Christmas Music...Woof

Ah the holidays. A special time to enjoy with friends and family.  People get to see their drunk uncle Frank’s for that one time per year.  For some reason we pin socks above chimneys.  We reward the greatest home invader ever with milk and cookies for his hard work breaking into to our houses.  We get awesome presents and some of us even get that added bonus of feeling good for buying things for other people.  What a concept.  Many things about Christmas are cool, but there is one part of Christmas that makes me very annoyed and unhappy starting at the end of November:  Christmas music.  I absolutely hate Christmas music.

Now hear me out before calling me some clever anti-christmas name like ‘Scrooge’ or ‘The Grinch’.  I am a big fan of Christmas in general.  In fact, I would go as far to say that I love it, and I only save the love word for my Mom, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and the smash hit song Call Me Maybe.  My Christmases have been pretty sweet.  I get awesome gifts, my Christmas tree is really tall, and it’s the only time of year when I can buy tree-shaped Reese’s.  The only, and I mean only, thing I dislike about Christmas is the music.  I know you’re asking why.  You’re probably thinking “How can you hate it, it’s only played for about a month”, which is an understandable thought to have, but it is wrong.  My parents, god bless them, love Christmas music.  They love it so much that they play it from about November 1^st, until about St. Patrick’s day.  I’m not kidding here.  I’d like to think that most of you do, in fact, get somewhat tired of Christmas music after New Years, which is when most people normally stop playing it.  My sister Allison and I have had to endure an added 2 and a half months of Christmas music, which gets real old, real fast.  From classic versions of Christmas songs, to Martini Lounge Christmas cd’s, to my Dad’s Merry Axemas compilation album, I’ve heard way too many awful variations of already awful songs.  I know it seems like an exaggeration, but it is unbearable.  My sister and I are very, very different people, but one thing we can always share is a mutual hatred for this awful genre of music.  Since my friends always give me crap for not liking it, and most people seem stunned when I bring up the fact that I hate it, I’m going to rundown some of the holiday favorites and make you hate them as well.  Also, I will throw in three Christmas songs that are somewhat bearable to me that you most likely haven’t heard.  Ho Ho Ho, indeed.

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer & Frosty the Snowman:  Do we hear songs like ‘The Itzy Bitzy Spider’ played on the radio?  How about Humpty Dumpty and all those stupid rhymes?   Rudolph and Frosty and both glorified nursery songs that for some reason get airtime each Christmas because some goon like Dean Martin sang a version of back in 1958 while most likely drunk.  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  Give me a break.  You know who else has a red nose?  Drunks.  Can these even be called ‘songs’?  The lyrics in Rudolph promote bullying while the lyrics in Frosty promote imaginary friends that melt away.  I’d take Puff the Magic Dragon over Frosty any day.  Good music should relate to realistic aspects of life: love, fear, hopes, dreams, sadness.  I don’t see how a walking snowman, who, by the way, would absolutely scare the shit out of me has anything to do with Christmas.  Basically what we have here are two songs about a mutant Reindeer and a real live snowman walking around like a big idiot, which are exactly what I want to hear on the radio to get me in the Christmas spirit.

All I Want For Christmas Is You:  Isn’t it kind of funny that Mariah Carey was talking about Nick Cannon this whole time?  Would anyone else want Nick Cannon for Christmas?  I sure wouldn’t.  What a dweeb.  By the way, this song especially irks me because I’m still trying to figure out why the hell this was the last ever song played at the PC Class of 2012 (holla) Senior Night this past May.  Why?  Who was the DJ here?  I would’ve taken an overrated Rihanna song over this.  In fact, if you were to tell me my freshmen year that this song would be the final song ever at my last Senior Night, then I would’ve hauled my ass up north to Syracuse and spend my four years there.  I loved my time at PC, but this left a bad taste in my mouth.  This song stinks. 

The Twelve Days of Christmas:  A kid with ADD’s musical nightmare.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year:  Whoever wrote this song never had to work in a warehouse shipping products out to the people of America.  You know who had to do that?  Me.  Thousands and thousands of families in America were depending on me to get their orders to them.  While I do feel some joy of making the Christmas dreams of good American’s come true, it was a very stressful time for me.  I appreciate the fact that it’s a lovely time of year, but hearing this song while working in a warehouse just makes me want to smash the radio with a sledgehammer over and over again.  Also, this song is pretty annoying.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow:  And then let it get gray and dirty, let it get gray and dirty, let it get gray and dirty.  Snow is nice at only two points, 1. When it is falling, and B). when you nail someone in the face with a snowball.  Besides that it kinda sucks.  Gets your shoes wet.  It’s normally cold.  Lingers around for a while.  Makes driving tough.  Slippery.  Gives people ammo to put you more at risk to getting hit in the face by a snowball.  The way that I see it, snow starts to suck once you get to high school.  It’s at this age where even snowdays kind of lose their luster because you’re now at an age where it’s mandatory to help shovel out your driveway.  Sure, you might help your parents out when you’re in grade school or even middle school, but you can at least play in the snow at those ages.  Once you hit high school, snow blows, thus making this song miserable. 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus- This one really bugs me.  What an awkward position for this kid to be in.  Try putting yourself in this kids position.  You’re excited to see what the fat man in red brought you for Christmas, and you sneak downstairs trying not to get caught, and then you see Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick snogging with your Mother.  That damn Santa Claus.  He’s a no-good, cheatin’, kiss-stealing homewrecker who thinks that dropping off presents will ease to the pain that he smooched your Mom.  The only thing I can compare this song to is Fountain of Wayne’s hit “Stacy’s Mom”.  Stacy and the poor kid in this song probably share a lot of hatred toward Santa.  Moving on, if you’re a kid in this position, what do you do?  Do you call them out on this, revealing that you’ve been sneaking out of bed, blowing the whistle on your cheating Mother?  I mean honestly I think if my wife cheated on me I’d most likely divorce her.  Now, little Timmy loses his Mom to Santa Claus, his divorced Dad becomes depressed for years to come, and Christmas is ruined for you forever, because of a tryst you witnessed.  That being said, if you don’t call your Mom out on smooching Santa, that is one pretty big family secret that you have to keep inside for the rest of your life.  Also, no one likes a tattle-tale, which has repercussions of its own.  It seems to me that this is a lose-lose situation no matter which way you spin it, which puts the kid in a tough spot. Michael Jackson famously covered this song at one point, and look at what happened to him?  Who knows, maybe if he didn’t catch his Mom playing tonsil hockey with Santa, he’d still be alive, black, less creepy and still have a nose.  I just can’t see how a song that condones cheating can be associated with Christmas. This makes me depressed.  Not only does Santa break into your home, but he steals your mom.  Ho Ho Ho indeed. 

