Album Review: Arctic Monkeys 'The Car'

 Oh no. 

That was my reaction to the first 2 seconds of the Arctic Monkeys lead single 'There'd Better Be A Mirrorball' off of their new album 'The Car'. Right off the bat I just knew it was going to be just like their last album, Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino, and that's not a good thing. 

I love the Arctic Monkeys, I really do. Their first 4 albums were simply delightful. They have great, witty lyrics and, what I appreciate the most, insanely catchy guitar riffs. TBHC came out in 2018 and it felt like their first whiff, yet it still sold well (in this day and age). This album? Yikes. 

I appreciate Alex Turner and company reinventing themselves for each albums. Over the years they've been young partying hotshots, greasy biker dudes, smooth leather jacket wearing badasses, and even with TBHC they went all in on some sort of bizarre hotel in outer space. Sadly, the album felt like they were trying to make music fit for a Heineken or Stella Artois ad. It was a total snoozefest. They got a pass with the last album do they another reinventing of themselves, but The Car is a copycat of the last album, and that ain't a good thing. Nothing is exciting about this album outside of the song titles. At least those are kinda creative and fun. 'Jet Skis on the Moat' should be the title of an absolute party anthem. It's a damn shame the song belongs at a funeral home. 

I will admit it's hard to stay mad at them since they are still one of the coolest bands on the planet, but: they need to quit the 70's lounge act shit. Why are you singing in this weird style? Stop it.  You sound like a Saturday Night Live skit parodying the Arctic Monkeys. We need the rock and roll saviors that they appeared to be up until 2018. Make more songs that would look fitting for an episode of Peaky Blinders. I can't really picture Tommy Shelby walking the mean streets of Small Heath to 'Body Paint'. You had a great thing going! 

The big problem with The Car is that it is incredibly slow. There's nothing wrong with slow songs. In fact, the Arctic Monkeys have their fair share of very good slow songs: 505, Cornerstone, no.1 Party Anthem are all absolute gems. All of them are still catchy and you will find yourself singing along to them at a show or in your own car sitting in traffic without even realizing it. This album is like they are trying to become the leaders in elevator rock music. There is so little drumming on this album (and the last one to be honest) that it makes a lot of sense that drummer Matt Helders had time to focus on his photography career. His cover art photo of a car on a rooftop parking garage is the most useful thing he contributed. Not saying it's his own fault because Alex Turner seems to be the band leader and visionary but good grief, let's pick it up a bit gang!

This was really frustrating because everyone who listens to the Arctic Monkeys know that they have the capabilities to turn out another great rock album. I'm not giving up on them and you shouldn't either. Maybe Alex Turner was pissed that the last album wasn't viewed as another work of his genius and tried to double down on The Car. I don't know. We could've used another great rock album and instead...garbage was made. The best part of listening to The Car on Spotify is that you can quickly click on their artist page and throw on I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor or R U Mine? I recommend giving it a full listen through the once and then go back and listen to any of their first four albums to make yourself feel better (or to wake up). I haven't had this bad an experience with a car since I totaled my mom's 1999 Dodge Intrepid. 

Here's hoping Alex Turner is motivated to rock our socks off on the next one. 

Ticketmaster Can Go Fuck Itself!

 About a week ago, aging pop-punk and emo enthusiasts got some great news: Blink-182 was bringing back Tom DeLonge. The not quite original but definitely most beloved lineup of Blink told us they were back, complete with a new album, a song release (it's decent!) and most importantly, a massive world tour in 2023. 

Of course in this day of the internet, many made jokes about the age of the current fans blah blah blah. Some were decent, most were not even remotely humorous but whatever. It didn't rain on the parade of a proper Blink tour with the band back together (Sorry Matt Skiba). I don't think it's crazy to say that people of my generation still adore Blink. I'm 32 and they were like kings to my friends and I growing up. Mark Hoppus is like the Tom Hanks of Pop Punk, he's like a scene father figure to us! All three of the guys are beloved, and still keeping on everyone's radar. Travis Barker has produced like 33 trillion things, and married the only Kardashian that is worth a damn (also the one with the least amount of plastic in her). Mark whooped cancer's ass. Shit, Tom even managed to get the US government to admit that Aliens do in fact exist, because of his own research. God bless these three! They all have been thriving on their own, but everyone knows when they are together, full Voltron mode, they are the best.

I hope Mark finds that as a compliment!

