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I’m a wee bit cynical. Always have, probably always will be. One thing that has always struck me as irritating and stupid recently are mascots. Cute, furry critters or caricature versions of humans with big heads who try to rev up a crowd who are in attendance to watch a game have begun to get me angry. With every frustration, there is a solution: taking it out on them. Now, I know I can’t personally do these things because it’s ‘frowned upon’ or some other nonsense. Lifetime bans aren’t worth beating the pulp out of annoying mascots…well, on second thought..whatever, I digress. Here are my top 12 mascots who I hope get what they have coming to them, and what type of a beatdown they deserve.
Honorable Mention: Dan Snyder, Washington Redskins Owner.
I’m guessing Dan Snyder is a smart guy. He is worth $1.7 Billion and was an advertising guru, and he bought the Redskins for $800 million. With all the brains and success this doofy looking guy has, why is it that he still can’t come to grips that the franchise team name is racist? The Redskins suck, RG3 is gonna be a huge bust when we look back in 10 years, and there will always be a negative outlook on the team until change is made. For being this dumb, he needs sense knocked into him, which is why I recommend some Sweet Chin Music courtesy of the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.
12. The Coyote, San Antonio Spurs.
I respect the San Antonio Spurs. A model for a successful franchise, they have been able to win for years and years with boring fundamentals and consistency. People don’t like them because they’ve been too good for too long. For such a wonderful team, it makes me question the fact that they used a coyote for their mascot. Actually, let me rephrase, it’s not so much the choice of a coyote, but why the hell the coyote they used looks to be hooked on meth. I had a hard time deciding if I actually love or hate the Coyote, but after looking into his eyes for a while, it soon turned to hatred. Mascots are arguably there for kids, and it’s hard to imagine him posing for pictures with America’s future leaders with his strung out look. I have to wonder if you can find him after Spurs games posted up in a shitty dive bar wondering where he went wrong in life. For his punishment, I’m gonna go with hijinx with a roadrunner (those are real, right?) which leads to him falling off a cliff, followed by an ACME anvil, a piano and then a bunch of dynamite falling on top of him immediately afterwards. I think that’s normally how most coyotes go out, right?
11. Dinger, Colorado Rockies.
You build one little baseball stadium in Colorado and discover one little rib bone of a dinosaur in some dirt and an idea for a stupid mascot is born. Why would you have your mascot be something that has been extinct for millions and millions of years? Dinger looks so ridiculous that he makes Barney look like he could star in Jurassic Park. If the Rockies wanted to make their home games seem more cartoonish, then they succeeded with Dinger. Why couldn’t they come up with something better, like a Coors Light bottle with arms and legs walking around? Now that would be a mascot always down to party. If there is one thing to take away from this blog it’s that extinct mascots are dumb, but walking bottles of beer are more than okay. I’m having a hard time of figuring out a way to kill off a dinosaur. This is harder than I think. Maybe just lock it in an interrogation room with American Hero Jack Bauer and let the cards fall as they may.
10. Boltman, San Diego Chargers.
Yikes. I think Boltman was a rejected superhero who just couldn’t give up, so he hitched onto the San Diego Chargers bandwagon. The part that really gets me riled up is the fact that he wears sunglasses. You’re half bolt, half man, and you’re worried about sun in your eyes? Looking at it now, he is eerily similar looking to the artwork on bottles of Shock Top beer. Boltman tries way too hard in my opinion. I think he craves attention, since the Chargers aren’t great at doing that. Sometimes you just have to ignore things, so I feel that pure ignorance and pretending he doesn’t exist is the proper punishment for ol’ Boltman.
Yikes. I think Boltman was a rejected superhero who just couldn’t give up, so he hitched onto the San Diego Chargers bandwagon. The part that really gets me riled up is the fact that he wears sunglasses. You’re half bolt, half man, and you’re worried about sun in your eyes? Looking at it now, he is eerily similar looking to the artwork on bottles of Shock Top beer. Boltman tries way too hard in my opinion. I think he craves attention, since the Chargers aren’t great at doing that. Sometimes you just have to ignore things, so I feel that pure ignorance and pretending he doesn’t exist is the proper punishment for ol’ Boltman.
