Very Sad: A 2023 Boston Bruins Playlist

Alright so the Bruins may or may not have broken a lot of hearts this past Sunday night. What was a historic regular season turned into an utter embarrassment as they lost in 7 games to the shitty Florida Panthers. I won't dwell on the series long outside of keeping in mind that it was the Florida god damn Panthers. Leading up to the end of the season, Bruins coach Jim Montgomery chose to make Bryan Adams hit "Summer of 69" the official team song, as it was the "best days of our lives". That choice of song was the first time I thought to myself, "hmm...maybe this won't end well". That song kinda sucks. It's just...Bryan Adams. I don't think anyone on the planet considers that their favorite song, no matter the situation. The purpose of this blog is to give all of you still reeling from the epic playoff disaster a playlist that will make you feel bet....well it'll make you feel something.

I want to address the angst, needs and frustration all Bruins fans are feeling. Therefore, it may be eclectic but I think I compiled a nice 20 song playlist that you can all come to appreciate. And if you don't appreciate it? Well, Bucko, I believe that I have the best taste of music ever, so, there!

Without any further ado: The 2023 Boston Bruins Playoff Disaster Playlist

'Family Reunion' - Blink 182: If you are familiar with this song, you know why it is here. If you are not familiar with this song, I'd recommend googling the lyrics or make sure you listen to it with headphones on because the words may shock anyone nearby who may overhear. I reckon many of us were singing...well, saying, these lyrics in some way, shape, or form when the Panthers tied up the game with a minute left.

'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' - The Smiths: Food doesn't have any taste. Things are numb. Joy is lost. Everything stinks.

'Until the Day I Die' - Story of the Year: This is a throwback song to get the anger out. I like to think I spill my heart for the Bruins, and whatever is spilling out of said heart is definitely black and gold. The screaming in this song is a good way to get the frustration out. 10 out of 10 don't recommend trying this at Karaoke. Your vocal chords are precious, people! Take care of them!

MTV2 flashbacks for anyone else?

'Boys Don't Cry' - The Cure: Right? RIGHT!?

'Thank U' - Dido: I would like to thank the Bruins for giving us the most fun regular season I have ever seen in my entire life! Every single game seemed like they had a chance to win, no matter the odds. That cannot be cast aside. It was a fun run. Oh god dammit who am I kidding this sucks the regular season is meaningless and NONE OF THIS MATTERS WITHOUT A STANLEY CUP GAHHHHHH WHY GOD WHY.

'Constant Headache' - Joyce Manor: This one goes out to Matthew Tkachuk. I hate him but I sure wouldn't mind if he was a Bruin. What a pain in the ass. 

Zack Kassian doing the Lord's work here.

'Rock Lobster' - The B-52's: Okay so I know this one seems random but hear me out. There is no wrong time to listen to Rock Lobster. It is a weird, catchy-as-hell song, and it provides the listener a great distraction from things when they make all the supposed noises of sea creatures like narwals, sea robins and even jellyfish. It really is an amazing song when you come to think of it. Kind of haunting? Anyways, it's a distraction to quit thinking of Sam Bennett being such an annoying prick all series long.  

'Hard to Explain' - The Strokes: A song fitting for when a team who won 65 out of 82 games in the regular season gets bounced in the first round of playoffs to the little brother team of Florida, who has something called a Radko Gudas playing defense for them. Nothing makes sense. 

'Let's Get Fucked Up and Die' - Motion City Soundtrack: I'm (not) speaking figuratively, of course. I imagine this was the general feeling of the crowd leaving the Boston Garden in the pouring rain on their way to Sullivan's Tap. In times like this, as the Irish like to, you just have to look towards the bottom of a glass in silence to try and figure out what the hell just happened. Please note: there is never a good answer. 

'Break Stuff' - Limp Bizkit: I'm not telling you to always follow the advice of Fred Durst and Co. but this song at the very least sums up what a lot of us wanted to do (they were up 3 games to 1 and blew it!!!!!!!! God I hate sports so damn much).

