Been a pretty solid week for me personally. First, an article I wrote on some bands that prove that rock is still alive was posted over at DOJO Zine and now I have two articles up at SteelChair Magazine. Since I feel like I've been on a roll I've decided to do a Pop Culture Smorgasbord to really round up what has been going on in the pop culture universe lately. Let's get down to it.
Legends of the Hidden Temple needs to make a comeback. This could be TV gold here. That game was so much fun and it looked like a legitimate challenge pitting brains and brawn with a Mayan Temple. My idea is that you have to had grown up in the 90's to participate, as that generation would appreciate it the most, therefore trying the hardest at it. I would keep the grand prize as Space Camp, because let's face it, that would still kick a lot of ass and it was always so mysterious. I'd love to hear some reviews of Space Camp and find out if it was worth finding Olmec's lost relics. Television needs more Blue Barracudas, Purple Parrots and Red Jaguars.
Jog Down Memory Lane
I saw James Bond 'Spectre' the other night, and it was a true delight. I am a huge Bond fan, and here are my quick rankings run down: 1. Sean Connery, he had the look, great storylines and was believable as Bond, 2. Daniel Craig, the most badass of the Bonds, yet he also has the charm, dry humor and has also benefited from awesome scripts in a modern era, which is tough for a character created in 1953. 3. Pierce Brosnan, he had the perfect look for Bond, and played the character well, but most of the storylines he had to deal with were dogshit. 4. Roger Moore, he had good to great storylines, but he looked like your friends Dad who was clearly older than all the other parents at the Saturday morning soccer games and was not a believable Bond. 5. George Lazenby, he wasn't bad! He just, you know, was only in one Bond movie, so that kinda limits him. 6. Timothy Dalton. The late 80's may have been great for music and teen movies, but it was not for Bond. How boring. Terrible hair too.
I am sick of every new show being touted as "America's new #1 *enter 'sitcom', 'comedy', 'drama', 'crime show', 'waste of time' here*". I refuse, REFUSE, to believe the commercials telling me that 'Super Girl' was the new #1 show in the country. I'm all for a female superhero getting her own show, but why Super Girl? It's essentially a spin off. Couldn't Wonder Woman happen? Maybe a new female superhero? Anything, but not Super Girl. It's just unappealing. Super Man himself doesn't even wear a mask, which I always thought was dumb.
Halloween recently happened, so I'm already plotting my costume next year. Since I'm trying to get in shape, my costume goal is to be Jim Morrison in his prime. If I don't get in shape, I'll be overweight, downhill-peyote-smoking Jim Morrison, which is still decent enough, but just not ideal. The other downside to being downhill Jim Morrison is a need to grow facial hair, which is challenging for me. I'm gonna use this picture here to motivate myself to the Lizard King by next year. Pray for me.
Missy Elliott must have realized that people still liked her after her Super Bowl cameo that came out of nowhere. She dropped her first video today and it's pretty damn good. As I got to thinking about Missy Elliott, it hit me that "Misdemeanor" isn't that great of a nickname. When it comes to street cred, misdemeanors really aren't that big of a deal. It's like she got busted shoplifting lipstick or got caught for leaving the scene of a fender bender. Misdemeanor doesn't have the clout that Ghostface Killah or Ol' Dirty Bastard does. That being said, this is a much needed welcome and hopefully we can get the next "Work It" from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott soon.
Couple of the Year finalists Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale split up, as did Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, who I hear are country music artists. This is interesting in the fact that the ageless wonder Gwen Stefani is now hooking up with Blake "Patty Cake" Shelton and are coworkers on The Voice. To get back at Gwen, Gavin Rossdale tried calling up Miranda Lambert to have a fling on their own, but Lambert reportedly heard the name and said "Who?" You would think that a guy who was the singer of Bush and gave us hits like 'Machinehead', 'Glycerine' and 'Everything Zen' would be able to hold up a long time marriage. Oh, then it came out he banged a nanny. I'll tell ya, that next Bush album is gonna have some deep lyrics in it!
