There I was, hanging out on my couch sippin’ on a whisky watching some soap operas trying to warm the hell up. I had just finished shoveling the
giant mound of snow and ice that the city plow had left in front of my driveway,
which was conveniently placed there a mere 20 minutes after already shoveling
said driveway. While I may have been bitter and checking Amazon for voodoo
dolls to exact revenge on the stupid ass plow driver (plow man? I dunno), I soon
became intrigued by a tweet that was retweeted onto my Twittersphere. It was
from @TheBrandonMorse, including a video link and it read ‘Someone auto-tuned “Smells
Like Teen Spirit” to a major chord, and now life is confusing.’ For full on credit, this was posted on Vimeo by Sleep Good under "Nirvirna - Teen Sprite". Gotta give this evil genius credit. I gave it a
listen. You should too.
Holy hell.
Yes, this is Charles Barkley w/ Nirvana at Saturday Night Live
The ‘now life is confusing’ line of that tweet is an
understatement. I fully understand that changing up the chords and what not can
make any song different, but suddenly this 90’s anthem of teen angst, which was
the dagger in the heart of hair bands (sorry Brett Michaels, Rock of Love was a
wildly entertaining show though!) had turned into…a happy-go-lucky, cheery,
go-get-em type of song? The first time I listened, I immediately wanted to go
buy a pack of bubblegum and go for a nice stroll. This is music’s bizzaro
world.
optimism!
I’ve been asking people what it sounds like to them, and everyone
seems to be right. It sounds like the beginning of Nicki Minaj’s 'Starships', it sounds
like B*Witched’s b*loved smash hit single ‘C'est la Vie’. There is a bit of Hanson’s
‘MMMBop’ tossed in there. The guitar solo, which inspired many a grunge kid to
buy a guitar to try and nail suddenly sounds like Big Country’s song ‘In A Big
Country’.
This version of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit; could be the theme
song for a ‘Friends’ ripoff sitcom circa 1998. It could feature in one of those classic Coca-Cola ads where everyone is suddenly happy. This could play during the closing
montage that tells the audience what every character ends up doing in the
future of one of those teen movies with starring a young Jennifer Love Hewitt
and Seann William Scott (total aside, I had no idea he spelled Seann with two n’s,
did anyone else notice this?). I imagine this playing at the house party when
the couple that should be together finally gets together, while the goon in the
film is tending to a nosebleed, and the dorky kid, probably played by Seth
Green, finally becomes cool. I now want to watch “Can’t Hardly Wait” or
anything starring the great Alicia Silverstone. My friend, and past contributor
to this blog, Julie Strano said that listening to that made her feel like she
should be in a convertible wearing a crop top, probably in southern California.
I tend to doubt anyone has said that about the normal version of the song. You
could even substitute this for Wham!’s ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ in
Zoolander when the gang is riding in the Jeep before having a gasoline fight,
which ends in disaster when one of the male models sparks up a cig.
I think that part that is so shocking about this version of
the song is just how catchy and amazing it still is, despite how different it
is. I have listened to this song on repeat quite a few times over the past few
days, and it just doesn’t make any sense. Nirvana has never really been known
for cheer. ‘Come As You Are’ can make a beautiful June afternoon in Punta Cana
turn gray and depressing. ‘Polly’, at first listen, seems to be a nice song
about a parrot, but listen to the lyrics and it is quite darker than that.
Maybe ‘In Bloom’ could count as cheery? Maybe guitar-wise it is, but I just
remembered the opening line of that is ‘sell the kids for food’, so Nevermind
(see what I did there!). My personal favorite Nirvana song is ‘About A Girl’
but I still wouldn’t listen to that when I’m all pumped up and ready to seize
the day.
This really makes you think. Would Kurt have been around still
had all his songs sounded like this? Would Foo Fighters still be as big as they
are had ‘Everlong’ or ‘Monkey Wrench’ been autotuned in a major chord? Would Nirvana’s
picture with Charles Barkley been less awkward if this version of the song was
out there in 1991? Would bands like Everclear, Gin Blossoms and, bless them,
Sugar Ray have just thrown in the towel and given up knowing they could never
right a pop-rock song like this? We may never know, but for once, Twitter
actually provided us with something delightful. That may be the real shocker
here.
