Before I start, I'd like to give a special shoutout to Shayna, the greatest waitress ever at Tavern In The Square (TITS!) in Allston. I'd also like to apologize on behalf of my friend for being a douche and ordering a Maker's Mark Manhattan on the rocks. Who does that? This isn't Mad Men. Anyways, thanks for putting up with us and saying that my card was way better than my roommate's boring accounting business card.
Now that Breaking Bad is over with and Mad Men is slowly coming to an end, the future of AMC as a powerhouse station may be in jeopardy. No matter how hard they try, nobody will give a shit about Low Winter Sun. This now means that The Walking Dead is the top dog of shows for AMC in terms of the future. Recently, it was announced that a Walking Dead spinoff was in the works, with different characters and story lines, but in the same 'universe' as the actual Walking Dead show. With this in mind, here are some possible ideas for this spin-off:
Sex and the Zombie Infested City: Carrie Bradshaw writes about finding love in a post-zombie apocalyptic New York City while her slutty friend Samantha keeps going from Zombie boy toy to Zombie boy toy.
Kinda disturbing.
Walking Dead: Miami- It all started with a dude on bath salts and a homeless person. What spread next was a zombie apocalypse unlike any other…apocalypse.
Pretty Little Zombies: Who Ate A?- Follow the girl's as they find out that about 16 different people who appear to be "A" get eaten alive, all while going to high school!
Walking Dead SVU- SVU is the one with Mariska Hargitay right? Love her.
2 and a half Zombies- Charlie Sheen comes back from the dead!
Modern Zombie Family- Those whacky Dunphy's are at it again! Check out the family deal with the loss of that annoying little brat Manny after he becomes dinner one night. Spoiler alert: Sofia Vergara doesn't die.
Zombies Next Door- After the Playboy Mansion gets overrun by the Undead, Hugh Hefner (still not dead) chooses 3 of his favorite zombie playmates to be his girlfriend(s). Follow the girls around as they wander around aimlessly and have the same IQ as Bridget, Holly and Kendra did in real life.
Queer Eye For the Zombie Guy- The Fab 5 are back to give makeovers to zombies who think that only gay men can be stylish, well-groomed and have great interior design ideas.
Pimp My Zombie- No doubt in my mind that Xzibit and the rest of the West Coast Customs gang will survive a zombie apocalypse. As a propaganda tool to help boost America's morale, the Pimp My Ride crew will pimp up captured zombies so the rest of the world can get a laugh at a zombie's expense every once in a while. I actually kinda miss Pimp My Ride now that I'm talking about it.
RZONJ: Real Zombies of New Jersey- If there is one state in the good country of America to be infested with zombies first, it will be New Jersey. After a popular tanning oil turns out to be a chemical attack, the general population of New Jersey have turned into zombies. Follow the action with your favorite zombie housewives as they bicker and pretend they are tough while they get paid money to have their meaningless, boring lives put on television for the world to make fun of! (Thank you Rizz for the idea)
Walking Dead: In Space- Honestly, if you can have Jason and his chainsaw up in space and make a full movie of it, you should be able to with zombies and make a tv series.
Teen Mom: Undead- Cameras follow around a bunch of zombie teenage moms as they struggle with their lives looking for brains and raising a kid at such a tender age. Hardships ensue concerning not being able to go to parties and realizing that their boyfriends may not be "the one".
DeadMen- A New York advertising agency in the 1960's use zombies to their advantage in the business world with Don Draper leading the charge of zombie marketing, while always being drunk, chasing skirts and keeping his true identity a secret.
weird.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
"Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!"
24: Zombie Redemption- CTU agent Jack Bauer saves America once again by spending all day killing zombies. This should seriously be made into a show. Seriously. You can't lose with Kiefer Sutherland shooting zombies.
How I Met Your Zombie: A lighthearted affair of the story of how some guy meets his soul-zombie. Neil Patrick Harris provides comic relief as a ladies man.
Zombie Dynasty: Cameras follow around the lives of a Hillbilly family who became filthy rich after creating a zombie call device to attract the undead.
Buffy The Zombie Slayer: After getting bored with slaying Vampires, Buffy is back and ready to take on a new breed of evil.
Zombie Meets World- Never mind. Boy Meets World was too awesome to have a parody of. We can't risk a beloved character like Mr. Feeny getting eaten alive.
Zombies of Anarchy: A gang of biker zombies cruise around and look for trouble. What is Sons of Anarchy even about? Did I nail the actual plot minus the whole zombie thing just now?
Walker, Texas Zombie Ranger: Chuck Norris is back and ready to take on Texas style Zombies. Using his true badass form, he takes on the zombie apocalypse with his killer kung fu moves, ginger hair and terrible one-liners. Throw some cowboy hats and spurs on the zombies and you have yourself a hit.
lol good one.
Touched by a Zombie- I vaguely remember this show being a type of Hallmark style thing. Touched by a zombie will make stay at home mom's quiver with fear instead of wiping away tears of joy or sadness or whatever the hell Touched By an Angel brought them.
The Young and the Lifeless: If WWF was considered a soap opera for guys in the late 90's/early 00's, then this gem of an idea should really be a smash hit. I have no idea what the Young and the Restless was about, but I'm guessing various love triangles and backstabbing. Throw in some bloodthirsty zombies into the mix and you can sign me up, even if it consists of a ton of over-acting and a weird quality of film being used.
The Zombie Bunch: Here's a story. Of a zombie named Brady. You guessed it, single zombie father of 3 zombie boys marries a single zombie mother of 3 zombie girls and becomes one happy, zany family who hunt down humans for fun. Don't forget their quirky zombie maid named Malice who will be providing the comic relief while getting underpaid!
I can't believe this has already been thought of.
