I realize that I haven't done much writing due to the Pop Culture Madness tournament which took about two months too long, which may or may not have been part of my plan. With the exception of a top 10 list of the best songs by the Pixies, which you should totally check out, and the final matchup between Kel Mitchell and eventual champion Bill Murray, I haven't been using my creative genius to rag on items in pop culture. That being said, I've been keeping a list of topics I would like to address, so let's get started.
First off, when are hipsters going to start wearing brands like Ecko, Fubu, and South Pole? I'm thinking in about two years we can expect this to happen.
Not so mainstream anymore!
So Donald Sterling quickly became the most famous owner of an NBA team recently. Sweet Jesus did he make a mess of his life. This whole situation about being secretly recorded by a mistress who claims to not be a mistress has everyone somewhat confused. This V. Stiviano is possibly the most mysterious part of the whole situation. Apparently she has more aliases than a typical 1930's Chicago Mobster and was trying to get her meal ticket with this recording. Seriously, she has gone by Vanessa Maria Perez, Monica Gallegos, Maria Vanessa Perez, Maria Valdez, Mariamonica Perez Gallegos, Puff Daddy, V-String, Lefty, Lil' V With the Gimpy Leg, and Fun Dip. I'm just confused by why she settled on just V. Unless she's starring in a movie with Natalie Portman with a shaved head and wearing a mask, it's not really a good name to use out in public. What she did was good in a way because we found out Donald Sterling is a racist, but unfortunately she'll be on some awful reality game show in the near future, and try stretching out her 15 minutes of fame as long as possible. Only in America, man.
As I mentioned in a prior blog, the iPhone commercial with the Pixies song 'Gigantic' is pretty awesome. Makes me want to finally get the upgrade on my iPhone that I've had for about 18 months. I can only wonder if Apple knew just exactly what 'Gigantic' is rumored to be about.
So Solange Knowles seems to be Public Enemy number 1 in the eyes of the general public after slapping around Jay Z in an elevator and upsetting Beyonce. What is sad is that some people who really need to go outside more will probably care more about Solange being a terrible person than various dictators and Donald Sterling. This whole Beyonce craze is kind of absurd right now anyways. SURFBORT.
One ad campaign that has not been doing so well comes to us from Dominoe's. I'll tell ya, somewhere out there is an ad man who was trying to get himself fired by coming up with the "Failure IS an option" campaign, only for it to be picked up and actually used in commercials. I realize that some things in life you have to try and try again after failing, such as riding a unicycle, or shotgunning 5 Keystone Lights in 60 seconds, but I never want failure to be involved in my food, and for it to be deemed okay by the people serving it. What happens when I return my shitty tasting pizza? "Hey, these Cinnastix kinda suck." "Oh, well I can promise you that we really tried. You know, sometimes failure CAN be an option. Enjoy this coupon next time you come in." NO. This is just typical Dominoe's covering their asses for sucking. Do they want me to not be mad the next time they make my Cheesey Bread taste like a stale piece of Doublemint Gum? Failure is an option. God. I'd love to see a student try using that one on their parents. Suck it Dominoe's.
The Wu Tang Clan did something pretty interesting recently. They made an album that is truly one of a kind. Seriously. There is only one copy on this album on vinyl. And that's all there ever will be. Basically, they worked their asses off to make a 31 song double album entitled Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, and it will be toured throughout the country at museums where you can listen to it on headphones, to stop any chance of the album being leaked to the public. After this museum tour, it is being sold for (reportedly) $5 million. This now leads into the question of "If you could have one band/singer make an album JUST for you, who would it be?" Personally, I'd have trouble deciding between the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Brand New….or Rebecca Black, just to piss people off. Pretty awesome thought concept by the Wu Tang Clan to pull a stunt that has never been done before, which is rare in this day and age.
That reminds me that the Boston Calling music festival starts tomorrow (Friday). Really looking forward to seeing Brand New, Modest Mouse, Death Cab For Cutie, and the opportunity to throw some rocks at Jack Johnson. I discussed this via text with dear friend and fellow blogger Matt "Hey How Are Ya?" Rizzini, but what exactly are the odds that Brand New plays 'Logan to Government Center'? the Government Center T stop is closed for 2 years, but they're so close by, so they have to play it, right? Then again, they are not ones who really play to what the crowd wants, so maybe they'll just be oblivious and not play it at all. I'm optimistic and am going to say the odds of them playing it are 51-49. Gotta keep the faith, you guys.
Remember the 'Make 7-Up Yours' commercials? Now that was one hell of an ad campaign.
It's been good times recently for fans of emo bands who broke up 15+ years ago. Mineral decided to get back together, but more importantly, American Football decided to bring back their not-very-cheery music from the dead. I recently read an interview with the singer of American Football where he admitted he was pretty confused by the fame they've gotten over the years, considering they only played around 12 basement shows in the midwest and actually broke up before their only full length album came out. That's like Heath Ledger dying before the Dark Knight came out. Okay maybe that isn't the best analogy to use, but you know what I mean. What matters is that a bunch of unhappy kids briefly grinned for a split second upon hearing the news of Mineral and American Football reuniting for some shows during this year.
Avril Lavigne had a pretty awful music video come out for a single entitled 'Hello Kitty' where she basically took every Asian stereotype and rolled it into a video that even MTV wouldn't have played back in the mid 80's. I know it was basically career suicide for her when she married the douche from Nickelback, but this is just stupidity. The Queen of England on LSD could watch a full season of Pokemon on mute and understand it more than any sober person watching this Avril Lavigne music video.
I would now like to call to attention to the only thing that bothers me about Mad Men. I love the show, I think it is a masterpiece that can basically do no wrong. This being said, I have on issue with it. That is when they show flashback of Don Draper (Jon Hamm if you've never seen it). My problem with these flashbacks is that they use a kid to play young Don, who could not look any more unlike Jon Hamm. For the love of everything sacred did casting mess this one up! Look at that nose! You expect us to believe that this dweeb grew up, shrunk his nose and became arguably one of the most handsome men to ever walk the planet? This show once had a scene where a guy lost his foot in the office when it was run over by a drunk secretary on a John Deere lawnmower and I didn't question it, but this is just too much!
Noooope.
Oh yeah, back to Donald Sterling, the singer from one of my favorite bands, Wavves, created this pic stitch of Donald Sterling and his doppleganger, and it's pretty damn good.
Well done, Wavves.
Only Justin Bieber would move on from Brazilian prostitutes to underage high school girls.
