ah dammit she actually is 13. 

Again with the lack of adult supervision.  If her parents were around we wouldn’t have to worry about these teeny boppers having a party and singing about jeans in Jenna’s bedroom. 

…This song would be produced by Lunchbox Recordz.

What is she looking upward at?  It certainly can’t be a bright future.   

Again, way too many oh whoa oh whoaaa’s for my liking.

1:07 I’m really tempted to get Rhode Island license plate that says Jenna Rose.  It’s a shame that the New York one is already taken. 

Is this Sarah Silverman’s daughter on drugs? 

 

I am a firm believer that I would get similar reactions from MY friends when I show them the rhinestone encrusted jeans that I purchased recently. 

I honestly think I have more street cred than Baby Triggy.

3:21- It appear that none of these girls have the potential to become America’s Next Top Model if this is how they move on the catwalk.   

Where does this leave us?

If you remember, Rebecca Black was the victim of much bullying and name-calling and teasing.  Boohoo.  Are we supposed to feel bad for you, Rebecca?  No.  All of that stuff would never have happened if you didn’t suck.  Plain and simple.  Joe Dimaggio once said “They can boo as loud as they can cheer”, but let’s face it, they will boo louder if you suck.  Now we arrive at this Triple Crown of Sucking courtesy of youtube.  ‘It’s Thanksgiving’ Vs. ‘My Jeans’ Vs. ‘Friday’ in a triple threat match where no one wins.  I honestly am not one to judge which song is the worst, so go ahead and vote on the poll on the top right hand side of the page.  Feel free to leave comments below and give me more links of awful youtube sensations.

Satan Strikes Back

Just as everybody was getting over that terrible cold-in-song-form that just wouldn't go away entitled "Friday", Rebecca Black has returned with a new single called Person of Interest. Person of Interest eh? The person who I'm interested in right now is whoever gave the greenlight for Ms. Black to get another single. Shockingly, this song sucks. How can Rebecca Black do this to herself? Didn't she learn her lesson that she might not have the greatest voice, even with the help of technology and digital enhancement these days? Didn't she go through enough problems and hatred with the aftermath of Friday? Wouldn't she think if she got a second chance, to make a good song before releasing it? Have America's education systems failed us where Rebecca Black has to sing (kind of ) such simplistic lines as "When I talk, you listen, I like that/ When you listen, you smile and I like that/ Why you lookin', lookin', at me just like that?/ I like that, I like that,". Rebecca Black might be the reason other countries in the world hate us. Its people like her, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton that make people wonder where they went so wrong in life in a world where these idiots are famous.

Time to break down the music video itself. Right off the bat, Rebecca Black is Godawful at skee ball. I mean granted I guess after all the bullying and teasing she went through, Rebecca Black probably hasn't been hitting up the local arcades and boardwalks as much as she used to. Next up is the Justin Bieber lookalike in the hollister shirt. Is he shorter than Rebecca? Also, dude, you aren't looking too badass by doing the 'dirt off your shoulder' move as evidenced at the 39 second mark. It's not 2003 anymore. Oh, and really Bieber, you get all those tickets and the best thing you get your girl is a half chocolate-half strawberry colored teddy bear? Sure, arcade prizes aren't great, but chocolate and strawberry? Everyone likes vanilla and chocolate the most out of the 3 Neopolitan ice cream flavors.

I'd also like to point out at the 1:52 point how typical girls are post-picture taking. The face that Rebecca Black makes is something us guys have seen numerous times over the years. You know what I'm talking about, take a picture, the girls look at it and immediately say how gross they look and need to take another three pictures of the same shot. Get over it. You don't look any different from 18 seconds ago. Also in regard to the photobooth part, the Bieber lookalike did do a nice job photobombing that booth at the 1:49 mark, even if he does look like a lesbian with that haircut.

I would also like to point out that Rebecca Black seems to be wasting the time of a police officer all throughout this video. If you get in trouble for prank calling 911, shouldn't you get in trouble talking to a cop about a missing person who really isn't missing, as evidenced at the end of the video where Becky Black and Biebz walk away together after the cop drew that lovely caricature of the two of them, even without knowing what the guy looked like. By the way, isn't it a bit over the top for police to use crime scene tape at an arcade over a 14 year old who got separated from a girl? Lord knows at 14 I was avoiding some girls who were looking for me at the Seekonk Grand Prix back in the day.

