Dear Friary...

Holy shit, you guys.

The Providence College Friars are still dancing in the Sweet 16. What a time to be alive! After a season of Ed Cooley telling us all to be them dudes, it is officially time to, in fact, be them dudes. While the first ever Big East regular season championship banner in school history will look nice up in the rafters at the Dunk, I think we should add some more decorations and keep updating some of those other banners. Why stop at Sweet 16? Let's keep the ball rolling! 

This season has been a lot of fun for a ton of reasons. The fans/students have been electric and fueled by Bud Light tallboys. I made it to 3 games this year, each one being more electric than the last, with the cherry on top being in attendance for all those hooligans storm the court as we beat up on Creighton to clinch the BE title. The City of Providence needed this. Things just hadn't been the same since Buddy Cianci croaked, and suddenly the sun seems to shine a bit brighter. I mean, yeah it sucked that the beer lines were way longer than I ever remembered back in my days at PC, but it's worth it! Well, the $12.75 beers may not actually be worth it..but you know what I mean.

I was an undergrad from 2008-2012 toiling away at a Psych degree that I will never use. My time at PC had it's up and downs. Yes, up and downs. The up? PC beating number 1 ranked Pitt. Still a top 5 night of my life. I thought Eaton Street was going to go up in flames. There I was, drinking pitchers of beer at a bar I used my fake ID to get into, feeling on top of the world, proud like I had accomplished something. After that? I don't know. Couple nice wins here and there. God Keno Davis sucked ass. The only Keno that should ever matter is the type you play at a dive bar. Let's see, what else did we have to celebrate from my era? Hmm. Ooh! There was the time MarShon Brooks dropped 50 against Notre Dame! ...in an overtime loss. Okay, there's more....aha! Eureka! I was there when Jeff Xavier's brother walked out onto the court to talk some sense into that ref! Now THAT was a good time. I guess PC hoops wasn't really too memorable out of one night that sure has some memories that are fuzzy. I digress.

Shoutout Aquinas 209!

This team loves to feed off of the hate, and boy have their plates been full! For me personally, it makes me cringe when I hear local radio discuss them. 98.5 the Sports Hub is usually on at my work. They discussed the Friars for the first time about 2 weeks ago, where Rich of T and R just decides to shit on Rhode Island as if there is some big feud between RI and Massachusetts. He seriously thinks everyone here is a hick who have bricks for brains are living in 1993. For a guy who grew up in Georgia, this is pretty funny. Why he thinks he has to be such a prick to Rhode Island is something I'll never understand. Then there is Joe Murray, member of the Bankroll Boyz podcast or some shit like that. He fills in here and there. Joe Murray made the super bold call of PC losing in round 1 to South Dakota State and that it was virtually a no brainer. If he thinks that was a unique bet, he's an idiot cause a whoooooole lot of people had money riding on the SD State Jackasses. So of course, he gets a ton of backlash from PC fans, with some even calling him an illiterate calzone, and he now decides to strike back by calling PC fans...sensitive? Sensitive? For a guy who lives and breathes making "hot sports takes" maybe you're being the sensitive one. Your station didn't talk about Providence College hoops all season long and when you do it's just "Meh. These guys blow. They're losing first round." What a joke. Of course people are going to come after you for being such a dick. Rhode Island has a Napoleonic Complex type of situation to it. Smallest state, proudest state. Don't you dare crack wise on Rhode Island. The only people who are allowed to bitch and moan about Rhode Island is Rhode Islanders plain and simple. In the south, when someone thinks you've said something dumb, people will say "Bless your heart" and then say something very insulting about your intelligence. Here in the Ocean State, when you make a dumbass take about PC basketball, we're going to gladly tell you what is going through our minds, "bless your heart" not included.

Then, you have your national guys. Public enemy number one for PC fans on the old Twitter Machine has to be that fucking nerd Ken Pom. This guy. 