One thing that brought me great joy recently was the picture of Macaulay Culkin wearing a tshirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a tshirt of Macaulay Culkin. My initial reaction? How the hell do I not have a tshirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a tshirt of Macaulay Culkin? The picture of Culkin wearing the shirt is pretty funny. Probably his finest work since Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Couple of weeks ago a very bored and witty Massachusetts Department of Transportation worker (who is clearly not in the proper profession) decided to make signs all over Massachusetts roads read "Use Yah Blinkah!!!". This was pretty funny stuff. What wasn't funny was that it probably got instagrammed or tweeted while driving a million times, which probably led to a bunch of accidents and maybe even some deaths. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was very disappointed recently when the Boston Bruins blew it in the playoffs and lost to those pathetic douchebags that make up the Montreal Canadiens. What was somewhat good was the fact that Bruins forward Milan Lucic went into the traditional and 'sacred' handshake line where he promptly told Canadiens forward Dale Weiss "I'm going to fucking kill you next year" with an overly firm handshake. Is this sportsmanlike? Ehhhhh. Is it awesome? Yes. I'd bet money that this is not the first time over the past 90 years that someone has said something along these lines in the handshake line, but it is the first time some cry baby has actually gone public and talk about it. The thing is, Lucic may have just been angry and didn't really mean it when he said, but now there is a very good chance that he could actually kill Dale Weiss on the ice next year, which is something to watch for next season.
Did you guys know that Spacejam.com is exactly the same as it was back in 1996? That's kind of awesome.
It occurred to me today that after 20 years I guess we can say that Kurt Cobain was in fact lying when he sang on 'Come As You Are' that he didn't have a gun.
Wrestling time: HHH has been one of the greatest wrestlers ever. Why is his weapon of choice a sledgehammer? That's a bit much in opinion. Most people go for a steel chair or a table, but HHH goes for the sledgehammer. That's a bit unfair. That's like giving Barry Bonds a metal bat while he was in the peak of his steroid use and they moved the fences in by 40 feet at the Giants ballpark.
I could be a 10 time champion if I used a sledgehammer too, man.
Finally, I guess a hologram of Michael Jackson played at the Billboard awards or something, which gives out awards to music for people who are too stupid to branch out and listen to actual good music. What a joke. The man is dead. Give it up. The only benefit of hologram Michael Jackson is that it is much safer for anyone under the age of 13 and we can probably expect an awesome South Park episode about this in the near future. Also, I hope that no one makes a hologram of me after I meet my demise in 71 years. But if someone does, I'd encourage them to put great detail into my hair, because let's face it, that's my real moneymaker.
The end is here, you guys. What a journey this has been. We started at 64 and we are now at 4 competitors left for this meaningless competition which will earn the eventual winner a whole lot of nothing. This tournament has had upsets, beatdowns, Cinderella stories and choke jobs. I've learned a lot about my own friends from their responses (I need new ones) in this tournament, and I'll be glad when it is over so I can start posting other pop-culture related material on here. Anyways, much like on the newly returned show 24, the clock is ticking on this tournament. We have made it to the Final 4, with each competitor worthy of being here. Without further ado, I'd like to get into it, but first I must take a moment to thank the judges/panelists on taking the time to vote on these two remaining match ups, so props and much respect to Dan "The Riverside Rambler" Allen, Kyle "Belt Buckle" Towne, Liz "Nails" Wroblewski, Sean "Zoinks" Mottola, Ryan "The Radiator" Urkiel, Jenna "The Crown Jewel of Chatham" Borkoski and last, but most importantly, my Mom, 'Big D'.
WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant vs. Kel Mitchell:
Sean-"Daniel Bryan was Connor the Crusher's #1 favorite wrestler. Millions of people rally around this war cry. It's just too powerful for anything Kel Mitchell does."
EDITOR'S NOTE- What Sean is referring to is this truly heartbreaking, but awesome video of Connor the Crusher, who was a terminally ill boy who got his chance to meet Daniel Bryan and make some wishes come true. This video is a tearjerker, but totally worth watching:
Jenna-"Morally, I'm torn. Out of devotion to this blog's namesake author, I want to select the YES!!! Chant automatically. But, out of respect to my nine-year-old Nickelodeon-loving self, the less famous half of Kenan and Kel deserves some consideration. Kel is a prime example of 90's kid nostalgia, even more mysterious is that he has lived virtually off the grid since Kenan beat him out for a spot on SNL. Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan's YES! Chant is a relatively new phenomenon. It's been taking the world by storm, recently, but in the years to come, will fans reflect with the same reverence given for a man who has been out of the limelight for over a decade? Because of this, I'm faced with the ultimate dilemma: do I select a seed that is a pop culture icon in the metaphorical time-capsule sort of way, or do I base my decision solely on this year in pop culture? I'm sorry Jimothys, but I need to go with my gut on this one and select Kel Mitchell based on his longevity and for perpetually saving a small business with his recipe for secret sauce."
Kyle-"The Yes! Chant has been quite the movement. But I don't know if it will be able to withstand Daniel Bryan's neck surgery and subsequent absence. That being said, Kel Mitchell wasn't really able to withstand Kenan Thompson's absence either. There is a soft spot in my heart for both of these warriors of pop culture, but my vote will be with Kel. Did you know that he tried out for SNL and was denied in favor of Kenan? Man, talk about a wrench in a friendship. I just feel like he needs the win after reading that."
Mom-"Well, I would have said Kel because I like him and think that wrestler is really homely looking, but after watching that YES chant video I must give my vote to the wrestler. "
Dan-"Kel Mitchell burst into America's hearts the way Mark Prior did in Wrigleyville. With good breaking balls and good burgers, both men were phenoms at their crafts; seemingly unstoppable on their projected meteoric rise to the top. Unfortunately, Kel and Mark Prior's UCL decided to burn out rather than fade away. More than a decade has passed since the debuts and over time, people have grown nostalgic (how Kel hasn't appeared in a Fanta ad is insane). As more and more time slips away, we will all look back at how entertaining Kel Mitchell was. YES! on the other, is in a rough spot. Your friend and mind, Daniel Bryan, suffered a neck injury recently. Fun fact about the neck: it connects the head to everything else. With Daniel Bryan's head not quite in line with his body, it becomes very challenging for him to start chanting. It's a tough injury this late in the pop culture bracket, but these things happen when a March Madness-style bracket is still going on in mid May. In a stunner, Kel Mitchell advances to the finals. I feel weird just writing that. Truthfully, I think Kel kind of sucks. BUT a healthy actor from my childhood will always beat the crippled, decrepit mess of a wrassler with a neck injury."
Liz-"Kel Mitchell."
Urk-"Yes Chant beats Kel only because I want to set up a heartbreaking defeat for the Yes Chant in the Finals. It will be like when the Rangers and the Bruins both win their game 7's, make the Eastern Conference Finals and the Rangers take home the victory."
WINNER: Kel Mitchell, 4-3. God dammit you guys. Hate to see the YES!!! Chant fall, but Kel is a worthy winner. This victory proves that no matter what era, year, time it is, nothing stacks up to the 90's. Nothing. Since this is the most promising thing to happen to Kel Mitchell's career in a while, I would like to state "AWWWW HERE IT GOES!".
Jason Bourne vs. Bill Murray
Nice Haircut, Nerd.
Sean-"Bill Murray almost survived a zombie apocalypse by himself. Bill Murray can also eradicate ghosts. Basically he transcends time and space."
Mom-"Bill Murray because he is such a classic (although people of your age might disagree) but since it's Double Nickles Donna that was doing the voting, I must go with Mr. Bill."
