Pop Culture Madness! Elite 8

Holy smokes, you guys.  Is it just me or are we down to 8 competitors left?  I guess we're down to 8 competitors left.  What a tournament so far.  I think everyone who reads this is probably wondering how in the blue hell Judge Judy has made it so far, and I'm with you.  It just goes to show how absurd the 1st Annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness bracket has been, and that it needs to come back next year.  The unpredictability is at an all time high, which means that the following 4 matchups should be a real doozy.  Our judges (panelists?  Guys, seriously, which sounds better?)  include dear friend Frank "Take It To The Bank" Gassert, Q, my roommate Matt "Alabama Slamma" Gaynor, Angela "Killer" Ju, Wade "Cannonball" Zawatsky, 'Hurricane' Annik Spencer and 'Dammit' Tyler Blatchley.  Also, before we start, may we all take a moment to pay tribute to the legendary Ultimate Warrior.  Without him, the world is a more boring place.

I would also like to start things off with an introduction from my good friend and drinking buddy, Q:

"Rock bottom.  There are many that think they have been there, but the only ones who truly know what it means are those who have gone past it; below the rock and below the crust, all the way down to the molten lava and have felt its agonizing and inescapable burn.  I discovered this when I was asked to write for Jim Kirwan's blog and I said, 'Yes.'".

Thank you, Q, for those touching words.  Now, without further ado, here are the match ups for the Elite 8.  May the odds forever be in your brackets favor.  Or whatever that quote is.  I haven't seen the Hunger Games.


1.  Bald Britney Spears vs. WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant:

 

(watch at 2:33 for the full effect)

• Frank the Tank: "Britney is hot.  No matter what type of haircut she has.  However, do I think Daniel Bryan is hotter?  Yes!"
• Tyler:"I'm gonna have to go with the obvious here and pick Daniel Bryan."
• Hurricane Annik:"If I say WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant will you stop posting about it on social media and refrain from sending snap chats every Sunday morning where you're chanting YES!!! too hungover to function?  Get your life together, Jim."
• EDITOR'S NOTE: "No."
• Gaynor:"YES.  Because Jim loves it."
• Wade:"Britney taught us all that it's ok to not have hair.  This is a lesson that I, and many other poor souls like me, will be leaning on sooner rather than later.  Hit me baby one more time (with some Rogaine)."
• Angela:"I choose the YES chant because even though I was opposed to it initially, the movement has entered my life whether I like it or not.  I've learned that it's better to embrace it than to fight it.  And I think Britney looks better with hair."
• Q:"It's hard to compare things that have nothing in common.  When Jim sent me all the matchups for his Elite Eight I knew it would be like squeezing water from a stone.  When I saw this one in particular, I abandoned the idea of trying to be funny and just wanted to write something that would make sense.  The winner in this round is Daniel Bryan's YES!!! chant.  It won because it is a call to action with a positive message.  It's happy mantra for thousands of fans.  What could be more positive than the affirmative?  Wrestling fans may remember a few years back when Daniel Bryan (still a heel at the time) dabbled with the short-lived 'No!!!' chant.  It did not have the same effect.  The reason Britney's bald head is the loser is because it's the exact opposite of the chant.  It is the physical embodiment of rock bottom, which was explained above.  It was sad to see the unraveling of this young superstar.  It was sadder still to see the way people reveled in her rapid decline.  I see shreds of the same thing in the public's gleeful anticipation of Justin Bieber's impending doom.  Britney seems to be doing okay these days, which is good.  Hopefully Daniel Bryan's 'Yes!!!' chant victory over her bald noggin will help us to forget this ugly period in her very public life and help us to remember her as the teenie-boppin' sex kitten that we all knew and loved.  But if we refuse to acknowledge her highs and continue to dwell on, and take pleasure in her lows, then maybe it really is time to leave Britney alone."

• Winner: When you're hot, you're hot, and the Yes Movement is en fuego right now.  Did it just beat Bald Britney Spears 6-1?  YES.  YES it did. 

2.  Kel Mitchell vs. Blue Ivy Carter:

• Hurricane Annik:"Blue Ivy Carter because she was produced by the King and Queen of the World and was the first and probably only newborn baby to be included as back up in a song before she was a week old.  Wait and she also has a multi-million dollar nursery in the Barclays.  Did I mention Beyonce?  Because I think that needs to be mentioned again."
• Gaynor:"Blue Ivy Carter.  Cause her name screams 'swag'."
• Wade:"I pity Blue Ivy.  I really do.  There is no way in hell she will ever live up to the expectations people will put on her.  I mean Hova plus Beyonce literally equals destiny's child.  The kid could grow up to be a secret agent astronaut that assassinates Vladimir Putin and she still wouldn't live up to what people will expect out of her.  And rightfully so.  Anything short of a Grammy by her 4th birthday is a failure.  Gotta go with the Repair-Man-Man-Man-Man on this one."
• Angela:"100% Blue Ivy because she is a goddess' creation AKA Beyonce.  And I don't know who Kel Mitchell is..."
• Tyler:"Kel Mitchell because I had to google to see who Blue Ivy Carter was.  Poor kid."
• Frank the Tank:"Kel Mitchell- the dude who puts his secret sauce into cheeseburgers to make them taste good, aka Kenan's better half has likely fallen on some hard times as of late.  However, due to the fact that I had to google what a 'Blue Ivy Carter' was when Jim sent this over to me, the king of orange soda wins this tilt."
• Q:"This is an even harder matchup to pick than the last and not because the participants are so different or so similar, but because they are so irrelevant to anything.  I figured that I had my finger pretty well on the pulse of popular culture but Jim stumped me on this one.  I had to look up who each of these people are.  It turns out that one is a grown man and the other is a baby.  If I were a firefighter and I had to choose one to save this would be an easy choice.  I would undoubtedly pick the baby.  That would be the heroic thing to do.  Luckily I am not a hero, which is why I'm hunched over a computer contributing to a pop culture blog instead of running into burning buildings.  The winner is Kel Mitchell.  He is the winner strictly for the nostalgic feeling that he gives people.  Adults look back on his show and realize how corny and unfunny it was but still seem to enjoy it.  What we are really laughing at when we think about the show is how we could ever have been entertained by something so grating and stupid.  There is also a sense of shared childhood experience that his and all the other shitty Nickelodeon TV shows give people, which is actually kind of depressing when you think about it.  Had he been competing with anyone other than a baby, he most certainly would have lost."

• Winner: Kel Mitchell takes his orange soda and good burger into the Final 4 with a close victory over that Baby Blue 4-3.  Kel Mitchell is the current feel good story of this tournament.  AWWWWWW HERE IT GOES!

3. Judge Judy vs. Jason Bourne:

• Frank the Tank:"How the hell did Judge Judy make it this far.  Does anybody like that lady?  Jason Bourne is one of the most boring, predictable, non-badass protagonists in modern movies, without any awesome catchphrases, yes he has no competition in this matchup so I'll give him the undeserving pity W here."
• Angela:"Jason Bourne because he's badass and I used to have a secret crush on Matt Damon.  And Judge Judy is a meanie."
• Hurricane Annik:"I care about both of these about as much as I care about WWE, so not at all.  I just flipped a coin and Jason Bourne won.  He seems cool so I guess I'm okay with that."
• Gaynor:"Bourne.  Because Judge Judy makes $90 million a year."
• Wade:"I was dreading this matchup.  That is, until I saw this quote from the right honorable judge herself: 'Do you know when a gift becomes a loan?  When the relationship is over.  Have you ever heard that, sir?  Well, neither have I.  I just made it up.  I'm going to put it on coffee mugs'.  I mean not only did the woman just absolutely decimate that poor white trash bastard while simultaneously coining a multimillion dollar phrase Forest Gump style, but I'd be willing to bet you my goat that you just read that quote in her voice. When I think of Matt Damon all I hear is the voice of a mentally deficient puppet in Team America.  Score one for Judy."
• Tyler:"When I read this lineup the first thing that came to my mind was 'who would you rather do?', and honestly I'd do Judge Judy."
• Q:"This is probably the easiest matchup to pick.  Two characters paired up with one another and I just have to determine who is the more iconic figure in popular culture.  The clear winner is Judge Judy.  The Bourne movies are cool and Matt Damon is pretty good when he doesn't have a Boston accent and when he isn't telling us how we are murdering Mother Nature.  That being said, if you took a poll of everyone in the world, I'd bet that you would find that Judge Judy is far more recognizable than the fictional character of Jason Bourne and more recognizable than Matt Damon, himself.  She's on TV every day all over the world.  She's also a real judge and has been one of the highest paid (if not the highest paid) women on television for decades.  My final reason for picking her is that 20 years from now people will still remember Judge Judy.  I don't know if you could say the same for Jason Bourne.  I mean he's no James Bond."