Now for the good stuff, Christmas music that I don’t mind.  First up, Diamond Rugs “Christmas In A Chinese Restaurant” .  Catchy as hell.  The piano brings me back to simpler times.  I just like it because it’s kinda anti-Christmas  music and is a new aspect on being lonely on Christmas.  It’s refreshing in a depressing way.

 

Second is The Ramones classic “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” which really brings up the unspoken problem of having to get along with family members that you don’t like.  This is alright.  I think it’s only bearable to me because it’s by The Ramones.

Lastly, Fucked Up “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”.  I mean this is the holiday season, so why not be cheery and accept some Christmas spirit from the best band out of Toronto who has the word ‘fuck’ in their name.  Also, this song features Andrew W. K. who loves to party, Tegan and Sara, and that dude from Vampire Weekend.  All jokes aside, this song is actually good. 

 

Finally, to you all, I wish you all the merriest of Christmases.  Hope you were all good this year.

A Terrible Trifecta

The internet is a wonderful thing 99% of the time.  This being said, that 1% of not-so wonderful material can get pretty brutal.  Much of this 1% comes from youtube music videos.  Some are hits, and some are misses.  For every ‘Call Me Maybe’ there is a ‘Friday’.  It seems  not so long ago that the world was exposed to Rebecca Black’s smash hit (?) ‘Friday’, bringing shame to the world of music, and gaining that talentless brat popularity for essentially sucking.  Why was ‘Friday’ so bad?  It was the lyrics.  And the video.  The video sucked.  So much nonsense was involved that it could puzzle even the brightest of minds.  At one point, I think we all said that nothing could top Ms. Black and her poor excuse for what she calls music.  We were wrong.  Two videos surfaced this week which are just as bad as ‘Friday’.  What we have on our hands here is a Bermuda Triangle of awful youtube music stars.  All young, middle school aged girls, all with a random appearance of a rapper out of nowhere, and all with lyrics that make Taylor Swift look like a creative genius.  Before showing these and dissecting them, special thanks to Fairfield’s Finest Maggie Nolin, and Annik ‘Nacho Mama’s ‘ Spencer for showing these to me.  Upon thinking about it, I’m not sure if I should be thanking you two or blaming you two for pain, but we’ll just go with thanks for now.  After reading this, please vote on the poll on the right side of the screen for which video is indeed the worst, so we can settle this score once and for all. 

First up: Nicole Westbrook – It’s Thanksgiving

 

Right off the bat, way too many whoa oh oh’s for my liking. 

What? No parental supervision for these parties?  Everybody get your drugs ready.

My birthday is July 4^th, and it’s pretty sweet.  Never have I wished my birthday was on a different day until hearing it referenced in this video. 

Once again, the ‘Ay!’ in between naming various foods are just useless.  Doesn’t do anything to help.

How creepy is it at 1:46 when the dude from the ‘Friday’ video pops out of nowhere?  Gotta say that this song makes a lot more sense when he does show up out of nowhere. 

That death stare at 2:17 that Nicole Westbrook gives that poor bastard who brought cranberry sauce instead of mashed potatoes is surreal.  Very reminiscent of the look my mother gave me when I broke the news that I was going to PC instead of URI.    

I’m actually a big fan of this turkey costume.  You just don’t see enough of those anymore.  Gives the video an easy-going vibe. 

The freestyle portion of the song really ties it all together in my personal opinion. 

The turkey drumstick being utilized as a microphone gets Nicole Westbrook a whopping 0 style points. 

I’m all for the token black dude showing up at a party and stuff, but does the token black dude in this video have to not only show up, but hang out with kids who are 30 years younger than him? I can understand if he were the babysitter or something, but this is just creepy. 

I love how this video starts off as a song about giving thanks, quickly turns into a lesson on what month holidays fall into, and finishing up into Nicole Westbrook basically reading off of a menu.