2 Broke Zombies: I mean, it has to be better than 2 Broke Girls just on principle, right?
Last week, I had the honor and privilege of attending Riotfest 2013 in the fair city of Chicago, Illinois. To say the trip was blogworthy would be an understatement. I meant to do this blog last week but every year, like clockwork, I get allergies starting the final week of August and it lasts until the end of September. This is why I look completely stoned in my 9th-11th grade yearbook photos. I'm not as pretty and chipper (and apparently punctual) as I normally am during this time, and for that I apologize. Now, onto my Riotfest experience.
The trip was off to a fast start, as my friend Andrew and his lovely mother was kind enough to pick up my friend Danny and I at my house, and drive us to the airport for our flight. Things got off on a bad foot when I jokingly asked Danny if he had his Riotfest ticket as we were waiting to get picked up. Danny then put his hands to his head like Psyduck (had to get a pokemon reference in somehow) and told me he did not, in fact, have his tickets with him, and left them 15 minutes away in Riverside. This was kinda funny to me but still a pain in the ass, and Danny had to make the call of shame to Andrew to tell him the bad news. As Danny rushed back home to get the tickets, Andrew and his mom picked me up and we basically made fun of Danny for being an idiot the whole ride. We ended up getting Danny, gave him a slow clap as he entered the car, and drove off to the airport.
The plane ride was boring. Nothing fun happened.
We end up making it to Chicago in no time, and after dropping our valuables off at Andrew's friends' apartment, we were off to start the weekend right. We went to some bar called the Wild Rover or Wild River or Mild Quiver or something like that, and joined what turned out to be a flag football team commiserating after a tough loss that night. Apparently, this flag football team was sponsored by the bar and they get drink deals after games or something like that, so needless to say Andrew asked his friends on the team if we could get in on the action, and for some odd reason they agreed. While at this bar, I think it was Wild River, we started chatting up our waitress and when one of us asked her where she was from she told us "oh just a small town in Rhode Island, you won't know it", we all kind of freaked out and hated the fact that Rhode Island is so damn small that there was a chance that we had mutual friends. Honestly, I was shocked that we didn't know any of the same people. I'm almost doubting that this girl was really from Rhode Island, because it just doesn't seem possible.
Another character from Wild Rover I met was my new lawyer named Joe. Joe, I think I gave you my business card for the blog, and if you're reading this now, I hope you know it was fun and that you are definitely still my lawyer for years to come. Basically, after talking to Joe about life in general, and learning that he is in law school, I may or may not have drunkenly (yet seriously) hired myself a lawyer when he gets his degree. The trip was successful already and I hadn't been in Chicago for more than 4 hours. After enjoying some adult beverages and some appetizers, and paying 50% of what we should have paid due to this absurd flag football discount, we were off to some other place. We wrapped up Thursday night by going to some weird park where for some reason a frisbee was tossed around for a bit, and then went to Devil Dawgs. Every now and then, I have to give a shameless plug via Breakfast at Jimothy's. Normally it is only reserved for talented friends and people who I think really, really deserve it, so I'm not bullshitting you all when I give props to a place/person. When you visit Chicago, you need to go to Devil Dawgs by DePaul's campus. This place is wonderful. I went there about 4 years ago and remembered it, and convinced my friends and new lawyer to go back there this night. Two cheese dogs and fries later, I can honestly say that it was still awesome as always. Granted, I have never had Devil Dawgs sober or in the day light, but this place certainly has the Breakfast at Jimothy's stamp of approval.
Looks weird in the day time.
Riotfest didn't start until 4 on Friday, so we got to sleep in for a bit which I think was much needed for all three of us. To kill some time before hand, we decided to hang out by Wrigley Field and check out that happenin' scene. This led to Andrew showing Danny and I the greatest bar I have ever step foot in. Seriously, I didn't think it was possible that a bar could overtake #1 in my heart over Danny's Place in Providence, but Slugger's in Chicago might have done the impossible. Slugger's stands out because in addition to a bar on the first floor, there is an upstairs that has batting cages. Batting cages. If you're wondering if it's awesome to hit some baseballs while drinking, the answer is yes. It was amazing. This is what Dave & Buster's should be like. In addition to batting cages, there was skee ball, Guitar Hero, pop-a-shot basketball, some stupid Hurricane simulator machine that kinda blew (ha!) and the real gem, bubble hockey. Bubble hockey is such a rare sight these days. I love that game. I have to play it whenever I have an opportunity. You could put one of those bad boys in a funeral home, or, worse, Whole Foods, and I will have to play. So underrated.
I need me one of these.
After having the best afternoon ever at Slugger's, we went to the Cubs Proshop where Danny purchased the ugliest/best Cubs shirt ever, seen here:
Ugh.
Honestly, how awful is that shirt? They should make prisoners wear that instead of orang jumpsuits. That would decrease crime across the nation. Anyways, after Danny made the best purchase of the trip, we toured Wrigley Field which was pretty cool. It was kind of weird though, one part of the tour that they didn't show us was all the World Series trophies the Cubs have won over the years. I feel kind of jipped.
1908!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We arrived at Riotfest in time to catch all of Yellowcard's set. I think this was a very fitting band to see first. It really represented the core age group at the festival. I knew about 3 songs that they played, and the crowd went real bonkers when they closed their set with 'Ocean Avenue'. It scared me how I could remember most of the words to that song and not important things that I learned in college psychology classes. The general mood of the festival was really the rekindling of teen angst. It really catered to those people who miss the glory days of their favorite bands who they no longer listen to because their newer albums don't compare to their earlier stuff that they liked. Of the 3 days of the festival, this was my least favorite in terms of bands playing, but we did get to catch punk legends Bad Religion who put on a pretty intense set, and they even played the two songs I knew by them, which were featured on Guitar Hero and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2.