• Winner: Jason Bourne 4-3.  Holy smokes.  Was Judge Judy really one vote and swing of a gavel away from getting into the Final 4?  Some things just don't make sense.  Congrats to' Mr. Personality' Jason Bourne! 

4. Buffalo Chicken vs. Bill Murray:

• Frank the Tank:"Toughest call of the night right here.  What makes buffalo chicken so great is its versatility.  Sandwiches, wraps, pizza, taquitos... no matter how it's served, it's going to be delicious.  With that being said, there are only about 4 people (Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, MacGruber and Timothy Olyphant) capable of putting themselves in the same class as Bill Murray.  On a side note, instead of having kids take ethics and morality classes in school, they should be forced to watch Groundhog Day and write reports on it....over and over again.  Awesome movie.  Also, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is a great movie too, I have to watch that again sometime soon (I know Bill Murray isn't in it but it's still a good movie).  Getting back to the point at hand here, Bill Murray wins, and he should take home the title easily..."
• Gaynor:"Bill Murray.  Because he presented the award for 'Best Shooter' at the Oscars."
• Hurricane Annik:"Buffalo chicken even though I don't actually like buffalo chicken.  I know I'm a failure to society and probably not even human for saying that, but I can't stand the taste.  However, I think people's obsession with buffalo chicken is so dramatic that it has to be the winner."
• Wade:"This one boils down to a very simple question: Caddyshack OR deep fried spiced poultry.  It's a no brainer really.  Billy wins every time.  The man's a genius.  He didn't just play the role of Carl Spackler...he transcended it.  I know that all 1.4 million members of the Rizzini clan are simultaneously cursing my name right now and calling for a jihad against me, but it's okay.  I'll be the one to say it.  Bill Murray > Buffalo Chicken.  Say it out loud.  Should it from the roof tops.  Let Bill reign from sea to mother fucking shining sea and pass me the chicken bacon ranch calzone from Izone.  Oh and Space Jam doesn't happen without Bill Murray...Just sayin'."
• Tyler:"This is a tough one.  I love food and comedy.  It's the perfect combination, but I'm gonna have to go with Bill Murray on this one.  Even though I'm having buffalo chicken pizza for dinner tonight."
• Angela:"BUFFALO CHICKEN.  You can put it in a salad, in a sandwich, on a pizza, or by itself!  I will always choose food over anything else."
• Q:"This is a tough one because I like both of these things and also because it makes no sense to compare these two things.  Unfortunately, much like the Bills, it seems that Buffalo just can never win the big one.  The winner is Bill Murray.  With me, I kind of have to be in the mood for Buffalo chicken to enjoy it, whereas I could watch 'What About Bob' or 'Groundhog's Day' anytime and still think they are funny.  Buffalo chicken is also a pretty dominating food and it is tough to have it as a side unless you're a real fatty.  This is another example of why Bill Murray wins this matchup is that he can excel in a supporting role.  If you've ever seen 'Rushmore' or 'Kingpin' then you know what I'm talking about.  Another reason he is the winner is because of a legendary story that I heard.  A friend of a friend (as is always the case in stories like this) was in Chicago and he saw Bill Murray walk past him on the street.  The young man turned around and made some smart-ass comment to Murray.  The star turned his head as he was walking to look at the heckler, but all in all he seemed to take it in stride.  A few hundred feet down the street the young man felt a jolt in his back and was tackled to the ground.  He had just been speared by Bill Murray.  As they were lying on the ground, Murray whispered into his ear, 'No one's ever going to believe this.'  He then stood up and ran off into the night.  I once heard him respond to criticism that he just acts like himself in every movie that he's in.  He told the interviewer that, to a certain extent, it was true.  He didn't really deny that he was being himself, but then added, 'Have you ever tried to just be yourself?  It's really hard.'  I'm probably misquoting here, but that was the gist of what he said and that's why he's moving on to the Final Four."

• Winner: Bill Murray makes his way to the Final 4 with a 5-2 victory.  Tip of the hat for a fine run by Buffalo Chicken.  Maybe next year.  

Finally, Q was nice enough to provide a recap of his selections:

1. Daniel Bryan's 'YES!!!' Chant

2. Kel Mitchell

3. Judge Judy

4. Bill Murray

If Jim is unhappy with my picks, then maybe he should just try writing his own blog posts for a change. - Quentin Staudt

Thank you all for participating in this round, and special thanks to Q, for whatever it is that you just did.  

Pop Culture Madness! Sweet 16

Reality is sinking in.  Here we are, in the 3rd round of the 1st Annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness bracket, with quite the unique and interesting field remaining.  The two big stories here are the emergence of Tandem Bicycles as a true Cinderella story, and the dominance of Kel Mitchell, after winning his matchup with Paris Hilton's DJ Career 7-0.  Basically we have learned that no one is safe here, not even pretty boy badass Ryan Gosling.  I'd like to thank our judges (panelists?  I don't know what sounds better) for this round: Steve "Prime Time" Sheridan, Kyle "The Greek Rooster" Towne, The Artist Now Known as KP, 'Dastardly' Dan Allen who is making his 2nd appearance as a judge this tournament, and the human bracket founder himself, Anthony 'Townie Twan' Leonardo.  Thank you to all the judges for the time and effort.  Now let's get it on!

1. Fez vs. Bald Britney Spears

Dressed to Impress.

• Steve-"Ironic that a fez is actually a dope ass hat made famous during the Ottoman Empire era but seeing as we're talking about Wilmer Valderrama I gotta go with Bald Brit.  Living proof that you can hit rock bottom and claw your way back to the top.  A true beacon of hope."
• Kyle-"Alright.  Well both of these are pretty spicy options.  In my opinion, this isn't even close.  Fez has killer dance moves, has a spot-on Fatso the Clown impression, and not to mention that full head of beautiful hair.  Ha-Burn!"

God Bless Photoshop

• Danny-"Fez was a product of the 1970s as evidenced by the name of the show he was on.  Interestingly enough, the 1970s were a touchy era for race relations in the United States.  Fez probably served as a catalyst for racial harmony in the US.  He was ambiguously foreign; no one really knows his origins.  By not having a background, Fez is able to surpass predisposed ethnic beliefs held by his peers.  I don’t imagine Wisconsin being a very accepting state, especially in the 1970s, but Fez seemed to bridge the racial schism between blacks and whites by being neither.  Bald Britney was but a phase for the pop star.  The phase was certainly her rock bottom and lest we forget that she was coming out of a breakup with her husband and baby daddy, Kevin Federline.  As someone who has been in a relationship once, I understand that both parties can be glass cases of emotion at the conclusion of the relationship.  One possible avenue that has yet to be explored from this era of Britney is the Freaky Friday angle – is it possible that her meltdown with an umbrella, paparazzi, and #1 buzz all around triggered a personality swap between her and K Fed? Since ‘the incident’ K Fed has gained Britney’s baby weight and released some garbage Rhythm and Blues track that he tried to justify by wearing tall tees from Foot Locker and braiding his hair.  Britney has only gone the complete opposite direction by releasing new music, looking great, and resurrecting her career.  I’m not saying a Freaky Friday switch definitely happened, but it’s awfully curious that the idea is immediately dismissed by ‘people.’"
• KP-"Bald Britney really showed us her own vulnerability and made us all able to really identify with her.  She also looked like a cool pop alien.  I also feel like Fez spits when he talks but idk idk."
• Twan-"Bald Brit.  'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to be blonde and skinny again.'"
• Winner: Bald Britney Spears wins 4-1 in what I would have to consider an upset.  Fez is so lovable, but he did not show up this round.  