Jenna-"This matchup was much easier for me. Applying the same reasoning to the first match of the Final Four, Bill Murray is my choice to take on Kel Mitchell in the final. Murray is a beloved American, entertaining individuals throughout his decades-long career. In years to come, Americans will still revere Caddyshack (just to name one of his many outstanding films), but will the Jason Bourne novels and films have the same cultural impact? I don't think so. My apologies, JB--maybe next year."
Dan-"Fake bad-assery opposed to real life perfection. I want to go on record right now and state that Bill Murray easily wins this tournament. Newspaper headline: 'Bourne runs of out TP vs. BM.' Jason Bourne filled a void while Jack Bauer was on a 2-year tequila bender (Cuervo?). Now that Bauer is back to make the most of his 24 hour day, Bourne is redundant. Between PBR pants and urban legends that you'd never believe, Bill Murray (ghost)busts into the finals."
Kyle-"I'm going with Bill Murray and it's not even close. It's like George Mason vs. Florida back in 2006. Pretty cool Final Four run for Jason Bourne, but he's getting smacked up every day of the week by Bill Murray."
Liz-"Jason Bourne."
Urk-"Bill Murray wins because Jason Bourne isn't even on the same level as Jack Bauer and he still somehow made the finals."
As Ridiculous As This Is, It's A Great Invention.
WINNER: Bill Murray easily defeats Jason Bourne 6-1, surprising absolutely no one, but Liz. Somehow. Jason Bourne's impressive, yet boring, cinderella run comes to a screeching halt. The US Government can't hold down Jason Bourne, but he can't survive a true Ghostbuster.
Well, well, well. I don't think anyone was surprised that Jason Bourne got bounced. He might've had the easiest route to a Final Four ever, and his weakness showed in his shellacking by Bill Murray. What a doozy we had between Kel Mitchell and the YES!!! Chant. New school vs. Old school in the realms of pop culture, and the Old school won a tight one. Get well soon, Daniel Bryan. Now, here we are, the championship for the 1st Annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Tournament.
Kel Mitchell vs. Bill Murray.
The point of this tournament is much like the heralded sitcom 'Seinfeld'. Nothing. Nothing about this tournament makes sense. Why was Ryan Gosling facing off against Tandem Bicycles? No idea. This tournament is basically a big fun waste of time. No one gets a trophy here. Bill Murray and Kel Mitchell will never know that they are facing each other in a championship on a blog. This whole things means nothing, and that is why I love it. It is now time for yours truly, to take the two competitors remaining, and decide which one will be the champion.
Kel Mitchell- Kel, Kel, Kel. Where to begin. You were a staple of my childhood, along with millions of others who grew up in the golden age of television: 90's Nickelodeon. I think I can speak on behalf of everyone and say that you were the real star, with Kenan as your somewhat less crazy counterpart. You were the funnier one, and in all honesty, seemed like you'd have the brighter future of the two. The fact that Amanda Bynes is more relevant than you is utterly disturbing. Every time I see Orange Soda, I think of you. Dan Allen made a great point earlier on when he said that it is insane how you haven't inked an endorsement deal with Fanta or Sunkist. Is your agent on drugs or something?
I don't know what happened with you and Kenan on SNL, but I can only imagine that you were extremely sick during your tryout and it had a lasting impact on your tryout and things didn't work out well. In a perfect world, you should be on SNL doing skits about topics like politics and the Kardashians and starring in Digital Shorts about dicks in boxes or lazy sundays and the like. The possibilities of you portraying Kanye West, Barack Obama and Kevin Hart is amazing, and I'm hoping you one day get a second chance with SNL. You are a hero of the 90's, but what have you done for me lately? It's never good for your career when the most relevant thing about you were fake rumors of your untimely demise, and realizing you were in a commercial for Sprite after doing some looking on the Google machine. You provided us with classic scenes and memories through the Kenan and Kel Show, All That, Good Burger and other Nickelodeon shows. Remember 'Figure It Out'? You were brilliant on that with the likes of Lori Beth Denberg and making Summer Sanders laugh mid-question. Glory days, man. You brought joy into the lives of 90's kids, and you will forever be adored by all of us. You may be out of your prime, but you're not done yet in this tournament, and life, I guess. You have certainly earned your spot in the world that is Pop Culture.
Bill Murray- The timeless warrior. I don't know where to really start. I think my first experience with getting to know Bill Murray is also my personal favorite: Caddyshack. Bill Murray helped make that movie, and he's basically a character just thrown in the mix. It amazed me when years later I learned that Murray, as Carl, had no lines written for him, and he just made it all up on the fly. That sort of things stuns me. His appearance in Space Jam (thinking back on it now, maybe Space Jam was actually my first time seeing Bill Murray) was legendary, and he was a contributor in the defeat of the Monstars, helping Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing and (most importantly) Charles Barkley regain their talent.
Even outside of movies, this man is a legend. He is a beloved figure on the popular website The Chive, which sells some pretty sweet tshirts of his face, helping to keep him relevant, although he didn't really need the help. What I like most about Bill Murray is his ability to be himself, anywhere. Bill Murray does his own thing, and just doesn't care. I respect that. He beats to his own drum, wears his facial hair in weird ways every now and then, owns PBR pants, umbrella hats and other unique items, because he can. All of us should try to be as confident and legendary as Bill Murray.
THE VERDICT: This is tough, as both competitors are definitely worthy of the title. As much as I was pulling for the YES!!! Chant, I knew who the eventual winner of this tournament would be, and that is Bill Murray.
'Hope.'
Kel put up a great fight, and I was pleasantly surprised that the panelists gave him as much love as he did, but in the end, this was Bill Freakin' Murray's tournament. The thing is, Bill Murray is still doing his thing. The Grand Budapest Hotel features our beloved Bill, and that seems like a real winner (classic Wes Anderson, man). Sprite commercials and death hoaxes can only help out a man like Kel so much. I don't know why Kel Mitchell hasn't had any opportunities lately in Hollywood, but the fact is that he should. I honestly hope Kel isn't done with acting, because anyone who has seen him perform knows he is super talented and naturally funny. As for Mr. Murray, his career is a hundred times more impressive than Kel, and he is more beloved than Kel. If Bill Murray walks into a bar, EVERYONE there should offer that man a drink. Finally, a lot of this comes down to the fact that Bill Murray is beloved for being true to himself wherever he goes, and that's impressive. It takes balls to wear some of the stuff he does and do the things he does, but he doesn't care, and he gets laughs from people. In a world where you flip on the news and instantly become depressed, you can always turn to Bill Murray for laughter. The world would be a much better place if everyone lived their lives like Bill and didn't worry about what other people think. Bill Murray is a true icon, both in life and in pop culture, and for that, he is the 1st ever Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Tournament Champion. Well done, Bill. Drinks are one me.