South Park recently had an episode making fun of people who use Yelp, which many people think was long overdue. Yelp responded back with a lawsuit, somehow thinking that they South Park, of all shows, would take it seriously. I remember as a kid hearing the outcry for South Park from parents who thought it was corrupting the country and it should be taken off TV immediately. That was 1997. South Park is a national treasure at this point. All I keep wondering to myself is why would anyone strike back at South Park? No one is every going to win going up against Matt Stone and Trey Parker. They take nothing serious, and they're funny as hell, so it's just an impossible battle to win. South Park's response was brilliant, as you can imagine and can see right here:
Apparently the new Steve Jobs movie, you know, the one that came after the Steve Jobs movie that most people would still refer to as 'new' isn't doing well. It's been dropped from over 2,000 theaters. This made me think of how it was probably the biggest Hollywood letdown since True Detective 2, which of course made me think of Rachel McAdams. Rachel McAdams is interesting to me because I hate her. Every role she has had in every movie I have seen her in, I hate her because she's a bitch. As I pondered this some more, it hit me that maybe I actually like Rachel McAdams, because she portrays her characters who I hate so much, so well. Mean Girls: bitchy Regina George. The Notebook: I forget her character but I had to see that movie so many times I just hate her. Wedding Crashers: Bitchy chick who falls for the douchebag until it's basically too late. Sherlock Holmes: super bitchy Irene Adler. Midnight in Paris: cheating bitchy fiance breaking poor Owen Wilson's heart. Everything she's in she's mean and I hate her, but as an actress I guess that's a good thing and I'm just so incredibly conflicted by her. I hate to like her? Or I like her so much I hate her? Now I'm confused.
This helps her case.
I think I could write a book on this topic, but it hit me that Brand New's album 'The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me' is essentially Jesse Lacey's very own 'In The Aeroplane Over the Sea' by Neutral Milk Hotel. More on this in the near future, if you're interested now, look up what both albums are about and try connecting the dots. Thank me later.
It is rumored that Jimmy Fallon has a drinking problem. So would I if I made a movie like 'Fever Pitch'.
Harry Potter fans rejoice! Newt Scamander is here to get your hopes up! I guess this will be about a wizard who wrote one of Ron Weasley's textbooks and will focus on his life in New York City in the 1920's where Irish people were frowned upon but flappers and gin joints were okay. I'd love to see the Marauder's Map be used to find the closest speakeasy. One can dream.
Lil Wayne had his house raided recently, where cops took pieces of art from him so that he could pay off a debt he owed to a jetline, or something outrageous like that. This is the most productive and newsworthy thing Lil Wayne has done in years. 6 Foot 7 Foot was a stupid song anyways.
People complaining about the Starbucks red cup fiasco is why other countries hate us. It's a cup. You throw it out after overpaying for a warm beverage that you have for what, 40 minutes at most? This generation is so fucked.
Guys, what is the big deal, seriously?
File this one under things that brought great joy into my life: Taylor Swift is getting sued for $42 million for being a big fat phony. This is even more satisfying to me since some little douchebag from London kept on tweeting at me because he couldn't take a joke like my Taylor Swift/Sonic Youth tshirt ripoff was and tried telling me that she didn't physically make the tshirts, as if I thought she was working the tshirt press by hand. God I hate that kid. Sorry for venting, but anywho yeah apparently T Swift was being sued by some hack who claimed she ripped off his lyrics for that mind numbingly awful 'Shake It Off' song. This guy is probably gonna lose, and honestly, I hope he does because he has poor taste in choosing performers to sue. Sue someone who actually makes good music at the very least.
The X-Files are returning! Who would've thought, a show about Alien conspiracies is already more believable that Donald Trump claiming that he can make America great again.
I'm thrilled to announce that a piece I wrote for DOJO Zine has recently been posted on their site! This is my first official article that has not been posted on here. To say I am excited is an understatement. My blog features 5 bands that I believe are proof that Rock is still alive and well in 2015. These are all bands that I love and totally believe in, and this was an article that I put my heart and soul into, and I'm very happy with the end result.
Be sure to check out DOJO Zine. Dylan Johnson is doing some fantastic work over there. He snapped all the pictures, and all of them are epic. This zine is brand spankin' new and it appears to be off to a hot start. I love this site and I hope you do too. So check out my post right here, and give Dojo some love!
In a few short hours, it will become October 21st, 2015. To those who are extremely sheltered and have horrible taste in movies, that just means it's Hump Day. To people who have experienced life, it is the day Marty McFly arrives in the future.