Now on to the go-kart portion of the video. Unlike in the "Friday" video, go-karts are an actual form of automobile legal for a 14 year old to drive, which is a nice change on her part. Also, girl at the 2:11 mark, I see you rocking out with your makeshift mini-golf putter-guitar. How long did these girls spend at the this arcade place? I got bored at these places after a few hours, and these kids are still playing mini golf well into the black of the night. Thanks for making me cringe due to the corniness you displayed with that. It's also nice that Gwen Stefani's Harajuku Girls came out of retirement to let Rebecca Black get on stage to let her rock out with them. That's a good career move. Love Angel Music Baby indeed. Needless to say, Rebecca Black has done it again and made the world a more gray and depressing place to live.

On a final note, I've decided to bring back the Catholic School Girls Rock Experiment, but this time I need non-Rhode Island school girls. Therefore, if you went to a Catholic All-Girls school and if you think you're interesting and funny, let me know via facebook, twitter, myspace (just kidding, sort of, yeah I am) or in the comment section below. Like last time, it'll be a survey for you to fill out and hopefully get creative with. Lastly, thank you to Maggie Nolin, Fairfield's Finest, for giving me the heads up about this gem of a song.

Try not to get Person of Interest stuck in your head.
-Jimothy

Whodunnit?

May 1st was an interesting day for America. I will forever remember being down the hall with Sam New, Nicole Eslinger, Erin Dooly, Kathleen Benacci and Lauren Hartigan when my main girl (and Barrington's finest) Jenna Borkoski came in and said to change the channel to the news because bin Laden is dead. It was strange hearing the news because it was almost as shocking as 9/11, I'll always remember being in the 6th grade in Mrs. Burns class. They waited to tell the 6th graders until the end of the day, but we all knew something weird was going on by the way the teachers were acting and the fact that all the 7th and 8th graders were watching TV. Of course, the Providence College campus celebrated the fact that this bastard was finally killed, and although it does't make up for the lost lives of 9/11, it's somewhat reassuring that some justice was served. It was nice seeing PC start up the U-S-A! chants and people carrying flags all over the place running around. Some people are upset that people are rejoicing over death, and I can see that to some extent, but the fact that it's bin Laden should override that. Would these people say the same about Hitler's death? Doubt it. So anyways, I started to wonder who exactly it was who killed bin Laden, so why not make up a Top 10 list of possible candidates!

10. Dick Cheney- Look, it may be a long shot here, but perhaps ol' Dicky boy was overseas hunting for rabbits, or whatever it was he was shooting at when he accidently shot that other guy in the face, and happened to kill Osama. Can't anyone else see Cheney, heart condition and all, hunting for quail in the desert, stumble upon some compound in the suburbs, see a squirrel and miss so badly that he shot a man who just so happened to be Osama? I mean the fact that he accidently shot another man is a weird enough story, so why couldn't it happen in this scenario?

9. Waldo- Pure jealousy is the motive here. For the past decade or so, everyone has been trying to find Osama. People simply gave up looking for our buddy Waldo because they focused so much time in caves looking for that prick with that scraggely facial hair. You gotta believe that Waldo either beat the piss out of him with that walking stick he constantly is carrying, or strangled him with the strap for his pair of binoculars. Sure there are reports that bin Laden was killed after being shot in his left eye, but maybe Waldo just made it seem that way. He could've done the deed, then shoot him in his eye after he was already dead to make it seem like he wasn't involved. I can expect sales in the Where's Waldo? book franchise to consistantly grow in the near future now that he is the #1 man on the run.

8. Charlie Sheen- What better way to put use to that machete he was swinging on the top of hotels than to take out bin Laden. He is full of tiger's blood which as we all know turns normal men into warlocks, so he probably got a rush and went over to Pakistan by himself on a mission. It may also be a desperate attempt to win back his role on Two-and-a-Half Men. I'd give it to him if this was infact what happened.

7. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Cast- They really have fallen out of the spotlight, so they had to make a comeback somehow. I can see them showing up to the compound all fruity and fabulous and just freaking out bin Laden's crew. Their mission was simple enough: to change Osama's wardrobe and hairstyle. All they wanted to do was give him a new black turban instead of the white turban that was so last season and throw some sequins embroidery on his dull and tame army jacket. They couldn't take no for an answer and finally got so mad at stubborn Osama that they killed him. Plain and simple.

6. Dos Equis Most Interesing Man- He's the coolest guy ever. He constantly does things that most men cannot do, so can we really overlook the possibility that he killed Osama? He probably shot him with a crossbow through his left eye, then cracked open a bottle of Dos Equis by using the empty eye socket as a bottle opener. It would also be perfect for the next commercial "He single-handedly killed Osama bin Laden, He can count to infinity...backwards, The sun watches him set". Perfect marketing campaign for the next commercial.

5. Rebecca Black- Ms. Black just couldn't let her spotlight run out on her just yet. She felt so bad about disgracing America with 'Friday' that she figured she had to make up for it in order to feel good about herself. She infiltrated the compound by playing 'Friday' on repeat on a boombox, forcing anyone in her path to run in fear, leading her directly to Osama where she took out a shotgun and blew his brains out. End of story. We know what she does on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and now we know that Monday through Wednesday she takes out terrorists one by one. Can't blame her for gettin down on Fridays anymore. (shoutout to Kevin Tavares for the suggestion).

4. Hulk Hogan- The Hulkster loves America. His theme song back in the glory days of the WWF was entitled "Real American". After being tired with Vince McMahon's antics, what better way to start a comeback than by taking out America's sworn enemy. He's fought the likes of The Rock, The Undertaker, Sgt. Slaughter, Randy Savage, The Ultimate Warrior and even Mr. T, so Osama was obviously the next person on his list. He's had a rough year since his wife left him for a 15 year old, his son killed a man while drag racing, and his daughter slowly turned into a man, so it's about time Hulk regained some respect for himself. I just wish this was saved for Wrestlemania.

3. Jason Bourne- It's a strong possibility that Jason here could've done the job, but there is one small problem: he's not being played by Matt Damon in the next movie. This is holding Jason from being the #2 or even the #1 spot on this list. Jason Bourne is very badass and he has the military background to pull it off, although I think it's fair to say that he spends more time in Europe kicking the shit out of people, so maybe he isn't used to the desert conditions.

2. Michael Myers- You can't stop Mikey Myers. Just can't. Like bin Laden for so many years, Michael always got away from the authorities, even when everyone thought he was dead for good. I can picture Michael Myers just walking to the compound, taking bullet after bullet to the chest and just keep on truckin' like we've all seen in the 62+ movies in that series. It's about time he killed someone meaningful instead of Jamie Lynn Curtis.

1. Jack Bauer- This has to be the most logical explanation. Why else would Fox cancel 24 after 8 seasons of being one of the top rated television shows in history? Jack was on a mission so important that it could not risk being filmed. Jack Bauer is the only person I know to have such a superior background and the guts to do this. Jack loves Amercia and would do anything to make this world a better place. I mean killing Osama does seem like a tricky task to pull off, but honestly I've seen Jack get himself out of tougher situations and pull off the impossible. For all we know Osama had Kim Bauer captive or was plotting a nuclear attack on America. I know that if I were in charge of the country, Jack Bauer would certainly be the first person I'd want leading the manhunt.

Rebecca Black

Alright. This video may be painful, but it has to be dissected. This is Rebecca Black. The face of our generation. Please take a moment to watch this video. It's the worst 3:47 in the history of the world. It's so awful it's almost laughable. At one point in my life, myself, Kyle Towne, Tyler Blatchley and Tom Airozo formed a band called Jimmy K and the Eastside Boys. We would write shitty songs just to pass time. All three of the songs we wrote are at least 20x better than this, and this girl has a record deal. Like the host of Chez Louis restaurant tells Ferris Bueller, Cameron and Sloane, "I weep for the future". Let's get into everything wrong with the video first.

Opening Calender- Oh boy, looks like a busy week for Rebecca. Sunday is for studying in the Black household so she can be prepared for her big test monday on "how to make the whole world hate you through youtube". Looks like she got an A. Tuesday looks to be filled with more homework. I think she's bullshitting us by saying that Wednesday she has music practice. Yeah right. She has an essay due on Thursday, probably the homework she was doing on Tuesday, but that's just a rumor I heard. Now it's Friday. Let the 13 year old school girl shenanigans begin.