The Pixies are one of the most influential bands of all time. Period. Whether you know them from 'Where Is My Mind?' which played at during the final scene of Fight Club, or the recent iPhone commercial featuring various musicians (and even a marching band) covering 'Gigantic', this is a band worth knowing. Kurt Cobain wasn't shy of talking about the influence they had on him, which is kind of a big deal. A few months ago there was all this talk about who is on the 'Mount Rushmore' of the NBA which led to various other 'Mount Rushmore' discussions, but if there is an indie music Mount Rushmore, the Pixies are certainly up there with Arcade Fire (guaranteed after that Grammy win) and 2 other bands out of many which can be an argument on this blog for another day. Since they are from Boston and recently released their first album since I was 14 months old, I've decided to compile my list of the top 10 songs by the Pixies.
10. Caribou (Come On Pilgrim, 1987)- This is one song that could easily be at the very opening of a movie to really set a mood. It has a somewhat unsure start to it and eventually builds into almost an adventurous sort of beat. I also always liked the somewhat eerie wailing each time 'Caribouuuuu' is sung.
9. Snakes (Indie Cindy, 2014)- The guitars in this song basically cleared away any doubts people had about whether or not the Pixies still had it after not releasing an album in 23 years. It is somewhat of a statement song in the fact that it showcases that there is no rust, and that also that the Pixies didn't rush their comeback album like some bands do (Strokes, Taking Back Sunday). This song is still new and isn't quite a classic yet, but I felt that it should make this list. Also, A++++++ on the music video. A bit creepy but definitely interesting.
8. Break My Body (Surfer Rosa, 1988)- I really don't know if this is the proper terminology since I'm not a musician, but the only term I think fits this song is raw. I always thought it was a bit disturbing when there is a line 'I'm a building jumper, roof to roof you see me flying in the air' when the chorus is 'Break my body, hold my bones, hold my bones'. It just doesn't seem like a happy ending for the building jumper, which always puts the notion of a daredevil who met his unfortunate demise in my head when I hear it.
7. Wave of Mutilation (Doolittle, 1989)- Hey it's that song from Rock Band!!! Man I miss that game and the sweet plastic drum set. Moving on, this song almost has a cheery feel to it even though it's a song about mutilation, which is as far from a cheery subject as possible. This song always stood out to me when it came to drums. I just feel like the drums are prominent in this more so than other Pixies song which I think most people associate with guitars and the back and forth between male and female voices in songs. Wave of Mutilation shows that sometimes disturbing topics can be fun in music. Also was a fitting a choice to name their greatest hits album after.
6. Here Comes Your Man (Doolittle, 1989)- For a while I often wondered if this song was a cover from an old doo-wop song. This song just seems so different from other Pixies songs with that 1950's feel to it, but it is so damn catchy. Kim Deal's backing vocals make a big difference in this song and I think it kinda showcases how important she was to the Pixies. I think this is the most pop-y of all Pixies songs.
5. Dig For Fire (Bossanova, 1990)- This song certainly fits in the weird early 90's indie-pop scene. This song stands out as it's about an old woman and an old man looking for purpose as time marches on for them. In a way it puts optimism into a somewhat bleak idea of getting older and asking yourself "what now?" Dig For Fire is a softer Pixies song than most, which also helps make it stand out, but it is still catchy as all hell.
4. Holiday Song (Come On Pilgrim, 1987)- I always liked how this song has a sort of Spanish flair to it, which the Pixies have used on different occasions. This also has some classic Black Francis wailing/screaming in it. It's shorter and a bit more compact but it works in that sense because it makes you wish there was another minute or two of it remaining every time it ends.
3. Where Is My Mind? (Surfer Rosa, 1988)- By far the essential Pixies song due to it's popularity. That slow, soft intro that morphs into a kind of simple drum beat and easy guitar sound is iconic now this song is over 25 years old. Those distinctive oooooooooh's give it a Pixies trademark but also gives it a eerie feel that something may be off, in the best way imaginable. SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN FIGHT CLUB, THIS IS A WARNING, DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED: this might be the most fitting song in a movie scene, ever. As buildings blow up across the skyline and Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter hold hands and watch all the chaos ensue, hearing 'Where Is My Mind?' really wraps up the end of the movie with the whole split personality thing. The Narrator/Tyler Durden really has no idea where his mind is, but he accomplished Tyler Durden's goals, even if the Narrator knows it's not good.
2. Gigantic (Surfer Rosa, 1988)- This song is simplistic in terms of a theme, as it's pretty clear it's about an interracial relationship (and perhaps a certain part of the male anatomy), but that opening bass line and laid back voice of Kim Deal's voice telling a story is amazing. It hooks you in real quick and then the song kicks into a good ol' fashioned rock song. It's almost like a rollercoaster ride of calm and then intense, but it works out so well together, which makes it special in my own opinion. Also, this song is 26 years old and is currently in a new 90 second ad for an iPhone, showing that it is still relevant today and shouldn't be ignored by all people who enjoy awesome music.
1. Debaser (Doolittle, 1989)- This is one of those songs that I could listen to on repeat for days on end and never get sick of it. I love the tempo and the backing vocals of Kim Deal closely echoing (almost not letting Black Francis finish at times) 'debaser' throughout the song. The drumming by David Lovering is on point and the guitar is catchy as all hell and is there throughout the whole song. I think this showcases Joey Santiago as an amazing guitarist. It has everything in this song, from a opening bass line, some subtle screaming, it's ability to be catchy, and the back and forth of a guy and girl singing. I am a firm believer that this song represents the Pixies in the right manner: one of the best bands ever.
Holy smokes, you guys. Is it just me or are we down to 8 competitors left? I guess we're down to 8 competitors left. What a tournament so far. I think everyone who reads this is probably wondering how in the blue hell Judge Judy has made it so far, and I'm with you. It just goes to show how absurd the 1st Annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness bracket has been, and that it needs to come back next year. The unpredictability is at an all time high, which means that the following 4 matchups should be a real doozy. Our judges (panelists? Guys, seriously, which sounds better?) include dear friend Frank "Take It To The Bank" Gassert, Q, my roommate Matt "Alabama Slamma" Gaynor, Angela "Killer" Ju, Wade "Cannonball" Zawatsky, 'Hurricane' Annik Spencer and 'Dammit' Tyler Blatchley. Also, before we start, may we all take a moment to pay tribute to the legendary Ultimate Warrior. Without him, the world is a more boring place.
I would also like to start things off with an introduction from my good friend and drinking buddy, Q:
"Rock bottom. There are many that think they have been there, but the only ones who truly know what it means are those who have gone past it; below the rock and below the crust, all the way down to the molten lava and have felt its agonizing and inescapable burn. I discovered this when I was asked to write for Jim Kirwan's blog and I said, 'Yes.'".
Thank you, Q, for those touching words. Now, without further ado, here are the match ups for the Elite 8. May the odds forever be in your brackets favor. Or whatever that quote is. I haven't seen the Hunger Games.
1. Bald Britney Spears vs. WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant:
(watch at 2:33 for the full effect)
Frank the Tank: "Britney is hot. No matter what type of haircut she has. However, do I think Daniel Bryan is hotter? Yes!"
Tyler:"I'm gonna have to go with the obvious here and pick Daniel Bryan."
Hurricane Annik:"If I say WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant will you stop posting about it on social media and refrain from sending snap chats every Sunday morning where you're chanting YES!!! too hungover to function? Get your life together, Jim."