What about St. Patrick’s day? Valentine’s Day? Armistice Day?  Flag Day? 

“Can’t be Hateful Gotta Be Grateful, gotta be grateful can’t be hateful” is officially the worst line in the history of song and dance. 

Every Woman’s studies class will have a field day dissecting this for years to come.  I mean talk about gender stereotyping.  We have a young girl cooking in the kitchen while the menfolk just show up with cranberry sauce instead of the mashed potatoes like he was told.  Men aren’t good for anything, am I right!?

It may be a music video staple to have smoking hot scantily clad babes making the singer look like the man (except you, Ricky Martin!  You sly dog), but having a 12 year old girl on a bed is just kinda weird.

Finally, as some of you probably noticed, that black dude in this video is indeed the same guy from Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ video.  He’s really 2-2 in his songwriting thus far.  It takes great skill and talent to create the worst video in the world, and then make an even worse one about a year later.  How is that even possible?  Right now I’m trying to compare this feat to something else that has happened in history, but I really can’t.  I give up. 

Video #2. Jenna Rose- My Jeans ft. Baby Triggy

 

Immediate thought prior to watching the video- Baby Triggy?  I mean Lil Bow Wow and Lil Romeo were bad enough names for those youngins who thought they could spit fire, but Baby Triggy?  Ugh.  It sounds like a terrible nickname that a mathematics teacher would give for Trigonometry in order for it to sound appealing. 

You know you’re in trouble when the three celebrities who wear the same jeans as you are Hannah Montana, Ashley Tisdale and Kiki Palmer.  Who the hell is Kiki palmer? This being said, why is Jenna Rose excited about this?  Ashley Tisdale hasn’t done anything since she graduated that High School Musical place, Hannah Montana is a fictional character, and google isn’t helping me find out who Kiki Palmer is.  She get’s no credit for name dropping here.

I actually do like the Heelys shout out at 1:19, even if I thought they went out of business many years ago. 

Serious question, is she singing, rapping, or just reading really fast?   I really can’t tell.

I love the ‘Art’ artwork on her bedroom closet door. Example at 0:30

Pause the video at about  0:37 and ½ (as she’s saying ‘Palmer’).  Now look at the picture below.

 

Do we really have to go through the driving-a-car-way-too-young thing again?

The real crime here?  Jenna Rose’s plaid fedora.

Call me crazy, but I’m not seeing too many jeans here in this video so far. 

Has Jenna Rose ever thought that maybe she’s wearing jeans like other people, as opposed to all these people wearing jeans like her?  I mean I wear jeans every day but I don’t think about her when I throw them on every morning.

Ah.  Nothing says successful rapper like a white bucket hat that would make Gilligan proud. 

That ‘Hahaha Jack My Swag’ line at 2:24 is straight fire. 

The fact that Baby Triggy had to drop the line “What? Trig bought a new blackberry, What?” three times really sums up the lyrical genius of this song.   

Referencing the Black Eyed Peas in any song is never a good thing, no matter how much of an established star you are.

The jeans that Ms. Rose settles on aren’t very easy on the eyes.  Rhinestones?  Where did she buy those?  Claire’s?  What is she? 13?  Ah dammit she actually is 13. 

Again with the lack of adult supervision.  If her parents were around we wouldn’t have to worry about these teeny boppers having a party and singing about jeans in Jenna’s bedroom. 

…This song would be produced by Lunchbox Recordz.

What is she looking upward at?  It certainly can’t be a bright future.   

Again, way too many oh whoa oh whoaaa’s for my liking.

1:07 I’m really tempted to get Rhode Island license plate that says Jenna Rose.  It’s a shame that the New York one is already taken. 

Is this Sarah Silverman’s daughter on drugs? 

 

I am a firm believer that I would get similar reactions from MY friends when I show them the rhinestone encrusted jeans that I purchased recently. 

I honestly think I have more street cred than Baby Triggy.

3:21- It appear that none of these girls have the potential to become America’s Next Top Model if this is how they move on the catwalk.   

Where does this leave us?

If you remember, Rebecca Black was the victim of much bullying and name-calling and teasing.  Boohoo.  Are we supposed to feel bad for you, Rebecca?  No.  All of that stuff would never have happened if you didn’t suck.  Plain and simple.  Joe Dimaggio once said “They can boo as loud as they can cheer”, but let’s face it, they will boo louder if you suck.  Now we arrive at this Triple Crown of Sucking courtesy of youtube.  ‘It’s Thanksgiving’ Vs. ‘My Jeans’ Vs. ‘Friday’ in a triple threat match where no one wins.  I honestly am not one to judge which song is the worst, so go ahead and vote on the poll on the top right hand side of the page.  Feel free to leave comments below and give me more links of awful youtube sensations.

The Pop Culture and Current Events Smorgasbord Blitz

As you all can probably tell, finding blog topics is always hard for me. I think I complain about that fact in almost every blogpost I’ve written. I never want to half ass it or bore people with a blog topic, so I guess I find myself being very skeptical and, dare I say, choosey about what I decide to write about. It’s a mood thing for me I guess. That being said, I’m in the mood for a lightening round of a dissection of pop culture. Sometimes it is just easier (and more enjoyable) to just write about random things rather than one subject. Before I start, some major shoutouts are in order to two of my favorite females out there, Angela Ju and Nicole “Bro”Russo, whom I shared a lovely dinner with at the Abbey last night. Girls, keep on keepin’ on. Much love. Much respect. Anywho, I now proudly present to you: The Pop Culture and Current Events Smorgasbord Blitz.

