Celebrity Smackdown: Kim K SuperStar vs. Taylor "Meh" Swift

I was not intending to write this blog until this morning. This is more of an emergency blog which I had to write. Strike while the iron is hot right? When big pop culture news occurs, I just got to get involved. I'll still have the Ultimate Karaoke Blog coming up this week but for now, let's talk about something unimportant.

This past week was a rough one for America's sweetheart/victim Taylor Swift. If you haven't heard, which I think is impossible because it's been all over the place even though there are some much more pressing matters going on in the world, Taylor Swift got put on blast by America's favorite Star Without a Talent Kim Kardashian. Basically Kanye West called T. Swifty for permission to use her name in a song that Taylor Swift later claimed she never did and that she was a victim once again. Once the video of the conversation, posted on Snapchat of all things, hit the interwebs, people everywhere realized that Taylor Swift is just a liar. I knew she was trouble when she walked in.

My feelings about this are very mixed.

YAAAAS Let the games begin!!!!!

If you were to ask me who I hate more between Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian, I'd have to ask for a week to ponder it, which would result in many sleepless nights and a lot of stress. It boggles my mind that Kim Kardashian is famous for being the daughter of OJ Simpson's 3rd best lawyer and Satan herself Kris Kardashian, whose fame grew after being Paris Hilton's friend and filming a sex tape with R&B legend Brandy's little brother Ray J. Now she is married to Kanye West and millions of people watch her and her stupid family on a reality show where they showcase their lavish lifestyle that they don't deserve. It also boggles my mind that Taylor Swift is as big as she is, which makes me weep at the fact that most of America has terrible taste in music. Taylor Swift played the whole clutzy girl everyone can relate to, with real deep songs like 'Mean', which is about a boy that is mean to her...I'm guessing? Sure, 'Love Story' was a catchy little number that made everyone sing-a-long and drunkenly cry to at bars when I was a college freshman, but besides that I have no use for her. She wanted to be a country singing girl next door who is now a pop singer who seems more robot than human these days, yet trying to still be a girl who other girls should look up to.

Woof.

Now that we have Kim K Superstar calling out Taylor Swift, I don't know what to do. In one way I'm thankful for Kim doing this because it ruins Swift's reputation. To be honest, I think this is the most productive thing Kim Kardashian has ever done in her career as a... umm.... a.... whatever it is that she technically does. I never want to give Kim K credit, but I actually have to right now. What really intrigues me is the lack of support from T Swift's millions and millions of fan girls, and bros who adore her for whatever reason. All my friends I've asked about seem to have nothing to say because they know she's screwed more than Kim Kardashian in that tape with....well, you get it. Taylor Swift fans are reeling right now and may find it difficult to Shake It Off (had that joke saved up all day). Their relatable savior has now been tarnished, and who knows how she'll come back. At this point, I don't think she'll ever ever ever, get back to being as big of a star as she once was.

"oh boo hoo ppl know I'm a fraud"

Where T. Swifty goes next will be interesting. As much as I hate both her and the Kardashian clan being in the news, I'd gladly welcome Swift suing Kim K and Kanye for posting the video, which I think she has a good chance to do, since she seems to threaten to sue everyone trying to make a dollar off of her (shoutout to all you people on Etsy). A Taylor Swift v. Kardashian lawsuit would be fantastic, because we if she wins the suit it means that the world gets a tarnished Swift and a Kardashian losing money and facing legal ramifications. We all win! The only thing that is a shame about this fiasco is that beloved claymation show Celebrity Deathmatch is no longer on television. This would be like the main event match on a Pay-Per-View worthy episode. They could bill it as the Celebs We Worship For No Reason Death Match.

Who Could Forget The Epic Battle of The Spice Girls vs. Hanson 

In the end, this wont affect many of our lives in a big way. I just love to see Taylor Swift getting called out for once. Every relationship she's ever had it's always woe is me boo-hoo all guys are jerks. Hey, maybe you're the problem Taylor.  Maybe you're just that boring and/or fake that people that know you closely can't stand you. It was never your fault and you had no problem telling the world you were the one who was wounded. Yet look at her now, breaking poor Calvin Harris's heart, but not before using the alias Nils Sjöberg as a song writer on his song 'This Is What You Came For' because she didn't want to be associated with it. How nice of her.  I can't wait until her next album is about how she was so sad about the Calvin Harris situation, and probably the Tom Hiddlestone situation in about another month, because you know that is doomed. 