Morning Activities- My first thought is she's a fembot. Remember the opening scene in Austin Powers 2 when it turns out that Vanessa is a fembot? You know, her mouth starts moving to the wrong words and she does whatever the remote does before malfunctioning? I'm waiting for her to blow up. Also, she hasn't blinked. At all. "Gotta have my bowl. Gotta have cereal." At least she has her priorities in check. One question: what about your spoon? Did Bruno Mars write this?

The Car Fiasco- Okay, so let me get this straight. She claims "Gotta get down to the bus-stop. Gotta catch my bus" then proceeds to see her friends driving a car. First of all, these kids aren't wearing seatbelts. Secondly, even if you added up all 5 of these kids ages together, they would barely be able to legally drive. Next is possibly my favorite part of the video. Deciding in which seat to sit in. Well it appears she missed out on calling shotgun. So that rules out that. Also, Tiny Tim is driving, so it looks like she's screwed in the front row. She's gonna be stuck in the back, and since there is already two people in the back and she's the last one in, she automatically gets the middle seat. The fact that she still has to contemplate this, saying she has to make her mind up and repeat it numerous times in her single means that she A. is the most indecisive person in the world. I bet choosing which type of cereal she had this morning was just as difficult. B. is semi-retarded, since she needs to think about which seat to choose when there is one seat remaining, and C. a horrible, horrible person to think that this song will give her a future. Moving on, I am a huge fan of the girl in shotgun's awkward arm waving to the music. At this point, I'm wishing they hit a pothole or a speed bump and they all get sent flying out of the car and don't make it to the damn weekend.

Enthusiasm- The "yeah!'s" are some of the lamest in regards to hearing the words party, fun and weekend that I've ever heard. Again, this song reminds me of Austin Powers when Will Ferrel's character has to answer anything that is said three times. All I heard is "FRYYYDAY, FRYYYDAY FRYYYDAY", "FUN FUN FUN" "WE WE WE SO EXCITED". It's atrocious.

Learning- One thing this song has successfully done for me: teach me the weekend. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I still get my days confused. It blows my mind that this 13 year old wiz actually learned the days of the week before this 20 year old college kid could. Without you, Rebecca Black, I would've had no idea that if today is Friday, that means that yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes after that. I really wish you could've included Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday though, because I'm still having trouble figuring out where those days fall in the week. I'm starting to wonder if she's Canadien or soemthing.

The Mysterious Rapper- Who is this guy? It's gotta be Michael Strahan's brother or something right? Take away the gap tooth and it looks like him. Other possibilities: Flo Rida, the return of Chingy, Ice Cube, The Game, or Cuba Gooding Jr on a lot of steroids. Any street-cred that was previously earned should be returned to the hood after this appearance. Game over, please insert more credits.

The Party- Isn't this girl in middle school? How can she get friends to drive on a highway to a party? What are they going to do? Play Jenga all night and sip on root beer while wearing their favorite outfits from stores like Limited Too, Icing, and American Eagle? And are all these kids gathering to see this girl perform this song? I'm about to have a coniption just thinking about it.

Final Thoughts- FRYYYYDay. FRYYYYDay. Fun Fun Fun Fun. I don't want the weekend to come anymore. Let me get this straight, isn't autotune supposed to make songs better? All it did was make her sound like a robot. And you mean to tell me that this girl has a record deal? Really? Where the hell did I go so wrong in life to be less famous than this girl? Now I realize that she's only getting famous because of how awful this song and video is, but still. I'd rather be famous for being the son of the Unibomber than being famous for this song. I'm going to make a promise to you all, I will write a song about FRYYYday (whatever that is) that will be better and post it to youtube. If she can do it, anyone can. This is a sad, sad world. Thank you, Rebecca Black, for poisoning the world. You have given us 3 minutes and 47 seconds that we can never get back, and quite frankly would be better of doing anything. I would rather play in traffic for 3 minutes and 47 seconds than listen to this. You have successfully made me hate Justin Bieber a little less. You are the devil.

Sincerely,
Jimothy