'The World Has Turned and Left Me Here' - Weezer: A song of loneliness to pair with the abysmal feeling of being left out...of round 2 of the damn playoffs. 

'That's Life' - Frank Sinatra: I mean, yeah disappointment is a part of life. I'm more interested in the end of the song where Ol' Blue Eyes says he wants to roll up into a big ball and diiiiiiiiiiiie. 

'Cruel Summer' - Bananarama: I think back to 2011 and how awesome of a summer that was. To be fair, turning 21 that July helped things, but having that Stanley Cup winning run happening all summer long was amazing. This summer? A whole lot of what if's and god-dammits while thinking of what could have been. Cruel indeed.

2011 was awesome. So many Miller Lites in Vortex bottles

'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?' - Culture Club: I know they didn't want to hurt us, but the hurt happened. 

'I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself' - The White Stripes: What the shit am I supposed to do from now until mid June? Watch some other trash hockey team go out and win the Stanley Cup? Time to take up some new hobbies. Crochet sounds nice. Maybe there's a bobsled track nearby? Need to pass the time.

'I'm So Tired' - Fugazi: A nice simple song from hardcore legends Fugazi. "I'm so tired, sheep are counting me". Yep. I'm so damn tired of being disappointed year in and year out. 

'It Will All End in Tears' - The Drums: Sad. Self explanatory. Would've been a lot cooler if it ended in tears of happiness. 

'What It Is To Burn' - Finch: For the emo's out there. It's really just about that guttural scream after the big breakdown. It's rather fitting to get out the angst and emotions after all those turnovers the Bruins gave up. 

'My Hero' - Foo Fighters: This one goes out to Patrice Bergeron. The man is a saint. There should be a statue of him already in the planning stages. If this was indeed it for the Captain, it was a hell of a run. He is a hockey coach's dream example of a perfect player on and off the ice. 

'Somebody Kill Me Please' - Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer: 'Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me please, I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please, kill me'. Drastic? Absolutely! Does it hit home after the events of Sunday evening? Also, absolutely. 

This one hurts. It's going to take some time to get over this one. 

Nothing makes sense.

Up is down. Left is right. 

Misery. It's all the rage right now.

Not Very Cool(ey) Of You!

Well cut off my legs and call me Shorty! Today was not the greatest day for fans of the recently underwhelming Providence College Friars. The Friar Faithful all took a shot to the nether regions when our worst nightmare of coach Ed Cooley leaving became true. Not only that, but leaving to take the helm of fellow Big East member/rival Georgetown. Basically, Ed Cooley is Tom Sandoval, Friar fans are Ariana, and Georgetown is Raquel. I guess this makes me James Kennedy because here I am about to rant and rave like a lunatic but hey whatever works. 

What the shit gives, Ed?

I’m going to get all the praise out of the way to get it out of my system. Coach Cooley was good for PC. When he took over for that dolt Keno Davis, it was a sort of dark ages for PC Hoops. Cooley came in and turned it around relatively quick. It’s hard to complain when they won a Big East tournament title, a Big East regular season title, multiple trips to March Madness, making the transfer portal his bitch, and overall building PC into a team that was no longer a joke. For that, I thank you! It was a hell of a run. It was nice to no longer be a laughingstock, basement dweller charter member of the Big East. As I write this, I’m kind of feeling slightly bad about ripping a guy who did all this…but then I quickly remember how the last month of the season went, and all the questionable at best nonsense that has come out in the last few days. 

I don’t really feel too bad anymore.