2. (New WWE World Heavyweight Champion) Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant vs. Skeeter Valentine

• Twan-"Daniel Bryan's YES! chant.  They say no means no but sometimes it's hard to tell."
• Kyle-"I would like to say Skeeter Valentine was rocking the Electric brand long before Rickey Mansfield and Sixpack.  Probably the most unique and awesome cartoon character in cartoon history.  This makes it tough for me to vote against him, but the 'YES!!!' chant is something truly special.  There is no stopping this movement.  Hop on the train while you still can."
• Steve-"A tough one, do you go with the current fad that's spreading faster than an Alabama trailer park fire or a tried and true icon of 90's culture?  Daniel Bryan gave us a new way to celebrate momentous occasions but Skeeter Valentine taught us all how to be a friend.  There will be new ways to celebrate in the future but your friends will be there for all of them.  Skeeter all the way."
• KP-"Skeeter Valentine because when I heard that Mrs. Pacitti said he was her favorite cartoon I made him my favorite cartoon."
• Danny-"I don’t remember Skeeter.  Does that make me a bad person?  No. In fact it has no impact whatsoever on the type of person I am.  But Skeeter’s lack of pop culture staying power is a major factor come Pop Culture Tournament time.  I think Skeeter may be of purple or magenta descent, so apologies to any purple or magenta readers, but your chosen son will not advance.  Put another way, Skeeter was a Cinderella story to make it this far and the clock has struck midnight, the carriage is a pumpkin, and the slipper no longer fits!  In the other corner (just a little wrestling humor, ha!) is a good, no, great Irish boy named Daniel Bryan.  What Daniel Bryan has been able to accomplish through his YES! Movement is truly amazing. As of this writing, he currently has a longer winning streak at Wrestlemania than The Undertaker.  Also, the YES! Movement has gained popularity in feminist circles who believe ‘Consent is Sexy!’ It has not all been peaches and cream for Bryan as he missed out on a huge advertising opportunity this Spring when Bud Light approached him to star in its “Down for Anything?” campaign.  Poor Daniel couldn’t hide his enthusiasm when posed the hypothetical question and couldn't stop shouting YES! in the poor producers’ faces.  At the end of the day, Daniel Bryan has two first names and shouldn’t be trusted, which is exactly why he advances."

High Fashion. Honk Honk.

• Winner: Thankfully, WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant defeated its most formidable opponent yet, Skeeter Valentine, 3-2.  This was a difficult matchup for me to watch, as I respect both these warriors greatly.  

3. George Clooney in Space vs. Kel Mitchell

Looks Interested in Space

• KP-"Kel Mitchell is one of my best friends and the cutest person on the planet so obviously her."
• Kyle-"Blowout.  I could give two shits about stupid George Clooney floating around in stupid space with stupid Sandra Bullock.  Kel Mitchell was the king of wordplay in Good Burger.  Examples: 'Ed, I don't know how to say this.'-Kenan  'Oh, well, you just go, THHIIIIIIISSSSSSSS'-Kel.  'Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?'-Hot Girl 'I like to have dinner every night.'-Kel.  Seroiusly, one of the most pure human beings of all time.  He also did some sweet freestyles for Sprite and the NBA dunk contest."
• Twan-"Kel Mitchell.  Clooney soiled Stacy Keibler."
• Danny-"Let’s not fool ourselves here – this matchup is between Tang and Orange Soda.  It is symbolic of the class struggles in America.  Tang, the astronaut drink, represents elitism and the 1%.  How many public school kids went on to be astronauts or could even afford space camp? Zero (estimated). Orange soda represents blue collar, hard-working, middle class, sugary refreshments.  Orange soda is the 99% and it occupies our hearts.  I’m not going to kid myself here; both George Clooney and Kel Mitchell have stunning good looks. That is an objective observation rooted in facts.  But George Clooney wins everything.  He’s perfect! George Clooney is Duke and Duke is George Clooney and I hate Duke.  Kel Mitchell is for the kids! Kel Mitchell is for America!"
• Steve-"Neil deGrasse Tyson said all that needed to be said about Clooney in space.  If this was a question of whose life would I want to model mine after, Clooney is the no brainer but since its not I'll take Kel.  I'll have an orange soda and a good burger way before I get in a spaceship with Sandra Bullock."

• Winner: Kel Mitchell annihilated George Clooney in Space 5-0.  Kel Mitchell is now 12-0 in voting the past 2 rounds.  Is he the favorite to win it all?  According to the Magic 8 Ball I just found in my desk drawer, the answer is, 'Ask Again Later'.

4. Blue Ivy Carter vs. Tandem Bicycles

Nightmares.

• Steve-"Tandem Bikes no question, but only the ones that have four seats or more.  Any object that turn heads like those bad boys do and let you hang out with your bros is a game changer.  They might as well come with sticks because you're gonna need one to fight off all the ladies that will be flocking to you and your boys."
• Kyle-"Tandem Bicycles.  I'm sick of babies calling the shots."
• Twan-"Blue Ivy.  Affirmative Action."
• KP-"Blue Ivy Carter because like lol tandem bicycles and also Blue Ivy Carter is probably empress of the Illuminati and going to take over the world when she hits puberty."
• Danny-"Blue is a generation’s royalty.  Her parents are elite musicians who have made tons of money and have been wildly successful.  Tandem bicycles were actually created by lonely unicyclists who wanted some company but wanted to maintain their 1:1 wheel to seat ratio.  Because I think unicycles are weird, I will advance BIC, but not before her dirty laundry has been aired.  There is a very real possibility that Kanye West is the godfather of Blue Ivy Carter, meaning that Kim Kardashian would be forced to play a maternal role in BIC’s life, if something were to happen to her parents.  Very scary proposition for the kid.  Also, BIC is really just a generation ahead of Frances Cobain.  Frances hasn’t made any headlines, for better or worse, so don’t expect a Pop Culture Tournament dynasty from BIC.  And lastly, BIC isn’t even Beyonce’s child; she is Destiny’s Child. "

Riding to the Elite 8?

• Winner:  Blue Ivy Carter ends the Cinderella story of Tandem Bicycles, 3-2.  What a showing by Tandem Bicycles.  With the experience they've gained, another possible tourney run...or...ride, I guess...may happen again next year.  

5. Judge Judy vs. Space Jam

Perfectly captured Judy placing her lunch order.

• KP-"Judge Judy for sure because whenever I am in trial class I have grandiose visions of wearing a silk collared shirt under a robe and one of Sarah Pacitti's wigs and yelling at fake defendants about child support."
• Kyle-"Although it has been said that Judge Judy has a fudge booty, Space Jam is a timeless classic.  I actually hope they film a sequel starring LeBron James, because Lord knows he cna't carry a bunch of Looney Toons to win a big game, and once he chokes in the clutch he will be enslaved by alien Danny DeVito and all will be right with the world."
• Twan-"Judy.  The cases are real.  Verdicts are final."
• Danny-"In a topical matchup of 1990s cultural mainstays, daytime family court Judge Judy takes on an exiled gambling basketball player’s Looney Tunes movie.  Judge Judy is a divorced home wrecker with a sharp tongue, apparently (just a little guy humor).  She is famous for being a ruthless on her TV show that somehow still runs.  She hasn’t changed her shtick in 15 years but still advances because of what Space Jam has become.  Every basketball player wants to become the next Jordan.  Once a player begins to approach Jordan on the court, he must also follow in MJ’s off court footsteps.  Most players don’t make it past a signature shoe line.  Unfortunately, LeBron James isn’t most players.  LeBron has had his name floated for a Space Jam sequel and it is a shame.  It shouldn’t happen.  LeBron is too wishy-washy to take a stand against the Monstars.  Just last night, LBJ is on record as being BFFs with John Calipari but spent the whole weekend tweeting about how great Shabazz Napier is – a move that would allow him to hedge his rooting interests.  Last night was a “game” played by “student-athletes” as “amateurs” and LeBron couldn’t even explicitly say who he wanted to win.  When the Intergalactic War comes, I want guys in my foxhole who I can count on.  And LeBron, cannot be counted on.  It will start with something as simple as saying he really likes the way the Monstars pressed against Jupiter’s team in the prior round and then by halftime he’ll be taking his talents to a galaxy far, far away.  In this matchup, court is adjourned and Judy Sheindlin advances."
• Steve-"Now Judge Judy makes about $43 million a year and has a net worth around $150 million, so while I respect the hustle, Space Jam is Space Jam and no grandma with bukubucks is gonna knock it off its pedestal.  Space Jam wins this one from the parking lot"

Hello, Newman.

• Winner:  Judge Judy, somehow, defeats Space Jam 3-2.  I might need new friends after this one.  This was like The Undertaker losing at Wrestlemania all over again.  Jeez.  I'm taking this one pretty hard. 