Ken Pom is a stat nerd who loves to crunch all these numbers and beep moop cha ching boop meep oh look here's who is going to win the national championship. Guys like KenPom don't take into the equation that you can't actually win on paper or an Excel sheet. KenPom has had PC as the luckiest team in the nation basically all season long. He wants to talk about luck? He'll be lucky not to have my foot up his ass if that jackass ever gets a veal parm sub on Federal Hill. Then you have the ultimate ESPN lackey Jay Bilas who even still refuses to give PC any credit, ranking them the 14th best team out of the remaining 16. Oh go screw. Just tell everyone you want Duke to win it all and call it a night. We all know the Bilas Bias. Of course, the real jackass of the bunch has to be Jesse Newell. He's a Kansas (!) beat reporter who somehow tricked his way into getting an AP vote to rank teams. I swear if you look at the teams he's voted for you would think he is picking which schools sent him the most mail after taking the SATs. I think Perkins School for the Blind got a vote before PC did this year. All these nerds need to pay and we need Cooley and Co to build off of this utter hatred and underdog bullshit and beat up Kansas so Jesse Newell can go chase after some tumbleweeds or whatever the hell there is to do in Kansas besides watch a basketball game.

It's nice being an alum of the best college program in the Northeast. It's not even close at this rate. Providence College is doing what Boston College was supposed to do. I bet Boston College's AD gets the willies every time he sees a sign for I95 South. He knows that just 50 or so minutes away, Providence and Ed Cooley are getting things done. Kicking ass and taking names, as God intended. This is gonna be fun Friday night (I hope). Noah Horchler is playing lights out (I was scared, like everyone else, when he cut off his luscious locks, but we good), Nate Watson is all in on this run, Bynum and Durham know that it's the end of the road, so why not extend it. This team is damn good and they are finally forcing people to notice. 

Cooley on Fire > Fire Cooley

So what happens if they get smoked by the Kansas Jayhawks? Not much. It's been a hell of a year and no matter what it is going to go down as a success. It's gambling with house money at this point. So why not go all in? Plus, is PC does lose, just give it a year or so. Kansas and coach Bill Self are going to get slapped with some rules infraction and will have to vacate this entire tournament, so just give PC the win anyways. 

Luck? Whatever. We'll take whatever we can get. All I know is "in Cooley we trust". Our mascot is creepy as hell and can help by simply weirding out Kansas. We already beat up South Dakota State and that douche with the Karate style headband. Round two we mopped the floor with the Richmond Spidermen. If I were Kansas I'd be quivering in my...I don't know. Whatever Kansians....Kansasites...Kansas people wear for shoes. You want my prediction? Here:

Be them dudes!

Friars by a million!

Keep the faith!!!!!

Utter Euphoria: Burning Questions!

Euphoria, Euphoria, where art thou Euphoria? I don't know, it just sounded good in my head. Opening lines are the toughest. Quite possibly the most controversial show in TV Land right now wrapped up a couple weeks ago, and I've just had the time to digest it and write about it. To be perfectly transparent, I didn't watch season 1 of this. I was introduced to it as my girlfriend watched it while I was playing Mario Kart World Tour on my iPad (CactusJim on there if anyone is trying to get their hopes dashed on Cheep Cheep Beach). Boy did that opening episode suck me in! I learned that Zendaya is famous for something other than those skin care commercials, and holy smokes these kids are messed up!

Despite not watching the first season, I got a grasp for it easily that it is high school on a molly and steroid cocktail. Backstabbings, cheating, drugs, theatre, drugs and more drugs, dealing drugs, a 9 year old with a face tattoo... there's a lot going on. I do get a laugh out of people saying how unrealistic the show is and how it's terrible for kids to watch. It's a show about high schoolers for adults! It's obvious. Can't you tell by the entire cast being played by like, 30 somethings. I hear Ash is actually 45 and is pulling an Andy Milonakis. Not really, but you get the picture.  By now, if you haven't seen season two I must do my duty and give a *spoiler alert* I don't want anyone to get mad at me. I tied for friendliest in my 8th grade superlatives so I like to be liked, you know? The purpose of this blog from here on out are my most burning questions that remain after season 2.  Let's start!