· How about that Instagram? I’m kind of undecided about it still, even after breaking records with 163 followers and posting some true works of art straight from my iphone. What bothers me is that for every single cool picture you come across from people you follow, there are about a dozen pictures of food, nature, and outfits that I just really don’t care about. I mean really (and I realize I’ve been guilty of this a handful of times, but still) why is it so prevalent on Instagram? I’m sure there would be backlash if I Instagrammed a picture of every single pillow I come across, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m getting bored of all the pictures of chicken parm and craft beers I’m seeing.

· There was some backlash from my previous blog in which I bashed the people of Whole Foods. The National Hipster Association was rather peeved at me, and threatened to revoke my membership if I keep it up. In other news, the rest of society seemed pleased to have me back. Also, I’d like to make it a point that I did not make up the part about the dude in the powdered wig. Some people asked me if that was true, and it really was.

· Good to see that Kelso and Jackie from That 70’s Show are dating again! Only Ashton Kutcher could go from Demi Moore to Mila Kunis. I wonder how that other guy from Dude, Where’s My Car is doing these days. Anyways, good for Ashton and Mila. I just hope that when Ashton fucks up and cheats on Mila in a few months that Red Foreman pops out of nowhere and calls him a Dumbass just like in the good ol days.

· The MLB Playoffs have started, giving people across the country an excuse to go to a bar to watch 4 hour long games and get wasted. I was actually very excited for the playoffs to start this year, because it meant that the suffering came to an end for Boston Red Sox fans after this awful, horrible, historically bad season. The only way the Red Sox could’ve gotten me to watch any games in September would’ve been if they brought back the whole 2004 World Series team roster for a game or two. How awesome would it have been to see Mark Bellhorn strike out 12 more times in 3 games?

· Still waiting on Carly Rae Jepsen to have a follow up smash single to Call Me Maybe. I have to finally admit, come clean, tell-the-truth-the-whole-truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth, that I am a fan of the song. You may have one this battle Carle, but you still are a train wreck waiting to happen. As of now, you’re a very successful One Hit Wonder, with rumors of a sex tape and leaked nude pictures that probably didn’t make your father all to proud.

· Kind of freaked out by Lorena Garcia, the Taco Bell executive chef. It’s a nice concept to have a ‘gourmet’ chef as their spokesperson, but I really don’t think that the Taco Bell in Rumford, Rhode Island on Newport Ave has any gourmet chefs working in that kitchen. I don’t care if The Barefoot Contessa or Paula Deen is working back there, I’ll never call Taco Bell ‘gourmet’. Maybe if Giada de Laurentiis was working there. That woman is a fox. Anyways, I call shenanigans on this whole ‘gourmet’ campaign.

· Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj got into a fight this past week. I’m sure I’m speaking on behalf of a good portion of the population by saying that I hope they fight each other to the death, hopefully ending in a tie. See what I did there?

· I’m not big on politics. I realize I should be, but I’m not. I’m going to vote, I’m already decided but I just really wish that there were different choices out there than what we have in this election. Seems like it’s a lose-lose situation. That’s all I’m saying.

· Has anyone seen any good movies lately? I’m in a rut and need to see some new stuff, but I can’t decide on what to watch. Leave a comment under this post to give me some ideas. Shoutouts will be rewarded for those with good ideas.

· EDM is starting to rapidly take over the world. Last week I attended a show at Royale in Boston with the Rizzini brothers and the lovely Jenna Borkoski. It’s a scene unlike any other. We saw Zedd and Porter Robinson kill it. The crowd was insane and for anyone who hasn’t given EDM a shot, now might be the time. It is kind of funny though, this is the type of music that everyone was making fun of in the late 90’s and calling it Eurotrash stuff. Funny how things come back around.

· Snoop Dogg is becoming Snoop Lion to help promote his newfound love for Reggae. Coincidentally, I will be changing my name to Lil Jimmi, to help promote my newfound sarcastic love for Hip Hop.

· I tweeted the other day about a girl on the train home from Boston who had her ringtone as Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads, only to complain to the person on the other line about how she was single and miserable. This got me thinking about other bad ringtones that people shouldn’t have. The Caridgan’s ‘Lovefool’ (you know it, “Love me, love me, saaaay that you love me”) and The Cranberries’ ‘Zombie’ are at the top of the list due to how easily they get stuck in people’s heads. Radiohead’s classic ‘Creep’ would also be a bad ringtone for anyone who is currently looking for a significant other in their life. In the age of facebook creeping and such, having ‘Creep’ as a ringtone just isn’t smart, no matter how awesome the song is. ‘Levels’ by Avicii would also be a bad idea as it would most likely start a rave/dance party in the near vicinity of where your phone is, most likely causing in delays and such. Any ringtone of a Dave Matthews song is also a bad idea, as you will become extremely at risk to me taking your phone and smashing it against a brick wall.