Much like how the title of this post tells you, I am looking
forward to 2018. Boom. It’s out there. I think it’s safe to say 2017 was like
the drunk college freshman who just won’t leave the party the seniors are
throwing and eventually pukes in one of the said senior’s beds. This once
happened to me. Anyways, 2017 was no bueno, but why look back with a scowl when
we can look forward with….I don’t know, a smirk? To put it in terms of characters
from Parks and Rec (this is becoming more of a useful and widely accepted tool
of comparison, I am learning), I am trying to be more Chris Traeger and less
April Ludgate. Actually, let’s clarify. I would like to be optimistic like
Chris, and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to age so damn gracefully either. I still
think we should all strive to be weird like April. Maybe just less pessimistic?
Optimism!
I tend to be accused of being pessimistic when I just think
I’m being realistic. For instance, if you were to come meet me at a restaurant
with 33 pancakes as a tribute to former New York Knicks center Patrick Ewing and
asked, with a hint of hope, if I thought that you could eat all those pancakes
in 5 minutes, I would tell you no. Not because I WANT to doubt you, it’s just
that, realistically, I do doubt you and you probably won’t eat all those
pancakes. That’s a lot of pancakes. But anywho, I guess this was a long way of saying
that I will be trying to be more ~cheerful~. Doesn’t hurt to give it a whirl
and maybe tell you that, maybe, you can eat all those pancakes. I mean, it can’t
hurt, right? Things are looking up! I got a new laptop for Christmas, so blogging
has once again become easy and enjoyable, as opposed to having my old piece of
crap Macbook freeze up on me halfway through writing a power ranking of Michael
Scott’s most cringeworthy moments. The writing will be at an all time high this
year, and with more shenanigans than ever before! I know you were all looking
forward to that statement, so good for you, your 2018 is off to a smashing
success. And, you know what, good for me as well! Maybe I’ll even get those
Breakfast at Jimothy’s t-shirts made, too.
This blog had potential, I promise.
Anyways, here are some things that I would like to discuss,
and hope happens to yours truly in 2018. As I write this we are 16 hours into
the new year and I already had to cancel my credit card because someone spent
$452 at Victoria’s Secret and didn’t even have the class to send me a bathrobe,
while this was a real bummer, I am keeping my head up and thinking, hey I’ll probably
have a day real soon where I won’t get my credit card stolen. Baby steps,
people, baby steps.
One of my first goals is to travel somewhere, maybe by
myself or by tricking someone whose company I enjoy to join me. I think I am
personally due for a voyage somewhere, and most likely centered around music,
tacos and a *scene* that doesn’t suck. Basically I’m saying that I want to
finally go to Austin so I can eat tacos, check out a ton of bands and drink
spicy margaritas at dive bars. I am also taking suggestions and recommendations
for places to check out, things to do, people to meet and also stay away from (this
includes self-proclaimed Sorcerers and the French. I trust neither). There are
times where I get bored in lil ol’ Providence, Rhode Island, and maybe seeking
some form of adventure would be just downright swell. I was fortunate enough to
see one of my favorite bands, Jawbreaker, play one of their first shows in 21
years in Chicago (probably my high point of 2017), and it hit me that I enjoyed
that and, you know, maybe I should do that again some time. It’s almost like traveling
to a major city to see something that I like while drinking beers with a friend
is a good thing.
Another goal of mine is to develop the perfect spicy queso
dip. I was discussing the importance of a good queso dip recently and the notion
was arrived that every situation gets at least a little better when chips and
good queso enter into the equation. Hockey games, funerals, barnstorming’s, one
person riots outside of Starbucks, your niece’s dance recital, all of these and
more can be made much, much better with queso. Much like my wardrobe, the spicier
the better, so I’ll be looking to kick some serious ass in the queso making
game in 2018. That sounded a lot better in my head.
I also believe I will nail down a modeling contract this
year.