This is a big deal. A movie that came out in 1989 (keep in mind I'm talking Back to the Future II here since Marty only went in the past in the first one) made some bold predictions about what life would be like in 2015, which is kind of hard to do. All in all, it seemed like a decent enough world. Jaws 19 was in theaters, we had hoverboards and the Cubs were winning the World Series.
Wait, what?
Is it a prophecy or a coincidence that the Chicago Cubs are in the NLCS for the first time in 12 years? Making the final four in a year where not much was expected from this team is weird enough, but in the year that Back to the Future II predicted? Eerie. I'm sure at that time people would say "but there isn't a Miami team they could beat". Well, they're partially right, when the movie came out there was no Miami team, but the Florida Marlins came into existence a few years later, and in 2012 changed their name to the Miami Marlins, which is a team the Cubs beat a few times in the regular season, so there! Things aren't looking too pretty for the Cubbies right now in this series, but anything can happen. I wonder how many people bet money on this team winning their first World Series since 1908 solely cause of the movie?
As for hoverboards, I have had a sneaky suspicion that someone has already created one, say 6-7 years ago and has just been waiting to unveil it on this exact day. Is this probable? Absolutely not. Would it be sweet? Absolutely, yes. For now, we can settle for those hands-free Segway scooter things that people call hoverboards for lack of a better term (and wishful thinking). As sweet as this would be, flying cars would still be a better form of transportation.
Another disappointment is the lack of Jaws movies. A measly 4 have been made from 1975-1987. There was plenty of time to make another 15 of these just so another prophecy could be made. It's even more frustrating now due to the overwhelming amount of sequels, prequels and remakes of movies that already haunt the box offices. At least Hollywood could've done something worthwhile with a bunch of Jaws sequels. What a waste.
Lastly, tomorrow marks a big day as I am one of 26 thousand people who joined the Facebook event "The Day Marty McFly Arrives From The Past!" This was one of the first things I joined when I made my Facebook (2008, I think?) and it is kind of mind-blowing to me that the wait is finally over. The other part that is mind-blowing? The event page here says there are 3,100 people who are "Maybe" attending this event. It's not like they have a choice. Who the hell would say 'maybe' to a thing like that? God, the world is a scary place.
Tomorrow will be cool, so pull out your puffy vests, double ties, and self-tying Nikes. Be prepared to unveil your hoverboard blueprints that you've been storing all these years and to get ready if you run into a kook named Doc Brown. Hey, wait a minute, why did they never explain how Marty, a high school kid, becomes best friends with an elderly scientist who is being chased by terrorists? Maybe we'll find out tomorrow!
I've never been shy to discuss my hatred for that hack Taylor Swift. I thinks he is phony, can't sing and is a terrible role model for girls of all ages. I see right through her shenanigans about how she's the clumsy sweetheart that America loves because she writes those really mean songs about really mean guys who treated her real bad and dumped her because she's probably boring. The fact that she is one of the top grossing artists today is pathetic and makes me want to move to Canada. Her latest crime has grinded my gears to a level that has not been reached since the Zooey Deschanel iPhone commercial where she asks Siri if it's raining outside, as she is watching the rain outside. Allow me to explain.
This past weekend I made a purchase that I've been meaning to for a long time. In good ol' New York City, you may know it as the BBQ capital of the world, I went to a store called Ted's Fine Clothing. Located in the Lower East Side, I love this store because it is the jackpot of band t-shirts. Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Misfits, The Clash, Rolling Stones, Notorious BIG, you name it, Ted has it. On Saturday I finally bought the Sonic Youth 'Goo' album cover t-shirt. One of my favorite albums featuring one of my favorite album covers.
I bought this shirt on Sunday. Today, Tuesday, I discover that Taylor Swift has been making money off of the legendary Indie darlings that is Sonic Youth. Look at this. It's terrible.
Now, I know this kinda stuff has been done before. Rihanna recently ripped off Nirvana's shirt, but at least most people know what the Nirvana logo look like. Lord knows the Ramones classic logo tshirt has been ripped off about a thousand times (most recent being a Seinfeld version, but at least that made me laugh).
My problem here is that Sonic Youth deserves so much better. They are influential. The perfect example of a band that helped create the bands and music that we all have come to cherish. Nirvana loved them. They influenced Beck, Pixies, R.E.M., just to name a few. In short, in the realm of real music, they matter. It shivers me timbers that Taylor Swift, someone who, let's face it, probably hasn't listened to Sonic Youth before since their style is far from music associated with rainbows and goodie goodie gumdrops.