How the shit did Lexi get a set budget like that approved?

I mean, holy shit. There's a lot to question about Lexi Howard's spellbinding school play 'Our Life'. Between what seems like a quick turn around time, a lot of kids being way too good at their jobs, a ton of delightful choreography, somehow getting this generation of ADHD rattled kids to give a damn about a school play...there's lots going on. The one thing that has me the most confused is how they got a budget like that.  Keep in mind that East Highland High School is a public school.  I will never forget my Junior year at East Providence High School we ran out of paper and were encouraged to bring our own. If the EPHS production of Grease had that sort of set budget I would've probably enjoyed it a whole lot more.  If this were Maude Apatow's actual high school, I could see a budget this immense being used on a high school production.  Between moving stages, multiple sets, terrific lighting and elaborate costumes, it was a smashing success! Having Maddy come on stage and beat the shit out of Cassie with a shoe also didn't hurt. Keep 'em wanting more! This being said, they probably could've just made this one episode...but whatever man it's cool.

Why do all the episode titles sound like perfect song titles for an early 00's emo album?

I'm just going to list the episodes here for you and let you decide if this sounds like the track listing by an unreleased Starting Line album circa 2003:

-Trying to Get to Heaven Before They Close the Door

-Out of Touch

-Ruminations: Big and Little Bullys

-You Who Cannot See, Think of Those Who Can

-Stand Still Like the Hummingbird

-A Thousand Little Trees of Blood

-The Theater and Its Double

-All My Life, My Heart Has Yearned for a Thing I Cannot Name

I rest my case. 

Did Elliot's acoustic song unite this nation for the first time in years?

I don't think I'm overexaggerating when I suggest that Elliot's song may have been so universally hated that the US of A was the most unified on a topic in ages. It was like Democrats and Republicans, Conservatives and Liberals, Cats and Dogs everywhere took a moment to stop fighting and say BOO! HISS! This sucks! Seriously though, that song was dreadful. The first 30 seconds, okay fine, whatever, the kid can noodle on the guitar and probably knows Wonderwall. Then, it just kept going, and going and...well you know the rest. There was a good 4 maybe 5 moments in the song where he kept going for another verse and I could feel the collective, agonizing groan of Euphoria viewers everywhere. The song sucked ass and was corny as hell, but the in all seriousness, why did that take place for like 5 minutes in a season finale where we still had a whole lot of questions to be answered! I know a lot of people were fed up with how this season went, but his scene may have been Euphoria's "jump the shark" moment, it was that bad. 

Who tattooed Ash's face?

It's lovely work. I think they did a great job on it.

Why is Nate drinking Budweiser?

This one really puzzles me. We see multiple times (usually whilst driving) Nate drinking a nice cold bottle of Bud heavy. I love Budweiser. My Grandpa used to sneak me a few back in the day so I've always had a special place for it in my heart and fridge. Nate drinking it just seems so...wrong. Nate is a high schooler. He should be drinking his fair share of Keystone or Natty Light. On a special occasion you can shoot for the moon and roll with a Bud Light or a Coors Light. No teen is going to be getting Budweiser just for the hell of it. One may argue that Nate is very rich and can afford the (slightly) more expensive Budweiser but I would counter that and say if that were the case, he is pretentious enough to get Stella Artois. I can even picture him at a party playing with the stupid paper on a Stella that covers the neck of the bottle and bottle cap, before Fezco comes up and punches that douchebag in the back of his head and then shoves said Stella Artois up his arse. This really bugged me. I don't know.

Was Rue Bennet's marathon the best chemically induced athletic achievement ever?