As it turns out, Cooley put his house in East Greenwich up for sale 3ish weeks ago, which coincides perfectly with the slump that began for the Friars. The team definitely found out and gave up all hope, and who can blame them? Why bust your ass and play hard for a guy who already made up his mind to sell out and go to a rival school before the season is even over? For someone who always prided himself on professionalism, stepping up and doing the right thing, this is how you are going to leave PC? Take care of business, except when that new job offer is waiting for you. You owed it to this fan base and the kids you recruited to at least give it your all for the rest of this year. This was not a lost season up until 3 weeks ago. This team could have made a run in March Madness but it all went to hell, and it’s a shame. As for the future, it’s also a damn shame that you’re ripping apart this program that you built up. Kids are de-committing already, and apparently some kid from TCU agreed to transfer to Georgetown amazingly quick after the news broke. I know there was a follow up report that it’s not true and the kid hasn’t actually decided, but we all know you brokered that shit to get him to Georgetown while you were still under contract at PC, and that’s shady as hell. That interview you did was bizarre and no one believes a word that you say. “This was my dream job”. “It’s not about the money.” Yeah okay. Do you think we are stupid? Not one fan thinks that Georgetown asked you what you wanted and you did you best Dr. Evil impression and said ‘I want Six MILLIONNN DOLLARS!’ And Georgetown was just like oh okay yeah sure. 

We all know you looked up to Georgetown (…and PC) legend John Thompson. I know you’ve mentioned how big of an influence he was and how you wanted to lead a program like him. That’s all well and good Buddy but why couldn’t you have done it here, where you already had something built? Just because you want to be like John Thompson doesn’t mean you have to do it at Georgetown itself. You could’ve had it all here in Providence. You had the path to carve out a nice long career here. You’ll could’ve had a statue out on the Aquinas quad. You could’ve gotten your own line of local pasta or Marinara sauce like Rick Pitino and Buddy Cianci did. There could very well have been a Cooley Center built on Eaton Street. But now? Now you’re just like the rest of them. Pitino, Barnes, and all the rest who simply used PC as a stepping stone. Unlike the others, you were the one to be all proud to be a son of Providence. Coming home to a ‘dream job’ who took great care of you. How many raises did you get from PC? You had it all here and now you’ve taken everything you built up just to go to a rival in the same damn conference. Fans would have been much more understandable had it been a job with Duke or UNC or something like that. Not a program that Patrick Ewing left in a worse state than his own knees. 

You want to be John Thompson? Best of luck to ya! You’re chasing a legacy that you simply won’t match at Gtown, with a very tall shadow lurking that you won’t be able to escape. I think Thompson himself would be questioning why you’re giving all this up. 

The state of Rhode Island has a bit of a Napoleonic Complex. Do not cross us! This place is small but mighty! It’s not all sunshine and Del’s lemonade stands. I cannot wait until the day comes that you come back to the Dunk (Dunk not AMP. I refuse to acknowledge it as the AMP). That place is going to be buzzing. Joe DiMaggio said ‘they can boo as loud as they can cheer’, and you know how loud the Dunk could get during the glory days before you turned your back on everyone. 

I have to laugh now thinking of that line you always had about the Friars that looked nice on t-shirts:

Us, We, Together, Family, Friars. 

Bull. Shit. See you at the Dunk. 

Super Bowls, Whoppers and the Renaissance of Pam Anderson

The Super Bowl is near! To sum it up short and sweet, this matchup kind of sucks. Philly is a terrible city. I’m sick of Patrick Mahomes, his idiot brother, his douchebag of a tight end and his annoying-ass wife. The only thing I’m rooting for this year will be my various Super Bowl squares, some meme worthy content (never forget Left Shark!), and Rihanna because who doesn’t like Rihanna?  Also, I don’t understand why the media is so obsessed with Jason and Travis Kelce’s Mom? Are we as a society really at a point where we are supposed to be obsessed with this woman just because her two sons are good at football? I hope they let her do the coin flip and the entire stadium boos her out of Arizona. Utter nonsense. Anyways!  This weekend usually provides some good pop culture content, so I felt the urge to right up a good ol’ fashioned pop culture smorgasbord for old times sake. 

Boo this woman!