You want a role model? Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth is a woman young aspiring female musicians should look up to. Her music talks about the real world and is meaningful. Love songs by Sonic Youth are realistic. Taylor Swift sings about how things stink right now cause her 16th boy band boyfriend left her. People who really like Taylor Swift don't know what good music is. This 1989 tour is filled with guest appearances, ranging from Phoebe from Friends to Justin Timberlake to the US Women's Soccer team, to Fetty Wap, and I swear that attracts more people to her shows than her music. She preys on the blank minds of 12 year old girls, frat girls who just love to sing along after one strawberry daiquiri too many and bros trying to be funny by going to her shows.
So where does this leave us? Taylor Swift makes money off of a lesser known, but more deserving band with a tshirt she slings for probably way too much at her shows. These people don't know who Sonic Youth are and won't bother to care if it's pointed out to them, and that is a crime. More importantly, I bought a t-shirt from my main man Ted in NYC, just to learn that Taylor Fucking Swift made a mockery of it with a cat and a mention of 'sick beats'. What a world.
Odell Beckham Jr. dropped the collective jaw of the nation when he made a spectacular touchdown catch against the Dallas Cowboys. At first glance, it seemed humanly impossible that what he did could ever happen on this planet. People hailed it as the greatest catch ever. Can't be topped. The highest of highs. Cherubs would write songs about that catch up in heaven. For a couple of months, I agreed with the general consensus of this being the greatest catch of all time:
That all changed recently when a certain video went viral. A fan video from the Pinkpop Festival in Landgraaf, the Netherlands caught a catch that somehow topped Odell Beckham Jr.'s snag. I think the new standard of awesomeness when it comes to something going viral is when someone immediately says "that's fake." before even watching a replay. Quite a few people who I have shown this to have said that right out of the gate and then they normally laugh or shake their heads when they realize what they saw actually did happen. Take a look for yourself:
That amazing catch was made by David Achter de Molen. You may know him as the frontman for Dutch punk band John Coffey. Okay, yeah you never heard of them until this video, but at least you know it if someone asks if you've seen this video. "Hey man have you seen that video of the dude catching the beer while crowd surfing?" "Oh, you mean David Achter de Molen, frontman for that Dutch punk band, John Coffey? Yeah." You'll be a hit at parties. Anyways, this was the most rock n roll thing since Jack White punched that guy from the Von Bondies before a show, back when the Von Bondies had enough clout to open for the White Stripes. Meaning, it's been a while.
Now it's been confirmed real all throughout the interwebs and whatnot, so we can rule out cgi/photoshop/the Kardashians as the cause of this video. It's real, but how did it happen? The only explanation I have is reflexes combined with perfect timing. It seems he just stuck his hand out in the perfect placement, which I can only attribute to natural reflexes. The way the cup was turned and coming straight down just helped matters out. I give him all the credit in the world for not hesitating and do what you normally would do to a beer when it literally falls into your hands: drink it. The crowd reaction was epic and he looked like a total bad ass by just chugging it quick and tossing it behind him all nonchalant. That's a showman right there. Also, a wise man. He knows that when life hands you a beer whilst crowdsurfing, you drink it.
The next question here is who the hell threw it? The throw may be equally, (actually, maybe more) impressive than the catch. The thrower deserves credit for many reasons. First of all, he nailed it. Second, it's a festival beer, so you know it probably cost him 3 euros too much. This guy gave up his overpriced beer and launched it at Davey Boy Achter de Molen from an impressive distance, and for what reason? No way he figured he would catch it. Maybe he thought Achter de Molen needed to be cooled down? It would really be ironic if he hated John Coffey and did it to heckle the band. If so, it backfired in disastrous fashion as John Coffey has gained more fame from this catch then they ever would have dreamed. Now, here is a video of a guy who claims to be the guy who threw the beer, but I'm not sure if I buy it. If true, it would answer a lot of questions but take it as you may:
I'm convinced that it was really Stone Cold Steve Austin's beer guy. Someone would always toss Stone Cold beers from God knows where a couple of nights a week for about a decade, so whoever that guy is has the experience and I would imagine the skill to pull this off. Just a hunch, but who else could it be? I'm not sold on the dude in the above video. Who wastes almost half a beer when your buddy wants a 'fresh supply'? Shenanigans.