· Taylor Swift released a new song entitled ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’ which features some sort of dubstep in it. You know, since when I think of dubstep, Taylor Swift comes to mind right off the bat. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m getting sick of Taylor Swift. She’s really gone downhill since ‘Love Story’ in my personal opinion. How much longer can she keep writing songs about guys that she used to date but broke her heart after they realized how boring she is? It’s getting real old real quick. My advice to T. Swift is to quit being such a prude, take a sip of beer and write about something else. Hofstra’s finest Annik Spencer suggested I write my own song about Taylor Swift, like the time that she bombed as host on Saturday Night Live, and I might take her up on that. I mean hey it’ll be a welcome change up for a song involving Swift with something else than men. The Chili Peppers don’t need to write any more songs about California, Lil Wayne doesn’t need to write any more songs about money and girls, Justin Bieber doesn’t need to write any more songs period, and T. Swift doesn’t need to write any more songs about dudes.

· Finally, it’s Fake Alumni Weekend starting this Friday. On behalf of, well, myself, I’d like to say that it’ll be an honor to get back together with you drunk idiots from the PC class of 2012. Let’s get weird. It really hasn’t been the same since graduating, and I think I can speak for the majority of those coming back to Providence that this weekend will be interesting to say the very least. I’ll be willing to buy anyone drinks at Old’s in exchange for compliments on the blog to help boost my ego.

Whole Foods: The Experience

Over the past few years, I’ve been hearing more and more about Whole Foods as the superior retailer of foods.  Essentially, it’s classier than Stop & Shop, Shaw’s, The Big Y and whatever other grocery stores you can think of.  Growing up a hop skip and a throw away from Providence, Rhode Island’s historic East Side, I’ve always been relatively close by a Whole Foods, yet I’ve always felt intimidated by it.  To me, it was where rich and snobby people would drive to in their Audi station wagons, wearing their sweater vests and corduroys and make snide remarks about the ripeness of the a papaya or how lacking the brie is.  It seemed like a place where fun was never allowed, smiling was frowned upon, and sales were never utilized because, well, if you shop at Whole Foods all the time, you probably aren’t worrying about pinching pennies and seeing what’s on sale.  Today was a big day for me, because I chose to go on a top secret mission into Whole Foods and go shopping to experience how the wealthy lived.  It was like the lifestyles of the rich and the boring grocery shopping edition.

Maybe I had a negative outlook on Whole Foods from the start.  My dad goes shopping there every now and then for steaks which are normally good, but I just never cared for the chain itself.  A certain friend who shall remain anonymous once set me up on a blind date with a girl she met at Whole Foods once.  There was no second date.  The only thing I knew going into this hell of a grocery store was to stay away from the women, or keep them away from me which isn’t really all that hard.  Anyways, my main purpose to go there was because I was craving sushi and I know they have relatively good sushi.  Also, as much fun as college was for my four years, my body kind of hates me for it. My AIM screen name in my middle school-early high school years was EPzSlimJim.  After four years in college it would now be more like EPzGottalose10lbsJim.  Point being, I guess it’s time to start weaning myself off of the Macaroni and Cheese and eat some more salads for now.  Whole Foods seemed like the perfect place to look for food with no taste yet good for you. 

Anyways, I walk in to the place and immediately notice a man wearing a powdered wig.  I honest to God wish I was making this up but I’m not.  It would be one thing to see a man in a powdered wig in Whole Foods wearing a costume, like if he were a George Washington impersonator at some historical museum or something, but no, this guy was in jeans, a nifty little pullover with a Brown University emblem on it, and a powdered wig.  I almost turned around and went out the door upon seeing this.  After realizing that I had stopped dead in my tracks and that I should lift my jaw up from the floor, I moved on to finding the coveted sushi.  While making my way through herds of other nerds, I realized that I didn’t know one brand that was being sold of anything.  This started to freak me out.  I finally got to the sushi and was dismayed to see that they didn’t have my damn California rolls there, so I settled with a cucumber and brown rice roll. Yawn. I decided to browse a bit to see what exactly the elite people of the East Side like to shop for, and I couldn’t have been any more freaked out.  Everything was sugar free, gluten free, light this, zero that, low sodium, lower calories, organic times ten, blah blah blah.  I understand the need to eat healthy, but all these things would make the majority of people stay away from these items. 

After being bombarded with tofu samples, I ran into some girls around my age who were debating the pros and cons of various types of skim milk, which just kind of made me sad.  These girls were in the utmost hipster mode.  Knit hats, combat boots, odd printed leggings and semi-emo haircuts, they were probably ex-employees of American Apparel at one point.  Hearing this interaction go on as I was looking for any frozen food that would appeal to me (nothing did) just furthered my rule of not talking to any females I run into at Whole Foods.  If these girls could get into a pros and cons list over various types of skim milk, then who knows what else they were capable of making petty things into arguments.  On a side note, do people really notice differences between various skim milks?  I have to call shenanigans on that.  These girls made me weep for the future.  This was like my own private Twilight Zone taking place in the form of grocery shopping.  I really was at a crossroads when I noticed that the deli guys didn’t give out any free cheese samples, much to my dismay.  Some of my favorite moments growing up was getting a slice of cheese from the deli guys while grocery shopping with my dear mother.  Whole Foods made me feel like you’d be kindly yet firmly asked to leave if you asked for a free slice of cheese.  Everything was so backwards, yet everyone else seemed to be happy.  I don’t get if shoppers of Whole Foods are just into their own lifestyle or if they all have been brainwashed to consider it a true grocery shopping experience.  Call me old fashioned, but how good of a grocery store can you be if you walk through the snack aisle and not pick anything up due to pure disgust?

