Killing Time and Spittin Rhyme

After being at college for almost 2 years now, one of the best and most valuable skills I've gained is the ability to kill time. I find myself bored in my dorm late at night and need to do something to keep myself occupied, sort of like kids with ADD. Now because I'm bored and in my dorm at night, I've decided to blog about things that I would normally do to keep myself occupied. These things can also be called distractions, so I'll just make it a list of the top Time Killer/Distractions of all time.

10. Twitter- I'll be honest, I thought Twitter was one of the dumbest things invented when it first came out, sort of like when Jersey Shore debuted. After getting one, I realized that, like Jersey Shore, it actually isn't all that bad and can get somewhat addicting. Twitter may be pointless, and I'm sure that most people couldn't careless about what I'm doing at this very moment, but people do care about what Shaq, DJ Pauly D, Chad Ochocinco and Conan O'Brien are doing at this very moment. Twitter is dumb, but it's a good dumb. For instance, just the other day I tweeted about surviving Stoolapalooza and mentioned Sammy Adams in it. He actually took the time to mention me in a tweet and respond saying how ill the concert was. This means I can tell my grandkids that Sammy Adams tweeted me back in 2010. That'll show 'em.

9. Robot Unicorn Attack- Hopefully the majority of you will not know what this is. I am going to provide the link to the funnest game you will ever play. It consists of a game where you are a robot unicorn and you run and jump during a magical level, destroying stars and watching out for cliffs. If you are looking for a distraction or a time killer, click this link after you finish reading this blogpost and start playing. If you need to do something important in the upcoming week, for the love of God, don't click this link. You will never look at robots, unicorns, 80's synthpop bands and rainbows ever again after this game. Enjoy. Robot Unicorn Attack

8. Writing Rap Songs- If I don't have a future in Rap then I've wasted 1/4 of my life for nothing. If I do have a future in Rap then I'm set.

7. Call of Duty- Maybe this is just a guy thing, but many young men these days love to kill people through xbox 360. I have to guess that it's because of all the pent up frustration and anger due to the fact that the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows movie keeps getting pushed back, and the fact that Destiny's Child hasn't gone on tour in a while. Call of Duty allows people to kill people and just watch them respawn in a matter of seconds to be killed again. It's nice to wake up and start sniping your roommate and getting bonus points for headshots. There's simply nothing like sitting in a dorm with three other bros and watching an absolute display of carnage and death on a TV screen, especially when you know you have to read The Communist Manifesto. I've come to learn that priorities get confused when you're in college.

6. Seasons of 24- I realize that not many of you can relate to this, but for myself, Ryan "Wild Bill's Kid" Urkiel and Steve "The One Lung Wonderboy" Sheridan, 24 has been a staple of our lives the past two months. Jack Bauer has virtually turned my room into a Quad because he's in here on my TV so often. Learning about the theology, philosophy, history and literature related to the Development of Western Civilization will never be more important than Jack Bauer shooting terrorists and saving the world all in the span of 24 hours. Watch one season of 24 and tell me you don't want to see what happens in season 2. I've spent many a night watching hours and hours of Jack Bauer, and I don't regret any of it.

5. The Food Network- Let's be honest. Nobody on this planet hates the Food Network. You might hate a certain show or host, like that goddamn Barefoot Contessa or that witch Paula Deen, but overall, you know that you will watch the Food Network if nothing else is on and you will like it. You want to know where the local Diners, Dives and Drive-Ins just as bad as you want to have a meal prepared for you by an Iron Chef. If I have to write a paper there is a 20% chance that I'll turn on the Food Network instead, and pray that I get to catch a glimpse of that Giada Delaurentis. It's safe to say that Giada Delaurentis is a contender to be the future Mrs. James Kirwan. Thank you Food Network.

4. Hallway Shenanigans- I've witnessed crazy things occur in the hallways here at Providence College, and each and every thing I've witnessed has been distracting. I've seen dominant frisbee games take place in the hallway, kids taken out on stretchers, skulls cracked open, dodgeball, choreographed dances, press conferences for scrabble cheaters, bulletin boards covered in printed out pictures of porn, and chair races have take place in the storied halls of McDermott and Aquinas halls. Hallway shenanigans also can take place when my friends and I shout awful things to people walking through the quad. I love being in my building because we get a full view of the quad. It's so relaxing to tell a freshman you have never met before that his mother has scurvy by screaming at the top of your lungs through your window. It's also nice to compliment on her extremely short skirt by shouting it when they walk by. It's a highlight in my day when I can scream to a group of girls sunbathing in the quad that the kid who just walked up to them looks like McLovin from SuperBad. It's also lovely to scream at tourguides you're friends with while they are giving a tour to people. It's really amazing to see the looks on the tourguide's face and the parents and prospective freshmen when you hear "YEAH [insert name here] GIVE THAT TOUR! YEAH GIRL GIVE THAT TOUR!". Am I sort of an asshole for doing this? Maybe, but when else in my life can I do this and get away with it? That's what I thought.