In short, I hope John Coffey takes full advantage of this internet fame. Make t-shirts, posters, buttons, whatever propaganda that Dutch punk bands make these days, revolving around the catch. Take the fame and run, boys. In the history of epic drinking moments, this is right on up there with Wade Boggs drinking 60 beers on a plane ride, Andre the Giant drinking 156 beers in one sitting, and my favorite, Kiefer Sutherland having the drunk skills to tackle a hotel lobby Christmas tree. Well done, John Coffey. Use the fame to your advantage.
Great news gang: I now have a working laptop to actually write stuff with! To celebrate this momentous occasion, I'm gonna give you 5 live performances from bands you will either love or hate.
5. Silversun Pickups "Kissing Families"- Weird song title, but a great song and even if it's on Carson Daly's talk show (lol), it's a great performance. I always remember being stunned when I learned the lead singer was a dude who purposely tries to sing with a high falsetto, but whatever works, right? I'm sure many of you haven't heard of this song and would rather listen to 'Lazy Eye' or 'Panic Switch', but if you check this bad boy out, you might have a new favorite Silversun Pickup tune.
4. Rage Against The Machine "Bulls On Parade"- Now, Woodstock 99 very well might have been one of the biggest disasters in the history of festivals. It was a literal shitshow, with the likes of Limp Bizkit, Insane Clown Posse, Kid Rock (pre-country days, you know, bawitdaba), Korn and Sheryl Crow playing to incite a raucous crowd. Wait. Yeah, I just double checked. Sheryl Crow actually played Woodstock 99. That's weird. Anyways, one of the bright spots was this performance of Bulls on Parade by the always controversial Rage Against the Machine. Yeah, they may have gotten more press for burning the American flag on stage later on in the set, but before that happened they played this song and it was pretty good, so here ya go:
3.The Strokes "Hard To Explain" - One of the best Strokes songs ever. It may not have the same popularity of 'Last Nite', 'Someday' or 'Reptilia', but this is a song that will make you start humming along or drumming on a table. It's also pretty nice that they didn't have to rip off Tom Petty or Queen for a change!
2. Wavves "Bug" - With their 5th album out next month, gotta give Wavves some love. Wavves opened me up into a lot of different music back in college, so they can't do anything wrong in my book. It's interesting seeing a bad grow up like they have, and also scary since they aren't that much older than I am. I couldn't get any live footage of their new songs (I think they start touring next week) but here is my favorite Wavves song to date, 'Bug'.
1. FIDLAR "I Just Wanna Die" - Yeah, I try hard to promote FIDLAR. They have a new album coming out this week and I'm pretty pumped for it. To celebrate that, I'm giving you a song that will probably never make it to the album. I think it's just a one off song that they did for funsies and decided to just put it up with youtube and play it at a couple of shows. I was v excited to find a live version of it, so here ya go. It's a fun song although I'm sure the actual meaning isn't too fun.
I’m a wee bit cynical. Always have, probably always will be. One thing that has always struck me as irritating and stupid recently are mascots. Cute, furry critters or caricature versions of humans with big heads who try to rev up a crowd who are in attendance to watch a game have begun to get me angry. With every frustration, there is a solution: taking it out on them. Now, I know I can’t personally do these things because it’s ‘frowned upon’ or some other nonsense. Lifetime bans aren’t worth beating the pulp out of annoying mascots…well, on second thought..whatever, I digress. Here are my top 12 mascots who I hope get what they have coming to them, and what type of a beatdown they deserve.
Honorable Mention: Dan Snyder, Washington Redskins Owner.
I’m guessing Dan Snyder is a smart guy. He is worth $1.7 Billion and was an advertising guru, and he bought the Redskins for $800 million. With all the brains and success this doofy looking guy has, why is it that he still can’t come to grips that the franchise team name is racist? The Redskins suck, RG3 is gonna be a huge bust when we look back in 10 years, and there will always be a negative outlook on the team until change is made. For being this dumb, he needs sense knocked into him, which is why I recommend some Sweet Chin Music courtesy of the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.