At one point, everyone got split up from each other. This was when we all realized how awful the cell phone reception was at Humboldt Park. I'm guessing it was because there were thousands upon thousands of angsty kids now in their 20's, but the signal really was bad. This was one of those times where I honestly don't know how people survived without cell phones. Doesn't make sense. So I basically wandered about searching for Dan in his hideous Cubs shirt. I really thought that it would be impossible to miss him in that shirt, but panic was starting to sink in as both the sun and my cell phone battery got lower and lower. Eventually, I found Danny over the band merch table, and we decided to go get some beers and check out GWAR instead of Joan Jett. For those of you who don't know GWAR, they are a band of guys who dress up in these outrageous costumes and are known for stage antics like squirting the crowd with a 'blood canon' and killing monsters on stage with swords and axes and stuff. It was pretty entertaining, but somewhat unsettling at the same time. My jaw really dropped when the lead singer ended up killing 'Super Zombie Jesus' and beheaded him, with blood squirting out of his neck. It made the Kill Bill movies look PG. After listening to songs about genocide, murder, and other cheery topics, we decided to go check out Sublime With Rome. In a word, they were awesome. Sublime is one of those bands where you just don't know what they really could've achieved had their singer not overdosed way too young. Their new singer, Rome, is an awesome fill in, however, and they were a great band to see live. They played all the crowd pleasers and there was a lot of sing a longs happening during their set.
GWAR just killing it. Not sure if that was meant figuratively.
The headliner on Friday was Fall Out Boy. Never was crazy about Fall Out Boy to be honest. Looking back on it, I remember preppy girls in middle school/early high school absolutely loving them, and the beginning of 'Dance, Dance' because it is so damn catchy. Anyways, back to Riotfest, Fall Out Boy was in their hometown and playing a lot of new stuff apparently, which annoyed some people, but they sounded pretty good I guess. Things got kind of scary when they had to stop their set for a bit to tell all those crazy mosh pit kids to play nice and pick up people who fall and stuff. There was one girl who had to be carried out in a stretcher, which is not good because 1. she got hurt and 2. she got hurt while seeing Fall Out Boy. Talk about salt in the wound. Sugar, you're going down, indeed.
We wrapped up the night by going to some other Chicago bars after the painful experience of finding a cab after a festival, which is never fun. At one point Danny gave his number to a girl while still wearing his Cubs shirt out in public, and tucked in, which was a real good way to start closing the night. After some more bar hopping, which included meeting a bouncer who joked around with us about Danny's shirt, and a guy hitting on me and knocking over a drink on me which was pretty awkward in numerous ways, we decided to call it a night and end Day 1 of Riotfest 2013.
This past week it was announced that Bruno Mars will be playing the Super Bowl halftime show. Bruno Mars may be talented and whatnot, but this choice just doesn't do it for me. For one, he isn't showboaty enough for my liking. With an awesome name like Bruno Mars, I feel like you should have a bit of flair and panashe. He's kind of boring to me. It also bugs me that he has the same fondness for weird hats a la John Mayer. Bruno Mars is talented and has a few catchy songs but he has me longing for the days of Lenny Kravtiz and the dude from Hootie and the Blowfish as the bro-chill black guys who white people like. Overall, not pleased with the decision, so here are a few things I'd rather watch during halftime of the Super Bowl in lieu of Mr. Mars.
Iron Chef: Macaroni and Cheese edition
Daft Punk playing Battleship
A contest to see who could smile first: Victoria Beckham, Jesse Lacey, Daniel Craig and Christian Bale.
30 minutes worth of the AT&T commercials with that dude and the kindergartners talking about life. Man, kids really do say the darndest things.
Amanda Bynes doing whatever she wanted to for 30 minutes.
ESPN have a 30 minute segment where they do NOT mention: Tim Tebow, Robert Griffin III, Mark Sanchez, Lebron James or Dwight Howard. This will be called "Mission Impossible".
Kenan and Kel reunite for a Good Burger skit
A conversation between Ben Stein and Pee Wee Herman about whatever they wanted. Maybe about dogs?
Kate Upton playing ping pong.
2 episodes of Hey Arnold! I mean, let's be honest that would be the greatest Super Bowl halftime show ever. Just set up a giant projector screen and show the Stoop Kid episode and the one where Stinky becomes the spokesman for Yahoo Soda.
Lil Wayne trying to play guitar again like that one time on SNL
Sarah Jessica Parker riding a horse (Horseception?)
The Smashing Pumpkins actually smashing a pile of pumpkins.
Nickelback and Creed fight to the death.
Hanson
The team of Regis Philbin & Robert Pattinson competing in the final round course of Legends of the Hidden Temple. They would be the Blue Barracudas.
Stone Cold Steve Austin highlights.
All 32 mascots playing a big game of flip-cup to determine something stupid like home field advantage in the Pro Bowl.
A random 30 minutes of A Knight's Tale (miss you Heath :-/)
A tribute to Amy Winehouse performed by Miley Cyrus.
Al Roker building his own pizza.
Giada De Laurentiis. I really like Giada De Laurentiis.
Bill Clinton playing his saxophone
Vin Diesel reading at a poetry slam
Jeopardy! skit with Will Ferrel. I don't care if it is a new one or an old one. I'll take what I can get at this point.
Sockem' Bopper Showdown between Lindsay Lohan against the other 3 chicks from Mean Girls.
Remember that hologram 2Pac performance at Coachella last year? Can we get someone good like Johnny Cash or Jimi Hendrix? I'll settle for Whitney Houston if I have to.
Kim Kardashian Celebrity Roast- Uncensored and without Kim being there.
Cee Lo Green on a treadmill
Dolphins playing with monkeys
Khloe Kardashian have a staring contest with a cow
Kristen Stewart eating a cheeseburger.
A debate about global warming between Mike Tyson and Dennis Rodman
Justin Bieber get bullied and stuffed into a locker by Kiefer Sutherland and/or Clint Eastwood
30 minutes of watching Taylor Swift locked in a room trying to write a song NOT about an ex-boyfriend. Her head might explode.