6. Leo DiCaprio's Nonexistant Oscar vs. Jason Bourne

• Danny-"Leo is one of those actors that is universally loved. Loved by everyone except the Academy.  I’m supposed to feel bad for a guy who literally everyone but a small faction doesn’t like? Sorry, but this is America.  Maybe the USSR will rise again and ration its Oscars and Leo can Crimea River and annex his European villas.  Instead, fictional real American Jason Bourne will advance because he is a war hero and someone who should receive sympathy (if he would even accept it).  Bourne got his identity stolen and memory wiped.  He spends 6 hours (over three movies) trying to recover it and get the girl.  Talk about a Manic Monday! He’s also a trained assassin who is probably the most intimidating Tournament force since young Patrick Ewing at Georgetown in the mid 80s.
• Kyle-"What has Leo even done that's remotely relevant?  I think that the only 'Leo' movie I can think of is 'Don's Plum' and that movie was a train wreck from the time they came up with that stupid title.  I'm going Jason Bourne, he's a badass, and later retired and bought a zoo."
• KP-"Poor Leo.  Ever since he did that little jig holding a mug of beer in the poor person under carriage of the Titanic I thought he deserved an Oscar; keep holdin' on neva let go."
• Steve-"Jason Bourne is the Jack Bauer of the big screen, and while he doesn't have Jack's over the top persona or heroin addiction he does have his lethal arsenal of hand to hand combat and weapons training.  Leo can drown his Oscar sorrows in whatever supermodel he is currently waking up next to, and I have a feeling it's more than one.  Jason 'Jack Bauer' Bourne takes this one."
• Twan-"Leo's Oscar.  Jason Bourne isn't real."

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!?"

• Winner:  Non-existant Jason Bourne defeats Leo's Non-existant Oscar, 3-2.  What a battle between two wonderful Americans.

7. Buffalo Chicken vs. Beyonce's Surfbort

• KP-"LOL Buffalo chicken reminds me of that drunk pizza place by PC.  This one time my friend Marian paid for a buffalo chicken pizza with a hundred dollar bill which she called "glock" until we realized "glock" doesn't mean money.  So yeah, buffalo chicken."
• Danny-"No idea what a Surfbort is. I think it’s an autocorrect errort (HA!). What I do know is buffalo chicken.  What a force whole white meat chicken breast paired with cayenne pepper sauce is.  Imagine the amount of glass trinkets Buffalo, NY would be worth to the Iroquois if they knew what culinary miracles would be birthed in upstate New York.  One thing is for sure, Manhattan was a steal compared to what Buffalo would go for knowing what we know now.  Buffalo Chicken is 2007 Florida Gators in food form.  UF could play all styles of basketball and I dare you to find a cuisine that wouldn’t benefit from buffalo sauce in the equation.  Free financial advice: throw a dart at a world map, add buffalo sauce to the country’s cuisine and call it a ‘fusion restaurant’ and make millions of dollars so that you can retire to a nice log cabin in the outskirts of Greater Buffalo.  Buff Chicks versatility is without a peer and it’s insulting that some misspelled aquatic accessory is even in the same breath as buffalo chicken."
• Twan-:

• Kyle-"Buffalo Chicken is one of my all time favorite foods regardless of where or how it is served.  Although I chuckle every time I hear the word Surfbort."
• Steve-"Queen B takes this one for me.  I have a tender Irish stomach so I don't appreciate buffalo chicken as much as most (especially Matt 'The Rat Weams' Rizzini) but Beyonce's got something that everyone can appreciate, DAT ASS."

Grandma had no idea.

• Winner:  Buffalo Chicken wins 3-2, knocking off my most despised entry into this whole bracket.  Surfbort is starting to drive me crazy.  

8. The Song From Titanic vs. Bill Murray

• Kyle-"Bill Murray will go down as one of the greatest human beings to walk this earth.  His 'It Just Doesn't Matter' speech in Meatballs changed my life.  Just too many classics on the screen, and off the screen he is just as incredible.  Just Google 'Bill Murray Stories' and thank me later.  Plus, I've always preferred this version of the song:"

• Steve-"This song today still has people going wild but it's hard for one song to stack up against decades of hilarity.  Bill takes this one in my book, and when God decides to reunite Bill with Harold Ramis it will be a sad day but we will have a collection of comedy gold to ease the pain because after all near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on."
• Twan-"Song from Titanic.  Osmosis Jones."
• Danny-"Your friend and mine, Bill Murray advances but not for the reasons one would expect.  Sure, Bill Murray is a beloved actor whose resume is far too star-studded to be viewed without sunglasses, but in this instance he wins by forfeit, because the Titanic never sank.  The Royal Mail Ship built two huge ocean liners named the Titanic and the Olympic.  Like most prudent companies, RMS took out insurance policies on both ships and that was that.  However, on its first cruise, the Olympic collided with one of the Royal Navy’s ships and sustained damage because ships don’t collide with Naval ships and come out on top.  RMS went to its insurer and wanted its cash to fix the ship but they didn’t receive a cent because the Queen’s Navy claimed that it was the Olympic’s fault even though everyone who saw it disagreed.  To combat this, RMS swapped every item saying Olympic with pieces from the Titanic.  Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, RMS suddenly had an Olympic in Titanic’s clothing.  Casting morals to the wayside, the RMS launched the “Titanic” into the North Atlantic, knowing it would sink and there would be enough ships in the surrounding area to negate casualties and allow the company to recoup its insurance money.  Unfortunately, RMS was only half right and lots of people died.  For that reason (and PBR pants) Bill Murray waltzes into the Elite Eight, uncontested."
• KP-"I know a lot of people are really pulling for Bill Murray but as soon as the flute sounds of 'My Heart Will Go On' begins every person in earshot has no choice but to enter a moment of sentimentality and really reflect on their lives.  Also, lol Celine Dion songs."

Who Would Spend This?

• Winner:  Bill Murray wins 3-2, deservedly so, although the song from Titanic does go on, in our hearts. 

Pop Culture Madness! Round 2

Welcome to Round 2 of the 1st annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Bracket.  Round 1 saw some real grudge matches, a few upsets, and some utter domination.  Round 2 is upon us, and this time we have 7 new judges making their important selections for who they think should move on.  I'd like to thank all the judges, Andrew "Woody" Chace, Christine "The Gimp" Smith, Kristen "The Brooklyn Ginger" Borowiec, Sean "Band Camp" Mottola, Sarah "The Governess" Pacitti, Matt "Thunder" Rizzini, and my weirdo friend who wished to only be referenced in this blog as "Sixpack".  Your effort and thoughts were much appreciated and truly astounding.  I value my friendship with each of you.  On to the match ups! 

1. Fez vs. OJ Simpson's Bloody Glove:

• Kristen-"Fez made out with Mila Kunis so he wins life.  And this round."
• Andrew-"The glove.....it instituted a beliefe in people everywhere that 'Hey, if somebody else can get away with murder, so can I.'"
• Sarah-"Fez because Wilmer Valderrama dated Lindsay Lohan for a while, and I bet that's gotta be tough."
• Christine-"Fez.  I've always hated blood."
• Matt-" A few years ago I didn't care much for That 70's Show but now it's the show I watch while I eat breakfast before work every day.  I've had no choice but to become fond of Fez and the other characters.  OJ's glove doesn't get me going in the morning like Fez does."
• Sean-"Yo Momma was the dumbest show on TV.  Fez is dead."
• Winner: Fez 4-3 

Excited For the Sweet 16

2. Neville Longbottom vs. Bald Britney Spears:

Skrillex Haircut Gone Wrong.

• Kristen-"While bald Britney was certainly an entertaining part of my adolescence, I have to go with Neville Longbottom simply because I am a woman and have you seen him lately?!  Puberty worked wonders on this guy."
• Sean-"After taking Buzzfeed's 'Which Nerdy Sidekick are you?' quiz, I got Neville.  He represents loyalty and bravery which I respect."
• Christine-"I might be one of the only people that is NOT a fan of Harry Potter - bald Britney it is.  Plus 'Lucky' will forever be a classic."
• Sixpack-"Britney.  I occasionally jammed out to her album 'Oops!...I did it again' back in the day."
• Andrew-"Going against her 2007 hit 'Gimme More', Britney made a BALD choice in shaving her head.  Considering I will be in a similar position one day, she's an inspiration.  And plus, Neville was a dweeb."
• Matt-"Longbottom wins because all the girls love him now after his transformation from chubby little kid into a hunk, but I feel like in a few years this win will be vacated when a scandal breaks out that it was actually two different actors playing the role."
• Sarah-"Bald Britney Spears because everyone deserves a fresh start (every hair follicle, too).  Plus, wigs."
• Winner: Bald Britney Spears, in what can only be deemed an upset, 4-3.  10 Points for Slytherin!