A massive added bonus to the tour was the addition of the increasingly popular Turnstile, along with the legendary Rise Against (excellent band live, from what I remember from, like, 2009) and The Story So Far. That is one stacked tour for anyone who still likes guitars. This had the making for the tour of the year.

Then this morning happened. 

Holy shit. What a disaster. 

For anyone who has seen Peaky Blinders, there is a point in season 1 where Tommy Shelby explains the "soldier's minute". That one final stretch of calmness before the storm. It lasts seemingly forever and it oozes with tension of what is going to happen next. I felt that as the clock hit 9:59 am. Patient as ever, I waited out that minute only to be told that I was in a waiting room with over 2,000+ people trying to get tickets to the Boston Garden show next May. This part made sense, whatever. Not a surprise. What was surprising was being so incredibly victimized by Ticketmaster's "dynamic pricing". When I finally was allowed to go looking for tickets at about 10:25, my jaw damn near broke from looking at the prices. $1,000 for floor seats. $500 and up (before fees of course) for lower bowl, and even close to $400 for the nosebleeds up in the balcony level. 

Ticketmaster. Absolutely. Blows. 

They try to argue that "dynamic pricing" will cut out scalpers but then the prices get absurd because of the demand for the tickets....right when they go on sale...as if...a bunch of people aren't going to try to get them right when they go on sale....instead of going to scalpers....I don't care what bullshit excuse they try to use. These prices are just insane. They should bring back box offices at this point. Everyone knows the stupid fees we all get overcharged which don't make sense. "Handling fees" for e-tickets that don't have to be printed out. "Service fees" and "tax fees", go screw. Back in simpler times, you'd swallow the stupid fees, shrug it off and say eh okay it is what it is. These prices? No thanks. I'm not going to pay for prices that rival my half of the monthly rent for a somewhat decent seat. I absoultely loathe Ticketmaster. They are pure evil. I think even employees at the DMV would be in awe of how poor Ticketmaster treats their customers. 

They try to say this "dynamic pricing" is a way to curb scalpers but I really don't want to hear it. I have never dealt with prices like this when they go right on sale. Face value prices don't exist anymore. They have gone the way of the Dodo bird. This bullshit by Ticketmaster has jumped the shark. Egregious is too weak of a word for it. Anyone who works for them should be ashamed. They probably all clap when their airplane lands. I truly want this company to fail so badly. You know if they are pulling this shit already, it's just going to get worse and worse. 

What should be a super fun tour of the year, feel good reunion for an entire generation of people is now just a frustrating reminder that makes you say "Well I guess this is growing up."

Ticketmaster can go fuck itself. 

Count me out, folks!

Musings in Traffic on Route 1 in Southern New England

I was sitting in traffic the other day thinking about the now classic John Mullaney bit where he talks about how he thought that quicksand would be a big problem in his future. He had a great point! I thought about other things like that which I definitely thought, as a youth, that would be problematic in my future: surviving an avalanche, having to trudge through sewers, getting chased by mummies, you know, your typical Scooby-Doo type of situation. 

None of these issues have proven to be a problem in my adult life. Instead things like having to call someone to set up a haircut, dealing with flight delays and paying taxes are. If you ask me, give me the Scooby-Doo bullshit! They may be more dangerous but at least they are slightly more exciting. Adulthood is kinda tame after all. What is not tame? A random blogpost about nothing-ness on this Sunday afternoon where I was supposed to be hanging out in Florida this weekend (thanks Ian, you dick). 

It's a wonderful time of year for sports. The NFL is in full swing, both the NHL and the NBA are starting very shortly, and the MLB playoffs are about to begin. I still love baseball, and it's nice not having to care about the Boston Red Sox anymore. Those guys stink. I have many gripes with the Red Sox but I will keep things more broad and give you:

The Breakfast at Jimothy's 3 Things That Really Grinds My Gears in Sports (TBAJ3TTRGMGIS)

1. Logos on jerseys. C'mon now what are we doing here? I know this is a big soccer thing, but this ain't Europe. It just feels like such a cheap way for multibillion dollar franchises to make another chunk of change over selling their souls. 