The other night, MTV hosted their annual VMA's, and it was kind of a disaster. I could go on and on about how hypocritical MTV is hosting an awards ceremony for the music videos that they no longer show anymore, or how Billy Ray Cyrus had a worse night than anyone on this planet, or how bored Rihanna looked when the attention wasn't on her. I am here to discuss the reunion of *NSYNC, which was a very hyped 30 seconds during a 15 minute Justin Timberlake set. I'm indifferent about *NSYNC. They annoyed me when I was in the 3rd grade because girls (they had cooties back then) wouldn't shut the hell up about those guys and the Backstreet Boys. As time marched on, I gained respect for Justin Timberlake. Mostly from his appearance on Saturday Night Live, but also his music isn't that bad. Good for that guy. Anyways, I started thinking what other bands/acts should have reunited at the VMA's instead of *NSYNC's 30 second cameo that was about 11 years in the making. Before I start, I'm clarifying that I'm only doing possible reunions, so no Nirvana, Doors, etc. Also, I'm not counting groups who came back or broke up recently. I mean, I'd love to include No Doubt on this list but they kinda came back last year with an album that supposedly came out, so I'm sorry Gwen but you won't make the cut. Without further rambling, I give you my top 10 bands who should also have reunited at the VMA's.
10. Limp Bizkit- I kind of miss Fred Durst. I wonder what that guy is up to. At one point, he was famous for wearing a backwards red baseball cap and got Ben Stiller to make appearances in Limp Bizkit's music videos. What the hell happened? These guys were angry and managed to make a few good albums songs in the late 90's early 00's. I learned a lot of colorful language from Fred Durst and co. as a youngin' and always kind of found them entertaining. This being said, even as a semi-closeted fan, I would never go to a Limp Bizkit out of fear of my health/safety and fear of my reputation being forever tarnished. This being said, when it comes to a trash heap of an awards show who likes controversial appearances, give me Limp Bizkit any day. Maybe that feud between Carson Daly and Fred Durst concerning Christina Aguilera can come back into play. Keep on rollin'.
9. O-Town- There is no possible way that time has been kind to these guys. I hated these guys mostly because the blonde dude's name was like Ashley Angel or something. What a dweeb. This guy should have been beat up in high school, not being a pop-star making money (probably all of which is gone now). I have absolutely no idea if these guys were talented or not, because all I remember was looking at them and thinking they were pansies. I can't name you a single song by these idiots but they would certainly represent MTV as former TRL darlings that really capitalized on their momentum.
a turtleneck? C'mon man.
8. Gorillaz- Real wildcard here. The Gorillaz are on a hiatus and such, and have hits to draw attention and make people miss them. The VMA's might be the perfect chance to showcase a cartoon band on national television. Basically it's like watching cartoons while listening to good music, which is a lot of people kinda do today unfortunately. It's like an awesome version of Josie and the Pussycats at an awards show. I'll take a cartoon concert over Katy Perry boxing/singing on a bridge to close out the VMA's any day.
7. Weezer- I know, I know. They technically can't reunite because they're not broken up, but let's face it, they basically should have instead of the the garbage they have put out the past 8 years. Seriously. Their album 'Make Believe' (you know, the one with 'Beverly Hills' and 'Perfect Situation') came out in 2005. They put out 4 albums since that, in a span from 2008-2010, and even as a Weezer fan, I cannot name you one song from any of those albums besides that annoying 'Pork and Beans' song and that song called something like 'if you're wondering about him wondering if you want me to or if you want me to' GOD I'M CONFUSED. Anyways, the point is, Weezer has been pretty awful in the past 7ish years, and this is coming from a guy who really likes Weezer. It's been a long time since Island in the Sun and even longer since the days of Buddy Holly and The Sweater Song came out. Weezer is a band with a bunch of hits, but the time off is much needed, and they can comeback at the VMA's, play some of their greatest hits, and everyone will be happy.
6. Vanessa Carlton- Who doesn't love Vanessa Carlton? Honestly I have no idea, for all I know she could be still touring and releasing new music, but I'm not googling it. I felt foolish enough having 'White Houses' and 'Thousand Miles' show up on my Spotify for all 14 of my followers to see. I like Vanessa Carlton. She always had that look where she looked wholesome but kind of miserable. It was very I-hate-this-shit-but-I-have-to-look-adorable. I also want to point out that both 'White Houses' and 'Thousand Miles' are songs that most guys know and love. You can really tell a guys comfort level with himself as a man if he admits to liking Vanessa Carlton. Show me a man who claims to not like Vanessa Carlton and I will show you a liar. What better place for Vanessa Carlton to make her triumphant return to the lime light than the VMA's. I bet she wouldn't even have to twerk on her piano to wow the crowd.
I'd walk a thousand miles for you, bb.
5. Rage Against The Machine- Speaking of Vanessa Carlton, another similar act who should get their shit together and just play music at the VMA's is Rage Against the Machine. It doesn't make sense why these guys are still on a break/split. You have a band who people would kill to see live or get new music from, and they just can't get their act together. When people bring up the whole Rap Rock genre of the late 90's and 00's, it usually gets a lot of head shaking and eye rolls, but there was one band who stood out and was legit, and is still favorable today, and that is Rage. If the VMA's ever want a head banging performance that will get people talking, as long as they keep it a secret until it happens, Rage Against the Machine would be perfect. I know that I'd personally be pumped to see Bulls On Parade or Guerilla Radio live on TV. I'm really pulling for this to happen. This would help me forgive MTV for sucking the past 13 years. By the way, for anyone who loved the game Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 you might wanna watch the video below. Kinda intense.