There seems to be a certain renaissance of late 90’s and early 00’s superstars here in 2023, and I am all about it. Jennifer Coolidge is a gift from the comedy Gods. Brendan Fraser back in Hollywood is a feel good story, especially with all the weird shit that happened to get him blacklisted by studios. Let’s do him right and get a new Mummy movie. Pam Anderson is once again the baddest bitch on the planet, a title that should never have left her. This is great to see! Icons are icons for a reason. Hell, even Bennifer is back together of J Lo and Affleck…holy shit I hope they make a Gigli 2! Please God make Gigli 2. What could go wrong?!

...and bring this hat back into style!

While I’m not the biggest fan of their food, I have to give Burger King their props for their marketing teams. I was obsessed with the creepiness of the BK King in their ads. That magnificent bastard was creepy as all hell yet it would always make me laugh when he popped up out of nowhere. Maybe that says something about me but it’s the truth. Now they have their catchy Whopper Whopper jingles that could and should take home a Grammy next year. They have managed to create something that has instantly gone viral and now covered/remixed by TikTokers. It’s the catchiest song I’ve heard in a while and it shows how important a simple jingle can be. I don’t know about you but if I ever need flooring, I’m rolling with Empire Today because of their ear-virus of a jingle. That stuff works! I hope you all eat like a King who’s on a budget this weekend.

An Icon seen here with Bob Baffert

Are the Charlotte Hornets the most random team in the history of American sports? This dawned on me when thinking about the popularity of the purple and teal starter jackets that randomly everyone owned. You either had a Chicago Bulls (duh), Orlando Magic (Shaq and Penny Hardaway) or a Charlotte Hornets one. The fact that they had an iconic Starter jacket may have been the high water mark for them as a franchise. They haven’t won a playoff series since the 2003/2004 season. Their most famous player had to be Muggsy Bogues, and that was mostly because he was a little fella and got some screen time in Space Jam. Throw in the fact that they moved to New Orleans, then got a new team as the godawful Charlotte Bobcats and then switched back to the Hornets…there’s a lot of weirdness going on there. This has really been weighing on me lately. It’s my slow season at work. Cut me some slack. 

The Razzies got in trouble for nominating some girl who was like 10 for her performance in some movie I never heard of and people got mad. Meh. If Shirley Temple could win an Oscar, and Macaulay Culkin could make Home Alone and Home Alone 2, this girl could have simply stepped up to the plate and been better. I blame her presumably awful stage Mom. 

UFC head honcho Dana White has a new show called Power Slap where it looks like a bunch of drunk guys who never leave their home town stand still and slap each other in the face. I caught about 24 seconds of an episode while looking for the remote to change the channel, and I felt dirty just glancing at it. This has to be the lamest thing on television, right? There was so much more entertainment in the hallway fights back in high school. Some of those were legitimate battles! I just find it amazing that this show of slap and tickle matches got the green light for a real network deal. We used to be a proper country. Bring back Most Extreme Elimination Challenge already.

The only bigger head scratcher of a TV show still on has to be the fact that Chrisley Knows Best just kicked off a new season despite Todd and Julie starting their prison sentences. USA Network just acts like nothing has happened and they just love filming all the totally not staged hijinks with the grandma and weirdo kids. I really do think Todd Chrisley’s biggest gripe is that he won’t be allowed to have his face moisturizers in the pen. I cannot wait to see the before and after photos of him when he gets out of prison. You know how they always show pictures side by side of Presidents on their first and last day in office? This has potential to be blow all of those out of the water. I know you can learn to make toilet wine in prison but I’m not sure if anyone has perfected toilet Botox yet. Poor bastard.

I bet he'll be saying this quite a few times over the next 12 years.