EDITOR'S NOTE: "No."
Gaynor:"YES. Because Jim loves it."
Wade:"Britney taught us all that it's ok to not have hair. This is a lesson that I, and many other poor souls like me, will be leaning on sooner rather than later. Hit me baby one more time (with some Rogaine)."
Angela:"I choose the YES chant because even though I was opposed to it initially, the movement has entered my life whether I like it or not. I've learned that it's better to embrace it than to fight it. And I think Britney looks better with hair."
Q:"It's hard to compare things that have nothing in common. When Jim sent me all the matchups for his Elite Eight I knew it would be like squeezing water from a stone. When I saw this one in particular, I abandoned the idea of trying to be funny and just wanted to write something that would make sense. The winner in this round is Daniel Bryan's YES!!! chant. It won because it is a call to action with a positive message. It's happy mantra for thousands of fans. What could be more positive than the affirmative? Wrestling fans may remember a few years back when Daniel Bryan (still a heel at the time) dabbled with the short-lived 'No!!!' chant. It did not have the same effect. The reason Britney's bald head is the loser is because it's the exact opposite of the chant. It is the physical embodiment of rock bottom, which was explained above. It was sad to see the unraveling of this young superstar. It was sadder still to see the way people reveled in her rapid decline. I see shreds of the same thing in the public's gleeful anticipation of Justin Bieber's impending doom. Britney seems to be doing okay these days, which is good. Hopefully Daniel Bryan's 'Yes!!!' chant victory over her bald noggin will help us to forget this ugly period in her very public life and help us to remember her as the teenie-boppin' sex kitten that we all knew and loved. But if we refuse to acknowledge her highs and continue to dwell on, and take pleasure in her lows, then maybe it really is time to leave Britney alone."
Winner: When you're hot, you're hot, and the Yes Movement is en fuego right now. Did it just beat Bald Britney Spears 6-1? YES. YES it did.
2. Kel Mitchell vs. Blue Ivy Carter:
Hurricane Annik:"Blue Ivy Carter because she was produced by the King and Queen of the World and was the first and probably only newborn baby to be included as back up in a song before she was a week old. Wait and she also has a multi-million dollar nursery in the Barclays. Did I mention Beyonce? Because I think that needs to be mentioned again."
Gaynor:"Blue Ivy Carter. Cause her name screams 'swag'."
Wade:"I pity Blue Ivy. I really do. There is no way in hell she will ever live up to the expectations people will put on her. I mean Hova plus Beyonce literally equals destiny's child. The kid could grow up to be a secret agent astronaut that assassinates Vladimir Putin and she still wouldn't live up to what people will expect out of her. And rightfully so. Anything short of a Grammy by her 4th birthday is a failure. Gotta go with the Repair-Man-Man-Man-Man on this one."
Angela:"100% Blue Ivy because she is a goddess' creation AKA Beyonce. And I don't know who Kel Mitchell is..."
Tyler:"Kel Mitchell because I had to google to see who Blue Ivy Carter was. Poor kid."
Frank the Tank:"Kel Mitchell- the dude who puts his secret sauce into cheeseburgers to make them taste good, aka Kenan's better half has likely fallen on some hard times as of late. However, due to the fact that I had to google what a 'Blue Ivy Carter' was when Jim sent this over to me, the king of orange soda wins this tilt."
Q:"This is an even harder matchup to pick than the last and not because the participants are so different or so similar, but because they are so irrelevant to anything. I figured that I had my finger pretty well on the pulse of popular culture but Jim stumped me on this one. I had to look up who each of these people are. It turns out that one is a grown man and the other is a baby. If I were a firefighter and I had to choose one to save this would be an easy choice. I would undoubtedly pick the baby. That would be the heroic thing to do. Luckily I am not a hero, which is why I'm hunched over a computer contributing to a pop culture blog instead of running into burning buildings. The winner is Kel Mitchell. He is the winner strictly for the nostalgic feeling that he gives people. Adults look back on his show and realize how corny and unfunny it was but still seem to enjoy it. What we are really laughing at when we think about the show is how we could ever have been entertained by something so grating and stupid. There is also a sense of shared childhood experience that his and all the other shitty Nickelodeon TV shows give people, which is actually kind of depressing when you think about it. Had he been competing with anyone other than a baby, he most certainly would have lost."
Winner: Kel Mitchell takes his orange soda and good burger into the Final 4 with a close victory over that Baby Blue 4-3. Kel Mitchell is the current feel good story of this tournament. AWWWWWW HERE IT GOES!
3. Judge Judy vs. Jason Bourne:
Frank the Tank:"How the hell did Judge Judy make it this far. Does anybody like that lady? Jason Bourne is one of the most boring, predictable, non-badass protagonists in modern movies, without any awesome catchphrases, yes he has no competition in this matchup so I'll give him the undeserving pity W here."
Angela:"Jason Bourne because he's badass and I used to have a secret crush on Matt Damon. And Judge Judy is a meanie."
Hurricane Annik:"I care about both of these about as much as I care about WWE, so not at all. I just flipped a coin and Jason Bourne won. He seems cool so I guess I'm okay with that."
Gaynor:"Bourne. Because Judge Judy makes $90 million a year."
Wade:"I was dreading this matchup. That is, until I saw this quote from the right honorable judge herself: 'Do you know when a gift becomes a loan? When the relationship is over. Have you ever heard that, sir? Well, neither have I. I just made it up. I'm going to put it on coffee mugs'. I mean not only did the woman just absolutely decimate that poor white trash bastard while simultaneously coining a multimillion dollar phrase Forest Gump style, but I'd be willing to bet you my goat that you just read that quote in her voice. When I think of Matt Damon all I hear is the voice of a mentally deficient puppet in Team America. Score one for Judy."
Tyler:"When I read this lineup the first thing that came to my mind was 'who would you rather do?', and honestly I'd do Judge Judy."
Q:"This is probably the easiest matchup to pick. Two characters paired up with one another and I just have to determine who is the more iconic figure in popular culture. The clear winner is Judge Judy. The Bourne movies are cool and Matt Damon is pretty good when he doesn't have a Boston accent and when he isn't telling us how we are murdering Mother Nature. That being said, if you took a poll of everyone in the world, I'd bet that you would find that Judge Judy is far more recognizable than the fictional character of Jason Bourne and more recognizable than Matt Damon, himself. She's on TV every day all over the world. She's also a real judge and has been one of the highest paid (if not the highest paid) women on television for decades. My final reason for picking her is that 20 years from now people will still remember Judge Judy. I don't know if you could say the same for Jason Bourne. I mean he's no James Bond."
Winner: Jason Bourne 4-3. Holy smokes. Was Judge Judy really one vote and swing of a gavel away from getting into the Final 4? Some things just don't make sense. Congrats to' Mr. Personality' Jason Bourne!