3. Edward Snowden vs. Daniel Bryan's YES!!!! Chant:

Join the YES! Movement.

• Sean-"Snowden is a bender.  Daniel Bryan would dropkick him into yesterday.  Next."
• Christine-"Snowden.  Fascinates me that he just hung out in the Russian airports for a while, plus wrestling really doesn't do it for me."
• Sarah-"Edward Snowden because if he ever wanted to invite ladies back to his place in the winter he could call it the Snow Den.  And other stuff, too."
• Andrew-"Snowden was a technological martyr.  Daniel Bryan was done more with two fingers than any man ever has.  I vote YES! on D. Bryan."
• Matt-"I'm convinced it was hundreds of YES!! YES!! YES!! chants that my drunken friends and I yelled at MSG that propelled the Friars to win the Big East Championship.  Without a doubt YES wins this one.  YES!! YESS!! YESS!!"
• Sixpack-"It takes a lot to make Jim happy...it's almost impossible.  This chant changed his life."
• Kristen-"Edward Snowden.  Simply because this pick will piss Jim off."
• Winner: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 4-3.  This was too close for comfort. 

4. Skeeter Valentine vs. Paris Hilton's DJ Career:

Talent.

• Matt-"This one is personal for me.  Nobody loves DJs more than me and I've been seething ever since Paris Hilton got a residency at a club in Ibiza (the EDM capital of the world.)  who would ever pay money to see her DJ when some of the best in the world are right around the corner?  Ugh I'm done with this, Skeeter wins and he wins big."
• Sean-"Every kid in the 90's wished they had a best friend like Skeeter.  *HONK HONK*"
• Sarah-"Skeeter Valentine because one time I asked my mom her favorite cartoon character and she said 'Skeeter Valentine'."
• Sixpack-"Skeeter- I'm a huge Doug fan.  Skeeter's the raddest dude around."
• Andrew-"Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz used Skeeter's name to introduce the world a new form of birth control in 'Get Low'....I rest my case."
• Christine-"Skeeter.  Paris Hilton's attempts at being a DJ don't count as a career."
• Kristen-"Skeeter knew neon was cool before you did."
• Winner: Skeeter Valentine in a damn landslide, 7-0.  All is right with the world.  

5. Amanda Bynes' Twitter Meltdown vs. George Clooney in Space:

Woof. 

• Christine-"Clooney hands down.  Such a silver fox.  Although I did love the Amanda show..."
• Sixpack-"Amanda Bynes.  She's crazy...I'm afraid of her."
• Sarah-"Amanda Bynes because of the Amanda Show."
• Andrew-"Clooney is better looking afloat than he is on ground.  Also, he was a ghost.  So that's pretty cool."
• Matt-"I stopped following Amanda awhile ago so I just checked up on her to find out she has deleted all her outrageous tweets.  I was ready to give her a victory in here but I can't give it to someone who is hiding from her past.  Plus Gravity was a pretty sweet movie."
• Winner: Clooney in Space 4-3.  Amanda just can't catch a break these days.  

6. Kel Mitchell vs. Gingers:

• Andrew-"If 'orange soda' was actually called 'red soda', this would be a tossup.  But everyone thinks that Kel is dead.  And he's not.  So he wins."
• Sarah-"Kel Mitchell is my lady.  Did you know I am ahead of her in a NCAA bracket right now?  XO lady thanks for all the good times.  Can't wait to see you soon!  HAGS, KIT."
• Sean-"Orange soda vs. Orange hair.  Tough choice.  Seeing as Kel Mitchell's career went extinct before the ginger population, I have to give it to the gingers.  Grit and pure determination, plain and simple."
• Matt-"It's a well known fact that Kel Mitchell loves people with orange hair simply because he also loves orange soda.  That being said, Kel might feel bad when he destroys the soulless gingers and advances into the next round."
• Sixpack-"I love burgers."
• Christine-"Kel.  Kenan would've been so lost without him."
• Kristen-"If gingers don't win this round I'm boycotting this blog for the rest of my life.  Gingers, despite not having souls, are some of the most lovable creatures on earth.  Gingers FTW."
• Winner: Kel Mitchell 5-2.  Looks like Kristen will now be boycotting my blog.  

Welcome to the Sweet 16, Home of the Sweet 16, Can I ....

7. Blue Ivy Carter vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin:

• Sixpack-"Austin 3:16.  Sorry Jay-Z but he'll chug a beer and kick your ass any day of the week."
• Christine-"Blue Ivy.  As much as the name drives me crazy, again, I've already shared my thoughts on wrestling....Also Bonnie and Clyde is still one of my favorites."
• Andrew-"Steve Austin made chugging beers look easy, and wearing knee braces look fucking awesome.  'What do you want for Christmas, Johnny?' 'Knee braces, and a hell yeah!"
• Sean-"Stone Cold had a great run, but I leave you with the words of our beloved Frankie MacDonald: Blue Ivy is SOO POWERFUL!!"
• Sarah-"Baby Blue because she is gonna wake up one morning and realize that she has a lot of pressure on her to be the best person in the world, so that's gotta be rough.  She needs all the help, love and support she can get."
• Matt-"Blah blah blah blah I get it, Blue Ivy has the coolest parents in the world blah blah...but wanna know who doesn't give a shit about Blue Ivy and her parents?  STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, THAT'S WHO! Austin 3:16 advances to the next round chugging beers and kickin' ass along the way."
• Winner:  Blue Ivy Carter 4-3.  After his loss, Stone Cold Steve Austin was asked his thoughts on the outcome, to which he replied: 
  

8. Ryan Gosling vs. Tandem Bicycles: 

• Christine-"Gosling.  3 words: Crazy.  Stupid.  Love."
• Andrew-"Gosling is overrated.  I mean, who hasn't hung from poles of a ferris wheel begging a girl for a date?"
• Matt-"Tough one here.  I really love it when Gosling refuses to eat his cereal, but I'm gonna have to go with tandem bikes because The Ranch put serious consideration into getting one for our senior year and there would have been no stopping us from owning the campus if we did."

• Kristen-"The Dirty Dancing scene in Crazy Stupid Love.  End of argument.  Gosling."
• Sixpack-"Tandem bicycles.  I hate those Ryan Gosling memes."
• Sarah-"Tandem bicycles.  2 is better than one.  If you said Ryan Gosling x2 I would say that as an answer, but you didn't."
• Sean-"As the founder and current president of 'Team Gosling' my vote is obvious.  I would have loved to see a Tatum vs. Gosling matchup here."
• Winner: In the biggest upset of the tournament, TANDEM BICYCLES 4-3.  My God. 

Nice Afternoon Ride to the SWEET 16!

9. North Korean Dennis Rodman vs Judge Judy:

Probably telling Rodman to ZIP IT

• Kristen-"Who gives two poops about Judge Judy????  Gotta go with anyone crazy enough to actually enter North Korea."
• Christine-"Strongly dislike both so this is a tough one.  I guess Judge Judy is the lesser of two evils."
• Sarah-"Judge Judy.  I dressed up as her for Halloween and I also started this new bit when people email me annoying things I send a GIF of Judge Judy dramatically rolling her eyes as a response.  So, her."
• Sean-"It takes guts to go to a communist country and sing happy birthday to an insane Draconian leader, but Judge Judy has been dishing out justice to the masses since '96.  Queen bitch with the gavel takes this one."
• Sixpack-"North Korean Dennis Rodman.  He's always getting into something whacky.  Let him live!"
• Andrew-"I'm surprised Kim Jong-Un has yet to dye his hair like a rainbow.  DR has 5 rings, several known and even more unknown STD's, and was once a wrestler in WCW."
• Winner: Judge Judy, in a contest where no one should win, 4-3. 