9. Rowdy the Dallas Cowboy.
What a creep. When I see oversized novelty cowboy hats, I think of the classic Burt Reynolds/Turd Ferguson appearance on Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Jeopardy. Thinking of it now, having Norm MacDonald portraying Burt Reynolds in that goofy cowboy hat would actually be a wonderful mascot for ‘America’s Team’. Rowdy just looks too happy too often. He is the perfect of example of when you were a kid and your mom would say if you kept on making weird faces they would stick like that. As for Rowdy (that reminds me, RIP Roddy Piper) I am gonna kick it old school for his demise, by having him kidnapped and tied to some railroad tracks by this next individual:
What a creep. When I see oversized novelty cowboy hats, I think of the classic Burt Reynolds/Turd Ferguson appearance on Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Jeopardy. Thinking of it now, having Norm MacDonald portraying Burt Reynolds in that goofy cowboy hat would actually be a wonderful mascot for ‘America’s Team’. Rowdy just looks too happy too often. He is the perfect of example of when you were a kid and your mom would say if you kept on making weird faces they would stick like that. As for Rowdy (that reminds me, RIP Roddy Piper) I am gonna kick it old school for his demise, by having him kidnapped and tied to some railroad tracks by this next individual:
8. Sourdough Sam, San Francisco 49ers.
Much like his counterpart, Sourdough Sam has the creepy face that never stops smiling. Pair that with his trusty pickaxe and his overalls, and he is reminiscent of a horror film lunatic who just discovered some teenagers who are exploring his mine without permission. In a perfect scenario, the dastardly villain Sourdough Sam would capture Rowdy the Cowboy, tie him up to the railroad tracks and then have he himself get his foot caught in said tracks, right as the locomotive comes closer and closer, just like in the Macaulay Culkin film ‘My Girl’. It just makes too much sense.
Much like his counterpart, Sourdough Sam has the creepy face that never stops smiling. Pair that with his trusty pickaxe and his overalls, and he is reminiscent of a horror film lunatic who just discovered some teenagers who are exploring his mine without permission. In a perfect scenario, the dastardly villain Sourdough Sam would capture Rowdy the Cowboy, tie him up to the railroad tracks and then have he himself get his foot caught in said tracks, right as the locomotive comes closer and closer, just like in the Macaulay Culkin film ‘My Girl’. It just makes too much sense.
7. Blue the Indianapolis Colt.
A year ago, Blue would not have been on this list. The mascot itself is nothing special, so no harm no foul, whatever. The issue now is that he represents the Indianapolis Colts, who caused all this Deflategate nonsense because they are sore losers and their owner is a pill popping maniac who acts like a 16 year old with Guy Fieri style and taste. Because of this, let’s just tie a bunch of fully inflated balloons, fly him up real high until they pop and then fall to his ultimate demise, dying on impact, just like Happy Gilmore’s girlfriend.
A year ago, Blue would not have been on this list. The mascot itself is nothing special, so no harm no foul, whatever. The issue now is that he represents the Indianapolis Colts, who caused all this Deflategate nonsense because they are sore losers and their owner is a pill popping maniac who acts like a 16 year old with Guy Fieri style and taste. Because of this, let’s just tie a bunch of fully inflated balloons, fly him up real high until they pop and then fall to his ultimate demise, dying on impact, just like Happy Gilmore’s girlfriend.
6. TD the Miami Dolphin.
It just looks stupid. Look at it. Why would a dolphin need a helmet? It’s not so much that I have a problem with the team name, people like dolphins, but the mascot itself looks foolish. Miami fans would probably get just as pumped up if the jumbotron showed old clips of that TV show Flipper then by letting TD the Dolphin flop around a stadium. When the Patriots play the Dolphins, they are normally encouraged by fans to ‘squish the fish’, but that’s a bit too easy. Tossing TD into a pool littered in the plastic rings that holds soda cans sounds like a more fitting punishment for this waste of space.