After picking up some pistachios, soy sauce, some thai noodle bowl and the sushi for a whopping 35$, I realized that Whole Foods is kind of lame.  Some people say it’s for the rich, some say it’s for hipsters, vegetarians, health food freaks, but I say it’s for the pathetic.  I am a firm believer that food is meant to be enjoyed, and grocery stores should help this out.  Whole Foods just seems like a lifestyle where people pay way too much money for less taste.  The only thing I learned tonight was that brown rice in sushi is very lackluster, shoppers at Whole Foods wear powdered wigs, girls argue over skim milk, and pistachios are really expensive. 

So I Finally Saw Breakfast at Tiffany's: A Review

In a shockingly ironic twist that would makes hipsters across the globe proud, contrary to popular belief, I never saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until two nights ago.  I really don’t know why it took me so long to do so, but I just never really got around to it.  I thought the movie would be about Audrey Hepburn being a rich socialite named Tiffany and the movie was about her awesome life hobnobbing with the rich, the famous, and the beautiful in New York City.  Clearly I was wrong about this assumption.  Now here are my thoughts/movie review of the only film worthy of enough for me to make a mockery of with the naming of this blog. 

Holly Golightly- What the hell kind of a last name is Golightly?  Is this supposed to be a realistic sounding last name?  I understand that Holly was poor and on the run since she was 14, but if you’re going to use a fake name why on earth would you use such an odd last name that stands out when you’re trying to be hiding from your past?  It just doesn’t fit.  I mean sure, Holly Golightly is a pretty awesome sounding name, but not when you’re trying to pull off your best Carmen San Diego impression in life.  Actually now that I think about it, Carmen San Diego isn’t really a good name when you’re trying to be incognito either.  Further adding to the confusion, she picks an absurd name like Holly Golightly for herself, but she can’t come up with a name for her cat, choosing to call it Cat?  This is troubling. 

Moving on, Holly kind of surprised me with how much of a gold digging tramp she turned out to be.  She basically dumped her first husband who was about 60 years older than she was to get rich.  As a young man who hopes to one day be happily married and a true family man, it sickens me to hear that Holly would just go for the money and live a life without true love.  What a fraud.  If Holly Golightly were around today, she would be one of those girls to date an asshole, post a Facebook status about how there are no good guys out there in the world and she only dates assholes, and then proceed to keep on dating assholes instead of going for genuinely nice and caring dudes.  The way she had poor Paul wrapped around her finger was quite disheartening.  Don’t even get me started on how she dumped Cat out of a running cab into a back alley.  It seemed to me that Ms. Golightly, if you can even call her that, has relationship issues and a few screws lose upstairs.  In a sense, Holly Golightly seems like the type of girl who would be the cause of kids to form emo bands.  What a weirdo. 

Paul- Paul was a sucker from the start.  Essentially you’re a writer who gets paid to sleep with a disgruntled yet rich housewife.  With that going for him, it was almost too easy to see him fall for and get his heart trampled on by Holly.  Let’s face it, he had no chance.  His only source of income was whoring himself out, which isn’t good when you’re trying to land a gold digger.  Great job Paul.  I also didn’t care for how easily influenced he was by Holly.  He became all reckless and even stole from a 5 and 10 cent store just because Holly told him it was something he had never done.  I’ve never kidnapped a small child and sold him/her on the black market, and I don’t think I would start doing that just because Holly Golightly told me to.  This being said, I am a fan of Holly’s YOLO, therefore, DGAF lifestyle.  Much respect in that department.  Paul is just sad to watch throughout this whole movie. 

That Whole Marriage Thing- So Holly got married when she was 14 to a horse doctor who was about 70? Yeah that’s not weird or anything.  How is that even legal?  It’s not like he was even a good looking or charming horse doctor.  He was exactly what I would imagine a horse doctor to look like.  Can you imagine being married at the age of 14?  Sounds awful.  High school was hard enough being a bachelor nevermind having the ol’ ball and chain waiting for you as you got back home after a tough day in geometry class.   

 

The Mob- Arguably the strangest part of the movie is that Holly is passing along drug trafficking information for a jailed mobster named Sally Tomatoes.  I’m not sure what the bigger crime here is: drug trafficking or the fact that a character’s name is Sally Tomatoes.  Was Truman Capote on drugs when he wrote this?  Well, probably, but you know what I mean.  This whole mob and drug thing kind of came out of nowhere, but along with that, stealing cartoon masks out of a store, and the fact that a white guy was cast as the Japanese landlord, crime seemed to be an underlying presence throughout the movie.  By the way, if a white guy were ever cast as a Japanese man today a war would probably break out.  Imagine the Rush Hour movies if Chris Rock was paired up with a white dude pretending to be Japanese?  Actually that does seem somewhat appealing in an odd way, but bottom line is that it just wouldn’t work and it would piss off a lot of people. 