12. The Coyote, San Antonio Spurs.
I respect the San Antonio Spurs. A model for a successful franchise, they have been able to win for years and years with boring fundamentals and consistency. People don’t like them because they’ve been too good for too long. For such a wonderful team, it makes me question the fact that they used a coyote for their mascot. Actually, let me rephrase, it’s not so much the choice of a coyote, but why the hell the coyote they used looks to be hooked on meth. I had a hard time deciding if I actually love or hate the Coyote, but after looking into his eyes for a while, it soon turned to hatred. Mascots are arguably there for kids, and it’s hard to imagine him posing for pictures with America’s future leaders with his strung out look. I have to wonder if you can find him after Spurs games posted up in a shitty dive bar wondering where he went wrong in life. For his punishment, I’m gonna go with hijinx with a roadrunner (those are real, right?) which leads to him falling off a cliff, followed by an ACME anvil, a piano and then a bunch of dynamite falling on top of him immediately afterwards. I think that’s normally how most coyotes go out, right?
11. Dinger, Colorado Rockies.
You build one little baseball stadium in Colorado and discover one little rib bone of a dinosaur in some dirt and an idea for a stupid mascot is born. Why would you have your mascot be something that has been extinct for millions and millions of years? Dinger looks so ridiculous that he makes Barney look like he could star in Jurassic Park. If the Rockies wanted to make their home games seem more cartoonish, then they succeeded with Dinger. Why couldn’t they come up with something better, like a Coors Light bottle with arms and legs walking around? Now that would be a mascot always down to party. If there is one thing to take away from this blog it’s that extinct mascots are dumb, but walking bottles of beer are more than okay. I’m having a hard time of figuring out a way to kill off a dinosaur. This is harder than I think. Maybe just lock it in an interrogation room with American Hero Jack Bauer and let the cards fall as they may.
10. Boltman, San Diego Chargers.
Yikes. I think Boltman was a rejected superhero who just couldn’t give up, so he hitched onto the San Diego Chargers bandwagon. The part that really gets me riled up is the fact that he wears sunglasses. You’re half bolt, half man, and you’re worried about sun in your eyes? Looking at it now, he is eerily similar looking to the artwork on bottles of Shock Top beer. Boltman tries way too hard in my opinion. I think he craves attention, since the Chargers aren’t great at doing that. Sometimes you just have to ignore things, so I feel that pure ignorance and pretending he doesn’t exist is the proper punishment for ol’ Boltman.
9. Rowdy the Dallas Cowboy.
What a creep. When I see oversized novelty cowboy hats, I think of the classic Burt Reynolds/Turd Ferguson appearance on Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Jeopardy. Thinking of it now, having Norm MacDonald portraying Burt Reynolds in that goofy cowboy hat would actually be a wonderful mascot for ‘America’s Team’. Rowdy just looks too happy too often. He is the perfect of example of when you were a kid and your mom would say if you kept on making weird faces they would stick like that. As for Rowdy (that reminds me, RIP Roddy Piper) I am gonna kick it old school for his demise, by having him kidnapped and tied to some railroad tracks by this next individual:
8. Sourdough Sam, San Francisco 49ers.
Much like his counterpart, Sourdough Sam has the creepy face that never stops smiling. Pair that with his trusty pickaxe and his overalls, and he is reminiscent of a horror film lunatic who just discovered some teenagers who are exploring his mine without permission. In a perfect scenario, the dastardly villain Sourdough Sam would capture Rowdy the Cowboy, tie him up to the railroad tracks and then have he himself get his foot caught in said tracks, right as the locomotive comes closer and closer, just like in the Macaulay Culkin film ‘My Girl’. It just makes too much sense.
7. Blue the Indianapolis Colt.
A year ago, Blue would not have been on this list. The mascot itself is nothing special, so no harm no foul, whatever. The issue now is that he represents the Indianapolis Colts, who caused all this Deflategate nonsense because they are sore losers and their owner is a pill popping maniac who acts like a 16 year old with Guy Fieri style and taste. Because of this, let’s just tie a bunch of fully inflated balloons, fly him up real high until they pop and then fall to his ultimate demise, dying on impact, just like Happy Gilmore’s girlfriend.