It just looks stupid. Look at it. Why would a dolphin need a helmet? It’s not so much that I have a problem with the team name, people like dolphins, but the mascot itself looks foolish. Miami fans would probably get just as pumped up if the jumbotron showed old clips of that TV show Flipper then by letting TD the Dolphin flop around a stadium. When the Patriots play the Dolphins, they are normally encouraged by fans to ‘squish the fish’, but that’s a bit too easy. Tossing TD into a pool littered in the plastic rings that holds soda cans sounds like a more fitting punishment for this waste of space.
5. Youppi! The Montreal Canadien.
What an assclown. Like everything else about the Montreal Canadiens team and fanbase, Youppi! is a classless douche. He looks like the bastard son of the chef from the Muppets and Grimace of McDonald’s fame. What is it even supposed to be? A thing? Youppi! also has the distinction of being a mascot for the now defunct Montreal Expos baseball team, so that’s a special kind of dumb. I blame Youppi! for keeping crowds away from Expos games thus making them move to Washington, so how successful of a mascot is he? Since becoming the Canadiens mascot, they haven’t won squat, so Youppi! might be the biggest loser of this bunch. I would personally like to drop this idiot off in the middle of South Boston and let the neighborhood give him the same treatment Philly gave poor HitchBot.
What an assclown. Like everything else about the Montreal Canadiens team and fanbase, Youppi! is a classless douche. He looks like the bastard son of the chef from the Muppets and Grimace of McDonald’s fame. What is it even supposed to be? A thing? Youppi! also has the distinction of being a mascot for the now defunct Montreal Expos baseball team, so that’s a special kind of dumb. I blame Youppi! for keeping crowds away from Expos games thus making them move to Washington, so how successful of a mascot is he? Since becoming the Canadiens mascot, they haven’t won squat, so Youppi! might be the biggest loser of this bunch. I would personally like to drop this idiot off in the middle of South Boston and let the neighborhood give him the same treatment Philly gave poor HitchBot.
4. The Stanford Tree.
For a school as prestigious as Stanford, it is very perplexing to me why they decide to have a demented looking pine tree represent them. The Stanford tree actually seems like a practical joke that somehow became a real thing. Although it is technically not the official school mascot, the tree is well known at this point and I’m sure it won’t change. To make matters even more confusing, Stanford is known as the Cardinal, but not the bird, the color. So I guess the proper way to represent a color, which represents your school, is to have a tree that looks like something Picasso made while hungover makes sense? This is the mascot that I would like to personally tackle the most. As for it’s actual punishment, I’m thinking we’ll go Fargo style and toss it into the wood chipper. Fitting, no?
For a school as prestigious as Stanford, it is very perplexing to me why they decide to have a demented looking pine tree represent them. The Stanford tree actually seems like a practical joke that somehow became a real thing. Although it is technically not the official school mascot, the tree is well known at this point and I’m sure it won’t change. To make matters even more confusing, Stanford is known as the Cardinal, but not the bird, the color. So I guess the proper way to represent a color, which represents your school, is to have a tree that looks like something Picasso made while hungover makes sense? This is the mascot that I would like to personally tackle the most. As for it’s actual punishment, I’m thinking we’ll go Fargo style and toss it into the wood chipper. Fitting, no?
3. Orbit, Houston Astros.
I have no problem with the Astros organization. I really don’t. What I do have a problem with is this nightmare-inducing….thing. Wikipedia describes him as an ‘Anthropomorphic space alien’ which makes total sense. The blank stare that Orbit possesses could make paint jump off of walls. Was the intention of Orbit’s design to be cute and cuddly? The chick from The Ring movies was more welcoming than Orbit. I want Orbit to go away, which is why I’m going to send it to the hotel where The Shining took place, so all my nightmares can turn into one absurd house of horrors that can be burned to a creepy pile of ashes. Freddy Kreuger would have nightmares of Orbit. Just imagine looking into a mirror and seeing Orbit standing behind you.