She looks like a Nils

Maybe the fame has gone to her head and this is a big reality check for her, courtesy of a mind-numbingly snobby reality diva. For once, I'm looking on the bright side of this and considering it a win-win situation. I'm not expecting Taylor Swift to fade into oblivion, but the fact that her fans are wiping their tears with their white flags tells you that the sparkly shine of Taylor Swift's aura has grown a bit dull after this week. I'm gonna root for her in the probable lawsuit so Kim K can lose something too, and with that, everyone wins...well, besides all the Kim K and T Swift fans out there, so I guess only a few people win, but boy does it feel good to be one of those people. 

Finding Out True Love is Blind: The Rise and Fall of HumpDash

This was indeed a sad week for love. The world now has even more of a reason to hate Kim Kardashian, which is pretty amazing in itself. Truth be told, I would've loved to blog about this topic, but I'm just way too busy this week to do so. Luckily for myself, and more importantly, you the reader, dear friend Danny Allen was on the case to write about this fiasco of a relationship. Enjoy it. There is no one else I would trust with this blog besides Danny. - Jimothy

The most ghoulish news of Halloween 2011 was the reports that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from above-average NBA Rebounder, Kris Humphries. Although their matrimony only lasted 72 days and their wedding allowed the couple to make $18 million. I, for one, was just as broken up as when Adam LaRoche was traded away after just six games at Fenway.

For those of you lucky enough to be living under a rock and don’t know the main players of HumpDash, allow me to provide you with some background:

Kris Humphries was a highly touted high school basketball player who enrolled at the University of Minnesota and dominated there for a year. He chose Minnesota when Kansas players begged their legendary coach to stop recruiting him because he came off as such a dickhead on his recruiting visit. Much like ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom at THE University of Rhode Island, Humphries’ teammates didn’t like him and the Minnesota program was also better off when he was gone. Also, he was the second best youth swimmer behind twice-convicted drunk driver and Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps. Humphries floundered in the NBA for a few years before becoming the tallest midget on this year’s New Jersey Nets team.

Kim Kardashian’s family made their money when her biological father was part of the legal dream team that helped OJ Simpson remain free so that he could find that real killer. Kardashian’s father has since passed away and her mother is now married to Olympic hero, Bruce Jenner. Kim rose to fame by appearing in a music video with the brother of R&B goddess, Brandy. The film was titled Kim Kardashian: Superstar; Ray J didn’t see the single on any of the Billboard charts though, most likely because it focused more on him having sex with Kim and only making inaudible groans.

Kim Kardashian was able to parlay her public debut in the music industry (get it?) into an artistically fulfilling reality TV career. Highlights of her career include Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Along the way, she has been linked to almost URI alum, Miles Austin and fantasy football enigma, Reggie Bush. Surprisingly, neither man was worth Kim’s undivided, doting attention as a loving, conservative housewife. Kim also was married to a music producer for a few years in her late teens or something.

Kim and Kris met when Kim’s handlers put out feelers to NBA teams in big media markets as a way to set up Kim on a blind date. Kim’s first choice, il Gallo, spurned her. In retaliation, the Knicks shipped Danilo Gallinari to Denver with the hopes that he toils away to obscurity in Colorado. After all other options were exhausted, Kris Humphries bit and a most magical romance ensued. Tabloids had pictures of the two lovebirds frolicking on an exotic beach with Kim in an elegant bikini and Kris in cargo shorts. Lust turned to like and like turned to love, as the couple was married on August 20, 2011.

Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are different, yes, but they are also alike. For instance, both rose to fame by sucking on camera surrounded by black guys, but they are different in that Kris Humphries’ sucking was more in the figurative sense. On the surface, they were perfect; each accepted the other’s faults. For Kim, it must have been difficult for her to watch her boyfriend get beat on the defensive end, only to watch him miss free throws and open jump shots on the other end of the court.

For Kris, it must have been difficult to watch Kim’s promising career be built on a foundation of legalized whoredom. It must have been difficult to watch her be linked to famous athletes. It must have been difficult for him to tolerate her reality shows and pretend that they were good. It must have been difficult to go out in public with Skechers on. It must have been difficult to answer if specific outfits made her butt look big.

But these difficulties are the spice of life! I thought that Kris and Kim had a special bond that would be able to overcome the shallow, materialistic, exploitive personas that the media portrays them (her) as having. I thought that the tweets of encouragement that everyone was sending would be read and taken to heart by Kim. I thought the NBA lockout would allow them to start a family and allow them to grow as people the way Scott and Kourtney have.

As the leaves turn and begin to fall and fall gives way to winter, I grow a little sad inside. The holidays are time for family and four seasons ago when Keeping Up With the Kardashians debuted on E!, they became apart of my family. So what if they’re the part of my family that I never want to talk about? Family is family and yesterday, my family got a little bit smaller. I hate to say it, but the future looks bleak. The sun doesn’t shine as bright and we found out that HumpDash went the way of Bennifer.