 

In the end, I was kind of confused when the movie was over.  I found myself just staring with a Jim Halpert-like face at the screen when ‘The End’ showed up on my TV.  I just couldn’t comprehend the fact that the movie ended with Holly getting bailed out of jail, gets dumped by her Brazilian playboy fiancé, turns down Paul, throws her Cat out of a cab, gets bitched out by Paul, retrieves the Cat and makes out with Paul in the pouring rain.  Some might call it a happy ending, but I believe that standing in a rainstorm while being reunited with your unstable crush who will be soon be on trial for drug trafficking isn’t really ‘happy’.  It kind of sounds like a bleak future to me.  Anyways, I give it a B, which translates to about 1.5 thumbs up or 3 stars out of 5 if you prefer those ratings.  I will say though, it will be nice to finally say yes to the question “have you even seen that movie?” when I tell people what my blog’s name is. 

Grand Theft Wally!

So today Wally the Green monster, the kinda but not really beloved mascot of the Boston Red Sox was stolen.  It came out a few minutes ago that it was a ‘misunderstanding’ and the costume has been recovered, but I’m calling bullshit on that.  They’re trying to keep that under wraps.  To be honest, this is the most exciting thing about the Red Sox season this year.  This team sucks.  For the first time in my life I actually want them to lose and be embarrassed every single night.  Anywho, here is my list of the possible suspects of “Wally-Gate”.

1. Kevin Youkilis-  What’s the best way to get revenge on your old team, after becoming public enemy number 1 and accused of being the clubhouse ‘snitch’ by Josh Beckett when the story about the abundance of fried chicken and beer being consumed by our starting pitchers became public knowledge.  Youk had this planned the whole time.  Will Middlebrooks is gonna start over me?  Well I’m gonna take that stupid, pathetic excuse for a mascot and do away with him.  The Red Sox screwed over Youk, and this was his way of exacting revenge. 

2. Curt Schilling- What better way to earn some cash to start paying back the state of Rhode Island for his crappy video game company going bankrupt than holding Wally the Green Monster for ransom at gunpoint?  It’s a brilliant plan.  Sneak into Fenway, start talking to Wally, then get some of his 38 Studios cronies to grab him and throw him in the back of a truck.  I’m sure Schilling could have made this plan after watching a mixture of scenes from Taken, The Town and the hit tv show 24 in order to plot and pull it off flawlessly.  Upon his capture, Schilling would hold him at gunpoint in a room somewhere in Boston, sending Mayor Menino a livefeed of his prisoner, and demand millions of dollars to make up for all the money he screwed the taxpayers of Rhode Island out of.  Brilliant plan.

3. Bobby Valentine-  My thought here is that he has been looking for ways to get himself fired instead of quitting, and this was a surefire way to get fired, only it backfired.  He probably did it in this disguise as well:

4. Dave Roberts- I mean after all, he was pretty damn good at stealing bases.  Am I right, Yankees fans?  Dave Roberts, much like Cat Woman, made a name for himself by stealing things.  Bored by stealing just bases and retirement, he decided to spice up his life by stealing a mascot, and who better than stupid Wally?

5. El Pres from Barstool Sports-  Finally fed up with this team and giving himself the ability to get a huge scoop on the rest of the web and Boston media outlets, Dave Portnoy decided to take matters into his own hands and steal Wally.  Keep reading bitches. 

6.  John Lackey-  Just because I hate him more than anything on the planet.  Nothing good has happened since we signed him.  He has no soul.  He would steal a mascot that only kids kinda like.  What a dick. 

7. Nomar Garciaparra- Always a cranky bastard.  He always hated fun, and the media circus in Boston.  He’s been away from Beantown for a few years now, so what better way to toy with the Boston media than to steal something as ridiculous and comical as Wally?  He probably had Mia Hamm driving the getaway car. 

8. Theo Epstein-  Remember a few years ago when Theo was leaving the Sox to go save the world or something and he decided to evade the press by leaving Fenway in a Gorilla costume?  My guess is that he’s done such a shitty job with the Chicago Cubs that he was planning on doing a similar thing leaving Wrigley Field, but his creative juice just isn’t flowing as well as it did a few years ago.  Instead of a normal, nonbaseball-related costume, Theo went with the mascot of his former team, thinking it would be a good way to deflect attention from himself.  Boy was he wrong.  Hope he get’s someone good for Ryan Dempster or else he’s screwed. 

9. Matt Damon- He was so pissed off that he wasn’t cast in The Town that he just had to take matters into his own hands.  He channeled his inner Jason Bourne and singlehandedly made it into Fenway and captured Wally, with plans to throw him into the Charles River. 

10. Wally Himself-  It wasn’t so much a kidnapping as a cry for help.  He walked out of Fenway on his own terms because even he, a cartoonish green monster with orange eyebrows and hailing from the wall in left field, can’t take this current Boston Red Sox team and how pathetic they are.  Good job boys, you’ve been so lackluster and piss-poor that even Wally the Fucking Green Monster can’t watch you guys anymore.  You all should be ashamed. 

There you have it.  One of these scenarios had to happen.  My money is on John Lackey that asshole.  Hopefully this Grand Theft Wally will turn things around for the Sox, but let’s face it, we suck this year. 

California Dreaming Part 1: I Survived Comic-Con 2012

San Diego. Beautiful, lovely city. Home of the fictional yet much adored Ron Burgundy. A city with a mediocre at best baseball team. The city where the words 'bad' and 'weather' are never together in a sentence. San Diego. The home to Comic Con.


