Is This Thing On?

 Dilly Dilly!!

Just kidding. I wanted to see if anyone would get faked out by that opening line and check to make sure this wasn't a post from 2017. I've decided that now that I have a much more relaxing living situation in an apartment that *sparks joy*, it's about time I channeled this inner good vibes and creative juices and start writing again. Not really for anyone in particular, just myself to shake the cobwebs off. Also, it really helps that it is 9 degrees (Fahrenheit) out so it's not like I was going to go on a run or anything pointless like that. No, no. Why not get back into the swing of things with nonsense.

In these pandemic times, like literally everyone, I've been watching my fair share of content. Now I could do a rundown of what I liked best and what was the worst yadda yadda, but I'd like to pinpoint one documentary I watched recently that was truly batshit crazy. That would have to be the Curse of Von Dutch. Oh yeah. The douchey trucker hat company that you absolutely associate with Ashton Kutcher during his Punk'd days. Now I must admit when I heard they made a documentary about Von Dutch I kind of wrote it off as just a time capsule for that kind of amazing(ly brutal) fashion, but it was SO much more than that. Somehow I went my entire life not knowing squat about it (aka I was in middle/high school when it was big and had bigger fish to fry like chicks and street hockey). 

RIP! And RIP Anna Nicole Smith too.

I'm not joking your ass, there is murder, cartels, a big question of who actually owned the damn brand, studded belts, a crazy coked-up Frenchman and a Dutch Olympic Taekwondo medalist who tried to become Hollywood's next action hero. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I hadn't been so fascinated by a douche filled shitshow since that season of the Bachelor starring Juan Pablo. Between the Ed Hardy shirts, old footage of Paris Hilton and the incredible transformation from Von Dutch to Von Douche, it is a wild ride on the Hulu machine and I'd recommend to anyone. I hope to God they make one on the rise of 4Loko as well. That one I know I lived through. Barely.

Betty White passed away the other day at 99 which wasn't a great end to 2021. If I can learn one thing from her amazing life, it's that if People magazine comes to me offering a special edition about me turning 100, I'm turning that shit down. I know suspect People magazine has some evil voodoo surrounding it and I will continue my streak of looking at the cover when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store and not turning a single page. It's the safe thing to do.

With Betty gone, there is one question: who is the most beloved person in the nation now? As fucked up as the world is these days, Betty White was basically the one thing we could all gather round and agree that she was a hell of a gal. Luckily for all of you, I am writing this blog and like to make lists, so here are my three (no order) best options to become the next sacred celebrity for America.

1.Keanu Reeves- He's basically there already. Plus he is much hunkier than Betty White (that's not shade, it's just the truth. He can even make riding a Vespa look manly). The man revitalized his career unlike anyone I can think of. Ol John Wick gave us a true renaissance for Keanu, and by all accounts he seems to be one of the nicest dudes ever. He even dates women his own age! How rare is that for celebs in this day and age? Near unheard of. 

I Know!

2. Cher- I mean, how can you not love Cher? Iconic singer. Iconic in Moonstruck. Aged gracefully. She is a straight shooter who tells it like it is. Men should listen to her more and they will realize that her word should be gospel! If I Could Turn Back Time (see what I did there) I wish we could've gotten her into politics a long time ago. The country would be in much better hands. 

3. Guy Fieri- Why the hell not. The mayor of Flavortown is someone we can all get behind. Yes he is basically a walking caricature with his dad jokes, frosted tips and white sunglasses resting gingerly on the back of his head, but he stays true to himself. Isn't that what we all need in this day and age? No one can stay mad at Guy. You may want to hate him at first for...well, everything about his look and demeanor really, but you have to admit that he's a charming bastard. The guy just wants to cook a lot of greasy food, add some kickass sauce to everything, and cruise up and down this country. It's hard not to respect it. Winner winner, chicken dinner, you corny son of a bitch. Never change!

Fear.

The other day we got a gift from the internet Gods when we saw Elmo (of Sesame Street, not the fire) lose his mind on some rock and whoever the hell Zoey is. Zoey wasn't there in the early 90's right? If so I did a great job of blocking her out I guess. Nonetheless, Elmo lost his shit when Zoey's pet rock named Rocco was going to eat an oatmeal raisin cookie and it was just absolutely glorious. Elmo, as always, made a lot of valid points that Rocco doesn't have a mouth and can't enjoy a cookie and this whole thing is stupid and then he basically walked off set and demanded a raise.

You can see the calm drain from him.

Seeing Elmo lose his mind like that was truly inspiring. He had no time for these games of a stupid pet rock and the nonsense that came along with it. Personally, I find it a great lesson for kids that sometimes it is perfectly fine to snap on stupid people. In the real world, you deal with morons like this Zoey puppet. You can only take so much, but at the end of the day we are all human and we can only take so much. Stupid people need to learn when they are being stupid, and Elmo is not going to sell out and pretend everything is hunky dory. Children should not tolerate stupidity!

I have nothing but respect for Elmo and the service he is performing for the future of the world. See, this is why Elmo got the tickle me toy back in the day and Oscar the Grouch is still stuck in a damn trash can. God Bless you Elmo. Don't you let stupidity bring you down. This country has gotten stupid enough the past 5 years or so.

Hey so there's a new Apple Watch commercial which is kinda messed up. It's all 911 calls from people on a farm and parasailing (loser) who overdid it and needed help. I don't like this whole fearmongering approach from apple. You shouldn't be feeling scared of possible emergencies in order to buy apple products. You should be feeling scared about getting made fun of when your texts pop up in green when you text literally everyone else in the world who has an iphone. Isn't that green text humiliation enough as it is? Apple needs to chill out. Most people get it already. 

One thing I hate is the damn targeted ads you get just because you looked up something ONE time or accidentally liked an instagram pic of a boat or something. It really grinds my gears. For instance, I feel really weird that I get a bunch of ads for children's books just because I bought one ONE copy of Where the Wild Things Are for my best friend's daughter. While this mostly is a pain, I did get a laugh recently at one targeted ad. For Christmas my girlfriend bought me this very nice anchor shaped tie clip from Brooks Brothers. Swanky, I know. What is even more swanky is the item that popped up on my instagram feed the other day from the brothers Brooks:

Well would you look at this dapper dandy! Is this the Ebeneezer Scrooge special? I feel like wearing this to bed would get you 3 different visits from ghosts all asking what the fuck are you wearing? Has Brooks Brothers gone so far over the edge that they are trying to bring back nightgowns? My grandpa was born in 1921 and he would even call those things outdated. What does this guy here change into when he wakes up in his sleeping chambers? Some knickerbockers and a blouse? Are his wooden teeth and powdered wig waiting for him on his nightstand? Does he sit on his Chesterfield and read the morning paper with a monocle? I actually laughed out loud when this ad popped up. I'm almost impressed that I was targeted to purchase one of these bad boys. You know, maybe if Von Dutch comes back into style, I'll start rocking one of these to bed each night.

Well, that was fun. Let's hope I keep this ball rolling. I can feel the rust being shaken off already.