People love the notion of Super Bowl commercials even though they seem to be few and far between in terms of quality these days. Not a whole lot really have the staying power that they used to. This whole M+M’s ad campaign about a name change with Maya Rudolph is a waste of time. It seems exactly like the flop of when IHOP tried to jokingly rebrand as IHOB (you know, burgers instead of pancakes). The only noteworthy thing about it is Tucker Carlson getting all hot and bothered over the sexy green M+M and her shoes. That weirdo has got some kind of perverted mind if you ask me! Obsessing over a candy person. Sheesh. His poor wife. Outside of that, I guess the inevitable Ben Affleck Dunkin’ Donuts commercial could have a chance at being an all-timer. Just don’t over-Boston it. It’s played out. The accent jokes are too easy and lame. 

While this blog is all for funsies and the point is to skewer all things pop culture or whatever, may I please pass along my deepest condolences to the legendary Burt Bacharach, cut down in his prime at the tender age of 94 today. 

Your performance in ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ and ‘Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me’ were spellbinding. As a youth, I thought it was the classiest thing in the world to try and woo a woman by hiring Burt Bacharach whilst on top of a double decker bus in Las Vegas. Mr. Bacharach dressed to the nines, tickling the ivories with a candelabra resting on top of his piano, all while drinking champagne on the Vegas strip was the epitome of class. In fact, when I was planning the first date with my girlfriend, I tried to recreate this. I was dismayed to learn that Mr. Bacharach was 91 years old and double decker buses don’t really do a lot of sightseeing in New York City in the first week of February. 

Anyways, rest in power, Burt. You brought a lot of joy to my generation via a couple cameos. 

Tostitos: Spice Up My Life!

 I like to consider myself a man of refined taste. I like the finer things in life and one of the finest things that I have enjoyed over the years is salsa con queso. When it comes to salsa con queso, Tostitos is the king. A true titan of the queso industry. Tostitos salsa con queso is something that has always been there for me. In need of an uplifting snack after the work day? Tostitos queso. Need some sustenance after stumbling home drunk from the bar after too many Narragansett tall boys? Tostitos queso. Just overall bored by life’s mundane moments? Tostitos queso. 

awesomeness in a jar

Tostitos salsa con queso has brought an absurd amount of joy into my life at literally any hour of the day. It’s mix of cheese with chilies and whatever else is in there is utterly divine. This being said, however, I must admit that here in the year of our lord Twenty Hundred and Twenty Three, I have one small gripe with my beloved Tostitos: I need more heat. Gimme more heat.

Why be mild when you can get wild, baby! This is the flaming hot generation. I challenge Tostitos to step up and give the good people of the world what they deserve: spicy salsa con queso! In case you didn’t know, their salsa con queso dip is only available in 'medium'. I am not one to mess with perfection, but I do think we can try to advance perfection by also have the spicier alternative available at grocery stores near you. I mean think about it, flaming hot this, flaming hot that. Flaming hot tires, flaming hot air fresheners, flaming hot towels, you name it, flaming hot has taken over and has become a way of life for most people. Shoutout to Cheeto’s for starting this movement, I guess. 

I mean if even Funyuns can get flaming hot...

Tostitos already has their spicy habanero salsa, quite tasty may I add, so why not up the ante on the queso as well? What could go wrong? Your so sales go so far through the roof that you may need to pay for a new one? This is a no-brainer. You already have the chip and dip industry in a chokehold. Now is the time to give the industry a stone cold stunner and finish the job. I believe that this is one of the few things that everyone in this country can actually agree on. 

Meg thy stallion knows flaming hot is the trend

As a very proud queso connoisseur (…quesonoisseur? May need to workshop this one) it is time to begin a new movement. I hope this blog not only finds Tostitos well, but it gives someone with a lot of brains the idea to pitch to the big board meeting next week or whatever. We deserve more spice in our life! My honest wish is that by the Super Bowl 2024, I will be able to heat up a nice big bowl of Tostitos Spicy Salsa Con Queso, rip open a bag of Tostitos scoops and have myself one hell of a day. It won’t even matter who’s playing or how much money I’ll have lost on various bets. As long as spicy salsa con queso is around, I’ll feel like a winner. 

Make it happen, people! Let the movement begin!