4. Buffalo Chicken vs. Bill Murray:
Frank the Tank:"Toughest call of the night right here. What makes buffalo chicken so great is its versatility. Sandwiches, wraps, pizza, taquitos... no matter how it's served, it's going to be delicious. With that being said, there are only about 4 people (Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, MacGruber and Timothy Olyphant) capable of putting themselves in the same class as Bill Murray. On a side note, instead of having kids take ethics and morality classes in school, they should be forced to watch Groundhog Day and write reports on it....over and over again. Awesome movie. Also, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is a great movie too, I have to watch that again sometime soon (I know Bill Murray isn't in it but it's still a good movie). Getting back to the point at hand here, Bill Murray wins, and he should take home the title easily..."
Gaynor:"Bill Murray. Because he presented the award for 'Best Shooter' at the Oscars."
Hurricane Annik:"Buffalo chicken even though I don't actually like buffalo chicken. I know I'm a failure to society and probably not even human for saying that, but I can't stand the taste. However, I think people's obsession with buffalo chicken is so dramatic that it has to be the winner."
Wade:"This one boils down to a very simple question: Caddyshack OR deep fried spiced poultry. It's a no brainer really. Billy wins every time. The man's a genius. He didn't just play the role of Carl Spackler...he transcended it. I know that all 1.4 million members of the Rizzini clan are simultaneously cursing my name right now and calling for a jihad against me, but it's okay. I'll be the one to say it. Bill Murray > Buffalo Chicken. Say it out loud. Should it from the roof tops. Let Bill reign from sea to mother fucking shining sea and pass me the chicken bacon ranch calzone from Izone. Oh and Space Jam doesn't happen without Bill Murray...Just sayin'."
Tyler:"This is a tough one. I love food and comedy. It's the perfect combination, but I'm gonna have to go with Bill Murray on this one. Even though I'm having buffalo chicken pizza for dinner tonight."
Angela:"BUFFALO CHICKEN. You can put it in a salad, in a sandwich, on a pizza, or by itself! I will always choose food over anything else."
Q:"This is a tough one because I like both of these things and also because it makes no sense to compare these two things. Unfortunately, much like the Bills, it seems that Buffalo just can never win the big one. The winner is Bill Murray. With me, I kind of have to be in the mood for Buffalo chicken to enjoy it, whereas I could watch 'What About Bob' or 'Groundhog's Day' anytime and still think they are funny. Buffalo chicken is also a pretty dominating food and it is tough to have it as a side unless you're a real fatty. This is another example of why Bill Murray wins this matchup is that he can excel in a supporting role. If you've ever seen 'Rushmore' or 'Kingpin' then you know what I'm talking about. Another reason he is the winner is because of a legendary story that I heard. A friend of a friend (as is always the case in stories like this) was in Chicago and he saw Bill Murray walk past him on the street. The young man turned around and made some smart-ass comment to Murray. The star turned his head as he was walking to look at the heckler, but all in all he seemed to take it in stride. A few hundred feet down the street the young man felt a jolt in his back and was tackled to the ground. He had just been speared by Bill Murray. As they were lying on the ground, Murray whispered into his ear, 'No one's ever going to believe this.' He then stood up and ran off into the night. I once heard him respond to criticism that he just acts like himself in every movie that he's in. He told the interviewer that, to a certain extent, it was true. He didn't really deny that he was being himself, but then added, 'Have you ever tried to just be yourself? It's really hard.' I'm probably misquoting here, but that was the gist of what he said and that's why he's moving on to the Final Four."
Winner: Bill Murray makes his way to the Final 4 with a 5-2 victory. Tip of the hat for a fine run by Buffalo Chicken. Maybe next year.
Finally, Q was nice enough to provide a recap of his selections:
1. Daniel Bryan's 'YES!!!' Chant
2. Kel Mitchell
3. Judge Judy
4. Bill Murray
If Jim is unhappy with my picks, then maybe he should just try writing his own blog posts for a change. - Quentin Staudt
Thank you all for participating in this round, and special thanks to Q, for whatever it is that you just did.
Reality is sinking in. Here we are, in the 3rd round of the 1st Annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness bracket, with quite the unique and interesting field remaining. The two big stories here are the emergence of Tandem Bicycles as a true Cinderella story, and the dominance of Kel Mitchell, after winning his matchup with Paris Hilton's DJ Career 7-0. Basically we have learned that no one is safe here, not even pretty boy badass Ryan Gosling. I'd like to thank our judges (panelists? I don't know what sounds better) for this round: Steve "Prime Time" Sheridan, Kyle "The Greek Rooster" Towne, The Artist Now Known as KP, 'Dastardly' Dan Allen who is making his 2nd appearance as a judge this tournament, and the human bracket founder himself, Anthony 'Townie Twan' Leonardo. Thank you to all the judges for the time and effort. Now let's get it on!
1. Fez vs. Bald Britney Spears
Dressed to Impress.
Steve-"Ironic that a fez is actually a dope ass hat made famous during the Ottoman Empire era but seeing as we're talking about Wilmer Valderrama I gotta go with Bald Brit. Living proof that you can hit rock bottom and claw your way back to the top. A true beacon of hope."
Kyle-"Alright. Well both of these are pretty spicy options. In my opinion, this isn't even close. Fez has killer dance moves, has a spot-on Fatso the Clown impression, and not to mention that full head of beautiful hair. Ha-Burn!"
God Bless Photoshop
Danny-"Fez was a product of the 1970s as evidenced by the name of the show he was on. Interestingly enough, the 1970s were a touchy era for race relations in the United States. Fez probably served as a catalyst for racial harmony in the US. He was ambiguously foreign; no one really knows his origins. By not having a background, Fez is able to surpass predisposed ethnic beliefs held by his peers. I don’t imagine Wisconsin being a very accepting state, especially in the 1970s, but Fez seemed to bridge the racial schism between blacks and whites by being neither. Bald Britney was but a phase for the pop star. The phase was certainly her rock bottom and lest we forget that she was coming out of a breakup with her husband and baby daddy, Kevin Federline. As someone who has been in a relationship once, I understand that both parties can be glass cases of emotion at the conclusion of the relationship. One possible avenue that has yet to be explored from this era of Britney is the Freaky Friday angle – is it possible that her meltdown with an umbrella, paparazzi, and #1 buzz all around triggered a personality swap between her and K Fed? Since ‘the incident’ K Fed has gained Britney’s baby weight and released some garbage Rhythm and Blues track that he tried to justify by wearing tall tees from Foot Locker and braiding his hair. Britney has only gone the complete opposite direction by releasing new music, looking great, and resurrecting her career. I’m not saying a Freaky Friday switch definitely happened, but it’s awfully curious that the idea is immediately dismissed by ‘people.’"
KP-"Bald Britney really showed us her own vulnerability and made us all able to really identify with her. She also looked like a cool pop alien. I also feel like Fez spits when he talks but idk idk."
Twan-"Bald Brit. 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to be blonde and skinny again.'"
Winner: Bald Britney Spears wins 4-1 in what I would have to consider an upset. Fez is so lovable, but he did not show up this round.
2. (New WWE World Heavyweight Champion) Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant vs. Skeeter Valentine
Twan-"Daniel Bryan's YES! chant. They say no means no but sometimes it's hard to tell."
