3 Column Obituaries, V-9 and Leo Finally Wins an Oscar

• First thing is first. I'm not falling for this whole ad campaign Dunkin Donuts has been doing about "we'll make your coffee just the way you like it or else we'll make it again on the spot". It is a nice thing to hear but very unrealistic. I love the most recent commercial where a young female professional orders her black-medium-two-sugar, receives it and then before leaving the register, says "see you tomorrow!" as if she took a sip right then and there and realized that it was perfect. If she actually did that, one of the possible situations would happen: A) she would burn her mouth and lose her taste buds for the rest of her boring life. 2) she waited 18 minutes standing in that spot, holding everyone up, before finally being brave enough to take a sip, and tell the poor worker that it was perfect and she didn't screw it up, or C) she would take the sip of scorching hot coffee when she got it and is this exact dog:

• Well, Leo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar for the Revenant. I didn't see that movie but from the looks of the movie poster, it seems pretty good!

• Speaking of that poor bear, I think it's pretty messed up that Leo didn't mention the bear in his acceptance speech. It's like Tim Tebow forgetting to thank God after actually winning a game based on his talent alone. While the bear didn't have a great night at the Oscars, Sam Smith had a worse night. Sometimes the truth hurts, and I know he has a lot of fans, but it's hard to defend his terrible performance. Things also didn't get any better for him when he had to be corrected backstage when he said he may have been the first openly gay person to win an Oscar. He then had to be corrected when he claimed he may have been the second openly gay person to win an Oscar. Then it got even weirder when he said he should 'probably date' the other gay Oscar winner, only to learn he died about 25 years ago. It was all downhill for the skinnier version of Sam Smith, and the 'Writing On The Wall' was 'lol dummy'. 

"Sam, how many people liked your performance tonight?"

• While a lot of people are upset over the death of the Leo Oscar memes, thousands and thousands of actors are upset over the death of their lame joke of "I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio!"
• My good deed of the day is informing you of a beverage. It is called a V-9. Simply poor Spicy Hot V-8 into a glass and pour as much Vodka (the 9th V, get it!?) into said glass, and you can thank me later. I'm currently in the process of trademarking that name, so don't get any ideas. 
  

• I'm seeing Cage the Elephant play in Providence on April Fool's Day which will of course have me on guard to fend off being trolled for a prank or shenanigan of some sort, like a fake cancellation or that they've been replaced by Rain, the world's most authentic Beatles cover band. 
• Speaking of concerts, I saw Wavves play a couple weekends ago, and they absolutely nailed the whole walking off stage thing by blasting Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You". More bands need to do this just. Even if your show sucked, the crowd will go wild and sing along as you wave goodbye. 
• I have to confess something. When Flo Rida first got popular, it took me about 6 months to realize that his name was just Florida with a space in it. I also have to confess that my Mom is the one who told me that fact. Later on, however, I got her back when I told her Kim and Kanye named their child North West and she didn't believe and I bet her 5$ that I was telling the truth. I quickly became 5$ richer. 

disclaimer: this existed before this blog.

• It was a dark day in Providence last month when beloved yet crooked former Mayor Buddy Cianci passed away. While this was sad for most, it provided me with a lot of hope in my life. As most things in his life, Buddy's obituary in the Providence Journal was the most impressive thing I've seen since How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days. The man got 3 full columns of nothing but praise. It made me wonder if he wrote most of it himself while behind bars, and just told an aid to fill in the rest when he met his demise. I decided immediately after reading it that I would strive to live the rest of my life in such a fashion that when I kick the bucket, I will be capable of filling a 3 column obituary. I cut out the obit and taped it to my door, and when I told my Mom my new life goal, she kinda half-heartedly laughed and probably hoped I wasn't serious. 

  

  Here's the mayor enjoying RI's finest beverage, with a couple of bros. 

• I like to keep my political thoughts to myself. What I won't keep to myself is how awesome the photoshopped Bernie vs. Hilary informative comparison sheets are. Take this one, for instance, discussing the band Radiohead:

Poor Hil-Dawg.

•  I'm still confused as to why Fuller House has come into existence. Who asked for it? Did fans want this? Did producers want this? Did John Stamos want this? Well, in that case I guess that's fine. When it comes down to it, all I can think of is everyone in the cast not named Stamos, Bob Saget or Lori Laughlin wanted it, which makes sense considering the careers of everyone else. To make things worse, they already used their one interesting joke of calling out the Olsen twins for not being there, and ruined it by staring into the camera for way too long, making everyone uncomfortable. Since that is the one scene I have watched of the show thus far, I already know it is downhill from that one cringe worthy moment.  
• The Super Bowl Halftime show sucked, to say it politely. What started off as a poor decision to enlist Coldplay, who only know football as the kind involving yellow cards and flopping, didn't get much help from a weird cameo of Bruno Mars, and a mediocre performance by "Queen Bleh" Beyonce, who almost fell and made a bunch of awkward faces that the world could appreciate due to the pause/rewind button on your TV remotes. 

Somewhere, Kelly Rowland and the other one from Destiny's Child appreciates this photo.

• What bugs me about Beyonce is how everyone calls her Queen. I was with one of the biggest diehard Beyonce fans the moment the 'Formation' video came out, and even she agreed that it wasn't her best song. If that song was performed by anyone else, besides maybe Rihanna, it would never be famous/popular/hit the airwaves. This of course then turned into a big political to-do with multiple people on Facebook proclaiming things and ugh. 
• Lastly, the world is in the full swing of this current season of the Bachelor. Every Monday night my twitter is filled with thoughts on the gals and one weird guy who tells everyone he loves them, but I worry the show may end up getting stale. Coincidentally, I was watching the better version of the Bachelor, more commonly known as Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (on Valentine's Day, no less) and thought to myself how much more entertaining that show was. This is why I think it's about time the producers at ABC need to shock the world and give Bret Michaels another shot by making him the next Bachelor. The man is due for a comeback anyways. The man is a genius, people. He fucking wrote 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn'. Need I say more?

More entertaining than even Juan Pablo!

• Lastly, check out my review of a Wavves/Best Coast show I went to right here, and a review of an album by this band that I thought was absolutely atrocious right here. Read VultureHound!