4. Guns N Roses- This may be a no chance in hell sort of thing, but it would have people talking. Axl Rose and Slash playing together again for the first time in around 20 years, putting the hatred and lawsuits and history aside, all for Music Television. Sigh. I realize that Guns N Roses are technically touring still, but that's only Axl Rose and a bunch of random dudes he picked up off the street- it's just not the same. It's like Diet Guns N Roses. They should be called Bullet N Petals at this point if you ask me. I'm taking the original lineup any day. Their first album, Appetite for Destruction gave us 'Paradise City', 'Welcome to the Jungle' and 'Sweet Child O' Mine', which are all favorites on today's karaoke scene. On a side note: it makes no sense how none of these guys are dead yet. This is seriously one band that should have like 3 out of the 5 dead from drugs or alcohol or something, but somehow they have made it this far. This gives even better reason to celebrate by letting bygones be bygones and performing at the VMA's! I'll tell you, there would be plenty of cougars out there who would start getting hot flashes while watching the VMA's with their kids if GNR came out and shocked the world. The problem here is that Guns N Roses getting back together has an unlikelier chance of happening than Khloe Kardashian looking good in a bikini. It ain't gonna happen. Let's put it this way: if Guns N Roses couldn't reunite at their own Rock N Roll hall of fame induction, then they probably won't reunite for the VMA's which, let's face it, really aren't as important as they used to be. This would be great to see, but we gotta believe it won't happen.
The 80's were weird.
3. The Smiths- Hospitals across the world would be slammed by an influx of hipsters having heart palpitations if The Smiths were to reunite at the VMA's. The Smiths had everything going for them 25+ years ago and just quit during their prime. They are one of those "what if....?" bands where it is truly a shame that they couldn't put their differences aside for the sake of good music. Morrissey has gone on to have a successful solo career, but it's jut not the same. Of course, if this were to take place, there would be millions of random people who never heard of The Smiths and then hop on the bandwagon real quick, which would annoy the masses of Smiths fans already in existence. All the possible fake fans aside, it would be amazing to have it happen, although the chances of it are slim to none. Proof? Morrissey is quoted as saying "I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian". Kinda graphic, kinda concerning, but really sums up the odds of The Smiths coming back. Also, they were rumored to be offered $75 million to do one tour and turned it down, so playing the VMA's might be unlikely if they were to miraculously reunite. NOTE: watch this video below. I think the two guys dancing in the crowd throughout the video were the creators of Molly.
2. Outkast- Hey ya! Out of all of these, it may be the most realistic to happen. I'm not the biggest fan of hip hop, I will certainly admit, but I always liked and admired Outkast. These guys were good. I still remember being awkward in the 6th grade, wearing some Marc Ecko shirt and listening to Ms. Jackson a couple of times a day to help build some cred with my new urbanized classmates. MTV loved Outkast, and rightly so. Outkast was another group who went out while in their primes. Hey Ya! and Roses came out and lasted a long time, only to have Outkast kind of fade off into the sunset with that being their last album. They have had their time off now and did their respective solo work, and it may be time to have a comeback. Another interesting thing to see would be Andre 3000's wardrobe for the VMA's. That's a man who knows how to dress. Outkast would be a homerun for surprise performances. You don't meet too many people who don't like Outkast. Everyone wins. They should play this years Super Bowl in my opinion. Beats the hell out of the Black Eyed Peas.
1. Creed- Just kidding. Although it would we be painful to watch these guys reunite, we could all still agree that although they are bad, Nickelback still sucks more than they do.
this is the worst picture I have/will ever put on my blog
1. The White Stripes- This was one breakup that made me lose faith in humanity for a short period of time. It really was amazing that this band, consisting of two people, who claimed to be brother and sister but turned out to actually be married and divorced, made such great music in their time. Every album they put out was awesome, and they kinda shocked the world when they announced they were calling it quits. I have the utmost respect for Jack White, who over the years has become one of the best musicians on the planet, and always stood up for Meg verbally, like shooting down critics of her drumming, or physically, like when he punched the lead singer of the Von Bondies in the face for making some negative comment about her. The White Stripes were sort of weird, but definitely brilliant. 7 Nation Army is going to be one of those songs that will still be played at sports arenas 50 years from now, and it would be tremendous to have them get back together at the VMA's. Who knows the possibility of this happening. I guess will have to just wait and see. And maybe pray.
Monday night was the season finale of The Bachelorette. I had never watched a single episode of this because it isn't exactly my cup of tea. That being said, I'm always one for becoming a more cultured person during this crazy little journey called life, so I gave it a shot Monday night. Like my mother, a journalist, I had my handy dandy notebook ready and my hands ready at will to jot down as many notes as I could while watching this. I'm gonna start this blog off with said notes and added comments, and then proceed to share my own thoughts on how I could make this show so much better if I were lucky enough to be named The Bachelor.
Just as a slight background for anyone knew to this, Desiree was very, very upset because on the prior episode, the would-be winner Brooks told her that he wanted to leave because he didn't love her (gasp). Visibly upset, Desiree had the unique problem of having two more contestants left who were vying for her love, who she clearly didn't like as much as this dude Brooks who left her high and dry. This leads us to Drew and Chris to have the chance to become the future ex-husband of Desiree. Now that we are all caught up in this love triangle that no one should be jealous of, on to the rapid-fire notes!
First thing is first, this rambunctious crowd of desperate housewives that make up the audience of this finale are frightening. I bet 100% of these women are huge fans of Fifty Shades of Grey. It looked like a giant PTA meeting with the intensity of a Jerry Springer-meets-Oprah crowd. It was a good night for babysitters in whatever area this thing was filmed in.
Lots of violins. Seriously, what is with the violin music? Setting the mood? These people are on a television show in Antigua, how much sadness can there really be besides one guy getting dumped, and by dumped I mean probably saved from a huge fucking mistake. I haven't heard violins playing this much on a television screen since the end of Titanic right before the ship goes down.
At the beginning of this episode, I realize that these two remaining guys are basically fighting for second place, which is crazy because right now second place means marrying this girl.