3. Sporcle- Sporcle is a truly amazing website. It's essentially a bunch of games that asks questions like "Can you name the top 10 grossing movies at the box office in 2003?", or "Name all the Pokemon", or figuring out movies by their antonyms (ex. Yes State for Young Women=No Country for Old Men, Save Phil=Kill Bill, The Satanmother=The Godfather or Relax. at the Library=Panic! at the Disco). These quizzes are mostly simple, but you will always find yourself coming up short each and every time until you get so crazy that you want to jump out of your window or watch The Notebook. Sporcle is also great for learning useless facts. In fact, I've learned more this semester from Sporcle than my 4 current classes combined. I've always had a knack for keeping useless knowledge stored in my mind. If I could put my talent of remembering dumb, useless stuff to remembering useful and important stuff, I would be rich, better looking and a genius. It's sad that I can name every single Stanley Cup Champion since 1927 but couldn't tell you more than 15 elements on the Periodic Table. Sporcle is a wonderful distraction although it may get you stressed thinking about who the last 2 out of the 7 dwarves were.

2. Youtube- Today I learned how to sail a boat, saw a live performance of a concert I was at this past Friday, an old commercial for Ring Pops, a WWF match from Raw back in 1998 between The Undertaker and Stone Cold, some Alexander Ovechkin highlights, the music video to Paul Oakenfold and Adolf Hitler covering Biggie Smalls' "Where Brooklyn At" at a speech back in '39. Youtube is awesome. There is one genre of videos that must receive special attention, as my roommate Matt Rizzini reminded me, and that genre is cartoon dubs or voice overs. Want some good examples? Watch this, this and this. Honestly watch those videos, if you don't laugh then you have no sense of humor at all. If you find them offensive then just get over it and grow up. How else can you see Bert and Ernie reenacting the Desert scene in Casino with Pesci and Deniro without even trying? Did ya think you would be able to see Transformers say awful, horrible things to other Transformers in cartoon form? Hell no you didn't. Cartoon dubs would make guys like Rodney Dangerfield proud. Anyways, the point is that youtube is such a source of randomness that it is amazing. I've heard that people get lost for days in youtube, and you know what? I believe it. Youtube is the second best timekiller/waste of time.

1. Facebook- It almost pains me to put this here because it is just too obvious. Facebook is by far the greatest distraction/timekiller of all time. It's pathetic, I know, but admit it, if you're doing a four page paper on the life of Betsy Ross, you know you will check your facebook for sweet notifications at least ten times. You just can't wait to see the pictures from Tiffany's Toga party to see who it was you danced with and if it was a mistake or not. You know that if you have absolutely nothing to do, you are going to look at the status of that freak back in 6th grade who gave you a rose on Valentine's Day to see if he really did get that moped he was talking about. Everybody needs to catch up with everybody, and facebook gives you that opportunity to be nosy. Facebook let's us be internet Sherlock Holmes', finding out stuff about our friends, catching up the latest gossip, and becoming a fan of "Justin Bieber Suckssss". Who knows, you might be able to meet your new girlfriend on facebook, judging her only by her three profile pictures and the fact that you both don't live in Kentucky. Facebook is a wonderful thing. It is not wonderful however, when you have papers to do, meetings to attend and material to study.

As for shoutouts go, two weeks ago I had a latenight contest on Facebook. I posted a link to the wikipedia page for East Providence High School and asked "If anybody finds out why I posted this, tell me why and you'll get a shoutout". The winner was fellow Friar Jake Pirri, who answered correctly with "you're mentioned in the Famous Alumni section of East Providence High School". It's true, for a full day I was a proud member of the East Providence High school's Famous Alumni club. It's a shame that after I posted the link, 4 other fellow Townies decieded to do the same thing and add themselves to the page, thus all of us getting knocked out of the page by the person who really did create the wikipedia page for good ol' EP High. Oh well, I'll be back in that section someday soon. Another shoutout goes to Sean Mottola for giving me a topic of Sporcle, which turned into the top 10 Timekillers/Distractions of all time. Another shoutout goes to the beautiful Emily McManus, for always being a wonderful friend, amazing pastry chef and overall wonderful person. Finally, a very special shoutout to Marge "Sarah/Meg/Marge/Margret/Peg/Sasha" Haverinen, Andrew "Crazy Legs" Caine, Chelsea "I Went to Prom With Jim Kirwan" Hannaway (sup baby girl) and my main man Kyle "The Dial" Towne for responding to my status "anyone who responds to this in the next 5 minutes gets a free shoutout". Isn't facebook amazing?

Eternally yours,
Jimothy