Posts
Now hear me out before calling me some clever anti-christmas
name like ‘Scrooge’ or ‘The Grinch’. I
am a big fan of Christmas in general. In
fact, I would go as far to say that I love it, and I only save the love word
for my Mom, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and the smash hit song Call Me
Maybe. My Christmases have been pretty
sweet. I get awesome gifts, my Christmas
tree is really tall, and it’s the only time of year when I can buy tree-shaped
Reese’s. The only, and I mean only,
thing I dislike about Christmas is the music.
I know you’re asking why. You’re
probably thinking “How can you hate it, it’s only played for about a month”,
which is an understandable thought to have, but it is wrong. My parents, god bless them, love Christmas music. They love it so much that they play it from
about November 1st, until about St. Patrick’s day. I’m not kidding here. I’d like to think that most of you do, in
fact, get somewhat tired of Christmas music after New Years, which is when most
people normally stop playing it. My
sister Allison and I have had to endure an added 2 and a half months of
Christmas music, which gets real old, real fast. From classic versions of Christmas songs, to
Martini Lounge Christmas cd’s, to my Dad’s Merry Axemas compilation album, I’ve
heard way too many awful variations of already awful songs. I know it seems like an exaggeration, but it
is unbearable. My sister and I are very,
very different people, but one thing we can always share is a mutual hatred for
this awful genre of music. Since my
friends always give me crap for not liking it, and most people seem stunned
when I bring up the fact that I hate it, I’m going to rundown some of the
holiday favorites and make you hate them as well. Also, I will throw in three Christmas songs
that are somewhat bearable to me that you most likely haven’t heard. Ho Ho Ho, indeed.
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer & Frosty the
Snowman: Do we hear songs like ‘The Itzy
Bitzy Spider’ played on the radio? How about
Humpty Dumpty and all those stupid rhymes?
Rudolph and Frosty and both glorified nursery songs that for some reason
get airtime each Christmas because some goon like Dean Martin sang a version of
back in 1958 while most likely drunk. Rudolph
the Red Nosed Reindeer. Give me a
break. You know who else has a red
nose? Drunks. Can these even be called ‘songs’? The lyrics in Rudolph promote bullying while
the lyrics in Frosty promote imaginary friends that melt away. I’d take Puff the Magic Dragon over Frosty
any day. Good music should relate to
realistic aspects of life: love, fear, hopes, dreams, sadness. I don’t see how a walking snowman, who, by
the way, would absolutely scare the shit out of me has anything to do with
Christmas. Basically what we have here
are two songs about a mutant Reindeer and a real live snowman walking around
like a big idiot, which are exactly what I want to hear on the radio to get me
in the Christmas spirit.
All I Want For Christmas Is You: Isn’t it kind of funny that Mariah Carey was
talking about Nick Cannon this whole time?
Would anyone else want Nick Cannon for Christmas? I sure wouldn’t. What a dweeb.
By the way, this song especially irks me because I’m still trying to
figure out why the hell this was the last ever song played at the PC Class of
2012 (holla) Senior Night this past May.
Why? Who was the DJ here? I would’ve taken an overrated Rihanna song
over this. In fact, if you were to tell
me my freshmen year that this song would be the final song ever at my last
Senior Night, then I would’ve hauled my ass up north to Syracuse and spend my four
years there. I loved my time at PC, but
this left a bad taste in my mouth. This
song stinks.
The Twelve Days of Christmas: A kid with ADD’s musical nightmare.
It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Whoever wrote this song never had to work in
a warehouse shipping products out to the people of America. You know who had to do that? Me.
Thousands and thousands of families in America were depending on me to
get their orders to them. While I do
feel some joy of making the Christmas dreams of good American’s come true, it
was a very stressful time for me. I
appreciate the fact that it’s a lovely time of year, but hearing this song
while working in a warehouse just makes me want to smash the radio with a
sledgehammer over and over again. Also,
this song is pretty annoying.
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow: And then let it get gray and dirty, let it
get gray and dirty, let it get gray and dirty.
Snow is nice at only two points, 1. When it is falling, and B). when you
nail someone in the face with a snowball.
Besides that it kinda sucks. Gets
your shoes wet. It’s normally cold. Lingers around for a while. Makes driving tough. Slippery.
Gives people ammo to put you more at risk to getting hit in the face by
a snowball. The way that I see it, snow
starts to suck once you get to high school.
It’s at this age where even snowdays kind of lose their luster because
you’re now at an age where it’s mandatory to help shovel out your
driveway. Sure, you might help your
parents out when you’re in grade school or even middle school, but you can at
least play in the snow at those ages.
Once you hit high school, snow blows, thus making this song
miserable.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus- This one really bugs
me. What an awkward position for this
kid to be in. Try putting yourself in
this kids position. You’re excited to
see what the fat man in red brought you for Christmas, and you sneak downstairs
trying not to get caught, and then you see Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick snogging with
your Mother. That damn Santa Claus. He’s a no-good, cheatin’, kiss-stealing
homewrecker who thinks that dropping off presents will ease to the pain that he
smooched your Mom. The only thing I can
compare this song to is Fountain of Wayne’s hit “Stacy’s Mom”. Stacy and the poor kid in this song probably
share a lot of hatred toward Santa.
Moving on, if you’re a kid in this position, what do you do? Do you call them out on this, revealing that
you’ve been sneaking out of bed, blowing the whistle on your cheating
Mother? I mean honestly I think if my
wife cheated on me I’d most likely divorce her.
Now, little Timmy loses his Mom to Santa Claus, his divorced Dad becomes
depressed for years to come, and Christmas is ruined for you forever, because
of a tryst you witnessed. That being
said, if you don’t call your Mom out on smooching Santa, that is one pretty big
family secret that you have to keep inside for the rest of your life. Also, no one likes a tattle-tale, which has repercussions
of its own. It seems to me that this is
a lose-lose situation no matter which way you spin it, which puts the kid in a
tough spot. Michael Jackson famously covered this song at one point, and look
at what happened to him? Who knows,
maybe if he didn’t catch his Mom playing tonsil hockey with Santa, he’d still
be alive, black, less creepy and still have a nose. I just can’t see how a song that condones
cheating can be associated with Christmas. This makes me depressed. Not only does Santa break into your home, but
he steals your mom. Ho Ho Ho
indeed.
Now for the good stuff, Christmas music that I don’t
mind. First up, Diamond Rugs “Christmas
In A Chinese Restaurant” . Catchy as
hell. The piano brings me back to
simpler times. I just like it because it’s
kinda anti-Christmas music and is a new
aspect on being lonely on Christmas. It’s
refreshing in a depressing way.
Second is The Ramones classic “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want
to Fight Tonight)” which really brings up the unspoken problem of having to get
along with family members that you don’t like.
This is alright. I think it’s
only bearable to me because it’s by The Ramones.
Lastly, Fucked Up “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”. I mean this is the holiday season, so why not
be cheery and accept some Christmas spirit from the best band out of Toronto
who has the word ‘fuck’ in their name.
Also, this song features Andrew W. K. who loves to party, Tegan and
Sara, and that dude from Vampire Weekend.
All jokes aside, this song is actually good.
Christmas in Hollis!
ReplyDelete