10. Will Ferrell vs. Space Jam:

• Kristen-"I hate you for this match up.  Space Jam????  I don't know the correct answer here."
• Sixpack-"I love Will but I probably watched Space Jam 1,000 times as a kid.  I used to think I was drinking Michael's secret stuff when I played sports."
• Matt-"Wow, this is intense.  This one deserves to be a Final 4 matchup.  It's a shame that Space Jam has to go down so early but Ferrell wins because of his depth.  He can go right down his bench filled with All-Americans (movies) who would be starting for any other team in the nation."
• Christine-"As embarassing as this is, I've never seen Space Jam, but I HATE Will Ferrell so Space Jam it is.  Whats not to like about MJ mixed with Looney Tunes?"
• Sarah-"Kids of the 90's reference Space Jam all the time like it is so specific to them.  It was all of ours.  We all saw it.  It is not just yours.  No one thinks Will Ferrell is just for them.  Will Ferrell is for everyone and that is understood.  Will Ferrell."
• Sean-"I really like this matchup.  If Space Jam is on TV I'm watching it no matter what.  Will Ferrell movies just don't have that aura about them.  Plus, Space Jam the video game was rad as fugg.  Space Jam FTW."
• Winner: Space Jam 5-2, in a real grudge match.  They're both winners, in a way. 

Talkin' Strategy for the Sweet 16

11. Lord Voldemort vs. Leo DiCaprio's Non-existant Oscar:

• Sean-"If I remember correctly, the prophesy reads '...either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives...'  Only Potter can defeat Voldemort.  Sorry Leo, you'll win one day."
• Andrew-"Oh, you mean in Titanic 2?  Leo wins."
• Sarah-"Lord Vold, um, Lor, eh, Lord Voldem...HIM."
• Sixpack-"I don't care if he hasn't won an oscar...every girl sheds a tear when they see him sink to the bottom of the ocean in Titanic.  Now that's something to be proud of!"
• Kristen-"They're both losers.  Voldemort was blown up into little tiny pieces though and Leo's nonexistent Oscar still has a chance to become an existant one.  Maybe after Leo bangs a few more chicks though.  Oscar.  Easy."
• Christine-"Leo always comes first.  Breaks my heart that Leo has never won an Oscar."
• Winner: Leo's Non-existant Oscar, 5-2.  At least he's winning something!

12. Jason Bourne vs. Sharknado:

?

• Andrew-"I don't nkow what Sharknado is.  So Bourne wins."
• Sean-"Jason 'Born to Kill' Bourne is unstoppable.  A tactical killer who will find a way to destroy you at all costs.  He will find a way to defeat the Sharknado."
• Kristen-"The Sharknado guy pronounces his name (Ian) "EYE-an"...what a douche.  Jason Bourne would stop a Sharknado before it even happened.  Bourne."
• Sarah-"Sharknados seem SO REAL.  I am answering Sharknado out of fear, and fear alone."
• Matt-"Have you see the Bourne movies?  The dude is the best assassin in the world.  I see no way he loses to a few sharks flying around in a tornado.  Like that would ever happen."
• Winner: Jason Bourne, obviously, 6-1

13. Buffalo Chicken vs. Sir Elton John:

Wait, is he the actual Rocket Man?

• Sarah-"Both are bold, spicy and I would want them both at any social gathering.  Buffalo chicken, though."
• Sixpack-"Buffalo chicken.  This goes back to Wings and Things in good ol' Riverside.  Nothing against Elton John."
• Sean-"I love Elton's style, music, and legacy.  Buffalo chicken goes great with most things, especially ranch dressing.  Really difficult choice here.  I have to say Sir Elton in OT.  Buffalo wings would have changed the matchup entirely."
• Christine-"Buff Chick obviously.  Golden Crust would be lost without it."
• Andrew-"I fully expect to turn gay for a few moments during his Bonnaroo performance in June.  And luckily none of my friends will be there to remind me of it."
• Kristen-"Elton John puts on a killer concert but buffalo chicken puts on a killer concert in my mouth whenever I damn want.  Buff chick."
• Matt-"With all due respect to the great Elton John, buffalo chicken has saved my life more times than I can ever remember and I am forever grateful."
• Winner: Buffalo Chicken 5-2.  Hold me closer, tiny buffalo. 

14. The Royal Baby vs. Beyonce's Surfbort:

Nice dress, Nerd.

• Christine-"The Royal Baby.  Even though he and Kate ruined my chances of ever marrying Prince William."
• Andrew-"The baby will be loaded and popular regardless of choice.  Beyonce earned hers.  I vote, the booty."
• Sarah-"Beyonce's surfboard is Jay-Z.  I like Jay-Z because I know more about him because he is an adult that has done things and not a small baby that has not done that much stuff yet.  So, Beyonce's Surfboard."
• Matt-"I'm not even gonna get into Beyonce's Surfbort.  The Royal Baby wins on formality."
• Sean-"A double diaper dandy!  Serfbort is just too good.  One word changing a generation."
• Kristen-"What?  Royal baby.  Guy was a legend the second the sperm hit the egg.  Only other person who can say that is Blue Ivy.  That should be your next round matchup.  Make the judges squirm."
• Sixpack-"Surfbort.  I don't really know what this is but I'll take it.  The royal wedding/baby was just too much for me."
• Winner: Beyonce's Surfbort 4-3

15. President Calvin Coolidge vs. The Song From Titanic:

• Matt-"Silent Cal is a good guy.  Reasons for why he wins?  Apparently he enjoyed eating pancakes and he's a New Englander.  Just like me."
• Christine-"Celine Dion is phenomenal, as is this song, as is Leo in Titanic."
• Sean-"I'm giving the 'cool edge' to Coolidge.  Get it!?"
• Kristen-"Two extremely important parts of American history....and this song is more memorable. Celine."
• Andrew-"Calvin gave the assist to Hoover, setting up the Great Depresseion.  So yeah, the greatest middle school dance song of all time wins."
• Sixpack-"My Heart Will Go On.  Tell me you haven't hit the high notes in this song before!"
• Sarah-"I spent a weekend learning 'My Heart Will Go On' on a keyboard in my basement when I was younger.  SENTIMENTAL STUFF."
• Winner: Song from Titanic goes on, 5-2. Sorry Cal. So much for my pick for a Cinderella story. 

Cal was disappointed, but was happy with his parting gift of an Indian Headdress. 

16. Bill Murray vs. Superbad:

• Sixpack-"A classic guy vs a classic movie.  Bill is great, we all know...but Superbad is a gem.  Every line is perfect.  Let em' party!"
• Sarah-"Bill Murray was supposedly in a bar the same time I was once.  But, he left before I saw him.  He is sneaky and beautiful.  I spent the rest of my time asking the bouncer if he 'really left.'.  Him."
• Andrew-"Bill Murray may look old as balls, but he will go down as one of the greatest comedians of all time.  Sorry Jules."

• Sean-"Bill Murray.  Rushmore."
• Christine-"Superbad.  Fogell really entertained me."
• Matt-"Similar to Ferrell vs. Space Jam.  Murray has the depth needed for a deep tournament run but sometimes the bench guys just don't show up to play.  Ever since Superbad has come out, there probably hasn't been a week that has gone by that my friends or myself haven't quoted it.  It's a timeless classic.  Even though Murray received a slight push with his PBR pants he wore the other day, Superbad wins."
• Winner: Bill Murray 4-3 

No one can lose in PBR pants. 

Pop Culture Madness! Round 1

Back in high school, my buddy Anthony Leonardo created March Madness brackets involving random people and things.  We'd sit around in class or lunch or whatever and debate which competitor should move on to the next round and why.  The reasons could be for anything at all.  I remember one instance where The Milkman won a whole tournament based on the argument that he slept with (insert competitor here)'s wife.  It's a fun way to pass time, and I found myself making my own brackets just out of sheer boredom.  This year I have decided to do this in terms of Pop Culture, and asked 5 panelists to weigh in and pick winners for each matchup.  I will need more panelists to chime in on rounds 2-7, so anyone who wants in, just shoot me a text and I'll send you the bracket.  I'd like to thank "Ravishing" Ryan Urkiel, Jake "Lefty" Pirri, Jenna "The Polish Princess" Borkoski, Dancin' Dan Allen, and my sworn twitter enemy Victoria "Hot Lava" Parella.  Below, you will see each matchup, the votes and some responses from the panelists on why they picked their winner.  These matchups were picked randomly from a hat, and there is no real seeding.  Hope you all enjoy, and start placing your bets.