I have no problem with the Astros organization. I really don’t. What I do have a problem with is this nightmare-inducing….thing. Wikipedia describes him as an ‘Anthropomorphic space alien’ which makes total sense. The blank stare that Orbit possesses could make paint jump off of walls. Was the intention of Orbit’s design to be cute and cuddly? The chick from The Ring movies was more welcoming than Orbit. I want Orbit to go away, which is why I’m going to send it to the hotel where The Shining took place, so all my nightmares can turn into one absurd house of horrors that can be burned to a creepy pile of ashes. Freddy Kreuger would have nightmares of Orbit. Just imagine looking into a mirror and seeing Orbit standing behind you.
2. Wally The Green Monster, Boston Red Sox.
Upon being booed right off the bat when it debuted after being ‘discovered’ in Fenway Park’s historic green monster in 1997, Wally has endured much hate over his time. I think my issue with Wally is that he is too optimistic. I would prefer Wally to frown every once in a while when the Red Sox suck like they do now. Go around shrugging his shoulders with a “oh woe is me” attitude would be much more enlightening. Boston fans are hard to deal with, and trying to go to a ballpark that should’ve been torn down about 50 years ago knowing that there is a grown man in a giant green suit waving around and hugging people while the Sox are in the midst of a 10 game losing streak doesn’t help. Wally needs the grin wiped off his stupid face, and getting a Stone Cold Stunner from Stone Cold Steve Austin will put that big green idiot back into whatever corner of the Monster he crawled out of.
Upon being booed right off the bat when it debuted after being ‘discovered’ in Fenway Park’s historic green monster in 1997, Wally has endured much hate over his time. I think my issue with Wally is that he is too optimistic. I would prefer Wally to frown every once in a while when the Red Sox suck like they do now. Go around shrugging his shoulders with a “oh woe is me” attitude would be much more enlightening. Boston fans are hard to deal with, and trying to go to a ballpark that should’ve been torn down about 50 years ago knowing that there is a grown man in a giant green suit waving around and hugging people while the Sox are in the midst of a 10 game losing streak doesn’t help. Wally needs the grin wiped off his stupid face, and getting a Stone Cold Stunner from Stone Cold Steve Austin will put that big green idiot back into whatever corner of the Monster he crawled out of.
1.The Notre Dame Leprechaun.
This asshole. Where to begin? I think my hatred starts with their fans. There are millions of Notre Dame fans who claim to love them, when the only reason they do is because they are known as the “Fightin’ Irish”. I call shenanigans. If Notre Dame chose to have their mascot be the Pigs, Hens or Slushies, they would not have the fanbase that they have today. That’s like being a fan of Van Halen because it has the letter H in it. I take offense to a school cashing in on the heritage of us Irish who like to get rowdy after a drink or 8 too many. As for the real life Lepre-douche who dress up with his little green hat and golden vest, I have zero respect for anyone who does that and isn’t Robin Hood (tights and all!). As punishment for being the spokesperson of the most obnoxious and futile (you guys haven’t won jack shit in years, by the way), I would like to sentence the Notre Dame Leprechaun to the most frightening punishment known to man: locked in a ring for 5 minutes with Rowdy Ronda Rousey. Let’s see the fight that Lucky Charms puts up then.
This asshole. Where to begin? I think my hatred starts with their fans. There are millions of Notre Dame fans who claim to love them, when the only reason they do is because they are known as the “Fightin’ Irish”. I call shenanigans. If Notre Dame chose to have their mascot be the Pigs, Hens or Slushies, they would not have the fanbase that they have today. That’s like being a fan of Van Halen because it has the letter H in it. I take offense to a school cashing in on the heritage of us Irish who like to get rowdy after a drink or 8 too many. As for the real life Lepre-douche who dress up with his little green hat and golden vest, I have zero respect for anyone who does that and isn’t Robin Hood (tights and all!). As punishment for being the spokesperson of the most obnoxious and futile (you guys haven’t won jack shit in years, by the way), I would like to sentence the Notre Dame Leprechaun to the most frightening punishment known to man: locked in a ring for 5 minutes with Rowdy Ronda Rousey. Let’s see the fight that Lucky Charms puts up then.
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