Kyle-"I would like to say Skeeter Valentine was rocking the Electric brand long before Rickey Mansfield and Sixpack. Probably the most unique and awesome cartoon character in cartoon history. This makes it tough for me to vote against him, but the 'YES!!!' chant is something truly special. There is no stopping this movement. Hop on the train while you still can."
Steve-"A tough one, do you go with the current fad that's spreading faster than an Alabama trailer park fire or a tried and true icon of 90's culture? Daniel Bryan gave us a new way to celebrate momentous occasions but Skeeter Valentine taught us all how to be a friend. There will be new ways to celebrate in the future but your friends will be there for all of them. Skeeter all the way."
KP-"Skeeter Valentine because when I heard that Mrs. Pacitti said he was her favorite cartoon I made him my favorite cartoon."
Danny-"I don’t remember Skeeter. Does that make me a bad person? No. In fact it has no impact whatsoever on the type of person I am. But Skeeter’s lack of pop culture staying power is a major factor come Pop Culture Tournament time. I think Skeeter may be of purple or magenta descent, so apologies to any purple or magenta readers, but your chosen son will not advance. Put another way, Skeeter was a Cinderella story to make it this far and the clock has struck midnight, the carriage is a pumpkin, and the slipper no longer fits! In the other corner (just a little wrestling humor, ha!) is a good, no, great Irish boy named Daniel Bryan. What Daniel Bryan has been able to accomplish through his YES! Movement is truly amazing. As of this writing, he currently has a longer winning streak at Wrestlemania than The Undertaker. Also, the YES! Movement has gained popularity in feminist circles who believe ‘Consent is Sexy!’ It has not all been peaches and cream for Bryan as he missed out on a huge advertising opportunity this Spring when Bud Light approached him to star in its “Down for Anything?” campaign. Poor Daniel couldn’t hide his enthusiasm when posed the hypothetical question and couldn't stop shouting YES! in the poor producers’ faces. At the end of the day, Daniel Bryan has two first names and shouldn’t be trusted, which is exactly why he advances."
High Fashion. Honk Honk.
Winner: Thankfully, WWE Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan's YES!!! Chant defeated its most formidable opponent yet, Skeeter Valentine, 3-2. This was a difficult matchup for me to watch, as I respect both these warriors greatly.
3. George Clooney in Space vs. Kel Mitchell
Looks Interested in Space
KP-"Kel Mitchell is one of my best friends and the cutest person on the planet so obviously her."
Kyle-"Blowout. I could give two shits about stupid George Clooney floating around in stupid space with stupid Sandra Bullock. Kel Mitchell was the king of wordplay in Good Burger. Examples: 'Ed, I don't know how to say this.'-Kenan 'Oh, well, you just go, THHIIIIIIISSSSSSSS'-Kel. 'Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?'-Hot Girl 'I like to have dinner every night.'-Kel. Seroiusly, one of the most pure human beings of all time. He also did some sweet freestyles for Sprite and the NBA dunk contest."
Danny-"Let’s not fool ourselves here – this matchup is between Tang and Orange Soda. It is symbolic of the class struggles in America. Tang, the astronaut drink, represents elitism and the 1%. How many public school kids went on to be astronauts or could even afford space camp? Zero (estimated). Orange soda represents blue collar, hard-working, middle class, sugary refreshments. Orange soda is the 99% and it occupies our hearts. I’m not going to kid myself here; both George Clooney and Kel Mitchell have stunning good looks. That is an objective observation rooted in facts. But George Clooney wins everything. He’s perfect! George Clooney is Duke and Duke is George Clooney and I hate Duke. Kel Mitchell is for the kids! Kel Mitchell is for America!"
Steve-"Neil deGrasse Tyson said all that needed to be said about Clooney in space. If this was a question of whose life would I want to model mine after, Clooney is the no brainer but since its not I'll take Kel. I'll have an orange soda and a good burger way before I get in a spaceship with Sandra Bullock."
Winner: Kel Mitchell annihilated George Clooney in Space 5-0. Kel Mitchell is now 12-0 in voting the past 2 rounds. Is he the favorite to win it all? According to the Magic 8 Ball I just found in my desk drawer, the answer is, 'Ask Again Later'.
4. Blue Ivy Carter vs. Tandem Bicycles
Nightmares.
Steve-"Tandem Bikes no question, but only the ones that have four seats or more. Any object that turn heads like those bad boys do and let you hang out with your bros is a game changer. They might as well come with sticks because you're gonna need one to fight off all the ladies that will be flocking to you and your boys."
Kyle-"Tandem Bicycles. I'm sick of babies calling the shots."
Twan-"Blue Ivy. Affirmative Action."
KP-"Blue Ivy Carter because like lol tandem bicycles and also Blue Ivy Carter is probably empress of the Illuminati and going to take over the world when she hits puberty."
Danny-"Blue is a generation’s royalty. Her parents are elite musicians who have made tons of money and have been wildly successful. Tandem bicycles were actually created by lonely unicyclists who wanted some company but wanted to maintain their 1:1 wheel to seat ratio. Because I think unicycles are weird, I will advance BIC, but not before her dirty laundry has been aired. There is a very real possibility that Kanye West is the godfather of Blue Ivy Carter, meaning that Kim Kardashian would be forced to play a maternal role in BIC’s life, if something were to happen to her parents. Very scary proposition for the kid. Also, BIC is really just a generation ahead of Frances Cobain. Frances hasn’t made any headlines, for better or worse, so don’t expect a Pop Culture Tournament dynasty from BIC. And lastly, BIC isn’t even Beyonce’s child; she is Destiny’s Child. "
Riding to the Elite 8?
Winner: Blue Ivy Carter ends the Cinderella story of Tandem Bicycles, 3-2. What a showing by Tandem Bicycles. With the experience they've gained, another possible tourney run...or...ride, I guess...may happen again next year.
5. Judge Judy vs. Space Jam
Perfectly captured Judy placing her lunch order.
KP-"Judge Judy for sure because whenever I am in trial class I have grandiose visions of wearing a silk collared shirt under a robe and one of Sarah Pacitti's wigs and yelling at fake defendants about child support."
Kyle-"Although it has been said that Judge Judy has a fudge booty, Space Jam is a timeless classic. I actually hope they film a sequel starring LeBron James, because Lord knows he cna't carry a bunch of Looney Toons to win a big game, and once he chokes in the clutch he will be enslaved by alien Danny DeVito and all will be right with the world."
Twan-"Judy. The cases are real. Verdicts are final."