6. TD the Miami Dolphin.
It just looks stupid. Look at it. Why would a dolphin need a helmet? It’s not so much that I have a problem with the team name, people like dolphins, but the mascot itself looks foolish. Miami fans would probably get just as pumped up if the jumbotron showed old clips of that TV show Flipper then by letting TD the Dolphin flop around a stadium. When the Patriots play the Dolphins, they are normally encouraged by fans to ‘squish the fish’, but that’s a bit too easy. Tossing TD into a pool littered in the plastic rings that holds soda cans sounds like a more fitting punishment for this waste of space.
5. Youppi! The Montreal Canadien.
What an assclown. Like everything else about the Montreal Canadiens team and fanbase, Youppi! is a classless douche. He looks like the bastard son of the chef from the Muppets and Grimace of McDonald’s fame. What is it even supposed to be? A thing? Youppi! also has the distinction of being a mascot for the now defunct Montreal Expos baseball team, so that’s a special kind of dumb. I blame Youppi! for keeping crowds away from Expos games thus making them move to Washington, so how successful of a mascot is he? Since becoming the Canadiens mascot, they haven’t won squat, so Youppi! might be the biggest loser of this bunch. I would personally like to drop this idiot off in the middle of South Boston and let the neighborhood give him the same treatment Philly gave poor HitchBot.
4. The Stanford Tree.
For a school as prestigious as Stanford, it is very perplexing to me why they decide to have a demented looking pine tree represent them. The Stanford tree actually seems like a practical joke that somehow became a real thing. Although it is technically not the official school mascot, the tree is well known at this point and I’m sure it won’t change. To make matters even more confusing, Stanford is known as the Cardinal, but not the bird, the color. So I guess the proper way to represent a color, which represents your school, is to have a tree that looks like something Picasso made while hungover makes sense? This is the mascot that I would like to personally tackle the most. As for it’s actual punishment, I’m thinking we’ll go Fargo style and toss it into the wood chipper. Fitting, no?
3. Orbit, Houston Astros.
I have no problem with the Astros organization. I really don’t. What I do have a problem with is this nightmare-inducing….thing. Wikipedia describes him as an ‘Anthropomorphic space alien’ which makes total sense. The blank stare that Orbit possesses could make paint jump off of walls. Was the intention of Orbit’s design to be cute and cuddly? The chick from The Ring movies was more welcoming than Orbit. I want Orbit to go away, which is why I’m going to send it to the hotel where The Shining took place, so all my nightmares can turn into one absurd house of horrors that can be burned to a creepy pile of ashes. Freddy Kreuger would have nightmares of Orbit. Just imagine looking into a mirror and seeing Orbit standing behind you.
2. Wally The Green Monster, Boston Red Sox.
Upon being booed right off the bat when it debuted after being ‘discovered’ in Fenway Park’s historic green monster in 1997, Wally has endured much hate over his time. I think my issue with Wally is that he is too optimistic. I would prefer Wally to frown every once in a while when the Red Sox suck like they do now. Go around shrugging his shoulders with a “oh woe is me” attitude would be much more enlightening. Boston fans are hard to deal with, and trying to go to a ballpark that should’ve been torn down about 50 years ago knowing that there is a grown man in a giant green suit waving around and hugging people while the Sox are in the midst of a 10 game losing streak doesn’t help. Wally needs the grin wiped off his stupid face, and getting a Stone Cold Stunner from Stone Cold Steve Austin will put that big green idiot back into whatever corner of the Monster he crawled out of.
1.The Notre Dame Leprechaun.
This asshole. Where to begin? I think my hatred starts with their fans. There are millions of Notre Dame fans who claim to love them, when the only reason they do is because they are known as the “Fightin’ Irish”. I call shenanigans. If Notre Dame chose to have their mascot be the Pigs, Hens or Slushies, they would not have the fanbase that they have today. That’s like being a fan of Van Halen because it has the letter H in it. I take offense to a school cashing in on the heritage of us Irish who like to get rowdy after a drink or 8 too many. As for the real life Lepre-douche who dress up with his little green hat and golden vest, I have zero respect for anyone who does that and isn’t Robin Hood (tights and all!). As punishment for being the spokesperson of the most obnoxious and futile (you guys haven’t won jack shit in years, by the way), I would like to sentence the Notre Dame Leprechaun to the most frightening punishment known to man: locked in a ring for 5 minutes with Rowdy Ronda Rousey. Let’s see the fight that Lucky Charms puts up then.
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