Don't they make enough with price gouging with $15.75 (looking at you TD Garden)? No fan enjoys having a shitty logo ruining a nice looking jersey. Don't even get me started on classic jerseys like the Maple Leafs, Celtics, Yankees...I even feel bad that the Milwaukee Bucks have a stupid Harley Davidson patch on their weird unis. Pathetic!

sadly, this is one of the cooler ads on a jersey :-(

2. Athletes who insist on saying they are "honing their craft". Ooooooh GOD. The douche-chills that just ran up my spine typing that out almost made me pass out. I feel like this first made it on my radar from that idiot Kyrie Irving. To be fair, everything that dope does makes me want to shake my head. Between claiming the earth is flat, the fact he turned down $100 million to stay unvaccinated, burning sage on the Boston Celtics court before his first game back there, everything he does is douchey. Him talking about "honing his craft" in regards to playing fucking basketball is just the absolute worst. Even more infuriating is that I've heard other players like LeBron James talk about it to. You are not carving a flute out of some wise-looking oak tree. You are putting a ball through a cylinder. You are not as important as you think you are. Stop it!

3. Fox Sports insisting on using those creepy cartoon graphics.  

This drawing has more personality than Jackson Mahomes

I just don't understand it. Who thought this was going to be a good idea? Was anyone clamoring for this besides the graphic designer nephew of some Fox executive who was looking for some work? One thing that is amusing is that Tom Brady keeps on getting plastic surgery to make him more and more like his cartoon character. 

Insufferable!

Other than that, it is simply useless. If you ask me, Fox should have kept the football Transformers:

A crowd pleaser.

So I know I have been vocal about the influx of movie remakes and tv reboots that seem to be taking over Hollywood recently. I think it stinks. Let's get some new idea out there instead of just recycling things, ya know? Then I heard about one beloved 80's movie that is getting a spinoff which made me want to shake my fist at the sun....until I heard the premise. Now? If it's done right, it could actually be pretty good. There are plans for a Ferris Bueller's Day Off spin...well...off, which will center on the two valet dudes who take Cameron's dad's red '85 Modena Spyder for a joyride, and the shenanigans they encounter. 

It has a chance! It's strange to me how we have the Marvel Universe, the DC Universe, yadda yadda, and now the Ferris Bueller Universe? I wanted to hate it at first, but that is the perfect way to go about this. A side story where no one really thought much about outside that of it causing Cameron a psychiatric breakdown. It's called Sam and Victor's Day Off and it's being done by the Cobra Kai crew, so I'm gonna give his one a fair shake. 

There is zero doubt in my mind that THE Halloween costume of the year is Eddie Munson of Stranger Things. I truly believe that this will rank up there as one of the most popular costumes since Halloween '08 Heath Ledger Joker and '77 Darth Vader. It will be a hit for all ages, guys, girls, them, it's going to be such a popular costume that there will be a shortage on denim vest and Metallica buttons. I'd love to get some odds from Vegas on this being the favorite. Plus if you want an easy couples costume? Just pair it with Chrissy the cheerleader and you are ready to go crush some pumpkin beers and Pinnacle pumpkin spice flavored vodka at your spooky party!

Instagram has been really bugging me lately. The other day I texted someone saying that I can't wait to go home, and autocorrect inexplicably changed home (spelled correctly, mind you) into 'hike'. From that, I did the classic '**home' follow up text. Next thing I know, I have all sorts of hiking ads and posts plastered about my Instagram feed. I hate hiking. I don't like hiking. I don't even think about hiking. Now my feed is filled with sunsets, trails, and hills that I truly do not care about. All from a phantom autocorrect that didn't even need autocorrecting. It's infuriating! 

Really though. Why is Instagram now all about suggested posts and shit that your friends like instead of things YOU like? If you have someone you hate, you should just tag them in posts of topics that they hate, just to clutter their feed with things they don't care about. None of this makes any sense. My friend sends me a video that I don't find funny and suddenly I get all these posts from local stand up comics. It ain't right! Instagram used to be something I'd log into for fun. To be granted, I never took it seriously (not sure if you could tell from 99% of my captions on there) but it used to be enjoyable to see what was happenin' on the 'Gram. Now it's just a swamp of nothingness. Change it back, damn you, change it back. 

my God it's beautiful!

Lastly, I'd like to leave you with something fun but quite random. To be honest, I hope it jogs soem of your memories. Please let me introduce you to the:

Breakfast at Jimothy's Official 10 Best Songs from Rock Band 1 & 2 

I know it's been a while for these beloved games, but c'mon this was a game changer for those who are my age and younger! This was the best way to get your gang together, choose someone to try to sing, get everyone else to drum and strum, and try to set a score without embarassing yourself. It may seem cheesy now but you have to admit that at the time it was groundbreaking and a good time! Therefore, I'm going to give you my top 10 songs between the first two games (it got too crazy after Rock Band 3, I hope you can understand my thinking here). 