Seems like a good show for Kleenex to spend some marketing dollars on.
At first, I was thinking Desiree was the poor man's Rachel Bilson, but I'm now leaning towards the poor man's Katie Holmes.
Seriously, Katie Holmes or Rachel Bilson?
The audience questions was awesomely awkward. Kinda scared me to see some of these women take a stranger's narrowing down of 20 bachelors so seriously. The questions were so serious and these women were like the female version of ESPN analysts giving their predictions on NFL games. Somewhat unsettling.
Hearing these women say if they were "Team Chris" or "Team Drew" makes me long for the simpler times of "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob"
Drew looks like a modern day Patrick Bateman. I can't stop thinking he's going to pull out an axe and kill this girl. Kinda concerning.
Has a bit of Cooper Anderson in him doesn't he?
"I really need to talk to you" is probably the best line that can be said on a show like this. This is a phrase that is never a good sign in real life or reality TV. Poor Drew. This doesn't seem good for him. Get the axe ready!
Kinda felt bad for this Drew guy but c'mon did he really think he was going to win her heart by showing up to this final date in those purple shorts? He brought this upon himself.
I really can't think of a worse send off than being picked up by a creepy gray rape van off of the beach you just got your heart broken on. This show is ruthless!
Onto the final date with Chris: Real awesome cameo from that skipping fish in the ocean. Not so awesome was Chris and Desiree asking what it was. It was a fish.
Chris just gave Desiree a journal. A journal with prewritten poetry and quotes. Sweet mother of pearl. What a classless human being. Poetry is dead, and there is already writing in her journal. First of all, bro, girls write in diaries. Journals are for Doug Funnie. If he had any idea on how to woo a girl, he would have started a blog.
"Hey, wanna get married for a couple hundred days?"
This Brooks fella still seems to have a hold on poor, confused Desiree. This guy must be quite the catch! I really can't blame him for testing other waters. It's amazing to think right now that with only Chris remaining on the show (unbeknownst to him of course) that there is still some actual doubt that he might not get chosen. I am now starting to hate Desiree.
Chris is meeting Desiree's family which won't be awkward or anything. Instant reaction: holy shit Desiree's brother definitely has a few felonies under his belt. That guy is frightening. I don't know how I'd feel meeting a girl's brother if he was like this guy. I'd be intimidated by his tattoos all while trying not to laugh at his wardrobe from Hollister. Nothing is ever easy these days.
"Do you feel 100% confident she will choose you?" asks Desiree's brother. Since he is the only guy left, I will say that I kinda like his chances, but hey you never know!
Really on the edge of my seat for the ending. Looks like it'll come down to Chris or becoming a Nun. All the Nuns watching must be praying Desiree doesn't pick Chris.
Chris looks like a big Dave Matthews fan. Hope she turns him down for the Nunnery.
Dammit, she picked Chris. Big letdown here. I'll give them a year and a half of marriage, tops.
What a show, right guys? Just breathtaking stuff. I will admit it was somewhat entertaining but I found myself laughing out loud much more than I thought I would. This show was just so cheesy that it was kinda good. This was an absolute train wreck. This got me thinking: if I were The Bachelor and got to choose between 20 women, how could I make the show more awesome? I feel like this show needs a twist. I want to be the hero to poor guys who have to watch this show with their controlling wives/girlfriends. How can I do this? I have a few ideas:
Gotta spice things up right off the bat. There is power in numbers. Therefore I'm going to have someone steal some girls money or prized possessions while all 20 girls are in the house and try to frame as many people as possible to cause utter chaos. Obviously whatever was stolen would be "found" and returned, but the seed would be planted into the heads of these poor girls vying for my attention. Let the games begin.
Next up is to blow up someone's car. Think about it: why was Transformers an entertaining movie? It wasn't the chemistry between Shia Labeouf or Megan Fox, it was the explosions. Explosions make awesome TV. I'm thinking we get some sweet American made car, cash a check for product placement, blow it to smithereens and just watch the ratings go up week by week. Why would we blow up the car? I don't know but we can probably frame someone for it. Really add to the drama.
I guess we need to start getting into actual contests to try to woo me. Let's go with an emo karaoke challenge. Emo songs are awesome to sing along to. Anyone who has really let themselves get into some song like Seventy Times 7 or Cute Without the E (Cut From the Team) can attest to this. Therefore, what better way to make things awkward than to have a number of ladies start singing miserable, depressing tunes to win my approval? I'm kinda seeing this take place at a really shitty dive bar in whatever town this show would take place in on a Tuesday night so we are guaranteed some locals present.
Who makes the best macaroni and cheese contest. This contest would be taken very seriously. If there is one way to my heart, it is via macaroni and cheese. No breadcrumbs. Never was a fan of breadcrumbs. Is this a simple contest? I guess so, yeah, but let's face it, the importance here is at an all-time high.
Maybe I want some keepsakes from this show. I like art, so I'm thinking a portrait or sculpture contest. Who doesn't want a statue of themselves? I have a had a plan that if I ever become filthy rich I would offer my alma mater Providence College millions of dollars in return for a statue of me on the quad. It's the ultimate power move. Since that won't ever happen, I have to turn my thoughts to more realistic possibilities: me going on The Bachelor and hosting a contest where girls make a statue of me. Winner of this contest gets to learn my middle name and take my dog Oso on a walk with me. Really looking forward to this contest.
I'm thinking a mix tape contest would be great. Each girl makes a cd with 10 songs on it. Automatic elimination if a Dave Matthews, Beatles, or country song makes it on to the mix tape. This will really weed out the competition.
Drinking contest: I don't want to condone heavy drinking, but in this situation I will be in the entertainment business, and this would be pure gold. Who can shotgun the most Keystone Lights in an hour, the winner gets to go on a date with me to moderately priced Hibachi restaurant.