Look at this photograph (I hope you read that in your head in the same
tone as Chad Kroeger from Nickelback sings it). I thought I looked rather nice
so I had my friend Sam take it. Stunning! It doesn’t matter at all that most of
the comments on Instagram are making note of how awkwardly large the straw in
that gin and tonic is, I’m reaching for the moon here. This may or may not have just been an elaborate ruse to get a song stuck in your head.
I would definitely like to learn more guitar, mostly because
I know next to nothing except the opening to Weezer’s Sweater Song, the opening
to ‘Psycho Killer’ by Talking Heads, and Deep Purple’s ‘Smoke on the Water’ (to
be fair that is my Dad’s favorite band and I think he taught me that when I was
still sleeping in a crib every night). I’m not saying I am going to start
trying to woo ladies around Providence by standing outside their windows playing
something by Something Corporate (it’s freezing outside!) but if I want to
become a true renaissance man and elevate my game at swanky dinner parties, I
figure learning guitar could come in handy. I think if I had a quick top 5
without thinking in depth (aka I’m leaving a lot of songs out that I’ll be kicking
myself for in about 15 minutes) of songs that I’d like to learn, it would have
to be Cute Without the ‘E’ (Cut From the Team) by Taking Back Sunday, Where is
My Mind? by Pixies, Someday by The Strokes, Boxcar by Jawbreaker, and probably some
cover of Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. I know it’s a new year but you really
can’t expect me to not give some love to the crown jewel of Canada’s music
scene. I will undoubtedly learn 0 of these songs in 2018, but I will still be
an admirable addition to any dinner party any of you want to throw.
Iconic
2018 will also be the year I finally work at listening to
friend’s suggestions for TV shows and movies. I am awful at this. The newest
show I watched was Ozark, which was absolutely bonkers and I loved it. The next
newest show? I guess Parks and Rec, which I loved immediately and keep re-watching
over and over, along with The Office, instead of checking new things out. I
like most of my friends, so I do need to get better and listening to them, but
I’m not giving into Game of Thrones. If I can gripe for a second, I’m sick of
people telling me I’ll like Game of Thrones. I won’t. I say this and mention
the fact that I don’t go for that whole middle earth bullshit, and everyone
gets all offended, and most people will say “but Jim you sly devil, don’t you
like Lord of the Rings?” thinking I’ll suddenly say yes and automatically love
Game of Thrones. What ends up really happening is that I tell them no, I hated
Lord of the Rings and only saw the first two for various birthday parties I had
to attend. This usually results in that person giving up, and me going to the fridge
to get another beer. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally watch movies like
Shawshank Redemption, Goodfellas and Forrest Gump in 2018. We’ll see.
No shit. It's January.
Lastly, while it seems like no one got along with anyone in
2017, it appears that, somehow, Liam and Noel Gallagher of Oasis have buried
their hatchet. If these two could finish out 2017 by no longer feuding, then we
can all try to get along, somehow. Honestly, it’s all nice but I always liked
Blur more than Oasis, so the feud just kind of amused me while also serving a
purpose of not having to worry about them releasing a new album. Now, I have to
worry about this, and it hit me that an Oasis reunion will most likely headline
Coachella, Lollapalooza or, (since 8o% of festivals are all the same lineup
these days) both in 2018. I tweeted this prediction out on 12/20/17 at 10:57
and I want to be acknowledged as a Swami if this becomes true. While it’s sad
that this feud is over, we still have some amazing feuds that will carry over
into 2018, most notably, Drake and Josh, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, Martha
Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow, and of course, my sister Allison and our family’s
dentist. Still don’t know how that one happened but it is very bitter and I
love that it’s a thing.
It'll last.
Look at that, first blog post out of the way in 2018. I can honestly
say that I feel a bit, rejuvenated(?) and I honestly do hope that I’ll be
blogging a whole hell of a lot more. It’s always nice to make fun of things and
rant and rave about nonsense, so I hope you all enjoy what is to come. I wish
you all a very happy new year, for Vanessa Carlton to make a resurgence in
2018, and for that queso dip to work out.
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