Barry Bonds hit 73 homers in 2001 juiced up on steroids. Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter in 1970 while on LSD. Rue Bennett did her best Trainspotting impression by running for her life all while on various drugs where was in desperate need of a bathroom, to put it mildly. In the course of doing so she revealed a secret about Cassie which has put her at the top of Maddy's hit list and somehow did so all while wearing Chuck Taylor's! Do you know how hard those are to run in, even sober? Zero arch support on those clown shoes. I'm thinking this is the best drug induced athletic feat ever. And that includes that Russian figure skater who took her grandpa's heart meds last month. Hey also...

Doesn't Rue still owe the drug dealers, like, 8 grand?

I found it amusing that Rue miraculously escaped a drug den where she was held hostage by the creepy monotone woman the bald dude who is always naked yet she was just out there in public watching her school play. On the one hand it's very nice of her to support her pal Lexi, and I guess I would be curious too if a play was written with myself as one of the main characters...but shouldn't she be keeping a low profile?  That episode of Rue running all over town was one of the most intense episodes of any show I had seen in a while. I felt out of breath and exhausted just by watching it. If I owed those guys around $8 grand, I'd be trying to pick up a couple extra shifts at the Long John Silver's. 

How does Cassie know all the words to a Sinead O'Connor song?

Shouldn't Cassie be obsessing over Machine Gun Kelly, Lizzo, and Billie Eilish as a teen in 2022? I'll be honest, of all the absurd stuff in this show, Cassie knowing every single word to Sinead O'Connor's 1987(!) hit 'Drink Before the War' seemed the most unlikely moment. She's wasted enough to completely ruin a hot tub by puking yet she knows all the words to that song? Which came out probably...15 years before she was born? I love music of that era but I'm 31 and don't know much of Sinead O'Connor besides Nothing Compares 2U and her ripping up the Pope's picture on SNL. Oh Cassie. What a tangled web you have wove. Weaved? Woven? Oh who remembers.

I'm just not buying this!

What was with Minka Kelly giving Maddy that purple dress?

Why not wear it to the play or something? Is she saving it for prom? I figured it would be a revenge dress after Maddy received it. You know, like Princess Diana had that black dress for Prince Charles, Maddy should've showed up and to the play in that number and made Nate think twice about...well, everything I guess. It just seemed bizarre to go through that storyline of Maddy babysitting, Minka Kelly obviously knowing she was trying on her stuff, gives her one of the designer dresses and then...that's it we just go to the last couple episodes and it's not used for anything. Just seems like a bit of a waste so far, but hey maybe we'll see it when season 3 comes out in 2027.

Did Ethan get every award that the East Highland Drama Department handed out that year?

Because let me tell you one thing, he should have. His performance can only be described as spellbinding. Whether he was portraying Suze Howard or Nate or literally everyone, Ethan was the Swiss Army Knife of that ensemble. Bravo, Ethan, bravo. May you get your flowers, young man!

Lastly, is Faye the best character on the show?

Faye all day! The much needed comic relief of this dark, dark show was Faye. She stole the screen every time she dropped her couple of lines. You'd have to be blind to see she didn't fall for Fez, and there was definitely a thought that she may get revenge as a scorned woman, knowing Fez had the heart eyes for Lexi, but Faye stayed true to Fez. Fez did take her in and give her a home for a bit as a favor, and Faye stayed true by helping him out with that rat Custer. One quick note, Custer really does look like a rat. I mean Chuck E. Cheese could be that guys uncle or something. Very hateable character. I did feel bad he got blood on his Metallica football jersey though. But yeah anyways, Faye did the right thing trying to help Fez. Not her fault Ashtray had to go blow the thing up (literally). Everyone should have a soft spot for Faye. She ended up being a delight. My vote is for Faye. Let's get more of her in season 3! Even if she is serving time for the whole drug trafficking and possible murder connection thing...oh well. Life marches on!