My buddy Tyler always gives me crap and claims that I'm a terrible friend to him, which I'm not. At one point I even wrote a blog for him on Valentine's Day trying to get some ladies to go after him, and he was so ungrateful. I'm sick of being called a bad friend. Therefore, I propose a "Who can punch Tyler the hardest" contest. Everyone likes a girl who can hold her own. Grit and strength go a long way here people. Basically, everyone wins: viewers, me, the girls, everyone who Tyler has double-crossed over the past 23 years. Nothing can go wrong here.
Finally, at some point I'm going to fake my own death during the show. Turn this quest for love into a quest for finding my supposed murderer. This would be an interesting challenge as I can see who grieves my loss the most. True sadness over a fake murder can really show a man that they care, and it could give them or lose them major points in the quest for my love. Of course, in the shocking finale, I'd show up at my own funeral Huckleberry Finn/Tom Sawyer style and surprise everyone with a sweet catchphrase and make my decision of who I choose, if anyone.
This has the chance to really boost ratings for The Bachelor. I hear some guy named Juan Pablo was just chosen to be next season's bachelor, so let me officially toss my hat into the ring for following Bachelor show contest thingy. I can promise you chaos, explosions, and probably not true love because let's be real, you're not gonna seriously fall in love with someone on a TV contest.
Sometimes, things don't make sense. Nirvana's Nevermind wasn't named Spin Magazine's Album of the Year in 1991. Sharknado is somehow a popular movie. The newborn Prince wasn't named Ferris. In a world where things don't often make sense, sometimes we need to slow down and have a reality check with pop-culture in today's world. Pop-culture on it's own stands at times for what little sense it has, and sometimes it can be confusing. Every now and then it can be nice to have some structure and talk about pop-culture with some added common sense. For this, I hit my lovely and dear friend Annik, who has common sense (for the most part) and good taste in music, with 20 questions about today's pop-culture world. Simple idea? Maybe. Entertaining? Yes. Enjoy this 20 question survey, and special thanks to Annik Spencer for taking the time out of her hectic, diva-like schedule to answer these. I can promise you it is better than Spin's Album of the Year in 1991: Teenage Fanclub's Bandwagonesque. Well done, Neexster.
1. Who is the Bob Dylan of our generation?
Beyonce
2. Mean Girls turns 10 next year. Looking back on it, how did a Linsday Lohan movie become such a classic?
To start off, I believe that LiLo is truly a great actress who wasn't given the right opportunities to be remembered besides The Parent Trap and Mean Girls. That being said, Mean Girls has become a classic piece of cinema because it's so relatable. There's not a day that goes by that I don't recite a Mean Girls quote. Girls like Mean Girls. The LGBT community likes Mean Girls. Straight guys like Mean Girls. Parents like Mean Girls. Even my Pop-Pop, who is 86 years old, likes Mean Girls. I think you catch my drift...
You can go shave your back now. Bye Jim.
3. Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, which celebrity do you think will kick the bucket next?
After Amanda Bynes, which will probably happen in the next 24 hours: J. Biebs. And I can't wait.
You can attempt to hide your face, but not the hatred.
4. Is EDM here to stay or is it just a fad that won't go away (LOL THAT RHYMED)
Not here to stay. The day it ends will be a very sad day for PLUR-ers everywhere.
5. Give me a band/artist that more people should know about.
I'm afraid that I have to shamelessly plug my good friend Sarah Borrello because she is THAT GOOD. I have no idea why she isn't ridiculously famous and inviting me backstage at her shows already. Go buy her music on iTunes right this second. I promise you won't be disappointed.
I'm sorry I had to do that. I'm a public relations major.
(ed. note: I have seen Sarah sing in person and Annik ain't kidding, she's very, very talented. Check her out people)
6. Have any good jokes?
Why do you always ask me this? No I don't have any good jokes. All of my humor comes from being sarcastic. Plus, this is a blog post about pop culture.
7. What was the best 90's toy?
Tamagotchis! But can we talk about how needy they were? Why was I tending to every need and want of a little electronic alien-looking pet? I was five! I could barely take care of myself. Although, I really think they could make a comeback in high school health classes to teach girls about teen pregnancy.
All of that aside, I downloaded the Tamagotchi app on my phone last week.
8. What is the best show on TV right now?
Parks and Rec
9. Will there ever be a better wrestler than Stone Cold Steve Austin?
I have no idea who that is and I don't care. They were playing wrestling on the TVs at a bar I was at the other night and I made them change the channel because EW. Who wants to watch people hit each other until they bleed? Isn't that the type of behavior you're supposed to run away from and call the cops?
(ed. note: I disagree with everything Annik said in response to this question. Enjoy this video.)
10. I'm going to London in like 2 days. What should I do there?
When I went to London seven years ago I went on an amazing Beatles tour! I can definitely give you the name and number of our tour guide if you'd like.
11. What baseball team has the stupidest mascot and why?
My dad would probably take me out of his will for saying this but the Phillie Phanatic. I'm sorry but what is that giant creepy, green monster supposed to be? And don't even get me started on its mouth. I think it uses its mouth to suck out people's souls like a dementor.
So much nonsense.
12. What're your thoughts on the comeback of vinyl records?
They're great if you drink all of your beverages out of Mason jars while riding your classic Razor scooter to Sunday brunch in Brooklyn.
13. What comes to mind when you think of Beyonce?
See question 1.
14. Did you have a Razor scooter? If so, what color did you have and do you think they will come back as the new hipster craze?
It's funny that you bring that up. Mine was green and I was so obsessed with it that my mom insisted that we bring it on our month-long vacation to Scotland. She literally brought it in a carry-on on our flight. Talk about dedication. As for the hipster thing, see question 12.
Ol' Faithful.
15. Do you think Oasis was overrated? Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova were good songs but when I think of British rock bands today I think that both Radiohead and Blur surpass Oasis.