1. The Cop That Arrested Justin Bieber vs. Fez from That 70's Show-

• Danny-"The fact that Obama hasn't taken this opportunity to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday and name it after Officer Steven Cosner tells you all you need to know about his administration."
• Jenna-"Fez.  The last I heard the cop may have fabricated evidence of the Biebs actually drag racing."
• Tori-"Fez.  He's been closer to Ashton <3 .="" li="">
• Jake-"I hate both of these so much, but without that cop, we don't have the priceless Bieber interrogation tape, so I have to pick him.  Fuck Fez."
• Winner: Fez 3-2

2. Skrillex's Haircut vs. OJ Simpson's Glove-

• Danny-"OJ's stupid glove defense launched the Kardashian Empire."
• Jake-"OJ's glove is the exact reason why we know OJ is innocent.  Biggest frame job ever, man is a saint."
• Jenna-"Skrillex's hair.  At least it gets to travel the world, OJ's glove is probably in police storage somewhere."
• Winner: OJ Simpson's Glove 3-2

3. Neville Longbottom vs. John Stamos-

• Urk- "Stamos has some sweet flow, I'll give him that, but it doesn't come close to Neville Longbottom kicking the shit out of Nagini in Book 7."
• Jenna-"Stamos.  The man keeps on getting better with age.  Plus I'm sure he's got yogurt sales on the rise too."
• Tori-"Neville Longbottom because I love a good underdog success story."
• Jake-"'There are all kinds of courage,' said Dumbledore, smiling.  'It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.  I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."
• Winner: Neville Longbottom 3-2

4. The Other 4 Guys From *NSYNC vs. Bald Britney Spears-

• Danny-"Britney. 'It's always darkest before the dawn.'"
• Tori-"Bald Britney preferably holding the umbrella mid paparazzi attack if I had to choose but ideally I'd pick bald Britney as a 5th obsolete member of *NSYNC."
• Jenna-"The 90's gUrL in me is torn, but I like *NSYNC as a total package more than Britney right before she went under conservation ship, even if JT is missing."
• Winner: Bald Britney Spears 3-2

5. Edward Snowden vs. North West-

• Urk- "I'm going with Snowden, South-East is a cooler direction anyway."
• Jenna-"Snowden.  I mean, he had his own panel at SXSW.  What has North West done this year other than having a name of a defunct airline?"
• Jake-"North West, in spite of her mother deserving to burn in hell for eternity.  I just couldn't give less of a shit about Snowden."
• Winner: Edward Snowden 3-2

6. Daniel Bryan's YES!!!! Chant vs. Parallel Parking-

• Urk-"I think Jim Kirwan placing Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant against Parallel Parking is part of some sick, evil, conniving plan to make sure it wins this tournament.  Touche Jim, you sick fuck. I'm sure Marge and Bins will love this."
• EDITOR-"No comment."
• Danny-"YES! YES! YES!"
• Jake-"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! I'm taking Daniel Bryan strictly because breaking out the yes chant provides instant camaraderie and is obnoxious (in a good way).  However parallel parking is how we distinguish men from women, unless there's some other way I don't know about."
• Tori-"Tough choice, but the YES Chant costs less for my insurance."
• Jenna-"YES!!! YES YES YES!"
• Winner: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 5-0

7. Skeeter Valentine vs. an Actual Arcade on Fire-

• Jake-"Skeeter, only Nickelodeon could get away with being so racist as to making someone who is supposed to be black a shade of blue/purple.
• Jenna-"Skeeter, such a quintessential wingman."
• Urk-"What's cool about arcades being on fire?  Nothing.  What's cool about Skeeter Valentine?  He's green."
• Tori-"Skeeter Valentine.  No explanation needed."
• Winner: Skeeter Valentine 4-1

8. Hot Air Balloons vs. Paris Hilton's DJ Career-

• Danny-"My hypothetical dream date."
• Tori-"Paris Hilton Djing a hot air balloon ride.  But if I have to pick, Paris Hilton because I'm terrified of heights."
• Jenna-"Out of all respect to all DJs, I have to pick Hot Air Balloons."
• Jake-"Choosing to ignore the 'DJ career' and going with Hilton, because A) she remains one of my all time Hollywood 'wild cards' and B) we've all already seen what she can do with a penis.
• Winner: Paris Hilton's Dj Career 3-2

9. Amanda Bynes' Twitter Meltdown vs. the new Filet-o-Fish song-

• Urk-"I'm picking Amanda Bynes because she kept me intrigued enough to read about 20 minutes worth of her tweets."
• Tori-"Amanda Bynes all the way.  'I want Drake to murder my vagina.' Enough said."
• Danny-"It's Lent.  Let me know how hell is, heathens."
• Jenna-"Bynes, for having the balls to start so many passive aggressive fights via twitter."
• Winner: Amanda Bynes on Twitter 4-1

10. Jaden Smith's Acting vs. George Clooney in Space-

• Urk-"Jaden smith, I have a bone to pick with you.  If you ever, ever think you can be better than the great Ralph Macchio then we are going to have major problems."
• Jenna-"Clooney.  Tina Fey said it better than I could ever say it, "It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."  At least he's consistent."
• Tori-"Jaden Smith because a lack of gravity in space wouldn't allow Clooney to whip his hair back and forth."
• Winner: Clooney in Space 3-2

11. The Chick from the Wendy's Commercials vs. Kel Mitchell-

• Danny-"Real Wendy was too ugly for TV :-/"
• Urk-"Kel created the secret sauce for the Good Burger and helped uncover the mystery of the Mondo Burger.  What have you done stupid girl from the Wendy's commercials?  You'll never live up to this great man:
  
• Jake-"Another brutal one, both deserve the second round, but I'm taking Kel becasue as sneaky hot the redhead is, she's super fucking annoying."
• Tori-"Kelly Mitchell hands down because she's adorable and a fellow BVB."
• Jenna-"Whooo loves orange soda??  Kel loves orange soda."
• Winner: Kel Mitchell 5-0

12. Juan Pablo vs. Gingers-

• Urk-"I really hope God provides endless amounts of hair dye and booze for eternity in heaven.  however, I just need Juan Pablo to stick around until the next round so I can dissect him a little more.  More to follow next round.  It will be a dandy."
• Tori-"Gingers because even they're less douchy than Juan Pablo these days.  Also, Prince Harry <3 .="" li="">
• Danny-"This is assuming Jameson is being mixed with the ginger."
• Jenna-"Based on the high ratio of gingers in my life, I've got to pick the gingers."
• Winner: Gingers, in an upset, 4-1

13. Tim Tebow's Virginity vs. Blue Ivy Carter-

• Danny-"Left-handed and no luck with women? It's like looking in the mirror."
• Tori-"Blue Ivy Carter.  Her parents are legends, she's probably like leading the Illuminati and can't even talk yet and Tim Tebow's virginity is a fraud (I suspect T Swift)."
• Jake-"Taking Blue Ivy because of Jay-Z and in spite of Beyonce being the most overrated person ever."
• Jenna-"Blue Ivy.  Something tells me she'll lose her virginity waaaayyy before Tebow ever will."
• Winner: Blue Ivy Carter 4-1

14. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Guy Fieri-

American Hero.

• Danny-"This is a 1-16 matchup and the 16 seed has frosted tips."
• Urk-"The Stone Cold Stunner."
• Jake-"Guy here, the man is priceless between being a 100% douche and sexually harassing women off camera during every episode of Diners, Drive Ins and Dives."

ugh.

• Jenna-"On name recognition alone, I'm taking Guy."
• Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin 3-2 (this one was way closer than it should've been.)

15. Ryan Goseling vs. Gangnam Style-

• Jake-"GOSELING. No one has ever been a bigger baller than that man in Crazy, Stupid, Love."
• Danny-"Psy hates America.  Ipso facto, he sucks."
• Tori-"Is this even a question?  RYAN GOSELING."
• Jenna-"Ryan Goseling."
• Winner: Ryan Goseling 5-0

16. Tandem Bicycles vs. Hipsters-

Good, clean fun.