Danny-"In a topical matchup of 1990s cultural mainstays, daytime family court Judge Judy takes on an exiled gambling basketball player’s Looney Tunes movie. Judge Judy is a divorced home wrecker with a sharp tongue, apparently (just a little guy humor). She is famous for being a ruthless on her TV show that somehow still runs. She hasn’t changed her shtick in 15 years but still advances because of what Space Jam has become. Every basketball player wants to become the next Jordan. Once a player begins to approach Jordan on the court, he must also follow in MJ’s off court footsteps. Most players don’t make it past a signature shoe line. Unfortunately, LeBron James isn’t most players. LeBron has had his name floated for a Space Jam sequel and it is a shame. It shouldn’t happen. LeBron is too wishy-washy to take a stand against the Monstars. Just last night, LBJ is on record as being BFFs with John Calipari but spent the whole weekend tweeting about how great Shabazz Napier is – a move that would allow him to hedge his rooting interests. Last night was a “game” played by “student-athletes” as “amateurs” and LeBron couldn’t even explicitly say who he wanted to win. When the Intergalactic War comes, I want guys in my foxhole who I can count on. And LeBron, cannot be counted on. It will start with something as simple as saying he really likes the way the Monstars pressed against Jupiter’s team in the prior round and then by halftime he’ll be taking his talents to a galaxy far, far away. In this matchup, court is adjourned and Judy Sheindlin advances."
Steve-"Now Judge Judy makes about $43 million a year and has a net worth around $150 million, so while I respect the hustle, Space Jam is Space Jam and no grandma with bukubucks is gonna knock it off its pedestal. Space Jam wins this one from the parking lot"
Hello, Newman.
Winner: Judge Judy, somehow, defeats Space Jam 3-2. I might need new friends after this one. This was like The Undertaker losing at Wrestlemania all over again. Jeez. I'm taking this one pretty hard.
6. Leo DiCaprio's Nonexistant Oscar vs. Jason Bourne
Danny-"Leo is one of those actors that is universally loved. Loved by everyone except the Academy. I’m supposed to feel bad for a guy who literally everyone but a small faction doesn’t like? Sorry, but this is America. Maybe the USSR will rise again and ration its Oscars and Leo can Crimea River and annex his European villas. Instead, fictional real American Jason Bourne will advance because he is a war hero and someone who should receive sympathy (if he would even accept it). Bourne got his identity stolen and memory wiped. He spends 6 hours (over three movies) trying to recover it and get the girl. Talk about a Manic Monday! He’s also a trained assassin who is probably the most intimidating Tournament force since young Patrick Ewing at Georgetown in the mid 80s.
Kyle-"What has Leo even done that's remotely relevant? I think that the only 'Leo' movie I can think of is 'Don's Plum' and that movie was a train wreck from the time they came up with that stupid title. I'm going Jason Bourne, he's a badass, and later retired and bought a zoo."
KP-"Poor Leo. Ever since he did that little jig holding a mug of beer in the poor person under carriage of the Titanic I thought he deserved an Oscar; keep holdin' on neva let go."
Steve-"Jason Bourne is the Jack Bauer of the big screen, and while he doesn't have Jack's over the top persona or heroin addiction he does have his lethal arsenal of hand to hand combat and weapons training. Leo can drown his Oscar sorrows in whatever supermodel he is currently waking up next to, and I have a feeling it's more than one. Jason 'Jack Bauer' Bourne takes this one."
Twan-"Leo's Oscar. Jason Bourne isn't real."
"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!?"
Winner: Non-existant Jason Bourne defeats Leo's Non-existant Oscar, 3-2. What a battle between two wonderful Americans.
7. Buffalo Chicken vs. Beyonce's Surfbort
KP-"LOL Buffalo chicken reminds me of that drunk pizza place by PC. This one time my friend Marian paid for a buffalo chicken pizza with a hundred dollar bill which she called "glock" until we realized "glock" doesn't mean money. So yeah, buffalo chicken."
Danny-"No idea what a Surfbort is. I think it’s an autocorrect errort (HA!). What I do know is buffalo chicken. What a force whole white meat chicken breast paired with cayenne pepper sauce is. Imagine the amount of glass trinkets Buffalo, NY would be worth to the Iroquois if they knew what culinary miracles would be birthed in upstate New York. One thing is for sure, Manhattan was a steal compared to what Buffalo would go for knowing what we know now. Buffalo Chicken is 2007 Florida Gators in food form. UF could play all styles of basketball and I dare you to find a cuisine that wouldn’t benefit from buffalo sauce in the equation. Free financial advice: throw a dart at a world map, add buffalo sauce to the country’s cuisine and call it a ‘fusion restaurant’ and make millions of dollars so that you can retire to a nice log cabin in the outskirts of Greater Buffalo. Buff Chicks versatility is without a peer and it’s insulting that some misspelled aquatic accessory is even in the same breath as buffalo chicken."
Twan-:
Kyle-"Buffalo Chicken is one of my all time favorite foods regardless of where or how it is served. Although I chuckle every time I hear the word Surfbort."
Steve-"Queen B takes this one for me. I have a tender Irish stomach so I don't appreciate buffalo chicken as much as most (especially Matt 'The Rat Weams' Rizzini) but Beyonce's got something that everyone can appreciate, DAT ASS."
Grandma had no idea.
Winner: Buffalo Chicken wins 3-2, knocking off my most despised entry into this whole bracket. Surfbort is starting to drive me crazy.
8. The Song From Titanic vs. Bill Murray
Kyle-"Bill Murray will go down as one of the greatest human beings to walk this earth. His 'It Just Doesn't Matter' speech in Meatballs changed my life. Just too many classics on the screen, and off the screen he is just as incredible. Just Google 'Bill Murray Stories' and thank me later. Plus, I've always preferred this version of the song:"
Steve-"This song today still has people going wild but it's hard for one song to stack up against decades of hilarity. Bill takes this one in my book, and when God decides to reunite Bill with Harold Ramis it will be a sad day but we will have a collection of comedy gold to ease the pain because after all near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on."
Twan-"Song from Titanic. Osmosis Jones."
Danny-"Your friend and mine, Bill Murray advances but not for the reasons one would expect. Sure, Bill Murray is a beloved actor whose resume is far too star-studded to be viewed without sunglasses, but in this instance he wins by forfeit, because the Titanic never sank. The Royal Mail Ship built two huge ocean liners named the Titanic and the Olympic. Like most prudent companies, RMS took out insurance policies on both ships and that was that. However, on its first cruise, the Olympic collided with one of the Royal Navy’s ships and sustained damage because ships don’t collide with Naval ships and come out on top. RMS went to its insurer and wanted its cash to fix the ship but they didn’t receive a cent because the Queen’s Navy claimed that it was the Olympic’s fault even though everyone who saw it disagreed. To combat this, RMS swapped every item saying Olympic with pieces from the Titanic. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, RMS suddenly had an Olympic in Titanic’s clothing. Casting morals to the wayside, the RMS launched the “Titanic” into the North Atlantic, knowing it would sink and there would be enough ships in the surrounding area to negate casualties and allow the company to recoup its insurance money. Unfortunately, RMS was only half right and lots of people died. For that reason (and PBR pants) Bill Murray waltzes into the Elite Eight, uncontested."
KP-"I know a lot of people are really pulling for Bill Murray but as soon as the flute sounds of 'My Heart Will Go On' begins every person in earshot has no choice but to enter a moment of sentimentality and really reflect on their lives. Also, lol Celine Dion songs."
Who Would Spend This?
Winner: Bill Murray wins 3-2, deservedly so, although the song from Titanic does go on, in our hearts.
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