Seems like you answered your own question. I'll just add this: Beatles > all other British rock bands ever. Sorry, it's true.
16. Speaking of bands with fighting brothers, should Kings of Leon just stop making music?
I actually just had to Google Kings of Leon to find out what they're up to so I guess that answers your question...
These guys stink.
17. What is your go-to funny youtube video to show people?
The video of the baby laughing at her dad ripping paper. I really have no idea why I think it is so funny.
18. Why do you people still keep up with the Kardashians?
Because Rob's fat now, Kim named her child after a direction and both Kylie and Kendall are finally at an age where guys can fantasize about them without feeling creepy.
Nightmares.
19. What do you think the Prince should have been named?
Vince. For obvious reasons.
20. You get to go to a dinner party with any 5 people in the world, living or dead. Who are they?
Beyonce, Adam Levine (his fiancee WOULD NOT be invited), Jennifer Lawrence, Atticus Finch, and the guy who decided that iPhone chargers should be three inches long so I could yell at him and ask him to leave.
So apparently a Prince has been born over in jolly old England today and it's kind of a big deal I guess. Now that the gender of the child has been revealed, there is still some mystery of the name. Honestly, I was hoping for a girl, and for her to be named Peach. This way, in case Princess Peach were to ever be in trouble, we could look forward to a pair of Italian brothers to come to the rescue. Don't think that Peach is too far out of the ordinary. Chris Martin from stupid Coldplay and Gwyneth Paltrow (okay, Iron Man isn't bad, but you will never be forgiven for Shallow Hal and Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow) named their kid Apple, so why not Peach? Alas, this is a moot point because this incredibly lucky and privileged child is a boy. I will now provide the top 5 names that this kid should be named. Prince William and Harry seem somewhat blah, and since this kid will one day be King, he needs a good name.
1. Ferris- I think this is a good Christian name, right? Who doesn't like Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Correct: no one. It might very well be the greatest movie of all time. The name Ferris embodies boldness, determination, creativity, cunning, charm, wit, and the ability to have a great day off. Why isn't this name more popular? The more I think about it, the more I question society. I was born in 1990 which was only a few years after that movie came out. I know absolutely no one named Ferris. This is a travesty. If the royal family wants to get their name right, they should start a real trend by naming their son after the greatest fictional character ever. That's it. I'm going to name my son Ferris. No questions asked.
Leisure Rulez
2. Austin- This is a very strong possibility in my eyes. Austin would be a fantastic name. The royal family would really be paying homage to the greatest and arguably most important man from England: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. On numerous occasions, Austin had to save England from Fembots, corrupt Doctors, midgets, and Seth Green, all while doing so with numerous puns and sexual innuendos. It is about time Austin Powers got the respect he deserves. Hell, the man made Beyonce his sidekick at one point, and he could travel time.
"I thank you"
Even if the royal family doesn't want to name their child after a man who wears velvet suits and puffy white shirts, they could still use the name and pay homage to another world hero: Stone Cold Steve Austin. King Austin 3:16 could be a very powerful statement in the near future. Just imagine England's national anthem but now with the sound of glass breaking at the very start of it, in honor of King Austin. Might cause some chaos with everyone greeting each other with middle fingers instead of handshakes, but you win some you lose some. If England ever went to war, they could say they opened up a can of whoop-ass on (bad country name here) and it would be awesome.
"If you think the Prince should be named Austin, gimme a hell yeah!"
3. Tuukka- No? C'mon. 2 U's! 2 K's! Sure it's Finnish, but so is Teemu Selanne! King Tuukka! He was great in the playoffs! Ugh. Fine. Skip Tuukka. :-(
Avicii?
4. Prince- I think that the 'Artist Formerly Known as Prince but Now Goes By Prince I Think' had a cool idea by going by a symbol for a few years. That's innovation if you ask me. Nothing says royalty by foregoing a name and just giving your son a title. This title can even by in the form of a sweet symbol. Over in Europe it seems like families have sweet crests and cool symbols, and that is just the common folk. Imagine how awesome the symbol would be for a Prince, which doubles as his name. If I were going to choose a symbol for my name, it would be similar to the cool one the Ramones had with the eagle holding a baseball bat and stuff. The symbol needs to show people that yes, he is royalty, but also that he can party and shouldn't be a person to mess with. It may be somewhat awkward when Prince becomes a King and then goes by King Prince, but that sounds somewhat badass as well. King Prince. Sounds youthful if you ask me.
...on second thought
5. James- As a fellow James, this would not bug me at all. I tweeted about my hope of this being the name, and my arch nemesis Tori Parella questioned me about "wouldn't that make James mainstream blah blah blah". No. Who doesn't want to share a name with royalty? James is already a common enough name, but it really gets some pizazz by throwing a 'king' in front of it. Sure it'll be 'prince' in front of it for a while but in due time, my friends, in due time. I almost won East Providence High School Homecoming King (3rd out of 5) back in the fall of 07, thus almost giving me a taste of royalty, so I think I can relate to how awesome it would be to have a King James. Some may also be in favor of King James because it would annoy the hell out of LeBron James. I feel like this would infuriate an egomaniac like him. On a side note, there have been prior Kings named James, so why didn't he choose King LeBron? That's kinda unique. I have to google it, but there can't be all that many King LeBrons out there. Lastly, I really couldn't face my readers in the eye without telling them that I am mostly pulling for James on the off chance that the Prince goes by Jimothy. Do you realize how much more traffic this blog would get!? It would skyrocket. I'm begging you, Willy and Kate, name your child James. Breakfast at King Jimothy's needs to happen, with your blessing of course.
How did I not win Homecoming King?
Whatever name they choose, I'm sure it'll be lovely. Congrats England, you're kind of on a roll lately. Wimbeldon, Tour de France, now a new baby to creep on for years to come. You should name him James.
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