There I was, about halfway through the Kirwan family vacation. We started in Los Angeles and drove down to San Diego for three nights. Little did we know that we chose an interesting three nights to stay in San Diego, because during our stay, the world famous Comic Con was being set up, and the hoards of diehard comicbook lovers were coming to town. There I was, sitting alone in a bar in downtown San Diego my first night there, harmless really. Just me and my bottle of Newcastle, people watching at the bar and watching the latest on the Dwight Howard trade saga that is currently pissing off the world. My parents were in bed, my sister was underage, so there I was, a man in an unknown city with a good bar scene, during Comic Con. I was just there, thinking about the fact that I really needed a haircut, when all of a sudden someone sits at the bar to my right.  Being the friendly and sociable person that I am, I turned and looked at my new neighbor, only to be put in an utter state of amusement, puzzlement, sadness and shock.  Instead of the nice possibility of a gorgeous young woman, I laid my eyes upon a Storm Trooper.  You know, like from Star Wars?  The guys in the white costumes with the weird looking helmets.  There’s like a million of them but they couldn’t take down Harrison Ford, a jedi, a bear, two robots and Carrie Fisher.  Those guys.  Anyways, I’m sitting at this bar with this Storm Trooper next to me, who honestly looked sad.  I don’t know how since he still had his mask on, but I could just tell he was sad.  He was kind of hunched over, looking at his Storm Trooper boots, and he just looked sad.  Meanwhile, I’m too confused to look away, so I’m just staring at this poor guy.  He ends up ordering a drink, still with the mask on, and only lifts up his mask, letting it rest on the top of his head, so he can take a sip of beer, putting the mask back on as he is done with his sip of Bud Light.  It was one of the strangest moments in my life, but it was an important one. 

From the brief reveals of his face that he gave, he looked like a man in his mid 40’s, somewhat balding and with a goatee.  After a few minutes, another guy, dressed as C3PO, just kidding, he wasn’t really dressed as C3PO, just normal clothing, sat next to him and started chatting him up.  I couldn’t resist myself from listening in.  This is where everything changed.  The normal clothed man, after a few questions, came right out and said, “So, I just have to ask, why do you wear the costume out at night?  You don’t care about what other people think?”.  This question seemed almost scripted, but the response was brilliant.  Storm Trooper Joe says (and I’m paraphrasing this, but I do remember most of it) “No not really.  Comic Con gives guys like me a bit of hope.  It’s a place where we can truly be who we want to be.  I’ve been a Star Wars fan since I was about 10, and it’s been a big part of me.  This time of year is my favorite because it’s the easiest time for me to blend in, while showing off the real me, which is a giant Star Wars fan.  As for other people, like at this bar, they may see me and make jokes, but honestly I feel completely comfortable right here in this costume.  Here I’m a Storm Trooper.  I can’t say that when I’m at work or out at restaurants and stuff like that.  I get to be myself.”  Preach on Storm Trooper man, preach on. 



Before going on, just a quick explanation of what Comic Con is for those of you who don’t know.  Basically it takes place every year in San Diego at the Convention Center, and it’s a gather of all different sorts of comicbook, anime, TV and movies, along with the companies promoting them.  Over the past few years it has really taken off and more and more celebrities have been making appearances (for instance, Christian Bale was signing autographs, the cast of Big Bang Theory was there, previews and trailers for upcoming shows and movies were shown).  Essentially it is a huge fanfest nowadays with thousands of people showing up.  Many dress in costume, which were creepy/funny/awesome/dumb depending on the costumes.  Needless to say, San Diego was a zoo for the few nights I was there, and that was only the beginning of the convention.  Now back to the Storm Trooper’s wise words.  


To be very honest, I was taken aback at how awesome of a response it was that this man gave.  The normal clothed man liked it too and bought him his next drink.  I actually wanted to say something to him myself but I really didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know much about Comic Con beforehand, and certainly not how big/popular it was.  But seeing these people in their costumes and seeing people truly love these various TV shows, movies, superheroes, comicbook characters, etc. really stood out to me.  I consider myself very big into music, but this made me realize that I am nowhere near as big into music as this Storm Trooper was into Star Wars.  This kind of made me happy for this guy.  This was his week to shine on and blend in with people who were just like him.  I will admit, it was odd seeing some of the costumes, some of which were awesome in their detail and design, and some were just laughable, such as one dude I saw with a Smokey The Bear costume.  If Smokey counts as a superhero, then he’s worse than that bitch Aquaman.  Anyways, it would be very easy to make jokes about how many of them lived in their mother’s basements and blah blah blah, but I’m not going to do that.  Instead, I am going to give a shoutout to Storm Trooper Joe, for making me and the normal clothes man realize that Comic Con may be a laughing matter to most of the world, but to some people, it’s truly a time that they cherish, and a place where they can feel like their true selves, without having to feel shame or nervous to do so.  I think that in a world today with so many people trying to be who they aren’t, we all need our own Comic Con at some point to just not care about what other people think, and to be ourselves. 

As for San Diego, it was a city that truly surprised me.  It was gorgeous, the people were friendly and it's a great scene down there.  Special thanks to Johnny Frese for taking me out on the town that one night.  Hope that tattoo came out alright man.  If I were you, I'd visit San Diego if you have the opportunity.  It's an underrated city with a lot going on.  This is part 1 of a probably 3 or 4 part series on my California experience, so please stay tuned.