So this weekend, take some time to reflect about this tragic news and temper your expectations. Because if Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian weren’t meant to be, then how can any of us be happy? Sure they’ll go their separate ways - Kris will get overpaid by a mediocre NBA team and Kim will do whatever it is she does for money, but will they be happy? Signature perfume lines and getting good position on the low block can only go so far, because as ancient philosopher Sophocles once said, “One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.”

Bfast @ Jimothy's 2010 Man of the Year Award

Greetings friends. I realize I haven't blogged in a while, mostly cause I haven't felt up to it, and I've been having creative differences with my staff. Anyways, after talking to my closest asset to the blog Danny Allen, I have decided to update the blog more often, just with shorter posts. We'll see how that works out. Anyways, onto the 1st annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Man of the Year award.

This award has strict criteria that is analyzed for a long period of time, so that the recipient is truly deserving of the award. Therefore, this year's winner is the one, the only, Bruce "Thank You O.J. Simpson for Giving My New Family Money After Killing Your Wife" Jenner. Bruce Jenner (hopefully most of you know this) is the happy go-lucky, awful hair wearing husband of Kris Kardashian, and the step father to Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian. Also, it has just been discovered that he has some Olympic gold medals or something like that. The reason for Bruce Jenner getting the nod for this award is simply that he is living the life of most men: marrying into a rich family and never having to do anything ever again.

Let's look into the average day for Mr. Jenner. He wakes up, has breakfast, plays with his model toy airplanes, has lunch, probably takes a nap, he might work out, has dinner and then goes to bed, all while being filmed. On Keeping Up With the Kardashians, all he does is average stuff. You know, he might help change a lightbulb at one of those stupid Dash stores, and he has great one liners all throughout the show. Sure, it might suck that he has to constantly be around Miss Piggy, I mean Kourtney Kardashian, but now he even gets to hang out with Lamar Odom. This guarantees him Lakers tickets whenever he wants, and he gets to hang out with a URI alum (sort of, I guess). Sure, it might also suck that all his money goes to his wife Kris, since she's a controlling freak and made of pure evil, but at least he doesn't have to worry about paying any bills. No matter what Bruce does he doesn't have to worry about anything. Myself and my roommates this past year might have watched Keeping Up With the Kardashians more than any other show on television (Man Vs. Food and Californication being the only shows remotely close to it), and most people may be confused as to why, but if you ask Myself, Gaynor, Urk, Sean or Matt, I'm pretty confident the reason any of us would give to support our watching the show is Bruce Jenner. Men should take notes and strive to have the life that Bruce Jenner does. If I can make my golden years consisting of one-liners, having bad hair days seven days a week, and becoming rich by getting filmed doing nothing, I'd be pretty happy.

Bruce also has to be appreciated for putting his foot down and sticking up for himself against Kris Kardashian. That woman would have tea with Satan if she felt she could lock up a business deal for Kim if she could. Bruce repeatedly stood up for himself if he didn't want to do something, but he knew his limits. When Kris demanded his presence in New York for the 4th of July to party with Miles Austin and Lamar Odom on a Cruise, he said he would rather be patriotic in his own way, which consisted of getting his ears pierced and a haircut with his stepson Rob, not to mention going to the club with him. Bruce also repeatedly told Kris that he didn't want to go out like a teenager to clubs and would rather be in bed by 9 o'clock on a Saturday night, just because he wants to. Although it sounds lame, you have to respect the man for finding ways to get his own way. So Bruce, I salute you for that. Okay, now I'm out of examples of Bruce sticking up for himself, but having those two examples against Kris Kardashian is good enough for any man.

Now this award isn't just because Bruce is living the good life, but also because he is a leader and a mentor. There are rumors that he also moonlights as a motivational speaker (I'd be one too if I were living his life) but he also mentors that douchebag Scott Disick. Scott is like Bruce in the sense that he wants to marry rich into the Kardashian family, but he is just the drunk clubrat baby daddy that no one likes. As much as Bruce seems to hate him, he bites the bullet for the sake of mankind and attempts to mentor him by taking him go-kart riding and doing stuff that only rich people can do together. It may not be working just yet, but one episode saw Scott thank Bruce by giving him a custom made suit, so it wasn't totally a waste. It takes a bold man to help mentor one of America's biggest pricks, and even if it wasn't successful, at least he got a new suit out of it.

It is safe to say that in 2010, Bruce Jenner gave hope to men who have gotten plastic surgery. He has given hope to men with awful, horrible hair. He inspired millions to live his life. He made toy airplanes cool. He once posed for PlayGirl Magazine. He gives hope to all men to marry rich and live comfortably, even if your wife controls all your funds.