• Jenna-"Which came first, the tandem bicycle or the hipster?  Tandem bikes."
• Danny-"I didn't move to the LES for tandem bikes."
• Tori-"Tandem bicycles hands down.  They're energy efficient, great for building cooperation skills while saving the environment, and also way less annoying and probably smell better."
• Jake-"Tandem bikes by default.  Hipsters blow."
• Winner: Tandem Bicycles 4-1

17. Vladimir Putin vs. North Korean Dennis Rodman-

• Urk-"Now some of you may think Rodman is a complete moron, and you're absolutely right.  However, him going to North Korea allowed all Americans to see the crazy/amazing basketball rules of the North Korean basketball league: slam dunks are worth 3 points, field goals in the final three minutes of the game are worth 8 points, 3 pointers are wroth 4 if the ball doesn't touch the rim, and a point is deducted for missed free throws."
• Tori-"Vladimir Putin.  He's Russian so he's very in these days post Olympics.  Also his face is similar to an ostrich.  Dennis Rodman is irrelevant enough in a country of free press."
• Jake-"Rodman.  I'll take the Worm over that commie bastard any day."
• Jenna-"Lose-lose either way, but I think Dennis Rodman is the way to go.  He's been far more pacifist than Putin."
• Winner: Dennis Rodman 3-2

18. Judge Judy vs. The South Bend Shovel Slayer (Old Man from Home Alone)-

• Jenna-"Somewhat os a career inspiration: Judge Judy."
• Jake-"South Bend Shovel Slayer.  He's a hero."
• Tori-"Judge Judy, she calls it like it is.  She's like the whiter, older, frumpier Beyonce of the law world.  Also I don't remember Home Alone."
• Winner: Judge Judy, in an upset, 3-2

19. Will Ferrel vs. Sippin' on Gin n Juice-

• Jake-"Ferrell.  Simply too many great Will Ferrell characters to overcome for a classic jam."
• Jenna-"I love my gin so I'm taking the upset here.  Sippin' on Gin n Juice."

• Tori-"Sippin on gin n juice.  Snoop is my homie."
• Winner: Will Ferrell 3-2

20. Space Jam vs. Racist Paula Deen-

• Danny-"Space Jam brought PEDs into pop culture.  Paula just wanted blacks to serve whites in 'Southern-style' events."
• Jake-"Space Jam is unstoppable.  Recently watched it and still provides the same entertainment level as when I was a kid.  Case closed."
• Tori-"Racist Paula Deen.  She just wants everyone to be fat and happy.  I maintain that she throws out 'N****' as a term of endearment..."

• Winner: Space Jam 3-2

21. Lord Voldemort vs. Carly Rae Jepsen-

• Urk-"Got to give credit to a guy who is willing to split his soul into 7 pieces in order to live forever.  Too bad an eleven year old kid fucked it all up for him.  Oh well, I still have more respect for him than Carly Rae."
• Jenna-"Ms. Jepsen is known for what was probably the second most popular anthem of our senior year of college."

• Danny-"Bit of an anti-Canada theme in this bracket, if you ask me."
• Tori-"He Who Must Not Be Named.  Carly Rae Jepsen sucks almost as hard as Jim Kirwan does.  Fuck Carly Rae Jepsen.  And James Kirwan."  
• Jake-"Originally picked LV here, but Call Me Maybe wins the nostalgia of senior year.  Plus Steve Sheridan's dance to this is one of my favorites."
• Winner: Voldemort 3-2 :-( 

22. Charmander vs. Leo DiCaprio's Oscar-

• Urk-"I was always a Jigglypuff fan.  I think a certain person hopefully reading this blow will find this extremely funny."
• Tori-" Anything with the word Leo in it automatically wins.  Next year is the year."
• Danny-"It's crazy how DiCaprio hasn't won an Oscar and doesn't advance to the second round.  Life isn't fair."  EDITOR'S NOTE: Sorry, Dan.
• Jenna-"Leo.  Still haven't gotten over his Oscar loss.  #hewasrobbed."
• Winner: Leo DiCaprio's Non-existant Oscar 3-2

23. Jason Bourne vs. Canada-

Is this a tandem bicycle?

• Danny-"I look like Jason Bourne.  Think about it."
• Jenna-"JB.  We've got the same initials, plus people are still pretty pissed over Canada's Olympic performances."
• Tori-"I dont know who Jason Bourne is, sooooooo Canada."
• Jake-"Bourne.  Anytime you can beat Canada, you have an obligation to as an American."
• Winner: Jason Bourne 3-2, also way closer than it should've been. 

24. Flo from Progressive vs. Sharknado-

• Urk-"Flo's a bitch."
• Tori-"Flo from Progressive, she's one sassy bitch."
• Jenna-"While Sharknado may be a fad from 2013, Flo's been around for years.  She's got the pop culture corner covered."
• Jake-"I hope a fucking Sharknado kills Flo, she is the worst thing on TV, and cringeworthy every time."
• Winner: Sharknado 3-2

25. Nickelback's Greatest Hits CD vs. Buffalo Chicken-

• Jake-"Buffalo Chicken, even though I could belt out Photograph (shamefully)."
• Jenna-"Buff chick."
• Tori-"Is this a joke?  Buffalo chicken.  Fuck you Nickelback."
• Winner: Buffalo Chicken, in a landslide, 5-0

26. Kate Upton's Lovely Pair of Eyes vs. Elton John-

• Danny-"I've never actually seen what Kate Upton's eyes look like."
• Jake-"Upton is the most overrated girl of all time, and Elton is a music God.  Elton times a million."
• Tori-"Elton John.  He's like a candle in the wind.  And Kate Upton is overrated. 
• Winner: Elton John 5-0

27. The Royal Baby vs. Monica Lewinsky-

• Urk-"Without Monica Lewinsky we probably wouldn't have the @PimpBillClinton twitter handle and that would be a far great travesty than the Royal Family never having an heir."
• Jenna-"Prince George Alexander Louis.  Monica totally wanted her own version of the royal baby, but all she got was a stained dress and a high dry cleaning bill."
• Tori-"The Royal Baby.  That dude only had to breathe and like exist to cause world side commotion and be awesome."
• Winner: The Royal Baby, in a slight upset, 3-2

28. Beyonce's Surfbort vs. My Little Pony-

• Danny-"This should have been a play-in game."
• Jake-"Surfbort, if only because it's fun to scream obnoxiously while drunk or hungover."
• Jenna-"Even when Beyonce does wrong, she can still do no wrong."
• Winner: Beyonce's Surfbort 5-0

29. A Warm Can of Keystone vs. President Calvin Coolidge-

• Urk-"Calvin Coolidge is a great American.  Real men drink Natty lights."
• Jake-"Keystone.  I can't get drunk off Coolidge."
• Tori-"Gonna go with good ol' silent Cal.  He lays kinda low as far as presidents go, and I think it's his time to shine.  Also warm Keystone brings back bad freshman year frat party memories."
• Jenna-"I'm sorry but this one is a no brainer.  I'm keeping cool with my favorite president (who shares a birthday with my dear pal Jimothy) on this one."
• Danny-"Keystone is more American than a former President.  Also, warm beer allows its true flavor to really open up.  That's why everyone drinks Coors Lights as cold as possible."
• Winner: President Calvin Coolidge, a true underdog, 3-2

30. The Song from Titanic vs. Lamar Odom's Crackpipe-

• Danny-"1999 Atlantic Ten Champion Lamar Odom's Crackpipe*****."
• Tori-"The Titanic Song.  Classic.  (Moment of silence for Khlamar)."
• Urk-"You married the ugly Kardashian.  You had to know this was coming to you bro."
• Jake-"Odom's crackpipe, because ironically he's the first person to benefit from smoking crack, as it released him from the Yeti.  Wait, Khloe Kardashian isn't a Yeti?"
• Jenna-"Titanic.  If LamLam keeps using his crack pipe, his heart will not be going on much longer.  Also, if you have all the money in the world, why choose crack over cocaine?"
• Winner: The song from Titanic 3-2.  This surprised me. 

31. Bill Murray vs. Taco Bell's Breakfast Menu-

• Urk-"Only one man can fight off ghosts and play basketball with Michael Jordan in one lifetime."
• Tori-"Gonna go with Bill Murray because I'm like the one person in this world who hates Taco Bell."
• Danny-"Taco Bell for breakfast is a slippery, slippery slope."
• Jake-"Murray.  The man's latest contribution to the world is letting us know to drink champagne over ice, as the ice melts it will slowly hydrate you to avoid the dreaded champagne hangover.  We'd be fucked without Bill."
• Winner: Bill Murray 5-0, as it should be. 

32. Bryan Cranston vs. Super Bad-

• Danny-"I wasn't impressed by Breaking Bad but I laughed the whole way through Super Bad.  Does that make me a child?  Maybe.  Luckily for me, the funny thing about opinions is that I'm never wrong."
• Tori-"Super Bad.  I love me some McLovin.  Also I don't know who Bryan Cranston is..."
• Jake-"Super Bad.  I quoted it this morning and will continue to quote it for life.  I don't give a shit about Walter White."
• Jenna-"Mr. Walter White and Hal all day baby."
• Winner: Super Bad 4-1