10. Disturbed- Down With The Sickness: Ooh AH AH AH AH! I had to look that one up on Lyrics A to Z to make sure the spelling. Don't want to ruffle any feathers. I wonder how many tonsils have needed to be removed after trying to nail this one on vocals. I know somewhere out there, there are many groups of friends who have inside jokes or good memories of trying to get 5 stars or whatever the grades were for this. Not exactly a Grammy caliber tune but always entertaining! Also, bonus points because my Mom liked this song and would try to recreate the Ooh AH AH AH AH every time it came on 95.5 WBRU 

 9. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Give It Away: I know, I know, they kinda have a lot of songs about California and haven't made anything good in a long, long time. You cannot, however, deny that this song was a lot of fun to play back in the day. The lyrics make no sense which could always lead to confusion, and the music itself was pretty catchy and fun to play. It's better than you may remember. Trust me. I guess.

8. System of a Down- Chop Suey!: I know for a fact that this song lead to many groups of girlfriends plugging their ears and rolling their eyes as whoever was singing tried to keep up with both the lyrics and the intensity. I love Chop Suey! because it's like the smelling salt of rock music, it instantly wakes you up. Its kinda glitchy and kinda intense, but it's also kinda delightful! 

7. Weezer- Say It Ain't So: Certainly the calmest of the list so far. Nice and easy going where a lot of people are surprised that they know the majority of the lyrics without realizing it. It's Weezer. It's a crowd pleaser. It's a fan favorite. Play the hits.

6. Lit- My Own Worst Enemy: The ultimate rock cover band song of all cover band songs. I bet you there are probably 400,000 cover bands across the world that have this song in their setlist, no matter if they are playing the Riverside Legion or the Calabasas Knights of Columbus hall. To be honest it is probably the first song you want to learn when you form a cover band because you know you are going to get a crowd that knows every word to it, even if they are plastered from $2 at the Boom Boom Room. It was just as fun for you and the gang playing this in Debbie McGillicutty's basement as it was for 'Make Mine a Zima' as the VFW hall.

5. Blue Oyster Cult- (Don't Fear) The Reaper- yeah yeah, more cowbell. I know. I get it. I do. It was still a lot of fun. 

4. Modest Mouse- Float On: Alllllllright. The pop hit single from an excellent band who was probably embarrassed at how successful this song became. You know the words, I know the words, it's a sing along in basically any situation. It may lose some points because I remember it being a little too easy to play on the guitar (controller thing), but I doubt many have a bad thing to say about this tune. 

3. Bon Jovi- Livin' On a Prayer: It's easy to get lost in the simplicity of things. Is this a common tune on every version of Jock Jams ever made? Sure. Is it the best song from a band from Jersey that doesn't have Springsteen attached to it? I mean I guess so. Why not. Is it still fun to belt out every once in a while, throwing in a couple of "whoa ho oh, whoa ho ho, whoa oh ho"'s just for the hell of it? Yes! Personally, I don't like how high this one is rated but you have to face the facts, at the time of Rock Band, this was a bonafide jam. People don't forget! 

2. Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Maps: Get the tissues handy. I bet you anything that somewhere out there was a party of people that featured some group who had planned all day to perform this in order to woo someone. I like to think that it had a slight chance of working. This song absolutely rules. I can still remember the stress of playing that intro on guitar (controller). In fact my thumb is twitching just thinking about it. This was also a great moment for Indie Sleaze making it to the prime time. Suddenly the Yeah Yeah Yeahs were on the same page as the Rolling Stones when it came to being featured in Rock Band. Mick Jagger wishes he could've written a song as important as Maps. This song will live forever. It's our generations own version of 'Dreams' by Fleetwood Mac. You can't change my mind.

1. The Killers- When You Were Young: It's the clear number one. Think of any karaoke bar you've been to. Unless the person performing it was a simpleton, it's a crowd pleaser. Especially for the time that this game came out, the Killers at the peak sort of popularity that we all thought the Strokes were going to achieve. This song was a hit amongst hits, has great lyrics, a cool sound overall and it's just kinda...fun. If you ever played Rock Band, go ahead and think back to this song. If you had any memories with friends playing this game, theres got to be a moment where you can remember the gang getting all serious trying to nail this one, just for the sake of it. This song is timeless, and it was the perfect addition to the Rock Band playlist. 

I hope this list made you want to brush the dust off of the PlayStation 2 in your parents basement. I know this was a random ass blog, but hey that was fun.